Welcome to Trans Tuesday! It’s July, and not only is it July, it’s the seventh of July! Which means it’s exactly six years to the day that I publicly came out! So that means it’s time for my SIX YEARS OUT AND ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE!
I’ll be using my past retrospectives as a template, which means I’ll be discussing things in the same order, simply so that I remember to mention any updates on specific parts of my transition. Because ya girl is very tired and overworked and I’ll absolutely forget to cover something otherwise.
And before I do that, here’s where I remind you that I discovered I was trans in 2014, meaning it’s been a good twelve years of knowing and accepting my truth, even though I’ve only been out and actually transitioning for half that time. As I’ve mentioned before, the delay in starting was For Reasons I Don’t Talk About Publicly, but it’s nothing nefarious or transphobic. In any case, it’s wild to have hit the point where I’ve been doing this for as long as I waited through so much pain to do this. Next year I’ll officially pass that halfway point, which is exciting.
The newest and biggest change I noticed this year is in just how much I’ve truly embraced my true self, and come to love who I am so very much. It snuck up on me, as these things often do. Especially now, where I’ve hit the point where my transition is just kind of part of the background noise of my life, for the most part. Which is not to say I don’t care about it, far from it! It’s just not actively on my mind anymore, because I’m so happy with how it’s going and who I am.
For the entire past year since my five year check-in, our finances weren’t great. I’ve been through that before (a lot), and it’s something so many people are struggling with in our tanking economy.
I don’t mention this to elicit any kind of sympathy from you, many people still had it far worse than I did. But it was a struggle for us to stay afloat, which means that spending on things we didn’t absolutely need was kept to an absolute minimum. And this is only relevant because I have not been able to get more pairs of heels, both to practice walking in, around our apartment, and to actually wear out in the world (because now I do very much love the extra attention they get me, boosting my 6” 1/2″ to new heights).
Things have stabilized now, so hopefully I can see some advancement there this year.
Despite getting my first bikini last year, I’ve still not actually worn it anywhere. This is mostly because I’ve not had anywhere to wear it to, I’m not really into swimming or Being In Water. I’ve also not had the time to go to anyplace that I might wear it, so… eh. But it’s there waiting, should the opportunity arrive and I happen to feel brave enough.
I still have to shave my face every morning (see GENDER DYSPHORIA) and my body once a week (see BODY HAIR). Getting that hair permanently removed from my face is something that still remains inaccessible to me, both for cost reasons last year, and due to reasons outlined in A PANDEMIC TRANSITION.
There is a new local trans-owned clinic who might be able to meet my I-have-an-immunocompromised-spouse accommodation needs well enough for me to get it done, but it wouldn’t be covered by insurance, and that means $$$$$. It also takes hours and hours and hours of time, and let me tell you what I do not have any spares of. So I’m still unsure if I’ll ever be able to get it done.
It worries me, especially if I get injured and am unable to shave my face myself, or if I end up in the hospital for whatever reason. Would someone else shave it for me, or would I be left to rot in the misery of dysphoria? It’s an unpleasant thought, but I’m kinda stuck, so… it is what it is.
BODY HACKING update! If you’ve not read that essay, do so, so you can learn how important exercise, and specifically strength training, have been to my transition.
If you check out the pics in the FIVE YEAR RETROSPECTIVE you can compare them to these new ones. I see improvement, maybe you will too.
This is where I’m at now:
There’s maybe not as much progress from last year as I would have liked, but that’s because after that five year check-in, I joined my local roller derby league! And it kinda changed my life with RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE.
I’m practicing derby twice a week, for two hours at a time, and that eats up a lot of time and energy, so I have less time for my upper body workouts than before. But it means I’ve also had a lot of lower body gains!
One unexpected and kind of amazing thing that’s happened with my growing strength is that roller derby has finally given me a place to use that strength. Before, it was just about being strong because I wanted to be, and that’s of course the most important reason. But now, having something where those muscles and strength benefit me is actually really amazing.
I mentioned in that essay on RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE (roller derby), how I have very low dexterity and I’m not remotely agile. But there’s so many different ways to play derby, especially as a jammer, my favorite position to play (and also the one I am best at).
Some people are incredibly agile little rabbits that are impossible to catch and lock down. Me? My style is more RAR, CAP SMASH and I use my strength to push through the wall of blockers as often as I try to go around them. Both are perfectly valid tactics! And it’s really nice to be so well suited to the “I’m just a sledgehammer on wheels” kind!
My HAIR still remains super important to me, and happily still brings me so much joy. It has been a little difficult with the addition of roller derby, though, because any time I put my helmet on and get sweaty, my hair is absolutely destroyed. It needs a wash/detangle immediately after, and then doing the actual styling takes about an hour.
And I don’t always have time to style it the next day! Which has meant having some days where my hair is clean and all, but it doesn’t look like my usual hair, and that bothers me a lot. Just something I’ve got to live with if I’m going to keep playing roller derby, which I absolutely intend to do. I’m sure there’s a balance there, somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.
MY TATTOO continues to be perfect, although for the first time I’m contemplating getting another. I’d like to have a lot more, I think, but I don’t know what they might be. If something’s going to be on my body forever, it’s got to mean something to me. And I’m not interested in seeking those out, if that makes sense. But if and when something occurs to me, and it feels like it might be right, then I’m all in on it!
So right now it’s just an issue of being sure of what it is, and figuring out where I want it to go, the latter of which is proving much more difficult than the first, because this isn’t a full-arm or any kind of (even a half) sleeve. But once I get that settled, I hope to get it. And this actually happened because one of the people in my roller derby league is a tattoo artist and posted a new design she did that was really cool, and sparked the idea I have. So that’s fun.
Time for HRT-talk! Injections are still going okay, and I may be struggling with the act of giving them to myself a little less. But the way the E makes me feel and what it does for me continue to be absolute aces. No issues, A+, would recommend.
Progesterone continues as well, though I’m not sure if I’m getting any benefits from it anymore, at least in terms of physical changes. I haven’t seen much breast growth (or more in the hips or butt) in the past year, so those may have all stopped. Still helps me sleep better, though! And helps keep my sex drive alive to combat the way E made it crater.
But you can see in the below pic of my birthday fit last year that, even if they stop growing here, The Ladies E and P have been kind to me.
What has become clear, though, is that I need more low-cut tops because now that I can show them off… I kind of love showing them off? Look at them! Go ahead! I like looking at them too!
For the aforementioned financial reasons I haven’t been able to procure said low-cut tops since discovering I had enough bewb to show now, but that’s something I can hopefully find more of now, too.
In more boobie-related news, I had my first mammogram this year! It’s uncomfortable and weird to have a lady womanhandle your breasts to get them right on the machine and then squish the everloving fuck out of them.
But it’s important! Especially for trans ladies and nonbinary people on estrogen. Our mammograms aren’t based on age like they are for cis ladies, we’re supposed to start getting them after five years of HRT (this is apparently the same guideline used for post-menopausal cis women who are also on estrogen). We worked so hard to get these boobs, friends. Take care of them and keep them safe!
Periods have stayed gone! I don’t know why!
Still do not love my hands or fingers, which remain stubbornly the same as they were pre-transition. It’s a small thing, but they bother me a bit. Not enough to cause a dysphoria spike, but I look at them and I’m just like… c’mon, be more ladylike, would you? Not that I could even tell you necessarily what that would be! Transition is weird sometimes.
Is this leftover, residual INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA I’m dealing with? I dunno, but if my hands read more “lady hands” to me, I’d be happy about it.
Mental changes from HRT remain Most Excellent. Inner peace and self-love are great, it turns out. Give ‘em a try.
Style stays locked in, only… I think I’m moving away from some stuff I was presently okay with, mostly in the t-shirt realm. I was never fond of the “unisex” tees that are clearly just men’s t-shirts that they want to say are for “everybody” because it’s cheaper to only offer one style, but I just don’t like them much. I’ve cut the collars and sleeves on some, and that’s a fun kinda sporty/butchy style… but now I have a lot of shirts like that, and it is Too Many.
So I really do want to swap a lot of them out, even though I love them, for tees with a more feminine cut, or just other women’s tops entirely. Why must we have HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES? Well, we know the sexist reasons why, but still. Hopefully I can replace some of those this year too.
Lemme hit you with the new timeline photo! I continue to get hotter year by year, so by my ten year timeline photo I hope to be so hot it’s like looking at the sun.
Oh hey… have my eyes gotten even more green in this past year? Sure looks like it! How cool. (There are estrogen receptors in the eyes, this is a thing that can happen!)
And… that’s it! Not a whole lot of changes for me this year, which maybe stands to reason when you’re six years in and have gotten (mostly) all you’ve wanted out of transition. I just continue existing as myself, every damned day.
And that’s the best fucking thing in the entire world.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! The commodification of trans rights under capitalism has always been complicated and often awful, but things recently took a nosedive… by removing that commodification entirely. Let’s talk RAINBOW CAPITALISM 2: FROM BAD TO WORSE.
We can’t start this discussion without talking about RAINBOW CAPITALISM first. But this is part two, so hopefully you’ve already figured out you should read part one first, because you’re very smart (and have excellent taste in the trans essays posted to the internet that you choose to read).
The basic gist of it is that companies often only offer pride merchandise in June, while at the same time supporting politicians and policies that try to strip trans and queer people of our rights. It’s a naked ploy for our money and it in no way actually supports us.
Exceeeeppppt… trans people are part of the people who do business with these companies, so they should have merchandise targeted toward us. And it’s really nice to have things with the trans pride flag on it, because I’m so proud to be trans and I love my community.
The disconnect is in the double dealing they do, in not actually supporting trans rights. It’s very much a case of PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP and PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP. They may want to think of themselves as a good company that supports trans people (well, some of them might, but I also suspect many know exactly what they’re doing), or they want to be seen as supporting trans people, but hey if the Republicans are going to give their mega corporation more tax breaks… too bad! Saving some money and profit line always goes up is more important than your inalienable human rights!
And so it’s complicated, because we do want to be treated as valued customers, but it’s got to be honest with real world support. For a case of handling trans merchandising the right way, see RADICAL TRANS ACCEPTANCE for how, yes, my roller derby league offers trans merch, but they also back it up with action and year-round support of trans rights. It’s important to note that roller derby leagues are not corporations, mine is actually a non-profit made up entirely of volunteers, many of whom are trans and nonbinary themselves. What a difference that makes.
The fact that so many companies participating in rainbow capitalism are run nearly entirely by cis people is also part of the problem. If there are any trans people helping run the company, they’re likely the only one, or one of a very small handful, and thus are the least empowered to push for change.
It’s the same thing I’ve talked about in my TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022, 2023, 2024, and 2025 reports, where so many television shows have no trans people on the writing staff, or maybe one if we’re lucky. They’re almost never in the higher levels, and if they speak up about harmful representation or transphobic jokes, they’re the most likely to be punished for it, and possibly lose their jobs.
It’s the same in any business, and it’s why changing things for the better in terms of all of this requires more good cis people to hire more trans people, at all levels.
But recently things got even worse in the rainbow capitalism department, because For Reasons a very bad man and his smell-of-old-cabbage cronies gained control of the US government. They’re bigots through and through, in every way you can imagine. For more on the impact that’s had on me and the trans population, see THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE.
Capitalism is gonna capitalism, so a lot of companies that wanted to get on the very bad man’s good side (so they could get lower taxes, or get a merger approved, etc) donated to him and his “causes,” stabbing every trans and queer customer and employee of theirs in the back. They have directly enabled every bigoted move that man has made since he took office in 2025.
As part of that, so many of them that previously wanted to appear inclusive and like they were good companies who cared about people, rolled back their DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) programs. Those programs were designed to address the very problem I was just talking about… to make companies less white, less cisgender, less heterosexual, less ableist.
And so you see exactly why the fascist cishet white men in power hated it, because they view rights as pie. If anyone but them gains rights only they previously had, or a job only they previously had, they see it as a personal attack and believe they are being oppressed and there’s less pie for them. When they’ve been lionized and supported and told you’re the very best and most important special boy for their entire life, anyone not telling them that is like a slap in the face to them. It’s why I had to do an essay on CIS IS NOT A SLUR (there is no default human).
“A backlash against Target occurred in the lead up to Pride Month in 2023 after the American retailer released its Pride month merchandise, sparking attacks and threats from conservative anti-LGBTQ groups. In May 2024, Target announced that not all stores would carry its 2024 pride collection.”
“Target says it will no longer sell its 2024 Pride Month collection in all of its stores following last year’s conservative backlash over its LGBTQ+-themed merchandise. The retail giant said in a press release last week that it plans to offer its collection of products to celebrate Pride Month … during the month of June both online and in ‘select stores,’ depending on ‘historical sales performance.’”
They’re trying to play it both ways there. “We will still have Pride merch where the queers live, support us! But also look, very bad man, we removed most of it!”
“In a statement to NPR, a spokesperson for the retailer says it is committed to supporting the LGBTQ+ community not only during Pride Month but year-round.”
You actually don’t support us year-round, and you’re not even supporting us during Pride!
“[Target] added that in addition to selling LGBTQ-themed home and food and beverage items, apparel from its Pride collection this year will be tailored to adults. No Pride apparel for children will be sold.”
This is feeding right into the propaganda of trans and queer people as “groomers,” not to mention that trans kids exist and need support more than ever. This shit infuriates me.
It also silos us off to “the queer areas” of the US, but trans and queer people literally live everywhere. And not only that, in the areas where it’s less safe for us to be openly out, big stores selling Pride merch there normalizes our existence in areas that badly need it. And these absolutely giant companies with profits in the billions are mostly protected from bigoted blowback, because bigots are just a very loud but actually small minority.
Doesn’t matter to them. They fear the bigots, probably because the bigots are the constituents of the Republicans that these companies donate to to get their precious lower tax rates.
“Target shifted a less flamboyant collection of Pride Month merchandise back to make room for patriotic, Independence Day displays in-store and Father’s Day online as other major retailers are likewise reducing emphasis on Pride displays and focusing more on other summer shopping holidays…”
Replacing Pride merch with jingoistic items to celebrate our country that’s full of colonialism, genocide, systemic racism, systemic misogyny, systemic transphobia, and more is… so on the nose I’d like to tell the writers of reality that I think a little subtlety might go a long way.
“Tech company IBM and beer brewer Constellation Brands are reportedly among the latest in a wave of corporations retreating from diversity, equity and inclusion policies amid pressure to comply with President Donald Trump’s executive orders gutting DEI and online attacks from conservative influencers.”
“Companies are treading lightly, avoiding prominent campaigns and visible public support. Thirty-nine percent say they plan to scale back public Pride Month engagements this year, according to a survey of more than 200 corporate executives… That includes sponsoring Pride events, posting supportive messages of LGBTQ rights on social media and selling Pride-themed merchandise. Consumer brands are wary of provoking right-wing customers and activists, and they fear reprisals from President Donald Trump’s administration. Federal agencies have threatened to investigate companies with diversity, equity and inclusion programs.”
I’ve noticed, and people have mentioned to me that they’ve seen this too, that companies that do still have Pride merchandise, or that brought it back in any capacity… did so with the classic rainbow pride flag. Many would have no trans pride options, and not even use the progress pride flag that includes trans people. Anything that would even hint that that pink-white-blue combo was simply gone.
This is all anecdotal, sadly, as I couldn’t find any actual reporting on it. But given how little any trans issues are covered at all outside of the bigoted framing of us losing our rights, I shouldn’t be surprised.
One of the places I first noticed this was with Pride merchandise for my beloved Star Trek. I’ve talked about how important Trek is to me in many of these essays, and especially in A TRANS RE-WEDDING, where it was the theme of our entire celebration.
Here’s a little snippet from that RAINBOW CAPITALISM essay on how much having Trek Pride merch actually meant to me.
I got an email from the officialStar Trek shop about their new Pride collection, and I excitedly clicked right over… only to find all of it was only in the classic rainbow Pride flag colors. There were no trans options, or even progress pride options, to be found.
And you can see exactly how that made me feel in the social media post I made immediately after visiting the site:
There were a lot of other trans people who were rightly really upset about us seemingly being removed from the Trek Pride celebration, because we had been part of it before. It felt like erasure.
Multiple people reached out to them about it… apparently a lot of people, several of whom sent me the reply they received.
I truly want to believe this was just an accidental oversight, that the design already had all the approvals (it’s a nice design! I don’t hate it!) and so they used it, and didn’t realize what the lack of trans options would be saying, both based on their past availability and the political climate we’re in. Especially with the slogan “space for everybody.” When you couple that with the seeming removal of trans people, it feels like you don’t believe we’re part of the community.
But you know what would have helped avoid this? Trans people having input on the design and release of your Pride month merchandise. Same as at any company, or any writers room. There are things cis people just aren’t going to see or realize, because they can’t.
Now that absolutely is a form response, because everyone who contacted them and shared their reply with me had identical replies, but… maybe that’s actually a good thing. Because if they were truly getting as many complaints as they say, it would be impossible for them to respond to them all individually. If they’d only received a couple, the replies would have been shorter and unique.
“Across the country, faith leaders and civil rights activists are calling for boycotts, urging Black consumers to redirect their spending to Black-owned businesses or stores and companies that remain committed to DEI.”
And it’s, uh… working. So much so that their CEO even stepped down.
“‘Target is really struggling and does not seem to be able to climb out of the hole it has dug itself into,’ … The company has also faced intense customer backlash for its retreat on some diversity initiatives. Earlier this year, the company ended some of its DEI programs. The decision angered supporters of diversity and inclusion policies, who felt blindsided by Target. Customers online protested Target’s decision, and Target acknowledged its move hurt its sales.”
There are companies who’ve stood up to the fascists and refused to comply by cancelling their DEI programs. They’re showing an actual commitment to doing the right thing, if you can believe it. Here’s a list of twenty-five major companies who pushed back.
“As President Trump and his allies wage war on diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, some companies are refusing to cave. While others like Target, Amazon, Walmart, and McDonald’s have backpedaled under political pressure, these businesses have stood firm. These are the companies committed to recognizing that diversity isn’t a liability — it’s a strength.”
And one of those is my beloved Costco, who I adore not just for their food court pizza (tho that is, like, at least 73% of the reason).
“One of the first companies on the list to announce its commitment, Costco has been applauded for its firm support of its DEI policies. Costco has kept its DEI initiatives, launching training programs focused on unconscious bias and cultural competency, ensuring that employees at all levels are equipped to support an inclusive workplace. …Over 98 percent of Costco’s shareholders voted against a proposed anti-DEI initiative, as the board said it believes ‘our commitment to an enterprise rooted in respect and inclusion is appropriate and necessary.’ This decision has led to widespread support with ‘buy-ins’ taking place across the country…”
Costco was actually one of the very best experiences I ever had in trying to update my membership with my new name, after it had been legally changed. See INCLUSIVE BUREAUCRACY to see just how easy it can be when you actually care.
“Total sales were up 11.6% to $69.2B in FQ3, which was a higher growth rate than other major retailers such as Walmart (WMT), Target (TGT), Best Buy (BBY), and Dollar General (DG) saw with their roughly overlapping earnings reports.”
“Even though Target’s most recent quarterly earnings report was better than expected, comparable sales fell 2.5% and overall revenue plunged 1.5% year over year. And the company is facing huge challenges as consumers broadly reduce their discretionary spending due to financial pressures.”
Ah, but Costco sells gas and Target doesn’t, and gas is super expensive now! Sure. BUT-
“Excluding the impacts from higher gas prices, overall comparable [Costco] sales increased 7.8% in April, while digital comparable sales grew 18.4% for the month.”
“Costco topped revenue forecasts late Thursday, bolstered by higher comparable sales and membership fee income. But earnings for the wholesaler came in below estimates. The report lands amid growing concerns that higher fuel prices and inflation pressures could be stifling consumer spending. Retailers TargetTGT and WalmartWMT earlier this month reported “resilient” consumer spending, partially bolstered by tax refunds and stimulus measures. But those benefits will fade throughout the year, which weighed on their outlooks.”
“…a survey from the consumer analytics firm Numerator has found customer foot traffic and market share have shifted from Target to Costco, particularly among shoppers who say DEI is important. In terms of year-over-year visits, the firm said Target saw nearly 5 million fewer shopping trips during the four weeks ending on February 9. By contrast, Costco saw nearly 7.7 million more visits during the same period.”
“A new poll conducted by GLAAD ahead of Pride Month shows that large majorities of Americans support companies that support Pride as well as politicians who oppose anti-LGBTQ+ attacks. The poll found that 68% of registered voters agreed that companies and brands should be able to show support to the LGBTQ+ community. Additionally, 61% believe public corporate support of the LGBTQ+ community has a positive impact on the community’s acceptance, and 76% are more likely to trust a brand that sticks to its values and stands up for what is right, even if it is controversial.”
And that’s the thing about this entire issue, from the Trek merch site apparently being flooded with complaints to Target profits absolutely cratering, while Costco fought back and now makes even more money than they did before:
And I don’t just mean all queer people, who are a much larger group but still a vast minority compared to all the cishet people in this country.
I mean trans people, and all queer people, and cishet people who actually care about us.
We vastly outnumber the bigots. Two thirds of this country did not vote to put that very bad man in office. Not enough tried to stop him, but that’s a different issue. Most people are not bigots and have no problem with trans people.
Companies supporting us, and standing up for us, actually makes the good two thirds of this country like them more. Why worry about the bigoted third when you could have all of the other two thirds?!
Oh right, tax breaks. A whole lot of good those do you when your profits are in the toilet, tho!
Meanwhile Costco’s over here keeping their integrity and making bank. Supporting us is the morally right thing to do, but even from a naked capitalistic greed standpoint, it’s the right thing to do!
There are more of us than there are of them.
And it’s high time everyone started acting like it.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we dive into what happens when trans women actually call out those responsible for fetishizing us, and look at where this all comes from. You won’t believe it… but then again, maybe you will. Here’s CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN 2: REACTIONS AND ORIGINS.
And it’s important that you do understand that, so you comprehend the extent of the problem. We’re not just being overly sensitive, or “emotional women” who blow things out of proportion. And if you think that means there’s a misogynistic component to all this, you’re absolutely right.
But it’s not just misogyny, it’s also transphobia. What we’re discussing is the intersection of the two: transmisogyny. Just like the good TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY that we must continually strive for and push to make happen, trans women sit at the intersection of those two bigotries and it affects us in unique ways.
This is not in any way condoning or minimizing the sexualization and harassment that cis women face. It’s disgusting, it’s awful, and it’s wrong. But so is transmisogyny, and the fetishization of trans women is where it’s important that we talk about the differences.
While trans women and cis women share in a lot of the same abuse from the same people, what trans women experience is also different and it’s so important to talk about that. Because if we don’t, people don’t know. This isn’t just garden variety sexism, it goes so much deeper.
After a particular bout of bad chasers, I made a short and incredibly straightforward social media post.
I posted this across all social media that I’m on, because again, on all of them chasers are a problem, to different degrees.
This time, it was the fediverse/mastodon that collectively lost its shit. I got so much equivocation from so many people.
Many were along the lines of, “um more than cis white men are sexual harassers actually.” When I certainly never said they were the only offenders, I was just specifically talking to them.
That is… clearly not what I said. At all. I got a lot of those. Eventually I felt compelled to respond.
And then I got a lot of, “Um actually, cis women get sexually harassed too.” Which is like saying “all lives matter” in response to “Black lives matter,” y’know? Yes all women get sexually harassed and yes all lives matter, but we are talking about a specific issue and we need you to listen.
If the last line of my reply there pulled you up short… keep reading.
These are just some of the examples I thought to screencap, but there were so many more. There were some that enraged me so much that I entirely forgot about screencaps entirely… like the dude who suggested I “should not speak for all trans women because some of them probably like it,” the “it” there being sexual harassment.
But I do have my reply to him.
Because what it came down to, for these folks, was that a trans woman could not talk about one specific problem that affects her, and the cause of it, without people rushing in to make false equivalencies and excuses for why we do not need to talk about exactly that.
If you don’t think a whole lot of that is wrapped up in our societal implicit (and often very explicit!) transmisogyny, you’re not really paying attention. Society teaches us all continually to not believe women, and to not trust trans people, and thus to not believe or trust trans women. Please, again, see IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA if you do not understand.
But the flip side of that is that our society also implicitly tells us that cis white men are the best thing there is to be. They are to be held in esteem, respected…defended. No matter what. They cannot be wrong! Look at how impossible it is to actually prosecute sex crimes in this country. Look at how cis white men can get away with millions of things anyone of any other race or gender combo simply cannot. Because the cis white men in power will excuse themselves, and punish everyone else… for the very things they themselves are doing.
If this sounds a whole lot like the Republican tactic of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender), where the bigoted people in power accuse everyone else of doing the thing they themselves are doing in an effort to obscure their own actions, there’s a very good reason.
Their supporters famously concocted the “Pizzagate” “scandal” about Democrats running a child sex trafficking ring out of the basement of a pizza shop… that didn’t have a basement.
It is no coincidence that Pizzagate sprung up during 2016, the first time Trump was elected. Because guess who’s mentioned in the Epstein files (about an actual child sex trafficking ring perpetrated by… the world’s richest cis white men!) more than ONE THOUSAND TIMES.
“As trans people see their rights eroded by the Trump administration, written news coverage of the trans community is dominated by a single outlet, the New York Times. Among the major news outlets we tracked, the Times had by far the most stories mentioning the trans community, and the lowest percentage of stories that quoted a trans person.”
Also… yes, of course more than just Republicans use DARVO. Any cis man in power will use it, a lot! But this is not about all cis men, it’s about a specific subset at the root of the problem we’re talking about. The white ones.
Because Republicans are the ones working so hard to take all trans rights away. Some of them don’t even hide it. Let me bring back this one incredibly bizarre chaser example from CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN part 1:
And this is where I explain the last line of my social media post above:
“I am talking about cis white men who are chasers and have orchestrated the entire anti-trans movement.”
Here’s a document released in the Epstein files, that I really need you to read. It’s not one of the ones with the worst, most awful details about what those horrendous people did to children, but it’s really important.
I am… horrified and disgusted to have to share this. But I have to.
“Trivers was a key figure within Epstein’s circle regarding Epstein’s interest in funding “research” about transgender people.”
Maybe they were just horndogs! You’re reading into things, Tilly! Was Trivers really that bad? Well in addition to his crackpot theory that finger length determined transness, there’s this choice quote.
“Notably, in 2015, Trivers was interviewed by Reuters about his financial relationship with Epstein, saying that the financier remained a friend even despite his allegations of sexual abuse of a minor. “Did he get an easy deal? Did he buy himself a light sentence? Well, yes, probably, compared to what you or I would get, but he did get locked up,” Trivers told the publication at the time, adding, “By the time they’re 14 or 15, they’re like grown women were 60 years ago, so I don’t see these acts as so heinous,” he said.”
“In one email, Trivers pulled off the Triple Crown of transphobia. He is clearly a chaser who wants to use his status as a researcher to naturalize his own sexual appetites. … Epstein explicitly funded Trivers’ work on trans people…”
When you go back to that email from Trivers to Epstein that I included, they are literally talking about making trans women so that they can sexually subjugate us. They despise trans people, but feel because we are “feminized men” they can dominate us and literally treat us like sex slaves. Now you see why they call us “shemales” and “femboys.” The emphasis is on the part of us that they identify as “male.”
To force us into sex work to get access to our hormones and other transition care. Doctors used to do this to trans women all the time, mind you. See TRANSMEDICALISM (and WPATH version 1) for more.
“Dr. Jess Ting is a plastic surgeon and surgical director of Mount Sinai’s Center for Transgender Medicine and Surgery in New York City. He is a pioneer in the field of vaginoplasty, having innovated the peritoneal vaginoplasty technique for transfemme bottom surgeries.
He’s also all over the Epstein files.
His name appears in the files over 900 times, though many of these are emails in which the surgeon is CCed or on a longer email chain with other people. There are no implications that Ting engaged in any malfeasance or criminal activity related to Epstein’s international pedophile ring, but it’s clear that the two had a personal and professional relationship with each other that lasted past the time Epstein was initially charged with sex-related crimes.”
She was mocked by the press, the story a sensational “shock” about her gender and not the assault she survived.
“…with a transphobic smear campaign… In 2007, it was seen as acceptable to call a trans victim’s testimony into question. Why? Because trans people were still seen as “crazy,” as people who were lying about their gender, and potentially everything else. At a time when trans people weren’t seen as reliable narrators of their own stories or bodies, Cordero’s bravery was shunned, mocked, and shamed.”
“Lawrence Krauss, Richard Dawkins, Steven Pinker and other anti-trans influencers personally benefited from a right-wing academic social group backed by infamous human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, sometimes meeting at his island.”
The rise of transphobia and the fetishization of trans women are inextricably linked, because they were all orchestrated at a societal level by the same people.
“What is new is that, starting around 2015—in the wake of increased trans visibility in the media (sometimes called the “transgender tipping point”) and the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell legalizing same-sex marriage—social conservatives began shifting their efforts toward targeting trans people instead. The attacks have since grown into a highly coordinated and well–funded movement that churns out both anti-trans and broader anti-LGBTQ legislation at unprecedented levels. This is the real reason why Republicans have become obsessed with “fairness in women’s sports,” “biological sex,” “social contagion,” “restrooms,” “grooming,” and other soundbites that didn’t exist ten or fifteen years ago. In other words, there hasn’t been an organic shift in public opinion on trans people but rather a massive astroturfing campaign against us.”
“Trans porn’s popularity appears to be in keeping with the general trends of the past few years. Last year, searches for “trans” grew 141%, with views of the trans category growing by 23%. In 2017, Pornhub also published a report specifically on the popularity of trans porn; for the most part, and for better or worse, it found that the popularity of trans porn has been steadily increasing since the mid-2010s.
This particular bump in the popularity of trans porn, in addition to last year’s growth, is of course happening at the same time that lawmakers have introduced the highest number of anti-trans and general anti-LGBTQ+ bills in history. That these two occurrences are simultaneous is probably no coincidence. Last year, an Alabama republican lawmaker who voted to criminalize doctors who provide minors with transition-related healthcare was caught liking trans porn on Twitter. And a study from Lawsuit.org additionally found that Google users in Republican states are overwhelmingly responsible for the popularity of certain trans-related porn search terms, like “shemale” and “tranny.””
“With more than 4.7 Million transgender porn related Google searches each month (per Ahrefs.com), do Republicans represent those searching most? The answer seems to be a clear YES. … In fact, the more Republican they are, the more they seem to like it.”
There is a ton of good data in the above linked article, like this:
Top 20 Most Transgender Porn Obsessed Metro Areas Wichita Falls TX & Lawton, OK Atlanta, GA Denver, CO Nashville, TN Sioux Falls, SD Paducah, KY Minneapolis, MN Little Rock, AR Lexington, KY Bismarck, ND Amarillo, TX Lincoln, NE Oklahoma City, OK Charleston, WV Indianapolis, IN Springfield, MA Dallas, TX Memphis, TN Richmond, VA Kansas City, MO
And these… illuminating graphs.
The demographic that consumes the most trans porn is also older…
“Looking at the popularity of trans porn compared to other age groups, we found the 18-24 age group was –22% as likely to watch trans porn as other demographics. The next age group, 25-34, was –1% as likely to watch it. After that, the older people get, the more likely they are to watch trans porn. It rises from +4% in the 35-44 age group to +21% for the 65+ age group.“
“…boomers take the crown as the age group who consumes the most transgender videos on Pornhub. Isn’t it ironic how the generation that speaks out against trans rights happens to be the biggest fan of the genre? The call is always coming from inside the house!”
What you have to understand is these right-wing men have bought into the lie of what a man is “supposed” to be, and it’s made them miserable. Trans people prove you don’t actually have to listen to anyone who tells you who you have to be, you can be your true self and be happy.
Trans women were collectively “gifted” with being labeled cis males at birth, and society says that’s the best thing anyone can be. And we’ve collectively said:
NAH.
And to them, that means their misery is their own fault, for buying into the lies. They can’t have that!
So they gotta call us men while at the same time hating their own attraction to us (because we’re not men!) and that comes out in the form of fetishization and dehumanization.
We are just things to be used and worth nothing more to them, all so they can feel still in control of who they are and what the world is.
The evidence is incontrovertible, really. It’s all right there in front of you if you bother to look.
Do the chasers in my DMs know they’re doing what Epstein and Trivers and so many others wanted? Likely not. Chasers have existed for as long as trans women have.
But those dudes know it benefits them, as cis white men, because it was originated to do exactly that. These right wing bigots idolize their rich figureheads, which is where they learned (albeit often implicitly) to treat trans women as nothing more than dehumanized sex objects.
The fetishization of trans women is wrapped up in all of that, as is THE ERASURE OF TRANS MEN, which is pointedly done because their existence refutes everything these terrible white cis men stand for.
It’s all connected.
Stop doing the work of bigoted racist transmisogynist ultra rich cis white men, and treat us like actual human beings.
And if you don’t start seeing it, and believing trans women when we talk about it, things are only going to get worse.
If you want to make things better, you need to start by listening when we tell you what our experiences are.
Not “correcting” us, not “but all women”-ing us, not “but all cis men”-ing us.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! National Coming Out Day is approaching, so let’s get into what can be a difficult and complicated issue for so many of us: COMING OUT AS TRANS.
When people hear the words “coming out,” I think so many default to seeing it as a celebration, a joyous occasion, a party. And it definitely can be those things, but it’s also much more complicated than that.
And I want to be sure you realize right up front that while all queer people who choose to come out as their true selves share similarities, it’s very different for trans folks than it is for other varieties of queer people. Especially right now, in this political climate we’re in.
I didn’t have the word to describe my transness for most of my life, or a childhood where I could have come out and lived as my true self, but if I had had those things, I definitely could have come out at a really young age.
But in the real world that didn’t happen, and I finally realized and accepted the truth that I was trans in 2014. As I’ve mentioned many times in these essays, I had a hard date I knew I could not transition until, in 2020. It’s personal, and unless we are good friends I’m just not going to tell you for reasons that are my own. But it was nothing nefarious, no person was terrible to me about it and forced me to wait.
Those six years were some of the hardest in my entire life, doing what little I could to start my transition in “socially acceptable” ways (see BODY HACKING for more).
And I remember when a certain person was elected in 2016 thinking… well shit, how the hell do I come out in 2020 now, when he’ll still be president? And he and his administration are so horribly transphobic?
Given where we’re at now in 2025, with him back in office and the onslaught of anti-trans laws ramping up even higher than his first term… I look back at the me of 2016 and feel like yeah, she was right, but she had no idea how bad it was really going to get.
But as the time when I could fully begin my social and medical transition drew nearer, I knew I couldn’t not transition. I also knew I couldn’t not come out. I’d spent a lifetime hiding and suppressing who I really was, and the pain of that was so great that I couldn’t bear it a second longer than I had to. Even knowing the extra danger it would put me in, given the way anti-trans rhetoric was ramping up.
Just after midnight on January 1, 2020, I “came out” to my wife Susan. And that’s not really true, because she’d known about (and helped me deal with!) my feelings that I was trans all along. We have superb communication and tell each other everything, I highly recommend it.
But that was when I told her I felt like had to transition, for sure. I felt like I was drowning (see GENDER DYSPHORIA), and told her so. And even then, BOYMODING was hurting me more and more every day, and would only get worse and worse, until I finally stopped doing it altogether.
In early March of that year, I went to a Hollywood makeup artist who did makeovers for trans women, and it changed everything. This social media post I made that day shows up in multiple Trans Tuesdays, because it was such a monumental shift in my life. (Do not let the avatar or username on the post fool you, at the time I looked nothing like that and my handle was still my deadname, but I grabbed this screenshot of it a couple years after coming out).
That was the first time I ever caught a glimpse of the real me in a mirror. It wasn’t even close to the real me, mind you. I have photos from that day. A lot of them. I can’t really stand to look at them, they’re perhaps the most dysphoria-inducing photos I have.
Because it’s that guy who was never me, but with the tiniest, most infinitesimal bits of the real me, buried under so much pain. But it was enough. It was enough to know I had to do it, for real. I was one hundred percent going to transition.
We were in the tail end of a certain cretin’s first term as president, and I had no idea if he’d be elected again. I had no idea how the next years would play out.
I wouldn’t let that stop me.
Covid hit, and things were so bad, and I had no idea what the world would be going forward. See A PANDEMIC TRANSITION for more.
I wouldn’t let that stop me.
See TRANS MOTIVATION for more on the ways the need to be our true selves can drive us to do things we never thought we could.
On July 7, 2020, I came out to the world (I’d come out to close friends and family throughout the week prior). And yes, that was a Tuesday. I’d already planned to do Trans Tuesdays from the start (see WHAT IS TRANS TUESDAY? for more on how it’s inextricably linked to my transition and my coming out).
This has never been posted to this site in the entire time I’ve been doing Trans Tuesdays, but here’s what I said to the world on that day:
So! Doing this in the time of covid was… something. I dunno what your pandemic project of choice was, but maybe not like mine. I’m still married to Susan. But as you won’t recognize the handle change, you knew me as [deadname]. Hi! I’m transgender, and my name is Tilly. 🙂
There’s so much I want to say. So much I have to say. Rejecting the white male society saw me as, and told me I was, means giving up so much of my privilege. Believe me, I know. But I’m still white. I’m 6’2”. I’m not ripped, but I have obvious musculature.
And I live in a safe neighborhood, in the most liberal and accepting state in the country. The amazing friends in my life I’ve already told have been nothing but kind, compassionate, and supportive of me. Every single one of them!
I still have so much more privilege than many trans people, especially trans women of color, especially Black trans women. No trans person, no trans woman, owes the world any more information than they want to provide.
They’re hesitant to be open about things, and for good goddamned reason. But I’m going to use my privilege. I’m going to be as open and honest as I can. I’ll be making weekly posts with #TransTuesday to talk about transitioning…
To talk about things in society you might not notice if you’re not transitioning yourself. I don’t claim to speak for all trans people, and certainly not even all white trans women. All I can offer are my own thoughts and experiences.
But I hope I can increase understanding, at least a little bit. If it helps one other trans person in any way, or if it helps one other person understand someone in their life who’s transitioning, it’ll be worth it. I want to help. If I can.
And I’d like to take a second to mention some people who’ve helped me, many who maybe didn’t even realize it. I’m terrified I’m going to forget people, but there are people I absolutely have to thank.
To the trans ladies who inspired me with their courage and heart, you made me feel as though I could be me. Lilah Sturges, Magdalene Visaggio, Jamie Clayton, Nicole Maines, Dana Levinson, Laverne Cox, Kristine Chester and Lana and Lilly Wachowski.
To the writers/producers who made me feel that my being trans would never exclude Susan and me from working in the industry we love, your visible support of trans people made me feel like this wasn’t career suicide:
Jon Rogers, Jennifer Court, Geoff Thorne, Tze Chun, Amy Berg, Bo Yeon Kim, Javi Grillo-Marxuach, Jeff Lieber, David Slack, Jose Molina.
To animation writer/producers, and comics editors and publishers, whose visible support made me feel like being trans would never exclude us from being hired: Mairghread Scott, Ellen Tremiti Waltke, Aaron Waltke, Dafna Pleban, Heather Antos, Andrea Shea, Barbra Dillon, Bryant Dillon, Damian Wassel.
There were so, so many things that went into me figuring this out, which I’ll go into over time with #TransTuesday, but one very real corollary fear was if discrimination would prevent Susan and me from being writers. It’s what we want most (and are pretty fucking good at tbh).
Your support matters. All of my friends and their private support, and all the people mentioned in this thread helped me believe it was okay to be me in this world. Please keep supporting LGBTQ+ folks. You have no idea the lives you’re changing. It honestly means the world.
Look how long this thread is. See? I’m still me. 🙂 Anyway, right, yeah, okay, I think I’m done? Who knows. IT’S ALL A PROCESS OKAY? Come along on the journey with me. Maybe we’ll all learn something.
Oh, and if you’re looking for writers of kickass hopeful sci-fi with blue sky imagination, from what might be the only married cis woman/trans woman writing team around (are there others? Tell us! I want to know them!!), Susan and I would love to talk to you. 💜
Tilly Bridges, end transmission. (I didn’t plan to end my coming out this way, it just happened as I wrote it, and I liked it so much it stuck)
I tagged as many people mentioned in that post as had accounts, and then this happened:
Lilly and I have talked several times since then, by the way. She’s one of the loveliest, kindest people on the planet. She even gave us this lovely blurb when we were crowdfunding our short film, Long Away! (you can learn more about that film in the essay on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU (aka my dad).)
When your heroes turn out to be wonderful people? Yeah that’s the best thing ever.
And I regret to inform you that you don’t just come out once. As I mentioned, I came out privately to some family and friends before I came out publicly. But then I also had to come out to the DMV, and the bank, and our AAA car service, and our auto insurance, and and and and and. There’s a million services and websites you need to change your name on, and for some of those you can’t do it without contacting someone at the company, and having to come out to them, too, just to get them to change your name in their system. It’s a long and exhausting process. I had to take them one or two at a time, so I didn’t get overwhelmed. But I did it.
I’ve also said this a million times, and aha, now I have an essay to point to when I say it again: coming out and being ourselves, showing our joy living as our true selves, inspires others to do it too. I thanked the trans ladies who inspired me. Others who came before inspired them. I’ve inspired others since I came out (I’m not self-aggrandizing, people have directly told me… especially due to these essays and Begin Transmission).
So if we can come out, if it’s safe for us to do so, it’s vital, not just for us, but for every trans and nonbinary person down the line who will see us and believe they can do it too.
This is one of the key questions Matrix Reloaded explores in its trans allegory. If we knew how truly difficult cis people would make our lives when we come out, would we still come out and transition? And the answer is yes, but why? Why?
We do it for ourselves, because we deserve to live authentic and happy lives. But just as important is that we do it for them, for those who come after. For the one person who sees us smiling and joyous and thinks they can do it, too. We can save ourselves, and we can save each other (look, just read Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix already, willya? Ok thx).
But then it’s not that easy, is it? Because for so many of us it’s not safe to come out, due to geographic location, political and legislative and physical violence, the possibility we’ll lose our homes and jobs (which happens a lot, see THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY REPORT part 4 for more).
Even when we know, even when we know, people will accept us… there’s still a chance they won’t. I was terrified the first time I told my wife Susan I thought I might be trans. I was terrified on January 1, 2020, when I told her I felt like I had to transition to survive. I was terrified after my makeover when I told her I knew I was going to transition for sure.
She’s been nothing but wonderful, loving, and supportive the entire way! She’s never been bigoted or hateful towards anyone, including trans people.
But so many times, for so many of us, even those with spouses or family who are entirely supportive of trans people, we see that “entirely supportive” isn’t true as soon as it’s someone in their lives. Suddenly they’d have to be seen with us and that changes how they’re seen, and now they absolutely cannot have that (guess what, friends? That’s transphobia. See CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT for more).
Suddenly their CIS GRIEF is more important than us no longer living a torturous lie and being in pain for our entire lives.
AND THAT IS BULLSHIT.
None of us should have to deal with that! But the reality is that we do.
And that makes coming out an incredibly complex and difficult thing.
Despite the fact that in my coming out post I said all my friends and family accepted me without question, that’s not entirely true.
After that post, I had some people who I thought were friends get mad that I didn’t tell them privately. They were upset that they had to find out with the rest of the world.
My mother in law has been especially terrible since that post, and was routinely deadnaming and misgendering me, to the point where even our kid stood up to her and told her to stop it. Now she just doesn’t mention me at all, it’s like I died, or never existed. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse, but either way it’s terrible.
But nobody gets to tell you how to come out! Nobody gets to tell you when to come out, or if you have to come out at all.
I believe in the depths of my heart that we owe it to ourselves, and to each other, to be out and living as our true selves… but only if it is safe and the right time for us to do so. The sad reality is that, for some people, it will never be safe or the right time due to outside factors in their lives.
We should not be angry at those people. Imagine how difficult that must be, and the suffering they’re going through. I know several people stuck in that situation, who can only be themselves online or anonymously. I know the pain they’re in.
So let me wrap it up with this:
I want all of us to be able to come out and be our true selves. I want you to be able to come out and be your true self. I hope with my whole being that you’re able to, when the time is right and it’s safe for you to do so. Whenever that may be.
If you can’t come out, I see you. You are no less trans. You’re trans if you say you are (see YES YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH), whether you can come out or not. Whether you can or want to transition or not.
Nobody gets to tell you how, when, or if you should come out. It’s all up to you, and that’s how it should be.
And I hope, I hope, I hope with everything I am, that one day soon you’ll get to join us in the sun.
When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you with open arms.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! We conclude our talk on trans kids by learning what most go through just to access that care, and what their parents will do to protect them, in THE INTAKE EXAM AND TRANS FLIGHT.
Be sure you’ve read TRANS KIDS 1: FACTS AND DANGERS, so you know what is actually involved in transition care for youth, and the dangers of withholding it from them.
And here’s where we get into the intake exam, which most cis folks have literally no idea about. Now there are places in this country that have informed consent for trans people… you go in, certify that you consent to the treatment, and you get treated. These places are vanishing quickly with the legislative assault on trans care, however.
In the rare places that might have informed consent for trans kids, what does that look like? It’s something the entire medical establishment has rules for, to deal with everything related to kids and their medical care, gender-affirming care or not. Doctors know how to handle all these medical issues with kids! Trans care is no different!
What if a medical provider does not have informed consent for gender-affirming healthcare? Well let me tell you about what it was like, and how difficult it was for me, as an adult. I could have found an informed consent provider, there are several here in Los Angeles.
But they would not have been covered by my insurance. Gender affirming care paid for out of pocket is just not feasible for many trans folks, who are often financially unstable due to the employment and housing discrimination we face. One in five trans people has been discriminated against when seeking housing, one in ten has been evicted due to anti-trans discrimination.
For a whole lot of us paying out of pocket for transition care just is not feasible. So for those of us lucky enough to even have insurance, we have little choice other than to do what our healthcare insurance and provider require.
The first thing that happened when I told my doctor I was trans and wanted to transition was her referring me to a psychologist. Not because she thought being transgender is a mental illness, but because it’s their policy.
Some of the reason is that mental illness can often be worsened by (and even caused by) gender dysphoria, so of course they want to check for that and be sure you get whatever help you may need on that front. Which is good and I absolutely understand and appreciate that.
But… they also want to “make sure” you’re trans, again showing they’re more concerned about not letting a cis person make a mistake than they are about helping actual trans people get the care we need.
They wouldn’t even consider referring me to an endocrinologist to begin HRT until I had my intake exam with the psychologist.
This psychologist was a specialist in gender and transitioning. She’s my go-to for any other referrals I need for other services related to transitioning. Voice therapy, laser/electrolysis hair removal, gender confirmation surgeries, etc.
So how did this lady determine I was trans? We had a very long talk, and she had a billion questions to ask me.
And. I. Had. To. Justify. My. Existence. As. A. Woman.
Please sit with that for a minute.
Have you ever had to convince someone you’re a man or a woman? How would you do that? Especially when you can’t reduce it to your secondary sexual characteristics.
I mean even outside of being trans, the entire point of feminism is that women (or anyone) cannot be reduced to nothing but their reproductive organs. All of us are more than the sex junk we were born with, despite what right wing bigots want us to think, because they see cis women as nothing more than babymaking machines.
I had to dig up every memory I could find, in the course of my years of self-examination, where looking back I could see signs of my dysphoria, of my longing to be the girl I knew I was. I had to prove to a total stranger that I am who I say I am.
And if I failed?
Too bad, Tilly.
You don’t get the medical care you need to make your life worth living.
Does that scare you? It should. It fucking scared me.
Because what if I didn’t say the right thing? What if because my dysphoria revolved mostly around my face, chest, and my body hair, and not my crotch, she decided I wasn’t “trans enough” to transition? By the way, YES YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH no matter how much or how little medical or social transition you do or want.
It’s just terrifying and awful. It’s a nightmare. I don’t know how to tell you what it’s like.
I’m a writer, and I can’t find the words for it.
And what you have to understand is the trans kids who want puberty blockers, all of those kids who are already on puberty blockers… the vast majority don’t have informed consent. They go through varying versions of this.
And a doctor, a psychologist trained in gender and transitioning, has listened to them and made the medical determination that it’s in the patient’s best interest to be on those puberty blockers. Especially given, again, they make no permanent changes to the body!
So what right does any government have to interfere in a matter between patients and their doctors? If you’re seeing stark parallels between trans folks and their transition care, and cis women and trans men and nonbinary people with uteruses and their right to choice… yeah, weird huh? Maybe think about why that is.
Every trans kid has already done more self-examination than a whole lot of cis adults ever do in their entire lives. And I’m so thankful some of them have safe home environments in which to do that, but I know also that many do not. I certainly didn’t.
And don’t give me bullshit about supportive environments, or being exposed to the very idea of trans people, as being “brainwashing” or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Hey cis folks, how much trans acceptance would make you suddenly not feel like a man or woman?
Is it zero? Of course it’s fucking zero. No amount of exposure to trans people is going to make cis people suddenly trans, just as no amount of exposure to cis people is going to suddenly make trans people cisgender.
Where the fear comes in is that learning about trans people, seeing us, may make you think you might be trans too. Might make your kids wonder. And some of you might discover that you are. And that scares the shit out of them.
Because it means everyone you know, and all of society, has been lying to you. It means the very foundation of our society’s patriarchal white supremacy, that men are manly men fighters who feel only lust and anger, that women are demure subservient babymakers, is a fucking lie. And then you see all the other lies our society is founded on in terms of racism, ableism, xenophobia, fatphobia, ageism, and on and on.
It means admitting you got conned about who you are, and choosing to make it right because you know yourself better than anyone else, and you don’t have to be who anyone else tells you to be.
Even if you’re not trans, just thinking about whether or not you are (which may just reconfirm your cisness!) means waking up to the lies you’ve been force fed for your entire life.
And sadly, when people learn they’ve been scammed, most can’t admit to themselves that they got took, so they double-down on the scam… rather than change and chase actual, real happiness. It’s the sunk cost fallacy. They’ve invested so much in believing the lie, they can’t risk it all now, especially when society rewards you for conforming.
After all you’ve seen over these two essays, you’re going to tell me these kids are faking it? Their parents don’t know how vital that care is for them? That you think those kids should be forced through unimaginable suffering that many won’t survive?
If so, please fling yourself into the sun immediately.
It’s so hard for trans people right now, even more so for trans kids. I need you to let them know you support them. You’re there for them. You’re going to fight for them and defend them with everything you’ve got.
I don’t remember who started it or why it disappeared, but let’s bring it back… #Letters4TransKids was a hashtag going around from adults writing letters of support to trans kids. And they need to see them now more than ever. Write it, photograph it, post it to your social media accounts. Here’s mine:
Your support of trans kids is literally life-saving. If I’d had that, it would have changed my entire life.
PS – Here’s a list of BOOKS FOR TRANS KIDS! Thanks to Karla, mom of a trans kid and the guest on the podcast version of these episodes, for providing this!
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Let’s get to the bottom of this huge, discriminatory issue that is not actually a real issue at all: TRANS PEOPLE IN SPORTS 2: SCIENCE AND BIGOTRY!
There are 510,000 NCAA athletes in the U.S., as NCAA president Charlie Baker explained to a Senate panel in December, and he’s aware of “less than 10” athletes who identify as transgender. But if you believe many right-wing voices, you’d think it was far more than 0.001961 percent of college athletes.
0.001961 FUCKING PERCENT OF ALL NCAA ATHLETES ARE TRANS. One hundredth of one percent. That’s what we need laws to ban???
It’s sexist patriarchal bullshit. Trans women have competed with women, and if we were dominating in any sport you’d know it already!
Until the recent bans, trans women were allowed to openly compete in the Olympics since 2004. How many of them have medaled?
A groundbreaking study that was sponsored by the International Olympic Committee …sought to compare a range of athletic abilities between trans athletes and their cisgender counterparts. The finding that trans women athletes are at a relative disadvantage in many key physical areas relating to athletic ability and perform worse on cardiovascular tests than their cisgender counterparts could be the first step in fighting back against the conventional wisdom conservatives have spread that trans women’s participation is inherently unfair.
This policy targeted trans women, and there is currently no scientific consensus—rooted in systematic, independent research—that justifies the exclusion of trans athletes. It’s just a vibes thing.
Also, it’s important to note that the very idea that trans women have an advantage over cis women is because those who peddle that nonsense see us as men. And that’s important because it means they believe men are better than women by default.
Cis ladies, do you see what that’s saying about you, too?
I’m personally not sure that sports should be segregated by gender, but there is value in having sports where people of marginalized genders (cis women and every trans and nonbinary person) can compete away from cis men who often harass us.
But allllllso there’s pretty compelling evidence that women’s sports were created because cis men were losingto cis women and they couldn’t handle how that hurt their feelings.
Take all of that in context within the “issue” of trans women competing with women, and where does that take you? It’s the same discriminatory nonsense repackaged for trans women. Everything old is new again.
Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyone’s scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening.
So we need to start from inclusion, period. And as things arise, I have confidence that we can figure it out. But we can’t start at the opposite. That is cruel. And frankly, it’s just disgusting.
So, we need to really kind of take a step back and get a grip on what we’re really talking about here because people’s lives are at risk. Kids’ lives are at risk with the rates of suicide, the rates of depression and negative mental health and drug abuse.
We’re putting everything through ‘God forbid a trans person be successful in sports.’ Get a grip on reality and take a step back.
Okay so what’s the reason for all this? Well friends you know as well as I do that it’s transphobia, because it literally can’t be anything else! For every reason I’ve already laid out for you.
They’re not making it a secret who’s behind this, and the bigotry is pretty clear. The wildest part is them using the “our bodies, our sports” tagline, when some of the very organizations who sponsor this shit are the ones taking away cis women’s right to bodily autonomy.
If you’re somehow not familiar with the “Family Research Council” or The Heritage Foundation, do some reading, especially as the latter of which is largely responsible for Project 2025 and the state our country is presently in (see TRANS POLITICS for more).
This is like the nazis originating the idea of sex testing in sports. If you find yourself on the same side of an issue as a nazi, you need to reexamine where you stand.
If you are a woman’s group, if you support women’s sports, if you support women’s rights, and you find yourself on the same side of an issue as The Family Research Council and The Heritage Foundation, it’s time to reexamine where you effing stand. They do not support women as anything other than tradwife babymakers, and that really ought to make you question why you agree with them on trans women in sports. That should tell you something important, in fact!
This is just another in a long line of new rules and regulations and legislation trying to eliminate trans people from public life. Can’t play if you transitioned as an adult, state won’t allow you to transition as a kid, then you’re legally barred from public bathrooms and your healthcare.
And if, even fucking if, adult trans women who went through male puberty have an advantage (we don’t!), why would you ban pre-pubescent trans girls from competing with pre-pubescent cis girls?!
AAAAAAGGGGH do you see how transparent this all is? Please tell me you see it.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU SEE IT.
So why do these bigots only focus on trans women? Because trans men disprove their entire “theory” and all their talking points. Trans men on HRT are taking testosterone, which cis men use to cheat, and still do not dominate against cis men! See THE ERASURE OF TRANS MEN for more.
The ENTIRE “issue” of banning trans women from competing with cis women is simply to set a legal precedent that we are, in fact, “not women.” If trans women can’t compete with cis women, the bigots will say, it’s because we’re not “actually” women.
If we’re not actually women in the eyes of sports, I mean, how could we be considered women anywhere else? It’s a wedge issue they made to establish that we’re not really women, and use that to take all the rest of our fucking rights away.
And they’ve been successful because too many people fell for the propaganda.
‘The gender ideology movement is a house of cards,‘ Gaines told the Times this week, using a euphemism frequently deployed by the Trump administration. Gaines added that she believes sports participation ‘will be the card that makes all of it crumble,’ opening the door to convince the general public that trans women are not truly women and gender-affirming medical care for trans youth should be restricted.
And thus this two-part essay, for you who are confused, for you who want to know the truth, for you who want people in your lives who “have doubts” to understand.
We and our doctors know who we are better than you do. And none of us would choose to go through the unending bullshit the world continually throws at us just so we can beat you in a fucking sport.
Recognize this for the hatred it is, and understand that there’s literally nothing more to keeping trans people out of sports than unrepenting, unending bigotry for people who are different and throw the FALSE DICHOTOMY of the entire false cis binary status quo into question.
If you believe in equal rights, you have got to fight for trans people to be treated equally.
Conclusion – While transgender women exhibited higher lean mass than cisgender women, their physical fitness was comparable. Current evidence is mostly low certainty and has heterogenous quality but does not support theories of inherent athletic advantages for transgender women over cisgender.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Hey hey it’s July, and that means you’re gonna get my FIVE YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN! Let’s see where everything’s at, half a decade in!
As usual, I’m going to follow the same order of talking about things as my past retrospectives, simply because it helps me be sure I’m not forgetting to track anything.
So I’m gonna start with new things first, since there’s nothing to compare to for those.
In my fifth year, I realized I’d been wrong in estimating how long it’s been since I knew I was trans. I’ve mentioned so many times in so many of these essays how I had a hard date in 2020 that I knew I couldn’t transition before (for personal reasons), so I took my time figuring things out.
But I wasn’t writing essays or even journal entries back then, so I don’t know exactly when it was that I became sure of who I really was. I was estimating it at 2015, but this year I discovered a clue that made me realize it was even earlier.
Because I knew, I knew, when I made my character for Dragon Age Inquisition, which released in November of 2014. I downloaded it and began playing that day. And I always played women every chance I got (for reasons related to TRANS TABLETOP ROLEPLAYING GAMES). And the woman character I made for that game? Well it has very detailed sliders for facial customization. And… I gave her an Adam’s apple.
So she’d be like me.
And I remember doing it at the time, and being like… well, there it is, huh? And I’m mad I didn’t realize the Inquisition connection sooner, because I could’ve celebrated ten years of knowing who I really am last year. Alas. So it’s been eleven years for me now, and ain’t that somethin’.
This past year I got my first pair of heels! For a while I avoided them because I’m already pretty tall, and I didn’t want the extra attention that being even taller would bring. But now… uh, I do actually? So as relates to CONFIDENCE and CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN (aka what is happening, aka whole new world), I guess my confidence has grown even further. Aw yeah.
I got them for the Monster High “graduation party,” which was basically the season two cast and crew party, but themed around graduation because the show sadly hadn’t been picked up for a third season. My wife Susan and I wrote six episodes for season two of the show, including the four-part “Monster Fest” Halloween special that’s just so, so trans.
Anyway, they encouraged folks to dress up on theme, and so I did!
I’m not super great in walking in them yet, but I think I did okay! I definitely need to practice more, but… I wore them outside, and now I can’t wear them around the apartment to get more used to them without grossing up the carpet. And I haven’t been able to afford another pair yet to practice walking in at home, so… I wait.
But I drove in them, spent two and a half hours hours standing and walking in them, which kinda killed my legs, and after taking them off the flat ground felt bumpy? That’s weird. It’s a work in progress.
I still think I’ll be mostly a super cute girly sneakers/stompy boots girl, but then again… until I can practice more, who can say.
I also got my first bikini last year! It’s the first time I felt comfortable enough with my body to not only get one, but then take photos of me in it… because wearing it felt absolutely amazing! I still haven’t had anywhere to wear it to, but I only got it right when it started cooling off last year, so we’ll see what this summer brings.
Still shaving my face every morning, and my entire body once a week (see BODY HAIR for more). Still can’t get laser or electrolysis for my face for the same damned reasons I wrote about back in A PANDEMIC TRANSITION.
Not only am I furious that this last major source of addressing what dysphoria I still have remains inaccessible to me because our society collectively decided to abandon the disabled and immunocompromised (again), but that with the current administration’s anti-science anti-vax stances, things are likely to just get worse and not better on that front.
Kind of feels like I’ll be doomed to shaving my face for the rest of my life, and I’m fuckin’ salty about it.
As a reminder tho, seeing ourselves in video can be a huge hurdle for many trans people, and certainly was for me for years. See PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP for what happens when cis folks refuse to make the very simple, easy accommodations we need.
Let’s talk BODY HACKING, which if you remember was about the very first thing I did to transition in a “socially acceptable” way: exercising to make my body look less like it did and more like I wanted it to.
You can kind of see where things were at for me last year in the bikini photo above (with more detailed pics in the FOUR YEAR RETROSPECTIVE).
Here’s where I’m at now:
I don’t know if it looks like I’ve made any gains to you, but it certainly does to me. I’ve mostly only had the time to struggle to maintain what I’ve had for years now, but I’ve recently eked out a little more time that’s allowed me to increase my workouts some. I feel stronger, and I think I look it a little too. But I’ve only had this tiny bit of extra time for about a month as of writing this, so there probably isn’t really a lot of visual difference yet. It’s likely all psychosomatic. But if I have to will them to get bigger, I will!
We’ll see where I’m at next year, if I have the time to keep up the increased intensity of my strength training.
I’m also biking regularly on a stationary bike, which is new, because on the day of posting my four year retrospective last year… I have to give up running. And it was devastating. Not because I loved it (I hated it actually), but because I’d never not run since using exercise to start my transition. And without it, I felt like I was losing a vital part of what shaped me into who I am.
Again see BODY HACKING for more on how and why this was actually much more serious for me than you might think.
Luckily the stationary bike has allowed me to keep things up, and is even in some ways better. But there were a few weeks when I was in emotional anguish over not knowing what I was going to do.
But biking indoor for my cardio means I don’t need to wear my hoodie anymore, my cape, my very first piece of women’s clothing that I ever owned, that gave me early hits of GENDER EUPHORIA and made me feel like I could fly. It sounds silly, but I miss it. I haven’t figured out what to do about that yet.
I plan to write more about the loss of running and what it did to me emotionally, but I just haven’t gotten to it yet. It’s on the list for someday.
My HAIR again remains vitally important to me and my identity and who I am, but I had a bit of a setback with that this year as well, which is also another essay for another day.
But otherwise, all is well in that department and I love it with all my heart.
MY TATTOO remains amazing, and last year I mentioned I’d figured out what was making post-transition photos of me without it feel “wrong” and… I said I was gonna do an essay about it. Also haven’t gotten to that yet! Ha ha, good times.
The list of future essay topics just keeps getting longer.
VOICE remains good. I feel really secure in it most of the time, and though I still catch it slipping sometimes if I’m really tired or emotional, for the most part it’s been pretty great. And I even feel like resonance (the hardest part) is starting to come more naturally without my thinking about it. Slow and steady wins the race, sometimes. Especially in transition.
Let’s talk HRT! My estrogen injections are still going really well. Or rather, the results from them are. Sometimes I still struggle with giving myself a shot, and it’s been nearly two years of them now. And sometimes I mess them up and have to do over. That’s probably just the way it’s always gonna be, and that’s okay.
I did change up how I take my progesterone, however. Other trans women have long said that boofing it (taking it as a suppository) gets you better results, because it doesn’t get processed by the liver… which destroys most of it when the pills are swallowed. But boofing just didn’t work for me. (see ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE for more)
But then I remembered that when I was on estrogen pills, before they entirely stopped working for me (see TRANSITION SETBACKS), that common knowledge among trans women was that taking those sublingually (letting them dissolve under the tongue) got more of the actual estrogen into your body, because the liver destroys most of that when you swallow it, too.
So… I tried taking progesterone sublingually.
I’ve tried to explain the taste of it to people, and the best I’ve come up with is:
It’s like despair wiped through a dumpster, a medicinal peanut left in the sun for eighteen years.
And y’know… I stand by that.
But… I cannot argue with the results.
I still wish they didn’t seem to be miles apart (I have a broad shoulders and chest thanks to the wrong puberty, hooray), and I certainly wouldn’t mind if they were bigger. I’m still at a C-cup, though a fuller one than I was before. I don’t think I need to go up a cup size again, but if they keep goin’ I am not gonna complain.
I’m 99.99% sure I don’t want top surgery. It was something I considered at the beginning, and while it could certainly make them bigger and potentially also get them to be closer together… they wouldn’t be the same as they are now (obvs).
But I’ve come to love how they are now, because they’re all mine. I grew them. Me. And all it took was the right hormone telling my genes to activate the info they’ve had in them all this time. These were always in there waiting for me, they just needed to be switched on. And I find that incredibly beautiful.
Which is not to make anyone who wants breast augmentation feel bad about it! We all have to do what’s right for us and what makes us happy. And right now? My boobs make me so exceedingly happy just the way they are, even if they live in different zip codes.
No other changes to my (tiny) butt or my (little) hips, sadly.
ARGH C’MON GROW MORE DAMN YOU.
But! I recently got the first photo where you can actually see that my hips are there and hoooooo the GENDER EUPHORIA.
Weirdly the period symptoms I used to get have all but vanished over the past year. Why? Who knows. Will they return? Who knows! Why study trans people, nobody cares. Ugh.
I don’t really miss getting periods, though they were a little affirming in their own awful roundabout way. But it’s interesting they’ve hit the road… maybe they just went on vacation, and will come back with a vengeance to see I’ve been partying while they were out of town.
Still not overly thrilled with the backs of my hands or my fingers… I have seen trans ladies that’ve gotten visual shifts in how their hands appear from HRT, but so far nothing like that has happened for me.
The mental changes HRT has brought remain just as good as the boobs and butt and hips and facial shape and other physical changes. I feel calm and at peace and delighted in myself inside my own head all the time, and it’s an absolute miracle. (the, uh, state of the world notwithstanding. Bigots will not take my joy.)
Feel like I’ve absolutely zeroed in on my style though, and it’s not really shifting. It fits me so perfectly and I’m so happy with it. (see FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE for more)
And so let’s close out with the traditional timeline photo, which continues to amaze me in so many ways. Look at me getting more me with every passing year. Gosh.
One thing I only just recently noticed in looking at my timeline photo… look at my eye color change! They get greener every year! That’s wild (and yes, this can happen, there are estrogen receptors in the eyes… see HRT for more).
And that’s a wrap on year five of medical and social transition!
I never could’ve imagined the real me that was waiting on the other side, and how happy I’d be with her, and how delighted I’d be to see her in the mirror every day.
You owe it to yourself to find the real you that’s waiting for you, too.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we cover a topic that shouldn’t need covering at all, but some people are determined to remain purposefully ignorant. So let’s answer the question: WHY IS THERE NO CIS PRIDE?
Okay listen, I’ve got to tell you… I wasn’t even sure how to approach this topic, because it’s so blindingly obvious to me that it almost defies explanation. But these essays are here to educate, to help people find community, to maybe give trans, nonbinary, and queer people something to point to when you need an explainer for someone and aren’t sure how to word it.
And so here I am, trying to word it, because I’m a writer and my job is words.
I don’t believe that this is going to sway anyone who’s a bigot through and through, because they look for excuses to justify their hate. They didn’t logic, science, or facts their way into hate (because you can’t, science has a very real liberal bias for a reason, babes), and so logic, science, and facts aren’t going to logic anyone out of their hate.
But there are cishet folks out there who genuinely don’t know, or who have heard all the anti-trans and anti-queer propaganda, and aren’t sure what to believe. So I’m going to approach this by trying to speak to those who genuinely don’t know, and want to understand, in the hopes those are the exact people I can reach and help.
It can seem to some folks (cisgender, heterosexual, white, and usually men) that if trans and queer people (and women, and Black people, and on and on through people whose identities have been marginalized by society) get days, weeks, or months to celebrate them, to be proud of their identities, cisgender and heterosexual people (and men, and white people) should have days to celebrate themselves too, right? Why don’t they?
I’m going to approach this from the trans angle, as I do for all of these essays because these are trans Tuesdays, but note that it applies to basically every marginalized community in the United States and Europe (and beyond) in similar ways. And if you aren’t aware of how everyone from a marginalized community has more in common than not, and how we all have to be fighting not just for ourselves but also for each other if we ever want to see progress, let TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY enlighten you.
The first thing I think you need to understand, if you don’t already, is that trans people are not new. We’re not a fad. We’re not a “social contagion.” Although the more of us who are out and happy in our lives does make other closeted trans people believe they can do it too, and that’s why Republicans and conservatives are working so hard to erase us from public life (our very existence proves the cis binary, aka THE FALSE DICHOTOMY, is a lie).
Trans people have always existed, since the concept of assigned genders at birth has existed. See TRANS HISTORY 1 on how and why we need to uncover, spot, and name trans people in history so this very thing becomes common knowledge, TRANS HISTORY 2 for examples of trans people in history, and TRANS HISTORY 3 for even more examples of trans people in history from the Trans History: From Ancient Times to the Present Day graphic novel, by Alex L. Combs and Andrew Eakett.
Why is knowing all of this trans history important to understanding why there’s no cishet pride month? Gosh, do I ever have an answer for you, friendos! 🙂
It’s because you (sadly) cannot separate trans history from the way we have been oppressed by society throughout all of that history. We have been discriminated against, we have been removed or hidden from history, we have often been the very first targets of fascist regimes simply because, again, we prove the cisgender binary is a lie, which is what all of white supremacist ideology is founded on. And once you see that lie, (say it with me, I’ve said it so much and I know you know what’s coming), you can see all the other lies society tells us.
And we see that happening again right now, especially in the US and UK, so obviously so that I don’t even need to link you to any news stories about it, because there are hundreds of them everywhere you look, and more direct oppression of trans people is happening everyday.
But it’s also not just the horrible outright fascists doing this, because even when purportedly “liberal” people are running our government, they still uphold so many of the systems of oppression that so many of us face. See TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING for more on that.
Okay, so now… take in alllllllll that I’ve said so far, and the information contained in all the linked essays and articles.
Are you maybe now realizing how incredibly oppressed trans people have been for as long as the United States has existed?
So when we have pride month (which can be complicated and difficult sometimes due to how implicitly queerphobic our society is, see RAINBOW CAPITALISM for more), when we have Trans Day of Visibility (which is for all of us, allof us, see YES YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH), what are they really about?
They’re about trans and queer people being proud to be who we are… specifically because society tells us that who and what we are is a “bad” thing to be.
It is us standing up in the face of oppression and saying you cannot change me. You cannot force me to hide. You cannot make me deny the truth of who I am.
WE DESERVE EQUAL RIGHTS BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING WHO WE ARE.
So, cisgender person reading this, heterosexual person reading this, white person reading this, men reading this… think about when was the last time you were oppressed by all of society (even the “good” people), because of being cisgender? Because of being heterosexual? Because of being white? Because of being a man?
The true answer to that is: never.
Because our entire society revolves around saying that white cisgender heterosexual men are the best thing there is. Literally everything in our society, as built and established by white cisgender heterosexual men, is set up to affirm you in who you are.
You specifically didn’t set up society this way, of course, but you do benefit from it. And that’s the literal definition of PRIVILEGE. (see CIS PRIVILEGE for more).
White cisgender heterosexual men are celebrated for who they are, by all aspects of our society, every single day.
And it also breaks down further than that, because all white people(even those of us who experience other marginalizations, like me as a very white trans woman) are privileged to not face the barriers Black people and every person of color faces.
All cisgender people (even those who experience other marginalizations, like women) are privileged to not face the barriers every trans and nonbinary person faces.
All heterosexual people (even those who experience other marginalizations, like women) are privileged to not face the barriers that every gay, lesbian, bi, or person of other non-hetero sexual orientation faces.
All men (even those who experience other marginalizations, like being gay) are privileged to not face the barriers that women and people of every other gender face.
Our art is a reflection of us as a society, of who we think it’s important to tell stories about, and who we “allow” to tell those stories. So let’s take movies, that quintessential American artform.
Name cishet white men who are heroes of huge movies and franchises. James Kirk, Luke Skywalker, Jean-Luc Picard, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Superman, Batman, Captain America, Thor, the Hulk, Spider-Man, John Wick, Mad Max, James Bond, and the list goes on and on and on. You could keep going almost literally all day long.
Now do the same simply for cishet white women. Wonder Woman. Black Widow. Ripley. Furiosa. Princess Leia. Rey. Katniss Everdeen. Uh… I’m already struggling to think of them, even though I know there are more.
Now do the same for cishet Black men. Cishet Black women.
Now try it for gay white cis men and women. Gay Black cis men and women.
Now try it for trans people of any variety.
Were you able to name any?
This shows you exactly who our society values most, who it thinks is worth telling stories about, who it thinks is worth “letting” tell their stories by nurturing, supporting, and paying them to do so.
Have your rights ever been debated by the Supreme Court as if they were things maybe you just shouldn’t have, even though you’re a human? No?
A clearer example you’ll never find of who this country oppresses.
Pride month isn’t about denying you anything. Because:
PRIDE MONTH ISN’T ABOUT YOU.
Every other month, week, day, hour, and minute is aboutyou.
There’s no cis pride month, no hetero pride month, no white history month, no men’s pride month, because those people have already set up all of our society so that every single month is already all of those things. (There is an international men’s day, though, even though you arguably don’t need it. Enjoy it!)
Our society also has a long history of telling trans people things are not for us, even when they’re made by us. See THIS IS NOT FOR YOU 2 (let trans people have things) for how a whole lot of cranky babies simply cannot comprehend that two trans women might’ve made a movie about transness.
You don’t need to be ashamed of your identity because of how you were born or are, but there’s also no reason to be proud to be cisgender in this society, because all of it says that is what you are and should be (and is all there is).
By virtue of who we trans people happen to be, we had to overcome all that society throws in our way to stop us, to oppress us, to hide us, to remove us.
AND WE REFUSED.
WE STOOD UP FOR WHO WE ARE.
AND WE SAID “WE MATTER TOO.”
That is what pride month is about.
That is why there’s no cisgender pride.
WE have to fight just to try and get the same rights and treatment that you have never, ever been denied.
Please remember that it’s okay if not everything is about you.
And it can be tough to come to terms with that, when all of society has told you, for your entire life, that everything is all about you, and that’s how it should be.
But please try to realize how wrong that is.
And how all humans deserve equal human rights.
And for the love of pizza, take it into your heart one more time:
NOTE: This week’s update is a transcription of a live interview done as part of the Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays podcast.Special thanks to Kate Rascali for the transcription!
Tilly Bridges: Hi! I’m Tilly Bridges, your host, and I’m joined by my writing partner, my best friend, my wife, our token cis representation, the lady who puts the graphic in my novel, Susan Bridges.
Susan Bridges: Hello!
TB: Our guests this week are Alex L. Combs and Andrew Eakett, a married trans couple and creative team living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Making a graphic novel about trans history was a dream project, and they can’t wait for more people to read the good news: trans people are not new, and we are here to stay. Welcome, Alex and Andrew!
Alex L. Combs & Andrew Eakett (together): Hi Tilly!
TB: Oh, that was nice! You kind of harmonized in there.
Alex L. Combs: Thanks so much for having us.
Andrew Eakett: Yes, thank you.
Tilly Bridges: Of course! I’m so excited to get to talking about your book. But first, I want to help folks out there that are listening get to know you a little bit better. So, I wanted to ask for the two of you, what do you think has been the best thing about transitioning?
Combs: For me, definitely the best thing is just getting to openly live and express a part of myself that is essentially a dream come true. There were points that I thought it was just a secret, or a few people might sort of know. I never thought I would be here at 40 years old getting to just share that part of myself with the world.
TB: Yeah, it’s it’s magic actually getting to just be yourself every day, right? You wake up and you’re like, I get to do this again. I just get to be me. It’s so cool.
Combs: Exactly.
Eakett: Yeah, that’s that’s pretty much it, my answer wouldn’t be much different from that. It’s just that having the life that I didn’t really know was possible, become a real, possible thing, that makes me part of society in a way I didn’t feel like I was before, because I was in this like limbo, this identity limbo.
TB: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Eakett: Yeah, and knowing who I am and being who I am, it’s definitely made everything different before transitioning and after transitioning. And it’s like night and day and I’m glad to be in the day.
TB: Oh, you said it so perfectly. Oh, my heart, yes, exactly right. Because, you know, pre-transition, I just felt like everything was so dull and muted and awful, and it was just like you didn’t know that everyone didn’t feel that way. At first, you’re like this is just what life is, right, and no, it’s not, and it doesn’t have to be that way. And that’s beautiful.
Combs: Yeah, yeah.
TB: Okay. So on the other side of that, are there aspects of transitioning that you found to be particularly difficult to deal with?
Eakett: I know I do have one. And this is something I don’t hear talked about enough and that is the amount of paperwork and bureaucracy involved after you change your name.
TB: Yes, there’s so much.
Eakett: The havoc that was wreaked upon my credit report, and it’s just a lot. We focus a lot on just getting it done, which is great. Like, getting the name change is great. But then I feel like we’re kind of left out there to try to figure it out. Well, what do I do now? Because it’s not like everyone knows that your name has changed. You know the credit card companies don’t know, the report companies don’t know. All these accounts don’t know, and they all have different methods and protocols and processes for changing names, and some of them are quicker on their feet than others. Some lose the paperwork more often than others. And that’s something, I think, that it’s just to kind of brace yourself for that, even after you’ve done that bureaucracy of changing your name with social security and the government, and getting a driver’s license. There’s a whole other step that I’m not even done with, and it’s been a long time. So yeah, that’s what I… Bureaucracy.
TB: Yeah, it’s something that just goes on and on. You don’t know how much there is that has your legal name on it, that once you change that, it’s just like, Oh, God! Another thing, oh, no! Another one. I’ve got to come out to another group of strangers through an email and say, “Hey, fix your company stuff for me.”
SB: Or then you get something weird years later that pops up with your deadname on it, and it’s just out of nowhere. And you’re like what the…?
TB: I didn’t even remember these people, and now they have my wrong name. And do I care? Is this worth it to fix it with them?
Eakett: Yeah, yeah.
SB: The mental calculus of it.
TB: Yeah. There’s so much.
Eakett: What about you, Alex?
Combs: I’m just gonna go with a simple answer. Transphobia. It’s awful.
TB: It’s the worst, it’s the worst!
Combs: Can we just stop?
TB: Right? It’s not hard. We’re not hurting anybody. Just leave us alone.
Combs: I know, right? Sheesh.
SB: Have you tried not sucking?
TB: They have not!
SB: Mind giving it a shot?
TB: That should be step one.
SB: Just making a suggestion.
Eakett: Yeah.
TB: Okay, well, if you had any advice for people just starting their transitions, what would it be? Or maybe even what do you wish you knew going in ahead of time? Like, is there some piece of advice you wish someone had given you that would have helped you a lot?
Eakett: I think my advice would be to really get to know yourself as well as possible. Like, while you’re learning about trans things and thinking about coming out, and getting excited about the possibilities, don’t neglect those parts of you that have nothing to do with trans stuff. It can be really tempting to find a label and feel like that kind of explains everything.
TB: Sure.
Eakett: But the label is- that’s a shorthand for something that’s a lot more complex and nuanced, and you can’t. You’re not gonna. I wish it were easy enough to just find the people who have the same label as you and those are your people. And I think that’s some advice I guess I would give, is… don’t just think that labels are everything. Try to get to know yourself on a more nuanced individual level.
TB: I think that’s great, because also you may find a label that you feel fits you or mostly fits you. But you may find that none of them do. And that’s okay, too. We’re all individuals, and you don’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations of whatever flavor of trans you are, is.
Eakett: Absolutely. Yeah.
Combs: I guess mine would just be don’t feel pressured to reach any kind of endpoint. I feel like that’s just a common sort of misconception, or at least it was when I was coming out, and probably still is. And it’s not that people have a bad intention thinking it. But I just remember, I was doing a photo shoot, part way after I’ve been on hormones. But I hadn’t had top surgery, and I wanted to like get some glamour shots, and my photographer was like, “Oh, well, I want to get you before and after” and I’m like, “Well, this is after.” This is me, you know. She was trying to just be really supportive. That’d be my advice to trans people just coming out like try not to feel like there’s necessarily a set end goal.
TB: Yeah, it’s a journey, and it’s about finding yourself along the way, and you may- who knows where it’s gonna end? If it ever does. It may be a lifetime journey for most of us. And that’s okay.
Combs: Yeah, everyone changes over time and–
TB: Yes!
Combs: Context and everything. So what’s working at one point might not always be how you feel. You might want to change your pronouns again. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine.
TB: Yeah, that’s all cool. Whatever you decide at the beginning, you think is right, doesn’t have to be the final thing. You can still adjust as you go.
Combs: Or it can be, but it doesn’t have to be.
TB: Right! Exactly. Okay. Before we get into talking about your book. Do you want to let folks know where they can find you online if they’d like more information after listening?
Combs: Sure. I have a website that’s just my name, alexlcombs.com. And any social media that I’m on is also Alex L. Combs… whatever at Bluesky, and Instagram. Those are the ones I’m most active on.
Eakett: And I’m not active on anything, so don’t look for me.
TB: Oh, wow! You’re smarter than all the rest of us.
Combs: But I post pictures.
Eakett: But he does post pictures of me. Yeah. So my face shows up occasionally.
TB: Okay, here’s part of the description. “What does trans mean? And what does it mean to be trans? Diversity in human sex and gender is not a modern phenomenon, as readers will discover through illustrated stories and records. In addition to individual profiles, the book explores some of the societal roles played by trans people beginning in ancient times, and shows how European ideas about gender were spread across the globe. It explains how the science of sexology and the growing acceptance of, and backlash to, gender nonconformity have helped to shape what it means to be trans today. Illustrated conversations with modern activists, scholars, and creatives, highlight the breadth of current trans experiences, and give readers a deeper sense of the diversity of trans people, a group numbering in the millions.”
TB: All right. I want everybody listening to know that I was sent an ARC of this book to read, and I thought it was fantastic and so badly needed right now, and it makes learning about our history so incredibly accessible. And that’s huge, because history can often be daunting to some people, doubly so when you want to learn about trans folks who are often erased from history for reasons I talked about back in TRANS HISTORY 1. So I think I want to start by asking the two of you that what made you want to write this book? Where did it come from?
Combs: So I actually went to art school for comics, and at that time, around 2017, I knew I wanted to do potentially something with LGBTQIA+ history, but I didn’t know what. I ended up doing more of an autobiographical slice of life comic for my thesis for school. But, right after graduation, I had that desire to go back to history, and living in San Francisco, there’s a lot of great archives, and we have the LGBT History archives of Museum.
TB: Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t know that.
Eakett: or the GLBT.
Combs: GLBT, I think, yeah, yeah. And you can make an appointment and go look in their archives. And, so we did that, because we learned that Lou Sullivan, who was a local gay trans man in San Francisco, in the eighties and nineties, kept a diary his entire life and donated them all to the GLBT Historical Society, and you can just go read them. It’s like from when he was like a little kid all the way up to the end of his life. And it’s so cool. So we went and there is now a really great collection of his diaries that’s been published. But at the time that wasn’t out yet, so it just was so exciting to go and get access to this really amazing resource. And so I made a zine about it, which I took to SF Zine Fest. Or maybe it was an East Bay Zine festival, and was just giving them out. I was just so excited to share this story.
SB: That’s so pure.
TB: I love it.
Combs: Yeah, it was really fun. I just had so much energy for it. Andrew and I have both done the research together, and much like how we did with our book, I illustrated it, but he did a lot of art direction and helped with the writing, and we had so much energy and enthusiasm, and it was just so rewarding. We were like… we just want to keep doing trans history. Let’s just do a trans history book. ‘Cause there’s not quite one out there. There’s comics out there that look at queer history, or like LGBTQIA, two-spirit plus history. But we were like we want to do one that’s trans history, specifically.
Eakett: Yeah, there’s a lot of misconceptions specifically around trans history. Related to the misconceptions around larger, queer history, but I felt like a lot of queer history projects would have one or two trans people in it, but never really be able to delve into what’s going on with trans people and history. So that was one reason it felt really particularly important to just spend, however many hundreds of pages just on trans people, specifically.
TB: Yeah, that was really beautiful to read. To just see so many of them and see our history going back so far, you know? I wanted to ask, do you feel like there’s something about the comic or graphic novel format that lent itself better to this project? Because, we write comics, too, and it’s such a unique sort of art form all on their own. They’re so different from everything else. And do you feel that that helped with what you were trying to do?
Combs: Oh, absolutely, because you can put the maximum amount of information into a comic, because you’ve got the visuals and the writing. So it really lends itself to packing in a lot of information without making people have to read, you know, paragraph upon paragraph of describing what the scene looks like. They just can glance at it and know what the scene looks like. And it only takes a split second.
Eakett: And I also like how it kind of softens the the history aspect. You know, history can be kind of intimidating to people or sound dry, or they think it must be very technical. It doesn’t have to be. There are technical aspects, there are some complex concepts in the book, but I feel like the the visual style is welcoming. If you’re afraid of history… you don’t have to be afraid of history. It’s a graphic novel. See? It’s fine.
SB: It’s Fun!
TB: It is fun! It is a fun, breezy read, and it’s so educational, and I love it. It’s a joy to read that book. I can’t wait to see it in color.
Combs: I can’t tell you like how happy it makes me to hear you say those words like “breezy,” like “easy to read.” We wanted that so much, and for it to be educational.
TB: Right? Yeah.
Combs: So you’re getting the information, but it doesn’t feel like a slog. That’s what we wanted, and to hear you saying that, it’s just so exciting.
TB: Yeah, I think that’s an issue that I think a lot of books about history can accidentally fall into, even if they’re not intending it, because it can be a very scholarly thing, you know, what you’re talking about… many different things and context and details from history that people don’t know about. And I think a lot of people do get intimidated that way. But when you read this book, with the art and the way it just flows from page to page, and you’re learning about all of these trans people that have always existed and always been here with us… and it’s fun, it’s exciting. And it’s just page after page, you’re just flipping through it, it goes so quick, and in a really good way. So I think you’ve done a really great job of making this accessible not just to other adults, but I think so kids, especially trans kids, can see this. And they can say, “people like me have always existed” and they can learn about it. It’s not going to be inaccessible to them, even. You know, there’s concepts in there that maybe they won’t fully understand, but they’re going to get so much out of it, that it’s… I don’t know. That’s could change a kid’s life, you know? It’s really, really amazing that you put that out there.
Combs: Thank you so much. Yeah, we wanted it to be for all ages.
Eakett: Yeah, because the information is important to everyone, right? It can change trans people. And cis people. It’s history that no one is really learning in a cohesive, clear way. And I think it benefits everyone to get what they can out of it.
TB: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, you touched on this a little bit before, but the book is extensively researched, and I know how difficult and frustrating it can be to find information, much less accurate information, on trans people from the past, due to the presumption of cisness that a lot of historians view the world through, or their inability to see (or choice to outright ignore or hide) the transness that’s right in front of them. So how tough was the research process, for you, of finding all of these people? Did you have difficulty locating accurate information that you could pull from?
Combs: I was actually kind of surprised at how much I was able to find that was accessible. A lot of it was transphobic, but it was there. I mean, you have to just read it with a grain of salt. But then, at the same time, a lot of the research that I used, I was surprised to see how much had just come out in the past, maybe like three or five years or something, before we were researching it, between the years of 2017 and 2019, when we pitched the book. Like people have been working on this. They’ve been putting together the raw information, they’ve been writing papers. I have access to the San Francisco Public Library, so I have access to Jstor and all these other academic journals that they pay for, which is awesome because they’re a really great library. And I was surprised at just how much I could find online. I use the Internet Archive a lot. They had a lot of free books. Right now, only as of very recently, they have had to shut off access to a lot of those books that I actually used. Right now, I’m working on the extended bibliography, and I wanted to put links where people could go read the books, and it would say, “this book isn’t accessible except for if you have print disabilities.” So they had been sued a while back for having the online library. But they’re working on it hopefully. The books will be backed up. I’m putting all those links that I can find for those for people on the extended bibliography, which is not up yet, but will be up on my website by the time the book comes out.
TB: In one of my past episodes about trans history, I talked to some trans historians that were talking about the difficulty that they’ve had in the field, because all of the rules for what you are, and aren’t, supposed to do as a historian were established by basically all cis white men. And so that there’s been a big pushback in recent years from trans historians trying to make progress through all of that, and so it rings true. Yeah, in the past couple of years, there’s suddenly so much more. So, yeah, they’re they’re fighting the good fight for us all out there.
Combs: Yeah, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, this article is amazing. When was this written? Oh, like last year?”
Eakett: Okay, that was another thing that made it so exciting about getting the book out. It’s like, well, the information’s there. People just need to be able to read it, in a form that’s not a scholarly article.
TB: Right, that is- most people can’t find it, and if they do, it’s very intimidating to read.
Combs: Exactly, yeah.
TB: Yeah, you’ve done a really good job translating that into everyday stories that people can easily absorb and understand, so that’s really cool. Did you run into any problems finding a publisher? Because I know trans projects can often have trouble getting past cis gatekeepers and finding a home. I’ve had that difficulty with some of the stuff that we write, and I was just wondering if you encountered any roughness there?
Combs: I’m happy to say, no. We got a really good offer right away. We didn’t get a lot of offers, but the one that I think we have maybe like two but–
SB: That’s better than none!
Eakett: It was like 2 or 3 or something.
Combs: The one we ended up going with, they were amazing. Yeah. Candlewick Press. Turns out we got their best editor. I had a feeling that she was like, really good, while we were working with her. And then we met some more of the staff and they were like, “Oh, yeah, yeah. Andrea, yeah, she’s like, really, really good.” So I think in a way, we just either got really lucky, or I think, also, maybe they were on the beat of it. Maybe they had already had discussions about picking up a similar book, I don’t know. But it certainly seemed like they were all all on board.
Eakett: They were on board from the beginning, and were really supportive, which was something we kept kind of doubting, you know, as the political situation got worse and worse, and things are getting weirder and weirder. And we’re just like, are they gonna drop us? Are they gonna decide this isn’t worth it? If anything, they just got- their support seemed to strengthen. So that was, really, that has a lot to do with it. I think how good the book is right now is that Candlewick Press was very supportive.
TB: That’s amazing. And it’s also cool to hear you talk about the magic of a good editor, because, wow! The things that they can do, right? Like angels from above.
Combs: Oh, I completely agree. That’s what it felt like.
TB: Yeah. Okay, so! In the course of putting this book together, did either of you have a favorite historical trans person, somebody that you really connected with, or were drawn to, over the course of making it?
Eakett: Only one favorite?
Combs: Every every single one that I was studying at the time was the one I was most obsessed with.
SB: You can have a lot of favorites. That’s fine.
Combs: I was gonna say, Hatshepsut, because it was so… Okay, like many, I don’t know, Western, like, white people, I guess, I grew up obsessed with ancient Egypt. I was just, like, so enchanted by it. I saw Stargate when I was in middle school. It’s terrible, not culturally accurate at all, but like, I would look at all the Egyptian stuff in the museums whenever I would get a chance, and I would try to like draw some of it, and just like kind of, you know… let it like take my imagination. So when we studied about Hatshepsut, the Pharaoh, it was like, okay! I knew it was sort of a controversial figure, because some people throughout the history of sexology, even going all the way back to Magnus Hirschfeld in Germany, had speculated that Hatshepsut was a trans masculine person, and there’s actually been debate, like a fair amount of debate about it, I guess, in small circles. So I went in like… I’m probably gonna find that this was not similar to a modern trans person at all, and you know it was probably, like, all politically motivated and stuff. It certainly was political, you know, political motivation is completely inseparable from this story of this Pharaoh. Because… you’re a Pharaoh! But the more details I read, I was just like… this person does not seem like a cis person. And I kept trying to, like–
Eakett: Talk yourself out of it.
Combs: Yeah, stepping way back from it. But then I kept reading more and more details, and I’d be like, none of this refutes this not being a cis person. And in fact, I feel like I could, like, almost relate to some of these things, yeah. So like, I just feel like I got really, really obsessed into that story, and I would love to go see some of the statues. I think they’re at like the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Yeah, I think they have a huge collection there.
TB: Yeah, that’s amazing. Because I’m doing this really big research project on a person from history who may have been trans.
SB: You can mention it, you’ve mentioned it on the internet.
TB: No, not until it’s done. People know who I’m talking about if they follow me. But you know, I keep doing the same thing where I’m reading lifelong diaries, and letters and things that this person wrote, and I’m- I would see things and be like, “wow, that is so trans.” And you know, I put it down, I read something else and then I’m like… were they really, though? Were they really that trans? And I pick up the next thing… I’m like, “this is so trans!”
Combs: Right? That’s exactly what happened.
SB: Yeah and sometimes I think it’s really funny, though, like, cause it’s like he spent all of this time with this woman he admired so much, and… “he must have been in love with her.” But they never did anything, and I mean, it’s just weird.
TB: Yeah, like all the reports about it, you know from cishet people, will be like, “well, clearly, he was madly in love with this woman, despite the fact that it doesn’t resemble any other form of romantic love you’ve ever seen.” And I’m like, that’s because he wanted to be her, not… okay, anyway.
Combs: There was kind of like, almost a figure like that in Hatshepsut’s life, too. Because there was this man, Senenmut, who was like part of their family, and mothered Hatshepsut’s daughter from before she became Pharaoh or anything. And Hashepsut never got pregnant from this person or anything, which you know- it was like, well, were they lovers? I’m kind of for queer found family, like, it makes more sense.
Eakett: …than if they were just pining for each other, and nothing ever happened.
Combs: Yeah, there’s these loving statues of him, with Hatshepsut’s daughter, nurturing her, hugging her. He obviously cares a lot and it reminds me more of, like, a gay uncle situation, but I can’t say for sure.
SB: But it happens all the time! Like even now, they found some people from the Vesuvius eruption from, like, two thousand years ago.
Eakett: Yeah, yeah!
SB: They were like, “we always assumed these people in this room were a family, but we found out none of them were related to each other.”
Eakett: There were five unrelated men.
SB: Right. And they were like, “they probably didn’t know each other.” And I’m like… they were-
TB: That’s the popular thing, right? They were “roommates.”
SB: “Strangers. They needed comfort in a disaster.”
Eakett: Oh my god.
SB: It’s wild to me.
TB: Yeah. Okay, well, Andrew, what about you? Did you have any anybody that was a favorite, or that you really like connected with.
Eakett: Did I have a favorite? I just liked all of them. It was just so fun to learn about all of them like… what do you think? Did I? Do you notice me having a favorite Alex? Nope, he’s like “Nope.” I would just get excited, you know? Kind of like with Alex, whoever I was working on at the time. I’d be gushing about them, although I will say it was fun to find all the different transmasc people in history, because you don’t hear a lot about them usually, and that was fun. But then, as soon as I’d start saying like, “Oh, he’s my dude”, that’d be like Lily Elba or something, and I’d be like, “Oh, but, Lily, you know,” and it’s like, I go- yeah, I love them all.
TB: It’s very understandable. One of the things that I really connected with, actually, was the two of you! And the way that Andrew talked about starting by “assisting” with the book, but then became a full on co-creator. Because that’s really similar to how Susan and I started writing together, and I never found that kind of connection with anyone before. And so that is really cool.
Combs and Eakett: Oh, cool!
TB: See, you’re you’re part of trans history right now.
Alex Combs: Oh, that’s so rad.
TB: Yeah, it’s really cool. But I wanted to ask, is this the first project that the two of you worked on together to this extent, where you were both co-creators of it?
Eakett: The first one we finished. For sure we’ve, you know, plotted and schemed, and had grand visions that didn’t get very far in the past, like back in the day. This was a more sustained effort, where we’ve really had to figure out what our roles were and what our strengths were gonna be, and how the work flow was gonna evolve. And so, yeah, that was a huge learning process and it was very rewarding, though it made me realize just how much fun it is to work with Alex, and to finish a big ambitious project.
TB: Yeah, we got that a lot when we tell people that we write together and we’re married. And they’re like, “How can you? I could never work with the person I married to. I could never. I don’t understand.”
SB: Maybe its- we’re associating with better people now.
TB: Maybe.
Combs: No, I’ve heard people say similar stuff about us.
TB: Yeah, it’s like… I don’t understand that. It works so good for us. And it clearly works really good for you, too.
Combs: Yeah. I mean, I feel like it’s a matter of luck, both luck of finding that person, but also perseverance of figuring out over time… just learning each other intimately, and learning how you can support each other, and how you can, like, shift responsibility in ways that you’re both comfortable with.
TB: Yeah, yeah.
Eakett: Yeah, and I guess, learning how to fully appreciate each other’s contributions in a way that facilitates backing off of your own ideas.
TB: Yes, yes. Setting your own ego aside if they have a better idea.
Eakett: Yeah, I think that might be it, yeah. I think that might be one of the things that gets in the way with people who are saying, “How could you do that?” is because art can sometimes be such a personal, individualistic process, that to truly collaborate and to truly let go and let it be the combined vision can be really hard. That’s like a next level thing, I think.
TB: It’s a really hard thing to do. You are wise. You have summed that up perfectly. Well done. Okay, so what is next for you two after this? Do you have another big project you’re working on?
Combs: Well, I’ve got some ideas of smaller sort of topical comics that I want to do. We definitely want to just keep doing stuff with the book and trans history, because there was so much that we had to cut from the book that I think it’d be cool to share some more of that information, in either comic format or some other way.
Eakett: Yeah. We definitely want to keep spreading the trans history gospel. But we’ve also been… I would, personally, would love to do another big project sooner rather than later. We’ve been batting around ideas about conspiracy theories and just the general misinformation landscape.
TB: Yeah?
Eakett: That’s a big, of course, other big idea that would have to be broken into some sort of smaller thing.
TB: Sure.
Eakett: But that’s kind of what we’ve been- I think we’ve been talking about a lot.
Combs: Yeah, I feel like that could be a big comic, like a graphic novel.
Eakett: …something about why people fall into conspiracy theories, or- or a story of someone who did or who lost a loved one through to it, or I’m not sure exactly what. But that’s what’s kind of bouncing around right now, which ties into trans history, too, because a lot of the misinformation about trans people going around is linked to conspiracy theories.
Combs: And I mean, it’s not something I share a lot, but I have family members who have gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole. And so I’ve seen over the years… I’ve had a front row seat to some of the ways that the conspiracy theories are linked to anti-trans sentiment. And they really are, it’s really weird.
TB: Yeah, I think when you dig into them, they’re sort of all wrapped up in a bunch of different bigotries, they sorta comingle. There’s a lot of white supremacy in them, too.
Eakett and Combs: Oh, yeah.
SB: I think it’s really important, too… one of the things I really liked were the parts of the book that talked about different cultures and the different ways that trans people have been seen throughout history, from that perspective that isn’t white, straight, hetero, Christian. And like, really like, that one viewpoint has just been crushed onto the entire world.
TB: Yay colonialism!
SB: Yeah when, you know, so many other cultures honor and understand and have words for trans people, and do not think it’s wrong or sinful.
TB: It’s just the way some people are, right.
SB: And I always want more on that.
TB: Yeah, yeah.
SB: That was the thing that left me wanting more. I love that.
Combs: We were like thinking about putting more of that, like a whole chapter about that, in. But then we quickly realized that we would have to dig a lot deeper and become really proficient in these other cultures, and we just weren’t. And we didn’t want to get that stuff wrong.
Eakett: Yeah.
Combs: And a really good book that I can recommend if you’re wanting more of that is called Before We Were Trans. Was it, Kit? Heyam?
Eakett: I think so. Yeah.
TB: Yes, yeah, I’ve read- I haven’t read that whole book, but I’ve read parts of it. And it is really good, yeah. I referenced it in one of the trans history episodes I did before.
Combs: Yeah, definitely, it more straightforwardly goes into details about the culture and the different cultural gender identities and stuff, Whereas in ours, we were sort of like, okay, we know this exists. We don’t fully, necessarily understand the subtleties and the cultural context, but we can say what the Europeans thought when they showed up and saw these people, because they wrote about it! And, like, you don’t have to know all the details, as interesting it would be, to show, well… clearly these people existed.
TB: Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it is so so important for trans and non-binary people to know that we have always existed and that we’re not a fad or a trend. We’re just a normal way some humans can be. And this book is going to help normalize that, for everyone. I think it’s going to help a lot of trans folks feel seen. And hopefully, a lot of cis folks know that there’s nothing new about being trans. So, I want to thank you both for making this book, because I think it’s going to help a lot of people. And you’ve done a really good thing.
Combs: Thank you so much. It’s so reassuring to hear you say that.
TB: I love this book, and I’m so glad that you were both willing to come on here and talk about it. It’s been lovely having you, so thank you so much for joining us to talk about this.
Combs: It’s so nice to see you again, Tilly, and to meet your wife. It’s nice to see and meet both of you. Thank you so much for having us.
Eakett: Yes, thank you both.
TB: Of course! And to the folks listening, once again, the book is Trans History: From Ancient Times to the Present Day, by Alex. L. Combs, and Andrew Eakett. Go pre-order it from bookshop.org right Now! We need books like this, so very much right now. It deserves your support.
Read it, because trans people have always been here, and we’re not going anywhere.
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week we wrap up our 100th episode celebration in episode 102, because I’m mad with power and do what I want! So here comes ASK TILLY ANYTHING! …part 5!
Do see ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 1 and part 2 from years ago, and then the new part 3 and part 4 first, if you know what’s good for you. You do know what’s good for you, don’t you?
On with your questions!
Oh I am SO glad you asked. Okay, so, first:
You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. You can’t tell if someone is trans just by looking at them.
That’s the stuff all those bullshit “transvestigators” do and they universally seem to be trying to prove that any cis woman who doesn’t conform to the “gender ideal”, either in presentation or physically, is trans. It’s an awful way of policing gender conformity.
I don’t think that’s what the person asking this question was doing, but I wanted to make that bit clear to everyone else out there first. Just do not make assumptions about people’s gender and the world will be a kinder, better place for us all.
And definitely, absolutely, unequivocally do not ask someone if they’re trans. That could put us in incredible danger, and it’s also asking us to out ourselves to you (or anyone else who may be listening). It is, frankly, none of anyone else’s business if someone is trans or cis.
BUT, if you think this new coworker might be trans and you want to show solidarity and support… wear a trans pride pin. Not only when you talk to them, just… wear it. Always. When something comes up in meetings or whatever that might affect trans people, stand up for us. It is, of course, the right thing to do and SO much safer for cis people to do. You also then spare the person who may be the only trans person present from having to do it and out themselves if they’re not ready to and risk reprisals from transphobes.
In short, just be an accomplice. Stand close enough so that the bricks thrown at us hit you too, and use your privilege as a cis person to stand up for her and all of us. Which is, ideally, what you’re doing even when you think all of your coworkers are cis, right?
Check if your health insurance plan covers trans healthcare. If it doesn’t, fight to ensure that it changes and does.
These are the things we need. We don’t need people to ask if we’re trans and then tell us you support us, we need you to support us with all of the things I just mentioned.
Just keep doing those things. That is the support and solidarity we need.
My friend, my person, my fellow human, I kind of love you for asking this. Because if you’re worried you might be a chaser, that is the first step to not being an actual chaser.
Chasers, for those unaware, are (almost universally) cis men who fetishize trans women and literally chase us around trying to have sex with us. For more on them and how awful that all is, see CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN. (Warning: it includes screenshots of chasers in my DMs and some of the content is incredibly awful)
See the thing about chasers is that they never think about the feelings of the women they fetishize. That’s literally what fetishizing us is, right? Thinking of us only as objects you can use to get your rocks off.
Chasers don’t support trans rights, they turn on you the second you don’t fawn over their attention, they’re very often bigots who think we’re “naughty” or some “safe” way to explore their own feelings about their sexuality.
It is okay to be attracted to trans women! We’re great! Trans women are hot (just ask me). What’s not okay is to treat us as if we’re not human beings with feelings, wants, and needs of our own.
If you think you’d like to approach her about being more than friends… just do that the way you would with a cis woman. It’s literally no different. We’re just women!
As long as you respect us and don’t hound our DMs, as long as you’re not preying on the newly-out looking for someone to finally see them as the women they are, as long as you’re treating us like human beings, you’re not a chaser.
Just don’t be a creep! Not being a chaser is the easiest thing in the world to do (which makes it remarkable that so very many cis men entirely fail at it).
Yeah this one is really complicated, because cross-dressing isn’t the same as being trans. But some cross dressers are absolutely trans! But some also aren’t.
I think the important thing to remember here is that it’s not cross dressing that makes someone trans, because a whole lot of cis people do it. If you’re trans or nonbinary and a cross dresser, that’s cool, you’re trans. Cross dressing doesn’t negate your transness.
But cis people who are cross dressers do not get to call themselves trans, because by the very definition they’re cis. Or… presumably.
Because invariably some of those cis cross dressers discover they’re actually trans through cross dressing.
So I think we need to be inclusive of the cross dressing community, but I think the cross dressers who know they’re cis need to not take advantage of that. And I think that’s where the hesitance comes in, because there are so few places for trans people that don’t get invaded and taken over by cis people.
I mean I can’t speak for the trans people you mentioned who aren’t accepting of cross dressers, but my gut says that’s where it comes from. Fear over another potential cis invasion of space and privacy.
I think it’s on cis cross dressers to know that things for trans people, that are inclusive for cross dressers, are inclusive of trans cross dressers and are not intended for cis folks.
I mean drag queens technically fall under the cross dressing umbrella, but they’re almost all cis men. And conflating drag queens with trans women is a big problem, because it perpetuates seeing trans women as “men in dresses,” which we are not.
I love drag queens! But outside of the few that are trans, the vast majority are not trans people. They’re cis men dressing up as (often heightened versions of) a different gender.
Do you cross dress for sexual gratification? Not trans. Do you cross dress for fun? Or work? Not trans. Do you want to be/feel or believe you are a different gender than the one assigned at birth? Trans.
It’s not the clothes you wear that make you trans, it’s about who you are.
I haven’t fully examined my thoughts on the topic before, so I’m not sure how well I’m explaining it and these might not be my final thoughts on it. Maybe it needs an essay of its own one day, I dunno. But that’s where I’m at right now.
Cis cross dressers gotta know what is and is not for them, and trans cross dressers are trans.
Well this is a, sadly, very short answer. I can only read and speak English, and that’s it. I had two years of French in high school, and my first teacher was great but the second absolutely killed my desire to continue learning it. So I never went any further beyond that, and I don’t remember much of it, and I haven’t had the time to try and pick up another one.
At its most basic, to just be able to make a living writing and telling stories. For my wife and I to get staffed on a tv show, move up, and become showrunners that get to run shows we created someday. And to work on as much Star Trek as possible.
And if you wanna get really wild, if we somehow ever got incredibly successful financially, I’d love to start a studio specifically to produce movies and tv shows written and created by trans people.
Oh shit. This is going to require some explanation.
It’s an homage/spoof of old time radio audio drama, about a group of pilots with sci-fi planes and rayguns fighting nazis in WWII. It’s very silly, a nazi gets punched for comedic value in nearly every episode, and there’s a robot that goes through a “Servo reassignment surgery” ah ha ha ha there were no signs.
Anyway, as part of the show there were entirely fake commercials in the middle, all for products from the show’s fictional sponsor, that were also spoof of old radio commercials from the 30s and 40s (they. Were. a. TRIP.). And I played the commercial announcer in all fifty episodes of the show, in what can only be described as an ill-suited, warbling voice of discombobulated bewilderment. I honestly don’t think I could even do it anymore, after speech therapy!
And so to answer your question: I would describe that guy as perpetually confused but happy to read whatever is in front of him and support the employer who signed his paychecks.
So first, no, I don’t take any supplements or anything. I just eat a lot of protein and a lot of fiber (and let’s be honest, a lot of carbs). I do keep protein bars on hand for when I get snackish though, because you need a lot of protein to build muscle. My faves are TruBar, because they actually almost taste like candy bars. Best tasting ones I’ve had. I’m particularly fond of their Daydreaming About Donuts, Whipped for Key Lime, and Saltylicious Almond Love varieties. They’re also really high in fiber, which helps because when you eat a lot of protein, uh, you need that extra fiber. I am not paid to say any of this! I just legit love them.
But what supplements you take or don’t take, and what you eat or don’t eat, is going to vary for everyone because every body is different. I eat a PB&J for lunch every day with (rotating flavors of) a sugar-free and high fiber jelly and high-fiber bread, along with a pound of grapes and like three to four bananas. And every other day for dinner I have a salad so big we had to buy an extra big bowl for it, and it’s got an entire head of romaine lettuce and a ton of tomatoes and almost a pound of deli meat in it.
And, like… that is not gonna work for most people. But it works great for me! I talked about that in PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU, I have an unreal alien metabolism, one of the things my dad gifted me with.
Also working out didn’t affect my transition mindset, it was actually the other way around! All the exercise I do was the first thing I ever did to start my transition, years before I could medically or socially transition. I talked all about that in BODY HACKING.
Also also, if you wanna see the latest of where all my exercise is at, check out my FOUR YEAR RETROSPECTIVE as it includes the most recent photo of where I’m at physically with my workouts.
Dr. Pulaski is no more cranky or racist than Bones, and in fact learns and grows beyond her bigotry in her one and only season of The Next Generation. Yet she’s universally derided for it, while Bones is celebrated for it (he’s really unrepentantly racist toward Spock through all of The Original Series, and it’s always played for laughs). That’s some sexism at work.
Chris Pine is a far better Kirk than William Shatner was. Pine’s Kirk is overconfident and compassionate and charismatic. Shatner’s Kirk is smarmy and compassionate and charismatic. And the flip from smarmy to overconfident makes all the difference for me. I can love an overconfident character, but I find myself extra repulsed by smarmy cis white men these days. To be clear I don’t hate Shatner’s Kirk, he’s still compassionate. But sometimes the smarm is too much and it icks me out, and I don’t get that from Pine at all, so I’ll take Pine first every time. (I feel like I haven’t seen enough of Paul Wesley’s Kirk on Strange New Worlds yet to make a determination about where he falls in the Kirk hierarchy.)
Also there is no bad Star Trek. There are some highly problematic episodes, and movies and series that succeeded at what they were trying to do more than others, but… there is no bad Star Trek.
The best thing is how it’s founded on the ideals of inclusion and equality, of hope and wonder.
The worst thing is that it’s made by fallible humans and is always a product of its time. So it’s had sexist episodes, and racist episodes, and homophobic episodes, and transphobic episodes. It, and the people who work on it, are not exempt from the implicit biases of our society.
But it posits a world that is exempt from those, because we’ve recognized and addressed them, and over time it grows more and more into being as inclusive as its ideals have always been. And there’s no other mass media franchise you can really say that about, and that is a huge reason why I love it as much as I do.
It says we can be better if we choose to be better, and look at the wonders we can accomplish together when that happens.
And that’s fucking beautiful.
Oof, there’s no easy answer to that. Internalized and implicit biases are nightmares to root out and get rid of.
For INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA, the most important thing is, again, community. We can often see it in others when we can’t see it in ourselves. So we need other trans people to be like, hey babe…. That thing you just said about yourself? That’s internalized transphobia. We have to recognize it before we can fight it. And fighting it is about realizing that it’s transphobic society that wants us to feel that way, and they do NOT get to tell us how to feel about ourselves (especially when society wants us to feel embarrassed, or ashamed, or like we’re not enough, or like we’re freaks, or like there’s something wrong with us, or-). Nobody gets to tell us how to feel about ourselves.
For cis folks with implicit transphobia (see IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more), it’s the same as it is with other implicit biases. You have to recognize that they’re there and that society put those biases in you, and you have to actively work to change your way of thinking about it. And that can best happen by listening to and believing and learning from the people you want to change your biases about.
Because biases and phobias can crumble when the unknown is replaced with knowledge, because then you’ve no longer got anything to be scared of.
This is why representation in media is so fucking important, by the way. It’s the way most of the people in our country first learn about people who are different from them. And so if marginalized communities like trans people aren’t getting that rep (see 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA), or worse, have all the propaganda about us confirmed for them (see BAD REPRESENTATION: EMILIA PEREZ), that has real world consequences for us and the way we’re treated, thought about, and think about ourselves.
First I’d say you absolutely need to check out CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT for how very, very badly we need you to support us when we come out, and what can happen when you don’t.
Second, I’d say that you may have complicated feelings about it (even if you’re fully supportive!) and that’s okay, because you’re human. But what you cannot do is make your complicated feelings your trans spouse or partner’s problem. Our coming out isn’t about YOU, it’s about us, and it’s already such a complicated and complex and often difficult thing to do.
The last thing we need is you trying to work through your weird feelings about “losing a version of us” or what have you, because that’s not what’s actually happening. This doesn’t mean you don’t have real feelings to work through! It just means your own internalized confusion over it, and possible internalized transphobia and/or homophobia) cannot be our problem, not then. See CIS GRIEF (over trans people when we come out) for more.
So my advice to you is, whatever it is you’re feeling, know that your spouse wasn’t lying to you about who they were. It doesn’t mean your marriage is a lie, it doesn’t mean staying married to them after transition is somehow breaking your vow because you vowed you were “marrying a man” and not a trans woman, or whatever other nonsense.
Your spouse was trying to be the person that society and all of their friends and family and possibly even you told them they were and had to be. And that hurt them, and it wounded them, and they want to be free of trying to be someone they’re not.
You care about them, you love them, you should want them to be happy and to be whoever they truly are. So when they’re on the path to doing that, and they trust you enough to tell you, you have got to support them all the way through it. You’re their spouse, that’s the job. It’s what you signed up for. That’s love, baby.
If you don’t know what they need, ask. If they don’t yet know, that’s okay. Tell them whenever they do, you’re there to help. It’s a scary as fuck time to come out, so just make it unequivocally clear you love them and support them and will be with them every step of the way.
Learn what you need to support them (there are lots of resources… like Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays, oh what?!). Learn as they learn. Follow where they lead. Just as you would with literally anything else in their life, because they’re your spouse, right?
You’re partners. So just… be a partner. Be a spouse. And love them.
Y’know, I’ve never really gotten to have my Progesterone Dream Theater as part of Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays, so it’s about time to change that! Let’s get some immortalized in digital ink.
I should add, for those not in the know, progesterone is a hormone some trans women on HRT take, and it’s got some wild side effects, like increased sex drive, making you sleep really well (I’ve never slept better)… AND WILD-ASS DREAMS.
I never had dreams like these before being on progesterone. And the benefit of posting them to social media for hilarity, is that I now have them all gathered together here. For you.
And now I present to you….
Tilly’s Progesterone Dream Theater!
PROGESTERONE DREAM 1
so Guns N Roses was putting on a concert inside a deli and Slash told me he couldn’t play for reasons, and so I had to play with the band instead but… I don’t know how! he doesn’t care, it has to be me so he takes me to a case with his guitar, and I open it and inside is a tiny guitar half the size of normal made out of rubber and I pick it up and it bends all over, it’s very noodley and I say “but the strings are so tiny!” and they are, even tinier than the rest of this mini bendy rubber guitar cut to the end of Welcome to the Jungle and I’m somehow playing it and things are going okay, but I’m struggling with the tiny strings and it keeps wobbling and bending and is hard to hold and I can’t believe I am somehow holding it and plucking the right strings and somehow playing the song when I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MUSIC (this is a true fact) and then it cuts right into the intro to Sweet Child O’ Mine and I don’t just manage it, I NAIL it and I look to the crowd, and Slash is there in his hat, and he smiles and gives me a thumbs up
PROGESTERONE DREAM 2
things were REALLY weird and i KNEW they were weird but not that i was dreaming so i kept asking every person in my dream why things were so weird and they all got mad at me for not knowing i was dreaming
PROGESTERONE DREAM 3
I was in an infinite white void running through it was a hallway with no ceiling the walls were covered in Lego plates, so you could build on them there was a bearded burly lumberjack guy in a harness dangling from a rope between the walls, swinging back and forth between them rapidly, sticking legos on to build stuff and there was a flying drone with a bucket attached that had to zoom around and catch any legos he dropped because if any hit the floor WE WOULD ALL DIE
PROGESTERONE DREAM 4
a woman was talking to me, pointed a finger at me and said: “Well I can tell you one weird thing, you’re going to wake up right now.” AND OUR ALARM IMMEDIATELY WENT OFF
PROGESTERONE DREAM 5
I’m on the Walking Dead set and discover over 12 seasons only 240 hours passed for the characters (I was SO mad about it), and then Tom Petty had squirrel teeth and couldn’t sing and demanded I fix them for him
PROGESTERONE DREAM 6 I was being chased by a bundle of dry spaghetti, running through a grid in which, at every intersection, there was a singe dried spaghetti noodle that rose up to the infinite sky. I escaped my pursuer by… climbing a mountain made of one pound bags of baby carrots.
PROGESTERONE DREAM 7
We got a brand new apartment for the first time, and it was big and wonderful, but it was also a huge building up on stilts and the only way down was to ride an invisible cloth hammock conveyor UP 20 STORIES to a tower a couple miles across town and take its elevator down.
Also we had a tiny multicolored translucent gelatin cat with a moose head (complete with antlers) that followed us everywhere and liked to play inside sink drains
PROGESTERONE DREAM 8
real me and a cartoon version of Timothy Olyphant are private detectives tracking down a real rabbit who worked at an ice cream shop, and the rabbit wore a shirt that said “are you a creamer?” (creamers were anyone who likes ice cream)
PROGESTERONE DREAM 9
Woke up with the phrase “uh oh, dinosaurs!” in my head
PROGESTERONE DREAM 10
Dreamed I had a heart attack and instead of calling the hospital, people called the Soulful Wellness Center. A van from there arrived five minutes later, and a woman got out and said I was now booked for a six night stay in June. But I’m having a heart attack NOW, I told her. She shrugged and then misgendered me, so I forced the heart attack away, picked her up and threw her all the way across the street.
PROGESTERONE DREAM 11
I was helping Hayley Atwell learn ballroom dancing (to Total Eclipse of the Heart) and she wasn’t sure if she should keep doing MCU movies I said yes “because they’re running out of bankable stars” she was tooootally into me but respected that I was married and we would just be friends then she asked me to put the eggs (that were on the floor in the corner of the room) away… but only the brown ones
And now, for the installment of Progesterone Dream Theater that I think exemplifies them all:
PROGESTERONE DREAM 12
I know I had three dreams one night, and while I didn’t remember the first two dreams, I did remember everything faded to white between and I was like what is this am I in a void? no there was a TITLE CARD between each of my dreams, and it looked just like this
Thank you all for coming along with me on this ride of, now, two hundred nineteen Trans Tuesdays and one hundred and two podcast episodes.
I do these for you, and I hope I hope I hope they’ve been of some help to you.
Okay, I’m gonna vamoose. My cryotube needs maintenance, but my brain’s too scrambled to do it.
![Sigma.male2022 on insta DMs me: Hi my lady [lip emoji]. I want to see your swallow my goldfish henry. [two devil emoji]. Put him inside your belly [open hands emoji]. And I give you all you want. [devil emoji]](https://www.tillystranstuesdays.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/38.jpg)
![Today I did something I’d been terrified to do for most of my life (I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s not dangerous so do not worry). And all I can tell you is that we only live once and if you’re wondering if you should do that thing that scares you? Fuck yes. Go do it. [purple heart emoji]](https://www.tillystranstuesdays.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/image.png)
