Trans Life

TWO YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week and last week are big milestones for me. As of July 7 I’ve been out as myself for two years, and as of TODAY I’ve been on HRT for two years. So it’s time for a check-in with TWO YEARS OUT and TWO YEARS ON HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY.

For reference, you may want to first read my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN first to better understand the progression.

And if you need more info on HRT (hormone replacement therapy), I wrote about that in the linked trans tuesday.

Let’s start with a GENDER DYSPHORIA check-in.

This has been so huge for me. SO so huge. My dysphoria is… well it’s not GONE, it still pops up from time to time. But it’s… occasional? It’s rare! I did not think I would ever live to see the day when this was the truth, but there it is.

I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened to cause this, but still here I am. It’s amazing and beautiful and frankly… terribly unfair. There are trans people who’ve been on HRT decades and had multiple surgeries who don’t get to this point.

I don’t know why I got here and they didn’t. Dysphoria is bizarre and mysterious in that way (on top of being horrible and soul-crushing). As if I wasn’t already privileged enough, now this. I almost feel like I need to apologize for it. Why did this happen to me?

If you’re wondering about how I’m privileged, in ways many trans people are not, see the trans tuesday on PRIVILEGE (time and money).

I’ve searched for how I got here and I still don’t know. My deepest wish is for EVERY trans/non-binary person to get to this point, but I can’t point out a path to get here. Not only is it incredibly different for everyone, I don’t even know how *I* did it! It’s a mystery to me!

As I’ve mentioned many times before, the majority of my dysphoria has always revolved around my face. Facial hair, never seeing myself in mirrors/photos, all of it. Body hair is also bad, but we’ll get there in a minute.

So last year I was up to shaving my face every day and being in near constant pain from it, as I’d started shaving against the grain to get my face entirely smooth, and thus have the rest of the entire day where my face both looked and felt like mine.

I’m still doing that, but the pain is all but gone. There are still some sensitive spots that give me issues, but for the most part it’s okay. And having changed everything about the way I did it, and maintained that for a year, means the act of shaving no longer causes dysphoria.

But it takes me a good twenty minutes to do (if you think about how little surface area your face actually has, you’ll realize how long that really is). Do I resent having to spend that much time on it? SO MUCH. But it’s far better than the alternative.

I finally hit the arbitrary testosterone level our health insurance said I had to drop below before they’d authorize electrolysis. HOORAY! Except it happened right before the delta wave of COVID hit, and things here in LA have just been getting worse and worse.

As I live with someone who’s immunocompromised, I still cannot risk going somewhere to sit with my mask off for hours at a time, session after session after session, while every hair is finally zapped off my face for good. (the entire process takes many months)

I want to do that. I want it gone for good SO VERY BADLY. But I’m not going to put the life of someone I love at risk just so I can finally get rid of it. It’s hard to keep waiting. SO HARD TO KEEP WAITING. It’s the worst thing I’m dealing with right now, transition-wise.

For more on the unique difficulties of a PANDEMIC TRANSITION, see its trans tuesday.

The bonus of my T finally dropping much lower is that my body hair growth has actually slowed. Not nearly enough for my taste, but enough so that I no longer have to epilate. I shave everything once a week and that’s… okay.

The day before shaving is the hardest, when the hair’s the longest, even though it’s still not that long. But not having to spend that 45 minutes of intense pain from epilating every week is pretty nice. I did a trans tuesday on my struggles with BODY HAIR.

PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS check-in.

And its follow-up, a long time later when something suddenly changed for reasons unknown, PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.

I am so happy (and astonished and bewildered and entirely baffled) to tell you the absence of dysphoria in that very long streak in the second Photos thread has continued unabated. It just keeps happening. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT!

It’s so strange to know at the beginning of my transition I would (legit) take 200 photos to find ONE I could live with. A year ago that was down to finding one in 20. Now it’s finding one in… one. Honestly it’s just about picking which ones I like best, which is just unbelievable.

I mean there are still some I don’t like! But just in a… normal way? I’m not tossing them because of dysphoria, I’m tossing them for a weird shadow or a flyaway hair or any number of other totally normal reasons.

And sure, sometimes I don’t like the way I look in them, but they’re almost never for dysphoria reasons. They’re just not great photos in a “normal” way? I don’t know. More on this in a bit.

BODY HACKING check-in.

Still running four 5ks a week, up to 300 push-ups beforehand, also doing a bunch of reverse-crunches and side planks to work on my abs, and even extra bicep curls. My biceps are getting bigger, which is… nice. 😎
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1522607592387661824

I mean they look really good and I’m incredibly proud of them!
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1537858792401932289

My 5k times continue to rise. Last year I said I could still get to (or near) my pre-HRT average time, but it felt like it would kill me to do so. Now? It feels like it kills me to get to even a minute SLOWER than that. It’s just destroyed my ability to speedily do cardio of any kind.

This is part of why the whole TRANS SPORTS “controversy” is such complete and utter bullshit. If you missed it.

But let’s talk about those pictures of my bicep linked above. Because now I have a tattoo! And that’s because my body finally felt like MY body, which is something I didn’t even know I didn’t have or could ever get to (which is why it’s not mentioned in the one year check-in).

I did a trans tuesday about BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo).

I’ve had to use more public restrooms, and the ones that aren’t single-occupant still feel fraught. I’m not AS terrified as before, but it’s not great. Honestly though that one’s on society and not me. It shouldn’t be awful to just have to pee in a public bathroom!

If you can’t imagine that because you’re cisgender and thus it’s something you’ve never had to think about, have a read of CIS PRIVILEGE.

CONFIDENCE check-in.

And a completely unexpected, surprising follow-up as my confidence continues to grow, surprising even me. Are you a stranger? Let’s talk, I don’t care! I’m not gonna run away screaming. APPARENTLY. See CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

HAIR check-in.

And here’s HAIR 2 (first haircut).

It continues to be my very favorite part of me, especially now that I’ve learned even MORE about how to care for it and can get it looking how I want. It’s the very most ME thing about my physical body, and I could not love it more.

If you missed it, I did a mini-thread on how it looks at different stages and what it takes to get it to look the way I want it to.
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1545544149880827906

Speaking of things I love (or am starting to, anyway), let’s talk TRANS VOICES.

I’m STILL in voice therapy. It’s been two years now, I think. My voice is finally FINALLY getting to a place where… I think I like it! And now we’re working on taking that like to LOVE. It’s not there yet, but we’re on the way.

It’s not easy. I still struggle to remember all the things I have to do, and then I hear my voice sounding wrong and OH HI DYSPHORIA. But I’m now to the point where I remember more than not, and I’m getting more consistent with it.

My voice therapist thinks we’re in the final stages of what she can do for me. Once I’m doing progressing through the stuff we’re working on now, I’ll just be… done with it.

My voice won’t just always be perfect after that. It will continue to take work and practice and time (I have to sit and do my voice homework for 20 minutes every day, recording myself and listening back to hear what I did wrong, each time working to improve it).

It’s still THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY LIFE. The difficulty level is just off the charts. HRT does NOTHING for a trans lady’s voice. It’s all about understanding the biology of speech and changing the way it works within our body (and mind).

It’s kind of grueling, honestly. Especially since I have to keep listening back to myself messing up (and thus spiking dysphoria) in order to correct and get better. But I can hear the progress compared to recordings from a year and two years ago. It shocks me.

Once I get to where I’m REALLY happy with it, I’ll do a follow up thread with some audio samples so you can hear the difference. I don’t know if it will help me get gendered correctly on the phone (though I HOPE so, damn), but it’s making ME feel better at least.

On the legal side of name/gender change things, most of the important stuff is done. I still need to update my birth certificate and our car registration, and I should probably get a passport before laws are passed making that impossible to get with my real gender on it.

Our marriage certificate will probably never be able to be updated, as we got married in a state that really really hates trans people. But I have the legal document from the judge that links my deadname to my real name, so hopefully that won’t be an issue.

In terms of other changes from HRT, I continue to FEEL like myself every day and that’s a damned delight. My breast growth continues, slowly, but progress is progress (they hurt almost all the time, but that’s from growing so… KEEP IT UP).

And let’s not forget what the absence of dysphoria has done for me mentally. Just an absolutely life-changing difference. See FREEING UP MY BRAIN aka LUNCH WITH TILLY.

Still no development of any kind in my tiny little butt, still no more curve/hips than I had last year. WHAT A SCREW. HRT is a process and it takes time time TIME, and you never know what you’re gonna get or when you’re gonna get it. I continue to hope.

I continue to find my style… evolving. Here’s the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.

I am surprised to discover that it’s still changing, and things I liked the way I looked in just a few months ago now leave me feeling muted. I don’t know what my style is, really, still trying to figure that out (I have some thoughts on that for a future thread).

Remember earlier in the thread I mentioned tossing photos out just because I didn’t like them much, for a variety of reasons, but not for dysphoria-based reasons? That ties in here, a bit, as we get to the end of the thread and the part most of you are probably waiting for…

The transition timeline photos! They’re kind of A Thing trans people do, and they are admittedly cool to see the changes over time. I didn’t think to take a photo of the DAY that I started HRT, but last year I found the one that was the closest and took a new one to match.

I wore the same shirt, did my makeup the same way, all so you could (maybe?) better see the changes to my face from HRT. And so I did that again this year, and for the first time in a long time I… had to take a LOT of photos. But still none of them felt right.

They weren’t dysphoric, but they weren’t… me. As my style evolves, as my tastes evolve and become clearer to me, as I learn what *I* really like and who I am, as *I* evolve… those old photos don’t feel like me. And that’s why none of these were working.

That look isn’t me anymore. I don’t want my makeup like that, I still have that shirt but it’s more something I’d wear to run errands or clean in or when just lounging around on a dumpy day, if that makes sense. NONE of it felt like ME.

So I just tossed them all. I’m not gonna post stuff that’s not who I am anymore. That would be LESS of an accurate representation of the changes over time. So I changed my shirt and makeup and instantly got a ton I really loved, because they. were. ME.

And this is tied in with everything else, all the incredibly surprising new things that have happened to me (in terms of transition) in recent months.

Like that I’ve had the mental energy to try new things, that photos and reflections don’t spike my dysphoria, that my body finally felt enough like mine that a tattoo was something I could seriously consider are all part of the same thing.

Whatever caused it, whatever blessed thing it was, I’ve clearly passed a point where something changed, or enough somethings changed, that many of the issues I’ve struggled with SO MUCH for my ENTIRE LIFE are decreasing, minimizing, or leaving altogether.

And that’s just fuckin’ WILD. It’s why I started transitioning to my true self. It’s what I hoped would happen. But if I’m honest it wasn’t something I thought I’d ever really attain. If it just got better, made the unlivable pain of dysphoria a little better, it’d be worth it.

And now I experience gender euphoria daily! Multiple times a day! All day long! The very idea of this is almost unbelievable to me. If you’re not familiar with GENDER DYSPHORIA, read up!

So here’s the transition timeline so far. Both old photos spike dysphoria now. At the time, each was closer to me than I’d ever been. My face looks so much rounder/softer to me now. If only the poor ultra-dysphoric Tilly of 2 years ago knew the real her she’d find not too far off.

My face isn’t just softer, but look how my hair’s changed. Look at my eyes change!

In that new one? Hi! That’s Tilly! Wait… I’M TILLY! THAT’S ME!

That I’d actually get here, and after only two years? It’s blowing my damn mind.

Nobody who transitions is guaranteed to get to this place, but if you’re wondering if you should? EVERY step closer to the real YOU is worth it. Finally being myself EVERY DAY is the best thing ever. And if I can do it so can you. I believe in you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – there were more photos I liked, so you’re gettin’ ‘em! Because I will never, ever, EVER tire of getting to see her in photos. Because that her IS me. And she’s cute af. 😉

ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN

Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’m finally going to do my one year out/one year on HRT check-in! Technically this should have been done a month ago, but I… had the date wrong on when I started HRT. Whoopsie! Anyway, let’s see where things are at in my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.

I’m not going to reference every past Trans Tuesday post, just the ones I feel are applicable and due for an update. Also please remember that whatever the first year has been like for ME is in no way indicative of every trans person’s experience.

Let’s start with GENDER DYSPHORIA.

It’s interesting re-reading that, and seeing when I was having to boymode simply because of facial hair problems I could do nothing about. See BOYMODE AND GIRLMODE for more.

I still have gender dysphoria. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away entirely. But it’s not as bad, hits me less intensely, and when I do get the really awful bouts of it they seem to be few and far between. Not boymoding helped that a lot.

So have the changes HRT has brought, but we’ll get to that. Most of my dysphoria has always revolved around my face and facial hair (and to a lesser extent my original, very un-feminine torso).

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to get to the point where I am now, which is… shaving every. Single. Day. And not only that, I’m shaving against the grain. Which is… not great!

My face basically feels like it’s always on fire. ALWAYS. There’s never a time when I can not feel it stinging and burning. But doing it this way removes the “shadow” almost entirely, and is only mostly noticeable the next morning, when I shave again.

And the act of shaving does give me dysphoria, but way less than before. I changed shaving creams, I changed the way I moved my hands while shaving, I changed the order of the parts of my face I shave, all of which has made it easier to not associate with how I shaved before.

But I still hate doing it, hate that I HAVE to do it, and resent the time it takes. And again, the whole face-constantly-feels-like-fire thing. But when I tell you I see no shadow after, and my skin feels smooth, and how MUCH that lessens my dysphoria… it’s all 100% worth it.

I still haven’t been able to start electrolysis/laser hair removal. Our insurance does cover it (yay!) but won’t okay it until my testosterone falls below some arbitrary number they set (boo). I suppose that’s under the auspices they think it’ll stop or slow enough on its own.

But… who knows when that will be? If ever? And in the meantime our insurance has decided all the pain it causes me to have it and have to deal with it is something I just have to live with. Which is some. fucking. bullshit.

I’d just go get it outside of our insurance, now that we’re vaccinated, but paying for it out of pocket is absolutely not an option right now, so I’m stuck with the fiery face shaving. And that’s a shitty thing to force a trans woman into.

PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS check-in.

This has gotten a LOT better! I can now usually find photos I really like, that feel like me and what I want to see (well, much more so anyway), without having to take two hundred to maybe find one good one. Now I can find one I like in every 10 or 20!

Which may still seem like a lot, but trust when I say it’s a vast improvement. I don’t despise looking through them, either! Far fewer of them spike my dysphoria like they used to. And sometimes I catch my own reflection in the mirror and it makes me smile.

IT. MAKES. ME. SMILE?!? That alone is just a monumental signifier to me that things are getting better. Mile and miles better. And I think that’s due to HRT, to my hair, to my clothes, to the happiness and confidence I can see in my own eyes now. It’s remarkable and entirely new.

BODY HACKING check-in.

Still running four 5ks a week, still doing push-ups beforehand. I was shocked to see in the original post I was at 170 push-ups before each run last year… because I’m now at 270! But let me tell you something…

My arms barely look more muscular now than they used to. Part of that is not being able to see them as easily due to fat redistribution from HRT, but it’s also because HRT has made it so that I have to basically work twice as hard as I did before to see the same results.

Not hyperbole! HRT affects everyone differently, but it’s had a huge impact on me in that regard. Also I’ve been using the same running app for a very long time, and have probably a thousand activities tracked in there. And look at this.

My AVERAGE pace is one minute slower per mile than last year. And let me tell you, it’s RARE I can even hit that average time. It’s definitely still in the process of slowing down even further. And hitting that time makes me feel like I’m gonna DIE.

Whereas the old average pace was just my actual average… not pushing myself hard at all. And now, to get an entire minute slower, I have to push myself as hard as I can. It’s very frustrating, because I feel like I’m pushing so hard every day…

And then my app is like “this was your 725th fastest run” and I want to scream. There’s really nothing to be done about it, but I didn’t at all account for how frustrating that would feel on a near-daily basis.

CIS PRIVILEGE and bathrooms check-in.

I HAVE had to use public bathrooms a bit now (in the brief period we had where things opened up before we had to severely lock down again thanks to the delta variant) and it is FRAUGHT. It’s terrifying. Even when Susan accompanies me.

I will stop drinking HOURS before I have to go somewhere, and not drink anything at ALL while I’m out, to avoid using a bathroom that’s not all-gender or single occupant. Or if I don’t know what kind of bathrooms will be available somewhere.

Just think about intentionally dehydrating yourself for HOURS before you dare go anywhere in public, to try to minimize any possible harassment just because you have to pee. Please get back to me on how that feels.

PRIVILEGE (time and money) check-in.

I’m still as privileged as before, though I’ve already mentioned how money concerns have held me back from zapping the hair off my face for good. It’s still an issue for clothing and makeup and running shoes (and the tattoo I want!) too.

And time… I sink even MORE time in these days, because doing almost twice as many push ups takes twice as much time. Shaving EVERY DAY takes much more time than the three or so times a week I could do it before.

And I love my hair, and know how to take care of it now, and guess what that takes? I still resent (SO. MUCH.) how much time I have to give up to get through all these things, but again… dysphoria’s worse, so I’ll take it.

BODY HAIR check-in.

I am dismayed to tell you that while HRT has somewhat slowed my body hair growth (I think?), it’s not enough to have changed the hair removal that’s required. I still have to shave and then epilate everything once a week. EVERY week.

It’s so much that my epilator just DIED ON ME. Again, I’m using it 3-4 times as often as it was intended (for most cis ladies), and on like 2-3 times as much body surface area. I burned it right out.

And it takes just as much time to do it now as it did at the start, there’s really no way to make it faster. I resent this time sink MORE than any other. I find it infuriating, and it hasn’t gotten any easier or less annoying to do. Might just be the way things will always be. Alas.

HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE check-in. I continue to slowly build out my wardrobe, and am still trying to find out what my tastes are, and what looks good on me. It’s a slow process (especially due to money). I’ve found I don’t like some things I thought I would, and vice versa. It’s… illuminating.

CONFIDENCE check-in.

I definitely have more than ever, I see it and feel it in myself. I’ve only been around others in a very limited capacity, and in one instance (my first in a group setting with friends), it was outside and loud and I was masked and voice therapy made that untenable for me.

(More on that soon). The result was I didn’t say much, which didn’t make it easy to figure out how to act and talk in these situations as my true self. Definitely more experimenting and experience needed here, as covid allows.

HAIR check-in.

And HAIR 2 (my first haircut) check-in.

I’ve learned how to take care of it SO much better than before, and obvs I do have bangs now, and I love it more than I ever have. I’ve mentioned this in multiple threads, but it’s my favorite thing about my body and I just love it to pieces.

Related to earlier topics, the two photos in that first Hair thread give me really bad dysphoria now, especially the one that appears first. At the time those were the GOOD ones I liked! More on that at the end of this thread.

SPORTS check-in. Which is only because it’s being made an even bigger deal now, as everything surrounding Laurel Hubbard in the Olympics this summer has shown. So I’m just going to ask you to PLEASE READ THIS THOROUGH DEBUNKING OF THAT NONSENSE.

TRANS VOICES check-in. I’m still in voice therapy, one session every two weeks. I’ve come really far and learned so much, and I’m starting to really dig where my voice is going. It’s not as tough now as it was at the beginning.

But I’m still learning new techniques, and am only now figuring out to speak in ways people identify/label as “more feminine” with any kind of volume. The method my voice therapist uses, you learn the breathing and pronunciations first.

And this is why I mentioned above in the Confidence update that, at that outdoor social gathering, where everyone was talking AND we were all masked… it was basically impossible for me to be heard while speaking in the manner I’m learning.

The result being either I had to talk in my false old voice just to be heard, or I said as little as possible. I went with the latter because the former makes me feel awful. But in quiet, low-attendance settings, you can hear me fine. And it’s getting better!

I can’t wait for the day I have to call someone and they don’t call me “sir” without even knowing who I am. Ugh. Again, please, let’s just do away with gendered honorifics, hm?

LEGAL NAME AND GENDER CHANGE check in.

I have the judge’s decree officially changing my name and gender marker. EEEEEE I’m LEGALLY TILLY. And as you may have seen, my new social security card is now in hand. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Later today I’m going to submit my proof of ID docs to the DMV for a REAL ID, and once those are approved I go in with my SS card and the judge’s decree and that should take care of it. I hope! I can change… every single other thing in my life.

HRT check-in.

In addition to stuff mentioned in that thread, and already mentioned today, (body hair growth not really slowing, exercise being even more difficult than last year), there have definitely been other changes.

It’s changed the way I FEEL. Not physically when I touch things, but emotionally. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s… different. I dig it. And I’ve been thinking about this all year, how to describe the feeling, and I still couldn’t figure it out.

So I started saving artwork that, when I saw it, I said, “Yes THAT. That is the way HRT makes me feel.”

And another.

I’ve been wearing the same size women’s running shoes as before, but now… my feet fit in them better! I suspect I’ve lost about half a shoe size. Which is kind of cool actually, as it means there may be more ladies shoes I will fit into.

Height? Okay listen. I don’t understand it. At all. I have been 6’2” my entire adult life. I am now 6’ and 1/2 inch. WHAT. HOW. This is a known thing that happens to trans ladies on HRT, but like… where did that inch and a half go?! 🧐

Breast growth continues. I’d like a lot more. Not necessarily anything ostentatious, but you know, I’m 6’ (APPARENTLY) and would like them to be more noticeable to make ME feel better, and help me be more often gendered correctly. Still hurt like mofos almost all the time.

Oh, and the day I first saw THIS was pretty spectacular. You can see it easiest in my running clothes, so that’s the photo you get.

Did you miss it? Look! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

That. Is. Entirely. New! I think I first noticed it a few months ago, though I don’t remember exactly when. My sides used to be straight like a wall all the way down. It’s VERY EXCITING! I guess some of the fat from the sides of my torso redistributed to my hips? SCIENCE!

Sadly there’s still nothing to speak of in my ass (ahem). There’s just nothing there. Won’t someone think of the children*?? (for all values of “children” that = my perpetually baggy bottoms in all my women’s jeans and shorts that my tiny little butt cheeks cannot fill out)

I see a lot of difference in my face. Well, to be clear, I think the differences are maybe subtle, but they’re a lot to ME. What do you think? I see it fuller and rounder, and it makes me so happy.

Here’s a side by side with a photo I liked last year that felt good at the time and now spikes my dysphoria, when it didn’t before! Because, to me, I’ve come a long way already. And there’s still so much farther to go. 

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

RAINBOW CAPITALISM

Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s Pride month, so that means we’re gonna talk about Target, and Dylan Mulvaney/Bud Light, and the Los Angeles Dodgers, and: RAINBOW CAPITALISM.

If you’re unsure exactly what Rainbow Capitalism is, or why it upsets so many people, this is the thread for you. We have evidence galore! But what it basically amounts to is corporations posting rainbow logos and selling queer merch while otherwise stabbing us in the back.

On the surface, you’d maybe think the rainbow/Pride merch isn’t a bad thing. Any group being catered to by a corporation means they’ve realized there’s money to be made from that group, and that’s worth more to them than the blowback from bigots who will complain. Theoretically.

So in that respect (and that respect ONLY) you can see it as a good thing, or at least a sign that some societal acceptance is changing for the better. No corporation in the 1980s was selling rainbow merch or even claiming to support queer people, right? Progress.

And if that’s ALL that it was, then it wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be just another sign of the rampant commercialization and commodification of EVERYTHING in our capitalist society.

And I admit it’s nice to have merch with the trans flag on it. I have a shirt with the Star Trek delta/trans flag combo that means SO MUCH to me, because it’s OFFICIAL. But it’s more than just blowing smoke because Trek has been actually featuring non-cis characters!

Me with long curly hair and curly bangs, in pink-framed glasses with eyeliner and pink lipstick, in a navy blue t-shirt that has the Star Trek delta on it (the inside of the delta is filled with the trans flag). My left hand is giving the Vulcan live long and prosper salute, and my black leather cuff watch is visible on my left wrist.

I think they could still do more, and I don’t think they’ve always gotten it perfect, but there’s actual, real progress and it means the world to me and a lot of other trans and non-binary folks. And I love my goofy tank top with a cat wearing pride flag sunglasses, as ludicrous as it is.

Me with long curly bangs and long curly hair (I know I always describe it the same but it’s my hair what do you want from me), in blue-framed glasses, in blue eyeshadow and dark eyeliner and red lipstick and red nail polish, in a blue tank top with a white cat head on the front. The cat wears sunglasses and the lenses show the pride flag, which is super weird and is thus great.

But it’s not all fun t-shirts and mugs and socks and pajamas. A lot of the time there’s sadly something much more sinister going on.

There are the even more naked grabs for queer dollars by companies who want to have the appearance of supporting us while not even having the guts to MENTION WHO IT IS THEY’RE SUPPORTING.

A tweet from @AudioJillian (the Tillys Trans Tuesdays podcast sound mixer) that reads: Our station is actually running Price promos! THey say wonderful sentiments like “All means Y’all” and “whatever flag you fly or what color your stripes are.” You know what they don’t say? ANYTHING ABOUT GAY OR QUEER LISTENERS.

And sometimes, a corporation tries to get in on the action without even realizing what they’re doing, or possibly implying, as this ad from Burger King Austria does. Tops and bottoms, huh? Sure.

An add from Burger King Austria showing two Whoppers in front of a rainbow, the one on the left has two top buns and the one on the right has two bottom buns. Text at the top reads “Time to be proud.” and text on the bottom reads “Pride Whopper” but the E in Whopper is replaced with a rainbow flag.

So okay, maybe that’s not great (while also being kinda unintentionally funny), but what’s the harm in it? Especially from a company that wants to support queer causes, right? From a company that even trolled known hatemongers Chick-fil-A about it?

In that article you’ll find mention of some of Burger King’s past treatment of queer employees and issues, and now we’re starting to get to the heart of the matter.

There’s also this case where a trans employee of theirs DIED after being forced to work with covid, and the manager BLAMED IT ON HER HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY. And this happened HERE IN CALIFORNIA of all places!

I’ve searched and searched, and while I can find statements from Burger King regarding the death and covid policies, I haven’t been able to find anything from them taking a stand and refuting the bigoted manager who blamed it on HRT.

Maybe it’s out there and I’ve missed it, but if you ARE pro-queer (and even if you just cynically want to be SEEN that way for our delicious queer cash), wouldn’t you BLANKET that statement everywhere, disavowing that manager’s words? It should be easy to find!

Yet it’s not difficult to believe that it might not even exist at all, because in our society this happens all the time. Companies will say they support us, then threaten to take away our gender-affirming care if we dare to support unionization.

And it’s more than a one-time thing for Starbucks. So much so it almost seems like company policy!

Companies will say they support us, then fire us for simply wanting the same respect that every cisgender and heterosexual person at the company gets by default.

Look at all these companies with rainbow logos who supported the politicians who enacted Florida’s “don’t say gay” bigotry. That’s not allyship!

An image showing corporate pride/rainbow logos and how much each company has donated to supporters of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill: Charter Communications ($229000), Draft Kings ($50000), PepsiCo ($35000), AT&T ($102500), Comcast NBCUniversal ($92000), Anheuser-Busch ($35000), Walgreens ($31500), Zillow ($20000), Amazon ($7500). Text reads, “Contributions from 1/1/2020 to 2/15/2022 to bill sponsors, legislators who votes for the bill in committee, Speaker of the Florida House Chris Sprowls, and Governor Ron DeSantis. Source: Florida Campaign Finance.”

It’s so bad you can make jokes about it with notably evil fictional companies.

An image reading-
Nobody:
Corporations during June: (a collection of logos from evil companies in fiction, in rainbow colors, including, Umbrella Corporation, UAC Union Aerospace, Silver Shamrock Novelties, Skynet, OCP, Shinra Corporation, RR, Lexcorp, inGen, Weyland-Yutani Corp, Mishima Zaibatsu, Abstergo Industries, Black Mesa Research Facility, Aperture Laboratories, Mann Co., SCP Foundation, Mom’s Friendly Robot Company, and Virtucon.

Even our governments will light themselves in Pride colors…

While they’re in the middle of taking our rights away and forcing invasive GENITAL CHECKS on CHILDREN.

If you want some info on companies with rainbow logos, who claim to support us and want our money, yet will turn around and donate to politicians who are taking our rights away, here you go.

And some more…

And some MORE!

Are there any companies getting it right? Here’s a list of some that may actually be pro-LGBTQIA2S+.

Note the last one on that list is Ulta. I get a lot of makeup and hair products from them, so I’m on their marketing emails (I get too much email but I want the sale notices and discounts, IT’S A REAL DILEMMA).

Anyway, this one I experienced personally. Imagine my utter shock and (pleasant) surprise when this email came in:

A very (VERY) long vertical image showing a marketing email from Ultra for Pride. There are photos of three people of varying races and genders, and images of various makeup products interspersed throughout. Text reads:

With Pride. Whoever you are. Whoever you Love. However you identify. We’re proud to celebrate and spotlight the LGBTQ+ community, this month and beyond. This week, get to know organizations making a difference, and the brands that support them.

The Trevor Project. Creating a safer, more inclusive world through crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ youth, plus critical research and advocacy. Brands that donate: Maybelline, Kiss, OPI, Madison Reed and L.A. Girl.

The Pride Foundation. Building a better, safer, more equitable world through community organizing and student support. Brands that donate: L.A. Girl.

Los Angeles LGBT Center. Caring for the community in Los Angeles and beyond with health and social services, housing, education and advocacy, and more. Brands that donate: NYX Professional Makeup.

Ali Forney Center. Transforming lives by protecting LGBTQ+ youth from homelessness, empowering them with tools to live independently. Brands that donate: L’Oreal.

Triangle Community Center. The leading provider of programs and resources to nurture and support LGBTQ+ residents of Fairfield County. Brands that donate: Eyelure.

G.L.A.A.D. Founded as a protest against defamatory coverage of the community, G.L.A.A.D. works through media to share stories that accelerate acceptance. Brands that donate: Sally Hansen.

The Point Foundation. Empowering LGBTQ+ students to achieve their full academic and leadership potential through financial aid and scholarships. Brands that donate: Scunci.

True Colors United. Striving to end homelessness in the queer community, fueled by the belief that housing in a human right. Brands that donate: Manic Panic.

I know that’s a weird size, but I wanted to include it all. Hopefully you can zoom in to see it. It shows brands that Ulta sells, and which LGBTQIA+ organizations those companies donate to and support. That feels much closer to something real!

Of course you should still do your due diligence and check who else those companies may donate to. Ulta has seemingly donated very little to politicians, and much moreso to democratic ones, but ANY dollars supporting republican PACs isn’t great.

But it’s only $1500 total, came from individuals and not the company itself, and is utterly obliterated by the amount given in support of democratic candidates who are much more likely to support queer causes, so that might be as good as it gets in this world.

And there was of course the whole recent fiasco with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney doing an ad for Bud Light that made bigoted conservatives LOSE THEIR ENTIRE MINDS.

And as soon as that happened… the company walked back their support of her to appeal to the bigots who got offended at a trans woman existing. And of course Anheuser-Busch is actually a HUGE donor to the Republicans. So they obviously don’t care about queer people at all.

And even more recently, there was the issue with the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you’re not aware, the team was going to have a Pride night, as many sports teams do. A night to celebrate their queer fans during one of the games. Seems like a good thing, right?

But then this happened. (They deleted the tweet, but I got a screencap)

A tweet from the Los Angeles Dodgers that reads: In the spirit of unity, the Los Angeles Dodgers are proud to host our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. This event has become a meaningful tradition, highlighting not only the diversity and resilience within our fanbase, but also the impactful work of extraordinary community groups. This year, as part of a full night of programming, we invited a number of groups to join us. We are now aware that our inclusion of one group in particular – The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – in this year’s Pride Night has been the source of some controversy. Given the strong feelings of people who have been offended by the sisters inclusion in our evening, and in an effort not to distract from the great benefits that we have seen over the years of Pride Night, we are deciding to remove them from this vear’s group of honorees.

So what the hell is going on here? From their own website, here’s who the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are: “The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are a leading-edge Order of queer and trans nuns. We believe all people have a right to express their unique joy and beauty.

“Since our first appearance in San Francisco on Easter Sunday, 1979, the Sisters have devoted ourselves to community service, ministry and outreach to those on the edges, and to promoting human rights, respect for diversity and spiritual enlightenment.

“We use humor and irreverent wit to expose the forces of bigotry, complacency and guilt that chain the human spirit.”

They’re a charitable organization that’s been around for over 40 years, made up up queer people WHO EXPOSE AND LAUGH AT BIGOTRY to make political statements. They were there supporting the community through the AIDS crisis when we were abandoned by everyone else.

In fact, the Dodgers just gave the LA chapter of the Nuns an award for their twenty-seven years of charitable service to the city. AND THEN DISINVITED THEM FROM PRIDE NIGHT WHEN BIGOTS COMPLAINED THAT THE NUNS MAKE FUN OF BIGOTS.

You can visit lasisters.org to learn all about them and their mission of compassion and acceptance for everyone, and how their goal is to support the queer community and spread our joy. You can read their statement on this train wreck there, too.

People like thirsty sycophant MARCO RUBIO, from ultra-fascist Florida, complained that the nuns mocked Catholics with a “lewd imitation” of nuns. And let’s unpack that a little. Because it’s a continuation of the “all queerness is inherently sexual” bullshit the Republicans keep spewing.

“We can’t have a gay kiss in media even though hetero kisses are everywhere! Queer people are pedophiles!” Florida just made it a crime for trans people to use public bathrooms under the guise that all trans women are sex offenders BY DEFAULT. This is that exact same bullshit.

Drag and trans people are seen as inherently sexual and awful simply by existing. Further, IMITATIONS OF NUNS is free speech protected by the first amendment! There’s literally NOTHING wrong with or illegal about it.

But religious bigots get their undies in a bunch every single time they’re called on their bigotry, and those religious bigots who are politicians complained and the Dodgers INSTANTLY folded. Not only that…

They DARED to do it while talking about “unity” and “diversity” and “the impactful work of community groups,” thereby implying that the sisters are the antithesis of all of that. THIS IS THEM SAYING “QUEERNESS IS ONLY OKAY IF THE BIGOTS AGREE WITH IT.”

HEAVEN FORBID WE UPSET THE BIGOTS BY CALLING OUT THEIR BIGOTRY.

As we’ve talked about many times in Trans Tuesdays, there is no “both sides.” You either believe in equality and human rights, or you don’t. The other side of that IS LITERAL BIGOTS AND NAZIS. And the Dodgers said, “well the bigots have some good points…”

Which thereby tells EVERY SINGLE QUEER PERSON that they’re not welcome there. And there you see the Dodgers’ rainbow capitalism laid bare: they only wanted our dollars, they only wanted to APPEAR supportive. In reality, they don’t give two shits about us.

However, after a LOT of outcry, and many big queer organizations pulling out of the Dodgers’ Pride Night in protest, they thankfully reversed course.

A new statement from the LA Dodgers (with rainbow logo! natch) that reads: After much thoughtful feedback from our diverse communities, honest conversations within the Los Angeles Dodgers organization and generous discussions with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers would like to offer our sincerest apologies to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, members of the LGBTQ+ community and their friends and families.

We have asked the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence to take their place on the field at our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. We are pleased to share that they have agreed to receive the gratitude of our collective communities for the lifesaving work that they have done tirelessly for decades.

In the weeks ahead, we will continue to work with our LGBTQ+ partners to better educate ourselves, find ways to strengthen the ties that bind and use our platform to support all of our fans who make up the diversity of the Dodgers family.

Thankfully public pressure got them to reverse that terrible decision, but the ending of the new statement is key. They need to work WITH the queer community on these things, all companies do. You can’t just be reactionary babies every time a bigot throws a fit.

And then there’s the whole issue of Target removing pride items based on protests from bigots.

And this wasn’t even SOLELY corporate greed, because their Pride collection featured items from indie queer creators! Which is exactly how it should be, so there’s money going TO queer people and it’s helping people find their work.

But then that merch is pulled, which hurts the very people you’re trying to help (both the creators and those who’d like to purchase the items to support them).

So this one is really tough, because queer people want (and deserve) products that reflect who we are, and Target does donate to both political parties, they’ve also donated to those taking our rights away. Like Trump!

And this is a really tough situation on the surface, because Target wants to (and has an obligation to) protect their employees, especially those who are queer and/or trans. But they also have an obligation to not abandon those marginalized voices they were spotlighting.

In the past they faced backlash over masking policies… and stood firm. In the past they face bigoted backlash for having an inclusive bathroom policy and letting trans people use their true names on nametags, even if it hadn’t been legally changed yet.

And by all accounts I could find, they respected employees’ pronouns. And when the bigots complained about all of that, still they stood firm. They didn’t cave. But now they have. And thus the bigots are emboldened.

If you show them their violence and terrorism works, THEY WILL KEEP DOING IT. You do not cave to this crap, all that does is justify it in the heads of the people who get enraged at rainbow merchandise not targeted at them, like some emotionally stunted babies.

I also want to remind you they are a MEGA CORPORATION WITH MANY RESOURCES. They need to sue the violent bigots into the ground with all their resources, and then guess what? It will STOP, and queer people will be protected. But no, they just caved. And it’s sickening.

But this of course brings us to “is there any ethical consumption in a capitalist society?” To which the answer is probably no and the best we can do is try to minimize the damage with our purchases while trying to effect painfully slow system-wide change.

And I guess the point I’m making is to just know where your dollars are going, but also that corporations CANNOT (well, “should” not, because clearly they CAN) say they support us while donating to people/organizations that want to take our rights away.

This ties in directly with my Trans Tuesday on TRANS POLITICS, wherein I explain how you CANNOT vote for people who want to harm us and claim you are an ally, a friend, or even family. You do not truly love us or care about someone you’d vote to take rights away from.

Oh I hear you say YOU would never vote to take our rights away, but if you vote for politicians who do, I’m sorry to tell you that’s the exact same thing. You might as well be signing trans healthcare bans yourself for all the harm you’re doing.

If you go to Chick-fil-A, you are giving them money they WILL use to hurt us. It doesn’t matter if you donate the same amount you spent to a pro-queer org. They don’t cancel each other out, you’re ENABLING THEIR BIGOTRY AND HELPING THEM HARM US.

They’ve changed who they donate to, but don’t say they won’t resume donating to bigotry again in the future soooo…

If you’re interested, Matrix Resurrections also deals with this somewhat, though also with the erasure/co-opting of trans voices. But that’s not an entirely unrelated topic, because what are these companies doing if not claiming to be with us while not listening to us?

And again, all of my Matrix trans allegories threads got me a book deal and you can get it now in hardcover, paperback, digital, and audiobook (read by me)!

So which corporations should be celebrating Pride? You can’t sum it up better than this.

A tweet from Erin Reed, @ErinInTheMorn, that reads: Corporate DEI team: thinking of painting your logo rainbow? DON’T, unless your company has:
– Pulled out of a state with anti-trans laws if applicable.
– Donated to 0 anti-LGBTQ politicians.
– Covers ALL trans healthcare – including FFS/Hair removal/top surgery

Corporations need to NOT support politicians/causes that hurt us, they need to offer full trans healthcare coverage as part of their health insurance package, they need to use their pull to fight for us politically.

Queer people are human beings who deserve equality, not inanimate pawns meant to increase your wealth.

If all you want is our money, and don’t support us getting equal rights?

Keep our names out of your mouth.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

TRANSITION SETBACKS

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re gonna talk about something every trans person deals with, though we wish we didn’t have to. So let’s examine TRANSITION SETBACKS.

Because for a while… I almost lost myself.

This is something I subconsciously knew going in, and probably even consciously knew on some level. Few things in life happen in straight lines, with uninterrupted forward progress. So why would transition be any different?

Honestly though, that’s how my transition HAD been going up until the start of this year. And it was elating. I was constantly moving toward being the most ME I’ve ever been. And while it was slow, because transition is a process, it was gradual, constant improvement.

But two things happened around the start of this year that dramatically impacted my transition, and it was really tough for me to deal with. So my hope is by talking about them, I can help some other trans folks out there realize these things are normal.

They SUCK, don’t get me wrong, but they’re also to be expected. Stuff happens, that’s life. And I think if I had been MORE consciously aware of that, they might not have hit me quite as hard as they did.

I felt a bit blindsided, which is my own fault for thinking things would just continually get better forever without interruption. But things had been going SO well and I was feeling SO good the more I became the true me, I guess I stopped thinking about anything going wrong.

I’ve mentioned many times how changing my body pre-transition, away from the “dad bod” I had, was still a very real part of my transition. It allowed me to get closer to ME before I began my social/medical transition. See the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.

But I want you to understand it has been a very real part of transitioning for me. Not as much as hormone replacement therapy, or my hair, or my clothes, but still really important. Even now, years into my transition, I consider it vital.

Because if I stop, it means my body will (in some ways) transition back toward where it was pre-transition. And that’s an awful and frightening thing for me, because I do not want to be associated with that body at all.

Around the start of the new year, I was doing bicep curls after my push-ups. Normal exercising for me, part of the routine I did often. But for some reason, something went wrong in my left bicep.

I don’t know exactly what because I didn’t go to a doctor to get it checked out. It didn’t seem to be anything super serious, it was maybe just a pulled muscle or the like. BUT it meant I had to rest it. For weeks.

I think it took almost a month before it felt basically back to normal, and I could get back to using it to exercise. And guess what? In that time I had lost SO MUCH of my arm and upper body strength. Like SO MUCH.

Because again, I’m fighting HRT at every step. I love love love being on estrogen, but it is not kind to muscle definition. And nearly a month with no activity had seriously depleted my strength. I could barely manage a hundred push-ups in sets of 20.

Now I know some of you are gonna be like “that’s still a lot!” and for some people it certainly is. But it’s a third of what I’d been able to do before (in sets of 30). It was a drastic reduction. And I was EXHAUSTED and totally wiped out from doing those hundred.

And it kinda crushed me. Because although it didn’t change my physical appearance much (my biceps def got smaller, but I dunno if anyone could tell but me), I knew the truth of it was that I’d backslid and thus moved closer to where I was pre-transition.

And it terrified me. It was so hard to deal with, because if there’s a timeline with a slider, with pre-transition me on one end and the 100% true me on the other, I had clearly moved toward the wrong end, however slightly.

It felt like the walls were closing in on me. It felt like the unending sea of dysphoria was there, just behind those walls, and cracks were forming. It was threatening to come in and drown me again.

And you can’t rush muscle healing or strength training. I’m only just NOW getting back to where I was before I got hurt. And it’s been tough to not push myself too hard to try and get back faster, because doing so would likely result in me getting hurt again.

There was literally no way to make it go any faster, which meant I had to just sit inside those cracking walls, feeling the trickle of water begin, and do my best to slowly and methodically patch the cracks before I drowned.

And then, in the middle of dealing with all of that, a MUCH larger setback happened. I mentioned in the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE that I didn’t know there were two kinds of progesterone, and I’d recently switched.

What I didn’t tell you in that trans tuesday is that while the micronized progesterone has absolutely helped with breast growth and developing small but very real hips for me… apparently medroxyprogesterone suppressed testosterone a lot more.

And so when I switched, while I got those great benefits I’ve been wanting for years… my T levels rose. A LOT. And I want to take a second to let you know what that did to me.

My body hair was growing a LOT faster again, and that makes me really dysphoric. There’s a whole trans tuesday about it.

My facial hair ALSO was growing faster, to the point where all of my time-intensive shaving against the grain every morning was no longer leaving my face smooth for an entire day.

But do you want to know the worst part? IT. MESSED. UP. MY. HEAD.

So many people on HRT will tell you how being on the right hormones made their heads feel right, emotionally and physically and in basically any other way you can think of.

And… I could feel it slipping away. I could feel ME slipping away.

My dysphoria was going back up, I was starting to feel angry and confused and trapped and isolated and lonely and broken all over again. It literally felt like the core of who I am, the ME, was being stripped away to be stuffed back inside that box I always kept her in before.

And do you want to know the wildest part? Just from my head and my emotions feeling wrong like they did before, I fell back into some things I always did back when I felt like that all the time WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.

Such as what, Tilly? I’m glad you asked. On multiple occasions, I almost accidentally misgendered myself in my head. THREE YEARS INTO MY SOCIAL TRANSITION! That stopped a few months after I came out when I got used to being the real me.

And now here it was happening again, because I felt like I did back then! And you know what else? I was surprised to discover when I went to the bathroom I WAS PEEING STANDING UP. I have not done that in years, even since before my social transition started!

I didn’t INTEND to do it, it just happened. And I realized midway through what was going on. I didn’t think anything of it at first BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS DID WHEN I FELT THIS HORRIBLE BEFORE. It was definitely not helping my already wounded state!

And then with all of those changes happening, I began to worry that the fat redistribution under the skin would also start changing back, and my face would morph back to that stranger I never recognized in the mirror for my entire life.

The largest part of my gender dysphoria always came from my face. I mean lots of other parts of my body, too, but that was the worst. And so the thought of no longer even being able to SEE MYSELF was terrifying.

It was absolutely DEVASTATING. It WRECKED me entirely. I was an emotional mess for weeks. And I was so, SO mad that in order to get more of the body changes I want (breast growth and hips) I had to sacrifice all the other things I also want.

WHY does it have to be like this? It’s SO UNFAIR. I didn’t ask for this. Why can’t I just BE ME and not have to deal with this? Can you even imagine what it’s like to feel your identity is being stripped from you? Ripped out of your mind and heart, leaving a cold shell behind?

That’s where I was. And my body was getting more dysphoric IN TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAYS at THE EXACT SAME TIME.

But HRT is always about finding the right balance, adjusting as you go, trying to get more of what you need and less of what you don’t. And so I adjusted, and now… I think I’ve found an okay balance. Maybe.

My body hair’s still growing faster than I like, BUT not as bad as before. My facial hair is back to staying gone for a day as long as I keep shaving it really close against the grain, over and over again, every morning.

I’m still seeing the gains I want from the micronized progesterone. I think. I mean hormones are slow but my boobs hurt so I’m pretty sure they’re still growing and I can still see my actual little hips that make me totally euphoric.

But above all, the hormones have adjusted enough that my brain, my thoughts, my personality, my ME is back. I feel like myself again, and I’m so glad because those dark days where I felt almost like I was entirely cut off from the world again were so tough to deal with.

All of which is to remind you again that few things in life are nothing but a straight path of progress. There are going to be twists and turns, ups and downs, and sometimes it’s going to feel like you’re going backward. That’s just the way life works. It’s normal.

But when that happens, PLEASE do not give up. There is still a way forward, even if you can’t see it at the time. It’s hard work, but you can find the path back to where you want to be.

And when it happens, remember you’re not the first person it’s happened to, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If Susan wasn’t there to help me through it, the despair might have eaten me alive.

Reach out to those who care about you when you need it.

We can find that path forward together.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com