Welcome to #TransTuesday! WARNING: this thread is gonna make you hungry. It’s a necessary evil. Maybe it’ll inspire you? The weirdest thing is you might not expect that given the actual topic: FREEING UP MY BRAIN (aka LUNCH WITH TILLY).
This is very much related to CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD, and in fact I had planned to do this one first, but then I decided to do last week’s thread while it was still fresh in my mind, so I swapped them. If you missed it, please check it out.
You also cannot understand this thread, not really, if you don’t have a basic understanding of GENDER DYSPHORIA.
Please pay special attention in both of those essays to my attempts to describe the feeling of gender dysphoria, of trying to exist and move through the world while dealing with everything dysphoria causes and brings with it.
This thread is one I couldn’t have done early on in my transition, when I first started Trans Tuesdays. And there’s two reasons for that. One, I honestly had no idea this was even a thing, so it wasn’t even on my radar. No hint of it anywhere on my giant list of topics to cover.
But the second reason is it wasn’t something that happened to me until I was well into my transition, and I only realized what was behind it and that it was even related to my transition at all a short while ago.
See the trans tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo) for another instance of not knowing at first that something in my life was connected to my transition at all, and how I slowly figured out that it was almost ENTIRELY connected to my transition.
So what in the sparkly pink heck am I talking about when I say FREEING UP MY BRAIN? Okay, so here’s the thing that you might not have realized, and that I only discovered rather recently.
Dysphoria is so awful, and so intense (and again, remember I don’t have it nearly as bad as some other people do) that it OCCUPIED SO MUCH OF MY BRAIN POWER there wasn’t a whole lot left over for other things.
I’m not saying it made me less intelligent, or made me less capable of doing the things that I wanted to… except that actually it DID, but in ways I didn’t realize. I shall endeavor to explain, but this is another one of those topics that’s really hard to put into words.
Okay so if you’ve been reading these for a while you know I’m a writer, and I write as part of a team with my lovely, smart, funny, beautiful, charming, extremely talented wife Susan, and have for a long time (if you’re new, first off: Hi! Glad you’re here! And also: now you know.).
And while we’ve gotten better and better as time goes on, as any writer would hope to be the case, I don’t really feel like just because I’ve transitioned it’s made me a better writer personally. I was able to save enough brain power and creativity for that.
But we only have so much mental and emotional energy to go around, right? So between that and everything dysphoria saddled me with, and being a parent, what I’ve discovered is I didn’t have any reserves for much of anything else.
Again going back to the previous threads on dysphoria and going into an entirely new situation with entirely new people as myself for the first time, you can see how difficult social interactions and situations were for me.
You can see where I thought this was starting to change somewhat in the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE, which originally came roughly eight months into my transition, even though it was largely speculation due to still being trapped in a pandemic.
I actually started my physical transition long ago, in 2015, years before even officially choosing to transition, when I was just slowly exploring things and decided to start making my body more like the one I wanted, since I knew I had to wait until 2020 to fully being transition anyway. See my the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.
As part of what I needed to motivate myself to actually DO all the exercising I wanted to do, and not weasel out of it, I began rewarding myself with cheat days. I try to eat fairly well, but if you read my thread on my tattoo you know I tend to go overboard with things.
Years back my doctor told me I needed more fiber, and the next day I changed to a super high fiber diet and the result was uhhhhh recently I discovered I overdid it and had been getting way too much and had to cut back. Why am I like this? Goodness.
ANYWAY, I’ve always been incredibly food motivated. I have a SUPER metabolism, and I’ve been dismayed at its slowing as I’ve aged, even though it’s still probably much faster than most people’s. I got it from my dad! I talked about that in the trans tuesday on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU.
Because I miss being able to eat like I did when I was a kid on the track and cross country teams, and because it’s one of the only connections to my dad that I have, all my exercise is also a way of maintaining that metabolism as best I can.
It’s weird to feel that how quickly I can process foods I eat, a biological process I have minimal control over, is an emotional connection to someone long lost, but life is weird and funky, my friends.
So my reward system became: if I did ALL my exercising for the week (not counting things I missed that were not my fault, like not being able to run if it’s pouring rain), Friday became my cheat day, and I’d allow myself to eat anything I wanted. Like I did in high school.
It worked. It SUPER worked. So much so it’s STILL working for me something like six or seven years later. Whatever it is that you find sparks that motivation in you, folks, grab onto it and don’t let go. It can be so effective.
But for the longest time, my Friday lunches would be a mix of just a handful of things… places I’d been going for years, things I always liked, things I knew. Things that were FAMILIAR.
As a kid you’re subject to your parents’ whims when it comes to food. I wasn’t raised with much of a varied food selection. If it didn’t come from a box or a can, it wasn’t something my parents really ever made. Though we had spices, I don’t think they ever got used.
As an example, our sloppy joes were: ground beef, sugar, and ketchup. That’s, uh… well. It’s something.
Most of it was generally bland, processed “American” food. And on the rare occasions we ate out, it was places that also kind of fit that bill. McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendys, Taco Bell. Rarely it might be Arbys! So exotic. (listen I still love the Bell, but authentic it is not)
And then during this pandemonium (last fall, I think?) I realized that my Friday lunches brought me so much joy, I wanted to share that with others. Maybe it would bring a bright spot into your week, too. And we all need that.
So I started posting photos of my Friday lunches, and encouraging you to treat yourself to a nice lunch too, and trying to provide a little positivity because I’m so happy you made it through another week with me. It’s hard out here, and I really genuinely care about all of you.
And that started with mozzarella sticks, and mac and cheese (albeit a fancier, not boxed kind), and an AUTHENTIC Mexican burrito from a local place we love that was familiar to me… that I only ever tried because a friend said they were going there and would get me something.
Then we went to authentic Mediterranean kebabs and falafel that was familiar to me… that I only ever tried because Susan really wanted to go there. Then it was Chinese food… from Panda Express (which I love, no lie). And fab onion rings.
And homemade Christmas cookies my grandma used to make, and pizza, and pasta with Susan’s mind-blowing homemade Italian sausage sauce, and donuts.
Now HOLD UP. What is this? This is… pad thai? From an authentic Thai food restaurant near us? I had NEVER had Thai food before. EVER. In my entire life. I never thought about it. I never considered going there. But this day I did. Why?
I didn’t want to keep repeating the same stuff, because I wanted more variety for YOU. But… I also wanted more variety for ME? I always, ALWAYS had. BUT I DIDN’T KNOW IT. Because here’s the kicker:
Dealing with dysphoria, and trying to pretend to be a man I didn’t know how to be, and the way it kept me separate from the world, and then being overwhelmed being myself for the first time in my life and not knowing how to be the REAL me in the world for a long time…
TOOK UP SO MUCH OF MY BRAIN POWER I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT HANDLE NEW EXPERIENCES. I had nothing left over for them. This is why I HATED going to new places and meeting new people and trying new things.
For all the reasons mentioned in the previous threads (how awful it made me feel, how miserable it made me, how scared I was), but ALSO because I just did not have anything (not ANYTHING!) left over to process new things that I did not know how to react to.
This is another way dysphoria was keeping me from truly living and experiencing this world, experiencing LIFE, that I didn’t even realize was a thing until a few months ago.
Because I started wondering WHY I was suddenly trying Thai food and didn’t feel overwhelmed by it at all. It was EXCITING. And I LOVED IT.
And the reason was that I hit a point in my transition where my dysphoria lessened enough that I suddenly had the energy to deal with new things!
I don’t know what the turning point was, or why. I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe it’s as simple as finally, FINALLY feeling (mostly) at home in my body for the first time in my entire life. Maybe enough changes happened that it all added up to something substantial.
Whatever the cause, I discovered I had SO MUCH MORE ENERGY to handle things! And I wanted to know all the things I’d been missing out on. SO VERY BADLY. I love pad thai?? I didn’t know that about myself! What else do I love??
Hawaiian barbecue! Authentic Mexican tacos! Ribs from that place that cooks them outside that I was always afraid to go to because I didn’t know where/how you bought them and having to ask someone terrified me! Authentic tikka masala!
Authentic ramen! Authentic pho!
And okay yes I still love stuff I’ve always loved, like more pizza and big sandwiches (but the sandwich was from a place I’d never been, and old me would have considered it “weird” and been afraid to try it) and hash browns and patty melts!
But I’m also still trying stuff I’ve never ever had before but want to. Like bibimbap!
And this is why it ties in so strongly with last week’s thread on going out into the world, to new places with new people, and HAVING NEW EXPERIENCES (which is what all these new foods are).
When you remove (well I don’t know if it’s “removed,” but it’s DRAMATICALLY lessened) gender dysphoria from the equation, there is
SO
MUCH
MORE.
So much more to life, so much more that we’re capable of, so much more happiness and joy to be found JUST FROM EXISTING. Entirely unrelated to my gender at all!
YES being the woman I am makes me ecstatic, GENDER EUPHORIA is very very real. And you cis folks can, and DO, experience it too.
But the not-so-simple fact of gender dysphoria occupying SO MUCH LESS of my every waking moment means I’m living, TRULY LIVING, for the first time in SO MANY NEW WAYS.
I want that for you. For ALL of you, trans or not. I would LOVE to have lunch with you. ANY TIME. Please! Let’s! And if we can’t do that in person, let’s do that here.
Let’s try new things, and celebrate life, and celebrate LIVING.
Together.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com