Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is the continuation of last week’s ASK TILLY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING TRANS. You had so many questions that deserved thoughtful answers so it went long. This week: personal changes, HRT, sex, early transition tips, how to know if you’re trans, and more!
If you missed ASK TILLY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING TRANS part 1 last week, or just want a reminder of all the good stuff that was asked about my name, selfies, trans people/stories in media, and dealing with transphobia, def check it out!
–Did you feel like there were things you had to learn or relearn as you transitioned or did it all just come naturally?–
This one’s going to be different for everyone. For me, I had to learn a whole lot of new things. I’d never experimented with makeup before, I didn’t know how to wear a skirt (or even put one on), I had no idea how to take care of my hair, etc.
But even more than that, you notice things you maybe never did before. A lot of women don’t walk the same way men do. Don’t sit or move their hands the same way. Don’t even just stand still with the same posture or position.
And nobody has to change those things if they don’t want to, but if I don’t do that I risk reading more as a man to people and open myself up to misgendering, or even violence. And maybe it makes me feel more “womanly” if I do?
It’s a very weird situation to be forced into. But it’s also partly internal, and some people may change their mannerisms or the ways they walk or sit or stand long before transitioning or even knowing they’re trans.
When I saw the first full-body photos of me once I started transitioning there was a weird disconnect, because I was standing like I used to but looking more like I do now, and I couldn’t figure out why the two didn’t seem to line up. It’s such a strange thing.
I’ve also been in voice therapy for nearly two years, learning how to change my voice so it reads more as a woman to people I’m talking to (likely on a subconscious level that most people don’t even realize). It’s been the absolute most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. Read more in TRANS VOICES.
HRT does nothing for trans ladies’ voices, so it’s a whole lot of understanding the biology and psychology of speech, and then practicing FOREVER to get it to where you want it to be.
So to sum up, yes absolutely. When you change the way the world thinks of you, it changes the way you think of the world, and everything is different. You have to figure out how to fit in it the way you want to, and get it to recognize you the way you want it to.
What in your life has changed the least since transitioning?
What simply makes more sense, or feels more right, to you about your life now?
(Something that’s always been you, but “fits,” (for lack of a better word) now, in a way it didn’t before.)
My home life has basically not changed at all, which I credit my amazing wife Susan and our son with. Especially Susan, who always allowed me to be ME for our entire life together, so a lot of the opening up/finding out who I really am (personality-wise) happened long before transition.
https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555295687570440192
What makes more sense and feels more right is the entire world, and my body, and my place in it. All those bad feelings I had and didn’t understand for my entire life now make perfect sense. LIFE makes more sense and feels right, because I’m being the real me.
The one thing that “fits” better, or I guess makes more sense, is my obsession with writing about the nature of reality and memory and characters who are searching for their true identity. It’s not a surprise that I always connected with those things!
It now also makes perfect sense why so much of my past writing involved people switching bodies… always also just so happening to include a gender change. Ha ha ha, nope, I wasn’t subconsciously working through anything at all, why do you ask?
What were the hardest, & most rewarding, moments (if different) at the start of your transition, at six months, one year, two years?
Could you speak to a time you went back to something you loved, & how your experience of it changed, post transition?
(Like your rewatch of Trek.)
Voice has always been the hardest. Though at first, even stepping outside our apartment as my true self was scary as hell and overwhelming. To be honest, even just dressing as myself at home was incredibly difficult and overwhelming at first. All that got easier with time.
https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555296793516072960
The most rewarding and unexpected thing has to be recently hitting a point where SO MUCH of my life changed, due to transition, in ways I could never have even expected. Dysphoria affects us in ways we don’t even realize, and when it lessens or dissipates, beautiful things happen.
Like my discovering that going to a new place with people I didn’t know for the first time as myself was… exhilarating and wonderful, whereas it used to terrify me and make me miserable. I did a Trans Tuesday on that – CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
Or the way dysphoria was occupying SO much of my brain, my time, and my energy that once it was gone I suddenly had the whole world open up to me and found amazing things I never had the capacity to experience before. I did a Trans Tuesday on that – FREEING UP MY BRAIN (aka lunch with Tilly)
Or the COMPLETELY unexpected, and most incredibly joy-inducing thing of photos suddenly giving me… NO dysphoria. At all. I could never have dreamed such a thing was possible. See PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.
My experiences with *everything* changed, watching them for the first time as myself. Anything even remotely connecting to gender hits me entirely differently than it used to. Just like in my life I notice all kinds of things I could never see before. Like the code of the Matrix!
Do you ever forget that you used to answer to a different name or presented differently?
(Or is this just me?)
I don’t forget that I presented differently, or had a different name, because there are so many reminders of that in my life that I’ll likely never be able to get away from. I’m not sure there’s a whole lot I can do about that.
https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555316169350844416
This may come as a surprise, but I ALSO did a Trans Tuesday about how I’ve really got NO ESCAPE from my deadname or reminders of the false person I used to have to pretend to be. I can’t even escape regular reminders that I’m trans. I don’t get to just be a person.
–How much will HRT affect my sexual functionality?–
I’m going to guess you mean as someone assigned male and birth and then going on estrogen and/or testosterone blockers, to which the answer is: likely a lot. Anytime your testosterone is lowered, it’s going to affect your sexual functionality.
That’s a big side effect of all testosterone blockers (most of which were developed as hair loss drugs for cis men, btw… for them the T blocking is a side-effect, for many trans people it’s the desired effect). But even just going on estrogen alone will lower your T levels.
Firstly, in case this is why you’re asking, it’s very likely that HRT will make you infertile. If you want to be a biological parent of any children in the future, you should work under the assumption that after a while on HRT that will no longer be possible.
Also be prepared for your junk to likely shrink. All of it. On the plus side, that may make tucking easier for you. If anyone out there needs a reminder/primer about TUCKING AND BINDING, here you go!
And it’s also very much a “use it or lose it” situation, because spontaneous erections while you’re sleeping will slow or stop, and if you go too long without exercising the muscle, as it were, it won’t work the same.
But that could actually prove really difficult to do because another known side-effect of adding E and/or lowering T is reduced sex drive. Not everyone on E or T blockers experiences that (and some find their drive increases), but it’s pretty common and probably fairly likely.
Estrogen and Testosterone fight each other in the body, because… I don’t know. But they do. Adding in E will lower your T. To get your E higher, you’ve got to block or lower the T. And getting your E higher is what hopefully gives you the results you want HRT to give you.
Annoyingly, hormones affect everyone differently. You have to find what combo of HRT works best for you, and gets you the results you want while minimizing the side-effects you don’t (like, for you, losing some or all sexual function).
It may be that low levels of E do enough for you that you’re happy with it and can find a balance that also preserves your sexual function. It may be that just a T blocker will get you what you need, or maybe low doses of both.
What’s important is finding an endocrinologist who knows what you want and will help you find the best ways to achieve that, and not try to force their own thoughts about what you *should* do onto you. There is no “should” when it comes to HRT, there’s only what’s right for YOU.
And the good news is hormones work REALLY slowly, so if you start with low doses and see how it goes, you can stop something you don’t like at any time. All the changes happen over a long, long period of time. You have time to adjust, but you also have to be very patient.
–Was there a sense of liberation during sex after transitioning?–
I don’t know that I’d call it liberation. I’ve said many times my dysphoria was mostly related to my face, facial hair, and body hair (and to a lesser extent, my flat chest). For many it’s their secondary sex characteristics and external genitalia.
For those in the latter group, it may well be liberating. For me, it just became BETTER because I didn’t have all that pain and all those walls keeping me from everything good in life. It definitely became an entirely new experience.
I don’t want to get too personal, but HRT also changed what physically feels good to me in terms of sex, which was hugely surprising. I mean your body goes through a lot of changes, but *the way things physically feel* wasn’t something I anticipated changing.
It, uh… also changed orgasms. A LOT. They are an ENTIRELY different experience than before. And having had both kinds of them, I can confidently say MY CIS DUDES you do not know what you’re missing! Cause hoooooooooly shit.
SORRY FOR THE TMI look I’m just trying to help. We’re all adults here! Let’s move on. 😬
Obviously all Trans people are born trans, but some seem to break their life down into “Who I was before transition” and “Who I am after transition” as being two different people. Whilst others reject that and insist that they were always their true gender. Any ideas why?
For trans people who transition as adults, I think there’s two ways this goes. There’s my way, which I sadly think is much more rare, and then what I suspect is the more common way.
https://twitter.com/SmashingCrumpet/status/1555973338136190984
My way is that I had such a great relationship with my wife, who always allowed me to be myself and explore and experiment with anything I wanted even long before I really suspected I was trans, that transitioning didn’t change who I was inside.
It just allowed me to be MORE me. And yes, I know, I am A LOT™. I’m so glad she loves me and puts up with all my nonsense. I LOVE YOU LADY YOU ARE THE BEST ahem okay moving on.
For most folks, I think dysphoria coupled with unsafe or bad home/work/social environments means that as part of pretending to be the gender society expects them to be, they do things or “like” things that they don’t really want to do, or like, or say, or believe.
You’re pretending to go along with things because that’s what society expects and you’re trying to be that person, and I think for a lot of people that comes with all that baggage. When you free yourself of pretending to be the shell you aren’t, you free yourself of that baggage.
I mean it even kind of happened for me a little, with my love of bows. I’ve always loved them my whole life, but never felt I could really express that in any meaningful way. You’re never going to believe this, and I don’t want to alarm you… but there’s a Trans Tuesday about that too. See SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER (and bows Bows BOWS).
For people who have a LOT of things like that in their life, there’s probably a much clearer delineation and it maybe even feels like two separate people. Even for me, it feels a little like that. There was “that fake guy” before, and now there’s ME. But I’ve always been a woman.
–hi! im really early in my transition (2mo), and coming out over and over again is so intimidating. what is something that helped you when you were first starting to come out to the world around you? also love your content, it has been very helpful in finding words for a lot of things <3–
Aw yay, I’m so glad! That’s why I do these. So yes, coming out is tough because you very much do have to come out again and again and again to everyone who ever knew you under your deadname and who you still talk to or have any kind of relationship with going forward.
There’s your friends and family, sure, but also your doctors and the insurance company and the DMV and the bank and literally ANY company where you want them to change your name on your account. And these people are strangers! And you have to do it So. Many. Times.
Hi AppleTV+, I’m trans! Hi concert tickets I bought last year and are in my old name, I’m trans! Hi oil change guy, I’m trans! It’s so exhausting. Not to mention it can potentially be dangerous as you never know how they’re going to respond.
My suggestion is to not do it all at once, maybe don’t even do more than one at a time. It takes so much energy because you never, ever know if you’re going to be met with hostility or bigotry just for asking for a name change on your cell phone carrier or something.
Space them out. One a week maybe (or at an interval you feel not too stressed out by). Make a list of EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE you need to come out to and prioritize the most important at the top. Go one by one and work your way down. Be patient and kind with yourself! It’s hard!
–This is probably a generic question but, what do you think are good litmus tests for someone who’s trying to figure out if they’re trans or not?–
I think the best way is honestly to put on clothes from the gender you think you might be and pay super close attention to how you FEEL. Go back to your old clothes. How do you feel now? Do it multiple times, on different days. Do a full emotional inventory each time.
There’s a lot more to it, but that’s one good way. Although keep in mind it’s possible you may just be a cis man who likes to wear women’s clothes, or vice versa, and that’s fine! But if it gives you gender euphoria, that’s a pretty clear indicator. But there are also other ways.
If you could take a pill today that would make you the gender you think you might be, and everyone in your life will also have always thought you were that gender and always had been, would you do it? Yes? Hey, I have news for you: you’re trans!
I just can’t believe this keeps coming up somehow (it’s almost like I’ve done a lot of these!?), but I also did a Trans Tuesday specifically about this which may help you further! If you read it and have more questions, please feel free to ask! See HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS?
–How do you tell what gender you are? Anyone can be whatever, so it seems a lot harder to pick a gender than the more concrete stuff, like pronouns and presentation–
First, I’d like to say that “anyone can be whatever” reads as a little dismissive, so try to be careful about your wording. But yes, congratulations on discovering that knowing your own gender is the most difficult part of the process!
Though I also think deciding upon your presentation isn’t as easy as you think. There are a million different ways people of any gender can present, and even two years into my transition I’m still figuring that out (future Trans Tuesday coming on that topic).
But also nobody “picks” a gender in the sense that it’s not really an active choice. Except maybe for some gender-fluid folks? But they can speak to that better than I… though I presume even that’s less about “picking” and more about how they feel at a given time.
Your gender just who you ARE, like straight or gay or red-headed or left-handed. But it’s all internal, so it’s harder to spot. See my answer to the previous question and read my thread on How To Know If You’re Trans and that may help you.
Mostly you have to just be open and honest with yourself, and have the guts to experiment and try different genders on, so to speak, and you should be able to find the one (or more! Or none!) that fits. You may find you’re cis! Or trans! Or non-binary! Or gender-fluid! Or agender!
–What’s the most important thing to remember when starting my transition?–
Be kind and patient with yourself, and know there’s no one “right” way to transition. You can do as much or as little social or medical transition as you want. No amount will make you any more or any less trans.
There’s no such thing as being “trans enough” to transition or to become your true self. You’re trans if you say you are, and you have to do whatever is right for YOU and not anyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And it is NEVER too late.
Thank you for being part of Trans Tuesdays, whether you reply or just read them. I do them for you, for ALL of you, and thank you for coming with me on this journey. Are there 100 more to come? Let’s find out together. Rock on, my friends.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com