Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about a specific thing (literally, a thing) that helped me figure out I was trans: MY WATCH. Though more broadly what we’re really talking about is GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO EXPLORE GENDER.
Righto, so… how the heck does a watch help you figure out you’re trans? Excellent question, and one I’ve asked myself multiple times. To start, we have to go back to how I feel about watches in general.
As a kid, I only wore watches if I was out with friends or roaming the neighborhood and had to be back home by a certain time.
I’d be out doing all kinds of things that, looking back, were horribly dangerous even if I didn’t know that at the time. One of those things I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on TRANS COURAGE.
I was terrified of breaking rules and getting in trouble, but that meant I was always finding loopholes and ways to push the line as far as I could. That doesn’t relate to watches any, I just want you to understand it’s not like I was a little miscreant.
But as a kid watches are kind of cool, right? You can get a Superman one or whatever. For a while I had one with a Yoda hologram on the face! Fun fact: I got that watch by betting my step-dad the Bulls would win their third straight championship. He thought it’d never happen.
Guess I showed him! I can’t actually find it now, and have no idea what happened to it. I have almost nothing in terms of physical items from my childhood though, so I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise. Thankfully the internet knows all.
A black watch with a hologram of Yoda on the face
But eventually you grow up and the world says you can’t have things like that anymore. Which, of course, is bullshit. But I talked about how long it took me to even realize I could say screw you, I can I can like sci-fi AND sports, in the Trans Tuesday on THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.
I never liked “normal” men’s watches. Not even the cool ones. Well, let me rephrase. I thought some of them were actually remarkably cool, but I never ever wanted to wear one. It’s only now, looking back, I realize that’s because it was a thing for MEN.
Comparable women’s watches I would have loved to get, but wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing so because in our stupid society even WATCHES are GENDERED and how awful is that?
The answer you’re looking for is “very.”
I did have one men’s watch. On our honeymoon to Disney World (uh, we are nerds, you probably noticed) Susan and I got a matching set. I was able to tolerate this internally because Susan had a (smaller, women’s) matching one, and they had Mickey on them.
So in my head, all of that mitigated its “manliness” somewhat, even though it had a really big face and a metal link band and was incredibly heavy, all of which bothered me a lot. Also men can like and wear watches with cartoon characters on them, normalize that already.
So even though I had some wonderful memories associated with it, I still never loved it. Once we got our first smartphones, that was enough to push it off my arm forever.
I can’t find that one to show you a photo now either (way to prepare for this post, excellent job, Tills), and unfortunately googling for “Mickey Mouse watch” isn’t exactly helpful. But the smartphone was the end of my wearing it, and I never looked back.
I believed this was because I always had the time on my phone, right in my pocket, what did I need a watch for? Of course reducing it down to its most utilitarian function isn’t the only reason to get a watch, but it’s what I told myself.
Because all the watches I would have liked to have actually worn were women’s watches, and that made me uncomfortable for reasons I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (Halloween).
But also it wouldn’t have been socially acceptable for me to wear a women’s watch, living in the midwest and appearing to be a cisgender man… and again, screw that noise, but it definitely affected me at the time.
I spent a very long time with just a smartphone, never even thinking about watches at all, other than my self-satisfied, smug “WHO needs a watch anymore?” Ha. Girl, you were so dense.
So a few years back, in the process of catching up on movies we’d missed, we gave Terminator: Genisys a shot. (This post is not about the merits or faults of said movie, so take those somewhere else)
And we’re innocently watching this movie, when suddenly I’m hit like a ton of bricks by Sarah Connor. Why? On the poster and in the movie itself… she has a black leather cuff watch.
A Terminator: Genisys poster showing Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor. On her left wrist is a black leather cuff watch.
If you can’t quite spot it there, here’s a better look at it. She wears it through most of the movie.
A closeup of the black leather cuff watch from Terminator: Genisys laid flat.
I actually tried to find that exact watch at first, because I loved it so much. And I did… but it was that EXACT watch. From the movie! In a prop auction. I think it went for over a grand, so now you know why I do not have that watch.
Now MY black leather cuff watch isn’t in any way meant as an homage to Sarah Connor, though I do love the character. But that’s not what struck me about it at all. Here was a woman, wearing a watch that didn’t necessarily LOOK like the “typical” gendered women’s watch.
And nobody commented on it, nobody said anything about it at all. In the movie or otherwise. It was just accepted, because it’s a tiny costuming detail and most people probably didn’t even notice. But I sure did.
You also have to understand at this time I was already knee-deep in thinking I was trans and trying to figure it out, so all the confusion and emotions were constantly swirling in my head.
And it occurred to me that I could get a watch like that, and it wouldn’t TECHNICALLY be a women’s watch… but it also wasn’t TECHNICALLY a men’s watch. It was a gender-neutral BADASS WATCH.
I had to have it. I HAD TO. It meant… a ton, and though I didn’t know why at the time, I do now. Because it was giving myself permission to start exploring that side of myself, VISIBLY. PUBLICLY. Even if nobody else knew what it meant.
Which is how the topic comes back around to PERMISSION, because this was one of the first ways I let myself really start to explore who I really was inside. It was a safe way for me to say… maybe I AM transgender, and maybe that’s okay. Let’s find out.
It was Susan who found the good folks at Rockstar Leatherworks when I was having difficulty finding a watch that I liked. She’s super, super great at internet research. Get yourself a Susan, I highly recommend it! (but get your OWN Susan, this one’s mine )
It’s a small company, might be just one guy doing it all himself. They’ve got great customer service and I couldn’t be happier with it, honestly. I love it, I love seeing it on my arm, I even love snapping it on and off. I’m weird.
It doesn’t fit as well as it used to. Leather loosens a bit over time. And I got it before I really committed to all of my running, which I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING.
Incidentally, getting and wearing and being comfortable with and loving the watch is what led directly to getting the women’s running hoodie I mentioned in that Body Hacking post. Incremental baby steps got me through.
Anyway, as I fully committed to my regular runs, I dropped about fifty pounds, getting me away from that dad bod that bugged me so much. But that also contributed to how loose the watch is on my arm now.
I don’t think I’d pick the same design for my watch if I were to design another one now, to get one that fits better, but I can’t really afford to replace it anyway so it’s not something I’ve really explored.
But that’s okay. I’m so, so happy with it and grateful to have it. I love it with all my heart, because it’s a piece of the key that helped me unlock my true self. And that makes it priceless.
Give yourself permission to explore your own self expression, even if you have to do it in incremental baby steps. Find that truer you.
There’s nothing better than becoming that person with the entirety of your heart.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com