Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about a question a lot of people ask, though usually not directed specifically at me (but sometimes it has been!). It’s that age old question: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS?
I want to caution you, even more than normal, that *I* can’t tell you if you’re trans. Nobody can do that except for you. I can also only talk about my own experience, but maybe you’ll find something in there that you identify with.
I also want to caution that if you identify with any one (or even half a dozen) of these things, it still might not mean you’re transgender. It’s all part of a greater whole, and any one thing is probably not a signifier on its own.
I debated doing this thread for a while, because again there’s no easy way I can answer someone asking me “am I trans?” But I’ll tell you what tipped the scales in favor of giving this a shot.
I’ve been told by a lot of cisgender folks that my threads (this is number 57!) have helped them better understand what it’s like to be trans in this world, and I truly think that’s wonderful. Hopefully it helps you better relate to the trans people in your life.
Even better is I’ve been told by a number of trans folks, both men and women, that many of my posts have resonated with them and spoke in some way to their experience as well, and that means so much to me.
But the best (THE. BEST.) part is that I’ve been told by a few people that my posts have helped them understand their own gender, or their questions about gender, or even helped crack their egg.
SIDEBAR: “Eggs” are trans folks who don’t know they’re trans yet, and the egg “cracking” is when they realize they are, in fact, transgender. I don’t know who came up with that or when, but the metaphor works on a number of levels.
In any case, the fact that these threads have helped those folks better understand themselves or their feelings or what they’re going through is truly the most amazing thing. It can be so tumultuous and confusing, and if I can help someone through that in any way, well 🥰
When I started hearing that my posts had affected people in that way, I figured talking more about all the signs I saw in myself might be of further benefit to people out there who are questioning. So let’s take a look!
As a kid, I always wanted to hang with the girls. I wasn’t really allowed to, but I always felt like… that made more sense. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t also draw hearts and tie a bow in someone’s hair or like flowers.
Now again, thinking those things are only for girls is patently absurd, as discussed in my post on THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.
I’m going to stop saying “of course liking X doesn’t mean you’re a girl” now, because otherwise I’ll be repeating it with every example I give you. Just know it applies to basically everything I’m going to mention.
I’ve spoken several times about the barrette I found in the street when walking home from school, and how I saved it and would put it in my hair anytime I was home alone.
I never, ever liked boy clothes. I felt uncomfortable in them ALL THE TIME, even if they were otherwise comfortable. See the trans tuesday on CLOTHES and how very gendered they are.
I would watch girls in school (or later, women out in the world) and wonder what it would be like to BE her. How different life would be, what would change, how much better everything would be.
Any time I could get away with anything remotely feminine, I would glom onto it like a lifeline. I think I told the story before how I would take bows from Christmas packages and put them in my hair to “make people laugh.” Ha ha, so funny!
I got very confused when I started dating, which I mentioned in the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.
It was so strange to be attracted to a woman, and want to, y’know kiss ‘em and stuff, but also want to just be around them because that was as close as I could get to femininity in any socially “acceptable” way.
I remember once in school hearing some kid talk about photos of an intersex person they saw, and I was fascinated. It was the first I’d heard of anyone like that existing. I thought… maybe that’s what I am! (I’m not. Not remotely.)
But it was SOMETHING outside the societal cisgender norm and I was so desperately looking for answers.
In the shower as a teen, I would sometimes tuck my junk back between my legs (not in any kind of “official” tuck, because I had no idea what that was), and I’d bend backward as far as I could, then look down at my body.
For more on TUCKING AND BINDING, see its trans tuesday.
Anyway, in so doing, all I could see was the top of my chest. I had no pectorals to speak of, and yet it kiiiiiiiind of looked like maybe I had breasts, and couldn’t see any part of my body below them “just like if I were a woman!,” and it made me happy.
Despite all that, I was TERRIFIED of trying on women’s clothes, or makeup, or growing my hair out. Because subconsciously I knew I’d like it, and if I CONSCIOUSLY knew I liked it, I would have to deal with SHIT I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.
Here’s where I talked a bit about makeup and hair dye in THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (and Halloween).
I hated seeing PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS of myself, always, because they never ever looked like ME. Though I don’t think I could have told you that was why I hated them at the time. I just knew they made me feel uncomfortable.
I remember as a kid reading about a lady having gender confirmation surgery, and my mind exploded, because I didn’t know that was a thing you could do. She lived in San Francisco, that awful liberal hotbed that would allow anything because it was populated with bad people!
Conservative parents in the midwest do a number on you, folks. I thought to myself, well, I could NEVER do that because of how my parents and friends and everyone I knew would react.
…so I’d have to just run away to Frisco where that was accepted, get the surgery, change my name, and leave my entire old life behind. Yep, that’s how I’d do it.
Later on, when I learned more, I’d think that transitioning was something I could never actually do. I would never have the guts to tell people, or to face my friends and family, or the world. Besides, everyone would just see me as a “man in a dress.”
BUT- but if there was a pill I could take, that would just turn me into a cis woman, I mean yeah sure I’d take it. Wouldn’t it be cool to see what that was like?!
Uhhhh then I’d just take a pill to turn back into my old self, yeah, of course! Ha ha. 👀
When Susan and I got married, I was so mad (SO BIG MAD) I had to wear a tux, but she got to wear a dress. Not that I would wear a dress! Oh no, uh, no. I’ll just… get married in jeans and a t-shirt? No? Yeah okay I’ll put on the tux that makes me want to cry, it’s fine.
As a kid I LOVED role-playing games (still do). I would play a girl/woman ANY CHANCE I GOT. Often my gaming group was entirely boys. “Well, we need ‘the girl’ member of the team, every team needs one and only one (movies and tv tell us so), so I’ll take one for the team.”
Same with video games, WELL into adulthood. If you can play as a woman, that is literally the only option for me. I would never ever ever ever ever ever willingly play a man.
Through all of this, through ALL of it, every one of these thoughts would be followed up with “I’m still cis though.” If not in those exact words, before I knew was “cis” was, then in spirit.
“Still cis though” is so common it’s actually a meme that perpetuates through online trans spaces for a reason, it’s something… a LOT of us did when we were eggs. Have a few examples.
One key signifier for a lot of people is recognizing GENDER DYSPHORIA in themselves.
But you don’t need to have gender dysphoria to be trans, despite how common it is among trans folks. I think the best signifier is actually the very thing I talked about in the essay on GENDER EUPHORIA.
If you’re a cis man, and you put on a dress and you feel an intense wave of happiness washing over you… well I dunno what to tell you, cis folks don’t feel that way. Again, that alone doesn’t mean you’re a trans woman. Maybe you’re non-binary and love dresses!
The point is you’ve probably got to try these things if you want to find out for sure, and that requires two things.
GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO EXPLORE GENDER.
And TRANS COURAGE.
Be brave. Be bold. Stare fear in the eye and refuse to blink. Experiment. Listen to what your head and your heart tell you when you do. And if you ever have questions, or just need an ear, my DMs are always open. You can do it! I believe in you!
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com