Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something that can be a huge problem for a lot of trans people who transition as adults. It’s something that’s eaten up SO MUCH of my time and energy and I bet you have no idea. We’re talking about TRANS VOICES: GENDERING.
I routinely see so many trans people struggling with this, so I wanted to do a series on my own experiences. I’m going to talk about my early experiences this week, where I finally ended up next week, and then we’ll culminate with an interview with my speech pathologist!
A reminder that I’m giving you MY experiences and perspective only, and I don’t speak for all trans people or all trans women. I’m also not a speech/language pathologist, so don’t expect a deep dive into the science of it all.
But I did work with a speech pathologist, for years. And all of that was to help me change my voice so I hopefully don’t sound like a cisgender man. The goal was twofold: make me feel more like ME AND reduce the gender dysphoria my voice gave me.
But it’s also to help me be gendered correctly as I move through this world that is often unkind (or worse) to trans people. It’s also something of a safety issue, because if you look like a woman but sound like a man, you can risk opening yourself up to even more abuse.
And here’s where it gets complex, because NO ONE should have to have any voice other than the one they WANT, just to feel safe and accepted for who they are. Plenty of cis women have voices with a lower pitch and may struggle in a similar way.
And it’s bullshit. All a trans person should have to worry about is sounding the way WE want to, and to hell with whatever anyone else thinks. But we don’t live in a world where that’s possible, which brings us to the an event I want to talk about.
I was on a Zoom call that was audio only. At the time I didn’t have an avatar or user photo, so on audio-only calls it just showed my name in the square where the video would otherwise be. Not that a photo would necessarily have helped anyway, as I do not “pass” as a cis person.
For more on how fraught that entire concept is, see the trans tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
After an hour and a half of lively, interesting discussion, someone else on the call said something to the effect of, “we’re all men here,” and my heart sank to below the bottom of the ocean. I was dealing with the emotional fallout from that for the rest of the day.
It wasn’t malicious, it wasn’t intentional misgendering. And the host of the call, who is a very good friend of mine, immediately corrected the guy who said it and told him I’m a woman, so that I didn’t have to (which is PEAK allyship IMO).
It is, in fact, a small but simple demonstration of PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP (aka being an accomplice), which there’s a whole trans tuesday about.
At that point I’d been in voice therapy for at least six months. It involved long calls with a speech pathologist every few weeks and daily vocal exercises to try and train myself to speak differently than I have for my entire life.
It’s hard. It’s SO hard. And you sound so absurd when doing it. You do these “sirens” with your pitch going up and down in one tone, over and over again. You practice holding a tone at a certain pitch for different lengths of time.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You practice speaking like you’re sighing, and then practice speaking without the sigh but hopefully with your vocal folds in the same posture to change the sound of the words.
You go through word lists time and again, trying to change your inflection and intonation. And when your voice gets tired you blow raspberries. Lip trills relax the throat and vocal chords. You can also just talk with your tongue out! Ludicrous. But it helps.
And when you have to do this in front of other people, or talking to them on the phone like all my voice therapy sessions have been… if you had much of an ego before, this will shatter it into a million tiny shards, let me assure you.
The change is incremental. It’s slow. It’s climbing a mountain with one arm tied behind your back. It’s frustrating and feels like trying to change the immutable. Because hormone replacement therapy does NOTHING for a trans woman’s voice.
And on this call I’d talked to this guy for NINETY MINUTES, and he could see my name was TILLY, and the others on the call referred to me as Tilly, and HE STILL THOUGHT I WAS A DAMNED MAN.
All my work, all the hours, all the practice, and even when paired with my name his brain said, “nah, nope, that’s a dude.” And you get to feeling like… why do I bother? What’s the point? Will I EVER be seen and heard as who I am? What a horrid spiked pit to be thrown into.
So what’s the science behind voice therapy? Again I’m not a professional here, but some of it is incredibly fascinating to me. Cis men are generally taller than cis women, but if you think in terms of musical instruments…
…the bigger or longer the instrument, the deeper the sound. To say nothing of the way testosterone will also cause your voice to deepen (hey look, another reason it’s super important to let trans kids have access to puberty blockers).
I talked all about that in the trans tuesday on TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM.
But that’s not all! People who are assigned male at birth have vocal folds that close all the way. So when they speak, they have to force more air through the folds to make sound. Which makes AMAB voices sound stronger, more curt, maybe more forceful.
People who are assigned female at birth have vocal folds that DON’T close all the way. So when they speak, AFAB voices tend to be a little breathier and softer and maybe a little more drawn out, because more air gets through and they don’t have to force the folds open.
A lot of the work I did at the beginning of voice therapy, in addition to trying to learn to speak from the front of my face and not from deep in my chest, was trying to train my vocal chords so I could speak a little softer and breathier like people AFAB generally tend to.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a science nerd and I find that absolutely fascinating. But it can’t just be fun and cool science, oh no. Because we live in a society, and how that society treats us impacts every facet of our lives.
When I first talked to my first voice therapist (I only worked with the first for about six months, and then worked with the second for two years), she felt compelled to give me a disclaimer: a lot of this is sexist. A lot of it is very sexist. And she hated it.
AND YET some of those very things are a good way to help a trans woman be gendered correctly. Like the way cis women often pitch UP at the end of a sentence? So everything might sound like a question? Even when it’s not?
And if you do that fairly consistently, in a lot of people’s brains they’ll read that as a woman speaking?
And how much bullshit is that? HOW MUCH?
ALL OF IT (no question mark).
When I first began voice therapy, I was sent a huge packet. It’s got some scientific explanations for things, most of it is large and varied word lists I used for different exercises to practice, but when first going through it… a few pages made my head explode.
Like this one:
A worksheet titled “Highlighting Vocabulary Differences.” Text reads:
The following scene played out between a man and a woman. Read through the scenario and determine which character was the man and which character was the woman, based on the vocabulary used. Highlight the words that are stereotypically gender-specific.
Character A: Hi! How are you?
Character B: I’m doing good, you?
Character A: I’ve been fantastic! It seems like it has been so long since I’ve seen you. What have you been up to?
Character B: Eh, not much. Just the same ol’, same ol’. How about you? How was your weekend?
Character A: My weekend was great. I bought a new outfit on Saturday and got a brand new hairdo on Sunday! I was afraid my stylist wouldn’t cut it right, but he did.
Character B: Oh yeah, it looks good.
Character A: Thanks. Did you have a nice weekend?
Character B: It was pretty good. I went to this restaurant called “Umami.” I liked it. Character A: I’ve been there! Oh my goodness, their food is so yummy. I have to go back soon.
Character B: Yeah, I liked it a lot.
Character A: Well, it was great to see you. I have to go to class now.
Character B: Yeah, it was good to see you too. I hope to see you around sometime. Have a good one.
Character A: That would be wonderful. Bye!
And this one:
A worksheet titled “Highlighting Vocabulary Differences.” Text reads:
The following scene played out between a man and a woman. Read through the scenario and determine which character was the man and which character was the woman, based on the vocabulary used. Highlight the words that are stereotypically gender-specific.
Character A: What are you going to order?
Character B: I’m not sure yet. Have you decided?
Character A: Uh-huh.
Character B: Oh, what are you going to have?
Character A: I’m gonna have the number eight.
Character B: Ooooh, that looks good.
Character A: Yeah. I’ve never had it before.
Character B: Ewwww! There’s a hair in my water glass! Yuck!
Character A: That’s not cool. Tell the waiter.
Character B: I will, I just hope he doesn’t think I’m being rude.
Character A: Nah, you’re just pointin’ it out. No big deal.
Character B: Okay. Hmmmm, I think I will try the number six. That looks sooooo delicious!
Character A: Yeah, I saw that one. You’re gonna have to lemme try it.
Character B: Absolutely not! Hee-hee. I’m just teasing.
Character A: Hah. You better be.
Character B: Okay, where is our waiter? My tummy is rumbling and I want a new water glass!
But if you thought those were bad…
A worksheet titled “Highlighting Style Differences.” Text reads:
The following scene played out between a man and a woman. Read through the scenario and determine which character was the man and which character was the woman, based on their communication style. Read the entire script before making your decision.
Character A: I had a difficult day at work today. My boss was so grumpy. She really hurt my feelings.
Character B: You might need to talk to HR about her.
Character A: I don’t know if I need to do that. It’s just that she always makes me feel so inadequate. I feel like I try so hard but it’s never good enough for her.
Character B: Well, what does she tell you to improve upon? Why don’t you start working towards a new goal to improve upon each day?
Character A: I am constantly trying to improve myself. I feel like she doesn’t listen to me though. I wish she were just more sensitive to other people’s feelings when she talks to them.
Character B: You know you’re a hard worker. You should just focus on what you’re doing right when she’s being that way.
Character A: Yeah, I know. It’s hard though. I guess I’m too sensitive sometimes. I wish I could talk to my coworkers about this, but they all seem to love her.
Character B: Hmmm. I don’t know what to tell you.
Character A: I’m not looking for advice. I’m just telling you I had a rough day. I need someone to listen.
Character B: Okay. I’m listening.
Character A: Well, that was pretty much it. That’s all I wanted to say. I just feel like I’m trying so hard and I’m not appreciated.
So! What have we learned? Women are submissive, ask questions, complain, talk about superficial things. Men are assured, forceful, declarative, concerned only with “important” things. Yikes yikes yikes HOLY SHIT YIKES.
To my first AND second voice therapist’s credit, neither ever used or even referred to anything remotely close to what you see on those sheets. But the fact IT’S INCLUDED IN THE PACKET AT ALL IS ABHORRENT.
And this is what we’re up against. At times it feels like we can conform to every horrible, harmful, sexist belief about women and MAYBE be gendered correctly (but still maybe not!), or we can not even try and maybe NEVER be gendered correctly.
What a horrible spot to be put in. We just want to be ourselves, but here’s yet another aspect of our lives where society is telling us if we don’t do X exactly as they expect, we’ll never get there.
No person, trans or cis, should have to change their voice (or anything else about themselves) just to be seen as who we truly are.
I’ve always had trouble getting all my thoughts out when talking, because my brain moves so much faster than I can speak and I can’t keep up. And I’m always trying to find the best way to say what I want to say, probably because I’m a writer and value clarity.
So now on top of all that, I had to think about my breathing, and keeping my resonance in my face, and trying to not force air through my vocal folds, and where was my pitch, and I had to vary that pitch so it didn’t sound monotone…
…and I had to do it the right way so I don’t hurt myself. And then I had to try to keep my vocal folds relaxed so more air could get through and I’m not forcing words out and making harder sounds like a cis man would.
And it felt like when someone asked me a question, I’d need two minutes to do all of that first and then maybe I could try to reply. But you don’t get two minute gaps in conversations! So my brain and body were moving at light speed trying to do all of this at once.
Just speaking, at all, was exhausting. It DID get easier, which we’ll talk about next week. But it’s just so much work. It’s so hard. And it took YEARS. And I don’t think anybody even knows what it’s like if they haven’t had this experience themselves.
The only ill will I hold toward the person who misgendered me on that Zoom call is that he made a gender assumption he shouldn’t have. Well… he also didn’t bother to apologize. So, okay, I’m still mad about that and now I prefer to just never be around him.
And I would like to please caution ALL OF YOU out there to never make any assumption about someone’s gender. Not based on their hair, or their clothes, or their voice, or the way they walk, or any damned other thing.
What’s the benefit to you? Getting to skip a moment of uncomfortableness while you ask them their pronouns or wait for them to reveal it in passing as you talk? Oh no, how horrible!
The alternative is making someone, possibly trans, possibly cis, feel like they’re not being seen for who they are. And you don’t know how much work and time and energy they’re putting into trying so, so hard to be seen correctly.
Here’s a super lovely poem by Ari Drennen on this very topic. It was everything I needed right when I needed it.
A tweet from Ari Drennen that reads: Nearly every trans woman I know is self conscious about her voice. When I hear a trans woman speak I think about all the hours in the bathroom mirror or alone in the car, nudging the sounds we make closer to something that sounds like home.
There are two screenshots of a poem she wrote, which read:
When I hear a trans woman’s voice, Ari Drennen
Whenever I hear a trans woman’s voice
I think of the seed once buried deep
Below the winter snows, salt from the
Road, and dirt kicked up by the tires
of the cars it carries. Green new growth
Unfolding luxuriously towards the summer sun
One time in college, a kindly old
Professor took me aside after his
Lecture to let me know that the questions
At the ends of my sentences made me
Sound less bright, as though knowledge
Is a bristling martial march and not the
realization that most of what’s in our head
Would not survive first contact with
A question. I thanked him,
Shut myself in my room, practiced
Sounding certain. Boys are certain, Right?
Men are certain.
When I hear a trans woman’s voice
I think of a spring-loaded silver
Ballerina in my grandmother’s attic,
Twisted taut since some forgotten niece’s
Forgotten birthday, dancing by herself
For the pleasure of the moonlight.
I practice sounding uncertain.
I practice being uncertain.
I unfold my words from the space
Within my chest and let them flow
Through the tiny circles I form
With my mouth. I think of the soft
Chatter of spring songbirds and
The glow of chamomile tea sipped
Under plush blankets. I think of
Blooming dandelions and lips
Stained by wild raspberries.
Understand how difficult this can be for us. And stop assuming people’s gender, based on voice or appearance or anything else. It’s the kind thing to do.
And keep at it, trans friends. Over time you can move mountains.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
PS – part 2 is here!