TRANS HISTORY 3: INTERVIEW WITH ALEX L. COMBS AND ANDREW EAKETT

comic art of Andrew Eakett and Alex L. Combs

NOTE: This week’s update is a transcription of a live interview done as part of the Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays podcast. Special thanks to Kate Rascali for the transcription!

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we have TRANS HISTORY 3, INTERVIEW WITH ALEX L. COMBS AND ANDREW EAKETT, creators of the graphic novel, Trans History: From Ancient Times to the Present Day.

Tilly Bridges: Hi! I’m Tilly Bridges, your host, and I’m joined by my writing partner, my best friend, my wife, our token cis representation, the lady who puts the graphic in my novel, Susan Bridges.

Susan Bridges: Hello!

TB: Our guests this week are Alex L. Combs and Andrew Eakett, a married trans couple and creative team living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Making a graphic novel about trans history was a dream project, and they can’t wait for more people to read the good news: trans people are not new, and we are here to stay. Welcome, Alex and Andrew!

Alex L. Combs & Andrew Eakett (together): Hi Tilly!

TB: Oh, that was nice! You kind of harmonized in there.

Alex L. Combs: Thanks so much for having us.

Andrew Eakett: Yes, thank you.

Tilly Bridges: Of course! I’m so excited to get to talking about your book. But first, I want to help folks out there that are listening get to know you a little bit better. So, I wanted to ask for the two of you, what do you think has been the best thing about transitioning?

Combs: For me, definitely the best thing is just getting to openly live and express a part of myself that is essentially a dream come true. There were points that I thought it was just a secret, or a few people might sort of know. I never thought I would be here at 40 years old getting to just share that part of myself with the world.

TB: Yeah, it’s it’s magic actually getting to just be yourself every day, right? You wake up and you’re like, I get to do this again. I just get to be me. It’s so cool.

Combs: Exactly.

Eakett: Yeah, that’s that’s pretty much it, my answer wouldn’t be much different from that. It’s just that having the life that I didn’t really know was possible, become a real, possible thing, that makes me part of society in a way I didn’t feel like I was before, because I was in this like limbo, this identity limbo.

TB: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Eakett: Yeah, and knowing who I am and being who I am, it’s definitely made everything different before transitioning and after transitioning. And it’s like night and day and I’m glad to be in the day.

TB: Oh, you said it so perfectly. Oh, my heart, yes, exactly right. Because, you know, pre-transition, I just felt like everything was so dull and muted and awful, and it was just like you didn’t know that everyone didn’t feel that way. At first, you’re like this is just what life is, right, and no, it’s not, and it doesn’t have to be that way. And that’s beautiful.

Combs: Yeah, yeah.

TB: Okay. So on the other side of that, are there aspects of transitioning that you found to be particularly difficult to deal with?

Eakett: I know I do have one. And this is something I don’t hear talked about enough and that is the amount of paperwork and bureaucracy involved after you change your name.

TB: Yes, there’s so much.

Eakett: The havoc that was wreaked upon my credit report, and it’s just a lot. We focus a lot on just getting it done, which is great. Like, getting the name change is great. But then I feel like we’re kind of left out there to try to figure it out. Well, what do I do now? Because it’s not like everyone knows that your name has changed. You know the credit card companies don’t know, the report companies don’t know. All these accounts don’t know, and they all have different methods and protocols and processes for changing names, and some of them are quicker on their feet than others. Some lose the paperwork more often than others. And that’s something, I think, that it’s just to kind of brace yourself for that, even after you’ve done that bureaucracy of changing your name with social security and the government, and getting a driver’s license. There’s a whole other step that I’m not even done with, and it’s been a long time. So yeah, that’s what I… Bureaucracy.

TB: Yeah, it’s something that just goes on and on. You don’t know how much there is that has your legal name on it, that once you change that, it’s just like, Oh, God! Another thing, oh, no! Another one. I’ve got to come out to another group of strangers through an email and say, “Hey, fix your company stuff for me.”

SB: Or then you get something weird years later that pops up with your deadname on it, and it’s just out of nowhere. And you’re like what the…?

TB: I didn’t even remember these people, and now they have my wrong name. And do I care? Is this worth it to fix it with them?

Eakett: Yeah, yeah.

SB: The mental calculus of it.

TB: Yeah. There’s so much.

Eakett: What about you, Alex?

Combs: I’m just gonna go with a simple answer. Transphobia. It’s awful.

TB: It’s the worst, it’s the worst!

Combs: Can we just stop?

TB: Right? It’s not hard. We’re not hurting anybody. Just leave us alone.

Combs: I know, right? Sheesh.

SB: Have you tried not sucking?

TB: They have not!

SB: Mind giving it a shot?

TB: That should be step one.

SB: Just making a suggestion.

Eakett: Yeah.

TB: Okay, well, if you had any advice for people just starting their transitions, what would it be? Or maybe even what do you wish you knew going in ahead of time? Like, is there some piece of advice you wish someone had given you that would have helped you a lot?

Eakett: I think my advice would be to really get to know yourself as well as possible. Like, while you’re learning about trans things and thinking about coming out, and getting excited about the possibilities, don’t neglect those parts of you that have nothing to do with trans stuff. It can be really tempting to find a label and feel like that kind of explains everything.

TB: Sure.

Eakett: But the label is- that’s a shorthand for something that’s a lot more complex and nuanced, and you can’t. You’re not gonna. I wish it were easy enough to just find the people who have the same label as you and those are your people. And I think that’s some advice I guess I would give, is… don’t just think that labels are everything. Try to get to know yourself on a more nuanced individual level.

TB: I think that’s great, because also you may find a label that you feel fits you or mostly fits you. But you may find that none of them do. And that’s okay, too. We’re all individuals, and you don’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations of whatever flavor of trans you are, is.

Eakett: Absolutely. Yeah.

Combs: I guess mine would just be don’t feel pressured to reach any kind of endpoint. I feel like that’s just a common sort of misconception, or at least it was when I was coming out, and probably still is. And it’s not that people have a bad intention thinking it. But I just remember, I was doing a photo shoot, part way after I’ve been on hormones. But I hadn’t had top surgery, and I wanted to like get some glamour shots, and my photographer was like, “Oh, well, I want to get you before and after” and I’m like, “Well, this is after.” This is me, you know. She was trying to just be really supportive. That’d be my advice to trans people just coming out like try not to feel like there’s necessarily a set end goal.

TB: Yeah, it’s a journey, and it’s about finding yourself along the way, and you may- who knows where it’s gonna end? If it ever does. It may be a lifetime journey for most of us. And that’s okay.

Combs: Yeah, everyone changes over time and–

TB: Yes!

Combs: Context and everything. So what’s working at one point might not always be how you feel. You might want to change your pronouns again. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine.

TB: Yeah, that’s all cool. Whatever you decide at the beginning, you think is right, doesn’t have to be the final thing. You can still adjust as you go.

Combs: Or it can be, but it doesn’t have to be.

TB: Right! Exactly. Okay. Before we get into talking about your book. Do you want to let folks know where they can find you online if they’d like more information after listening?

Combs: Sure. I have a website that’s just my name, alexlcombs.com. And any social media that I’m on is also Alex L. Combs… whatever at Bluesky, and Instagram. Those are the ones I’m most active on.

Eakett: And I’m not active on anything, so don’t look for me.

TB: Oh, wow! You’re smarter than all the rest of us.

Combs: But I post pictures.

Eakett: But he does post pictures of me. Yeah. So my face shows up occasionally.

TB: Okay. Well, I have done two previous episodes on Trans history for those listening. You may want to check out TRANS HISTORY 1: HOW AND WHY WE NAME TRANS PEOPLE IN HISTORY and TRANS HISTORY 2: EXAMPLES OF TRANS PEOPLE IN HISTORY. Which leads us right into talking about this fabulous new book. Trans History: From Ancient Times to the Present Day. It releases on May 13, 2025, and can be pre-ordered right now on bookshop.org.

TB: Okay, here’s part of the description. “What does trans mean? And what does it mean to be trans?  Diversity in human sex and gender is not a modern phenomenon, as readers will discover through illustrated stories and records. In addition to individual profiles, the book explores some of the societal roles played by trans people beginning in ancient times, and shows how European ideas about gender were spread across the globe. It explains how the science of sexology and the growing acceptance of, and backlash to, gender nonconformity have helped to shape what it means to be trans today. Illustrated conversations with modern activists, scholars, and creatives, highlight the breadth of current trans experiences, and give readers a deeper sense of the diversity of trans people, a group numbering in the millions.”

TB: All right. I want everybody listening to know that I was sent an ARC of this book to read, and I thought it was fantastic and so badly needed right now, and it makes learning about our history so incredibly accessible. And that’s huge, because history can often be daunting to some people, doubly so when you want to learn about trans folks who are often erased from history for reasons I talked about back in TRANS HISTORY 1. So I think I want to start by asking the two of you that what made you want to write this book? Where did it come from?

Combs: So I actually went to art school for comics, and at that time, around 2017, I knew I wanted to do potentially something with LGBTQIA+ history, but I didn’t know what. I ended up doing more of an autobiographical slice of life comic for my thesis for school. But, right after graduation, I had that desire to go back to history, and living in San Francisco, there’s a lot of great archives, and we have the LGBT History archives of Museum.

TB: Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t know that.

Eakett: or the GLBT.

Combs: GLBT, I think, yeah, yeah. And you can make an appointment and go look in their archives. And, so we did that, because we learned that Lou Sullivan, who was a local gay trans man in San Francisco, in the eighties and nineties, kept a diary his entire life and donated them all to the GLBT Historical Society, and you can just go read them. It’s like from when he was like a little kid all the way up to the end of his life. And it’s so cool. So we went and there is now a really great collection of his diaries that’s been published. But at the time that wasn’t out yet, so it just was so exciting to go and get access to this really amazing resource. And so I made a zine about it, which I took to SF Zine Fest. Or maybe it was an East Bay Zine festival, and was just giving them out. I was just so excited to share this story.

SB: That’s so pure.

TB: I love it.

Combs: Yeah, it was really fun. I just had so much energy for it. Andrew and I have both done the research together, and much like how we did with our book, I illustrated it, but he did a lot of art direction and helped with the writing, and we had so much energy and enthusiasm, and it was just so rewarding. We were like… we just want to keep doing trans history. Let’s just do a trans history book. ‘Cause there’s not quite one out there. There’s comics out there that look at queer history, or like LGBTQIA, two-spirit plus history. But we were like we want to do one that’s trans history, specifically.

Eakett: Yeah, there’s a lot of misconceptions specifically around trans history. Related to the misconceptions around larger, queer history, but I felt like a lot of queer history projects would have one or two trans people in it, but never really be able to delve into what’s going on with trans people and history. So that was one reason it felt really particularly important to just spend, however many hundreds of pages just on trans people, specifically.

TB: Yeah, that was really beautiful to read. To just see so many of them and see our history going back so far, you know? I wanted to ask, do you feel like there’s something about the comic or graphic novel format that lent itself better to this project? Because, we write comics, too, and it’s such a unique sort of art form all on their own. They’re so different from everything else. And do you feel that that helped with what you were trying to do?

Combs: Oh, absolutely, because you can put the maximum amount of information into a comic, because you’ve got the visuals and the writing. So it really lends itself to packing in a lot of information without making people have to read, you know, paragraph upon paragraph of describing what the scene looks like. They just can glance at it and know what the scene looks like. And it only takes a split second.

Eakett: And I also like how it kind of softens the the history aspect. You know, history can be kind of intimidating to people or sound dry, or they think it must be very technical. It doesn’t have to be. There are technical aspects, there are some complex concepts in the book, but I feel like the the visual style is welcoming. If you’re afraid of history… you don’t have to be afraid of history. It’s a graphic novel. See? It’s fine.

SB: It’s Fun!

TB: It is fun! It is a fun, breezy read, and it’s so educational, and I love it. It’s a joy to read that book. I can’t wait to see it in color.

Combs: I can’t tell you like how happy it makes me to hear you say those words like “breezy,” like “easy to read.” We wanted that so much, and for it to be educational.

TB: Right? Yeah.

Combs: So you’re getting the information, but it doesn’t feel like a slog. That’s what we wanted, and to hear you saying that, it’s just so exciting.

TB: Yeah, I think that’s an issue that I think a lot of books about history can accidentally fall into, even if they’re not intending it, because it can be a very scholarly thing, you know, what you’re talking about… many different things and context and details from history that people don’t know about. And I think a lot of people do get intimidated that way. But when you read this book, with the art and the way it just flows from page to page, and you’re learning about all of these trans people that have always existed and always been here with us… and it’s fun, it’s exciting. And it’s just page after page, you’re just flipping through it, it goes so quick, and in a really good way. So I think you’ve done a really great job of making this accessible not just to other adults, but I think so kids, especially trans kids, can see this. And they can say, “people like me have always existed” and they can learn about it. It’s not going to be inaccessible to them, even. You know, there’s concepts in there that maybe they won’t fully understand, but they’re going to get so much out of it, that it’s… I don’t know. That’s could change a kid’s life, you know? It’s really, really amazing that you put that out there.

Combs: Thank you so much. Yeah, we wanted it to be for all ages.

Eakett: Yeah, because the information is important to everyone, right? It can change trans people. And cis people. It’s history that no one is really learning in a cohesive, clear way. And I think it benefits everyone to get what they can out of it.

TB: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, you touched on this a little bit before, but the book is extensively researched, and I know how difficult and frustrating it can be to find information, much less accurate information, on trans people from the past, due to the presumption of cisness that a lot of historians view the world through, or their inability to see (or choice to outright ignore or hide) the transness that’s right in front of them. So how tough was the research process, for you, of finding all of these people? Did you have difficulty locating accurate information that you could pull from?

Combs: I was actually kind of surprised at how much I was able to find that was accessible. A lot of it was transphobic, but it was there. I mean, you have to just read it with a grain of salt. But then, at the same time, a lot of the research that I used, I was surprised to see how much had just come out in the past, maybe like three or five years or something, before we were researching it, between the years of 2017 and 2019, when we pitched the book. Like people have been working on this. They’ve been putting together the raw information, they’ve been writing papers. I have access to the San Francisco Public Library, so I have access to Jstor and all these other academic journals that they pay for, which is awesome because they’re a really great library. And I was surprised at just how much I could find online. I use the Internet Archive a lot. They had a lot of free books. Right now, only as of very recently, they have had to shut off access to a lot of those books that I actually used. Right now, I’m working on the extended bibliography, and I wanted to put links where people could go read the books, and it would say, “this book isn’t accessible except for if you have print disabilities.” So they had been sued a while back for having the online library. But they’re working on it hopefully. The books will be backed up. I’m putting all those links that I can find for those for people on the extended bibliography, which is not up yet, but will be up on my website by the time the book comes out.

TB: In one of my past episodes about trans history, I talked to some trans historians that were talking about the difficulty that they’ve had in the field, because all of the rules for what you are, and aren’t, supposed to do as a historian were established by basically all cis white men. And so that there’s been a big pushback in recent years from trans historians trying to make progress through all of that, and so it rings true. Yeah, in the past couple of years, there’s suddenly so much more. So, yeah, they’re they’re fighting the good fight for us all out there.

Combs: Yeah, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, this article is amazing. When was this written? Oh, like last year?”

Eakett: Okay, that was another thing that made it so exciting about getting the book out. It’s like, well, the information’s there. People just need to be able to read it, in a form that’s not a scholarly article.

TB: Right, that is- most people can’t find it, and if they do, it’s very intimidating to read.

Combs: Exactly, yeah.

TB: Yeah, you’ve done a really good job translating that into everyday stories that people can easily absorb and understand, so that’s really cool. Did you run into any problems finding a publisher? Because I know trans projects can often have trouble getting past cis gatekeepers and finding a home. I’ve had that difficulty with some of the stuff that we write, and I was just wondering if you encountered any roughness there?

Combs: I’m happy to say, no. We got a really good offer right away. We didn’t get a lot of offers, but the one that I think we have maybe like two but–

SB: That’s better than none!

Eakett: It was like 2 or 3 or something.

Combs: The one we ended up going with, they were amazing. Yeah. Candlewick Press. Turns out we got their best editor. I had a feeling that she was like, really good, while we were working with her. And then we met some more of the staff and they were like, “Oh, yeah, yeah. Andrea, yeah, she’s like, really, really good.” So I think in a way, we just either got really lucky, or I think, also, maybe they were on the beat of it. Maybe they had already had discussions about picking up a similar book, I don’t know. But it certainly seemed like they were all all on board.

Eakett: They were on board from the beginning, and were really supportive, which was something we kept kind of doubting, you know, as the political situation got worse and worse, and things are getting weirder and weirder. And we’re just like, are they gonna drop us? Are they gonna decide this isn’t worth it? If anything, they just got- their support seemed to strengthen. So that was, really, that has a lot to do with it. I think how good the book is right now is that Candlewick Press was very supportive.

TB: That’s amazing. And it’s also cool to hear you talk about the magic of a good editor, because, wow! The things that they can do, right? Like angels from above.

Combs: Oh, I completely agree. That’s what it felt like.

TB: Yeah. Okay, so! In the course of putting this book together, did either of you have a favorite historical trans person, somebody that you really connected with, or were drawn to, over the course of making it?

Eakett: Only one favorite?

Combs: Every every single one that I was studying at the time was the one I was most obsessed with.

SB: You can have a lot of favorites. That’s fine.

Combs: I was gonna say, Hatshepsut, because it was so… Okay, like many, I don’t know, Western, like, white people, I guess, I grew up obsessed with ancient Egypt. I was just, like, so enchanted by it. I saw Stargate when I was in middle school. It’s terrible, not culturally accurate at all, but like, I would look at all the Egyptian stuff in the museums whenever I would get a chance, and I would try to like draw some of it, and just like kind of, you know… let it like take my imagination. So when we studied about Hatshepsut, the Pharaoh, it was like, okay! I knew it was sort of a controversial figure, because some people throughout the history of sexology, even going all the way back to Magnus Hirschfeld in Germany, had speculated that Hatshepsut was a trans masculine person, and there’s actually been debate, like a fair amount of debate about it, I guess, in small circles. So I went in like… I’m probably gonna find that this was not similar to a modern trans person at all, and you know it was probably, like, all politically motivated and stuff.  It certainly was political, you know, political motivation is completely inseparable from this story of this Pharaoh. Because… you’re a Pharaoh! But the more details I read, I was just like… this person does not seem like a cis person. And I kept trying to, like–

Eakett: Talk yourself out of it.

Combs: Yeah, stepping way back from it. But then I kept reading more and more details, and I’d be like, none of this refutes this not being a cis person. And in fact, I feel like I could, like, almost relate to some of these things, yeah. So like, I just feel like I got really, really obsessed into that story, and I would love to go see some of the statues. I think they’re at like the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Yeah, I think they have a huge collection there.

TB: Yeah, that’s amazing. Because I’m doing this really big research project on a person from history who may have been trans.

SB: You can mention it, you’ve mentioned it on the internet.

TB: No, not until it’s done. People know who I’m talking about if they follow me. But you know, I keep doing the same thing where I’m reading lifelong diaries, and letters and things that this person wrote, and I’m- I would see things and be like, “wow, that is so trans.” And you know, I put it down, I read something else and then I’m like… were they really, though? Were they really that trans? And I pick up the next thing… I’m like, “this is so trans!”

Combs: Right? That’s exactly what happened.

SB: Yeah and sometimes I think it’s really funny, though, like, cause it’s like he spent all of this time with this woman he admired so much, and… “he must have been in love with her.” But they never did anything, and I mean, it’s just weird.

TB: Yeah, like all the reports about it, you know from cishet people, will be like, “well, clearly, he was madly in love with this woman, despite the fact that it doesn’t resemble any other form of romantic love you’ve ever seen.” And I’m like, that’s because he wanted to be her, not… okay, anyway.

Combs: There was kind of like, almost a figure like that in Hatshepsut’s life, too. Because there was this man, Senenmut, who was like part of their family, and mothered Hatshepsut’s daughter from before she became Pharaoh or anything. And Hashepsut never got pregnant from this person or anything, which you know- it was like, well, were they lovers? I’m kind of for queer found family, like, it makes more sense.

Eakett: …than if they were just pining for each other, and nothing ever happened.

Combs: Yeah, there’s these loving statues of him, with Hatshepsut’s daughter, nurturing her, hugging her. He obviously cares a lot and it reminds me more of, like, a gay uncle situation, but I can’t say for sure.

SB: But it happens all the time! Like even now, they found some people from the Vesuvius eruption from, like, two thousand years ago.

Eakett: Yeah, yeah!

SB: They were like, “we always assumed these people in this room were a family, but we found out none of them were related to each other.”

Eakett: There were five unrelated men.

SB: Right. And they were like, “they probably didn’t know each other.” And I’m like… they were-

TB: That’s the popular thing, right? They were “roommates.”

SB: “Strangers. They needed comfort in a disaster.”

Eakett: Oh my god.

SB: It’s wild to me.

TB: Yeah. Okay, well, Andrew, what about you? Did you have any anybody that was a favorite, or that you really like connected with.

Eakett: Did I have a favorite? I just liked all of them. It was just so fun to learn about all of them like… what do you think? Did I? Do you notice me having a favorite Alex? Nope, he’s like “Nope.” I would just get excited, you know? Kind of like with Alex, whoever I was working on at the time. I’d be gushing about them, although I will say it was fun to find all the different transmasc people in history, because you don’t hear a lot about them usually, and that was fun. But then, as soon as I’d start saying like, “Oh, he’s my dude”, that’d be like Lily Elba or something, and I’d be like, “Oh, but, Lily, you know,” and it’s like, I go- yeah, I love them all.

TB: It’s very understandable. One of the things that I really connected with, actually, was the two of you! And the way that Andrew talked about starting by “assisting” with the book, but then became a full on co-creator. Because that’s really similar to how Susan and I started writing together, and I never found that kind of connection with anyone before. And so that is really cool.

Combs and Eakett: Oh, cool!

TB: See, you’re you’re part of trans history right now.

Alex Combs: Oh, that’s so rad.

TB: Yeah, it’s really cool. But I wanted to ask, is this the first project that the two of you worked on together to this extent, where you were both co-creators of it?

Eakett: The first one we finished. For sure we’ve, you know, plotted and schemed, and had grand visions that didn’t get very far in the past, like back in the day. This was a more sustained effort, where we’ve really had to figure out what our roles were and what our strengths were gonna be, and how the work flow was gonna evolve. And so, yeah, that was a huge learning process and it was very rewarding, though it made me realize just how much fun it is to work with Alex, and to finish a big ambitious project.

TB: Yeah, we got that a lot when we tell people that we write together and we’re married. And they’re like, “How can you? I could never work with the person I married to. I could never. I don’t understand.”

SB: Maybe its- we’re associating with better people now.

TB: Maybe.

Combs: No, I’ve heard people say similar stuff about us.

TB: Yeah, it’s like… I don’t understand that. It works so good for us. And it clearly works really good for you, too.

Combs: Yeah. I mean, I feel like it’s a matter of luck, both luck of finding that person, but also perseverance of figuring out over time… just learning each other intimately, and learning how you can support each other, and how you can, like, shift responsibility in ways that you’re both comfortable with.

TB: Yeah, yeah.

Eakett: Yeah, and I guess, learning how to fully appreciate each other’s contributions in a way that facilitates backing off of your own ideas.

TB: Yes, yes. Setting your own ego aside if they have a better idea.

Eakett: Yeah, I think that might be it, yeah. I think that might be one of the things that gets in the way with people who are saying, “How could you do that?” is because art can sometimes be such a personal, individualistic process, that to truly collaborate and to truly let go and let it be the combined vision can be really hard. That’s like a next level thing, I think.

TB: It’s a really hard thing to do. You are wise. You have summed that up perfectly. Well done. Okay, so what is next for you two after this? Do you have another big project you’re working on?

Combs: Well, I’ve got some ideas of smaller sort of topical comics that I want to do. We definitely want to just keep doing stuff with the book and trans history, because there was so much that we had to cut from the book that I think it’d be cool to share some more of that information, in either comic format or some other way.

Eakett: Yeah. We definitely want to keep spreading the trans history gospel. But we’ve also been… I would, personally, would love to do another big project sooner rather than later. We’ve been batting around ideas about conspiracy theories and just the general misinformation landscape.

TB: Yeah?

Eakett: That’s a big, of course, other big idea that would have to be broken into some sort of smaller thing.

TB: Sure.

Eakett: But that’s kind of what we’ve been- I think we’ve been talking about a lot.

Combs: Yeah, I feel like that could be a big comic, like a graphic novel.

Eakett: …something about why people fall into conspiracy theories, or- or a story of someone who did or who lost a loved one through to it, or I’m not sure exactly what. But that’s what’s kind of bouncing around right now, which ties into trans history, too, because a lot of the misinformation about trans people going around is linked to conspiracy theories.

Combs: And I mean, it’s not something I share a lot, but I have family members who have gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole. And so I’ve seen over the years… I’ve had a front row seat to some of the ways that the conspiracy theories are linked to anti-trans sentiment. And they really are, it’s really weird.

TB: Yeah, I think when you dig into them, they’re sort of all wrapped up in a bunch of different bigotries, they sorta comingle. There’s a lot of white supremacy in them, too.

Eakett and Combs: Oh, yeah.

SB: I think it’s really important, too… one of the things I really liked were the parts of the book that talked about different cultures and the different ways that trans people have been seen throughout history, from that perspective that isn’t white, straight, hetero, Christian. And like, really like, that one viewpoint has just been crushed onto the entire world.

TB: Yay colonialism!

SB: Yeah when, you know, so many other cultures honor and understand and have words for trans people, and do not think it’s wrong or sinful.

TB: It’s just the way some people are, right.

SB: And I always want more on that.

TB: Yeah, yeah.

SB: That was the thing that left me wanting more. I love that.

Combs: We were like thinking about putting more of that, like a whole chapter about that, in. But then we quickly realized that we would have to dig a lot deeper and become really proficient in these other cultures, and we just weren’t. And we didn’t want to get that stuff wrong.

Eakett: Yeah.

Combs: And a really good book that I can recommend if you’re wanting more of that is called Before We Were Trans. Was it, Kit? Heyam?

Eakett: I think so. Yeah.

TB: Yes, yeah, I’ve read- I haven’t read that whole book, but I’ve read parts of it. And it is really good, yeah. I referenced it in one of the trans history episodes I did before.

Combs: Yeah, definitely, it more straightforwardly goes into details about the culture and the different cultural gender identities and stuff, Whereas in ours, we were sort of like, okay, we know this exists. We don’t fully, necessarily understand the subtleties and the cultural context, but we can say what the Europeans thought when they showed up and saw these people, because they wrote about it! And, like, you don’t have to know all the details, as interesting it would be, to show, well… clearly these people existed.

TB: Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it is so so important for trans and non-binary people to know that we have always existed and that we’re not a fad or a trend. We’re just a normal way some humans can be. And this book is going to help normalize that, for everyone. I think it’s going to help a lot of trans folks feel seen. And hopefully, a lot of cis folks know that there’s nothing new about being trans. So, I want to thank you both for making this book, because I think it’s going to help a lot of people. And you’ve done a really good thing.

Combs: Thank you so much. It’s so reassuring to hear you say that.

TB: I love this book, and I’m so glad that you were both willing to come on here and talk about it. It’s been lovely having you, so thank you so much for joining us to talk about this.

Combs: It’s so nice to see you again, Tilly, and to meet your wife. It’s nice to see and meet both of you. Thank you so much for having us.

Eakett: Yes, thank you both.

TB: Of course! And to the folks listening, once again, the book is Trans History: From Ancient Times to the Present Day, by Alex. L. Combs, and Andrew Eakett. Go pre-order it from bookshop.org right Now! We need books like this, so very much right now. It deserves your support.

Read it, because trans people have always been here, and we’re not going anywhere.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Transcribed by Kate Rascali – summerknights.bsky.social

ASK TILLY ANYTHING, part 5

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we wrap up our 100th episode celebration in episode 102, because I’m mad with power and do what I want! So here comes ASK TILLY ANYTHING! …part 5!

Do see ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 1 and part 2 from years ago, and then the new part 3 and part 4 first, if you know what’s good for you. You do know what’s good for you, don’t you?

On with your questions!

Hey Tilly. I have a question from a cis perspective. We have a new starter at work who (I am pretty sure) is trans, but she is introduced (as it should be) without any reference to that. I want to show solidarity, but unsure how.

Oh I am SO glad you asked. Okay, so, first:

You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. 

That’s the stuff all those bullshit “transvestigators” do and they universally seem to be trying to prove that any cis woman who doesn’t conform to the “gender ideal”, either in presentation or physically, is trans. It’s an awful way of policing gender conformity.

I don’t think that’s what the person asking this question was doing, but I wanted to make that bit clear to everyone else out there first. Just do not make assumptions about people’s gender and the world will be a kinder, better place for us all.

And definitely, absolutely, unequivocally do not ask someone if they’re trans. That could put us in incredible danger, and it’s also asking us to out ourselves to you (or anyone else who may be listening). It is, frankly, none of anyone else’s business if someone is trans or cis.

BUT, if you think this new coworker might be trans and you want to show solidarity and support… wear a trans pride pin. Not only when you talk to them, just… wear it. Always. When something comes up in meetings or whatever that might affect trans people, stand up for us. It is, of course, the right thing to do and SO much safer for cis people to do. You also then spare the person who may be the only trans person present from having to do it and out themselves if they’re not ready to and risk reprisals from transphobes.

In short, just be an accomplice. Stand close enough so that the bricks thrown at us hit you too, and use your privilege as a cis person to stand up for her and all of us. Which is, ideally, what you’re doing even when you think all of your coworkers are cis, right?

Check if your health insurance plan covers trans healthcare. If it doesn’t, fight to ensure that it changes and does.

These are the things we need. We don’t need people to ask if we’re trans and then tell us you support us, we need you to support us with all of the things I just mentioned.

Just keep doing those things. That is the support and solidarity we need.

Am I a chaser? I just think my trans friend is so cool and like maybe we could be more than friends. But like I don’t want to fetishise her.

My friend, my person, my fellow human, I kind of love you for asking this. Because if you’re worried you might be a chaser, that is the first step to not being an actual chaser.

Chasers, for those unaware, are (almost universally) cis men who fetishize trans women and literally chase us around trying to have sex with us. For more on them and how awful that all is, see CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN. (Warning: it includes screenshots of chasers in my DMs and some of the content is incredibly awful)

See the thing about chasers is that they never think about the feelings of the women they fetishize. That’s literally what fetishizing us is, right? Thinking of us only as objects you can use to get your rocks off.

Chasers don’t support trans rights, they turn on you the second you don’t fawn over their attention, they’re very often bigots who think we’re “naughty” or some “safe” way to explore their own feelings about their sexuality.

It is okay to be attracted to trans women! We’re great! Trans women are hot (just ask me). What’s not okay is to treat us as if we’re not human beings with feelings, wants, and needs of our own.

If you think you’d like to approach her about being more than friends… just do that the way you would with a cis woman. It’s literally no different. We’re just women!

As long as you respect us and don’t hound our DMs, as long as you’re not preying on the newly-out looking for someone to finally see them as the women they are, as long as you’re treating us like human beings, you’re not a chaser.

Just don’t be a creep! Not being a chaser is the easiest thing in the world to do (which makes it remarkable that so very many cis men entirely fail at it).

Can you discuss how cross dressers fit into the trans umbrella? Some cross dressers identify as trans but also as their assigned at birth gender or nonbinary, and some of the trans community seems unaccepting.

Yeah this one is really complicated, because cross-dressing isn’t the same as being trans. But some cross dressers are absolutely trans! But some also aren’t.

I think the important thing to remember here is that it’s not cross dressing that makes someone trans, because a whole lot of cis people do it. If you’re trans or nonbinary and a cross dresser, that’s cool, you’re trans. Cross dressing doesn’t negate your transness.

But cis people who are cross dressers do not get to call themselves trans, because by the very definition they’re cis. Or… presumably.

Because invariably some of those cis cross dressers discover they’re actually trans through cross dressing.

So I think we need to be inclusive of the cross dressing community, but I think the cross dressers who know they’re cis need to not take advantage of that. And I think that’s where the hesitance comes in, because there are so few places for trans people that don’t get invaded and taken over by cis people.

I mean I can’t speak for the trans people you mentioned who aren’t accepting of cross dressers, but my gut says that’s where it comes from. Fear over another potential cis invasion of space and privacy.

I think it’s on cis cross dressers to know that things for trans people, that are inclusive for cross dressers, are inclusive of trans cross dressers and are not intended for cis folks.

I mean drag queens technically fall under the cross dressing umbrella, but they’re almost all cis men. And conflating drag queens with trans women is a big problem, because it perpetuates seeing trans women as “men in dresses,” which we are not. 

I love drag queens! But outside of the few that are trans, the vast majority are not trans people. They’re cis men dressing up as (often heightened versions of) a different gender.

Do you cross dress for sexual gratification? Not trans. Do you cross dress for fun? Or work? Not trans. Do you want to be/feel or believe you are a different gender than the one assigned at birth? Trans.

It’s not the clothes you wear that make you trans, it’s about who you are.

I haven’t fully examined my thoughts on the topic before, so I’m not sure how well I’m explaining it and these might not be my final thoughts on it. Maybe it needs an essay of its own one day, I dunno. But that’s where I’m at right now.

Cis cross dressers gotta know what is and is not for them, and trans cross dressers are trans.

What languages do you speak? Of the languages you do not speak, what languages do you understand without needed a translation hearing them, and then seeing them on paper?

Well this is a, sadly, very short answer. I can only read and speak English, and that’s it. I had two years of French in high school, and my first teacher was great but the second absolutely killed my desire to continue learning it. So I never went any further beyond that, and I don’t remember much of it, and I haven’t had the time to try and pick up another one.

What is your artistic/creative dream?

At its most basic, to just be able to make a living writing and telling stories. For my wife and I to get staffed on a tv show, move up, and become showrunners that get to run shows we created someday. And to work on as much Star Trek as possible.

And if you wanna get really wild, if we somehow ever got incredibly successful financially, I’d love to start a studio specifically to produce movies and tv shows written and created by trans people.

From the wayback machine: how would you describe the character of the advertisement announcer on the Dixie Stenberg and Brassy Battalion Adventure Theater?

Oh shit. This is going to require some explanation.

So of the aforementioned podcast production company my wife and I run, our first show (that I created) was Umket Industries Presents: The Dixie Stenberg and Brassy Battalion Adventure Theater.

It’s an homage/spoof of old time radio audio drama, about a group of pilots with sci-fi planes and rayguns fighting nazis in WWII. It’s very silly, a nazi gets punched for comedic value in nearly every episode, and there’s a robot that goes through a “Servo reassignment surgery” ah ha ha ha there were no signs.

Anyway, as part of the show there were entirely fake commercials in the middle, all for products from the show’s fictional sponsor, that were also spoof of old radio commercials from the 30s and 40s (they. Were. a. TRIP.). And I played the commercial announcer in all fifty episodes of the show, in what can only be described as an ill-suited, warbling voice of discombobulated bewilderment. I honestly don’t think I could even do it anymore, after speech therapy!

And so to answer your question: I would describe that guy as perpetually confused but happy to read whatever is in front of him and support the employer who signed his paychecks.

Do you take any supplements in regards to your weightlifting and fitness regimen? And how has working out affected your mindset about transitioning?

So first, no, I don’t take any supplements or anything. I just eat a lot of protein and a lot of fiber (and let’s be honest, a lot of carbs). I do keep protein bars on hand for when I get snackish though, because you need a lot of protein to build muscle. My faves are TruBar, because they actually almost taste like candy bars. Best tasting ones I’ve had. I’m particularly fond of their Daydreaming About Donuts, Whipped for Key Lime, and Saltylicious Almond Love varieties. They’re also really high in fiber, which helps because when you eat a lot of protein, uh, you need that extra fiber. I am not paid to say any of this! I just legit love them.

But what supplements you take or don’t take, and what you eat or don’t eat, is going to vary for everyone because every body is different. I eat a PB&J for lunch every day with (rotating flavors of) a sugar-free and high fiber jelly and high-fiber bread, along with a pound of grapes and like three to four bananas. And every other day for dinner I have a salad so big we had to buy an extra big bowl for it, and it’s got an entire head of romaine lettuce and a ton of tomatoes and almost a pound of deli meat in it.

a mega sized green bowl full of lettuce, chopped grape tomatoes, and about a pound of diced deli turkey

And whatever meals are left I eat “normally”, except for my Friday cheat lunches (see FREEING UP MY BRAIN (lunch with Tilly).

And, like… that is not gonna work for most people. But it works great for me! I talked about that in PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU, I have an unreal alien metabolism, one of the things my dad gifted me with.

Also working out didn’t affect my transition mindset, it was actually the other way around! All the exercise I do was the first thing I ever did to start my transition, years before I could medically or socially transition. I talked all about that in BODY HACKING.

Also also, if you wanna see the latest of where all my exercise is at, check out my FOUR YEAR RETROSPECTIVE as it includes the most recent photo of where I’m at physically with my workouts.

Your hottest Star Trek takes. The ones you’ll lose followers over. I dare you to post them.

Dr. Pulaski is no more cranky or racist than Bones, and in fact learns and grows beyond her bigotry in her one and only season of The Next Generation. Yet she’s universally derided for it, while Bones is celebrated for it (he’s really unrepentantly racist toward Spock through all of The Original Series, and it’s always played for laughs). That’s some sexism at work.

Chris Pine is a far better Kirk than William Shatner was. Pine’s Kirk is overconfident and compassionate and charismatic. Shatner’s Kirk is smarmy and compassionate and charismatic. And the flip from smarmy to overconfident makes all the difference for me. I can love an overconfident character, but I find myself extra repulsed by smarmy cis white men these days. To be clear I don’t hate Shatner’s Kirk, he’s still compassionate. But sometimes the smarm is too much and it icks me out, and I don’t get that from Pine at all, so I’ll take Pine first every time. (I feel like I haven’t seen enough of Paul Wesley’s Kirk on Strange New Worlds yet to make a determination about where he falls in the Kirk hierarchy.)

Also there is no bad Star Trek. There are some highly problematic episodes, and movies and series that succeeded at what they were trying to do more than others, but… there is no bad Star Trek.

Best and worst things about the Star Trek franchise.

The best thing is how it’s founded on the ideals of inclusion and equality, of hope and wonder.

The worst thing is that it’s made by fallible humans and is always a product of its time. So it’s had sexist episodes, and racist episodes, and homophobic episodes, and transphobic episodes. It, and the people who work on it, are not exempt from the implicit biases of our society.

But it posits a world that is exempt from those, because we’ve recognized and addressed them, and over time it grows more and more into being as inclusive as its ideals have always been. And there’s no other mass media franchise you can really say that about, and that is a huge reason why I love it as much as I do.

It says we can be better if we choose to be better, and look at the wonders we can accomplish together when that happens.

And that’s fucking beautiful.

How do you think people should get over internalized transphobia? Is it the same for trans people as it is for the cis?

Oof, there’s no easy answer to that. Internalized and implicit biases are nightmares to root out and get rid of.

For INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA, the most important thing is, again, community. We can often see it in others when we can’t see it in ourselves. So we need other trans people to be like, hey babe…. That thing you just said about yourself? That’s internalized transphobia. We have to recognize it before we can fight it. And fighting it is about realizing that it’s transphobic society that wants us to feel that way, and they do NOT get to tell us how to feel about ourselves (especially when society wants us to feel embarrassed, or ashamed, or like we’re not enough, or like we’re freaks, or like there’s something wrong with us, or-). Nobody gets to tell us how to feel about ourselves.

For cis folks with implicit transphobia (see IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more), it’s the same as it is with other implicit biases. You have to recognize that they’re there and that society put those biases in you, and you have to actively work to change your way of thinking about it. And that can best happen by listening to and believing and learning from the people you want to change your biases about.

Because biases and phobias can crumble when the unknown is replaced with knowledge, because then you’ve no longer got anything to be scared of.

This is why representation in media is so fucking important, by the way. It’s the way most of the people in our country first learn about people who are different from them. And so if marginalized communities like trans people aren’t getting that rep (see 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA), or worse, have all the propaganda about us confirmed for them (see BAD REPRESENTATION: EMILIA PEREZ), that has real world consequences for us and the way we’re treated, thought about, and think about ourselves.

What advice would you give to people whose partners are trans or newly hatched as trans?

First I’d say you absolutely need to check out CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT for how very, very badly we need you to support us when we come out, and what can happen when you don’t.

Second, I’d say that you may have complicated feelings about it (even if you’re fully supportive!) and that’s okay, because you’re human. But what you cannot do is make your complicated feelings your trans spouse or partner’s problem. Our coming out isn’t about YOU, it’s about us, and it’s already such a complicated and complex and often difficult thing to do. 

The last thing we need is you trying to work through your weird feelings about “losing a version of us” or what have you, because that’s not what’s actually happening. This doesn’t mean you don’t have real feelings to work through! It just means your own internalized confusion over it, and possible internalized transphobia and/or homophobia) cannot be our problem, not then. See CIS GRIEF (over trans people when we come out) for more.

So my advice to you is, whatever it is you’re feeling, know that your spouse wasn’t lying to you about who they were. It doesn’t mean your marriage is a lie, it doesn’t mean staying married to them after transition is somehow breaking your vow because you vowed you were “marrying a man” and not a trans woman, or whatever other nonsense.

Your spouse was trying to be the person that society and all of their friends and family and possibly even you told them they were and had to be. And that hurt them, and it wounded them, and they want to be free of trying to be someone they’re not.

You care about them, you love them, you should want them to be happy and to be whoever they truly are. So when they’re on the path to doing that, and they trust you enough to tell you, you have got to support them all the way through it. You’re their spouse, that’s the job. It’s what you signed up for. That’s love, baby.

If you don’t know what they need, ask. If they don’t yet know, that’s okay. Tell them whenever they do, you’re there to help. It’s a scary as fuck time to come out, so just make it unequivocally clear you love them and support them and will be with them every step of the way.

Learn what you need to support them (there are lots of resources… like Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays, oh what?!). Learn as they learn. Follow where they lead. Just as you would with literally anything else in their life, because they’re your spouse, right?

You’re partners. So just… be a partner. Be a spouse. And love them.

What are some of the more memorable progesterone dreams you’ve had?

Y’know, I’ve never really gotten to have my Progesterone Dream Theater as part of Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays, so it’s about time to change that! Let’s get some immortalized in digital ink.

I should add, for those not in the know, progesterone is a hormone some trans women on HRT take, and it’s got some wild side effects, like increased sex drive, making you sleep really well (I’ve never slept better)… AND WILD-ASS DREAMS. 

I never had dreams like these before being on progesterone. And the benefit of posting them to social media for hilarity, is that I now have them all gathered together here. For you.

And now I present to you…. 

Tilly’s Progesterone Dream Theater! 


PROGESTERONE DREAM 1

so Guns N Roses was putting on a concert inside a deli
and Slash told me he couldn’t play for reasons, and so I had to play with the band instead
but… I don’t know how!
he doesn’t care, it has to be me
so he takes me to a case with his guitar, and I open it
and inside
is a tiny guitar half the size of normal
made out of rubber
and I pick it up and it bends all over, it’s very noodley 
and I say “but the strings are so tiny!”
and they are, even tinier than the rest of this mini bendy rubber guitar 
cut to the end of Welcome to the Jungle and I’m somehow playing it and things are going okay, but I’m struggling with the tiny strings and it keeps wobbling and bending and is hard to hold
and I can’t believe I am somehow holding it and plucking the right strings and somehow playing the song when I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MUSIC (this is a true fact)
and then it cuts right into the intro to Sweet Child O’ Mine 
and I don’t just manage it, I NAIL it
and I look to the crowd, and Slash is there in his hat, and he smiles and gives me a thumbs up


PROGESTERONE DREAM 2

things were REALLY weird and i KNEW they were weird but not that i was dreaming
so i kept asking every person in my dream why things were so weird and they all got mad at me for not knowing i was dreaming 


PROGESTERONE DREAM 3

I was in an infinite white void
running through it was a hallway with no ceiling
the walls were covered in Lego plates, so you could build on them
there was a bearded burly lumberjack guy in a harness dangling from a rope between the walls, swinging back and forth between them rapidly, sticking legos on to build stuff
and there was a flying drone with a bucket attached that had to zoom around and catch any legos he dropped
because if any hit the floor
WE WOULD ALL DIE


PROGESTERONE DREAM 4

a woman was talking to me, pointed a finger at me and said: “Well I can tell you one weird thing, you’re going to wake up right now.”
AND OUR ALARM IMMEDIATELY WENT OFF 


PROGESTERONE DREAM 5

I’m on the Walking Dead set and discover over 12 seasons only 240 hours passed for the characters (I was SO mad about it), and then Tom Petty had squirrel teeth and couldn’t sing and demanded I fix them for him


PROGESTERONE DREAM 6

I was being chased by a bundle of dry spaghetti, running through a grid in which, at every intersection, there was a singe dried spaghetti noodle that rose up to the infinite sky. I escaped my pursuer by… climbing a mountain made of one pound bags of baby carrots.


PROGESTERONE DREAM 7

We got a brand new apartment for the first time, and it was big and wonderful, but it was also a huge building up on stilts and the only way down was to ride an invisible cloth hammock conveyor UP 20 STORIES to a tower a couple miles across town and take its elevator down.

Also we had a tiny multicolored translucent gelatin cat with a moose head (complete with antlers) that followed us everywhere and liked to play inside sink drains

A very crude drawing attempting to show what was just described above, which I cannot describe any better than has already been described


PROGESTERONE DREAM 8

real me and a cartoon version of Timothy Olyphant are private detectives
tracking down a real rabbit who worked at an ice cream shop,
and the rabbit wore a shirt that said “are you a creamer?” 
(creamers were anyone who likes ice cream)


PROGESTERONE DREAM 9

Woke up with the phrase “uh oh, dinosaurs!” in my head


PROGESTERONE DREAM 10

Dreamed I had a heart attack and instead of calling the hospital, people called the Soulful Wellness Center. A van from there arrived five minutes later, and a woman got out and said I was now booked for a six night stay in June. But I’m having a heart attack NOW, I told her.
She shrugged and then misgendered me, so I forced the heart attack away, picked her up and threw her all the way across the street.


PROGESTERONE DREAM 11

I was helping Hayley Atwell learn ballroom dancing (to Total Eclipse of the Heart)
and she wasn’t sure if she should keep doing MCU movies
I said yes “because they’re running out of bankable stars” 
she was tooootally into me but respected that I was married and we would just be friends
then she asked me to put the eggs (that were on the floor in the corner of the room) away…
but only the brown ones


And now, for the installment of Progesterone Dream Theater that I think exemplifies them all:


PROGESTERONE DREAM 12

I know I had three dreams one night, and while I didn’t remember the first two dreams, I did remember everything faded to white between
and I was like what is this am I in a void?
no
there was a TITLE CARD between each of my dreams, and it looked just like this

Golden scripty text on a white background that reads “your brain’s scrambled!”

Thank you all for coming along with me on this ride of, now, two hundred nineteen Trans Tuesdays and one hundred and two podcast episodes.

I do these for you, and I hope I hope I hope they’ve been of some help to you.

Okay, I’m gonna vamoose. My cryotube needs maintenance, but my brain’s too scrambled to do it.

Somebody help a chick out?

Love you, babes.🩷

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

ASK TILLY ANYTHING, part 4

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! To continue celebrating 100 episodes of this podcast, you asked me stuff and I answered stuff! So here’s the stuff: ASK TILLY ANYTHING! …part 4!

You may want to check out ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 1, part 2, and part 3 first! Or not. I’m not the boss of you. (What if I were, tho? What if I were.)

Okay, you asked so many questions it’s taking me three essays to answer, to let’s just get right to it.

Silly bridges - is there a thing you do when you’re feeling particularly silly?

“Silly Bridges?” Mm, I see how it is.

Listen, I’m an incredibly silly person by nature (my social media “pre-coffee thoughts with Tilly” every morning should’ve clued you in), so… breathing, I guess? I’m almost never not silly.

One particular goofy thing I do all the time is sing little nonsense songs to Susan, though. Like:

Susan yeah, you’re so good, you’re the hottest chick in the neighborhood

Or

Doin’ the dishes is what I do, even though I don’t want tooooooooooooooooo

Go ahead and imagine hearing that shit all the time for your entire life and you’ll understand what a saint my wife is.

Milly bridges: what’s your favorite barbie head mold?

Milly? I- okay, uh, well I don’t actually… know… what the different molds look like or are called. Do they have specific names? They probably do.

But I do not know them.

Killy bridges: what’s your favourite scary movie?

Ohh this is a whole bit, huh? Aren’t you clever! (no, you are, I am legit amused)

I’m not actually super up on horror movies. Us creeped me out in a delightful way, and The Substance wasn’t really “scary” to me, as much as just… The Most. And if at any point you think it is being less The Most, it will immediately become The Moster.

But you know what? I SAW THE TV GLOW, even with its hopeful ending, still scares the shit out me for very trans reasons.

Chilly bridges: are you more of a warm weather gal or a cold weather gal?

I grew up in Chicago with horrid winters and black ice and having to wear a heavy winter coat over my damned halloween costume every year, and then nobody could even see it!

And now I live in Los Angeles and I’m madly in love with it.

And while weather is only part of that story (another part of it is in TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING, and there are still more components to it beyond that), I feel like that answers the question pretty well.

Also I was always cold pre-transition, and now that I’m on estrogen (see HRT), I’m even colder all the time-r.

SOMEONE TURN UP THE TEMP IN MY CRYOTUBE DAMN IT.

Lilly bridges: what’s your favourite flower?

Daffodils aka buttercups. They were everywhere when Susan and I were first together, so they always remind me of those heady early days of love, and of spring, and of joy, and of life. (why do they gotta smell like condoms when they start wilting tho?!)

Roses are also great because they’re the badasses of flowers. They grow great in blood.

Just like a pill-y bridges: favourite p!nk song?

Okay I must give you a standing ovation for this one, truly the pinnacle of the form.

As I talked about in FINDING OUR OWN REPRESENTATION (P!nk), All I Know so Far is my entire heart given musical form, and it’s what Susan and I danced to at our re-wedding (see A TRANS RE-WEDDING for more).

And as I mentioned in the re-wedding discussion, Never Gonna Not Dance Again is very much a “death before detransition” song, and my dream of a giant dance party to it with all of my friends will happen god damn it.

Outside of that, What About Us? is my favorite because it speaks so much to the times we find ourselves in… as good, wonderful people, so lost at how much of the world could be so evil, and how we deserve better than that.

Outside of that, look… it’s like asking me to pick a favorite kid (or so I hear people say, we only have the one kid ourselves so). So many of them mean so much to me, but…

I think I’d have to go with Raise Your Glass

Because:

  • It’s a total banger
  • It’s about “misfits” sticking together and loving each other
  • It doesn’t take itself too seriously
  • It’s fun as heck
  • IT’S A TOTAL BANGER
  • It’s about how not being a conformo is good actually
  • It makes me feel alive
  • It’s about how she loves all the weirdos who dare to be different, just like me
  • Did I mention it’s a total banger?
How did you and your wife start collaborating together on projects and get so in sync?

So funny story, I’ve been writing fiction for basically my whole life, and Susan was actually a journalist that I convinced to give fiction a try. The reasons she did are her story and not mine to tell, but suffice to say she did and then we started writing together, found we complimented each other really well, and never looked back.

And I think all of that worked because… I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before or not, but… we met each other writing Star Trek fanfic.

IT

IS

TRUE

And I think when you meet doing something so specific in a little niche, maybe a lot of your interests are bound to line up. Ours do. We tend to like and dislike the same things (in stories, tv, movies, etc). We have different hobbies and stuff, but we agree on everything important and she’s my best friend in the entire world. 

Being around her all day and writing with her is a literal joy, and I wish for something so amazing for all of you out there. Marry your best friend who’s also super smart and funny and creative and totally hot and just looking at them makes you wanna make out with them. 

Highly recommended.

If you hadn’t been a writer, what would you have done instead?

I don’t think I could have done anything else. It’s in my blood, as cliche as that sounds. It’s my heart, it’s my life, it’s just who I am.

The only other thing I would have wanted to be is a singer. But that was never in the cards for me.

When I was little I had chicken pox and I missed weeks of school because of it, and that was the time that like… basic music theory or whatever was being taught? Like basic, basic stuff. And when I came back they just expected me to know it? And I didn’t? And I didn’t understand, and nobody bothered to teach me.

On top of that, my mother helpfully told me for my entire life that I was tone deaf. So with her constant discouragement and my mountains of frustration with not understanding notes and pitch and whatever else, I kind of gave up on it.

I leaned into purposefully bad singing (with all my goofy little songs).

But guuuuuessssss what? After the gender-affirming speech therapy I had, I CAN NOW SOMEHOW CARRY A TUNE. I mean, I think. I don’t really know what that means. And I’m still off a lot. But now sometimes I’m not? 

I ain’t never gonna be a pro (lolz no), but now I can actually kind of sing the things I try to sing, and that means a whole lot to me.

So maybe don’t discourage people from their interests and make sure kids don’t fall behind after an illness! 

Uh, yeah, didn’t mean to get into a rant there. But writing is it for me. 

I have no other marketable skills! (other than being remarkably good-looking)

What’s the story behind your own egg cracking?

I don’t have an easy answer for this one! I didn’t have the “oh shit” moment most of us do.

I always felt drawn to girls and “girly things” and “wished I was a girl” and “prayed that I’d wake up a girl” (there were no signs… yes there were, see THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE), but I was never ever told that was a thing I could be. I was, in fact, actively discouraged and punished anytime I displayed any interest in those things.

So if you’d told me as a kid “oh that just means you are a girl, you’re trans and that’s okay” I’d have screamed in joy and gotten girly clothes and never ever looked back. But I didn’t have that option open to me, or even the knowledge that such an option existed. Which led to a lifetime of pain and GENDER DYSPHORIA, yaaaaaaaaaaay.

It was something that’d always been in the back of my mind, but I thought there was something wrong with me or, somehow also simultaneously, that’s just how all boys felt. Of course we’d all rather be girls, I mean… duh.

Somewhere around 2013 – 2015ish (I mentioned in ASK TILLY ANYTHING PART 3 that my full acceptance was possibly earlier than I thought from new evidence I found), I accepted that I was trans. It’s all hazy because it was so slow for me, and because, again, I knew that even if I was trans (spoiler: I sure am!) I couldn’t transition until mid-2020, I took my time exploring it and figuring things out. See the BODY HACKING essay for more on some of the earliest transition-related stuff I did.

It was horrifically hard to wait all those years, but wait I did. It’s a reason I don’t talk about publicly, though I’ve told a few friends who’ve asked (and please understand how much I trust you if you’re one of the people I’ve told).

So where, in all of that, do you define my egg crack? I honestly don’t know. I kind of feel like my entire life up until that 2013 – 2015ish hazy area was my egg slowly but continually cracking, until enough light finally got through and I had a name to put to this thing I’d always felt and known.

Which is a long-winded way to say “I don’t really know!”, I guess. Sorry I don’t have a clearer answer there!

The Screenwriters’ Instruction Manual is coming out WHEN? (you’re writing it, right?)

Ha! Heck no. I’m still learning, but then I think most of us probably are. There’s always more to learn about how to get better at what you do.

You can learn about three-act (or my personal face, five-act) structure, character arcs, writing natural, organic dialogue… but you’re also just as likely to pick up a lot of that by just writing. A lot.

As a wee babe, before I even knew what three-act structure was, I was writing in three-act structure! You pick it up from reading novels and watching movies and tv, comics, and so much more. You absorb an understanding of how story and character work, sometimes without even knowing you have.

There are already so many books on the topic, some good, many terrible. The thing is, again like I talked about a little back in PART 3… everyone is different, and writes in a different way.

Writer/producer John Rogers (who I’ve quoted in Trans Tuesdays before, specifically TRANS POLITICS 2: YOU MUST VOTE TO PROTECT US) has a lovely saying about this.

On March 28, 2024, @johnrogers.bsky.social posted: Although always remember my first rule of screenwriting books - each book only has two useful bits in it, and it's never the same useful two bits for any two writers

That’s just how artistic pursuits are!

I have no desire to write a book on screenwriting, but I’m always happy to answer specific questions if you have them! Hit me up.

Just please don’t ask me to read your script (unless we’re actual friends, in which case I am always happy to read and give notes as needed).

What’s the biggest thing you feel like you’ve learned about yourself in the course of doing your podcast?

Yeah this one is tough, because I’m not new to writing Trans Tuesdays, nor am I new to making podcasts (my wife and I have been doing it longer than most via our production company, Pendant Productions, which produces and releases the Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays podcast).

I’m not sure I’ve learned anything about myself in the course of continuing to do these two things I was already doing for years when the podcast started. Other than I really love writing and talking about gender and transness, and especially its intersection with art and media, and I think I’m really, really good at it.

Maybe I have also just learned I’m not as humble as I could be, but ehhhhhh I’m confident in the things I should be confident in, I think. 🩷

If you could get a uterus and ovaries grown from your own stem cells and implanted, would you?

Fascinating question. For me… no. That’d be an incredibly serious surgery, and while it’d absolutely be worth it for the trans women who want that… I just don’t. I feel perfectly like a mom already, even though I wasn’t the one who carried our son before his birth.

I mean, we’re also very happy having only one kid and don’t want any more, but even leaving that aside, that’s just never something I’ve wanted or desired. I know trans women who’d do almost anything for that chance, but that’s never been me.

I don’t know that I associate it all that closely with motherhood, really. Which may sound weird but some trans men and nonbinary people can get pregnant, and that doesn’t make them mothers, you know? They may prefer other terms. And adoptive mothers, and chosen mothers, and step-mothers… all are absolutely real varieties of “mother.” 

It also probably doesn’t help that I have an incredibly complex and difficult relationship with my own mother. She was technically and legally my mother, but I don’t feel like she was really much of a mom. Or rather, she was, but not what I’d call a kind, welcoming, parental kind of mom. I suspect that undoubtedly plays into my own feelings on the topic, because if she could carry me and give birth to me and not really be much of a good mom, that probably primed me to accept “just because you carried and birthed a baby doesn’t make you a mom,” if that makes sense. See TRANS PARENTS (Mother’s Day) for more.

I’m one of our son’s biological moms, but I’m not the one who carried him or gave birth to him.

And that’s okay with me.

Here’s an audio question I received from my fabulous friend Zoe:

TRANSCRIPTION: Hi Tilly, this is Zoe with my question for the 100th podcast episode, and it is as follows: do you have any tattoos related to The Matrix? And if you don’t and you were hypothetically going to get one, what would it be? Love you, bye!

So, at present, I do not! The only tattoo I have is the one on my right arm… does it count as more than one? It’s kind of a sleeve, but only on the outside of my arm and a little bit of the inside of my arm? You can see it in the Trans Tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo).

I’ve seen trans folks who’ve gotten the base-of-the-skull port that humans use to jack into the matrix tattooed on the back of their necks, and given that those ports all over the bodies of humans freed from the matrix represent the body changes from the wrong puberty trans people are forced to go through by a society that denies our existence (see my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX for more!), I find that such an incredibly powerful thing. To take ownership of that. To choose to put on your body this representation of what society does to us, to claim it, to say we have power over it… that’s… damn. It’s something I’ve thought about.

Buuuuut that’s also the spot that The Pink Opaque tattoo shows up in I Saw the TV Glow, where it’s a positive sign and signifier of the truth in our souls (see the Trans Tuesdays on THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW). And so I’ve thought about that, too. But they can’t both go in the same spot! Argh.

I also don’t know if I want a tattoo on the back of my neck, so these are things I’ve not thought a whole lot about. Hmm, I could maybe get the arm-ports on their bodies in The Matrix down my left arm… that’d be cool. But do I really want those there? I don’t know!

I’ve been too busy to really put enough thought into it, especially making it part of my body forever. Maybe that’ll change in the future! Right now I’m too busy to even think about what to have for lunch, so…

Would you rather fight 100 duck sized transphobes or 1 transphobe sized duck?

Well, I love this.

And while I am very enticed about the idea of punting duck-sized transphobes into trash cans, I think I’d have to go with one transphobe-sized duck. Why? Aha, it’s a trick question.

It’s because ducks are great and we wouldn’t fight, we’d be besties and now I have a human-sized duck I can ride around on.

Checkmate Tilly!

Come back next week before my cryotube thaws, as we wrap up all your questions, both sensical and non!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – Part 5 is here!

ASK TILLY ANYTHING, part 3

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! To celebrate the podcast version of these reaching its 100th episode, you sent me tons of questions, and I have tons of answers! Here’s ASK TILLY ANYTHING! …part 3?!

Okay so before I get into it, I wanna say yes, this is actually the third AMA essay I’ve done (and there will be another one next week and the week after, because you asked me too many questions to answer in one episode!).

The first two were to celebrate Trans Tuesdays reaching one hundred essays, and that happened before the podcast ever existed. So if you’ve only recently discovered Trans Tuesdays, or only listened to the podcast version, those are new to you! So check out ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 1 and ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 2.

Initially I thought I’d do another AMA to celebrate Trans Tuesdays reaching two hundred essays, but that happened in the middle of THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW deep dive, and I wasn’t gonna stop that to do an AMA and then pick it back up again.

Trans Tuesday 200 was actually THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW, part 3, and this essay (and the second one next week, and the third the week after) are actually Trans Tuesday 217, 218, and 219, for all of you Tilly’s Trans Tuesday Trivia Types out there.

But enough of that, we’ve got SO many questions to answer, so let’s get to it! I’m going to answer all of these in entirely random order… some are serious, some are thoughtful, some are goofy. It’s gonna be a good time! Let’s go! 

Here’s one that was emailed to me:

I’ve heard you say that “every trans selfie is an act of resistance.” Thank you for teaching me this. It’s meant a lot to me to know that just by existing, I am fighting our patriarchal systems in our society.

I want to ask if you are the originator of that saying, so that I may give you full credit when I share it with others.

You’ll find me saying that across multiple Trans Tuesdays, especially in PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS, PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE, and PHOTOS 3: TILLY’S GUIDE TO SELFIES.

As to if I’m the originator of it… actually, I don’t know. I’ve been saying it for years and years, and every so often I feel compelled to say it again with one of the selfies I post. Because it’s absolutely true, especially now with the surge of transphobia in our government and media.

Simply showing that we cannot and will not let you take our joy at being who we are is an act of resistance in a society that wants to legislate us out of existence and pretend we aren’t real. See TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING.

I think I came up with it? But honestly it’s also likely I may have seen someone else post or say something similar before I ever did it, and it seeped into my consciousness that way. I honestly can’t remember for sure!

This is what happens when you write two hundred and seventeen Trans Tuesdays, I guess!

Also, if you have time, would you detail some of the best tips you know on how to be actively as well as passively fighting for our rights?

As I said in THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE, the most important thing for every trans person to do now, in the coming years, and for always, is survive.

Simply existing and refusing to let them stop us is fighting for our rights. It’s fighting for all of us.

Always, always, always vote for the people who will protect our rights See TRANS POLITICS 2: YOU MUST VOTE TO PROTECT US. Even when it’s frustrating. Even when it hurts. Even if all you can do is vote for someone who’s the least bad, or only half as progressive as you’d like. Every step away from full-right fascism and bigotry is a step in the right direction.

Contacting your government representatives is also really important. Even if you’re in a deep red area, call them on their bullshit every time. Even if you’re in a deep blue area, thank them when they do the right thing and stand up for us.

Beyond that, if you have the time and energy and only if it is safe for you to do so, going to marches and demonstrations, trying to be sure everyone in your life knows how important trans rights are. Call out friends and family members on their bigotry and stop letting it slide. Again, I cannot stress this enough, ONLY DO THAT IF IT IS SAFE FOR YOU TO DO SO. 

This is why we need cis people to do even more of what I just outlined, because it IS safe for you to do so, and other cis people will listen to YOU when they won’t listen to US. See TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA.

But mostly, for trans folks for the foreseeable future… stay safe, stay you, and stay on this side of the ground. And be as visible as the sun (if it is safe for you to do so).

What movie/tv/book do you consider to be the most underrated, and why?

If we’re talking about the general population, honestly I think I’d say the Matrix sequels (especially Reloaded and Revolutions). I think people who’ve read my book likely already appreciate them as much as they deserve to be, but the general consensus outside of trans circles is almost actively derisive.

And, like… look, The Matrix was legitimately revolutionary in so many ways. It changed filmmaking. That’s not something that is going to happen with every sequel, too. It’s incredibly rare that that ever happens. I think you can make a case that it changed the medium just as much as the original Star Wars did.

But The Matrix has a more universally identifiable story than its sequels do. It’s very much about realizing you’re trans, choosing to accept that and then transition, but more broadly it’s about not feeling like you’re who society says you are or have to be. Everyone knows what it’s like to have expectations set upon you that you never asked for, and wanting to break out of those to be who you really are. So cis people can connect with it much more easily.

Reloaded and Revolutions (and then much later, Resurrections) are about much more specific parts of trans existence. So if you don’t know what they’re saying about trans people in the allegory… I think they’re somewhat inscrutable to a large portion of cis folks.

And that makes me kinda mad, because when cis folks declare that those movies are empirically bad, it feels like what they’re saying is “I don’t understand trans existence and therefore stories about said existence are not worth telling.” But then I remind myself that most of the folks saying that probably don’t even realize how specifically and intentionally trans the movies are. Yet it still feels like the core of it is that they think trans stories aren’t worth telling.

I swear I didn’t mean for this to turn into an advertisement for my book, but I wrote the damn thing because I’m passionate about storytelling, writing, and trans issues, and I think our stories are more important than ever.

So anyway, if you want to understand what the whole Matrix franchise is saying about trans people, and maybe understand the sequels in a way you never did before, BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX is the book for you! (I link to the ‘zon only so you can see the reviews, please do buy it elsewhere… but leave a review for it there if you could, it is sadly still vital to a book’s success).

When I finally come out to someone and they tell me how brave I am, why does it feel so hollow and patronizing?

I think the answer to this one is because we should not HAVE to be brave just to be ourselves. We absolutely do have to be in this world, and that’s really fucked up.

So it feels hollow and patronizing because they’re acknowledging how difficult cis people have made it for us to come out… while seemingly doing and saying nothing about how they’re going to fight to make a world where we don’t have to be brave to exist.

Again, that is on YOU, cis folks. There aren’t enough trans people to change society on our own, and it’s not our job to fix cis transphobes’ hearts. IT’S YOURS.

Maybe stop telling us we’re brave, and instead tell us how you’re going to protect us and fight for us so we don’t have to be brave just to exist.

Didn’t wanna ask anything. Just grateful for the work you do, and how you’ve enabled others to help each other.

Well gosh. Thank you, truly. I don’t know that I’ve enabled others to help each other, though. I mean, I hope I have, but that’s not for me to say. But it means a lot to me that you said that, so thank you again.

I just want to help. 

What’s the earliest memory that you remember that indicated you were different?

I’m guessing by “different” you mean “trans” or “not cis” or “not a boy,” so that’s how I’m going to answer it (though I think I’m different from most people in a lot of ways).

I honestly don’t know how old I was, but I was pretty little… every time we would go to visit my grandma and great aunt, they would let me dress up in their dresses and costume jewelry and high heels, and I’d walk around saying I was a pretty girl.

THERE WERE NO SIGNS.

(yes, of course there were signs, see THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE)

Anyway, they (and my mom) all thought this was hilarious and that I was doing it for laughs, because of that ol’ “boys and men doing anything feminine is worthy of mockery and derision” chestnut that pops up time and time again. See any of my TRANS REP IN MEDIA reports for just how often this implicitly transphobic idea pops up.

I was… probably 3 or 4? Somewhere in there. But there came a point where suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore and I was told I was “too old” to do that now, because that’s not what boys do.

I was heartbroken.

So much so that despite most of my memories being lost from dissociation due to GENDER DYSPHORIA, that one has stuck through everything. The hurt of being denied the happiest thing I got to do.

Do not ever say there’s no such thing as trans kids. I will fling you into the sun.

Goodness, I have too many. Charlize Theron, Lupita Nyong’o, Aubrey Plaza, Hari Nef, Hayley Atwell, Katy O’Brian, Laverne Cox, Sunita Mani, Jessica Parker Kennedy, Gina Torres… 

Listen, I must stop because I don’t have all day.

Michelangelo all the way. I will love the goofball every time.

How do you get into the writing groove?

All I can tell you is what works for me, but writing is kind of like transition… no two paths are exactly the same and we all have to find what works for us.

I love writing. I love writing. But even still sometimes it’s hard to face that blank page. Once I get going… I’m fine, all the way through the draft, revisions, you name it. It’s that blank page that always gets me, and I’m sure (despite all evidence to the contrary) that this time will be the time I’ve entirely forgotten how to do it.

So I force myself to set up the document, look at that blank page… and just write. JUST DO IT. Doesn’t even matter what it is, if I delete it all later, whatever. Once I start the writer-brain kicks in and off I go.

The most important thing I learned long ago, and that I think many “newer” writers struggle with, is letting go of perfection. In fact, you have to let it suck. It’s hard to just let something be bad! But it’s okay, and in fact necessary. LET IT BE BAD. You can make it great in revisions, that’s what they’re for. But you can’t fix what’s not there.

It’s why first drafts are always the hardest for me. Just let go. Let it all go and put some words down. It all starts there. And then just keep putting more words down, without worrying about if they’re good or what you want them to be. Just get ‘em out.

Who is your favorite Trek character?

This is the first of several Star Trek questions that were asked, and let me just say I was delighted to see every one of them.

I have a few. Jean-Luc Picard, because I love everything about him and also because he’s my space dad. I learned a whole lot about how to be the person I am from him.

Jadzia Dax, because to a trans girl who didn’t know she was trans, I saw so much of myself in her for reasons I didn’t understand. I learned a whole lot about the person I was and wanted to be from her.

In the modern Trek era, I glommed on to Michael Burnham immediately, and over the course of Discovery she absolutely entered the upper echelon of my Trek faves.

I also gravitate a lot toward D’Vana Tendi, because I see so much of myself in her.

I can’t imagine how I’ll feel once a trans woman character finally shows up in Trek (there’ve been multiple nonbinary characters and a trans man, but still no trans women).

Or maybe I can imagine…

How many names did you go through before choosing the one you chose?
How did you decide to choose your name?
Please talk about the importance of choosing our own names, including surname, vs. cis feelings about “the family name” and reputation? (you probably know who this is lol)
Have you done an ep about choosing names? What brought you to “tilly”?

Wow, okay, popular question. Little known fact, but one of the earliest Trans Tuesdays was on NAMES AND PRONOUNS. You can read it for the full story on how I came to “Tilly.”

I’ve struggled with revising that one and bringing it back (and to the podcast for the first time), because it includes mention and discussion of my deadname. As this was very early on in Trans Tuesdays (it was number six!), almost everyone who was reading at the time were people who knew me pre-transition.

Even though almost nobody was reading them at the time, that was the main audience at the start. I didn’t know if other trans folks, or anyone who didn’t know me pre-transition, would ever find or read them.

So I approached it from the angle of “this is who you knew me as, but this is who I really am.” And that’s demonstrably not true for the audience for Trans Tuesdays today, as they’ve grown so much bigger than I had ever anticipated.

BUT the name “Tilly” is inextricably tied to my deadname, in that it’s hard to fully explain it without mentioning and discussing my deadname, and I just do not have any desire to do that. So go read that original essay!

The gist of it is that I liked some things about my deadname, even though I hated the name itself. I liked part of how it looked, I liked it ending with an “ee” sound, and that led me to where I ended up.

I briefly considered Victoria, but it just didn’t feel like me at all, Vicky even less so. But then I thought of Tori, as a diminutive for it, and I kind of dug that. But it wasn’t quite right. 

So it went from Tori being mashed up with a few things I liked from my deadname, and Tilly was the result. Once I hit on it I knew that was it. I tested it out in my head for a while and every time it felt right.

I had it picked, and knew it was my real name, years before coming out publicly and beginning my medical and social transition (I’ve said many times I knew as far back as 2015 that I was trans but couldn’t do anything about it until a set time in 2020. Though I recently discovered evidence I’d forgotten that now makes me think it was even earlier, maybe 2014 or 2013.)

Anyway! Go read that essay if you want more, but caution: contains deadname! I don’t care if people know what my deadname was, I came out in such a public way because I was already fairly well known in the podcasting community and my deadname and deadvoice are in the credits of hundreds of podcast episodes, there’s no way I could change them all so it’s not like I could hide it even if I wanted to.

I just don’t like thinking about the time I was associated with that name.

There’s a great power in choosing your own name, though. If you don’t feel yours fits, pick one that does! First, middle, last, whatever! This goes for cis people, too.

You get one life and it’s yours, and nothing is more you than your name. It should be what best speaks to YOU.

What’s your favorite webcomic?

I sadly never really got into webcomics, for a whole list of boring reasons about my available time and how much more of it I wanted to spend at my computer when the webcomic boom happened (and you couldn’t yet read them on smartphones, as there were no smartphones).

I very much enjoy Poorly Drawn Lines, though.

What are your voice training tips? How to get over the cringe when starting out?

I covered all my specific tips in TRANS VOICES 1: GENDERING, TRANS VOICES 2: HEARING THE TRUE YOU, and TRANS VOICES 3: INTERVIEW WITH MY SLP JEIN YI (she also has some tips!).

One of the hardest parts for me, for a long time, was “the cringe” of having to hear my old voice over and over again. Not just when speaking it, but even worse… when recorded and played back. Recording yourself practicing and listening to it played back is the best way to hear what techniques you need more practice with, and which ones you’re doing well.

And that’s so hard to do when your voice gives you dysphoria, like mine did.

What I had to do was remind myself, every time, that I was doing this for me. Spoiler: that’s also what kept me practicing consistently every single day for three years!

It feels like a chore, it’s painful to listen to and makes you feel awful, but we’re doing it to make ourselves feel better. I cannot tell you the joy and GENDER EUPHORIA that I get from hearing myself now, because it sounds like me.

And I could never have gotten to that point if I didn’t put in all the work, and push through how bad hearing my old voice made me feel.

So just remind yourself that you’re doing it so that you won’t sound so cringe to your own ears in the future. We’re dealing with it more now so that we can hopefully reach a point where we never have to deal with it again.

I’m not giving up, but how do I find the will, the wherewithal, the whatever it is I need to get through the next two years (or four, or however-long-this-goes-on), when every day is so exhausting, demoralizing, and terrifying?

Damn. I wish I had an easy answer for you. Though… maybe I do.

Because what I was going to say was that you’re not alone. I feel that way and ask myself that, too. I think all of us do.

And that’s where the “easy” answer is. You get the will, the wherewithal, the whatever it is you need to get through from community. Absolutely none of us, myself included, are going to get through this alone.

We need each other for support and help. I find, so often, that in helping others with their struggles I help myself in the process, and I think that’s almost universally true.

Which I think also reiterates what I said in THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?, because together is the only way any of us are going to get through this (and I don’t just mean trans folks, I mean people from every marginalized community, TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY is vital babes).

And if you don’t have any community, come on over to my Discord, because there’s a whole thriving community there who’d be so glad to have you.

Here’s an audio question I received from my lovely friend Jenn Wallace:

TRANSCRIPTION: Hello Tilly, hello Susan, Jenn Wallace here. Congratulations on your first hundred episodes. You know, when you had me on you asked me four questions, but I’ll just go ahead and ask one. So, what’s been the absolute best thing about your first hundred episodes. All right, love you, bye!

For me, I think there’s a couple things. I love all the folks we’ve been able to bring on and introduce to all our listeners, and show the world how incredibly diverse and different and amazing and human we all are. I love love love being able to do that, and that’s something the podcast gets to do that the text version of my essays don’t. So I’m very grateful for that.

But if one hundred podcast episodes and two hundred seventeen essays have shown me anything, it’s that I love doing this, and it means so much to me that it’s meant so much to all of you. Your responses have always been the best part, and that’s not changed. Knowing something helped you, or helped someone you know… it’s just everything.

And I’ll keep doing it for as long as I have something to say and am able to.

And with the way trans people written by cis writers in media is going, I will not be allowed to die and will be doing my 2874 TRANS REP IN MEDIA report from my cryo-tube at the end of the universe where I think my thoughts into a computer and they’re beamed right into your brains one cryo-tube over. 

Like oh my god, can you believe how cold it is in here? Unacceptable!

Come back next week as I beam more AMA answers direct into your thinkmeats!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – Part 4 is here!

TRANS REPRESENTATION IN 2024 MEDIA part 3: TV part 2

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Here we go with TILLY’S 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA, part 3: TV part 2! We finish our discussion on trans rep on complete seasons of tv that I saw last year, and then look at the overall numbers and see how they stack up my past two annual reports! Spoilers abound!

As we get to overall totals and comparisons this week, be sure you’ve read 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA, part 1: MOVIES and 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA, part 2: TV part 1!

My Adventures With Superman s2 – 1
In one episode there is a “Metropolis’ Most Eligible” contest, but note it doesn’t say “bachelor” or “bachelorette!” And one of the finalists is non-binary and has they/them pronouns! Even though they have no lines, it was nice to see.

Only Murders in the Building season 4 promo poster, showing Martin Short, Steve Martine, and Selena Gomez surrounded by movie film with photos of the season’s guest star cast in the frames.

Only Murders in the Building s4 – 0
Okay, this one got rough, which is really sad because this was my warm comfort show. This was the worst offender on trans jokes that I saw all year. Past seasons weren’t like this! Did something change behind the scenes and some transphobe got more power or something? I’m so baffled.

This season there are a set of sisters called the Brothers Sisters, which is supposed to be a joke, but why is that funny? Because they’re called brothers when they’re sisters, right? Which feels half a step from a misgendering joke. They also both kind of have deep voices. They make a point that one is really strong, they dress weird, nobody wants to be around them, and in flashbacks to college they’re both kind of wearing suit coats. And I’m just saying all of that sure is a big coincidence isn’t it? I’m counting their entire concept as a joke at our expense, and their portrayal as another joke that’s a dig at trans people.

For a while Oliver impersonates a midwestern grandma to spy on his girlfriend on Instagram, and he affects a voice for her, and they sure didn’t pick a midwestern grandpa for him to impersonate did they? More of “men acting like women is funny,” so this sweet show I adored is now up to three jokes at trans people’s expense.

Episode 5 has a very bad pronoun joke. Charles is telling a story about their mystery killer, and starts off saying “he or she” and then says “I’m just going to stick to male pronouns because it’s easier even if it’s not accurate,” which is what transphobes do to us all the time! The SAME episode has an Ace Ventura joke (with the movie mentioned by name, and if you’re not familiar that movie is HORRIBLY transphobic and makes a mockery of trans women and hits almost every bad trope about us). And the episode ALSO has a Harry Potter joke! Which is of course always awful because of its creator JK Rowling, who might be the world’s biggest transphobe and uses her billions to try and strip our rights away.

A horrid pronoun joke that’s in line with what transphobes say, an Ace Ventura reference, AND a Harry Potter joke, and all in one 22-minute episode is like a transphobic hat trick. What the fuck. 

In a brief scene Paul Rudd’s character, who has an outrageous fake Irish accent, calls another man “lassie” for… lulz i guess? Another misgendering joke.

I’m so, so mad and disappointed. But don’t go blaming the cast for this, they likely don’t even know that so much of the season was stealth transphobia right under the surface. You don’t see it until you see it, you know?

But this was a show that was so dear to me, and to have it repeatedly make a mockery of my existence hurts like hell. 

Orphan Black: Echoes s1 – 0
The show is set in the 2050s and a teen girl is bored by a “cishet” relationship, which isn’t really anything to talk about but it’s so rare to hear “cishet” in anything I thought it worth a mention!

In the finale a bad guy calls Kristen Ritter “dude,” but I don’t know why, not a joke and he’s being a dick at the time. Is that a deliberate misgendering of a cis woman? Or just the “words for men are okay to use for everyone” thing our society does creeping in again? I don’t know.

Quantum Leap s2 – 2
Ian is still in the main cast, a nonbinary character played by nonbinary actor Mason Alexander Park, who remains fantastic.

There’s an episode with a nonbinary character named Dean, played by nonbinary actor Wilder Yari, who wears a makeshift binder and comes out to their family, and it also includes discussion of what nonbinary means and they/them pronouns (it’s set in the 1950s so the characters didn’t have that terminology, but learn it from our time-traveling lead, Ben). 

This episode was written by Shakina, who wrote the super trans episode of this show back in season one, and it is again fabulously done. Be sure to check out the Trans Tuesday INTERVIEW WITH SHAKINA when I talked about it with her.

Along with Heartsopper, the Quantum Leap reboot was one of the bright spots of trans rep in television each year. It has sadly since been canceled, soooo trans rep may be taking another nosedive next year.

Resident Alien s3 – 0
There’s a lady alien with wings and feathers that keeps getting called a “bird lady” or “bird person” and she says “my noun is avian” which is just anoooooother recycled pronoun joke. 

Shrinking season 2 promo poster with Jason Segel and Harrison Ford sitting on adjacent benches in a park, Ford’s got one arm extended and his hand on Segel’s shoulder

Shrinking s2 – 0
In one episode the lead character Jimmy wakes up screaming from a nightmare and someone overhears and says they heard “an old lady screaming”. Yet another “anything feminine associated with a man is funny” joke.

Also a cis woman tells another cis woman she has to “sack up” and do a thing she doesn’t want to, but it’s not a joke or anything. Just another instance of the way our society says it’s cool for women to say and do stuff men do, whereas the opposite is to be derided and laughed at.

In another episode a cis woman says to a cis man friend, “such my dick you big dumb bitch,” and it’s played for laughs. It’s a joke. Ha ha women with penises are hilarious!

I’m so tired.

In another episode a gay man and his husband are thinking about adopting a kid and someone says “Jimmy’s having a baby!” And a guy responds “You’re not even showing.” Which I think is another “men being pregnant is hilarious” joke, because if that played out exactly the same but “Jimmy” was a woman it wouldn’t be a joke, would it? There was a show last year, UPLOAD, that did a whole terrible protracted scene around the joke of a man being pregnant, ignoring the reality of trans men entirely. I talked about that in 2023 TRANS REP IN MEDIA part 3: TV part 2.

When a cis woman hands a cis man a baby and he asks what to do if it gets hungry, she says “you’ve got nipples, whip out a titty.” A MAN with BREASTS and BREASTFEEDING, so hilarious, can you even imagine. Ugh.

And here’s the thing. This show is about mental health and forgiving ourselves (and others) and is generally positive and uplifting. But look at all those stealth transphobic jokes that worked their way into it.

I should mention this show is from the same folks who made Ted Lasso… which you can also hear me talk about in the 2023 TRANS REP IN MEDIA part 3: TV part 2 report, because that show was called “the kindest show on tv” and it ALSO had a LOT of stealth transphobic jokes. 

These folks keep making shows about being good and kind humans, but can’t see their own implicit transphobia and it keeps making me feel like their kindness is reserved only for cis people.

Silo s2 – 0
Is this show still a remarkable trans allegory? I believe so. Will I do another full write up on it, like THE UNINTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF SILO Trans Tuesdays? I very well might. We shall see! There were some moments that felt allllllmost intentionally trans, as in season 1, so my gears are definitely turning.

No out trans or nonbinary people are involved with making it, however, as far as I know.

Skeleton Crew s1 – 0

Slow Horses promotional poster with Gary Oldman and the rest of the cast behind him.

Slow Horses s1 – 0
In one episode some right wing bigots are sitting in a house with someone they abducted, and one comes in and looks at a carton of milk by the tea (yes there’s tea even for bigots, it’s a very British show). He says “oh, you got milk,” and the cranky leader dude replies with “no, he lactated it.” Another joke about lactating men, and yeah these are literal bad guys, but it wasn’t making fun of them for being ignorant and bigoted, it was a joke about how funny it would be if a man lactated (and hey, some trans men do). Very very tired of this crap.

In another episode a character is about to show off his hacking progress and says, “ladies.” There are two women and a man with him. The man speaks up and says, “…And gentleman.” And the first guy looks at him and pointedly says, “LADIES.” Misgendering for humor! Because it’s just so funny, isn’t it?

COME ON.

Slow Horses s2 – 0
The boss at MI5 is a lady who everyone calls “ma’am”. One of the enforcers at MI5 is arguing with someone under her command, and she dismisses the enforcer and the guy under her command smiles and nods at the enforcer, and calls him “ma’am.” AUGH YOU DID IT AGAIN STOP IT STOP IT.

Slow Horses s3 – 0
In one episode a man knees another in the groin, and when the victim reacts in pain the attacker says something to the effect of “that didn’t hurt, you’ve got no balls” with the implication that you’re not a man without testicles. But hey, that’s a lot of trans men! Sigh.

In another episode a cis male character says to another cis male character, “hold on to your tits” when he’s about to drive fast. These jokes are insidious and everywhere.

Slow Horses s4 – 0
But no jokes about us this time, oho! How sad is it that that is progress.

I want to add I LOVE this show. A lot.

It also makes a lot of bad gender jokes that are implicitly transphobic.

Two things can be true.

Somebody Somewhere s3 – 1
Fred Rococo is back as a main supporting character, played by trans man Murray Hill. He’s so great, as always, but he felt a bit underutilized this season. 

Fred Rococo spinoff when?

Star Trek Discovery s5 – 3
Nonbinary character Adira is still a main cast member, played by nonbinary actor Blu del Barrio. 

Trans man character Gray returns for a couple episodes, and is still played by trans man Ian Alexander. 

Another character with “they” pronouns briefly talks to someone about drag racing. In another episode there’s an alien species that has three genders, and the third uses they/them pronouns.

This was the queerest (and least white) Star Trek show, but it’s done now and I’m sure going to miss it. It was the first to really live up to all of Trek’s inclusive ideals in terms of cast.

Star Trek Lower Decks s5 – 0

Star Trek Prodigy s2 – 1
Zero is still in the main cast and is nonbinary, but is played by a cis actor. But alllso Zero’s story this season is a trans allegory, and I can tell you it was definitely intentional because it’s what my wife Susan and I were brought in to help them with and consult on! We worked on a Star Trek! Hell yeah. 🖖

Superman and Lois s4 – 0

We Are Lady Parts s1 – 0
So this show is about an all Muslim woman punk band, which is amazing, but one of their songs is called “Voldemort under my head scarf”. Now listen, it’s not ABOUT Harry Potter shit, it’s about people who are afraid of a hijab like there’s something evil underneath it. Buuuuut they say his name like twenty times and drop Harry Potter house names too, and as a trans woman that’s just absolutely no fun to watch. Which is sad because I actually like the song!!

In the pilot a cis lady asks another cis lady “why are you such a boner-killer,” ha ha women with penises, that old hilarious chestnut. 

In episode 2 the same character calls her cis lady friend “bro,” but there is a LOT of this throughout the entire series. I suspect it’s true to the culture (it’s set in the UK), but there’s also just a ton of it. Saying things to each other like “nice one, man,” or multiple times they refer to each other as “lads.”

We Are Lady Parts s2 – 1
There’s yet ANOTHER song with a Harry Potter reference. And as this show is made in and set in the UK, they have to be even more aware of JK Rowling’s transphobia, right? If you know that and you’re still including Harry Potter references, that’s pretty bad. Of course I have no way to know if they’re actually aware of Rowling’s hatred or not.

Nonbinary actor Libby Mai is in one episode playing Chelle, though the character’s gender is never mentioned.

Now here’s something weird. In episode 3 of season 2, there’s a Martina Navratilova reference, when a millennial lesbian says she had posters of her on her bedroom wall as a kid. I’m not sure the timing there even lines up right for when millennials were kids and Navratilova was popular in the world of tennis, but Navratilova is also a known transphobe now.

Given this and the repeated Harry Potter references, it’s got me feeling wary and a little bit suspect. It could all still be coincidental, but there could also be someone behind the scenes who shares some views with some famous transphobes. 

What If s2 – 0

What if s3 – 0
One cis woman calls a group of three other cis women “guys.” And they’re all from alternate realities, so I guess dudes are just so good that words for them get applied to everyone in every universe. So that’s… cool.

What We Do in the Shadows s6 – 0
There’s one joke about a man with “a lady’s haircut,” ha ha funny right? C’mon c’mon, the show’s so much better than a joke that low.

There is also… a Harry Potter joke. COME ON. Like even if you don’t know about JK, it makes me wonder if you don’t know or if you do and you agree with her. Please stop referencing her, for the love of all that is good in the world.

The penultimate episode features Coney Island carnie vampires and one is a bearded lady. She has no lines but at least isn’t played for a joke. Though she does appear with a troupe of carnival sideshows, which is bad. We’re not freaks for your amusement.

That brings us to the end of my report! I mentioned way back in PART 1 of this 2024 trans rep in media report that some other folks sent in some of their own reports for inclusion, so I’m going to mention those here. Please note I have not personally seen these shows or movies, though I trust the people sending them in did their best to be accurate.

The lovely Duna sent in these:

Acapulco s3 – 0

Bodkin s1 – 0

Constellation s1 – 0 

House of the Dragon s2  – 2
Nonbinary actor Emma D’Arcy has a lead role, though the character uses she/her pronouns.

Abigail Thorn appears in this show as well, in the season finale, playing a character that seems quite likely to continue into season 3. She plays a woman pirate that’s respected, feared, and has many wives. There is mud wrestling. (I am suddenly interested in this show). Abigail’s character is not mentioned as trans, but the show sets expectations that her character is a man so that her reveal is a surprise… and that’s not great, and kinda feeds into the “surprise” “trap” aspect a bit. But again, as I’ve not seen this myself, I can’t really comment on if it fell into or deftly avoided that trope.

A Murder at the End of the World s1 – 1
Nonbinary actor Emma Corrin stars, but plays a cis woman.

Outer Range s1 – 0 

Outer Range s2 – 0
Duna said it seems like there’s some going out of the way to set up a couple transphobic lines. As an example, there’s a man named Trudy who seemingly exists just so someone can grumble “that’s a goddam woman’s name,” and then is rarely seen again. Well! That’s not great.

Palm Royale s1 – 0

The Power s1 – 2
Episode 3 introduces Sister Maria, a trans woman character played by trans actress Daniela Vega. Maria explains her coming out story and how their convent for wayward girls was formed by a group of nuns who were excommunicated from the church for standing up for justice during the AIDS epidemic. After this episode her character is still around but not featured as much.

Episode 6 reveals a character to be an intersex person who has the power. He explains that he identifies as a guy. Played by Nico Hiraga, who is not openly intersex as far as we know.

Presumed Innocent s1 – 0 

Time Bandits s1 – 0

Velma s2 – 1
There’s a nonbinary character, Amber, voiced by nonbinary actor Sara Ramirez. They/them pronouns are used. There’s a scene where men and women are being separated and Amber loudly asks where they should go if they aren’t either. 

There is a secret facility where one character puts people’s brains in a jar so they can figure out who they really are while they have no outside influences, then puts them back in their body. In the examples shown, clearly some of them come out of that experience happily queer. This is kinda glossed over, and Duna felt it deserved more attention! I would concur!

The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon s1 – 0

And then I got one report from my fab friend Jenn Wallace, on X-men 97 s1 – 1
The character of Morph is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, and is played by genderqueer actor J. P. Karliak.

Jenn says that everyone knows the X-Men are a queer allegory, but she feels this season was an intentional trans allegory.

Okay, so where are we at with the totals?

Just for recent movies and seasons of television I, a trans woman screenwriter, saw 26 movies and 43 seasons of tv in 2024. And in our totals, we have:

23 trans or nonbinary actors
25 trans or nonbinary characters
30 jokes about trans people

And I counted four instances of bad representation, and ten good. (Keep in mind the joke total would have been much higher if I’d counted every instance of jokes about Ava’s “big hands” on Hacks).

When we add in the reports Duna and Jenn sent me, the new totals for 26 movies and 58 seasons of tv in 2024, we have

29 trans or nonbinary actors
29 trans or nonbinary characters
31 jokes about trans people

This shows representation as still not equal to the jokes made about us, even if most of those jokes were implicit. That’s terrible!

And the news is even worse, because in 2023, these were the numbers across 31 movies and 44 seasons of television, I found:

31 trans or nonbinary actors
20 trans or nonbinary characters
16 jokes about trans people

In 2022, the first year I did a trans rep report, across 22 movies and 62 seasons of television, I found:

22 trans people
15 jokes about trans people

And so what you see looking at these numbers is that actual trans people showing up, and actual trans characters in our media, hasn’t really changed, but the amount of jokes at our expense (even if implicit) has dramatically risen.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but given the propaganda war the Republicans have waged against us, and the Democratic party, as a whole, barely standing up for us if they even do at all… this is what you get.

It feels like gender norms are going back to being more rigid, “deviation” from those arbitrary, restrictive, and reductive norms is being further ridiculed and punished.

And while the trans rep numbers in what I’ve personally seen have remained somewhat steady, with the loss of Quantum Leap and Kaos (and rarities like I Saw the TV Glow and People’s Joker not happening that often), and the way trans and queer projects are routinely canceled, I fear next year’s numbers will be grim indeed. Also keep in mind that while the rep numbers were about the same, not all of that rep was good and some did active harm to us, on screen and off.

And then remember that Heartstopper alone makes up almost a quarter of all trans rep I saw last year.

Cis writers, producers, executives, publishers, and editors: YOU can help fix this. Art can change hearts and minds, and we NEED better and more trans rep across the board.

Hire us and help make it happen. We can fix this together.

I’m tech avail!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


ADDENDUM 2/8/25

A reader let me know that Eva Everett Irving, in Orphan Black: Echoes, is a trans woman. The character is never mentioned as trans, and I missed her when looking up cast from so many shows.

I will add that there’s no reason her character couldn’t have been trans, tho, so why not just say in the show that she is and give us more of the representation we need? Otherwise even trans people watching, even trans women screenwriters specifically looking for trans representation, might miss it. And if we don’t know the representation is actually there, how can we feel represented?

TRANS REPRESENTATION IN 2024 MEDIA part 2: TV part 1

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Here we go with TILLY’S 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA, part 2: TV part 1! We dive into every complete season of tv I saw last year, and take a look at the trans representation therein! There shall be spoilers!

If you missed 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA part 1: MOVIES, you should check that out first!

The Acolyte s1 – 1*
Trans woman and big YouTuber Abigail Thorn is in episode 3 as part of the force witch coven of all women, which is great, though she only has a few lines and is not mentioned as trans. She’s also in episode 7, has one line, again no mention of being trans. If you’re not already familiar with her, no way you’d know that the force witch coven included trans women too.

Agatha All Along – 0
In episode 2 when Agatha is recruiting lady witches to her coven, her pitch to one of them, again, a woman, is “I need a potions guy.” This isn’t a joke and it’s not an intentional misgendering, but it does show you again how the use of that very gendered word to apply to people of all genders has permeated culture. And to me it’s just gonna stick out every time. 

It happens again later when the ladies find out Agatha’s ex, a woman, is death incarnate. And she says, “I like the bad boys.”

The show is overall very queer and has the MCU’s first lesbian kiss and first gay man kiss, and in the finale there’s a trans pride flag that says “trans lives matter” in Billy’s room (he’s not trans but he did appear in drag as Maleficent in one episode, and looked fabulous).

This was actually the doing of actor Joe Locke, who had the flag added to the set for his character’s bedroom. It’s such a small thing, but to see it there in something from the MCU is way more huge than it should be. We need cis accomplices to do a whole lot more of this, including taking it further and helping trans actors get added to the cast and trans writers to the writing staff. But this was a lovely gesture and it meant a lot to a bunch of people.

Here’s an article about it.

Joe Locke as Billy in “Agatha All Along” in his character’s bedroom, which has a trans pride flag on one wall that reads “trans lives matter.”

Bad Batch s3 – 0

The Bear s3 – 0
In two episodes, Jimmy the mob guy says “fuck my tits,” as an exclamation when he’s pissed off. Because it’s again funny for men to have breasts? Sigh. It’s the same joke but it’s used twice, so I’m counting it as two. Really hoping this doesn’t become his recurring catchphrase.

Delicious in Dungeon promo poster, showing art in the style of the animated show of all the characters sitting around a huge bowl of food in a dungeon.

Delicious in Dungeon s1 – 0
In one episode Marcille wants to clean herself and as the only girl in their adventuring party, she says she should have cast an illusion spell first… so she imagines her head on a big, hairy, muscular man’s body. It’s played for laughs, and it’s definitely laughing at the concept of someone you thought was a woman actually having the body of a man. Stealth implicit transphobia joke.

In another episode there are “dryad flowers” that look like naked women, and they’re described as “male and female.” But they’re monsters who try to kill our heroes, so the dryad flowers are killed and the characters then eat their fruit (which look like pumpkins with human faces).

Listen it’s a weird show, but this was the closest it got to having trans characters and they were monsters to be murdered, and that ain’t great. They’re also introduced in an incredibly sexual manner, when NOTHING else in the show is, as trickster temptresses. Hitting some bad bad trans women tropes there.

In another episode they discover a mushroom that changes humans into other races like elves or dwarves, and gargoyles into statues, etc. They surmise that it does this to transform someone into something its own people will fear so that they will be abandoned and die… which alllllso seems to imply some bad things about trans people, even if accidentally.

At least the dryads aren’t a joke, but they hit bad bad trans tropes and I’m counting them as bad representation. I really love this show, but it’s got some hidden regressive ideas on gender baked in there.

Echo – 0

Fallout s1 – 1
The character of Dane is nonbinary, and they/them pronouns are used. It’s a small role only in a few episodes, but they’re played by Xelia Mendes-Jones, who is trans and uses he/they pronouns. Right on.

Hacks s1 – 0
There’s a recurring joke throughout the entire show about Ava’s “big hands,” which very much feels like laughing at the idea of a woman having something generally associated with men. A lot of trans women who transition as adults have big hands. Like me. And let me tell you every time there’s a joke about Ava’s hands, I winced. This happens A LOT, but I didn’t think to count them so I can only count it as one joke.

Hacks s2 – 0
In the second episode of the season, Ava is reading an email she wrote with something to the effect of, “hey y’all (I’m trying not to use gendered terms, even though “hey guys” seems neutral to me)”. YES this is a good joke, and not at our expense (it’s at hers, for not getting it), and ALSO pokes fun at the usage of male terms treated as “neutral” by our heavily patriarchal, misogynist society. FABULOUS.

In the season finale, two jokes are made where the punch line seems to be “women with penises, isn’t that funny?” This came up a lot in last year’s trans rep in media report, and here it is again. It’s one of the most common stealth implicit transphobic jokes, laughing at the very idea of the reality a lot of trans women live with. And it’s the other side of the “men with boobs, so funny!” joke we’re already seen pop up a few times this year.

But y’know what? Our existence and our bodies aren’t jokes. This shit’s gotta stop.

Hacks s3 – 0
In episode 3 Ava finds out DJ, a friend, is pregnant, and says, “I’m going to be an uncle.” I guess because she’s… bi, she can’t call herself an aunt? I dunno. It’s self-misgendering as a joke. Stop it. 

In another episode some old guys complain about how there’s “15 genders” and how “my daughters boyfriend looks like my ex wife” and such. They’re clearly presented as being in the wrong, just so Deborah can call them on being out of touch. But this is the same show that’s made “women with penises are hilarious” jokes, so it rings a bit hollow. In any case, it’s more jokes about us in a show that features none of us, which isn’t great. I’m going to count them all as just one joke in the tally though.

In the second to last episode of the season, which is all about Deborah confronting terrible bigoted jokes she’d made in her past, she keeps saying about the people who got upset that, “they’re minorities.” Ava says “You really shouldn’t call them that,” and Deborah says “I thought everyone was ‘they’ now!” Which is just another pronoun joke. C’mon.

In the season finale Jimmy is pleading with Kayla to stay and be his partner (in business, not romance), and he kneels down because a flight attendant told him he couldn’t stand in the plane aisle, and then another passenger thinks he’s proposing and apologizes for thinking he was a man because he said “partner” and not “wife.” And if you think about it for half a second, that’s just another misgendering joke? That didn’t need to be there? Like… why?

This is one of those situations where I LOVE the show, for so many reasons, but damn they need some trans people on staff, because it really shows that they don’t.

Hazbin Hotel s1 – 0
The show is about demons in hell and none of them really have human form so it’s impossible to say if any of them were intended to be trans, but none of them were mentioned as trans and as far as I could tell there are no trans cast members.

Kit Conner and Joe Locke as Nick and Charlie in the Heartstopper season 3 promo poster

Heartstopper s3 – 5
Still our stalwart of trans rep, and still excellently done across the board.

Elle, a trans girl, played by trans woman Yasmin Finney, is still a main character. In season two the show introduced a trans school principal, and a trans girl and nonbinary kid as classmates, and they all reappear. They’re small parts, but show up in multiple episodes.

Isaac continues exploring his asexuality and discovers he is also aromantic. As I mentioned last year, this is not trans rep but it’s so rare to see that I wanted to mention it again.

In this season the character of Darcy comes out as nonbinary and decides to use they/them pronouns. Darcy is played by Kizzy Edgell, who is transmasc and uses he/him and they/them pronouns. And I thought the egg cracking, realization, and coming out were all very well done.

In the Christmas/New Years Eve episode, Darcy talks to Elle’s nonbinary friend about exploring gender and having fun with it, which was cool. In the same episode, Elle wants to have sex with her boyfriend Tao, but when he touches her it makes her feel dysphoric. And then she describes dissociating! If you need more on that, see the Trans Tuesdays on THE TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW.

Elle then talks to her trans lady friend about those feelings and not knowing what to do about it. And during her talk with Tao about it, they both use the word “trans” openly and like it’s not a big deal. I wish that didn’t feel revolutionary, but it sure as hell does.

This is it, this is all we’re asking for. Treat us like human beings, just like all the cis characters. Damn, that episode felt like a miracle. 

In another episode, Elle goes on a radio show that ostensibly wants to talk about her art, but immediately switches to asking about the “trans debate” and “feminists” who say trans women don’t belong in women’s spaces.

And that was wild, because pretty often when I was doing interviews to promote my book on the trans allegories of the Matrix, it would turn into a trans 101 discussion and I’d be peppered with questions about trans existence.

I was happy to answer those and discuss and get that kind of basic information out there, but like… that’s a separate thing from very specifically talking about my writing and a book that was released. And I get it, that book is about the trans experience as seen through the lens of the Matrix films, but still. It’s a thing that happens, and rang very true.

Anyway I would die for Nick and Charlie, they are my sweet perfect gay babies, and Elle is so dear to me. Heartstopper continues to be the GOAT of trans rep in modern tv right now. Which means whenever it ends, the already paltry trans rep on tv numbers are gonna plummet if we don’t get a lot more soon.

Interior Chinatown – 0
One of the most imaginative and original shows ever, and it’s super super great.

Interview with the Vampire s1 – 0

Interview with the Vampire s2 – 0

Kaos promotional poster, showing the cast as the Greek gods they portray, done as art painted on an ornate ceiling.

Kaos s1 – 5
Ohhh Kaos, how did I love thee. A brilliant show about the Greek gods as set in the… 80s? 90s? Somewhere in there. Created by Charlie Covell, who is nonbinary! This is the only show I’m aware of, that I watched in all of 2024, with a trans or nonbinary creator and showrunner. And do you know what happens when we run our own shows?

THE TRANS REP IS FUCKING AMAZING.

One of the main characters is Caeneus, a trans man played by trans man Misia Butler. In episode 6 we get to see Caeneus’ top surgery scars. 

We see a flashback about how he had to leave the Amazons (the all-women warriors from Greek mythology) because he was a boy…which it turns out is also why the Amazons killed him, because he went back to them, which isn’t allowed. They didn’t kill him because he’s trans, but because he wasn’t a woman. Which is weirdly affirming?? (I should add his story takes place in the underworld, after his death, because this is Greek mythology and so his death was not actually the end of his story and it doesn’t carry the same issues as trans characters always getting killed off).

In the flashback his mom tells him she knows “The form doesn’t fit the content” and she loves him. He’s also a romantic lead, and never doubts who he is OR has to figure it out and come out. He’s just a cool, good trans guy who gets to be a bit of a hero. It’s amazing.

Suzy Eddie Izzard, who is trans, is also in the show as one of the fates, Ché (who is nonbinary) is another one of the fates, and Sam Buttery, who is trans, plays the last fate. And what a wild thing to see that the fates, the three beings in Greek mythology with power over everyone and everything, even the other gods, be played by trans and nonbinary people. What a powerful statement, because who has more control over our lives than trans people do? Extraordinary. Unheard of. 

Sadly, the show was canceled not long after it debuted, so this one season is all we’re going to get. Which is sad because I think it was a great show, but also because it had FABULOUS trans rep that we’ve now already lost.

Lessons in Chemistry – 0

Maya Rudolph in a pink dress under an umbrella as it rains hundred thousand dollar bills with her face on them, in the Loot season 2 promotional poster

Loot s2 – 1
MJ Rodriguez, a trans woman, returns as a main cast member, but is again never mentioned as trans. And in this season, it feels like they went out of their way, multiple times, to not mention she’s trans.

In episode 3 she’s explaining the societal pressures she’s under, and says “I’m a 36 year-old Afro-Latina woman” and… why do you not say trans in there, when she’s literally describing everything about herself, and how her societal marginalizations impact her life? It was glaring to leave her transness out of it. 

Is the show trying to hide it? Is the character she’s playing cis? It feels like that’s the conclusion I have to come to because to leave transness OUT of a list of “parts of your identity that society puts extra pressure on you for” is pretty huge. 

In another episode they make a point of showing an all-gender bathroom, but the sign on the door has a man, woman, and half man/half woman silhouettes which always makes me feel weird, and then in the same episode they’re planning a trip to Dubai, and MJ’s character is excited. Buuuut Dubai is in the United Arab Emirates… where being trans is literally criminalized. So her character has to be cis… right?

But then in another episode MJ’s character is talking to someone about going to camp as kids, and they talk around ever saying she was a little girl or with the other girls, or if she’d maybe been put with the boys because it was pre-transition. But if the character is cis, why not just say she was with the little girls at camp? I mean her character can be trans and still have been with the little girls at camp if you just make her story that she transitioned as a child.

So now it feels very much like they’re just talking around it all, and I cannot figure it out. I’m counting the actor rep, but not the character. 

And I shall remain stymied as to what they’re actually doing with her character and why they seem to be working so hard to hide MJ’s transness.

I also want to mention that in episode 2 there is another trans woman as a background actor in a scene in a bar, but I only know this because I know her personally and recognized her! Welcome to working in Hollywood and living in LA. Hi Cameron! Anyway she doesn’t have any lines or anything, so I can’t really count this as trans rep in the show. But I know she’s there!

A Man on the Inside – 0
Some teens repeatedly call their mom “bro” and Ted Danson calls his daughter and her three sons “guys”. The first is played for laughs, the latter isn’t. But again this is how our society works, right? 

Mr and Mrs Smith s1 – 0

Frankie and Phoenix from Monster High, holding microphones

Monster High s2 – 2
Monster High continued to have nonbinary character Frankie as one of the three leads, still played by nonbinary actor Iris Menas.

Annnnnd then of course my wife/writing partner Susan and I wrote six episodes for this season, four of which were the Halloween special, Monster Fest! Have I mentioned before that we wrote for Monster High?! Well, we totally did!

And I mention our Monster Fest special, because we got to introduce a new trans woman character to the show, Phoenix! I know I’ve talked before in these about how phoenixes are very trans, conceptually (one form of you dying in the ashes so a new you can be reborn), so it was the perfect “monster type” for the character to be. And she was played by trans woman Dominique Jackson. And the entire Monster Fest storyline is about being true to yourself, and being who you truly are and not who anyone else says you have to be. It’s very trans.

John Waters also did a voice for it! Check it out whydontcha?!

Annnnd we’re gonna wrap it there this week. Come back next week for the rest of our discussion on trans rep in tv, as well as how things look overall and where we’re at compared to the past two years!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Part 3 (TV part 2, and overall totals) is here!

Addendum 2/3/25
A reader let me know that Carl Clemons-Hopkins on Hacks is nonbinary! Hooray. Their character is seemingly a cis man, however.

TRANS REPRESENTATION IN 2024 MEDIA part 1: MOVIES

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Over the course of 2024 I tracked every movie and tv show I watched as it’s time for TILLY’S 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA, part 1: MOVIES! Let’s talk the good, the bad, and the oh god not again!

Okay, this is going to be a three-part report, because there’s so much to talk about. In order to see how things are progressing with time, at the end of part 3 I’ll compare to my 2022 TRANS REP IN MEDIA and 2023 TRANS REP IN MEDIA reports, so you may want to familiarize yourself with those first.

Especially as this isn’t necessarily movies and television released in 2024 (though most of it was), but all the movies and tv from the last few years that I watched this year. Too much is released for me to see all of it right as it premieres, and the goal is to give you an idea of what one trans woman screenwriter (who watches A LOT) sees in terms of representation in a given year.

Also please realize this means I TAKE NOTES on EVERY movie and tv show I watch, all year. And I’ve done this every year for three years running. It’s a huge undertaking, but I think it’s an important one. Trans rep in our media has been getting better but is still in a dire state, and we need to know where it’s at if we want to see where and how to make it better.

I’m going to be reporting on every time I saw a trans/nonbinary person appear (both in terms of characters and actors, because the two don’t always match up), as well as any time there were jokes about us, or other things about us or related to us that appeared.

I want to note a lot of the jokes are implicit. Our society worms implicit transphobia into all of us, see the Trans Tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more on how that works. So very often these jokes are implicitly transphobic, meaning that the people working on those shows may not have intended to target trans people, but when you examine the joke it all comes down to “trans people are different and isn’t that hilarious.”

That doesn’t mean the people working on that show are bad people, or bad at their jobs, or that the shows are bad (some shows with implicitly transphobic jokes are shows I LOVE). It just means the people working on it have some implicit biases they may not even be aware of and thus haven’t worked to change.

NONE of this report is intended as commentary on the quality of the movie or show mentioned. Art is all subjective, you (and even I) will have loved or disliked some of these, regardless of their trans representation. That’s FINE AND HOW IT WORKS.

This is just a report on how trans people are appearing and being talked about in the two most popular mass media formats of our society. Okay? We good? Good.

In this age of rampant transphobia, trans rep in our media is more important than ever. The good legit helps fight back against the hate we’re experiencing, the bad… sadly feeds right into it. So it’s really, really vital that our art gets trans issues right.

If you want to see what happens when it goes wrong, you can see the Trans Tuesdays on BAD REPRESENTATION (Lovecraft Country) and BAD REPRESENTATION (Emilia Pérez).

Also this year I had a few folks helping out to submit their own reports on things, which I’ll get into way at the end after discussing everything I personally watched.

Also also I might miss things! I do my best but I don’t have time to look up every cast and crew member of the mountains of stuff I watch. If them being trans or nonbinary isn’t called out in the story, I might miss it. But that’s part of the point I’m making, because if a trans woman screenwriter looking for that rep misses it, what kind of rep are you actually giving us? Is it even really representation if nobody knows it’s there? I’d argue no.

I’m also going to call out every time words that explicitly describe words for me men… “guys,” and “dude” being the two biggest offenders… as applying to people of all genders. It’s not transphobic, but it sure is sexist and it happens so much more that you probably realize.

Okay so let’s get into it! And of course, there will be spoilers. It’s the only way to talk about some of this stuff.

I only really talk about scripted media in these, because “unscripted” movies and tv shows are entirely different things (unscripted is in quotes because even documentaries and, yes, “reality” tv have writers).

But I want to give an honorable mention to the documentary WILL & HARPER on Netflix, where cishet white man comedian Will Ferrell goes on a road trip across the US with his white trans woman friend Harper Steele. 

Will & Harper promotional poster showing the two of them driving in a car, under positive quotes about the movie and awards it has won at film festivals.

It’s by turns hilarious and heartfelt, horrible and heart wrenching. It’s something vitally needed to wake a lot of cis people up, even (or especially) those who want to call themselves allies, to what trans folks go through in this country. Highest possible recommendation.

But as this is a documentary, it won’t be counted toward the totals at the end as I’m chiefly examining our depiction in fiction.

I will also note when there are no trans people (or there’s no discussion of us or topics related to us), as that is so often the norm. And that’s fine, not everything is or should be about us. But it’s important to note just how rare it is that we do pop up.

Okay, onward we go. 

Aquaman 2 – 0

Blue Beetle – 0

Canary Black – 0

This movie regularly uses gendered insults on its lady lead, including the C word, and calling her a bitch waaaay too many times.

At one point it has her say something to the effect of “you’re not supposed to call women that anymore, especially in the workplace”… and then just keeps calling her that for the rest of the movie. It’s like they wanted to note it just so they could go hee hee hee we’re not supposed to do this, but we’re gonna and since we know it’s bad it’s okay.

That’s not transphobic, but it is sexist as hell. It was written and directed by cis men and I’m already very tired. When will women get to make these movies more than hardly ever? 

Damsel – 0

Emilia Pérez – 1

Emilia Pérez suuuure is a movie about a Mexican trans woman written and directed by a cis white French man. This one counts as rep (in both character and the actor that portrays her), but not all rep is good rep and this one sure isn’t. See the Trans Tuesday on BAD REPRESENTATION (Emilia Pérez) for all the info on the damage this movie did.

But can we just stop doing this PLEASE? Will you just let trans people make movies about trans people? We actually DO know ourselves better than cis white men do.

I’m also kinda mad because it’s gonna win awards because it’s ~important~ and ~so brave~ and it’s gonna actually make things worse for trans women. JUST HELP US TELL OUR STORIES. 

Goodness.

The Fall Guy – 0

Fly Me to the Moon – 0

In a phone call between two men, one of whom works at NASA and is complaining about having to do things like interviews and allow astronauts to appear in advertisements, he’s told by a government official, “She made you the belle of the ball, so put on a tutu and do a little dance.” It’s a joke, and it’s meant to take him down a peg… because a perceived man associated with femininity is always bad, right? Ugh.

Furiosa – 0

One cis man uses the phrase “that’ll put our tits in the wringer,” which I guess is a joke because cis men generally do not have tits. This is one of those implicit jokes I mentioned, “ha ha wouldn’t it be funny for men to have boobs” and like, hey, some trans men do and this is laughing at their existence. Stop that.

For a while Furiosa impersonates a boy to hide her identity, but there’s no gender stuff going on and it’s definitely not played for laughs, so that was a nothingburger.

Ghostbusters Afterlife – 0

At one point someone says “Gozer isn’t a he or a she,” which means Gozer the Gozerian is nonbinary. Gozer was played by three people… all cis women! Gozer’s movements were dancer Emma Portner, their face was Olivia Wilde, and their voice was (the stone cold amazing) Shohreh Aghdashloo.

Now listen, there’s a debate to be had about whether the only nonbinary character in the entire movie being a demonic spirit that wants to destroy the world is a good thing (it isn’t), but if you’re going to make the character nonbinary why did you hire three CIS WOMEN to play them?!

There are nonbinary actors that would’ve killed for that role! This robs them of a part in a big movie, AND perpetuates the harmful idea that nonbinary people are just “women light”.

Someone also says that Gozer being nonbinary is “pretty woke for 3000 BC”. So that’s a joke about Gozer being nonbinary, meanwhile apparently zero nonbinary or trans people were involved with it. This is technically character rep, zero actor rep, and one joke. 

Ghostbusters Frozen Empire – 0

Godzilla Minus One – 0

I Saw the TV Glow promo poster, showing Owen from behind, sitting in front of a TV with a screen that’s glowing pink.

I Saw the TV Glow – 2*

Bridgette Lundy Paine is trans and plays a trans character, and it was written and directed by Jane Schoenbrun, who is trans. It’s chiefly about Owen, who is trans. But is played by cis man Justice Smith. You can see my seven-part series of Trans Tuesdays all about THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW. It’s magnificent and sacred to me, and some of the good representation we really need. 

Inside Out 2 – 0

At one point, Riley calls her two best friends, who are girls, “guys.” 

Jackpot – 1

Trans man Murray Hill (who comes up later in our talk on TV) has a small role. He’s only in two scenes, has only a handful of lines, and is never mentioned as trans. But honestly that’s probably for the best because his character runs a lottery where it’s legal for anyone to murder the winner within 24 hours of them winning to get their money. And it’d be real weird and say some bad stuff to lay the blame for that at the feet of trans people.

At one point, the lead cis woman character calls a room full of women doing yoga “guys.” It’s so pervasive.

Harry Potter gets referenced twice in the same discussion (ugh). Also there’s this really complicated moment that seems transphobic but I think it might not be?

So the lead cis woman character, who’s won the aforementioned lottery, gets a disguise to hide from all the people trying to kill her for her winnings. And she puts on a mask of an old man. And then says something to the effect of “let’s go pee standing up and make more money than our female counterparts.” 

On the one hand, a woman making a joke about peeing standing up feels like the “women with penises are hilarious” implicit transphobic joke that you’re gonna see pop up way too often in this report, but as it’s immediately followed up with a joke about how women are underpaid due to sexism… I don’t know. I really can’t parse this one, so I’m not gonna count it as a joke at our expense. But it was weird.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes – 0

Lisa Frankenstein promo poster, showing Lisa in an 80s getup, sitting with her Frankenstein monster, on top of a tanning bed.

Lisa Frankenstein – 0

At a couple points the Frankenstein monster, who is a man, wears women’s nightgowns and you’re not gonna believe this… it’s NOT played for laughs. There’s a lot going on here that makes it a pretty fabulous trans allegory. I’ll be doing a deep dive on it before too long, I think, especially as it’s one of the few trans masc allegories I’ve seen. But I’m not sure yet if it was intentional, and I don’t think there were any out trans people working on it or making it, so it doesn’t count in any categories.

Love Lies Bleeding – 0

The Marvels – 0

Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning part 1 – 0

Monkey Man promo poster, showing a vertical red stripe surrounded by black. In the middle of the red stripe is Dev Patel, in a suit, holding a knife.
Version 1.0.0

Monkey Man – 1*

This entire movie is a trans allegory, and will also probably be getting a deep dive at some point. The character Alpha is important and a Hijra. That’s the term the movie uses, and I understand there’s some who believe the term to be derogatory and others who are reclaiming it. Even though some of them identify as trans women and some might not, I’m going to stick to calling them trans women when talking about this film so as to avoid offending someone with a term I do not have the full cultural context to be using.

But Alpha is played by cis man Vipin Sharma. Sharma said, after meeting the director, that “he saw me as somebody just completely the opposite of me. I am a male; he saw me as a female character, which was quite amazing actually, that he saw something about me that he thought I will be good to play this role.” 

And yeah, that’s amazing for you man, but what about all the actual trans women who should have been playing that role? And even here, in a movie with great representation and a really strong trans allegory, it perpetuates the idea that trans women are really just men. C’mon! Argh.

The movie does feature a squad of trans women beating the crap out of a room full of bigoted goons, which is a big point in its favor.

I should also mention the movie actually wasn’t released in India, even though it has an all-Indian cast and is set there. Thanks to Pragnya for that info, and the cultural context around the term the movie uses.

Next Goal Wins promo poster looking up, as if from the ground, toward the cast which are in a circle around the poster, as if in a huddle, looking down. Jaiyah holds a soccer ball.

Next Goal Wins – 1

Jaiyah is fa’afafine (something akin to trans women, in Samoa), played by Kaimana, who’s a trans woman. She’s forced to play on the men’s soccer team because she hasn’t had bottom surgery. She’s intentionally misgendered and deadnamed by their new cis white man coach until he learns to respect her and comes to see her as kinda like a daughter. 

At first he says to her “you’re a woman,” when he’s surprised she’s on the men’s team. And she says “not yet” because she hasn’t had gender confirmation surgery yet (oof, talk about perpetuating more TRANSMEDICALISM). As this was based on a real story it could have gone into how horrible it was that that was probably required at the time and thus the way of thinking that was beat into every trans woman by society, but it doesn’t (probably because this story wasn’t told by trans people).

At one point she goes off her hormones because she thinks it will help the team, and has a scene where she breaks down because without them she doesn’t feel like herself anymore. And that’s great, but… they don’t do anything with it beyond that. And it’s also kind of used to teach the cishet white man about humanity and caring and opening his heart back up, rather than being about how it affects Jaiyah who never mentions it again. 

It’s based on a real trans woman and her story, but written and directed by cis men.

This is rep in character, actor, and story, but it’s mixed representation at best. 

Orion and the Dark – 0

The People’s Joker promo poster, featuring the cast on a kind of comic book cover-style layout.

The People’s Joker – 2*

Written and directed by trans woman Vera Drew, and also stars Kane Distler, who is also trans, and both play trans characters! There’s also a nonbinary character in the movie, and I believe there are other trans and nonbinary actors in the cast. But as this was an indie movie it was tough to find information on some of them, and I don’t want to speculate on people’s gender, so I’m gonna count the rep as two actors and characters.

The entire story is about being trans as told through a parody lens of the Batman mythos (with a helping of Superman mythos tossed in). It’s bananas, it’s kinda subversive, it’s funny, it’s wildly creative and original. And at several points kicked me right in the heart when talking about things trans people go through. 

It tells its trans story right on the surface, but also I think it kind of brilliantly uses the world of stand up comedy as an only half-hidden allegory for gender, and uses that to say even more about what it’s like to be trans in this world.

Also, I’m not really a fan of the Joker as a character, but this movie had me all the way through. The People’s Joker is the only Joker for me, thank you.

It’s really great and unforgettable.

Red One – 0

There’s a “christmas witch” who possesses a man to speak through him, and she and her sons are all shapeshifters, and one of them impersonates two different women. Nothing trans is done with it, BUT zero jokes are made about it either, which feels like dodging a bullet. I’ll take it.

Robot Dreams – 0

The Substance – 0

Soooo I think you can definitely read some trans themes into this but I’m not even gonna try right now, because it would take me an awful long time to figure out and I’d have to watch it multiple more times and I don’t think I could handle that. Phew.

Transformers One – 0

So this is wild but the whole movie is about autonomy and people who have choice removed from them at birth without consent, and so it’s super trans conceptually. And I’ve always felt that Transformers: The Movie, the only other animated Transformers movie, from 1984, was also a huge trans allegory. And I guess maybe that just happens when TRANSFORM is literally in the title. But this one seemed even MORE intentionally trans to me. Still no actual rep that I’m aware of, though.

That wraps up the recently releases movies I saw in 2024. Come back next week as we begin our deep-dive into trans rep in tv!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Part 2 (TV part 1) is here!

ADDENDUM 1/24/25

A reader let me know that Celeste O’Connor, who appears in Ghostbusters Frozen Empire and Ghostbusters Afterlife is nonbinary! Yay! The character is never mentioned as such however, so this is trans actor rep but not character rep.

And once again proves my point that if you don’t somehow convey a character’s transness or nonbinaryness, there’s no way for your audience to know. And then even a trans woman screenwriter who’s specifically looking for this rep can miss it.

BAD REPRESENTATION: EMILIA PÉREZ

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! We’re starting off the year by discussing one of the more harmful bits of depictions of trans women to come out in recent years. Here comes BAD REPRESENTATION: EMILIA PÉREZ.

Emilia Pérez was a movie released in 2024, about a Mexican trans woman, written and directed by a French cis white man, Jacques Audiard, based on a book written by Boris Razon (also a cis man from France). If any of that gives you pause right up front… well, it should.

I’d heard the movie was about a trans woman, so I was intrigued and added it to my list to check out. And then I heard it was about a trans woman who’s a cartel drug lord, and my heart kinda sank because already I felt like I knew where it was headed.

But I went into it with an open mind. I’m a screenwriter, I’ve trained myself to approach all art on its own terms, and give it all a chance. But I’m also a trans woman, and I know how cis people writing about trans people often goes. See BAD REPRESENTATION (Lovecraft Country).

As I was watching it, I just felt my heart sink with every passing minute. I think we weren’t even twenty minutes in when the first “what the fuck?” (not complimentary) escaped my lips. I thought I was just gonna watch it and note a few things afterward, like I always do for my “trans rep in media” reports, but I ended up taking multiple notes in spite of myself.  Because so much of what I saw was so damaging and dangerous, and I’m so, so tired of it.

And then I thought I’d just talk about it in my TRANS REPRESENTATION IN 2024 MOVIES AND TV write up, but the more I thought about it the more I felt like I needed to talk about this movie on its own first.

Because it won multiple awards at the Cannes Film Festival, and as of this writing it’s shortlisted for a nomination for multiple Oscars (including possibly being France’s official entry as a country). And, again, if a movie about a Mexican trans woman being submitted by the country of France isn’t sending up some alarm bells…

Very briefly, it’s the story of a trans woman cartel leader who hires a lawyer to help her transition, and what happens after that. It’s also… a musical. And it’s a very weird musical. But let me make something clear here: that it’s a weird musical is a point in its favor with me! You can read more about it here.

Karla Sofía Gascón as Emilia Pérez

I love weird stuff that takes bold swings. And I was actually really impressed with Karla Sofía Gascón, the trans woman lead actress who plays Emilia. She was really great with what she was given to work with. The problem is that what she was given to work with is suuuuuper problematic.

And to be fair, I’ve heard that the movie fixed some problems with the book it’s based on, namely that in the book the cartel leader goes on HRT and has gender confirmation surgeries simply to avoid being caught for their crimes. Given that, I’m willing to take folks’ word on it because I’m not gonna read that.

Because that means the lead isn’t actually trans, and it conceptually perpetuates the “trans women are really just violent men in dresses” trope that transphobes use time and again to legislate our rights away.

Imagine being a cis man and thinking that was a good book to write. Imagine being another cis man who thought that was a great concept to turn into a musical. Woof.

To the movie’s credit, they present Emilia as a trans woman who “always knew” she was a girl since childhood and is actually trans. And in movies like this, so so so often, cis men are cast to play trans women and thus even further perpetuate that we’re nothing more than “men in dresses.” See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS ROLES AND STORIES for more on how and why that’s a horrible thing to do.

Not all movies about trans people made by cis people come out bad. I talked in the TRANS REP IN 2023 MOVIES AND TV report about Monica, which is a very good movie starring Trace Lysette. The writer and director of Monica at least brought Trace on board to consult (though he really should have made her co-writer and co-director at MINIMUM), but her involvement behind the scenes showed.

I can find nothing that says Karla Sofía Gascón was allowed to help shape Emilia Pérez in any way, and let me tell you… it also shows. And I cannot imagine telling a story about someone from a marginalized community and thinking you don’t at all need their input on how to do that or if you’re getting it right, never mind that a transition story is one hundred percent not a cis man’s story to tell. Trans voices and stories are routinely stolen from us by cis people to suit their own ends (it’s part of what Matrix Resurrections is about, see my book for more on that).

Let me also state here that none of the harmful representation in this movie is Karla’s fault. There are so, so few roles for trans women, much less starring roles. And who had the absolute least power on that set? As a trans woman, she did. None of the problems are on her.

I’d like to think she’d have seen how problematic it was and turned it down, but maybe she wasn’t in a position to do so, especially with a high profile Oscar-bait film that could possibly make her career.

It’s the same thing that happens in tv shows made in the US. On the rare occasion a trans writer is on the writing staff, they’re the least empowered and it’s not safe for them to speak up about harmful representation without fear of reprisal. Cis people don’t often like hearing that what they’re doing isn’t “being such a good ally, gosh” and is instead actively harming the people they think they’re helping.

So does that trans writer speak up, and risk being fired and thus not be there to possibly effect positive change later? It’s a terrible situation to be in (writers from all marginalized communities face this to some degree in Hollywood, which is still overwhelmingly run by cishet white men).

A graph from the UCLA Entertainment and Research Initiative Diversity in Streaming Media 2023 report showing the creators of streaming shows, exponentially overwhelmingly so, are cis white men

So what, exactly, did I find so harmful in Emilia Pérez? So glad you asked, because gosh do I have answers for you.

First, and this might just be a me thing, but Emilia almost feels like a secondary character in her own story. The movie’s named after her, and it’s ostensibly about her transition, but we don’t really see any of her transition or anything it involves, mentally or physically (there’s a little, which we’ll get to shortly). As a writer, to me, this movie felt like it was just as much but maybe more so about Zoe Saldana’s lawyer character, Rita, who is hired to help Emilia transition and then befriends her.

Zoe Saldana as Rita

And it’s wild to me that in a movie that is, again, supposed to be about a trans woman and her transition, her transition takes a back seat, and she has to play second fiddle (or at best, co-first fiddle) with a cis woman who is just so brave and such a good ally for helping this trans woman drug lord. It feels like a very cisgender-centered point of view, right? That’s often what you’re gonna get when you have a cis person trying to tell a trans story that they have no business telling (and this is one of the reasons why).

But again, to be fair, those are my personal impressions. I think they should definitely count for something as a trans woman screenwriter, as this is my exact wheelhouse, but let’s set that aside. Let’s do what I do when I watch any new movie or tv show: take it on its own terms.

There’s an early scene where Emilia, pre-social transition, meets with Rita, Zoe Saldana’s lawyer character, and says she wants to hire her to help her transition to a woman. Rita says it’s not an overnight thing and takes time (good!) and then… pre-transition, man-presenting Emilia opens her shirt to reveal she’s been on HRT for two years and has already developed breasts. Rita gasps.

I’ve seen some folks say this was a gasp of disgust. I’ve seen some people say this was a gasp of surprise. What I want you to know is that either way this is showing transition as a surprise and something to be shocked by. It’s showing you trans people are duplicitous. See what she was hiding from you? Also this trans woman is a violent drug lord, can you even trust her?

And like… yes, you can say maybe NOBODY would trust a violent drug lord. That’s not transphobic!

I will remind you of what I say in basically every trans allegory write up that I do: everything you see in a movie or tv show is a choice made by the creators. It’s not made in a vacuum, it’s not beyond questioning.

The writer and director of this film chose to tell a story about a trans woman who was a violent drug lord. She could have been literally anything else. This is what he picked.

Trans people can be villains, by the way! We should be, because we can be any kind of character. I’d argue that until cis people demonstrate they can write us as villains without damaging all trans people, however, that maybe only trans people should be writing trans villains.

Because even though Emilia Pérez doesn’t have Emilia transition to escape justice for her crimes, her transition is inextricably linked to it and they thought, in the present horrific climate trans people are experiencing in this world, that presenting us as a violent criminal was a good idea. I can’t imagine the thought process there, other than to think not a second thought was given to it. Which is not what you’d get if a trans person was telling this story.

Early on there’s a musical number, full of trans people (story-wise, I have no idea if any of them were played by actual trans people because they were in a musical ensemble) and a doctor who performs gender confirmation surgeries, singing about how wonderful plastic surgery is and how they all love it.

To me it trivializes that these procedures are vital and life-saving. They’re not goofy or just for fun. It also treats it like something every trans person wants and does, which is huuuuugely problematic in its own right. The movie sadly does this a lot, kinda presents Emila’s transition as the only way to do it, likely because the cis man writer and director literally doesn’t know that’s not true.

As a perfect example of this, lyrics in the song go on about going “ from man to woman, woman to man.” Which ignores that nonbinary people exist, and treats trans women like we were men (and trans men like they were women) and that it is only the surgery that changes that.

This is one hundred percent TRANSMEDICALISM, see that Trans Tuesday if you need more. And here it’s being presented to a wide audience, of largely cis people (cis people are the largest audience for anything, because they outnumber trans people by such a wide margin in the population), that this is what transition is.

I actually think a goofy musical number about gender confirmation surgery could be fucking amazing in the hands of a trans person who understands it, and what trans people go through. In the hands of a cis person, it became a weapon that perpetuates some bad bad shit.

When Rita meets with the surgeon who will perform Emilia’s operations, the surgeon says he can’t change a patient’s sense of self. “If he’s a he, he’ll still be a he. If he’s a she she’ll still be a she.” This is actively transphobic, and saying even with surgery a trans woman is still a man mentally. It’s fucking appalling, when mentally we’ve always been our true gender! This is again perpetuating the horrific real-world violence we face, with transphobes thinking trans women are “really” men.

When the scene ends, the doctor says Rita should tell Emilia to “change his mind,” as in he believes she’s still a man and, as such, misgenders her. Cis bullshit.

And the doctor says he can’t “fix the soul.” Trans people’s souls don’t need fixing tho?! Rita then says that fixing the body fixes the soul, and fixing the soul fixes society. That’s some weird contorted cis justification for helping trans people because it might help society? But that’s not our job? We just want to exist as ourselves, it’s not on us to fix transphobes’ hearts.

And also, why are two cis people debating a trans woman’s transition here?! What the fuck. 

Guess we can’t allow a trans person to talk about how they actually feel and what it’s actually like for them. You’re telling me that Emilia the drug lord, with mountains of money and seemingly unlimited resources, couldn’t have used a burner phone to call the doctor Rita found and talk to him herself? Again, all of these were active choices made by the writer and director, and they’re some bullshit.

Emilia tells Rita that she has to send her wife and kids away, and they can never know about her transition. No reason is ever given!

I feel like this is a carryover from the book, right? Oh, I’m a criminal and I’m transitioning to hide, so if my family knows they can point the cops to me. But when you (rightfully) change Emilia’s motivation there, and then you have this scene with no reason given for why they have to be sent away and can’t know about her transition, what do you get?

You’re left to think Emilia’s ashamed of being trans and doesn’t want them to know, or that it’s required as part of her transition (spoilers: IT ACTUALLY USED TO BE, see that TRANSMEDICALISM Trans Tuesday). And again we find that, either way you interpret that, you’re perpetuating bad bad shit.

In the hands of a trans person, this could be a powerful scene about how society wants us to be ashamed of ourselves, about how society wants us to think no one could ever love us for who we are, and how all of that is bullshit.

Instead, we get confirmation that that’s just the way things are for trans people. It infuriates me.

Emilia has a later song about how all she cares about is transitioning. Now, like, yeah, it’s super important for us for a whole host of reasons, but not to the exclusion of everything else. We don’t stop caring about other people or loving our kids! The song paints us as selfish, self-absorbed assholes who only care about ourselves. Because if we cared about others we wouldn’t transition, right?

Transphobic bullshit.

Emilia has a scene where she instructs Rita to destroy all evidence of her transition. Again, a possible artifact of changing her motivation for transition from being nothing more than escaping justice. But what you now have is a trans person who’s going stealth and doesn’t want anyone to know they’re trans, as if trans is something bad to be. BULLSHIT.

Emilia lying in a hospital bed with her entire face (except eyes) covered in bandages

Emilia then apparently has all the surgeries (at once) and her face is entirely covered in bandages, and she uses a hand mirror to look at her crotch. Then suddenly she’s out of bandages and putting on women’s clothes and it’s all over. As if it’s that easy and not an incredibly lengthy and difficult process. As if it’s a quick switch you flip.

They show none of her adapting to it, or how it affects her, or what it means to her. The movie immediately skips ahead four years, so you miss all of that. It’s the kinda stuff that feeds into “teachers are gonna trans your kids at school, and you send your son to school and he comes home a girl” bullshit transphobes use to gin up hatred towards us.

So when I said earlier that Emilia and her transition, which again is what this movie is supposed to be about, plays second fiddle, this is what I mean. And on the one hand I’m kinda glad because, given what we’ve seen already, I would not trust this cis man writer/director to get any of it right and not perpetuate more misinformation and harm, but in not showing what it’s actually like, he still perpetuated misinformation and harm. This is why cis people need to stop taking trans stories from us.

Rita and Emilia at a fancy dinner party

Then years later, post-transition Emilia shows up to surprise Rita at a dinner party, in a “you didn’t recognize me, but this is me now!” way. Again playing up the trans women are liars and tricksters aspect, and the “we’re just a surprise to cis people” angle.

One derogatory term for us is “traps,” as if we exist only to lure cishet men into a trap because they think we’re cis women and then when they go to have sex with us, surprise! We trapped you into doing sex stuff with a trans woman. Which I think scares so many cishet men because they worry it somehow makes them gay, when in fact being attracted to a trans woman is the most straight thing a cis man can do because we’re women.

And you can draw a straight line from the portrayals of us as “traps” and tricksters to things like THE TRANS PANIC DEFENSE. It’s a mess!

Emilia later decides she can’t live without her kids anymore, so Rita brings them to her in Mexico under a story that Emilia was their dad’s cousin. Emilia’s wife and kids do not recognize her, more lies and secrets from trans women.

There’s a scene of Emilia lying next to one of her kids in his bed, and Karla gives a really great performance here when the kid sings a song about missing his dad. But also the kid tells her she smells like his dad. But at this point Emilia’s been on HRT for six years.

Y’know what one of the first things to change for most people on HRT is? YOUR SMELL. I smell like a girl now, and it was one of the earliest changes from HRT that gave me GENDER EUPHORIA. This one shows the person writing it knew jack shit about what hormone replacement therapy does to a body, and as my brilliant friend Jessie Gender mentioned to me, this points to a “biological essentialism” and is essentially saying it doesn’t matter what you do or who you say you are, you’re still “really” a man.

Emilia has another song later about how she’s “half him and half her” and doesn’t know who she is. I should add at no point in the film does Emilia actually struggle with her identity or her gender. This is not one of the things trans people actually go through where we wonder if we’re trans enough, or if transition was right (btw YES YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH).

It makes zero sense for this song to be where it is in the movie, with no other context. It feels like it’s doing nothing but adding to the “trans people are just confused” nonsense that’s used to take our rights away, because we can’t really know who we are or what’s right for us. Perpetuates more. Bad. Shit.

There’s a portion of the movie where Emilia gets mad at the thought of losing her kids, and when that happens… her voice drops. Not to just being unmodulated or what have you in the way that can happen when we’re stressed or upset (Monica does this brilliantly, actually), but her voice becomes the exact same as the one she used pre-transition at the beginning of the film.

What’s worse is she then gets violent with her wife for threatening to take the kids away, and assaults her on a bed. It’s not a sexual assault, but her wife is on her back on the bed and Emilia is on top of her, choking her, possibly even straddling her (I’m not going back to check that one, sorry), and speaking in her pre-transition voice in anger.

And if you don’t see this as directly perpetuating the “trans women are violent men in dresses” trope that is being used to ban us from public bathrooms and schools and take our ability to exist in public away, like, I don’t know what to tell you.

Perpetuates SO MUCH MORE. BAD. SHIT.

Selena Gomez as Jessi

Emilia later becomes a victim of violence at the hands of her wife (who still doesn’t know she’s trans or her husband), which is now perpetuating the “trans women are victims” trope that pops up in media again and again and again.

Her wife then, upon learning Emilia’s true identity, misgenders her… after tying her up and throwing her in the trunk of a car.

That car then explodes, and Emilia dies.

Somehow this movie managed to hit every harmful trope about trans women at the same time.

We’re for shock value.

We’re duplicitous.

We’re selfish.

We’re confused.

We’re violent.

We’re victims.

We can’t be trusted.

Like, how do you hit every single fucking one of those without even trying? It’s like a transphobe writer’s checklist of things to include to be sure they’re stickin’ it to the transes.

Other folks have also written about how damaging this movie is to Mexico and Mexicans, with the director even admitting he didn’t bother researching Mexico before telling this story about Mexican people in Mexico! And if he didn’t do that, how much do you think he researched about trans women?

Clearly, from the results in the movie, the answer is NONE.

If you’d like to read more about the horrible depiction of Mexico as nothing more than full of violence and drug gangs (ALSO at a time where those tropes are being used to hurt Mexican immigrants BY THE SAME PEOPLE using transphobic tropes to hurt trans people!), here’s an article for you.

Here’s another great article outlining a lot of issues with the movie.

It’s so bad that GLAAD felt they had to write about it and the harm it’s done (this also collects a lot of other quotes and statements from trans and queer reviewers who are just as appalled as I am).

This movie perpetuates every bad lie you’ve ever heard about trans women, and confirms for transphobes everything they think they know about us. I don’t give a shit about bigots, but think about what this movie is going to do to the people who just don’t know much about trans people, but have heard the propaganda. This is going to confirm all the bullshit lies, and it could make them support the people trying to take our rights away.

When you tell a story about a marginalized community you don’t belong to, you HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO DO NO HARM.

But you also better think long and fucking hard about whether or not it’s your story to tell. No cis white man has ANY business telling a story about what it’s like for a Mexican trans woman to transition. If you think that’s an important story to tell, HIRE A MEXICAN TRANS WOMAN TO TELL THAT STORY. I ASSURE YOU THEY EXIST.

If you feel the need to defend this movie, do something for me. At every point where I said this movie went wrong, ask yourself if a Mexican trans woman writer/director would have made those same choices that a white cis man did. The answer is unequivocally NO, and therein lies the problem.

This is what happens when our voices are stolen.

This is what happens when our stories are appropriated by people who don’t understand us and don’t care to learn, and think they know us better than we know ourselves.

And it has GOT TO STOP.

Art can change the world. The question is: do you want to change it for the better, or worse?

Hire more trans writers. We need these gigs.

The world needs our stories told by us, maybe now more than ever.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


ADDENDUM 2/8/2025

Well. This movie got more Oscar nominations than any other this year (insert world’s biggest eyeroll here, because of course it did), and Karla Sofía Gascón has turned out to be a seemingly awful person… so maybe she knew exactly what she was doing in signing on to this movie. Oof.

In maybe the only upside to this entire fiasco, it resulted in the short film parody Johanne Sacrebleu, made by Mexican trans woman Camila Aurora, and it’s about French people in France made entirely by Mexicans with bad French accents. Perfection.

TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING

Art by Alexandra Haynak, on Pixabay

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Let’s talk about something that I think nearly every trans person who transitions as an adult wakes up to, and something many cis people probably never even realize happens. Let’s get into TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING.

Let me start by saying that trans people are not the only marginalized population that this happens to. To different degrees, it happens to every community that isn’t non-disabled Christian cishet white men.

But as this is a trans Tuesday essay, I’m obviously gonna be talking about the ways it affects transgender people. I just don’t want anyone reading to think I’m implying this only happens to the trans population. Some of the specifics may be unique, but broadly this is something that every marginalized community probably deals with in some form or another.

And if you don’t understand how every marginalized community has more in common than not, how none of us are free until all of us are free, how if we’re not fighting for each other we’re not really fighting the problem and nothing will ever change, see the Trans Tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.

Allllllright, so what the heck am I talking about when I say “societal gaslighting?” You’re not gonna believe this, but it’s exactly what you think it is when you read those words.

It’s when all of society gaslights you. And just in case you’re not familiar, gaslighting is when someone (usually just a single person, or small group) acts like or pretends that what you know to be real is, in fact, not real. The goal is to make you question whether you know what is real and true.

The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (adapted into the film Gaslight in 1944), where a husband used, you guessed it, gaslights to do this very thing to his wife to try and convince her that she’s crazy so he could gain access to her inheritance. You can learn more about it here.

“How can something like that be done on a societal level, Tilly?!” I hear you scream.

Okay, listen. L I S T E N.

I’m not saying every cis person goes to their weekly Cis People Are The Best meeting and actively plans to lie to and deceive trans people as a whole (we all know those meetings are just to talk about cargo shorts and how great it is to feel like your mind and body are connected by default).

What I’m getting at is that society has trained us, both cis people AND trans people, to gaslight we trans people about the nature of our existence.

How in the hell is that possible? Well, my friends, it’s because implicit biases are in all of us. Yes, ALL of us. Even me, and even you. We didn’t want them, we didn’t ask for them, we didn’t put them there, or even know they’re there. But they are.

It’s the result of growing up and living in a system that reinforces compulsory cisgenderness at every single turn, often to the exclusion or even acknowledgement of transgender as a thing people can be.

For more on this, see the Trans Tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA, and how even people who think they’re a good ally to trans and queer people, can hold biases against us because we are “outside the norm” of their expectations… expectations seeded by the compulsory cisgender heterosexuality of our society.

And when I said that most trans people, by virtue of being raised in this system and society, gaslight other trans people (and ourselves), it’s because we’ve also absorbed those implicit biases about ourselves. And we call that INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA, so see that Trans Tuesday too.

And if you doubt the compulsory cisgender heterosexuality of our society, see the Trans Tuesday on GENDERED CHILDHOODS for all the deets on that lil’ poop nugget.

And if you need more on how society does this with basically everything, see the Trans Tuesday on THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.

I’ve mentioned time and Time and TIME again how for most of my life, I didn’t even know that trans was something someone could be. I can’t link you to a Trans Tuesday where I’ve talked about it, because it’s popped up so often I can’t even remember them all.

If you’re thinking that an entire society gaslighting you into thinking a fact of your existence is not real would really fuck you up, kudos to you because it certainly does.

You can see one of the ways it manifested for me in the Trans Tuesday on SEARCHING FOR MEANING (when you’re trans and don’t know it), and how I was always trying to find the inner truth about myself for my entire life, but not knowing where to look… or even being aware that that’s what I was doing.

And so it absolutely makes you question your reality, and what’s real. Because if I have these feelings that “I’d really like to be a girl” and “I feel way more like a girl than a boy” but your parents, your friends, your family, every stranger you meet and all the media and art you absorb says YOU ARE A BOY, well… how could all of them be wrong?

HOW COULD EVERYONE IN THE WORLD BE WRONG?

IMPOSSIBLE!

THEREFORE… SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH *ME*.

But the feeling doesn’t go away. Even when we pretend it’s not there. Even when we try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try to make it go away.

You can see it in the Trans Tuesday on THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE, where once we realize we’re trans, we can often look back and spot countless examples of our transness from our lives, even though we didn’t know that’s what they were at the time.

You can also see it in the Trans Tuesday on HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS, where we try to figure it out and maybe even recognize things that are clearly signs of transness to anyone looking, but will tell ourselves, “Still cis tho!” 

Gaslighting ourselves, at the behest of our own internalized transphobia, telling ourselves that a fundamental reality of our existence cannot possibly be true, because that would mean literally everyone else was wrong.

IMPOSSIBLE!

This plays out in brilliant ways in media designed to talk about the trans experience, like THE MATRIX franchise (see my book on it), and in BARBIE, and in I SAW THE TV GLOW… all of which have people living in an alternate, fake reality, living a fake life, and not knowing what’s real!

And it’s also part of what makes a seemingly unintentional trans allegory like season one of SILO so very trans, too… because the characters don’t know what’s real and are being lied to about it by society.

I was obsessed with writing stories about “the nature of reality” pre-transition, and I didn’t know why. It was just part of trying to figure out why the entire world felt so broken and wrong. But the entire world can’t be broken and wrong, so maybe I am? That’s what our gaslighting society would have you believe, as you see playing out time and time again as all-cisgender politicians attempt to legislate trans people out of existence and deny our rights… as if they’re not true. As if we’re not human beings deserving of the care we need and the right to live our lives as our true selves. That’s all part of it.

They call us “unnatural” (a lie), “aberrations” (false), “anomalies” (nope, we’re not those either).

And that inflicts a trauma on you that you would not believe. It’s something I still struggle with, four and a half years into social and medical transition. I’ll probably always struggle with it, because that trauma’s built up over a lifetime.

If you want to see so many ways that’s messed up my life, see the Trans Tuesdays on THE PAST (and why it haunts us), THE PAST 2: THE NEW PAST (when a tv show somehow alleviated some trauma), and THE PAST 3: TRANS GRIEF 1 and THE PAST 4: TRANS GRIEF 2… when I had to confront the loss of the life that had been stolen from me, but maybe found an unexpected way to cope with it.

One thing I want to mention from those Trans Grief essays, and it’s something that you’ve probably seen pop up in a few other essays as well, is how my life was stolen from me. My childhood was stolen from me. 

I didn’t get to be a little girl, or a teenage girl, or a young woman. I mean, I was always a woman, but I didn’t get to live as one, as me. I lived it pretending to be someone I’m not, and that too royally fucks you up. See the Trans Tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.

And I’m still finding new ways that it’s impacting my life.

I grew up in the midwest, and lived there into my adulthood before we moved out to Los Angeles. LA feels like home in a way no other place ever has, and I love it here for so many reasons, and I thought that’s why the idea of going back to the midwest didn’t appeal to me.

But it’s more than that. There’s this stretch on the route I drive my son to school on, that… is bad. 

It’s only a block long.

There’s just large apartment buildings on either side of the road.

There’s literally nothing remarkable about it.

And it… terrifies me? It makes my chest clench and my breathing ragged, and I feel like I’m being crushed. Like I’m drowning. HEY WAIT, that’s how I described my dysphoria.

And that’s also how I feel any time I so much as think about the possibility of going back to the midwest. What the heck?

What I discovered in searching and studying this block every time I drove through it was that it reminded me of the midwest. Of Chicago, where I grew up. It’s all tall buildings and right angles and deciduous and pine trees. And especially on gloomy days, when it all looks extra gray and flat and morose, it makes me want to run away and hide.

Because the association with extra gray skies, flat ground, only deciduous and pine trees, tall buildings and right angles… they remind me of my childhood. And that was nothing but a sea of dysphoria, and so it triggers those dysphoric feelings in me and makes me panic.

Like I’m going to lose everything I’ve gained. Like I’m going to be forced back into the false shell. Like I’m going to be forced back into living that lie. Like I’m going to be forced back into unending pain and despair with no way out. 

Like I’m dying.

But this is the fastest route to take and my time is always at a premium, so I have to keep driving through that stretch. I can’t avoid it. 

So I studied it further. And I realized there are a few palm trees scattered in there, but I’d been missing them. There are mountains waaaaaaay off, but I can see them (when it’s not too hazy). And I can remind myself you are not THERE. HERE is NOT there. You are in California. You are living as your true self. You made the impossible…

POSSIBLE!

But damn if it wasn’t tough to do that. And I have to remind myself to look for the palms, look for the mountains, to not panic through that innocuous stretch of one block of apartment buildings.

There are other ways this has impacted me too, that I haven’t really found a way through yet.

There’s music that, as a teen, I used to love. I was a known fanatic of a few singers. 

When my wife and I got re-married earlier this year, to have a wedding with the real me, this actually came up. NO music from the artists I was a former fanatic of were on that playlist I kept getting complimented on.

And as I mentioned in the Trans Tuesday on A TRANS RE-WEDDING, the same old friend who was very surprised to see the “new” (true) me and how different I was, especially from our original wedding, said she was surprised there was no music played from these artists I was such a huge fan of.

And I had to tell her the sad truth of it is that I can’t really bear to listen to their stuff anymore, because it takes me right back to high school. And while a lot of music can do things like that for a lot of people, when the place it takes you back to is one of misery and pain and endless, hopeless despair… that’s not a place you want to go back to.

I’ve thought about maybe taking time to revisit those artists, to see if I could find a way through like I did with that one block of apartment buildings that nearly gave me a panic attack. But that’d mean taking hours to subject myself to terrible feelings to try and work through them.

And while that’d probably be a good and healthy thing for me to do, again my time is at a premium and I don’t have a day (or more) that I can potentially lose to the emotional fallout of whatever misery it might inflict.

So until I have the time and energy to confront that, I basically have to just avoid those artists entirely.

I guess where I’m going with this is that for so many of us who transition as adults, our past lives are filled with pain and trauma and it’s so hard to deal with. And that’s just from the transphobic gaslighting of society, never mind any other stuff in our lives that may have been painful on top of all that.

I want to say really quick that Trans Tuesdays will be off for the rest of the year for a planned break (these are just so much work), but will be back mid-January 2025!

I want to thank our sound editor Jillian Morgan for making the podcast version of Trans Tuesdays possible, without her I never could have brought Trans Tuesdays to that medium. I’m so glad she’s my partner in this.

I want to thank all our podcast guests this year, because I think we’ve had some really important, lovely, vital conversations.

And thanks to all of you for reading just so much of my writing for another year. I appreciate your time and your eyes more than you know, and I hope these have been some help to you.

As my final thought for the year, I want to say this:

To the cis folks reading, please try to understand some of what we might be dealing with. And go out of your way to assure us that you see us. That you support us. That you’re there for us. And remember that we need action, not just words. We NEED you.

And to the other trans, nonbinary, non-cis folks reading, let me say this:

You are not your trauma.

You are not wrong about reality.

And you are sure as hell not broken.

I see you. I’m in it with you.

And we can get through it together.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PHOTOS 3: TILLY’S GUIDE TO SELFIES

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Much to my own surprise, this week is a topic people have asked me about for literal years, which blows my mind, but here we are! Welcome to PHOTOS 3: TILLY’S GUIDE TO SELFIES.

This is all related, first of all, to the Trans Tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS, and how those can be so difficult for so many trans people for most of our lives.

And then there’s the Trans Tuesday on PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE, when everything changed and I started seeing myself in photos all the time without even trying.

Over the past few years, especially after all my photos flipped to being amazing for me, people asked me for tips on taking selfies. Trans people, certainly, but even cis people were asking me how they could get such good selfies.

And at first that was so weird to me. Well okay, it’s still so weird to me. Because I look at the photos and I like them and think they’re wonderful, but that’s literally all I care about. So the fact that they (and by extension, me) could look good to anyone else wasn’t even something I had considered.

Though I should have, for I am very hot and cute and need to be told so regularly 😌

It’s important to know that cameras lie. But they also tell a truth. Not the truth. It’s complex!

So a camera only records exactly what’s in front of it, right? Yes! Exceeeeeeeept…

What’s in front of it is drastically impacted by the framing of the photographer, the lens, the lighting, perspective, the angle of the shot, and more.

I love this image, but I have no idea where it’s originally from.

A black and white image of someone at a video camera, and the video camera’s screen shows a person on the left trying to stab a person on the right. But what’s in front of the camera is the person on the left running away from the person on the right, who is actually trying to stab the person on the left. The framing of the camera distorts what is seen.

The genius of that image is it’s used to talk about the way the media frames stories, like refusing to name Trump’s bigotry for what it is and instead saying he has “unconventional ideas” or whatever. 

But it also works for actual, literal cameras. The person controlling the camera controls what you, the viewer, see. The camera isn’t lying, but it’s also not telling the truth.

In fact, Hollywood has used this sort of thing for ages for special effects, long before the advent of CGI. This gif from the silent movie Safety Last! shows you how forced perspective provided an astounding special effect.

Black and white animated gif of Harold Lloyd hanging from a clock on the outside of a building, apparently dangling over a busy street. The image pauses and the “camera” pulls back to show it was a set on a rooftop, and the street “below” him was actually far behind him, but the forced perspective changed how it looked.

So that camera wasn’t lying, right? It was showing you exactly what it saw. But the people using that camera used what it saw to distort what you saw. And this is how cameras can both lie and tell the truth at the same time.

Forced perspective is used all the time, and in fact is what was used, rather than CGI, through most of the Lord of the Rings films to make the hobbits appear small!

Here’s some great articles about it.

So the art of a good selfie is being aware of things like that, and manipulating the camera to get it to show the you that is the truth, and not a distorted view of who you are and what you see.

Annnnnyway, over the course of taking mumble mumble number of selfies, I’ve learned a whole lot about what works and what doesn’t. And while what works for me may not be what works for you, there are some general guidelines that will help everyone!

I believe there are three main components to good selfies:

1 – Lighting

2 – Angle of the camera lens (and the lens itself)

3 – Your style

I shall now attempt to explain them all as best I can! Let’s go in order.


LIGHTING

Your best lighting is almost always going to be sunlight, but not direct sunlight. It’s way too strong and will wash you out or make things look harsh. That’s true of artificial light too, however.

Direct light is harsh, and even more importantly it casts hard shadows, which are going to make absolutely everyone look bad or like you’re in a horror movie.

You want diffuse light, ie light that is ambient or bounced or reflected back toward you. 

This is the main reason most of my selfies are taken in the same spot in our small apartment, because it’s the one place with really good, natural, diffuse lighting. 

Me in a white tank with big poofy white things on the shoulders. It’s kinda goofy, like me.

Note the lack of hard shadows (or any shadows!) as I half-turn toward the light source so the diffuse light is hitting my face and front side.

I take my photos right next to a big window, but never when the sun is directly shining in the spot I stand.

So the light you see in them is bouncing in through the window off the street, sidewalk, plants, and buildings outside. It gives a really soft, natural glow and I swear to you that’s fifty percent of the entire battle.

What happens when the lighting is bad?

Me in a purple spider-web dress, fishnets, platform heel mary janes (with skull clasp), black fingerless lace gloves, and a homemade graduation cap that has a Monster High Skullette (skull with eyelashes and a pink bow) on top, and Skullette has her own graduation cap. I’m standing in front of balloons that say MH2024 and a cardboard cutout of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Taken at Nickelodeon.

This photo was taken by my lovely wife Susan at Nickelodeon for the Monster High “graduation party” that wrapped season two of the show. We wrote six episodes that season! That’s why we were there. If you didn’t know, now you know.

Anyway, I like this photo because it shows me and my fabulous fit at the Monster High party, but I don’t like how my face looks in it at all. There’s no dysphoria from it, it just looks… bad. And kinda not like me.

This isn’t Susan’s fault. In fact, she’s the one that told me there was really bad lighting there but I wanted a photo anyway. It was important to me to commemorate the show and getting to attend the party, but it’s not a great photo of me.

There’s harsh light directly overhead, and look at the stark shadows it’s casting all over my face. It makes me look weird! That kind of lighting will make anyone look weird, which is the point.

If you’re not thinking about lighting, you’re going to have a really tough time getting photos of you that look good. There’s a sort of meme along the lines of… if you want to know where the good lighting is, just follow the trans girls. We spent a lifetime waiting for amazing pictures of us, and even subconsciously many of us figure out how to find the good lighting wherever we’re at.

If you can’t tell where the good lighting is in your home, it’s super easy to figure out with modern phones. Just turn on the front facing camera so you see yourself on the screen, and then… turn and walk around, paying close attention to the ways the light and shadow move across your face. When you find a spot that gets you good, consistent, even, diffuse lighting… X marks the spot. 

If you’re outside and it’s really bright, photos in the shade are your friend. But there’s other things you can do, too. My large sunhat (in stealth trans pride flag colors, heck yeah) can turn direct sunlight into diffuse sunlight that hits my face, meaning I can get pretty good selfies anywhere outside when I’m wearing it.

Me outside in very direct, harsh sunlight, but my sun hat turns that into soft, diffuse light on my face.


ANGLE

We all have angles we prefer and dislike, for a variety of reasons. There are angles we feel we look better from, angles that are unflattering to almost everyone, angles that help us see what we want to see. People say they have “a good side” for a reason.

I’m partial to the right side of my face, as opposed to the left side. I don’t hate the left side! But I think the right is… better somehow. It probably has something to do with my left cheek having a scar on it that I really don’t like.

And like, don’t feel bad if you have scars. Scars can be cool! But this one isn’t, for me, for reasons. I don’t like it, and I think it messes up my selfies, so you will rarely see it.

It just so happens that I am also right handed, and so when taking selfies I hold the phone with my right hand, and thus it’s easier to shoot the right side of my face.

It also just so happens that the spot in our small apartment with the best lighting is the window I take most of my selfies near, which requires turning to my left for better lighting and no shadows. 

It’s a trifecta of things that make right-handed selfies in that one spot work really well for me.

But also you might not even realize just HOW much angle will affect how a person looks. We can debate whether this photo is a selfie or not (I used a tripod and a remote, so it’s me taking the photo, but I wasn’t holding the phone), but here’s a straight-on shot of me.

A straight-on shot of me in a blue dress and pink heart-shaped glasses.

Look how much it changed the shape of my face compared to the selfie in the white top with poofy shoulder thingies. I’m the same human, nothing major happened to me or even with my HRT between these two photos, so no major changes to my face have occurred (see the Trans Tuesday on HRT if you need more info).

This is exacerbated by the very light shadows on the right side of my face, your left as you look at the photo. This is because I’ve turned a bit away from the light source (the window I use), and so my nose and other features are now casting those shadows.

They’re very faint, because it was very bright when I took that photo and a LOT of light comes through the window, so it’s not dire, stark shadows like in the one from the Monster High party. Soft shadows can be okay (and you may even prefer how you look with them!), but they will change the way your face is perceived by both you and others.

There’s also likely to be some kind of distortion no matter what angle you use. In fact, different lenses shot from different distances can completely alter the way a face looks. Here’s a great article about it!

So how much can the angle or lens change an image? Well all of my selfies are taken with my phone’s front-facing camera, so the lens doesn’t change. But my distance from it does (especially when I use the tripod), and the angle always does.

Look at this shot of me in my first bikini!

Me! In my pink and blue flamingo bikini.

Pretty great, right? It’s okay, you can tell me. 😉

But look at my stomach there. Which is a weird thing to say, but it looks soft and nice.

But I’ve worked for years and YEARS on shaping my body with exercise, it was the first thing I ever did to start my transition. You can read all about it in the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING.

So when I posted that bikini pic to social media, I had to include a second photo… because that first one does not at all accurately show you what I’ve achieved with my abs.

Now look at me in the bikini from another angle.

Me flexing in my bikini, you can seem my semi-defined ab muscles and my nicely defined, flexed biceps

Look how different my abs are in the second photo! Look between the two photos and marvel at what angle alone can do.

For that matter, feel free to ogle those biceps I’ve worked so hard for. I love them so much.

My flexed left bicep lookin’ pretty big and strong

Okay but now look at that exact same bicep in similar lighting but from an entirely different angle.

Me in a hot pink sports bra and tights, flexing my left bicep which looks barely defined at all, shot from a higher angle looking down.

That angle erases all the years of work and progress I’ve put into my biceps! It looks tiny and barely defined at all.

And if angle alone can do that for a bicep, just imagine what it does to a face.

You can find the angles you like and that you think work for you the same way you found good lighting.

In fact, that’s where you need to start. Go back to that “X marks the spot” that you found with good lighting, and now use your front-facing camera and move it all around you. Up, down, left, right. 

Look at the ways it changes your face shape and appearance, and find the ones that show the true you. In fact, just turn your phone sideways as if taking a horizontal selfie and watch how that changes your face too. Because you’ve moved the lens and it’s now shooting you from a different angle, which will make you look different.

For what it’s worth, I STILL haven’t figured out how to find an angle I really like in horizontal selfies. So if I want to take a selfie with a bunch of people all gathered and turn the phone horizontal to fit them all into the frame, I’m not gonna like what it does to my face because I haven’t found the right spot for it yet.

I don’t take many selfies in landscape mode for a reason. I mean I don’t often have occasion to, though, so I don’t practice it. And if we don’t practice at something we’re never going to get better.

Practice, practice, practice! It really helps.

If you pay attention, trans folks, you’ll see a ton of cis people who post great selfies are already doing this. They know their angles, they know where the good lighting is, and they stick to them.

And that’s great for them! And for you, too. Do whatever you have to in order to make the camera show you the truth.


STYLE

This is one that may seem unrelated, but it really matters.

Part of (but not the main or even biggest portion of) the reason I disliked so many of my early selfies is because it took me years of trial and error to find my style, to find the clothes that truly expressed myself and who I am.

And so, surprise surprise, when I was taking selfies in clothes that didn’t accurately represent me… those photos didn’t accurately represent me! It definitely played into them not feeling all the way like “me”.

I did a whole Trans Tuesday about FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE that may hopefully help you through it a little, but unfortunately it’s something we all have to figure out on our own. Nobody can tell you what your style is.

We can tell you what we think might look good on you, but what we think is not what you think, and until you’re happy in your skin and your style, your photos might always feel like they’re not really you yet. Because they aren’t!

So do what you can to settle into the way you want to express yourself through your clothes.

Find the angles you love.

Find that good lighting.

Experiment. Fail. Learn. Experiment again.

And eventually maybe you’ll find your way to selfie nirvana. 

If it happened for me, it can happen for you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com 

Me in a red halter top and white iridescent cat eye glasses. I’m adjusting the glasses and squinting suspiciously.