Welcome to #TransTuesday! There’s a topic I know a lot of folks are curious about, which I was holding off on talking about until I had more experience with it. Today we’re talking about HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY, but for this post at least, it’s also about PATIENCE.
I’ll do updates on HRT in the future, to give you more insight into the process. But for now I can give you something of a baseline to work from. There are commonalities I have with other trans women and trans people in general, but I can only speak to my own experiences.
That’s extra important to remember with HRT, because everyone’s body responds differently. There are things hormones can do, and might do, and won’t do, but not everyone’s experience is the same.
So please please keep that in mind. I don’t want you going to another trans person who says they were affected differently, or coming to me saying “but Jane said X”. Hormones are just wonky like that, because human bodies are… fun?
Also, as I am not an endocrinologist or doctor of any kind, I’m not able to give you the kind of information they can. For example I suspect there are trans people who for medical reasons can’t be on HRT, but I don’t know what those reasons may be.
And remember not everyone has to be on HRT to be trans! There’s no rule that says you have to do thing Z or you’re not trans. No. Not how it works. HRT is just often one of the big things (and relatively easy compared to other things) trans people *can* do to affirm their gender.
I know that’s a lot of caveats, but I want you to understand how unique this is to every trans person. We all have our own experiences with it and we’re all on our own journeys. Okay? Okay.
HRT consists of two main portions… one medication to block the testosterone or estrogen that your body produces, and one medication to introduce the other one into your system. Not everyone is on both, for medical or personal or other reasons.
A testosterone blocker introduced into an adult trans woman suppresses said hormone in the body. This can lead to slower/thinner/less body hair growth, and can even halt or slow male pattern baldness. It can also lead to the shrinking of testicles and infertility.
A host of emotional changes can also accompany it, because hormones are fun. There are side effects (of both the drug and simply having less testosterone in your body), one of which can be breast growth. Another side effect is a decrease in muscle mass. More on this in a bit.
The problem with testosterone, for we trans ladies who transition as adults, is once you go through testosterone-induced puberty… you can’t undo most of those changes. The voice deepens, the shoulders broaden, the jaw becomes more defined, facial hair starts, you get taller.
There are some things we can do to try to change/mitigate these things, but not all of them. There’s no way to make your shoulders less broad. You can’t NOT be as tall as you are (mostly… again, more on this later).
I’m in voice therapy to try to make and sound less like a cis man, but the hormones don’t affect it at all. It’s just a ton of hard work I have to put in on trying to change the way I talk (voice therapy will be another thread of its own).
And if you are a cis woman, imagine how you’d feel if your body did/was still doing those things, and how much it would feel like your body betrayed you and made the world see you as someone you’re not. And then imagine all the problems and dangers that brings for us.
So maybe now you’re understanding why it’s SO important that trans kids are given puberty blockers before their bodies go through these changes. For more on that, you can see the trans tuesday on TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM.
Okay, so we’ve covered blockers. What happens for trans ladies when estrogen is introduced into our bodies? It can also slow/thin body and facial hair growth, and it definitely promotes breast growth (but how much varies wildly). It also shifts the way your body carries fat.
Did you know cis men and women carry fat in different places in their bodies? SCIENCE, BITCHES. So when a trans lady goes on estrogen, it will shift the fat under the skin and can lead to a softer, rounder appearance.
Guess what? More emotional changes, because say it with me: hormones are fun. The emotional/mood changes also definitely vary from person to person. If someone is getting an injection once a week, the day they take it their body is getting a flood of hormones.
For me, I have pills, which means the exact same amount every day, so it’s a bit more balanced. Even still, I’ve had days where everything made me sad for no reason, where the world seemed awful and like everything would always suck.
And okay, yes, 2020 and our pandemic coup certainly didn’t help, but still. It was noticeable, because I wasn’t feeling bad or upset about anything in particular. It was just waves of emotion brought about by the littlest thing, or sometimes nothing at all.
Thankfully those days have been pretty few, for me. But again, that’s not true for everyone. If this seems to you like our bodies are just going through another puberty, well it should because that’s exactly what’s happening.
Some trans ladies have noticed that after being on HRT for a long time, their feet are a little smaller, maybe they’re not quite as tall. Again, it shifts everything in your body. But not the same way for everyone!
I actually kind of dig being 6’2” and hope I don’t lose an inch or two, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Smaller feet wouldn’t hurt though, then I’d fit into more hot shoes. 😌
I’ve not even been on HRT for a year yet, and here’s what I’ve already seen: number one, definite breast growth, you can’t miss it. However, did you know… growing boobs HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER?
I know lots of cis ladies complain about bras, but frankly they’ve been vital for me because they act like a shield to protect my boobs from being touched. BY ANYTHING. Getting dressed and my hand brushes one? AGONY.
Rolling over in bed is a nightmare, because I’m a side sleeper so as soon as the side of a boob hits the mattress I nearly scream in pain. I tell myself this is good, because it means they’re growing! And when I see them I am elated.
But gooooooooooood lord the pain. And again not every trans woman gets the same results (just like cis ladies when they go through puberty). Also there’s no timeframe for when it all happens!
I’ve seen decent breast growth in a matter of months (if not a ton), but some ladies take years. One trans lady had B cups for TEN YEARS and then suddenly they became D cups. Why must bodies be this way? Seems inefficient!
Loss of muscle mass has definitely happened. I’m still kinda buff (in my own estimation) and I love my biceps, but I have to work harder now than I did before to keep them looking the same. An equal amount of push-ups are now a lot harder to complete than six months ago.
Jars I never once struggled to open before now give me fits. I just can’t do some of the physical things I could even six months ago, even with my pretty biceps (they are indeed pretty, I assure you).
As to my body changing the way it stores fat, I’ve definitely noticed that too. There’s a spot in my lower abdomen, below my stomach, that has been flat as a wall my entire life. But on ladies it’s softer and rounded there? Do you know what I mean?
Anyway! I’ve got that. I’ve also noticed my jawline is slightly less angular, softer and a little more rounded. I don’t know if anyone else can actually tell, but I can. Because the biggest cause of dysphoria for me has always been my face.
Here’s the GENDER DYSPHORIA essay if you missed it.
HRT has slightly, only ever so slightly, thinned/slowed my body hair growth. I wish it would do a lot more there, but I’m coping. It hasn’t at all slowed my facial hair growth, and I’d like to get out and push so it does a LOT more in that area.
Again, my face being the biggest cause of my dysphoria, it’s where I want the most changes. But now, once in a while, after shaving and when I catch myself in the mirror… I see ME. And that gives me what we call GENDER EUPHORIA.
And I don’t know if that’s something cis people can (or do) ever experience. Do you ever look in the mirror and think “Oh my god I’m a woman YESSSSSSSSS”? I dunno. But now sometimes I do, and it’s the. Most. Amazing. Feeling. Ever.
I want more. I want SO MUCH MORE. Yes, good, keep going body, let’s get there! But there’s literally nothing I can do to speed it along. And that’s where patience comes in, because HRT isn’t a switch you flip.
It’s a process, and it’s slow as hell, and it’s just going to do what it’s going to do and at its own pace and you have no idea what you’re going to get, or when you’ll get it. You have to live with getting incrementally closer to your goal.
You can see it starting. You can see it getting closer. Almost agonizingly close, after spending so long being so far away. All you want to do is sprint to the finish line. But you can’t, even if you wanted to! You’re stuck crawling like a snail.
There are other things you can do to transition besides HRT, of course. One of the things I want (SO VERY BADLY) is to get electrolysis on my face so I don’t have to shave anymore.
Shaving’s gotten better for me with some changes to the routine, but I still hate it because it’s a reminder I’m not yet ME. And it’s extra frustrating because even IMMEDIATELY after, I’ve got a shadow you can see until I cover it with makeup.
But I can’t go get electrolysis, because it’s a pandemic and I live with someone who’s immune compromised. And there’s no way I’m going to put her at risk so I can zap the hair off my face for good, painful as it is to see it there. So I wait.
And I see the pandemic response bungled and lockdowns lifted prematurely and the vaccine rollout botched and I continue to wait. And while I wait, I’ll keep waiting, and possibly put some waiting inside my wait so I can wait some more.
But that’s the gig, even outside of the hellfire we’re all struggling through. Even electrolysis isn’t something I could go in for and bam, it’s done. It too is a process, and it takes time. It all takes time.
There’s no magic shortcut. We’re trapped in bodies that aren’t ours, and changing them into one that IS can be a painfully slow process. But we do it because we must, because it’s better than the alternative.
Every out trans person you meet decided climbing this almost insurmountable hurdle was better than the pain we were living through before. It’s a slog, it’s tough going, but the rewards are worth it. If we’re lucky, gender euphoria waits on the other side!
And for the trans people that aren’t out yet, or can’t be… I know how tough it is, but you can do it. I did, and you can too. Don’t give up. Hold on. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll be here to help you along.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com