Welcome to Trans Tuesday! In a lot of these I talk about things that are rough, or upsetting, or downright awful, because so much of our society is set up to treat trans people that way. But I also like to talk about the good stuff, so let’s discuss: INCLUSIVE BUREAUCRACY.
That is an exceptionally weird thing to call it, and probably doesn’t sound all that interesting, but stick with me because there’s something very important going on here! I wouldn’t lie to you! I’m good and cool.
Also! This is very much a companion piece to DISCRIMINATORY BUREAUCRACY, so be sure you’re aware of how rough things can be for us when parts of our society simply do not account for the fact that we exist… even when they’re the ones providing our transition care!
Getting your name and gender updated everywhere, in every facet of life where it needs to be, is… a lot. It’s a lengthy and time consuming process. It’s all kinds of things you maybe never even considered if you’ve never changed your name.
I talked about that a bit in LEGAL NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE.
Of course I don’t want to see my deadname or be listed as the wrong gender anywhere, but there’s so much there’s just no way I could do it all at once. If you need more on the ways our NAMES AND PRONOUNS affect us, read up.
If you’ve read DISCRIMINATORY BUREAUCRACY, you know what a frustrating, long process just getting this information changed in one place can be. And again, that was the very place providing my transition healthcare, and they still couldn’t handle it.
So you have to space these things out. Or I did, at least, because there’s only so much of that I can go through at once. I don’t have infinite energy, and I have a lot of other things to do (writing, being a wife and parent, more writing, did I mention writing, sometimes directing, and then still more writing).
But it’s not just that my to-do list is long. You have to understand how difficult it is to notify someone that your name and gender have changed, and you’d like that change reflected in whatever their service is.
In a lot of these cases you have to make phone calls (why? I have no idea), which makes it even worse because you call and give them your account number or whatever, and they address you by your deadname and they call you “sir.”
Then I have to tell them “I’m not a sir, I’m a woman and that’s no longer my name,” and when I was doing some of this my VOICE still wasn’t where I wanted it to be after a year and a half of voice therapy. So they thought they heard a man and got confused.
Also, y’know, there are too many bigots in this world, and did you know those bigots have jobs? And some of them are in customer service and administration at companies where you have to get this stuff changed.
There’s always a chance that in COMING OUT AS TRANS to this complete stranger, things are gonna get awful. And to have to face that over and over and over and over and over again… like I said, there’s only so much of it I can take at once.
So you do the most important stuff first and work your way through the list. Social Security, driver’s license, bank, credit card, birth certificate, health insurance, medical provider, passport all take precedence. Some went fairly smoothly, some were agonizing. You get through them as best you can.
But every time you have to work up the nerve, and brace yourself for the chance it could be awful, and have all the emotional energy it’ll take to deal with that. Each time you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop and have it entirely fuck up your day.
And so it can be such a welcome surprise when things… could not possibly go better. I want to talk about what happened in a couple of my experiences with this, and how great they were, because there’s enough bad in the world. We also need to celebrate the good.
Working my way down the list of stuff I still had to change my name and gender with, I got to our AAA membership. My first step with things like this was to look online for info on how to do it, because for the aforementioned reasons, the last thing I want to do is call.
My one snag with this was that I couldn’t find information, on the AAA SoCal site or anywhere else, on how to do this. There was no easy link or form, and what info I did find for other US locations said you had to call. But again, that’s the last resort.
So I logged into the AAA website and sent a message, just one sentence that said my name and gender have been legally changed and I would like to reflect this change on my AAA account.
This wasn’t a dedicated place for changing this info in their system or anything like that. It was just a general query to their customer support. I had zero hopes it would get me anywhere good, but it was worth a shot.
Here’s the email I got back two days later:
Uh… what? Could it actually be that easy? Four hours later I replied with a copy of the court order showing my legal name and gender marker change, said thanks, and off it went. And twenty minutes later another reply came in:
What what what? Twenty minutes from when I sent them legal proof of my change of name and gender, it was done. Done done. Not just changed in their system but oh my old name is still in the online account, and then I have to figure out how to get a replacement card.
They just took care of everything they knew I’d need, and again somehow did it in the span of twenty minutes. I was flabbergasted. This had never happened before.
Why it’s almost like they know trans people exist and have procedures in place to make updates to their accounts!
The other example is even easier to explain. We’ve had a Costco membership for a long time (Costco I love you, and I would like to marry your food court pizza, thank you and sorry to my wife Susan, I am not taking questions at this time.)
If you don’t have a membership and aren’t aware, there’s a photo of you that accompanies your account, and is printed on your card along with your name. They don’t have an online system where you can change those things, or at least they didn’t six years ago, so I knew I’d have to go in person.
We’re there every week buying groceries, not a huge deal. So I go up to the customer service desk, Susan riding as my cis backup even though I’ve just said I want to marry a pizza, because she’s the best, and you never know how these things are gonna go.
Costco has been great but individuals are individuals, and some are bigots. And honestly I had no idea what Costo’s policy on changing stuff like this was. It’s so helpful to have a trusted cis person with you who can stand up for you if things get bad, because cis people will always be listened to and respected more than trans people will. Sad, but true.
Anyway, I walk up to the counter and one of the ladies working there asks if she can help me. I told her my legal name had changed and I wanted to update my card. She scanned my old card, pulled up our account… and asked me what my new name was. She updated it, took my new photo, handed me a new card (and destroyed the old one for me), and that was it.
She didn’t even ask why, because it was obviously clear when she saw the old photo compared to the very visibly-coded woman standing in front of her, especially when coupled with the name change. She just… did it. And wasn’t weird or awkward about it, or even uncomfortable. She just treated me like any other customer and handled it quickly and pleasantly, and I was so relieved.
This is as quick and easy as it should be! And all it takes is being aware that trans people not only exist, but we’re also your neighbors, your constituents, your fellow citizens, and your customers.
If everything were that easy and painless I could have updated everything across the board in the span of a week, rather than still slowly be working through everything nine months after everything was actually legally changed.
So thank you, to Karen W. and AAA, and to Costco, for the tremendous customer service and for making everything so quick and smooth.
Please, cis friends, be part of the change at your organization in making sure this stuff goes as easily for us as it can.
So few places make it easy on trans people.
In a world that is so often out to get us, these kinds of inclusive procedures matter.
Every little bit goes a long way in changing the way trans people are treated in our society.
And we need you to be part of that change.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com