Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week is a special for TRANS DAY OF VISIBILITY. And this one is for EVERY TRANS OR NONBINARY PERSON WHO’S NOT OUT YET. And I’m here to tell you YES, YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH.
This topic is also known as THIS IS NOT FOR YOU aka AM I TRANS ENOUGH aka GATEKEEPING. And not just the gatekeeping that that others do that’s directed at us, but also the kind that we do to ourselves.
Trans Day of Visibility is also a little bit of a double-edged sword though, which I’ll talk about shortly. But let’s deal with the gatekeeping first.
I’ve mentioned before how I was fairly sure I was trans for a long time, but I knew I couldn’t transition until a certain date, so I took my time exploring things and figuring myself out. I just talked about that recently in the thread on BODY HACKING.
Despite the fact that I don’t consider my transition to have started until 2015, and despite the fact that it didn’t start socially or medically transitioning until 2020, I was no less trans before then. I’ve been trans my whole life, that’s how it works.
If you’re trans you’ve always been trans and nothing can change that (just like you cisgender folks can probably realize there’s nothing in the world that would make you suddenly not cis). It’s just who you are.
And so for a long time, things like Trans Day of Visibility were really painful for me. Because here is a thing that was SPECIFICALLY FOR ME, and yet it was NOT FOR ME because as far as the world knew I was just a cisgender man.
That was so, so difficult to deal with. I’d see opportunities for trans writers… people who wanted to read us, help us get staffed or get our projects in front of the people who could make them happen, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I had to watch those opportunities dissolve because they were NOT FOR ME, even though they WERE FOR ME! And I really never needed that extra pain on top of all the pain that GENDER DYSPHORIA already brought me.
It’s a special kind of hell seeing a thing meant to help you that you cannot get to. I couldn’t even celebrate pride month, because again as far as the world knew I was just a straight guy. I mean I could have said I was bi, but that felt like lying. It’s ladies for me, thanks.
You can see the Trans Tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER for more on that.
Anyway it got to the point where, in the months before I came out, Susan and I were saying we were a “LGBTQ+ writing team.” Which is true, if suuuuuuuuuuper vague, but it was the best I was comfortable with at the time.
After coming out that got easier, obviously, but a new problem presented itself. And it’s one I’ve heard echoed by a lot of trans people I’ve talked to: AM I TRANS ENOUGH?
I had this… this GUILT, I guess, at calling myself transgender. Even though I CLEARLY AM. Because Trans Person A did X thing, and I didn’t. Trans Person B did Y thing and I don’t want to ever do that.
So am I even “trans enough” to call myself transgender? Am I disrespecting and denigrating the people whose dysphoria is worse than mine? I mean hell, mine never came with the severe depression that so many experience, despite how awful it was for me.
And what’s even worse is that I’ve seen this kind of attitude from some trans people. There are those who say you’re not “really” trans if you don’t get bottom surgery, or if you’re not on hormones, or if you don’t do X, Y, or Z.
I don’t know how much that contributes to the feelings of not being trans enough, for me. I never bought into that bullshit but who knows about all the little ways these things can affect us that we might not even realize.
I’m sure it impacts some others, though. Imagine a trans person just beginning to explore what being trans means to them and wanting to transition, and seeing those things and feeling they wouldn’t be accepted if they didn’t conform to some arbitrary standard.
It’s kinda horrible. I’m a member of a lot of different trans communities and a lot of them are wonderful and affirming and supportive. But in some I see cliques forming, and it saddens me.
And it’s such a complicated thing, because trans people have spent our entire lives feeling excluded, and left out, and like we’re not part of things. So once we get to be included, there’s this feeling of wanting to keep it closed, to keep it safe.
Which is of course SUPER important with the amount of harassment we often face. But think about how those who are excluded feel… you’re accepted into this community, but only so far. You don’t get to be part of ALL of it because someone else hasn’t decided you can be, yet.
And that really sucks, doubly so after never feeling like you belonged or had anyone to talk to about all these weird feelings you were going through, in trying to figure out your gender and whether you wanted to transition or not.
And that can definitely play into (or exacerbate) the feeling of not being trans enough, even if unintentional. And that breaks my heart. I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel that way. We’ve been through enough.
But there’s another aspect of Trans Day of Visibility you may not have realized, the aforementioned double-edged sword. We NEED to be seen as who we really are, and have our rights and autonomy respected. But being more visible puts us more at risk.
Coming out wasn’t an issue of safety for me, at least as far as my immediate home life. And California respects me for who I am. But for so many others it’s dangerous. Even if not in their immediate household, all the states trying to legislate us out of existence is terrifying.
A reminder (though damn, I hope you don’t need to be reminded) that there has been more anti-trans legislation introduced in THREE MONTHS in 2023 than there was in all of last year, which held the previous record. It’s unprecedented and horrific.
The Human Rights campaign is already tracked THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY anti-trans bills introduced across the United States so far this year. IT’S ONLY **MARCH**!
Can you imagine trying to come out under these conditions? Why it almost seems like Republicans want to make it impossible to do so. But news flash: that won’t stop people from being trans. You can’t force people who make you uncomfortable to change their gender, pops.
I’ve been told by multiple people who are questioning/exploring that my Trans Tuesdays have helped them as they explore their own gender, and that makes me so so happy. That’s one of the things I hoped from the start.
So this moment here is for all the people who are questioning, idly or actively. It’s for the ones who aren’t sure if they’re trans enough, or if they can or should come out, or if things meant for trans people are also for them.
Of if they “qualify” because they’re nonbinary or genderfluid or agender. And please listen and believe me when I say:
YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.
NOBODY KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU.
There is no “enough” to being trans. Whether you want every surgery you can get, or only some, or none. Or all the hormone replacement therapy, or only some, or none.
If you can’t come out for any reason, you’re still trans. Whether you only want to transition socially, or can’t (or don’t want to!) transition at all: YOU ARE STILL TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.
If you want to come out, I believe in you and you CAN do it, when the time is right. If you can’t, that’s okay too. If you’re just questioning and unsure, that is also okay! You’re wonderful and valid and can and should be exactly who you want to be. Who you ARE.
Trans Day of Visibility is for you, too. It’s for ALL of us, out or not, trans man or trans woman or nonbinary or genderfluid or agender or anything else.
I see you. And you are enough.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com