Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something I suspect every trans person has to deal with in at least some aspect of their lives: being THE ONLY TRANS PERSON YOU KNOW.
I’ve talked many times about the size of the transgender population in terms of percentages, but everyone’s new to these at some point so it’s worth mentioning again. Because it’s incredibly relevant to this discussion.
Reports vary based on where you get your information, but some estimates put the transgender population (counting everyone who is not cisgender) at around 5% of the population.
But based on that article, those are self-reporting trans people. And there are trans people who are not out publicly as trans, for whatever reason, and they’re unlikely to tell someone on a survey that they’re trans and out themselves.
Also, with the extreme onslaught of legislation against trans rights, even trans people who are out might not want to give their information to a survey that’s collecting data on us. It’s fairly self-explanatory how dangerous that could be for a population under attack.
But I want to point out that even if both of those things weren’t the case, even if every trans person COULD be out and had no (justified) fears about giving their information to companies or the government…
It still simply could NOT POSSIBLY account for all the trans people in this country. It CAN’T. Because not every trans person knows they’re trans, and until they figure it out everyone (themselves included) might think they’re cisgender. I was one of those myself!
Every trans person discovers their transness on their own timeline, and it depends on a wide variety of factors including home life, friends and family, societal pressure, religious pressure, economic pressure, and a whole lot more.
So keep in mind that whatever the true number is, the percentage of the population that we make up is unquestionably larger than any reported numbers.
In fact, until we get to a freely open and accepting society where it doesn’t take unending courage and bravery for EVERY trans person to come out… we’re never going to know, are we?
But what we CAN take away is that, even with our percentage of the population being larger than reported, we’re still a pretty small part of it.
I’ve talked many times about how we’re SUCH a small part of the population that we can’t affect political change on our own, which is why we need our cis allies to stand up for us, loudly and publicly. And to realize that with every vote they cast, our rights are on the line.
See the trans tuesday on TRANS POLITICS for more on that, because since one major political party has made stripping trans rights a major part of their platform (even though it universally loses them elections!), this is going to hold true in EVERY election.
My point is that, being such a small part of the population, for a LOT OF US we end up being the only trans person someone knows. Often the only trans person MANY people know. We’re “the trans friend,” and that can lead to a whole host of weirdness.
I’ve had old friends from high school that I’ve not talked to since graduation come out of the woodwork to say “oh hey I saw you were trans and X person just came out as trans in my life and what should I do to support them?”
I’ve had people who’ve literally never interacted with a trans person in their entire life walk on eggshells around me like I’m some kind of delicate political problem just waiting to explode on them for saying something wrong.
Every time there’s a trans person in the news, or a story about horrible trans legislation, or a transphobic op-ed, or a trans-related Kickstarter, or a show with a trans person in one episode, I get DMs and emails about it.
I’m… well, I’m very white, so I don’t know if people from other marginalized communities have to deal with this.
And I want to be clear I’m not mad at the people who do this, and I’m often actually touched that they thought of me. But getting “look at this horrible transphobic article” or “is this as transphobic as I think it is?” all the time from lots of people is very unpleasant!
I DO want to know about trans Kickstarters and if a show has a trans character, but you also don’t need to ping me every single time something related to trans people pops up, you know?
I’ve had people I don’t even know reach out to me, as the only trans person they know online, and ask me all kinds of personal questions in an effort to better understand trans people in general, or a trans person in their life.
And this isn’t something any trans person should have to deal with. It’s hard enough just trying to exist and survive in this world, thanks to so many bigots in our government (and in our fellow citizens). We just want to be left alone to live our lives.
BUT again I’m not mad that any of these people asked me these things, in fact I actually feel an obligation to answer and help as best I can. It’s the very reason I started trans tuesdays in the first place. See the trans tuesday on WHY I DO TRANS TUESDAYS.
For lack of a better term, I feel OBLIGATED to provide any and all help and knowledge I can. Because I’m privileged in so many ways that so many trans people, especially trans women, aren’t.
I do this for other trans people, and for the cis people in their lives. For cis people who have no trans people in their lives but who want to learn, to understand, and hopefully to help. And thus trans tuesdays, and a podcast, and a Matrix trans allegory book.
And so it feels to NOT provide that assistance, to NOT be that sounding board or source of transgender information, is doing a disservice to the trans people in those cis people’s lives.
And I’d rather these folks came to me than bother the trans people in their lives with these questions, because honestly you just have no idea how often it happens. It’s all the time. It never stops.
Which is another reason I do trans tuesdays… so that when someone asks me something I’ve covered, I can just point them to certain essays and not have to repeat myself ten thousand times. As a reminder, they’re all at tillystranstuesdays.com!
And again, I am happy to do it. If you’re someone who’s asked me stuff like this in the past, please don’t feel bad about it. I’m glad you did, and I hope I helped.
But I also can’t deny that no trans person should HAVE to do this. It gets to the point where it feels like I’m justifying our existence to cis people over and over again, even though nobody has yet actually asked me to justify that.
Other than the cis gatekeepers of my trans-related healthcare, anyway. See the trans tuesday on TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM.
I’m not sure if this is something that’s ever occurred to a lot of cis folks, though. Remember, if a trans person in your life is the only trans person you know, they are likely also the only trans person a LOT of people in their life know.
So realize that your burning questions and curiosity can add to a chorus that can make us feel a little like a carnival sideshow. We’re people, not curiosities to be gawked at.
BUT! It’s okay… nay! IT IS GOOD, in fact, that you want to understand us and know more about us. Just please please realize not every trans person is, wants to be, or can be your one stop transgender info shop (or shoppe, if you’re in the UK, I don’t discriminate).
I’m more privileged than a lot of trans people, and I try to use that every day to make things better for my less privileged trans siblings. These essays, answering your emails and DMs and questions, providing resources, are all part of that.
But please also realize you are… on the internet. And there is a wealth of info out there. And yes some of it is conflicting, and some of it is wrong and harmful. But that’s true of any information you’re trying to find out here in our smoldering digital wasteland, right?
I’m not going to do a thread on critical thinking and how to verify the sources you’re getting your info from, that’s your job as part of being an intelligent, well-informed citizen. But I WILL say if a news source has zero trans reporters on staff, you maybe shouldn’t trust ‘em on trans issues.
Just remember that you have a wealth of information at your fingertips, and to please use that before you go to the only trans person you know and pepper them with questions they’ve probably gotten ten thousand times before.
All of my trans tuesdays are archived at tillystranstuesdays.com, there’s well over a hundred of them and they’re all FREE. And there are many other resources out there, provided by trans people, where you can learn so much.
Please understand the effect that can have on someone. These aren’t even questions about our hobbies or career, but queries about the very identity of who we are. Please please please see us, and treat us, as human beings first and foremost.
Use the resources available to you on the internet. Read and share and link to my essays. Contact ME before you contact the only trans person you know, because I’ve decided to put myself in this position due to my privilege, and they likely did not. I CHOSE to do this.
And above all, as in all things, please lead with compassion… the same compassion you’d want shown to you.
You deserve to be treated with kindness. And so do we.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com