COMING OUT AS TRANS

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! National Coming Out Day is approaching, so let’s get into what can be a difficult and complicated issue for so many of us: COMING OUT AS TRANS.

When people hear the words “coming out,” I think so many default to seeing it as a celebration, a joyous occasion, a party. And it definitely can be those things, but it’s also much more complicated than that.

And I want to be sure you realize right up front that while all queer people who choose to come out as their true selves share similarities, it’s very different for trans folks than it is for other varieties of queer people. Especially right now, in this political climate we’re in.

I didn’t have the word to describe my transness for most of my life, or a childhood where I could have come out and lived as my true self, but if I had had those things, I definitely could have come out at a really young age.

But in the real world that didn’t happen, and I finally realized and accepted the truth that I was trans in 2014. As I’ve mentioned many times in these essays, I had a hard date I knew I could not transition until, in 2020. It’s personal, and unless we are good friends I’m just not going to tell you for reasons that are my own. But it was nothing nefarious, no person was terrible to me about it and forced me to wait.

Those six years were some of the hardest in my entire life, doing what little I could to start my transition in “socially acceptable” ways (see BODY HACKING for more).

And I remember when a certain person was elected in 2016 thinking… well shit, how the hell do I come out in 2020 now, when he’ll still be president? And he and his administration are so horribly transphobic? 

Given where we’re at now in 2025, with him back in office and the onslaught of anti-trans laws ramping up even higher than his first term… I look back at the me of 2016 and feel like yeah, she was right, but she had no idea how bad it was really going to get.

But as the time when I could fully begin my social and medical transition drew nearer, I knew I couldn’t not transition. I also knew I couldn’t not come out. I’d spent a lifetime hiding and suppressing who I really was, and the pain of that was so great that I couldn’t bear it a second longer than I had to. Even knowing the extra danger it would put me in, given the way anti-trans rhetoric was ramping up.

Just after midnight on January 1, 2020, I “came out” to my wife Susan. And that’s not really true, because she’d known about (and helped me deal with!) my feelings that I was trans all along. We have superb communication and tell each other everything, I highly recommend it.

But that was when I told her I felt like had to transition, for sure. I felt like I was drowning (see GENDER DYSPHORIA), and told her so. And even then, BOYMODING was hurting me more and more every day, and would only get worse and worse, until I finally stopped doing it altogether.

In early March of that year, I went to a Hollywood makeup artist who did makeovers for trans women, and it changed everything. This social media post I made that day shows up in multiple Trans Tuesdays, because it was such a monumental shift in my life. (Do not let the avatar or username on the post fool you, at the time I looked nothing like that and my handle was still my deadname, but I grabbed this screenshot of it a couple years after coming out).

That was the first time I ever caught a glimpse of the real me in a mirror. It wasn’t even close to the real me, mind you. I have photos from that day. A lot of them. I can’t really stand to look at them, they’re perhaps the most dysphoria-inducing photos I have.

Because it’s that guy who was never me, but with the tiniest, most infinitesimal bits of the real me, buried under so much pain. But it was enough. It was enough to know I had to do it, for real. I was one hundred percent going to transition.

We were in the tail end of a certain cretin’s first term as president, and I had no idea if he’d be elected again. I had no idea how the next years would play out. 

I wouldn’t let that stop me.

Covid hit, and things were so bad, and I had no idea what the world would be going forward. See A PANDEMIC TRANSITION for more.

I wouldn’t let that stop me.

See TRANS MOTIVATION for more on the ways the need to be our true selves can drive us to do things we never thought we could.

On July 7, 2020, I came out to the world (I’d come out to close friends and family throughout the week prior). And yes, that was a Tuesday. I’d already planned to do Trans Tuesdays from the start (see WHAT IS TRANS TUESDAY? for more on how it’s inextricably linked to my transition and my coming out).

This has never been posted to this site in the entire time I’ve been doing Trans Tuesdays, but here’s what I said to the world on that day:

So! Doing this in the time of covid was… something. I dunno what your pandemic project of choice was, but maybe not like mine. I’m still married to Susan. But as you won’t recognize the handle change, you knew me as [deadname]. Hi! I’m transgender, and my name is Tilly. 🙂

There’s so much I want to say. So much I have to say. Rejecting the white male society saw me as, and told me I was, means giving up so much of my privilege. Believe me, I know. But I’m still white. I’m 6’2”. I’m not ripped, but I have obvious musculature.

And I live in a safe neighborhood, in the most liberal and accepting state in the country. The amazing friends in my life I’ve already told have been nothing but kind, compassionate, and supportive of me. Every single one of them!

I still have so much more privilege than many trans people, especially trans women of color, especially Black trans women. No trans person, no trans woman, owes the world any more information than they want to provide.

They’re hesitant to be open about things, and for good goddamned reason. But I’m going to use my privilege. I’m going to be as open and honest as I can. I’ll be making weekly posts with #TransTuesday to talk about transitioning…

To talk about things in society you might not notice if you’re not transitioning yourself. I don’t claim to speak for all trans people, and certainly not even all white trans women. All I can offer are my own thoughts and experiences.

But I hope I can increase understanding, at least a little bit. If it helps one other trans person in any way, or if it helps one other person understand someone in their life who’s transitioning, it’ll be worth it. I want to help. If I can.

And I’d like to take a second to mention some people who’ve helped me, many who maybe didn’t even realize it. I’m terrified I’m going to forget people, but there are people I absolutely have to thank.

To the trans ladies who inspired me with their courage and heart, you made me feel as though I could be me. Lilah Sturges, Magdalene Visaggio, Jamie Clayton, Nicole Maines, Dana Levinson, Laverne Cox, Kristine Chester and Lana and Lilly Wachowski.

To the writers/producers who made me feel that my being trans would never exclude Susan and me from working in the industry we love, your visible support of trans people made me feel like this wasn’t career suicide:

Jon Rogers, Jennifer Court, Geoff Thorne, Tze Chun, Amy Berg, Bo Yeon Kim, Javi Grillo-Marxuach, Jeff Lieber, David Slack, Jose Molina.

To animation writer/producers, and comics editors and publishers, whose visible support made me feel like being trans would never exclude us from being hired: Mairghread Scott, Ellen Tremiti Waltke, Aaron Waltke, Dafna Pleban, Heather Antos, Andrea Shea, Barbra Dillon, Bryant Dillon, Damian Wassel.

There were so, so many things that went into me figuring this out, which I’ll go into over time with #TransTuesday, but one very real corollary fear was if discrimination would prevent Susan and me from being writers. It’s what we want most (and are pretty fucking good at tbh).

Your support matters. All of my friends and their private support, and all the people mentioned in this thread helped me believe it was okay to be me in this world. Please keep supporting LGBTQ+ folks. You have no idea the lives you’re changing. It honestly means the world.

Look how long this thread is. See? I’m still me. 🙂 Anyway, right, yeah, okay, I think I’m done? Who knows. IT’S ALL A PROCESS OKAY? Come along on the journey with me. Maybe we’ll all learn something.

Oh, and if you’re looking for writers of kickass hopeful sci-fi with blue sky imagination, from what might be the only married cis woman/trans woman writing team around (are there others? Tell us! I want to know them!!), Susan and I would love to talk to you. 💜

Tilly Bridges, end transmission. (I didn’t plan to end my coming out this way, it just happened as I wrote it, and I liked it so much it stuck)

I tagged as many people mentioned in that post as had accounts, and then this happened:

Lilly and I have talked several times since then, by the way. She’s one of the loveliest, kindest people on the planet. She even gave us this lovely blurb when we were crowdfunding our short film, Long Away! (you can learn more about that film in the essay on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU (aka my dad).)

When your heroes turn out to be wonderful people? Yeah that’s the best thing ever.

And I regret to inform you that you don’t just come out once. As I mentioned, I came out privately to some family and friends before I came out publicly. But then I also had to come out to the DMV, and the bank, and our AAA car service, and our auto insurance, and and and and and. There’s a million services and websites you need to change your name on, and for some of those you can’t do it without contacting someone at the company, and having to come out to them, too, just to get them to change your name in their system. It’s a long and exhausting process. I had to take them one or two at a time, so I didn’t get overwhelmed. But I did it.

For more on how wrong that can go, see DISCRIMINATORY BUREAUCRACY, and for more on how right it can go, see INCLUSIVE BUREAUCRACY.

I’ve also said this a million times, and aha, now I have an essay to point to when I say it again: coming out and being ourselves, showing our joy living as our true selves, inspires others to do it too. I thanked the trans ladies who inspired me. Others who came before inspired them. I’ve inspired others since I came out (I’m not self-aggrandizing, people have directly told me… especially due to these essays and Begin Transmission).

So if we can come out, if it’s safe for us to do so, it’s vital, not just for us, but for every trans and nonbinary person down the line who will see us and believe they can do it too.

This is one of the key questions Matrix Reloaded explores in its trans allegory. If we knew how truly difficult cis people would make our lives when we come out, would we still come out and transition? And the answer is yes, but why? Why?

We do it for ourselves, because we deserve to live authentic and happy lives. But just as important is that we do it for them, for those who come after. For the one person who sees us smiling and joyous and thinks they can do it, too. We can save ourselves, and we can save each other (look, just read Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix already, willya? Ok thx).

But then it’s not that easy, is it? Because for so many of us it’s not safe to come out, due to geographic location, political and legislative and physical violence, the possibility we’ll lose our homes and jobs (which happens a lot, see THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY REPORT part 4 for more).

Even when we know, even when we know, people will accept us… there’s still a chance they won’t. I was terrified the first time I told my wife Susan I thought I might be trans. I was terrified on January 1, 2020, when I told her I felt like I had to transition to survive. I was terrified after my makeover when I told her I knew I was going to transition for sure.

She’s been nothing but wonderful, loving, and supportive the entire way! She’s never been bigoted or hateful towards anyone, including trans people.

But so many times, for so many of us, even those with spouses or family who are entirely supportive of trans people, we see that “entirely supportive” isn’t true as soon as it’s someone in their lives. Suddenly they’d have to be seen with us and that changes how they’re seen, and now they absolutely cannot have that (guess what, friends? That’s transphobia. See CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT for more).

Suddenly their CIS GRIEF is more important than us no longer living a torturous lie and being in pain for our entire lives.

AND THAT IS BULLSHIT.

None of us should have to deal with that! But the reality is that we do.

And that makes coming out an incredibly complex and difficult thing.

Despite the fact that in my coming out post I said all my friends and family accepted me without question, that’s not entirely true.

After that post, I had some people who I thought were friends get mad that I didn’t tell them privately. They were upset that they had to find out with the rest of the world.

My mother in law has been especially terrible since that post, and was routinely deadnaming and misgendering me, to the point where even our kid stood up to her and told her to stop it. Now she just doesn’t mention me at all, it’s like I died, or never existed. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse, but either way it’s terrible.

But nobody gets to tell you how to come out! Nobody gets to tell you when to come out, or if you have to come out at all.

I believe in the depths of my heart that we owe it to ourselves, and to each other, to be out and living as our true selves… but only if it is safe and the right time for us to do so. The sad reality is that, for some people, it will never be safe or the right time due to outside factors in their lives.

We should not be angry at those people. Imagine how difficult that must be, and the suffering they’re going through. I know several people stuck in that situation, who can only be themselves online or anonymously. I know the pain they’re in.

So let me wrap it up with this:

I want all of us to be able to come out and be our true selves. I want you to be able to come out and be your true self. I hope with my whole being that you’re able to, when the time is right and it’s safe for you to do so. Whenever that may be.

If you can’t come out, I see you. You are no less trans. You’re trans if you say you are (see YES YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH), whether you can come out or not. Whether you can or want to transition or not.

Nobody gets to tell you how, when, or if you should come out. It’s all up to you, and that’s how it should be.

And I hope, I hope, I hope with everything I am, that one day soon you’ll get to join us in the sun.

When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you with open arms.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com