Welcome to Trans Tuesday! It’s July, and not only is it July, it’s the seventh of July! Which means it’s exactly six years to the day that I publicly came out! So that means it’s time for my SIX YEARS OUT AND ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE!
I’ll be using my past retrospectives as a template, which means I’ll be discussing things in the same order, simply so that I remember to mention any updates on specific parts of my transition. Because ya girl is very tired and overworked and I’ll absolutely forget to cover something otherwise.
And before I do that, here’s where I remind you that I discovered I was trans in 2014, meaning it’s been a good twelve years of knowing and accepting my truth, even though I’ve only been out and actually transitioning for half that time. As I’ve mentioned before, the delay in starting was For Reasons I Don’t Talk About Publicly, but it’s nothing nefarious or transphobic. In any case, it’s wild to have hit the point where I’ve been doing this for as long as I waited through so much pain to do this. Next year I’ll officially pass that halfway point, which is exciting.
The newest and biggest change I noticed this year is in just how much I’ve truly embraced my true self, and come to love who I am so very much. It snuck up on me, as these things often do. Especially now, where I’ve hit the point where my transition is just kind of part of the background noise of my life, for the most part. Which is not to say I don’t care about it, far from it! It’s just not actively on my mind anymore, because I’m so happy with how it’s going and who I am.
For the entire past year since my five year check-in, our finances weren’t great. I’ve been through that before (a lot), and it’s something so many people are struggling with in our tanking economy.
I don’t mention this to elicit any kind of sympathy from you, many people still had it far worse than I did. But it was a struggle for us to stay afloat, which means that spending on things we didn’t absolutely need was kept to an absolute minimum. And this is only relevant because I have not been able to get more pairs of heels, both to practice walking in, around our apartment, and to actually wear out in the world (because now I do very much love the extra attention they get me, boosting my 6” 1/2″ to new heights).
Things have stabilized now, so hopefully I can see some advancement there this year.
Despite getting my first bikini last year, I’ve still not actually worn it anywhere. This is mostly because I’ve not had anywhere to wear it to, I’m not really into swimming or Being In Water. I’ve also not had the time to go to anyplace that I might wear it, so… eh. But it’s there waiting, should the opportunity arrive and I happen to feel brave enough.
I still have to shave my face every morning (see GENDER DYSPHORIA) and my body once a week (see BODY HAIR). Getting that hair permanently removed from my face is something that still remains inaccessible to me, both for cost reasons last year, and due to reasons outlined in A PANDEMIC TRANSITION.
There is a new local trans-owned clinic who might be able to meet my I-have-an-immunocompromised-spouse accommodation needs well enough for me to get it done, but it wouldn’t be covered by insurance, and that means $$$$$. It also takes hours and hours and hours of time, and let me tell you what I do not have any spares of. So I’m still unsure if I’ll ever be able to get it done.
It worries me, especially if I get injured and am unable to shave my face myself, or if I end up in the hospital for whatever reason. Would someone else shave it for me, or would I be left to rot in the misery of dysphoria? It’s an unpleasant thought, but I’m kinda stuck, so… it is what it is.
BODY HACKING update! If you’ve not read that essay, do so, so you can learn how important exercise, and specifically strength training, have been to my transition.
If you check out the pics in the FIVE YEAR RETROSPECTIVE you can compare them to these new ones. I see improvement, maybe you will too.
This is where I’m at now:
There’s maybe not as much progress from last year as I would have liked, but that’s because after that five year check-in, I joined my local roller derby league! And it kinda changed my life with RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE.
I’m practicing derby twice a week, for two hours at a time, and that eats up a lot of time and energy, so I have less time for my upper body workouts than before. But it means I’ve also had a lot of lower body gains!
One unexpected and kind of amazing thing that’s happened with my growing strength is that roller derby has finally given me a place to use that strength. Before, it was just about being strong because I wanted to be, and that’s of course the most important reason. But now, having something where those muscles and strength benefit me is actually really amazing.
I mentioned in that essay on RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE (roller derby), how I have very low dexterity and I’m not remotely agile. But there’s so many different ways to play derby, especially as a jammer, my favorite position to play (and also the one I am best at).
Some people are incredibly agile little rabbits that are impossible to catch and lock down. Me? My style is more RAR, CAP SMASH and I use my strength to push through the wall of blockers as often as I try to go around them. Both are perfectly valid tactics! And it’s really nice to be so well suited to the “I’m just a sledgehammer on wheels” kind!
My HAIR still remains super important to me, and happily still brings me so much joy. It has been a little difficult with the addition of roller derby, though, because any time I put my helmet on and get sweaty, my hair is absolutely destroyed. It needs a wash/detangle immediately after, and then doing the actual styling takes about an hour.
And I don’t always have time to style it the next day! Which has meant having some days where my hair is clean and all, but it doesn’t look like my usual hair, and that bothers me a lot. Just something I’ve got to live with if I’m going to keep playing roller derby, which I absolutely intend to do. I’m sure there’s a balance there, somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.
MY TATTOO continues to be perfect, although for the first time I’m contemplating getting another. I’d like to have a lot more, I think, but I don’t know what they might be. If something’s going to be on my body forever, it’s got to mean something to me. And I’m not interested in seeking those out, if that makes sense. But if and when something occurs to me, and it feels like it might be right, then I’m all in on it!
So right now it’s just an issue of being sure of what it is, and figuring out where I want it to go, the latter of which is proving much more difficult than the first, because this isn’t a full-arm or any kind of (even a half) sleeve. But once I get that settled, I hope to get it. And this actually happened because one of the people in my roller derby league is a tattoo artist and posted a new design she did that was really cool, and sparked the idea I have. So that’s fun.
Time for HRT-talk! Injections are still going okay, and I may be struggling with the act of giving them to myself a little less. But the way the E makes me feel and what it does for me continue to be absolute aces. No issues, A+, would recommend.
Progesterone continues as well, though I’m not sure if I’m getting any benefits from it anymore, at least in terms of physical changes. I haven’t seen much breast growth (or more in the hips or butt) in the past year, so those may have all stopped. Still helps me sleep better, though! And helps keep my sex drive alive to combat the way E made it crater.
But you can see in the below pic of my birthday fit last year that, even if they stop growing here, The Ladies E and P have been kind to me.
What has become clear, though, is that I need more low-cut tops because now that I can show them off… I kind of love showing them off? Look at them! Go ahead! I like looking at them too!
For the aforementioned financial reasons I haven’t been able to procure said low-cut tops since discovering I had enough bewb to show now, but that’s something I can hopefully find more of now, too.
In more boobie-related news, I had my first mammogram this year! It’s uncomfortable and weird to have a lady womanhandle your breasts to get them right on the machine and then squish the everloving fuck out of them.
But it’s important! Especially for trans ladies and nonbinary people on estrogen. Our mammograms aren’t based on age like they are for cis ladies, we’re supposed to start getting them after five years of HRT (this is apparently the same guideline used for post-menopausal cis women who are also on estrogen). We worked so hard to get these boobs, friends. Take care of them and keep them safe!
Periods have stayed gone! I don’t know why!
Still do not love my hands or fingers, which remain stubbornly the same as they were pre-transition. It’s a small thing, but they bother me a bit. Not enough to cause a dysphoria spike, but I look at them and I’m just like… c’mon, be more ladylike, would you? Not that I could even tell you necessarily what that would be! Transition is weird sometimes.
Is this leftover, residual INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA I’m dealing with? I dunno, but if my hands read more “lady hands” to me, I’d be happy about it.
Mental changes from HRT remain Most Excellent. Inner peace and self-love are great, it turns out. Give ‘em a try.
Style stays locked in, only… I think I’m moving away from some stuff I was presently okay with, mostly in the t-shirt realm. I was never fond of the “unisex” tees that are clearly just men’s t-shirts that they want to say are for “everybody” because it’s cheaper to only offer one style, but I just don’t like them much. I’ve cut the collars and sleeves on some, and that’s a fun kinda sporty/butchy style… but now I have a lot of shirts like that, and it is Too Many.
So I really do want to swap a lot of them out, even though I love them, for tees with a more feminine cut, or just other women’s tops entirely. Why must we have HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES? Well, we know the sexist reasons why, but still. Hopefully I can replace some of those this year too.
Lemme hit you with the new timeline photo! I continue to get hotter year by year, so by my ten year timeline photo I hope to be so hot it’s like looking at the sun.
Oh hey… have my eyes gotten even more green in this past year? Sure looks like it! How cool. (There are estrogen receptors in the eyes, this is a thing that can happen!)
And… that’s it! Not a whole lot of changes for me this year, which maybe stands to reason when you’re six years in and have gotten (mostly) all you’ve wanted out of transition. I just continue existing as myself, every damned day.
And that’s the best fucking thing in the entire world.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! The commodification of trans rights under capitalism has always been complicated and often awful, but things recently took a nosedive… by removing that commodification entirely. Let’s talk RAINBOW CAPITALISM 2: FROM BAD TO WORSE.
We can’t start this discussion without talking about RAINBOW CAPITALISM first. But this is part two, so hopefully you’ve already figured out you should read part one first, because you’re very smart (and have excellent taste in the trans essays posted to the internet that you choose to read).
The basic gist of it is that companies often only offer pride merchandise in June, while at the same time supporting politicians and policies that try to strip trans and queer people of our rights. It’s a naked ploy for our money and it in no way actually supports us.
Exceeeeppppt… trans people are part of the people who do business with these companies, so they should have merchandise targeted toward us. And it’s really nice to have things with the trans pride flag on it, because I’m so proud to be trans and I love my community.
The disconnect is in the double dealing they do, in not actually supporting trans rights. It’s very much a case of PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP and PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP. They may want to think of themselves as a good company that supports trans people (well, some of them might, but I also suspect many know exactly what they’re doing), or they want to be seen as supporting trans people, but hey if the Republicans are going to give their mega corporation more tax breaks… too bad! Saving some money and profit line always goes up is more important than your inalienable human rights!
And so it’s complicated, because we do want to be treated as valued customers, but it’s got to be honest with real world support. For a case of handling trans merchandising the right way, see RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE for how, yes, my roller derby league offers trans merch, but they also back it up with action and year-round support of trans rights. It’s important to note that roller derby leagues are not corporations, mine is actually a non-profit made up entirely of volunteers, many of whom are trans and nonbinary themselves. What a difference that makes.
The fact that so many companies participating in rainbow capitalism are run nearly entirely by cis people is also part of the problem. If there are any trans people helping run the company, they’re likely the only one, or one of a very small handful, and thus are the least empowered to push for change.
It’s the same thing I’ve talked about in my TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022, 2023, 2024, and 2025 reports, where so many television shows have no trans people on the writing staff, or maybe one if we’re lucky. They’re almost never in the higher levels, and if they speak up about harmful representation or transphobic jokes, they’re the most likely to be punished for it, and possibly lose their jobs.
It’s the same in any business, and it’s why changing things for the better in terms of all of this requires more good cis people to hire more trans people, at all levels.
But recently things got even worse in the rainbow capitalism department, because For Reasons a very bad man and his smell-of-old-cabbage cronies gained control of the US government. They’re bigots through and through, in every way you can imagine. For more on the impact that’s had on me and the trans population, see THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE.
Capitalism is gonna capitalism, so a lot of companies that wanted to get on the very bad man’s good side (so they could get lower taxes, or get a merger approved, etc) donated to him and his “causes,” stabbing every trans and queer customer and employee of theirs in the back. They have directly enabled every bigoted move that man has made since he took office in 2025.
As part of that, so many of them that previously wanted to appear inclusive and like they were good companies who cared about people, rolled back their DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) programs. Those programs were designed to address the very problem I was just talking about… to make companies less white, less cisgender, less heterosexual, less ableist.
And so you see exactly why the fascist cishet white men in power hated it, because they view rights as pie. If anyone but them gains rights only they previously had, or a job only they previously had, they see it as a personal attack and believe they are being oppressed and there’s less pie for them. When they’ve been lionized and supported and told you’re the very best and most important special boy for their entire life, anyone not telling them that is like a slap in the face to them. It’s why I had to do an essay on CIS IS NOT A SLUR (there is no default human).
“A backlash against Target occurred in the lead up to Pride Month in 2023 after the American retailer released its Pride month merchandise, sparking attacks and threats from conservative anti-LGBTQ groups. In May 2024, Target announced that not all stores would carry its 2024 pride collection.”
“Target says it will no longer sell its 2024 Pride Month collection in all of its stores following last year’s conservative backlash over its LGBTQ+-themed merchandise. The retail giant said in a press release last week that it plans to offer its collection of products to celebrate Pride Month … during the month of June both online and in ‘select stores,’ depending on ‘historical sales performance.’”
They’re trying to play it both ways there. “We will still have Pride merch where the queers live, support us! But also look, very bad man, we removed most of it!”
“In a statement to NPR, a spokesperson for the retailer says it is committed to supporting the LGBTQ+ community not only during Pride Month but year-round.”
You actually don’t support us year-round, and you’re not even supporting us during Pride!
“[Target] added that in addition to selling LGBTQ-themed home and food and beverage items, apparel from its Pride collection this year will be tailored to adults. No Pride apparel for children will be sold.”
This is feeding right into the propaganda of trans and queer people as “groomers,” not to mention that trans kids exist and need support more than ever. This shit infuriates me.
It also silos us off to “the queer areas” of the US, but trans and queer people literally live everywhere. And not only that, in the areas where it’s less safe for us to be openly out, big stores selling Pride merch there normalizes our existence in areas that badly need it. And these absolutely giant companies with profits in the billions are mostly protected from bigoted blowback, because bigots are just a very loud but actually small minority.
Doesn’t matter to them. They fear the bigots, probably because the bigots are the constituents of the Republicans that these companies donate to to get their precious lower tax rates.
“Target shifted a less flamboyant collection of Pride Month merchandise back to make room for patriotic, Independence Day displays in-store and Father’s Day online as other major retailers are likewise reducing emphasis on Pride displays and focusing more on other summer shopping holidays…”
Replacing Pride merch with jingoistic items to celebrate our country that’s full of colonialism, genocide, systemic racism, systemic misogyny, systemic transphobia, and more is… so on the nose I’d like to tell the writers of reality that I think a little subtlety might go a long way.
“Tech company IBM and beer brewer Constellation Brands are reportedly among the latest in a wave of corporations retreating from diversity, equity and inclusion policies amid pressure to comply with President Donald Trump’s executive orders gutting DEI and online attacks from conservative influencers.”
“Companies are treading lightly, avoiding prominent campaigns and visible public support. Thirty-nine percent say they plan to scale back public Pride Month engagements this year, according to a survey of more than 200 corporate executives… That includes sponsoring Pride events, posting supportive messages of LGBTQ rights on social media and selling Pride-themed merchandise. Consumer brands are wary of provoking right-wing customers and activists, and they fear reprisals from President Donald Trump’s administration. Federal agencies have threatened to investigate companies with diversity, equity and inclusion programs.”
I’ve noticed, and people have mentioned to me that they’ve seen this too, that companies that do still have Pride merchandise, or that brought it back in any capacity… did so with the classic rainbow pride flag. Many would have no trans pride options, and not even use the progress pride flag that includes trans people. Anything that would even hint that that pink-white-blue combo was simply gone.
This is all anecdotal, sadly, as I couldn’t find any actual reporting on it. But given how little any trans issues are covered at all outside of the bigoted framing of us losing our rights, I shouldn’t be surprised.
One of the places I first noticed this was with Pride merchandise for my beloved Star Trek. I’ve talked about how important Trek is to me in many of these essays, and especially in A TRANS RE-WEDDING, where it was the theme of our entire celebration.
Here’s a little snippet from that RAINBOW CAPITALISM essay on how much having Trek Pride merch actually meant to me.
I got an email from the officialStar Trek shop about their new Pride collection, and I excitedly clicked right over… only to find all of it was only in the classic rainbow Pride flag colors. There were no trans options, or even progress pride options, to be found.
And you can see exactly how that made me feel in the social media post I made immediately after visiting the site:
There were a lot of other trans people who were rightly really upset about us seemingly being removed from the Trek Pride celebration, because we had been part of it before. It felt like erasure.
Multiple people reached out to them about it… apparently a lot of people, several of whom sent me the reply they received.
I truly want to believe this was just an accidental oversight, that the design already had all the approvals (it’s a nice design! I don’t hate it!) and so they used it, and didn’t realize what the lack of trans options would be saying, both based on their past availability and the political climate we’re in. Especially with the slogan “space for everybody.” When you couple that with the seeming removal of trans people, it feels like you don’t believe we’re part of the community.
But you know what would have helped avoid this? Trans people having input on the design and release of your Pride month merchandise. Same as at any company, or any writers room. There are things cis people just aren’t going to see or realize, because they can’t.
Now that absolutely is a form response, because everyone who contacted them and shared their reply with me had identical replies, but… maybe that’s actually a good thing. Because if they were truly getting as many complaints as they say, it would be impossible for them to respond to them all individually. If they’d only received a couple, the replies would have been shorter and unique.
“Across the country, faith leaders and civil rights activists are calling for boycotts, urging Black consumers to redirect their spending to Black-owned businesses or stores and companies that remain committed to DEI.”
And it’s, uh… working. So much so that their CEO even stepped down.
“‘Target is really struggling and does not seem to be able to climb out of the hole it has dug itself into,’ … The company has also faced intense customer backlash for its retreat on some diversity initiatives. Earlier this year, the company ended some of its DEI programs. The decision angered supporters of diversity and inclusion policies, who felt blindsided by Target. Customers online protested Target’s decision, and Target acknowledged its move hurt its sales.”
There are companies who’ve stood up to the fascists and refused to comply by cancelling their DEI programs. They’re showing an actual commitment to doing the right thing, if you can believe it. Here’s a list of twenty-five major companies who pushed back.
“As President Trump and his allies wage war on diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, some companies are refusing to cave. While others like Target, Amazon, Walmart, and McDonald’s have backpedaled under political pressure, these businesses have stood firm. These are the companies committed to recognizing that diversity isn’t a liability — it’s a strength.”
And one of those is my beloved Costco, who I adore not just for their food court pizza (tho that is, like, at least 73% of the reason).
“One of the first companies on the list to announce its commitment, Costco has been applauded for its firm support of its DEI policies. Costco has kept its DEI initiatives, launching training programs focused on unconscious bias and cultural competency, ensuring that employees at all levels are equipped to support an inclusive workplace. …Over 98 percent of Costco’s shareholders voted against a proposed anti-DEI initiative, as the board said it believes ‘our commitment to an enterprise rooted in respect and inclusion is appropriate and necessary.’ This decision has led to widespread support with ‘buy-ins’ taking place across the country…”
Costco was actually one of the very best experiences I ever had in trying to update my membership with my new name, after it had been legally changed. See INCLUSIVE BUREAUCRACY to see just how easy it can be when you actually care.
“Total sales were up 11.6% to $69.2B in FQ3, which was a higher growth rate than other major retailers such as Walmart (WMT), Target (TGT), Best Buy (BBY), and Dollar General (DG) saw with their roughly overlapping earnings reports.”
“Even though Target’s most recent quarterly earnings report was better than expected, comparable sales fell 2.5% and overall revenue plunged 1.5% year over year. And the company is facing huge challenges as consumers broadly reduce their discretionary spending due to financial pressures.”
Ah, but Costco sells gas and Target doesn’t, and gas is super expensive now! Sure. BUT-
“Excluding the impacts from higher gas prices, overall comparable [Costco] sales increased 7.8% in April, while digital comparable sales grew 18.4% for the month.”
“Costco topped revenue forecasts late Thursday, bolstered by higher comparable sales and membership fee income. But earnings for the wholesaler came in below estimates. The report lands amid growing concerns that higher fuel prices and inflation pressures could be stifling consumer spending. Retailers TargetTGT and WalmartWMT earlier this month reported “resilient” consumer spending, partially bolstered by tax refunds and stimulus measures. But those benefits will fade throughout the year, which weighed on their outlooks.”
“…a survey from the consumer analytics firm Numerator has found customer foot traffic and market share have shifted from Target to Costco, particularly among shoppers who say DEI is important. In terms of year-over-year visits, the firm said Target saw nearly 5 million fewer shopping trips during the four weeks ending on February 9. By contrast, Costco saw nearly 7.7 million more visits during the same period.”
“A new poll conducted by GLAAD ahead of Pride Month shows that large majorities of Americans support companies that support Pride as well as politicians who oppose anti-LGBTQ+ attacks. The poll found that 68% of registered voters agreed that companies and brands should be able to show support to the LGBTQ+ community. Additionally, 61% believe public corporate support of the LGBTQ+ community has a positive impact on the community’s acceptance, and 76% are more likely to trust a brand that sticks to its values and stands up for what is right, even if it is controversial.”
And that’s the thing about this entire issue, from the Trek merch site apparently being flooded with complaints to Target profits absolutely cratering, while Costco fought back and now makes even more money than they did before:
And I don’t just mean all queer people, who are a much larger group but still a vast minority compared to all the cishet people in this country.
I mean trans people, and all queer people, and cishet people who actually care about us.
We vastly outnumber the bigots. Two thirds of this country did not vote to put that very bad man in office. Not enough tried to stop him, but that’s a different issue. Most people are not bigots and have no problem with trans people.
Companies supporting us, and standing up for us, actually makes the good two thirds of this country like them more. Why worry about the bigoted third when you could have all of the other two thirds?!
Oh right, tax breaks. A whole lot of good those do you when your profits are in the toilet, tho!
Meanwhile Costco’s over here keeping their integrity and making bank. Supporting us is the morally right thing to do, but even from a naked capitalistic greed standpoint, it’s the right thing to do!
There are more of us than there are of them.
And it’s high time everyone started acting like it.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week I want to discuss a huge change I recently noticed, brought about by transition. But it happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice until it hit me like a cyborg assassin. Let’s talk CONFIDENCE 3: EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF.
I want to begin by saying, despite this being a follow up to CONFIDENCE and CONFIDENCE 2, it’s actually also very much a follow up to GENDER EUPHORIA and HALLOWEEN (and the fear of embracing your true self), but this isn’t releasing anywhere near Halloween and doesn’t really have anything to do with it. But thematically they are very connected, so do check that out.
I’ve said so many times that figuring out I’m trans, and transitioning, has been like “untangling the knot” because it connects to so many aspects of my life. Now, six years into Trans Tuesdays, you’re going to see a few more of these that are follow-ups to multiple previous essays at the same time, because truly it is all connected and things dovetail in fascinating ways.
In that Halloween essay, I talked about my incredible fear of letting anything like makeup or hair dye, or even costumes, anywhere near me, due to the gender feelings I subconsciously knew they’d cause but was in no way equipped to deal with.
And that obviously changed with transition, where I now put makeup on on purpose because I like it, and have even found costumes to wear for that delightful spoopy day.
But I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how much that had changed for me. It’s the whole frog in a pot of boiling water thing, where the temperature increases so gradually they don’t notice until it’s too late. Only this isn’t boiling water, it’s just a big pot of self-acceptance. Also frogs are cool, why is that metaphor even a thing? Leave the frogs alone!
Unless you’re brand new to Trans Tuesdays, you know I am a writer by both choice and profession, which is pretty cool. It should really pay a livable wage though, but our society doesn’t really respect artists, ha ha good times.
I’ve also mentioned that I’m primarily a fiction writer, which is true! Even though I’m somewhat more well-known for my nonfiction writing, like these essays and my book on The Matrix. If you finally get a copy I promise to stop bringing it up all the time!*
We’ve pitched it to people (and for a while it had a showrunner and producer attached, but it then fell apart as these things do), and it’s also used as a writing sample when our manager submits us for writing staff jobs for other shows (such as they are, given the state the industry is in).
In late 2025 we submitted a live reading/performance of it to the Joy Who Lived trans theater festival here in Los Angeles, which is a wonderful, amazing, beautiful breath of trans art completely devoid of any cis gatekeepers making us tone down our stories for their comfort.
It was accepted into the festival, we went through casting and rehearsals, and performed it live (and globally livestreamed) on April 5, 2026. It was professionally filmed, and we were given the video to do whatever we wanted with, and we’ve put it up free for everyone to see. You can watch it right now!
I’m only telling you this because I decided that I was going to be part of this performance, despite the very idea of being on stage petrifying me for the vast majority of my life. I’m not really an actor, I didn’t want to take any of the parts that an actual actor could breathe so much more life into than I could, but I decided I’d be the narrator, reading all the slug lines and action lines in the script. (Slug lines are little headers that tell you when and where the scene is set, “action” lines are everything else that’s not dialogue, regardless of if it’s an “action scene” or “Harper turns on the shower.”)
But I never had stage fright, not really. Like I talked about in HALLOWEEN, it was mostly about the pain and fear of being perceived by people, when I didn’t know how, or want to know how, to play the part of the man they told me I had to be.
I always interpreted it as stage fright, because that’s what I was told it was.
Turns out: nope!
I should mention that I am now at the point where PHOTOS, VOICE, and even video (as discussed in PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP) do not spike my GENDER DYSPHORIA. Those were not the things I was having an issue with. It was being perceived, by so many, all at once and then for all time.
This was the first time I was going to be on a stage in front of an audience since transitioning, and not even just a live audience, but people all over the world could watch the stream, and it was being recorded for posterity. Posterity. Just think of the posterity!
But this wasn’t quite the same. I wasn’t just in a group of people where I’d be talking to one or two at a time and nobody else was paying attention to me. This was a situation where, when I was speaking, all eyes would be on me (conceivably, I’m sure some people were still just watching our amazing actors instead, though I am very pretty and stunning to behold).
And the best way I can convey to you how I felt about that is to show you the costume I picked for myself (keeping in mind this is a sci-fi cyberpunk story that is dramatic but also funny and a little goofy at times, on purpose).
Wellllllll here it is.
Just so we’re clear on what I’m wearing here, that’s a shiny shimmery reflective holographic dress with matching holographic bows in my hair, white fishnet gloves, white fishnet stockings (that were sparkly, though that doesn’t show in the photos super well, you mostly saw the sparkles when I moved), and my buckley white platform boots with reflective hearts on them (which showed up back in FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE).
That is…
Listen.
It’s not a look you put together when you do not want to be perceived.
That is a look that screams here I am now give me my spotlight please.
Which, especially if you know me in person, is actually very much on brand for me. 😌
I was excited to do this, to be on stage and perform my art for everyone. And to be seen.
Because I’m not just comfortable with who I am, I don’t just like who I am, I love and have fully embraced who I am.
It’s not quite who I ever thought I’d be, but it’s the real me that was in there all along and I love her. I love me.
I had z e r o anxiety leading up to the day.
Even on the day of the show, my only nervousness came from the fact that I had so much to read, and sometimes I stumble over reading aloud due to my dyslexia (yes, I have dyslexia and dyscalculia, you can have those and still be a writer! I am living proof! The proof is in my living!). And I did trip up in some spots during rehearsals.
I tweaked the wording of some lines to make them less likely to cause me problems, but even still it happened. If you watch the video above (and I hope you do and hope you love it, we’d like to make it a real show someday!), you’ll find a small handful of spots where I stumbled over what I was saying. I’m mad that they’re there, in spite of all my rehearsing, but also I know I did my best and that’s okay.
In any case, I was completely taken aback by this total lack of worry or concern. If I had to give a presentation in front of fifteen kids in high school speech class, I was a wrecked shell of a human for two weeks leading up to it. Because I would be perceeeeeiiiived.
And what I realized in doing this show, in pulling together my outfit for it, in every aspect of it and the absolute rush of joy it gave me both during and right after, is that I really, truly, absolutely want to be perceived.
I’m here! I’m finally here, in all my real true glory (yes I am glorious, shut up!). And I want you to see me! Which is a bit of what happened in that first CONFIDENCE essay, and this is that, but more.
So much more!
Because I have, without realizing, so fully and truly embraced my true self and who I am, and spent so long closed off from the entire world, isolated and alone due to GENDER DYSPHORIA, that it feels so incredibly life-affirming to be seen and perceived in this way. It’s GENDER EUPHORIA on a whole new level, above and beyond what I thought was possible.
Give me that spotlight! Look, look, everyone look! See me. Let me show you this amazing person I really am, and how much I love me, because I want you to love who I am, too.
And maybe my being in such a ludicrously shining outfit will make that spotlight reflect back toward you. And if you can see that I can love myself this much, then you can love yourself this much, too.
Find out who you really are. Embrace that person with your whole heart, and truly live your one precious, fragile, fleeting life that you have to live.
And whenever you’re ready, step into that spotlight.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we dive into what happens when trans women actually call out those responsible for fetishizing us, and look at where this all comes from. You won’t believe it… but then again, maybe you will. Here’s CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN 2: REACTIONS AND ORIGINS.
And it’s important that you do understand that, so you comprehend the extent of the problem. We’re not just being overly sensitive, or “emotional women” who blow things out of proportion. And if you think that means there’s a misogynistic component to all this, you’re absolutely right.
But it’s not just misogyny, it’s also transphobia. What we’re discussing is the intersection of the two: transmisogyny. Just like the good TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY that we must continually strive for and push to make happen, trans women sit at the intersection of those two bigotries and it affects us in unique ways.
This is not in any way condoning or minimizing the sexualization and harassment that cis women face. It’s disgusting, it’s awful, and it’s wrong. But so is transmisogyny, and the fetishization of trans women is where it’s important that we talk about the differences.
While trans women and cis women share in a lot of the same abuse from the same people, what trans women experience is also different and it’s so important to talk about that. Because if we don’t, people don’t know. This isn’t just garden variety sexism, it goes so much deeper.
After a particular bout of bad chasers, I made a short and incredibly straightforward social media post.
I posted this across all social media that I’m on, because again, on all of them chasers are a problem, to different degrees.
This time, it was the fediverse/mastodon that collectively lost its shit. I got so much equivocation from so many people.
Many were along the lines of, “um more than cis white men are sexual harassers actually.” When I certainly never said they were the only offenders, I was just specifically talking to them.
That is… clearly not what I said. At all. I got a lot of those. Eventually I felt compelled to respond.
And then I got a lot of, “Um actually, cis women get sexually harassed too.” Which is like saying “all lives matter” in response to “Black lives matter,” y’know? Yes all women get sexually harassed and yes all lives matter, but we are talking about a specific issue and we need you to listen.
If the last line of my reply there pulled you up short… keep reading.
These are just some of the examples I thought to screencap, but there were so many more. There were some that enraged me so much that I entirely forgot about screencaps entirely… like the dude who suggested I “should not speak for all trans women because some of them probably like it,” the “it” there being sexual harassment.
But I do have my reply to him.
Because what it came down to, for these folks, was that a trans woman could not talk about one specific problem that affects her, and the cause of it, without people rushing in to make false equivalencies and excuses for why we do not need to talk about exactly that.
If you don’t think a whole lot of that is wrapped up in our societal implicit (and often very explicit!) transmisogyny, you’re not really paying attention. Society teaches us all continually to not believe women, and to not trust trans people, and thus to not believe or trust trans women. Please, again, see IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA if you do not understand.
But the flip side of that is that our society also implicitly tells us that cis white men are the best thing there is to be. They are to be held in esteem, respected…defended. No matter what. They cannot be wrong! Look at how impossible it is to actually prosecute sex crimes in this country. Look at how cis white men can get away with millions of things anyone of any other race or gender combo simply cannot. Because the cis white men in power will excuse themselves, and punish everyone else… for the very things they themselves are doing.
If this sounds a whole lot like the Republican tactic of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender), where the bigoted people in power accuse everyone else of doing the thing they themselves are doing in an effort to obscure their own actions, there’s a very good reason.
Their supporters famously concocted the “Pizzagate” “scandal” about Democrats running a child sex trafficking ring out of the basement of a pizza shop… that didn’t have a basement.
It is no coincidence that Pizzagate sprung up during 2016, the first time Trump was elected. Because guess who’s mentioned in the Epstein files (about an actual child sex trafficking ring perpetrated by… the world’s richest cis white men!) more than ONE THOUSAND TIMES.
“As trans people see their rights eroded by the Trump administration, written news coverage of the trans community is dominated by a single outlet, the New York Times. Among the major news outlets we tracked, the Times had by far the most stories mentioning the trans community, and the lowest percentage of stories that quoted a trans person.”
Also… yes, of course more than just Republicans use DARVO. Any cis man in power will use it, a lot! But this is not about all cis men, it’s about a specific subset at the root of the problem we’re talking about. The white ones.
Because Republicans are the ones working so hard to take all trans rights away. Some of them don’t even hide it. Let me bring back this one incredibly bizarre chaser example from CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN part 1:
And this is where I explain the last line of my social media post above:
“I am talking about cis white men who are chasers and have orchestrated the entire anti-trans movement.”
Here’s a document released in the Epstein files, that I really need you to read. It’s not one of the ones with the worst, most awful details about what those horrendous people did to children, but it’s really important.
I am… horrified and disgusted to have to share this. But I have to.
“Trivers was a key figure within Epstein’s circle regarding Epstein’s interest in funding “research” about transgender people.”
Maybe they were just horndogs! You’re reading into things, Tilly! Was Trivers really that bad? Well in addition to his crackpot theory that finger length determined transness, there’s this choice quote.
“Notably, in 2015, Trivers was interviewed by Reuters about his financial relationship with Epstein, saying that the financier remained a friend even despite his allegations of sexual abuse of a minor. “Did he get an easy deal? Did he buy himself a light sentence? Well, yes, probably, compared to what you or I would get, but he did get locked up,” Trivers told the publication at the time, adding, “By the time they’re 14 or 15, they’re like grown women were 60 years ago, so I don’t see these acts as so heinous,” he said.”
“In one email, Trivers pulled off the Triple Crown of transphobia. He is clearly a chaser who wants to use his status as a researcher to naturalize his own sexual appetites. … Epstein explicitly funded Trivers’ work on trans people…”
When you go back to that email from Trivers to Epstein that I included, they are literally talking about making trans women so that they can sexually subjugate us. They despise trans people, but feel because we are “feminized men” they can dominate us and literally treat us like sex slaves. Now you see why they call us “shemales” and “femboys.” The emphasis is on the part of us that they identify as “male.”
To force us into sex work to get access to our hormones and other transition care. Doctors used to do this to trans women all the time, mind you. See TRANSMEDICALISM (and WPATH version 1) for more.
“Dr. Jess Ting is a plastic surgeon and surgical director of Mount Sinai’s Center for Transgender Medicine and Surgery in New York City. He is a pioneer in the field of vaginoplasty, having innovated the peritoneal vaginoplasty technique for transfemme bottom surgeries.
He’s also all over the Epstein files.
His name appears in the files over 900 times, though many of these are emails in which the surgeon is CCed or on a longer email chain with other people. There are no implications that Ting engaged in any malfeasance or criminal activity related to Epstein’s international pedophile ring, but it’s clear that the two had a personal and professional relationship with each other that lasted past the time Epstein was initially charged with sex-related crimes.”
She was mocked by the press, the story a sensational “shock” about her gender and not the assault she survived.
“…with a transphobic smear campaign… In 2007, it was seen as acceptable to call a trans victim’s testimony into question. Why? Because trans people were still seen as “crazy,” as people who were lying about their gender, and potentially everything else. At a time when trans people weren’t seen as reliable narrators of their own stories or bodies, Cordero’s bravery was shunned, mocked, and shamed.”
“Lawrence Krauss, Richard Dawkins, Steven Pinker and other anti-trans influencers personally benefited from a right-wing academic social group backed by infamous human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, sometimes meeting at his island.”
The rise of transphobia and the fetishization of trans women are inextricably linked, because they were all orchestrated at a societal level by the same people.
“What is new is that, starting around 2015—in the wake of increased trans visibility in the media (sometimes called the “transgender tipping point”) and the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell legalizing same-sex marriage—social conservatives began shifting their efforts toward targeting trans people instead. The attacks have since grown into a highly coordinated and well–funded movement that churns out both anti-trans and broader anti-LGBTQ legislation at unprecedented levels. This is the real reason why Republicans have become obsessed with “fairness in women’s sports,” “biological sex,” “social contagion,” “restrooms,” “grooming,” and other soundbites that didn’t exist ten or fifteen years ago. In other words, there hasn’t been an organic shift in public opinion on trans people but rather a massive astroturfing campaign against us.”
“Trans porn’s popularity appears to be in keeping with the general trends of the past few years. Last year, searches for “trans” grew 141%, with views of the trans category growing by 23%. In 2017, Pornhub also published a report specifically on the popularity of trans porn; for the most part, and for better or worse, it found that the popularity of trans porn has been steadily increasing since the mid-2010s.
This particular bump in the popularity of trans porn, in addition to last year’s growth, is of course happening at the same time that lawmakers have introduced the highest number of anti-trans and general anti-LGBTQ+ bills in history. That these two occurrences are simultaneous is probably no coincidence. Last year, an Alabama republican lawmaker who voted to criminalize doctors who provide minors with transition-related healthcare was caught liking trans porn on Twitter. And a study from Lawsuit.org additionally found that Google users in Republican states are overwhelmingly responsible for the popularity of certain trans-related porn search terms, like “shemale” and “tranny.””
“With more than 4.7 Million transgender porn related Google searches each month (per Ahrefs.com), do Republicans represent those searching most? The answer seems to be a clear YES. … In fact, the more Republican they are, the more they seem to like it.”
There is a ton of good data in the above linked article, like this:
Top 20 Most Transgender Porn Obsessed Metro Areas Wichita Falls TX & Lawton, OK Atlanta, GA Denver, CO Nashville, TN Sioux Falls, SD Paducah, KY Minneapolis, MN Little Rock, AR Lexington, KY Bismarck, ND Amarillo, TX Lincoln, NE Oklahoma City, OK Charleston, WV Indianapolis, IN Springfield, MA Dallas, TX Memphis, TN Richmond, VA Kansas City, MO
And these… illuminating graphs.
The demographic that consumes the most trans porn is also older…
“Looking at the popularity of trans porn compared to other age groups, we found the 18-24 age group was –22% as likely to watch trans porn as other demographics. The next age group, 25-34, was –1% as likely to watch it. After that, the older people get, the more likely they are to watch trans porn. It rises from +4% in the 35-44 age group to +21% for the 65+ age group.“
“…boomers take the crown as the age group who consumes the most transgender videos on Pornhub. Isn’t it ironic how the generation that speaks out against trans rights happens to be the biggest fan of the genre? The call is always coming from inside the house!”
What you have to understand is these right-wing men have bought into the lie of what a man is “supposed” to be, and it’s made them miserable. Trans people prove you don’t actually have to listen to anyone who tells you who you have to be, you can be your true self and be happy.
Trans women were collectively “gifted” with being labeled cis males at birth, and society says that’s the best thing anyone can be. And we’ve collectively said:
NAH.
And to them, that means their misery is their own fault, for buying into the lies. They can’t have that!
So they gotta call us men while at the same time hating their own attraction to us (because we’re not men!) and that comes out in the form of fetishization and dehumanization.
We are just things to be used and worth nothing more to them, all so they can feel still in control of who they are and what the world is.
The evidence is incontrovertible, really. It’s all right there in front of you if you bother to look.
Do the chasers in my DMs know they’re doing what Epstein and Trivers and so many others wanted? Likely not. Chasers have existed for as long as trans women have.
But those dudes know it benefits them, as cis white men, because it was originated to do exactly that. These right wing bigots idolize their rich figureheads, which is where they learned (albeit often implicitly) to treat trans women as nothing more than dehumanized sex objects.
The fetishization of trans women is wrapped up in all of that, as is THE ERASURE OF TRANS MEN, which is pointedly done because their existence refutes everything these terrible white cis men stand for.
It’s all connected.
Stop doing the work of bigoted racist transmisogynist ultra rich cis white men, and treat us like actual human beings.
And if you don’t start seeing it, and believing trans women when we talk about it, things are only going to get worse.
If you want to make things better, you need to start by listening when we tell you what our experiences are.
Not “correcting” us, not “but all women”-ing us, not “but all cis men”-ing us.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Last year I did something I’d kind of wanted to do for my entire life, but it felt closed off to me. But now it wasn’t. And what I found was something truly remarkable. This is about RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE. But it’s also about ROLLER DERBY.
Let me start by saying that this topic is not the same thing that I talked about in WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE. They’re related, and if you’re cis, that one will give you a good frame of reference on where to start. But radical trans acceptance goes to a new level entirely.
I’ve mentioned this in a lot of these essays, most notably in BODY HACKING, but I’ve always been into sports and, for a long time now, exercising. It was the first thing I did to start my transition and make my body feel like it was mine.
I mean… look! (go ahead, I’m proud!)
I’ve worked really hard for a really long time to build strength and make my body look like that. I don’t say this to brag (though I am super proud!), but so you know that this is something that’s been really important to me.
I was really into sports as a kid, and that alone was one of the (many) reasons I struggled to understand my transness. Yes yes girls can like sports, but boys are “supposed to,” and the entire world told me I was a boy. So if I liked a thing boys were supposed to like… I must be a boy, right? Nevermind all those things “for girls” that I also liked, nobody could ever know about those! To be a perceived boy who likes girly things is to be mocked and punished by society, by your family, by your friends. THE FALSE DICHOTOMY is insidious.
But here’s the thing about sports, especially when you participate in them as a perceived boy: regardless of how much you like the sport itself, the culture around it is almost invariably toxic. It’s kind of a nightmare.
You’re ridiculed if you don’t know something about the sport, you’re made fun of if you’re not great at the sport, you’re derided by your fellow athletes and even your coaches if you’re not just holy crap the best there ever was. It was fucking awful.
I was on the track and cross-country teams for a few years in high school, and the head coach, one of the school’s PE teachers, mocked me for being slow. Never mind I had undiagnosed asthma, never mind I had knee problems. I came in last in every race and that meant I was terrible and worthy of mockery.
I switched high schools after my sophomore year because my family moved, and my experiences in sports at the first school were so bad that I didn’t join any at my new high school. One of my friends at my old school, who was still on the track and cross-country teams after I left, said the coach used to yell at whoever was coming in last, “Don’t be a Bridges!”
How could any kid not like that, right? It’s a mystery.
I tried out for my first high school’s baseball team, and despite wildly different conditions that nobody had ever played baseball in before, I was summarily cut after one ten second drill I had no hope of completing. I talked more about that in THE FALSE DICHOTOMY so do read that if you haven’t yet.
I might have tried out for my second high school’s volleyball team… if they had one. They did not! And my first school only had volleyball for girls, and nobody knew I was one, so I couldn’t access that either.
You see this same toxic culture around sports (which is invariably wrapped up in toxic masculinity) in every professional men’s sport there is. Coaches yell at players, players routinely mock and deride opponents… seeing respect for both the people on your team and your opponents, and for the sport itself, is so rare. When I’d see players from different teams being kind and respectful of each other it’d almost make me tear up. It shouldn’t be rare! It shouldn’t be that way!
What I’m getting at is while I very much loved a lot of sports, it sure seemed like sports didn’t love me.
I don’t know if girls’ sports in high school (or younger) are less toxic. I hope they are, but that’s an experience I just didn’t get to have.
That’s a whole lot of set up to get you to this point: I’d always thought roller derby looked cool as fuck (and that’s because it is). But it is, generally, not something you think of cis men participating in.
There may be some leagues that expressly forbid it, I don’t know, but there are some where cis dudes are allowed. But even then, they’re the vast minority. It is mostly seen as a “women’s sport,” and for the same reasons of toxic masculinity, that alone is going to keep a lot of cis men away.
…the sport disappeared in the late 1970s, before women in Austin, Texas, revived derby in the early 2000s. And while pre-revival derby included both men and women’s teams, post-revival derby centred around women. Last year in Autostraddle, Gabrielle Grace Hogan termed derby “a sport with no true male equivalent, where the women’s leagues are the leagues.”
And the fact that the sport’s resurgence has been driven by, overseen by, and run by women is, I think, why it’s as inclusive as it is now.
…derby’s status as an underground, feminist sport, means that it attracts misfits. …many of their fellow skaters, who talk about not fitting into gym classes, or feeling uncomfortable in single-gender sports. … Queer people historically flocked to derby, which developed a reputation as an LGBTQ2S+-friendly sport. Indeed, derby names—the often-cocky, always-playful alter egos adopted by derby players—were inspired by drag queens and their drag names.
A New York county’s law banning transgender women from playing on female sports teams at county-run parks and recreational facilities has been halted for now.
A state appeals court on Wednesday barred Nassau County from enforcing the ban while a legal challenge brought on behalf of a local women’s roller derby league plays out.
Can you imagine if a sport with more visibility and money behind it had done this? What the impact of, say, the WNBA doing this would be? Dang. Now imagine the impact of the MNBA or any men’s league doing it! And why does the men’s sport not have to mention gender? So I’m gonna call ‘em the MNBA, because THERE IS NO DEFAULT TYPE OF HUMAN.
But the WNBA and MNBA, and all the other pro sports, have corporate interests and backers likely pressuring them to not “be political” under threat of losing sponsorships and funding. And this is also part of what makes roller derby different, because it’s not a giant corporation.
Every roller derby league is different, and invariably there are some who aren’t great about inclusion, but largely it’s incredibly queer and trans accepting. I knew that going in… or I thought I did. But I really wasn’t prepared for the actuality of it.
But last summer a good friend of mine had gotten some info about our local derby league, and they had a training session coming up that ran once a week, from August to December. She said she was gonna give it a go, and asked if I wanted to join her. I may have mentioned my interest in it at some point prior.
And I was instantly kind of thrilled at the idea, but also scared. Because I’d had such rough experiences in sports before, and also I’d never participated in any since coming out as trans. I’d never gotten to play any sport as me.
I also hadn’t been on skates since I was a kid, and I had no safety gear. But the league has loaner gear people can use for as long as it takes them to get their own, and they were open to people of all skill levels… even people who’d never skated before.
And see, right there, I was shocked at how different that was. No sport I’d ever encountered in my life welcomed new folks with literally zero ability, at least not once you’re more than five years old.
But alllllllso, so many people will say they “welcome people of any skill level,” and they don’t really mean it. They just want to seem welcoming. It’s akin to PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP and FALSE ALLYSHIP, although I literally worried about that too. Because how welcoming would they really be to a 6’1” muscular trans woman?
And here’s a full-contact sport where cis women and trans women play together, and we’re accepted?! The hell you say.
I went to the first session, when it was like 90 degrees outside… in makeup.
I normally only wear makeup for me, when I want to. But I will also wear it anytime I’m going to meet new people, in the hopes it helps them gender me correctly. See MISGENDERING AND PASSING for more on that.
Some people wear makeup to derby all the time! That’s cool. But that’s not something I would generally do, because I sweat like if my body does not expel all this moisture right now I will surely drown. I’m like a waterfall.
I was so scared, honestly. I only knew one other person there, my friend who invited me. And I was sure I would be the least skilled person on skates. And maybe one of only two trans people! I was honestly wracked with anxiety.
And best way to convey to you how it went was:
I went back again the following week. Without any makeup on.
There had to be at least as many trans and queer people there (including the coaches) as there were cishet people. Honestly, it was probably more. Trans/nonbinary people and queer people seemed to be… the majority? Is that even possible?
It sure as fuck was, friends.
And they were the most supportive, kindest, welcoming group of people I’ve maybe ever met.
Nobody yelled at you or made fun of you for things you couldn’t do. Nobody said you were so bad you’d better just quit. Though I was certifiably terrible, nobody once said I shouldn’t be there, or that I was a disgrace to the sport.
I’m one of (if not the) tallest person in the entire class of newbies (“freshies”). I’m very visibly trans.
Nobody said I didn’t belong there, or had an unfair advantage. Nobody made me feel like this was something I couldn’t do, despite the fact that after that first session I actually thought to myself… there’s no way I will ever be able to do this.
But the vibes were so impeccable, and I had so much fun, that I wanted to keep going (despite how many times I fell and all the terrible bruises that would ruin my sleep for a week). Because here’s the thing…
They made me feel like they would definitely help me improve if I worked at it, but also (and maybe more importantly?) even if I never improved or got any better at all, I was still welcome. This large lumbering trans woman who wouldn’t know dexterity if it flipped over and slapped her in the face, was truly welcome there.
Regardless of my skill. Regardless of my size. Regardless of my gender.
There are people in this derby league of every skill level. The people have a wide variety of genders, body types, ages, ethnicities, and more. It’s the most inclusive space I’ve ever been in, and quite possibly the most supportive one, too.
Nobody yelled at me if I got overheated during 95 degree practices and needed to sit in the shade to cool for a minute. Nobody stops you from getting water whenever you need it. Nobody says “wow this really isn’t for you.”
The coaches pushed me out of my comfort zone, which I needed, but they did it with kindness and support. They taught me things I never thought I could understand, and they helped lessen my frustration with compassion. They’d stop me before going out on the rink and fasten my helmet for me if I’d forgotten to, to make sure I was safe.
The first thing they teach you is actually how to fall safely. And they’ll never put you in a dangerous situation (like in a derby bout with people much more advanced than you). Safety is a huge priority.
I stayed through the whole freshie session, worked as hard as I could in the limited time I have (we are just so busy over here). I even picked my derby name: Captain Painway! As a huge Trekkie and one half of the team writing the Star Trek Voyager: Homecoming comic, it was too good to pass up. My friend Richard actually mentioned the name to me years ago and said if I ever did derby, that should so obviously be my derby name. And he was perfectly correct.
And at the end of the session… all the freshies got to play in our first-ever real roller derby bout.
The coaches made the teams, breaking us up into somewhat even groups based on skill level, height, etc. I was on the Milky Way Maulers, and I was… well really excited, but also nervous as all fuck. But I could not wait to get into an actual bout, because I’d not gotten to compete at any sport since high school, and since never as myself.
And please note not only the trans-pride color theme on that poster, but that the event raised money for a trans charity. Amazing!
Derby players make signs with their name and numbers to hang on the rink during bouts they’re in. Here’s mine! (made with a lot of help from my lovely wife Susan)
See, it looks like the top of a Voyager Starfleet uniform, only with pink instead and red and hearts instead of rank pips… I am a Very Large varietal of Nerd.
The bout was livestreamed, and I had friends watching from all over the country! One of them took a screengrab during my intro:
I’ve got a lot of great photos from the game, because there’s a pro photographer who often comes to these to get shots during bouts, so let’s see ‘em! Photos by @oldhcdude on insta!
I’m not gonna get into all the rules of the game here, but each team votes to give awards to players from the opposing team. And somehow… I won most valuable jammer?! (in any photo where you see a star on my helmet, I was the jammer… the only person who can score points for a team during a jam).
I don’t understand how this is possible?! I felt like I struggled so much in my first jam, which I also spent 30 seconds of in the penalty box! (this penalty was later contested and the coaches had to confer with the refs, it was a whole thing)
Look! It’s a little stuffed astronaut to go with the bout’s space theme?!
There’s even a video of them announcing my win. You can see my total and entire shock! (and the way I tower over everyone else standing there, that’s some trans girl reality for you)
And people watching on my discord even got me a Bout Shout (little messages the announcer says during the game and a little note you get after)! My heart.
A week after this bout, we had our final evaluations. And despite winning MVJ for my team, I… tanked them. I was just awful. And I’m frustrated and annoyed that I’m not better than I am, but the coaches were nothing but supportive in letting me know I still have to work on my balance and my leg strength and I need to take the freshie class again.
This is actually fairly normal. One of the coaches said she had to take it twice. It just takes the time it takes, and that’s different for all of us. A lot of my freshie class will be taking it again right along with me. And some advanced!
And even if I never make it to an A level team, or even the B or C teams, even if I somehow end up stuck as a freshie for life… I don’t care. And neither does anyone else! I mean the coaches are wonderful and want to help you improve, and they are! My point is just there’s no pressure about it, from any angle, and that’s so wonderfully refreshing.
2025 was so emotionally difficult due to all the increasing legislative transphobia, and derby saved me. It gave me a couple hours every week where I had to focus so hard on what I was doing that I literally could not worry about, much less even think about, all the other horrors in the world.
It let my nervous system reset. It made me feel welcome and supported.
It made me feel at home.
And now I’m determined to get better. I’m carving out more time from my week to go and practice skills on my own, because I know I need it. And because in one freshie session, this has gone from a fun thing I did once a week to something that’s really important to me. And I wanna Git Gud.
If you want to follow my “in character” reports of each derby practice and sort of chart my progress, you can see them on my Bluesky (view by “Latest” and you can see them in reverse chronological order). I’ll also update this essay over time, with milestones as I achieve them.
But in the background on a lot of those photos from the bout, do you see what’s behind us? If you go back to the pic of me waving during my introduction, you can see all of them together up at the top of the pic, hanging from the fence around the skating rink.
It’s a row of motherfucking pride flags.
I didn’t ask them to hang those up. Nobody did. Just as part of setting up the rink for the event, the league itself chose to hang all those pride flags on the rink. Facing not just the derby track, but all the spectators who were sitting on the other half of the rink to watch the derby bouts.
Do you even realize how radical that is? Like, it shouldn’t be! This should just be how it is, to show you accept, support, and welcome people of all genders and orientations.
When was the last time you saw any professional sport that did this? The closest we usually get is one “Pride night” or something, and that’s it (and those reek of RAINBOW CAPITALISM).
Yes, my league (SFV Roller Derby) sells stickers and shirts and merch in trans pride colors… but they sell it all year round. They hang these pride flags at every event. And, most importantly, the league is full of actual trans and nonbinary people.
I mean look at this, right from the front page of their website!
It goes even further, because I’ve discovered there are some leagues that SFVRD won’t play… because those leagues are full of TERFs. Which just goes to show you bad people are everywhere and not all derby leagues are this inclusive, even if many or most are.
But they won’t play any leagues or teams that are not trans-inclusive. Because that supports and condones trans exclusion, and also because it’s not safe for trans SFVRD members.
This is, again, radical, even though it should be the norm.
SFVRD shows they’ve got my back, and the backs of every single person who joins. They don’t care if you’re trans or cis, experienced or new, short or tall, fat or thin, old or young. They support everyone.
There are a lot of trans women and nonbinary folks in roller derby. There are trans men in roller derby, too! In fact one of them was in my Freshie class at SFVRD and we became friends! His name’s Theo, and he’s my guest on the podcast version of this essay!
And, largely, it’s the entire sport that’s like this. Remember the WFTDA, the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association? On January 19, 2026, they posted the following to their Instagram account:
How huge is that?! Like… holy shit. A simple, kind act that will mean so much to so many, and it comes from a place of wanting people to feel included. And they want trans and nonbinary people to help ensure it’s done right, and not only mentioned that cis people exist, but that there were plenty of them on the committee already.
All of sports, and in fact the entire world, should be paying attention. Learn the lesson.
And I want to take a second to send a very special thanks to my SFV instructors, Nova, Tati, and Xena, each of whom helped me in different ways, and were the best coaches a lady could ever ask for.
I don’t know if your local roller derby league is one of the good ones, but if everything I’ve talked about in any way sounds intriguing to you, you owe it to yourself to find out. Regardless of your skill, experience, age, race, gender, body type, or transness.
In a world that is so openly hostile to trans people, especially trans women, it is truly the platonic ideal of radical acceptance.
I was an NSO (non-skating official) for the first time, to help out with one of our league’s home games. They try to schedule one of these per month, which right now is just everyone in the entire league (who’s not a freshie) split into two teams. Since that leaves a whole lot less people to help out (as opposed to when only the A, B, or C teams play their respective team in another league), they need all hands on deck. So I signed up to help with scorekeeping!
One of the two jam refs was assigned to me, and she communicated how many points the jammer she’s assigned to got on each pass around the track. And then I note it on a score sheet and keep a running tally, along with other things like if that jammer got Lead status, lost lead status, called off the jam (if they were lead), the jam ended due to injury, or there was a star pass to the pivot. It’s a lot to take in all at once, but it was fun and I think I did okay! And after the bout, when the awards were being given out, there were also awards for officials… and I won the one for NSOs?! Apparently it was for learning scorekeeping on the fly, during the bout as it happened, because there wasn’t time to get me prepped. Awww.
I… don’t have anything to use a lighter for other than candles, so I shall light every candle with it until it becomes a trophy on the shelf next to my stuffed astronaut MVJ trophy.
ADDENDUM 6/7/26
I skated with my league in the West Hollywood Pride parade! It was… really something else. What a joy.
ADDENDUM 6/25/26
I’ve officially progressed out of Freshies and have been cleared to join the big kids! Ahhhh! It took me 52 sessions across official practices and solo skill work, approximately 2 hours each, to move up. That’s so much work! Here’s a selfie from every practice I went to, both official and on my own! They’re in reverse chronological order, newest at the top left, oldest at the bottom right.
ADDENDUM 6/29/26
Just had my first advanced practice with the big kids. I was just as terrified as I was on my first day of the Freshie program, and also just like that day… I wonder if I truly will ever be able to do this. But I’m sure as hell gonna try and give it all I got.
(ow my everything hurts)
ADDENDUM 7/25/26
I played in my first real derby bout!! As part of moving up to advanced practice, I got placed on one of our home teams… these are teams made up of everyone who’s scrimmage-cleared in our league, divided into two teams so we can have bouts when there aren’t any travel games scheduled (and so people who aren’t on a travel team can still have real bouts to play in). I’m on the Balboa Lake Monsters!
It was so great! I did… okay at blocking, I think? Even though some of our A-level players are like superheroes and trying to block them feels like trying to stop a river with a pebble. Bout photos once again by the amazing @oldhcdude on IG.
I even got to jam a few times! I didn’t think I would, since this is my first real bout ever, but they put me in for three jams and I loved every second of it! I only scored four points across all three jams, but given it was my first bout and there are so many people so much better and further along their derby journeys than me, that feels pretty great.
What didn’t feel great was this huge hit I took that bruised my clavicle and sent me sprawling to the ground. To be clear, I am not mad! It was a great hit, and Bowie is one of our best A-level players.
But also it hurt so bad I think my soul left my body.
It was a really magical thing, though. I’m so glad my wife and I came back early from SDCC so I didn’t have to miss this!
Oh! And OldHCdude actually made a video compilation of some of my bout photos, it’s so cool! He’s the best.
ADDENDUM 7/26/26
Today was travel team tryouts!
Well, to be clear, travel team tryouts are twice a year and these were the first ones I was cleared to participate in. I chose to only try out for the C-level team, because I know where my skills are at. Also I dunno if I ever actually want to go higher than that, because I now practice (and played in a home teams bout with) players at B-level and A-level, and it’s very intimidating and kinda scary! They’re all so good.
In any case, these tryouts being the day after my very first bout, which was after three days of sleep deprivation and way too much walking at SDCC (and I’d slept like shit at home the two days before that), coupled with it being 95 degrees out… made this so tough. I feel like I did not do nearly as well as I’d hoped, and I’m really disappointed. It may have been the best I could presently do under all of those circumstances, but it wasn’t at all how I hoped I’d do. If I don’t make it, I can try again in December for the 2027 travel teams. I’m still waiting for the results, so we’ll see.
ADDENDUM 7/28/26 Autostraddle picked up this original essay for their print magazine! It’s in issue 3, all on queer and trans sports! It’s been revised for print, and because I can’t link to other essays in the middle (print is so rude that way). Check it out and order a copy here!
ADDENDUM 7/30/26
I most definitely did not make it onto a travel team. I’m disappointed, but I also know I’m still super new to advanced practices and still have so much to learn.
Next tryouts are in December! I’m gonna work my ass off before then and we’ll see what happens!
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we continue with more hard data on trans life in THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS, part 4! We’ve got satisfaction rates, numbers on detransitioners, and mental health!
A quick warning before we get into things: there will be some discussion of suicide rates and prevalence, and where that stems from in regards to trans people, as that’s one of the things the survey got a lot of data on.If that will be difficult for you, you may want to skip this essay.
All right, let’s dive in.
60% of respondents reported undergoing some form of medical transition, including hormones or surgeries. 88% of respondents expressed a desire for gender-affirming hormone therapy, but only 56% reported ever receiving hormone therapy. Among those who have started hormone therapy, 90% were currently taking hormones, indicating a high prevalence of continuation.
Oh shit, almost like it really works well for its intended purpose huh?
29% of respondents reported receipt of at least one gender-affirming surgery. 98% of respondents taking GAHT reported that taking GAHT made them more satisfied with their lives, and 97% of respondents who underwent gender-affirming surgery reported their surgery made them more satisfied with their lives.
NINETY-FUCKING-SEVEN PERCENT SATISFACTION RATE. Are you even kidding with these claims that it’s harmful? No other medical interventions or procedures have that high a satisfaction rate! Not even close.
But what about detransitioners? So glad you asked.
All respondents currently identified as trans and nonbinary, but 9% had gone back to living as their sex assigned at birth at least for a little while at some point in their lives due to challenges related to social acceptance.
Emphasis is mine there, but bigoted cis people are the reason for those 9% who detransitioned.
Respondents primarily reported social and structural reasons for living as their sex assigned at birth. For example, the most common reason was that it was “just too hard to be transgender in [their] community.” Other common reasons included pressure from a parent and experiencing too much harassment or discrimination.
Bigoted cis people making our lives miserable. The biggest hurdle we face.
But what about people who detransition because they’re not actually trans? Shouldn’t we worry about them and make transition care harder to access? For their safety, never mind the horrible impact putting more barriers between actual trans people and our transition care causes, I guess?
Of all respondents who had medically transitioned, only 0.36% went back to living in their sex assigned at birth at least for a while because gender transition was not for them.
Zero Point Three Six Percent !
Not even half of one percent! Should detransitioners who are not actually trans, and are cis people who made a mistake, or are trans but discover transition isn’t right for them, be supported? Absolutely. Should their mistake be held against the 99.64% of people who are trans and need it?
AB-SO-LUTE-LY NOT.
For those trans and nonbinary people who needed access to abortion-related care:
37% were unable to find abortion providers who knew about trans healthcare
And because they were trans:
I didn’t feel welcome in an abortion providers office/clinic – 79% Provider used harsh or abusive language – 38% I was verbally harassed by staff or others at the provider’s office – 32% Provider refused – 24% Provider was physically rough with me – 15%
I want to point out this wasn’t them seeking abortion-related care from places who won’t provide abortions for a multitude of bad reasons, this was them going to abortion-care providers who you’d think would be more accepting of trans people. But even there, we see transphobia is a huge issue that cannot be escaped.
Let’s take a look at some data about trans people and our mental health.
44% of respondents met the criteria for serious psychological distress, compared to less than 4% of the general U.S. population. A majority (81%) of respondents indicated that they felt down, depressed or hopeless at least several days over the past two weeks (prior to taking the survey). Three-quarters (77%) reported little interest or pleasure in doing things at least several of the days over the past two weeks (prior to taking the survey).
Look at what societal transphobia does to us. We experience over TEN TIMES MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTRESS than the general population!
I pale at the thought of where those numbers are in 2025.
In the year prior to the survey, 38% of respondents considered suicide. Of those who considered suicide, 41% made corresponding plans. These numbers are dramatically higher than the general population’s at 5% and 1% respectively. Victimization, such as being verbally harassed, denied equal treatment or service for any reason, such as at a place of business, government agency, or public place, or physically attacked, was associated with greater suicidality.
31% of those who had no victimization considered suicide in the past year, compared to 50% for those who were verbally harassed, 53% for those who were denied equal treatment, and 63% for those who were physically assaulted. 78% of respondents considered suicide and 40% attempted suicide at some point in their lifetime. These statistics far exceed the 13.2% and 2.4% reported for the general population.
All of that, all of it, is due to transphobia and cisgender bigots.
It’s not being trans that’s difficult, it’s the way cis society treats you when you’re trans that’s so hard to deal with. (GENDER DYSPHORIA is horrible, but if we’re supported and affirmed right away and aren’t forced to live with it for a lifetime, we can immediately do things to address it).
Really take that in and sit with it, cis folks, and let it inspire you to stand up for us when you know we need you to, because we need you to.
While 78% of respondents wanted counseling for gender identity or transition, only 48%received mental healthcare for it. Among respondents who discussed gender identity with a counselor, 12% reported that their mental healthcare provider tried to persuade them to identify only as their sex assigned at birth. Notably, this was much higher (50%) among those who consulted with religious counselors or therapists.
In [the survey’s] sample, 44% of respondents meet the criteria for Serious Psychological Distress. According to the National Health Interview Survey, less than 4% of the general U.S. adult population met the criteria for SPD.
I don’t even know what to say about this. I’m so mad. So mad.
It is important to note that SPD was more common in younger trans folks, and more common in AFAB nonbinary people and trans men than any other groups.
The [survey] sample had 6 times the prevalence of past-year suicidal ideation comparedto the general population (38% vs. 5%) Further, 16% of [survey] respondents made a plan to attempt suicide, substantially higher than the 1% reported in the general population.
Research suggests that structural factors like state- level discriminatory laws and policies, as well as stigma and hostile sociopolitical climates, contribute to the disproportionately high prevalence of suicidality seen among the trans and nonbinary community.
When trans people tell you that these transphobic laws stripping us of our rights, our healthcare, our ability to exist in public will result in dead trans people, that’s not hyperbole. It is legislative violence.
Living with that kind of oppression is too much for some people to handle, and more importantly no one should ever have to try to handle it.
Research focused on trans and nonbinary people have found that social support may be one of the most important factors in reducing suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts. Supportive families may play a crucial role in the wellbeing of USTS respondents. The survey asked respondents who were out to their family how supportive their immediate family was. Those with supportive families reported less suicidality compared to those with unsupportive families: 78% vs. 85% for ever considering suicide and 38% vs. 51% for ever attempting suicide.
Supporting us, standing up for us, standing with us? It’s literally life-saving. We need you.
72% of medically transitioned and 71% of socially transitioned respondents were “Very to pretty happy” compared to 55% and 52% of those who had not medically or socially transitioned, respectively.
Medically and socially transitioned respondents were thriving more (37% and 36%, respectively) compared to those who had not transitioned (19% and 18%, respectively).
Respondents who had medically or socially transitioned reported substantially higherlife satisfaction (43% and 43%, respectively), compared to 27% and 24% among those who had not medically or socially transitioned, respectively.
Medical transition (for those who want it) works.
Medical transition works!
IT WORKS!
Happiness levels varied substantially by social and medical transition status: nearly three-quarters of those who had medically transitioned reported being “Very to pretty happy” (72%) compared to over half of those who had not (55%); those who had socially transitioned also report higher happiness (71%) compared to roughly half of those who had not (52%).
Even socially transitioning shows a huge increase in quality of life and happiness!
These 2022 US Trans Survey results are so important, because it’s evidence of what trans people have been saying for… well, forever really.
We know who we are and transitioning, socially and medically, works.
And withholding it from us, legislating against it because it makes you uncomfortable, because it proves cishetero patriarchal white supremacy is founded on lies, is cruel and unconscionable.
Hopefully you already knew that. If you didn’t, now you do.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Some final results from the largest-ever survey of trans people have finally been tabulated and released, so let’s talk about THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS, part 3! This week is all about our experiences with healthcare providers. Spoilers: there’s problems!
I’ve previously covered this survey, and how important it was to have one not just on this scale, but run and administered by trans people. The survey was so large that we’re only now, midway through 2025, getting some final results from it, three years after it was conducted.
We first got a glimpse of the data contained in this survey in 2024, when the early insights were released. I covered those in detail, so you may want to check out THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS part 1 and part 2 before reading this essay.
The newly released data is titled “Health and Wellbeing,” which leads me to believe there will be further detailed results released in other categories later on. But there’s a wealth of info in here to talk about, so let’s get into it. It’s over a hundred pages long, so I can’t cover all of it, but I’ll try to highlight some of what I think is the most important.
If you want to read the results yourself, which includes detailed breakdowns of statistics by race and age and gender and transition status, you can do so here.
I’m just going to be talking about and trying to parse some of this data to make it more easily digestible, but do have a look if you’d like to read through it yourself.
There were over ninety-two thousand responses, and while they did include those from 16 and 17 year-olds, this particular report only includes data from those 18 and older.
Let’s go!
US Trans Survey respondents reported worse overall health compared to the general population: 66% rated their health as “excellent,” “very good,” or “good,” compared to 81% in the general population. 34% reported “fair” or “poor” health, compared to 18% in the general population.
Social and medical transition was associated with better health—67% of respondents who had socially transitioned reported good or better health compared to 61% of those who had not. Further, 70% of respondents who had medically transitioned rated their health as good or better, compared to 58% of respondents who had not medically transitioned.
What this pretty clearly shows is that access to transition care improves our health overall, which is likely partly due from the actual transition medical care, and partly due from transition making so many of us actually care about our bodies (and lives!) and wanting to take better care of ourselves. Which can be really hard to do when you feel trapped inside a waking death (see GENDER DYSPHORIA for more).
Just gonna reiterate not every trans person has dysphoria, and you don’t have to have it to be trans. Do not misconstrue a very difficult thing many of us deal with for a requirement of transness (that’s TRANSMEDICALISM babe).
But then there’s these barriers for many trans people who may want to see a doctor, but don’t:
28% of respondents did not see a healthcare provider in the past year due to cost. … 24% of respondents avoided healthcare in the past year due to fear of being mistreated as a trans person.
Basically a quarter of us couldn’t afford it and a quarter of us were afraid of being mistreated because we’re trans. I don’t know what the overlap is there (people who both couldn’t afford it and were afraid to go anyway due to transphobia), but that’s a big, big chunk of us.
50% of respondents said all their healthcare providers knew they were transgender… 24% of respondents said none of their providers knew that they were transgender.
Holy shit, a whole lot of us are hiding our transness from at least one (or all) of our healthcare providers. And the only reason to do that is the fear of mistreatment, or of having explicitly trans healthcare on your medical record (meaning it would then have to be stopped if laws outlawed it). For example, I only have access to HRT through my insurance because my doctor gave me a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
I’ve asked them if they would change it to “unspecified hormone disorder” or what have you, like many good doctors will do, so that if trans HRT is outlawed, mine could continue. They said no. Yay.
Among respondents who visited a healthcare provider in the past year, nearly three-quarters (73%) said they had at least one healthcare provider that knew they were trans and treated them with respect…
That’s great! 73% is huge! But-
…nearly half (47%) experienced at least one negative interaction with a healthcare provider.
Oooof. And note that negative interaction with a healthcare provider is because they were trans.
The most common negative interactions were that healthcare providers used the wrong names or pronouns (37%), respondents had to teach their healthcare provider about trans people to receive appropriate care (18%), and healthcare providers asked unnecessary or invasive questions about the individual’s trans status that were unrelated to the visit (11%).
I’ve personally dealt with the first two of those, and let me tell you… misgendering and deadnaming from your doctors is bad, but having to teach them about advances in trans care, or even basic trans care things, is even worse. Because it is their job. AND YET.
And for a detailed instance of my own mistreatment at the hands of healthcare professionals, and how one good doctor who was a PROACTIVE ALLY turned it all around for me, see NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE.
Among respondents that were refused transition-related care, the most common reason was that the provider was not familiar with treating trans people (41%).
But Republicans will tell you doctors are pushing trans care on people to make the big bucks. Never mind that almost half of the doctors we trans people tried to get care from said, “eh, sorry, I don’t know how.”
In the twelve months prior to the survey, for those respondents who had health insurance and experienced difficulty getting transition-related care from them, these were the reasons:
Only covered some of my transition-related surgical care – 45% Denied me other transition-related medical care – 23% Denied me transition-related surgery – 20% Covers surgery but didn’t have any in-network providers – 17% Wouldn’t change my records to list current gender – 16% Wouldn’t change my records to list my current name – 12% Denied me transition-related hormone therapy – 11% Denied me gender-specific healthcare because I am trans – 5% Denied me routine healthcare because I am trans – 3%
Yeah, transition healthcare is big bucks that’s why so many insurers won’t even cover all of it. And some of that is maddening, like… you cover transition surgeries but don’t have any in-network providers?
THEN YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY COVER IT, DO YOU?!
Augh.
The survey notes that these numbers are (generally) an improvement upon the previous survey, conducted in 2015, but that had a much smaller sample of respondents and a different cross-sectional sample of people who took it.
But remember the 2022 survey’s numbers are for trans people’s experiences in 2021.
Where do you think they’re at now, in 2025, with ever more states banning transition care and hospitals and entire providers complying with fascism in advance and discontinuing trans care?
Yikes.
Be sure to come back next week as we get into transition satisfaction, detransitioners, and mental health!
There’s so much more important data to talk about. Don’t miss it.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Let’s wrap up our discussion on trans folks and physical contact (which means yeah, we’re gonna talk about sex some) in: TRANS TOUCH 3: SEX AND BEING TOUCH-STARVED.
Of course, you’ll want to know my own personal experiences with physical contact in TRANS TOUCH 1, and the first half of our survey results about platonic touch and hugging, in TRANS TOUCH 2.
Onward!
Almost half of all respondents, pre- (or no) transition, liked sex and sexual touch. But that also means more than half did not like it. This doesn’t mean those people didn’t have sexual desires (though some ace folks certainly fall into that category), but that even if they desired sex or sexual intimacy, they didn’t like actually participating in it.
This gets really interesting when you look at the during/post transition responses.
Some of those in the indifferent/hated it/avoided it at all costs categories are ace folks from the pre-transition question, and some are people who newly discovered they were ace with transition… but even still, the numbers dropped drastically.
Because when you look at those who now like it, it went from a little under half to 63.2%! And that number is higher if you factor in only folks who’ve transitioned, because nearly 14% who responded to this had not transitioned.
As with platonic/friendly touch, we see the same huge shift that transition brings to our desire to be touched.
Let’s dive into some of your complex and difficult thoughts around sex.
I sought out sexual touch pre-transition because it contained a tiny drop of gender-feelings.
I think, pre-transition, I never realized any gender feelings during sex because I dissociated through so much of it. But if I had any, I suppose it would’ve made me feel like I was being seen, perceived, and appreciated for being a man, and that’s the last thing I ever wanted. Hence the dissociation.
One of my reasons for not transitioning has been a fear of losing desire for touch and sex.
That can definitely happen when you change the hormones in your body (if you medically transition, and utilize HRT (link) as part of it), but it can also go in the other direction! A good doc (easier said than found) can help you navigate that and hopefully help you find what’s right for you.
Pre transition, my body disgusted me to such an extent that I couldn’t bear any physical contact. The idea of someone having sex with me would have meant that they were attracted to me physically, which would have been misgendering and felt wrong.
That’s where I was, except my sex drive was so strong I couldn’t really ignore it. So again… just dissociated through all of it.
It wasn’t until *well* after HRT brought my body and cognitive patterns into alignment, and some pretty hefty therapy work, that a lot of the shame and stigma around seeking consensual sexual pleasure went away … That’s not to say everything is perfect, because it’s not, but the quantity and quality have increased greatly. It’s wild to think about how much societal norms encourage us to effectively cut off and hide a major facet of identity, and incredibly empowering to finally be in touch with that part, and be accepted not just “despite it”, but also because of it.
Pre-transition ALL touch made me confused. At the time I would have said that I liked sex, but learning about what sex is for other people, that pleasure and desire aren’t just words… about how forced I felt to engage in hetero style sex. I had to sexualize all touch to get past my discomfort, which meant I couldn’t touch men at all. It also made me not touch my own children. I felt confused and uncomfortable pre-transition. Now I don’t. Now I desire social and affectionate touch. I do not know what I think about sexual touch, since everything I thought about sex was wrong. Since trying to understand sex in a male body, in a male role, resulted in intense dissociation. I think that there is the possibility that I could learn to experience sex once I can accept myself and my body as feminine, but it’s so fucking scary.
Heartbreaking.
Sex in particular changed the most for me. I never hated it or anything but I just never liked it. I’d perform because my partner enjoyed it but it always felt like a service to them and never really something I got much out of other than enjoying their enjoyment. Now, it is pure fireworks with the same partner and solo.
I have…actually worse experiences with sex post-transition, which seems to be a rarity from what I’ve seen other trans women talk about. My problem is that the hormones pretty much completely disabled my penis, and I actually *liked* that part of me. I have no desire to have bottom surgery, but the same hormones that help me deal with the secondary sexual characteristics that cause me such gender dysphoria *also* suppress the primary sexual characteristic which I wanted to continue functioning, and that is just…a particular kind of frustration that I haven’t really seen anyone else struggling with.
Let me just say that I know a whole lot of trans people, and while it may not be super common, you’re also not alone in liking that part of your body and wanting it to remain functional. TRANSMEDICALISM and gender essentialism will tell you that’s wrong, but those things are full of shit. You can be however you want to be, however feels right for you.
A good doc (so much easier said than found) might be able to help you get to where you want to be. Don’t be afraid to look for as long as it’ll take to find one who will listen to you.
I’m transmasc and although I’ve always enjoyed sexual touch, I’ve been telling partners that my chest is off-limits for years (even since before I began thinking of myself as trans or even nonbinary). I did not have conscious thoughts about why I didn’t want that, just a frequent physical sensation like nausea when I was touched.
I haven’t had any kind of romantic or sexual anything with anybody, it feels wrong doing it before transitioning, like cheating on everybody involved.
Important to note the wording here, ”everybody” involved, including the person who wrote that comment. It was actually partly the same for me, because I wasn’t really who the world or my sexual partners thought I was, and I wasn’t even me… to myself.
And here’s a couple folks who had the opposite reaction to sex than the majority!
Sex was the only time I *didn’t* hate my body. Taking care of my spouse during sex was the only time I felt my body was doing something right. It didn’t matter that I hated the shell I was in, …During sex… that was when I could banish the gender dysphoria away from my head. I didn’t realize it was gender dysphoria for a long time, but sex was when I was able to quiet the trouble in my head.
Before transition…I enjoyed sex when it was with someone I had an emotional connection to. There were some times where I engaged in sex activities with people I didn’t have that connection with, and often times was very difficult for me in ways I couldn’t explain. I think the emotional connection could bypass dysphoria, but when it wasn’t there, dysphoria was all I had.
Oh! These sound almost similar to dissociating, only rather than disconnecting from everything entirely you were simply disconnecting from physical parts of it to hone in on the emotional, or your partner, and that was enough to keep the bad stuff at bay.
This one is pretty straightforward, with more than half of trans and nonbinary folks who took the survey saying they weren’t getting as much touch as they wanted.
These numbers look somewhat similar to the pre-transition numbers, but when you pull out those who haven’t transitioned, or will not be transitioning, you see a much bigger shift.
194 respondents said yes they were touch starved, to 117 who said no. That’s 311 respondents, which means 62% said yes they were touch starved, and 38% who said no.
The numbers are still similar, though we see a perhaps surprising upswing in trans and nonbinary folks saying they feel touch starved during/after transition.
My feeling on this is that it’s due to being so much more aware of ourselves now, and our needs, and all we’ve been missing, that more of us have realized all the touch we’ve wanted but haven’t gotten.
Let’s see what people had to say about being touch-starved.
I was extremely touch hungry pre-transition, but felt so uncomfortable in my skin that I projected that feeling onto others and assumed that they also were uncomfortable with me touching them, and so my exact feelings are hard to place on a loved it/hated it scale because frequently it would be both at the same time for different reasons.
When I started having sexual relationships with women (still pre-transition) it was… Always touch starved but sought out a lot of physical touching. Always wanting to cuddle and hold hands. Sometimes downplayed these feelings slightly, asked for less than I wanted so as to not seem weird. After transitioning, I still craved touch the same amount, but I was now less ashamed of seeking it out, cause it’s considered more socially appropriate to be a cuddly huggy girl than it is to be a cuddly huggy boy. I’m only slightly less touch starved now because I have a similarly touchy and cuddly girlfriend, who can’t get enough of me either, but every time she’s not around, most of all I miss her touch.
A few months before HRT, around the time I finally accepted myself as trans, I also got into a relationship. This basically solved the “touch starved” part. I don’t think it’s a coincidence the acceptance and the relationship happened around the same time (as in, acceptance allowed me to open up).
Here’s a couple on the pressing need to fill the void we lived with for so long:
Would still consider myself feeling touch starved, but only because, in transition, I want more — as if making up for lost opportunities?
Before, I could enjoy physical contact (mostly sex, less so non-sexual touch) but there was rarely any feeling of emotion behind it. I was too alienated from my own body to even FEEL touch starved. Having transitioned, I can feel so much more deeply, both physically and emotionally… I often feel extremely touch starved, like I’m trying in vain to make up for all the years of physical/emotional affection I missed out on before I came out. Like there’s an invisible barrier between me and the people I’m around.
Yeah, right on the money for me. I’m so much more aware now of all I missed out on, and I need to fill that well. But there might not be enough hugs in all the world.
So, there’s the data I collected and the fascinating and thought-provoking responses you all shared.
Thank you to everyone who took the survey, and was so open, honest, and vulnerable about a difficult topic to discuss.
Nothing will ever change for us, for any of us, if we don’t talk about these things. Over time I noticed a definite pattern in all the trans people I know, both online and in meatspace, and knew it was something I needed to discuss. So that maybe things will change for us, for the better.
I want to close with two more comments folks left me. Here’s the first:
I never imagined that being in touch with my body (rather than ignoring it and disassociating from it) could feel so good. It does. This questionnaire actually quite helped me process, solidify, and crystallize these thoughts. Thank you.
Well that’s just the greatest thing! It always moves me when people reach out to let me know these essays have helped you, whether personally in figuring things out, in explaining how you feel or what you’re dealing with to people in your life, or in any of a hundred different ways.
That the survey itself could do that never even crossed my mind. That alone makes running the survey and compiling and sifting through the replies worth it. And here’s the last one:
Thank you for the work that you do.
No stop you’re gonna make me cry (too late). All I ever wanted was to use what I have to do what I can to help, and if I’m doing that, then it’s a job well done.
I couldn’t have done it without all of your help, so truly, I thank you all again.
Because what we’ve discovered is not only that trans folks are as widely varied as cis folks (like I’ve said a million times before), but that when you look at the macro level…
a whole lot of trans people need a whole lot more of people touching us, holding us, seeing us, and letting us know we’re loved for who we are.
Hug a trans person every chance you get (if they consent!).
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Time to dive into your survey responses and see how other trans and nonbinary folks feel about physical contact in: TRANS TOUCH 2: PLATONIC TOUCH AND HUGS.
For my own personal journey regarding physical contact and my transition, and understanding why the entire concept is so difficult for some trans folks, be sure you check out TRANS TOUCH 1 first.
Before we get to the results of the touch survey I ran, I want to mention a few things.
This is not a scientific survey, because I am not a psychologist or sociologist, nor do I have the knowledge or resources to pull off a fully scientific study. I’m just one lady trying to help.
As such, that means this is all anecdotal, but then so is a whole lot of stuff regarding trans people, because we’re such a small part of the population that it’s not profitable for people to do a lot of studies on us. See ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE for more.
Also, to keep this survey manageable for everyone taking it, and for me in compiling and talking about the responses, it simply cannot account for every factor that may impact people’s feelings around touch and physical contact.
Yes, some people who took the survey said their feelings around touch may be affected by autism, and others said they may be affected by PTSD or other issues. And some people who answered the questions around consensual sexual touch said they were asexual, which of course factored into their responses.
But that’s all well outside the purview of discussing transness, and would have made the survey unwieldy and inscrutable for one lone (but very smart and beautiful) woman to make any sense out of.
My goal was to get a sense of trans people’s feelings around touch at a more macro level, to look for commonalities or things that stand out. I simply cannot account for every variation humans experience with everything else that might factor in. As such, please note that there may be varying reasons for all of these answers, but all of these answers are from self-identified trans or nonbinary people.
And that was the point.
Also, while we can easily look at the total number of responses to poll questions… I also included a freeform portion at the end, for any additional thoughts folks might have.
I did not expect three hundred and sixty-one people to take the survey, much less for the vast majority of you to put additional thoughts in, which ranged from a sentence to nearly full essays!
As such I cannot include the additional thoughts of everyone, or even the full thoughts of most of the comments I will share. Comments from survey respondents are excerpts and have been edited for length only. I did not, and would not, change the content of any of them. And I do not know who they’re from, because the survey was intentionally anonymous.
Ready or not, here we go.
The first question, as our baseline for who’s responding, was “have you transitioned (for whatever transition means to you).” I cannot define someone else’s transition. Nobody can define someone else’s transition, because it means different things to all of us. You will find no TRANSMEDICALISM here.
There’s not a lot to discuss here, except to note that the vast, vast majority of respondents, 83.7%, consider themselves to have transitioned (or to presently be transitioning).
What we see here, is that during “pre-transition” (which includes folks who don’t feel they have transitioned yet, or never will), the negative feelings around non-sexual touch are remarkably high. If you group “hated it” and “Avoided it at all costs”, they amount to 38%. That’s well over a third of respondents having a remarkably negative view of being touched.
Only 30.2%, just under a third, liked it (“enjoyed it” being you liked it when it happened, “sought it out” meaning it was something you actively tried to find).
Nearly 32% were indifferent to being touched, which isn’t necessarily a negative view of it, but certainly isn’t a positive one either. What’s interesting, though, is that if you define the results by those who liked touch (30.2%) and those who didn’t, you find sixty percent of pre-transition respondents didn’t like being touched. And that’s pretty huge.
Holy shit look at that shift! Seeking it out went from 11.6% to 37.4%! Enjoyed it went from 18.6% to 26.3%! And those who were indifferent dropped from 31.9% to 13.9%! This is huge.
Before, those who didn’t like being touched were the largest group, at 60% of respondents. Now it’s only 23.4%!
All of these numbers are a little higher if you reduce the pool of respondents to only those who’ve transitioned, as 13% of those who answered this question hadn’t.
But what you see here is an overwhelming positive shift to people liking or wanting platonic, friendly touch during or after transition.
Here’s some respondent thoughts around platonic touch, and how it may have shifted with transition.
Let’s start with some about the general change in body and mind that came with transition.
I enjoyed but was ashamed of, and uncomfortable with asking for, touch before HRT. I spent a very long time pre-HRT but out [as trans or nonbinary], and that persisted. Post-HRT I am still learning how to ask for touch, and there never feels like enough.
I had this too, where it felt like I didn’t “deserve” it. Because my body wasn’t mine, so anyone who wanted to touch it actually wanted to touch whoever it belonged to, and that wasn’t me.
I never could enjoy being in my headspace when I was touched pre-transition. I wanted to enjoy, but it felt uncomfortable. And I really regret giving off those vibes to my partner.
My feelings have changed in that I feel more protective and selective over my physical space. Idk if this comes from being less dissociated or what, but I’m much more aware of my body in a way that I like but that also has been a challenge to figure out.
Just the emotional and mental acceptance of being trans seems to have completely opened up a whole new world of touch sensitivity with my partner!
The thought of being touched sometimes makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s sorta like repulsion, but without thinking “gross.” I just don’t want it. I’m pretty sure my dysphoria is part of this. The body I see is not the one I want and isn’t really me, makes it hard to find it enjoyable.
I absolutely went through that, too.
I didn’t realize how alone I felt, pre-transition. It was like existing in a void. Transitioning opened my eyes and revealed just how much I needed to touch, be touched, and be connected to the people around me.
Yes, yes, ten million thousand billion times yes.
Touch was something I needed to be careful with pre-transition, because touch is a short-cut to emotions, and emotions were dangerous. Now that I’m not trying to keep feelings bottled up all the time, there’s less need to avoid touch.
I also dealt with that, where if you opened yourself up to the feelings in that dark, cobwebby corner of your psyche that you knew you weren’t supposed to look into… you might find something you couldn’t put back in there. And then you’d have to deal with it.
Pre-transition I both enjoyed and avoided contact of all types, as in I craved physical contact but did not allow myself any.
Same. I was so alone, and scared, and all I wanted was that human connection. But I couldn’t get it, both because it might open up that dark, cobwebby corner, but also because my dysphoria made it impossible. See GENDER DYSPHORIA, where one example I give is like I was separated from everyone I cared about by a six foot thick invisible wall.
I never so much as held hands with a person romantically until after I had begun transition, at which point the affirmative desire for touch became more important for me.
After I got on [estrogen] and got more comfortable with my body, I started feeling like I needed [touch] more and feel increasingly frustrated by not getting it.
This absolutely happened for me too. Transition can help you realize all you’ve been missing, and then you want to fill that void as quickly as possible.
Before, it was more “someone is interacting with the body I wear.” Now, touch is “I am allowing access to an aspect of my vulnerability.”
Pre-transition, I *wanted* to have these forms of touch, but didn’t feel comfortable with actually accepting touch, and accepted that I probably just didn’t “deserve” it. Post-transition, I *still want* to have these forms of touch, but now I’m learning to be more comfortable with accepting touch, and how to communicate that with the people in my life.
Not having every interaction clouded with dysphoria is likely responsible for most of this, I feel like i was probably as affectionate a person as I am today I just didn’t let myself express it or understand why it felt so wrong to express.
This is common for a lot of us, where we find that transition didn’t change us so much as let us be more of who we already were.
Here’s a couple comments from folks on how just their egg cracking opened up new avenues.
I want casual touch with friends… I didn’t know this until half a year after cracking.
After my egg cracked I find touch of all kinds more palatable, despite not getting to do any transitioning yet.
Here’s some on the difficulties of touch that are compounded based on the gender society perceives you as.
Before transition, I definitely felt less comfortable being touched, and felt weird about the concept of “being allowed” to enjoy touch, especially from women. Now that I’ve transitioned, I feel comfortable enough with myself and my body that I feel much freer to enjoy touch, and it turns out I really do want it after all.
As a trans woman, pre-transition me longed for touch and physical contact, but asking for it or even accepting it when offered felt awful, like I was being predatory. That feeling has faded dramatically as my transition has gone on and casual contact with other women is just good and normal and comfortable now.
I found this too, but also in ways beyond physical touch. See COMPLIMENTS and how the act of transition finally made me feel like I could compliment another woman on something as mundane as her shoes, and not have it be creepy.
I wonder how different the AMAB vs. AFAB experience is… as a trans guy, I personally feel very “starved” of physical contact. But back when I was still presenting as a cis female, it seemed like people wouldn’t keep their hands off of me. Do people avoid contact with me because I’m now trans? or because I’m now a man? It feels like a bit of both.
I feel like trans guys probably do get caught up in some folks’ aversion to being touched by cis men (for obvious and understandable reasons). Ask your trans guy friends if they want hugs!
And here’s a bunch on how feeling like we have BODILY AUTONOMY can drastically change things.
Touch has gotten much more comfortable for me, both post transition and with a better understanding of my own experiences, needs and boundaries. I enjoy being in my own body in ways I couldn’t before, including experiencing all kinds of sensations I used to hate — like exertion and the awareness of my own body that’s forced when I exercise. There’s plenty I’m still very uncomfortable with, but things are shifting in a good way. I also get a lot of joy and comfort from my cat, who is the reason I’m never touch starved. cats are amazing. and great at boundaries. my cat enforcing his own boundaries taught me so much, actually.
Yes. Cats are excellent at teaching people boundaries and bodily autonomy. They will accept your affection when they want it, and they won’t accept it when they don’t. That’s how it should be. (Cats are the best.)
Pre-transition, I sought touch as a kind of validation, despite the deep-seated internal sense that something was Wrong With Me. Post-transition, I’m much more able to enjoy touch for its own sake, as well as being an expression of love and affection. Simply put, my body feels like it’s *mine* now, so touch feels less like reassurance that I’m worthy of love, affection, and comfort, and more like an actual expression of those things.
I’ve been with my partner for years, and the biggest impact for her has been that “you don’t flinch when I touch you anymore”.
This one broke my heart a little, if only because I feel so much like that was me with everyone but my wife and kid, for all of my life.
Being touched in some ways felt like a violation of my body no matter what context pre-transition. Now that I understand my body there’s still plenty of dysmorphia/dysphoria, but it’s something I want to learn to navigate instead of just completely writing out of my life.
Just the desire to be open to touch changing is huge, truly. That’s where everything begins.
What you see here is over 50% of people pre-transition liking hugs, and much less on the negative side. Even when factoring in those who are indifferent, the majority still liked hugs.
I find this fascinating, because there seems to be a different view of hugs than of other non-sexual touch. I find hugs to be more intimate than holding hands, or a hand on the shoulder or arm, though maybe that’s just me.
Does this mean it’s more socially acceptable for people to hug, so we’re taught to do it more often and grow accustomed to it, even in spite of possible gender dysphoria? (not every trans person has dysphoria, of course, just to remind you)
I don’t know! But it’s incredibly interesting to me that there’s such a perception shift among these two kinds of platonic touch.
Look at that huge shift again! Almost half of all respondents who’d transitioned (or are transitioning) now seek out hugs, and when you factor in those who also enjoy hugs, that’s well over 75% of those who’ve transitioned liking hugs.
I expected there’d be a positive shift in these things with transition… not just because it mirrors my own experiences, but because of what I’ve seen in all the trans and nonbinary people I know.
And yeah, again, this is anecdotal, but it also seems really clear that in terms of platonic touch (holding hands, a hand on an arm, hugs), transitioning does so much to make us more comfortable with them, and to like them.
It’s wild what feeling like your true self can do for you.
Let’s check out some of your comments around hugging.
Post-transition I feel like I have become a lot more sensitive to the social cues of others with respect to their intentions to make physical contact with me. I’m much less surprised now if someone hugs me, in part because I’m more comfortable, but also because I’m much better at noticing and understanding their intentions.
Yeah I relate to this a lot. It’s like you finally understand why someone would want a hug, to wrap someone in their arms and be wrapped up in return. It was legit hard to understand when everything about my body made me scream in horror.
I wish more people could be non-sexually physically affectionate (more hugs, holding hands, just being in contact) without making it weird or assuming there’s something more going on. I think that would be so so nice.
I think so too! I mean, with consent, of course. Normalizing closeness would go a long way to alleviating a lot of the isolation and loneliness that so many people face.
Pre-transition I feel like I was wanting more contact, but didn’t feel like I was allowed to, or I was worried that it might come off as creepy. Now, I’m more comfortable asking for hugs, but casual touch still seems kind of unfamiliar.
This one confirms what we saw in the survey responses above, in that hugs are easier (for some) than other forms of platonic or friendly touching. Fascinating.
Post-transition, I’m also much better at REFUSING unwanted touch. I still don’t like hugging strangers; it’s far too intimate an act. And modern corporate culture is very huggy, so in the past I felt I just had to endure it. Today I’m much better at gently deflecting proffered hugs from casual workplace acquaintances, although the bar for being willing to embrace somebody is also much lower, and I enjoy it more when I do.
Yes! Bodily autonomy returns for the win. The right to refuse unwanted touch is just as important as the right to ask for or seek out the consensual touch you need.
I still hate people that call themselves “huggers” and insist that means they should always be allowed to hug whoever they want, no matter whether that person is comfortable with it.
As a “hugger”… I completely agree with you. Again, this is why I ask people if they do hugs before I attempt to hug them. It’s not difficult to respect other people’s boundaries and needs! It’s no different than asking people their NAMES AND PRONOUNS… but then a whole lot of our society struggles with those, too.
I suspect they’re actually related, because a whole lot of people would just rather not have to think about how what they say or do affects others.
Pre transition, I enjoyed touch, but I was not willing to ask for it or seek it out. I’d be the one hanging back when people were giving hugs because it felt like even being there would be equivalent to asking for a hug, which would be an imposition. Post transition (or mid transition?), it was much easier to ask for and accept touch.
I’ve loved hugs ever since I was a kid, and while I don’t think I seek them out more now than I did before I got top surgery, I definitely enjoy them more now that I don’t have boobs.
Ooh that makes sense! I’m now always conscious of not smushing my boobs into people when I hug them, and that was something I had to adapt to after a lifetime of not having to worry about them. Happy it went the other way for you!
Come back next week as we wrap up with discussion of ess ee ex (gasp!), and just how touch-starved we might feel.
Let’s wrap up with one final survey comment, that felt like it was pulled directly from my own soul.
Hugging now feels like I can pull the person even closer to my heart than before.
Yes yes yes forever yes.
When I hug people now, it is pulling their heart to mine, and letting them know that I love them.
Yes, even people I just met. Yes, even you.
If strangers I’ve never met can hate me for who I am without even knowing or meeting me, I can love you for who you are, without even knowing or meeting you.
I love you, and the world needs to know it.
And, if you want, I’d be thrilled to hug you and show it.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we discuss a huge and complicated issue for so many trans and nonbinary folks… physical contact. Love it or hate it, here comes: TRANS TOUCH 1: PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
There’s so much to talk about regarding touch, both friendly or platonic, and sexual, and I’ve seen so many trans and nonbinary people struggle with the topic. In fact, the podcast version of these essays were the most difficult episodes to schedule a guest for.
And that wasn’t because people didn’t want to talk about it, but a whole lot of people don’t even know how they feel about it and haven’t figured it out yet, and so didn’t feel they could add to the discussion (or, some were worried about their spouses hearing them record these episodes, because things are difficult around the topic at home). So an extra special thanks to Erin Rodriguez for being up for talking about this tough and complicated issue.
A while back I posted a survey about touch, asking folks how you felt about different kinds and if that changed with transition. And your responses were overwhelming. So much so that I can’t cover them in one essay. So you’ll find those in the next two essays following this one, because first I want to talk a little about my own experience, so you have an idea where I’m coming from. And what I, personally, was dealing with.
Pre-transition, touch was such a difficult thing for me. For reasons I talked about in the essay on GENDER DYSPHORIA, my life (such as it was) was lonely, isolated, terrifyingly empty. Even when I was happy. Even when I was being hugged by people I loved, even when kissing my wife, even during sex.
I hated being touched by anyone who wasn’t my wife, and I only acclimated to her touch after a long time. But I still wouldn’t say I sought out touch from her, it just eventually ceased to bother me. But at the same time, I wanted it so bad, because I felt so completely alone, trapped under an ocean of pain.
I never understood why. And I dissociated through most of my pre-transition life, so while I remember hating, hating, HATING being touched, and the feelings it gave me (which I’ll talk about shortly), I don’t remember many specific instances. But I do remember one.
It was somewhere in my teenage years, and my family and I were going… somewhere. I have no idea where. But as we approached this mystery building, a man was helping a senior lady toward the building, she walked with a cane. I held the door open so she could get in easier.
As she passed… she reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, and I instinctively flinched and pulled away. I only realized after the fact, after being yelled at by my mother, that she was doing it to help support herself as she went through the door, because it wasn’t a big enough opening for the man helping her to walk in beside her.
She made it through okay and didn’t fall or get hurt or anything, but I felt so awful about it afterward. The guilt that wells up inside me even as I write this hurts. A lot. I do everything I can, always, to help absolutely everyone I am able to. Not helping, if I have the ability to do so, just isn’t an option for me. It’s why Trans Tuesdays exist.
And here was a woman who needed help, and I denied it to her. For my own selfish reasons. At the time, I didn’t even know why I did it. I just knew I did not want her to touch me.
That had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me and my dysphoria, which I didn’t even know I had at the time. I just knew that being touched, by anyone, for any reason at all, was absolutely not good.
The one pseudo-exception to that was things of a sexual nature. Sex itself, sure, but not just that… even kissing a girlfriend, or holding hands as we walked through the halls of our high school. And if holding hands doesn’t seem sexual to you, that’s because it’s not. But when my body was a raging mass of hormones, the wrong hormones, and confusion, at that age? Even holding hands with my girlfriend sent sexy little jolts through me.
Ah, to be a teen! If only I’d been able to be me in those years, how different might it have been? This is actually something I wrestled with for a long time, as discussed in the two-part essay on TRANS GRIEF.
My sex drive allowed me to get past my aversion to (sexual) touch, but only with people I’d grown emotionally close to and could trust. I’m not demisexual, by the way, I just needed to really feel comfortable with someone to get past my dysphoria enough to even think about sex.
But even then… well, I didn’t know it at the time, but I dissociated through all of it. Even once I was married to my wife Susan, who I love and adore and is the sexiest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
I was not present for any of it, mentally or emotionally. I was entirely disconnected from my body through all of it. I could allow my body to do whatever it was that it did during sexy times, but I was not really there for any of it. If I got the urges out of me for a while, fine.
I still never wanted anyone to touch me. I’d shake hands if it was expected of me, I’d hug friends if they tried to hug me first, because I was taught you hug people who want hugs and you let them kiss you on the cheek if that’s what they want to do, even if you don’t want it.
When I look back at that, it seems so gross and unacceptable. It’s my body, why should anyone else get to do what they want to me, if I don’t want them to? In fact, even pre-transition, we told our kid he didn’t have to hug or accept kisses from any relative if he didn’t want to. It’s up to him. That’s how it should be. I actually haven’t so much as kissed his cheek in years now, because I asked him if he minded me doing it, and he said yes. So I stopped.
We hug, and that’s wonderful! And if that’s all he wants, that’s okay. I wish I could still give him little kisses on the cheek, but that’s my problem and not his. I respect him far too much to force him to accept something he’s stated he does not want.
What you’re hopefully seeing here is that this is inextricably linked to bodily autonomy, and not just in terms of who’s allowed to touch us when, and under what circumstances.
In my BODILY AUTONOMY essay, you’ll see that discussion is mainly around my tattoo… tattoos which I never understood or could imagine anyone ever wanting pre-transition.
Because my body never felt like mine.
And that’s the crux of what the issue of touch revolves around for me. And based on the data from the survey so many of you filled out, for many other trans people as well.
Every time anyone touched my body, it hurt because it reminded me that my body was there, but it wasn’t my body. So it’d spike my dysphoria something awful, and instead of pulling me out of the depths so I could breathe, it shoved me even farther under the surface and away from any kind of relief.
During transition, and even post-transition (I don’t know that I consider myself “post-transition” yet because I’m not sure it’ll ever end, but it’s definitely at a point where it’s a gradual incline and not a rocket to the stars), that began to shift.
Because as I came more into myself, became more in touch with who I really am, came to feel as if my body was actually my body… touch electrified me.
Not in a sexual way (unless it was a sexual touch), but in a “holy shit this feels amazing” way, because now… shit, this is so hard to explain.
My dysphoria is mostly gone these days, even though it pops up here and there occasionally. But mostly I am out of those depths, and flying free in the skies above (see GENDER EUPHORIA for more). And touch?
It sends me into fucking orbit.
Because unlike before when it reminded me that my body wasn’t mine, now it reminds me that my body is mine. That whoever is touching me (hugging me, putting a hand on my arm, kissing me, whatever) sees me for who I really am, and wants some form of contact and intimacy with me.
And it wasn’t until this shift happened for me, that I realized how incredibly touch-starved I’ve been my whole life, and am even still.
I have this… deficit. Like someone who hasn’t eaten in ten years not being able to sate their hunger. Like someone who has known deep poverty (hi, this is also me) never, ever being able to feel financially secure regardless of your actual financial situation, because you know how quickly it can all disappear.
I want to be touched. Please see me, recognize me, accept me. Be close with me. I’ve been so alone for so long, and I can’t go back. Please please please reach out a hand and help ensure I never fall back under the ocean. I’ve asked my wife to touch me more. Put a hand on my hip as you walk past, touch my arm, my face, my back. Just… let me feel you close to me. I need it so much. So much.
But I still respect bodily autonomy.
I love hugging people so much. Friends, family, even people I’ve just met (Los Angeles is a very hug-forward city). But I don’t assume others want it, because I intimately know what it can do to someone who doesn’t. So I always ask. It’s so easy! “Do you do hugs?” is usually one of the first things I say when I meet people. And if yes, we hug! And if not we shake hands, or fist bump, or touch elbows, or simply smile and wave. Whatever they’re comfortable with! And it’s all great.
Sex has entirely changed for me, too. Not just because being on different hormones makes certain parts of your anatomy function differently, but it literally changes what feels good. It was one of the earliest things HRT changed for me… suddenly new parts of my body awakened to sexual touch in ways they never had before.
It was so surprising and confusing. The first sex I had after those changes was legit world-altering. There’s not even any comparison. It’s like the difference between having the energy to run a hundred yard sprint, and having the energy to run a 26.2 mile marathon (and then some), y’know? Maybe you don’t. But holy dang, it’s amazing.
Over the next couple weeks we’re going to get into the results of the survey I ran, and the overwhelming amount of data you flooded me with, and see if we can find some commonalities.
For me, I feel like I’ll never, ever get enough touch and hugs for as long as I live. So if we meet, yes, know that I will gladly hug you… if you want. And I give amazing hugs, because I know the value of them to those who want them.
It’s not just a greeting, or a goodbye. It’s pulling our hearts together, and holding each other in our arms, saying I see you, and I’ve got you.
![Sigma.male2022 on insta DMs me: Hi my lady [lip emoji]. I want to see your swallow my goldfish henry. [two devil emoji]. Put him inside your belly [open hands emoji]. And I give you all you want. [devil emoji]](https://www.tillystranstuesdays.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/38.jpg)
