Trans Life

Cis Allyship Trans 101 Trans Life

TERFs

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is the last thing I want to be talking about today, especially given last week’s thread about how a show I loved made me feel dehumanized. But given the news this is the only thing on my mind, so buckle up for: TERFs.

I didn’t plan to talk about this now, and haven’t prepared anything for it yet. In fact, I’ve spent the last day defending my right to exist as a transgender woman in the face of bigots, which is probably why I can’t think about anything else right now.

All of which is to say this is going to be messy. It was going to be messy under the best of conditions with lots of prep, so be prepared. I know I’m going to forget stuff, and possibly not be as articulate as I could be. I ask that you bear with me.

Also there will be several links in this thread. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the time to read them. If you truly want to learn and understand, they will be invaluable to you.

Before I get into it, I do want to point out this is two weeks in a row I’ve felt compelled to speak on a topic I hadn’t planned on at the time, due to events in the world. So maybe take note of how it’s like we trans folks are almost constantly under assault.

Let’s start with the definition of TERF, which TERFs will tell you is a slur rather than an empirical descriptor. Them being upset about it is akin to racists being upset they get called racist rather than their actual racist actions and beliefs.

TERF stands for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. They’re people who believe trans people are not who we say we are. This is chiefly expressed as discrimination/oppression of trans women, but it affects trans men and non-binary people too.

They’d like to rebrand themselves as “gender critical”, but I don’t like giving bigots the benefit of rebranding to something softer than what they are.

We let anti-choice people rebrand to “pro-life,” despite their lack of support for contraception or adoption, or any kind of effort to abolish the death penalty… all of which you’d stridently support if you were actually “pro-life.”

Letting them control the narrative there has done a lot of real harm, I think, and I don’t intend to let TERFs do that.

If you don’t probe any deeper than the surface, it seems as if TERFs have a legitimate concern. They purport to be about preserving all the hard-won gains women have fought for over the years (well-deserved, very hard fought for gains).

And they feel by letting trans women into those gains, to enjoy those same rights, they’re losing something they worked so hard for. Because we’re not women and didn’t earn it.

The problem is the entire thing crumbles under the very briefest examination. I’m going to do some of that here, but again, I didn’t plan to do this now so this is going to be totally off the cuff.

But even so, you’ll see how the entire thing falls apart.

In order for their entire argument to make sense, you have to believe that gender and biological sex are inseparable. They’re not, and even biological sex isn’t binary, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

Gender is a social construct. We made it up. Animals don’t have gender. They can be male or female, or many variations of intersexed, meaning they are born with/without different reproductive organs (SPOILER this happens in humans too).

That doesn’t mean gender isn’t real. Money is also a societal construct. It’s real, but only has value because we all agree that it does. If we stopped and society broke down, it would just be… paper and metal.

So in TERF ideology, if you’re born with a penis you’re a man, and if you’re born with a vagina/uterus you’re a woman. End of story. It’s this outlook that causes them to see (and perpetuate) the trope of trans women just being “men in dresses invading women’s spaces”.

And they thus see trans men as “confused lesbians” (which doesn’t even address trans men who are attracted to… men! Or are asexual!), and generally think non-binary people are just confused about everything, rather than trusting they know themselves better than anyone else.

And this is where that line of thinking breaks down entirely: what about a woman who has a hysterectomy? Is she no longer a woman? What about a man who loses his penis in a car accident? Is he no longer a man?

What about people born without secondary sex characteristics? It happens. Are they no longer men and women? (they of course are whoever they say they are)

To reduce women and men to nothing more than their reproductive organs is the EXACT thing our misogynistic society does that feminism is about fighting against. They’re betraying their own purported ideals in the name of bigotry (does that sound familiar? Read on.)

Science is not on their side. If biology is all that determines gender, wouldn’t that negate the existence of gay people? Yet they exist, and most of them cisgender. And the TERFs have no problem with them. (there are even gay animals! look it up.)

Even outside of reducing human beings to nothing more than their biology, it’s not like biology is binary! This is a short thread by a biology professor explaining that in an easy to understand way:
https://twitter.com/RebeccaRHelm/status/1207834357639139328

For a more thorough examination, I highly recommend this one from a biologist/endocrinologist that gets further into the actual science. It’s long but well worth your time. SCIENCE!
https://twitter.com/ScienceVet2/status/1035246030500061184

I’m not going to repeat all of those threads here, but I’m going to say that science doesn’t care if you believe in it or not, it’s the empirical truth no matter what… until we learn more and revise our understanding to fit the actual data!

That’s how we learned there’s more than just “male” and “female” in the range of human life in the first place. And that’s JUST biological sex, we’re not even talking about gender here. This is just in refute of their “but science says men and women only!” asinine argument.

Here’s another great (single tweet!) post debunking a key tenet of TERF belief, that trans women can’t know what it’s like to be women. That argument, again, falls apart under the barest scrutiny.
https://twitter.com/mckinleaf/status/1269407126109040641

And if having actual science not on their side isn’t enough to stop them, if betraying their ideals and supporting misogyny via pre-defined gender roles based on biology isn’t enough to stop them, what’s motivating them?

GLAD YOU ASKED.

It’s fear, anger, and all the other things rolled up inside a little bigotry burrito (empirically the grossest burrito, except maybe any with cilantro!). And that can be hard to believe, especially for TERFs themselves (some of whom I’m sure have never considered some of this).

All you have to do to really understand them is… watch them. There’s that “when people show you who they are, believe them” quote that is like a mantra of mine. So look at what they do…

They’ve partnered with right-wing conservative groups (some of the very same ones who campaign against women’s reproductive rights!) to enact anti-trans legislation. They’ve done things to actively harm the LGBTQ+ community.

NOTHING they do is about lifting up and protecting women, it’s all done with intent to harm and oppress trans people. Have some receipts. This is a long but, so far as I can tell, very good article allllll about it:
https://www.vox.com/identities/2019/9/5/20840101/terfs-radical-feminists-gender-critical

Their argument breaks down further when you stop to ask… how do you plan to police trans people to keep them out of certain places?

There are cisgender women who are six feet tall, with broad shoulders and strong jawlines. There are cisgender men who are short and lithe with soft, rounded faces. How can you tell? WHO gets to decide? And why is it chiefly white cis women wanting to make that call? Hmm.

Where does it end? Are all tall women not allowed in women’s spaces because TERFs fear they’re “men in dresses”? What about women going through menopause who can no longer reproduce? Or women with hair on their legs?

Not only is it wrong, it doesn’t even make any sense and wouldn’t even be possible. It’s all about upholding a very cis white male view of what a woman should be.

Does every bathroom get a guard outside who gets to decide who people are based on their APPEARANCE? That’s as reductive (maybe even moreso!) than saying people amount to nothing more than their genitalia.

So when a certain billionaire author who’s repeatedly demonstrated (and then doubled-down on) her transphobia announces a new book in which a cisgender man dresses as a woman in order to assault women…

She’s using her mega-platform to push a propagandic talking point meant to scare cisgender people into thinking of trans women as predators and not women. Even worse is that we’re most often the VICTIMS of violence, especially trans women of color.

Has a cis man ever dressed as a woman in order to assault someone? Maybe. Has anyone ever committed voter fraud? Sure. Is the latter an actual problem in this country? In every investigation done, the SCIENCE reported, says no.

It happens so infrequently so as to not be an actual issue. And when it does happen, it’s almost always perpetrated… by the very people railing against it.

So do a google search for cis men dressing as women to sexually assault a woman (despite all evidence showing that women are most often assaulted by people they already know) and not strangers in a public bathroom. Did you find some? Did you find ANY?

Now do a google search for trans women who’ve been assaulted or killed (almost exclusively by cisgender men), and get back to me in five years when you’ve read all the results.

Here’s a good article about how “men in dresses sexually assaulting women” basically never happens:
https://time.com/4314896/transgender-bathroom-bill-male-predators-argument/

One of these things is an actual problem, one of them is propaganda used to stoke fears in support of upholding the misogynistic status quo and oppression of women and “the other”.

It’s all wrapped up in sexism and racism and every other ill society foists upon us, because we ARE a society and you can’t examine any one of these things without touching on all the others.

Trans men are men. Cis men are men. Trans women are women. Cis women are women. Non-binary people or gender-fluid or demiboys or intersex people or androgynous folks or anyone else IS WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE.

To be a TERF is to promote bigotry, plain and simple. Cis people just want to live their lives as themselves in peace. GUESS WHAT EVERY NON-CISGENDER PERSON ALSO WANTS?

Unfortunately we have to ask the cis folks to give that to us, because they’re the ones causing the problem. So fucking have some compassion and do. Please.

And if you’re cis and this angers you, stand up to this bigotry and let us know you’ve got our backs. We need you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans Life

PRIVILEGE (time and money)

Welcome to #TransTuesday!  This week we’re talking about one aspect of a very, very large topic: PRIVILEGE. Specifically, we’re talking about a privilege that a lot of trans people don’t have, which makes things so much harder for us: TIME AND MONEY

Privilege manifests in so many ways in our society, and the biggest one that I have is that I’m white. So, so white. Painfully white. You can read about that, and so many other vectors of marginalization, in the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.

I have further privilege, however, even among trans women. It manifests as time, money, and acceptance. Acceptance got its own trans tuesday as well, so check up on WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE if you missed it.

One way that time manifested as a privilege for me was in all of the exercising I used to change my body, VERY MUCH AS PART OF MY TRANSITION. See the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.

Guess what exercise takes? Time time time time time. Depending on what I’m doing that day, my push-ups and bicep curls, ab exercises, a run, stretching, showering, etc. the entire process can eat up 1.5 – 2 hours of my day.

And that’s without doing my hair, which takes another hour and a half on its own! (this is why I can only do my hair twice a week, it takes a lot of TIME and the products cost a lot of MONEY).

You can already see how being so very busy recently in terms of my writing career has lessened the amount I can exercise and how that’s affected me somewhat, in my THREE YEAR RETROSPECTIVE.

You know what else takes a lot of time? Trying to find clothing, of any type, that I like and that will also fit (and look good) on my six foot tall body, which… most women’s clothes aren’t exactly made for.

Way back when I first started my transition and hadn’t yet had changes from HRT and hadn’t been able to (and figured out how to) shave so that I’m stubble-free all day, I always had beard shadow on my face.

Makeup helped with that, but I could still see the shadow through it. So I put Hollywood quality beard cover on first. Extensive beard cover – time. Rest of the makeup – time.

On a day when I exercise, shave, deal with body hair, and put makeup on, you’re probably talking four hours of my day. I generally don’t do all of that on the same day for a reason.

And yeah, hormones take time (and require patience). See the trans tuesday on HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY for more info.

It takes YEARS to see the full effects of that, and there’s no telling exactly what those effects will be. See the above linked trans tuesday on my three year retrospective for a visual representation of how slow the changes are.

For people who need surgical procedures, the wait is often YEARS long, and there can be months of prep for the patient beforehand. And months of recovery.

And guess what? Every single thing I’ve mentioned costs money. (I’m not hitting you up for cash, please do not send me anything.)

I needed clothes to exercise in. I wear out a pair of running shoes in about 8-10 weeks, and those can be $60+ a pair. Makeup costs money, and is used up and needs to be replaced. Do you have any idea how much replacing an ENTIRE WARDROBE costs?

Look through your closet and dressers, you’ve probably got a lot more than you think you do (I know I did). Now imagine every piece of it made you feel awful and you needed to replace every. Single. Item. That’s $$$.

And with clothes, you’re not going to really know what is and isn’t your style until you really get to experiment with it. See next week’s trans tuesday about me trying to figure that out… but it can mean replacing even your NEW clothes as you figure stuff out. $$$$$

HRT costs money, and not all insurances cover it. If surgical procedures are needed, those are $$$$$$$$$$$$ and not all insurances cover them. If I can eventually get laser hair removal or electrolysis? Money. Voice therapy? My insurance covered it, but not all do. More money.

And things like voice therapy? They take SO VERY MUCH time. See my three-part series on TRANS VOICES, which begins here.

Now remember all this while I talk for a minute about acceptance, and I’ll tie them all together after. This really IS all about privilege, stick with me here.

When many trans people come out, they risk… well, everything. Family may (and often do) reject us/cut us out of their lives/become actively hostile and sometimes sadly even violent. Friends can, too. Marriages and relationships can change, and often even end.

We risk losing their jobs, which could mean we risk losing our insurance, or finding out our insurance doesn’t remotely cover the help we need.

21% of trans people lived in poverty in 2021, and 35% lived in poverty in 2020. The pandemic and lockdown are mucking with the numbers there, but you’re talking anywhere from a fifth to a third of all trans people.

To get on HRT you ideally need an endocrinologist, hopefully one who’s experienced with it and trans people. In large parts of this country, there are not a ton of endocrinologists, even fewer with the right experience, and some outright refuse to see trans patients.

If you want to see the messes that can lead to, see the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE.

If you need surgical procedures, there are a very small number of doctors able, willing, and skilled enough to perform those procedures. You may not be able to find one.

You may have to travel across the country ($$) and some people have even traveled across the world ($$$$) to get the care they need.

Now imagine a trans woman who’s maybe a single parent working two jobs in a highly conservative area of the country. She has no extra time, she has no extra money, and telling literally anyone around her could mean blowing up her life and putting herself in danger.

Now go back to the trans tuesday on Trans Intersectionality that I linked earlier, and add in other vectors of marginalization this trans single mom might face that cause her to have even LESS time and money.

Me? I was fully accepted across the board by every person in my friends and family that I told, with one asshole hold out. Susan not only accepted me, but has HELPED me and been there for me every step of the way. Our son was great about it, too.

We’re financially stable. I can afford to replace running shoes when needed, to slowly replace my wardrobe, to get makeup. Our insurance covers everything I’ve needed so far (with copays and the like, but still).

I’ve been able to make the time to do the things I need to do to feel more at home in my own body, and still write and still have time with family and friends. Though I wish those things took LESS time! Maybe eventually.

But so many trans people don’t have all of that. Some don’t have ANY of that. The fact I have any of it, much less ALL of it, means I have SO much more privilege than so many trans people.

And you can see how I recognized that and decided to use it when I announced the website for trans tuesdays, and the podcast, and talked about WHY I DO TRANS TUESDAYS (spoiler: I wanted to USE my privilege to help!).

A lot of it is luck. We were very, very poor for a very long time. I couldn’t have done ANY of what I’m doing now back then. We had no money, and I had no time. Susan was often working 16 hour days and I was a full time stay at home parent. There was literally nothing I could do.

I hope I’ve been able to convey through some previous posts how awful GENDER DYSPHORIA is, how much it hurts, how it can feel like we’re suffocating or drowning. And how isolating it is.

So imagine someone feeling that way and seeing no way out. Not even the chance for incremental things to at least see SOME progress. I’m sure that’s part of the reason mental health issues like depression and anxiety so often occur in trans people before transitioning.

There are presently over EIGHT THOUSAND GoFundMe pages for trans causes and folks who are trying to raise money for needed procedures, for clothes, for housing, to escape violent home situations.

Please spare a moment to think of all the trans people who don’t have all the remarkable privilege I still do. If you’re able, please find a few of those trans folks/causes that could use your help, and give them your support.

And please be aware of the massive privilege EVERY CIS PERSON HAS in that you don’t have to deal with any of this just to try to finally feel like yourself for the first time in your life.

What a magical thing that must be.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101 Trans Life

GENDER EUPHORIA

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Today we’re going to talk about something referenced in a whole lot of these essays. It’s one of the best things about being trans for me, and for most trans people, and it’s also something cis people can experience too: GENDER EUPHORIA.

I probably link to this essay more than any other (for obvious reasons), but if you haven’t seen it yet, be sure you’re familiar with the other side of the coin, GENDER DYSPHORIA.

Again, not all trans people experience gender dysphoria (though most do), and you need not have gender dysphoria to be trans. Just Say No to TRANSMEDICALISM.

Gender euphoria is quite literally the exact opposite, it’s a feeling not just of contentment, but absolute unbridled joy brought about by, of all things, your gender. Which might seem strange, so let’s talk about that a little.

I spent my entire life being told I was a boy and a man, and was expected to behave, dress, and live accordingly. And that gave me a massive amount of dysphoria, even beyond the physical issues of feeling like my body wasn’t mine. See BODILY AUTONOMY for more.

So when I began trying to figure out why I felt that way, and coming to terms with my transness, I started experimenting with doing things that weren’t necessarily even feminine, but were anti-masculine, if that makes any kind of sense.

This involved a lot of things I’ve talked about, like growing out my HAIR, experimenting with makeup (which had always terrified me, see HALLOWEEN (and the fear of embracing your true self)), and changing my clothes (see HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE).

If you read through those, I think you can spot the parts where they caused gender euphoria, even if I didn’t mention it by name. Though I think I did? Listen, I don’t have time to go back and check them all right now, give a gal a break.

And okay, I hear you say, but makeup and women’s clothes are “feminine” or “girly” things, at least to some degree. You don’t have to shout it at me! And so I will now direct you to the essay on BODY HACKING, which includes discussion of the first women’s clothes I ever owned, and the first time I ever experienced gender euphoria.

Yes, the first women’s clothes I owned was just a running hoodie, but you likely wouldn’t know that if it wasn’t sold in the women’s section. A running hoodie is a running hoodie. It’s cut a little different from a men’s hoodie, but honestly I don’t think you can tell if you’re not wearing it.

I will never, ever forget the way it made me feel. I said it “felt like I was flying.” And it did, and it still does! Only now basically all my clothes make me feel that way to varying degrees.

And friends, the only better feeling than gender euphoria is love. And like, yes, I am aware of sex, and pizza, and the way it feels to clean an itchy ear with a q-tip.

Gender euphoria is better than all of them.

And it feels like flying because, as I mentioned in the essay on GENDER DYSPHORIA, and multiple other times throughout many Trans Tuesdays, dysphoria can feel like a crushing weight that’s just destroying you.

When you remove that weight, or even lessen it a little, you feel weightless. And that applies to almost everything in life. If you’re overloaded with work, clearing it off your plate can sometimes make you feel better than if you’d never had it stressing you in the first place.

If you carry something heavy, then set it down and pick up something not as heavy, the new thing feels even lighter than it should. It’s just how our brains perceive things.

It’s part of the reason baseball players put those weighted donuts on their bat while warming up. It makes it feel lighter when you’re actually batting! I played a ton of baseball as a kid, that might be the first time I ever experienced anything like that.

Incidentally, this is why Neo flies in The Matrix films (and it’s why there’s a gif of him at the top of this essay… I’ll explain the text on that gif in a minute). For more on the intentional and deeply specific trans allegories of The Matrix franchise, well whaddaya know I wrote a whole book about it!

What does gender euphoria feel like to trans folks who don’t have dysphoria? I can’t say. Not having dysphoria was certainly not anything I’d ever been familiar with.

But I suspect it’s much the same. Maybe a bit less intense? But maybe not. When gender euphoria really washes over me, it is powerful. It really, truly feels like I’m going to levitate right off the ground.

It’s this amazing confirmation that I am me, I am the me I always wanted to be, the me I always was, but now made real and here in the world as myself. There’s just no feeling like it.

So what gives me gender euphoria? Anyone saying my name gives me a little bit, even all these years into transition. That’s not one of the huge ones that makes me feel like I’m flying, but it does make me tingly.

The knowledge that I’m being seen, after spending my life not, is heady stuff.

When my wife Susan noticed my VOICE was changing after I’d been in voice therapy for a while, that was a big one. 

The first time my wife and I went out to eat after I came out, it blew my mind. Because when the server brought our food, she set down my plate. Hold on, I need to take a breath, I’m getting light-headed just thinking about it. Hoo.

She set down my food, and said, “For the lady!” 

That’s it. That is fucking it. It was the first time a stranger had really done that, just seen me as me, and I thought I was gonna explode. Just thinking about it gives me a lot of residual tingles. Kind of astonishing.

It’s not as intense when it happens now, but I still delight in it every time.

One of the things that gave me the biggest hit of gender euphoria early on, and still does, is super common among transfems. In fact it’s so common there’s a name for the phenomena within the community: dress go spinny.

Ah, now you see the reason for the text in the opening Matrix gif. My friend Adam made it for me after my initial social media threads on the trans allegory of the films. It’s so good!

But there’s something about seeing and feeling a skirt twirling around us… perhaps that it makes it flare and be more visible, perhaps because we can feel it moving around us and so become more aware of its presence… but it’s a really common thing that brings joy to a whole lot of us.

And just to talk about The Matrix for a second longer, if you’ve not read my book, the gist of the entire franchise is that Neo is a trans woman, on a journey to her true and final self-actualized self: Trinity. Yes, really. No, I’m not going to explain it here. That’s why I wrote Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix.

The point is that the Wachowski sisters, who wrote and directed the films, couldn’t put Neo in a dress. But a long coat? Yeahyoubetcha. And every time Neo twirls the coat in the films is while flying, and is another moment of gender euphoria. It’s dress go spinny everywhere.

There’s ample evidence for all of this! Really! Read the book, buy my book, get my book from a library, book book book!

It’s also worth mentioning that flight as a metaphor for gender euphoria also shows up in LISA FRANKENSTEIN, BARBIE, REAL GENIUS, and I SAW THE TV GLOW, in various ways. All of which I’ve done trans allegory deep-dives on!

I can only speak to gender euphoria as a person who transitioned as an adult. If you got to transition as a kid in a loving environment that let you explore these things, would you still have it? I think so. Would it still be as intense? No idea.

Before you go and get your brain all smoothed out, lemme remind you no trans kids are getting surgeries and for trans kids, transition is all largely social. And yes there are facts to back it up. Trans kids need your support, and if you can’t bring yourself to do that, at least leave them the hell alone. See TRANS KIDS 1: FACTS AND DANGERS and TRANS KIDS 2: TRANS FLIGHT AND THE INTAKE EXAM.

Gender euphoria is something that cis folks out there can (and do) experience too, though maybe less intensely. Although I’ve never been cis, so I don’t know! But I’m curious.

I think cis folks probably experience something similar when you… well, I don’t know. It’s more than just having a favorite shirt or something. Do you have a… suit? Dress? Top? Accessory? Something that you know you look fucking great in?

Something that makes you feel like “hell yes, this is me! I am an amazing beautiful person, and the world will see me as such! I look good and I fuckin’ know it!”

That. It’s that, turned up to eleven. Do you experience that, cis folks? Is it ever so intense that you just have to sit down because you might pass out from the overwhelming feeling that you’re so very you, the woman or man you were meant to be?

If not, does that mean… you’re not cis? I don’t know, probably not. But maybe! Try on something different, something from the opposite end of the spectrum (or even something very gender neutral).

See how it makes you feel. Pay attention to everything your head, heart, and body are telling you. Explore, see where it takes you. At the very least, you might find you really are cis and just love being that way!

A lot of cis people are afraid of that, though, because maybe they’re afraid they’ll like dressing in clothes associated with a different gender, and then what would that mean?! Babes, it may just mean you’re a dude who likes skirts or a lady who likes suits. Or it could be a window into how maybe you’re not actually cis, I don’t know! See HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS if you do end up questioning. It’s okay! It’s not the end of the world. Welcome.

Or maybe you’ll hate the way dressing as a different gender makes you feel, and you’ll get the teeniest tiniest little window into what gender dysphoria is like. Who knows!

In fact, for trans people without dysphoria (and even for some of us with dysphoria), following our gender euphoria can be what leads us to realizing we’re trans and choosing to transition!

After a lifetime of dysphoria, of pain, and misery, and isolation, of drowning in the depths, euphoria rockets us up into the sky, flying free and full of life and joy at the mere thought of our own existence. 

Gender euphoria is one of the most amazing, magical things about being trans, but even that might not be uniquely ours. I think it’s likely universal. 

Experiment and find out, whether you’re trans, or cis, or unsure. 

Let me know how it goes.

Maybe you’ll find something magical.

And I’ll be waiting for you in the clouds with open arms.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


PS – PART 2 is here (it’s also Confidence part 3!)

Trans 101 Trans Life

HALLOWEEN (and the fear of embracing your true self)

Welcome to Trans Tuesday!  It’s time for spooky spoops, costumes, and candy. So we’re gonna talk about HALLOWEEN, but what this is really about is THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (when your entire life has been a costume).

Halloween was always a weird time for me. I love the holiday and autumn (such as it is in Los Angeles) and the spooky stuff, and I love costumes. But there’s a caveat with that last one.

Because I also didn’t love them, and I never knew why. As a kid you (probably) love Halloween because people give you candy and you get to dress up as a monster or something scary or, as it’s now mostly morphed to, a character you love from popular media.

And there was certainly always media I loved. I don’t remember most of my costumes from childhood, sadly. And I have almost no photos of my life before I moved out to live on my own, so it’s not like I can go back and look.

I know I was Spider-Man one year. Another I was a ghost, the awful kind that’s just a sheet with eye holes cut in it. I always saw that in cartoons or comics and thought it must be fun since it appeared all the time. Spoiler: it is not. It is in fact very bad. But easy to draw!

The best costumes I ever had were Calvin (I even had a little stuffed Hobbes, though not as cool as the one Susan made for me a couple years back), and Wakko Warner. I won a $75 prize from my local comic shop for that last one. It ruled. You’ll have to trust me (again, I have no photos).

I don’t know how familiar you are with Animaniacs, but the characters have black bodies and white faces, in that old-timey cartoon style. The black I handled with a simple black sweatsuit, and I had cartoony gloves from a Disney World trip as a kid. Those all worked great. I had a light blue t-shirt to put over the black sweatshirt, and the red cap. And even a red clown nose!

And I made the ears, and tail, and even feet. But I didn’t do anything to my face, which probably made it look incomplete (but I still won a prize for it, so who knows), and you’re probably wondering why I’d go to all that trouble and not complete it.

It’s because I was terrified to put makeup on. This is also partly what kept me as part of the tech crew in my high school drama club, rather than branching out and trying acting. 

Feeling like I didn’t fit in my own body definitely made me hate being seen by people, so going on stage wasn’t a choice I made willingly. Then they’d all be looking at me but not seeing me, just seeing the shell of a boy costume I was wearing. And that was ungood and spiked my GENDER DYSPHORIA.

But in all honesty, I was just as scared of having to put makeup on, which of course even high school actors need under all the lights in a stage play. I was just as terrified of any kind of hair dye, even including the temporary stuff that washes out. 

Even the baby powder they’d put in a kid’s hair to make it look gray, if they were playing an older character, made me nope right out. I never, ever examined why this was, I just thought it wasn’t something I was interested in. Ha ha ha, it is to laugh.

Even as a pre-transition adult, I would try not to let my wife Susan kiss me when she had lipstick (or even lip balm!) on, because some would invariably get on me, and it provided the exact feeling of fear I’ve been talking about. I couldn’t handle it! I had to get it off! Now now now! AAAHH! It made me panic.

Brief aside, I felt that panic and fear for so long that just remembering it and writing about it above makes me feel it all over again… even now after self-accepting and transitioning, and liking and wearing lipstick all the time! I’m wearing it as I write this. It’s bananas.

In fact, you can, uh… see some of that in action in THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE (that we’re trans).

Anyway the lipstick fear was exactly the same with Halloween and costumes, where I never put any kind of makeup or hair dye on for any reason. It was just not an option, no matter how much better it would have made my costume.

Looking back at all of it now, I can clearly identify it as fear. And it was intense fear, the kind where if I felt I were going to be forced into one of those things… I would have uttered a horrid quick excuse and literally ran away and never gone back.

Which seems kind of severe, until you realize I wasn’t afraid to do, or wear, or have those things, I was afraid I would like it. And then what would that say about me? Therein lies the problem.

In my high school in a podunk midwestern town, I still didn’t know that “transgender” was a thing people could be, much less what it meant. Boys who dyed their hair and wore makeup? Well we were told they were gay and to be shunned (even though I thought the shunning was bullshit).

But! I wasn’t at all worried that if I liked the hair dye or makeup it would mean I was gay. Because I knew I wasn’t. Ladies ladies ladies, they’re the ones for me. 

So if I liked wearing makeup, but I wasn’t gay, what the hell would that mean? In my ignorant, inexperienced, uneducated mind (uneducated in the ways of gender beyond the false cisgender binary matrix)… something would have to be wrong with me.

Seriously wrong.

Because those were the only options ever presented to me. You liked makeup? You’re a woman, or a gay man, end of story. That’s it. It’s the horrid FALSE DICHOTOMY of our society rearing its head again.

But just as much as the fear of what it would mean if I liked those things that were Not For Boys, I felt the fear of having to pretend to be someone else. Because you have to understand:

I was pretending to be someone else every waking moment of my entire life.

That’s what being trans and not knowing it is: acting the part of the cis person you were told you are and had no choice but to be. Sometimes we have to do that even after knowing who we really are (see BOYMODING/GIRLMODING).

And it’s not just that you don’t know how to be the person you’re told you have to be. I mean… it’s hard to explain. I didn’t want to be that person, but I was told that’s who I was, and I believed what I was told (see TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING to learn about that particular poop nugget).

I tried so damned hard, for my entire life, to be that person.

Even though it repulsed me on an atomic level. 

So the thought of dropping that cis boy facade, to replace it with another (like a character in a play), seemed… insurmountable. And uncomfortable. 

Because I didn’t know how you’d adopt a fake persona on top of the fake persona you were already using all your energy to try to project. I was constantly stressed and worried about it, and had to wear it for every damned moment of my entire life.

It meant I’d have to drop the original fake persona. Ideally that’s a good thing, right? But it was also… all I had. I’d be open. Exposed. More vulnerable and out as myself to the world, in acting the part of a character in a play, than I would be as “myself.” Does that make sense?

But unlike acting in a play, Halloween didn’t come with the “persona problem,” because everyone knew you weren’t who you were dressed up as. Nobody expected you to act like that character. You were just… you, in a costume.

That I could (mostly) do and enjoy. And my favorite part about it was masks.

I mean, how much more obvious could it be, right? Are you laughing? It’s okay. I am too. How trite! If this were a script I’d be working on a rewrite right now. (anyway, see THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE (that we’re trans) for more)

In a mask, I didn’t have to pretend to be the boy people thought I was. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything. Masks were a shield. They protected me, kept me wrapped up safe inside, hid the true me from the world.

And myself.

And would you believe this carried over into other parts of my life, in ways I didn’t realize for a long time? It really does creep in all over, when the true you is forcefully hidden from you for your entire life. Tying right in with Halloween and makeup and masks… are the toys I had as a kid.

As a (seeming) boy, the only toys I was really allowed were action figures. I had them for all sorts of cartoons and tv shows and movies I loved. And I still dig action figures even though they’re just small dolls, and yes it’s okay to say that. Get over yourself, my dudes.

Screw the stupid gender binary, let kids play with what they want (see GENDERED CHILDHOODS). Anyway, my favorites were always any character that came with a removable helmet or mask. 

I’d put it on them, take it off, put it back on.

I’d pretend while they had it on that none of the other characters knew who they were. They’d later take it off and reveal their true identity and everyone would be surprised. 

LOOK I SAID IT WAS REALLY OBVIOUS ONCE I NOTICED IT, OKAY?!?

It was only in the years I spent examining myself and my life, and trying to figure this all out, that I realized my affinity for masks and helmets tied into the feeling of safety they gave me. 

And taking a mask or helmet off an action figure to reveal their true selves was pure subconscious wish fulfillment. I wanted to be able to do that with the people I cared about, as my real self.

But I couldn’t. Not in the environment I was in, and not for a long time after until I undid all the damage and INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA society had wormed into me.

There’s also a sadness that comes with thinking of past Halloweens, especially in high school… because it was somewhat regular for some of the jocks to come to school in terrible wigs and their mom’s dresses.

That was, of course, played for laughs. Oh ho ho, you see they’re men but they’re dressed like women and isn’t that silly because it’s so bad and wrong?? (this still permeates our media to no end, mind you, see my 2022, 2023, and 2024 TRANS REP IN MEDIA reports)

Homophobia and transphobia are of course baked right into all of that. It’s terrible. And yet.

I felt pangs in my chest. I didn’t want to look like those cis dude jocks in a costume, I didn’t want to make fun of people, but at the same time… they got to wear dresses all day long, and nobody made fun of them for it.

And my god, what must that be like? I was already fantasizing about this, in a “socially acceptable” way, without even consciously realizing that’s what I was doing, mind you… see TRANS TABLETOP ROLEPLAYING GAMES.

Younger me was… well, this is going to sound very self-aggrandizing, but I’m going to go ahead and aggrandize myself (because it’s my essay and you can’t stop me). That kid was always incredibly self-reflective, often to her own detriment.

Except in this area, because I had been so blinded to even the hint of transgender people not only existing, but it being totally fine and acceptable for us to exist.

So I never examined why I felt that way about burly football players stuffed into too-small dresses, lumbering down the school halls. I just figured it’s because I was… weird. I’ve always been weird. I’ll always be weird.

Guess that’s just part of it! Huh. Yep, makes sense. No need to examine that any further, you weirdo! Glad we settled that. And she hoped to never think about it again.

I wish I’d grown up in a supportive environment where I’d have been encouraged to explore that side of myself, through Halloween, through the drama club, through all the untold stories and adventures I put my action figures through.

I’m sure the latter is a big part of what made me a writer. I was always creating stories for my toys to play out. If only I’d been able to imagine a story half as good for myself.

But we all go at our own pace, which is all we can do. Just… don’t run from what scares you.

One of the first things I did after being sure I was transgender but not knowing if I would transition was… book an appointment with a Hollywood makeup artist who specializes in makeovers for trans women. I’ve mentioned that in multiple essays, and even fairly recently in the one on COMING OUT (as it was a big part of my push to do it).

I’d not talked to a doctor at that point, not begun socially transitioning in any real way. Nobody knew but Susan. And it took me months to work up the courage to do it, because that fear still remained. And now that I knew why I was scared, it made me even more scared.

But I had to know. I had to go and have her put makeup on me and see how it looked. And I did. And if you were ever wondering what this post was about…

Today I did something I’d been terrified to do for most of my life (I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s not dangerous so do not worry). And all I can tell you is that we only live once and if you’re wondering if you should do that thing that scares you? Fuck yes. Go do it. [purple heart emoji]


I let the makeup artist do whatever she wanted, because I had no idea what I liked or what I’d want. I was there for about three hours. The first time I looked in the mirror when she was done was… amazing and heartbreaking all at once. It was so great. And it hurt so much.

Because I knew. Even though the colors and style she used aren’t something I’d choose for myself now, I knew. I knew I knew I knew. That was me. Not all of me, not wholly me… but she was in there. I was in there.

It was the first time I ever saw even a hint of me. I almost cried, but I didn’t want to ruin the makeup!

Which of course was exhilarating! But it also meant… my entire life was going to change, because I had to transition. And it meant so much of my life, trapped in the wrong body with gender dysphoria, could have been so different.

For the first couple Halloweens after coming out, I didn’t have a costume. I didn’t have anywhere to wear one to regardless, but even if I did I was still too unsure of putting a facade on top of the old facade I was still working on fully breaking out of.

A couple years back I threw together an “80s chick” just based on stuff I already owned (yes I owned those things, including hot pink legwarmers, because they’re totally rad).

Me in a black cold shoulder top with a hot pink lipstick kiss on the front and one hot pink bra strap showing, a purple and pink pleated skirt, black tights, and hot pink legwarmers, with my long brown curly hair up in a pineapple

The year after that, I really wanted to dress up, but I put all this pressure on myself because if it was going to be my first real costume, I wanted it to be something that was important to me.

But that resulted in me being too indecisive until I was basically out of time, so I just bought this cute Halloween dress and headband.

Me in a frilly purple dress with sparkly spiderweb designs on it, and a headband with a skull and black roses.

But last year… I finally settled on something. On a character that was really important to me, even though basically nobody recognized it when they saw me! But it’s from a forty year old movie so I guess that makes sense. But it’s a great movie, okay? And one of my favorites of all time.

My first real costume was… Sarah Connor. And not the badass Sarah Connor from T2, but the in-over-her-head Sarah Connor from The Terminator.

Me in my Sarah Connor costume next to a screenshot of her from The Terminator, in the same pose with knees pulled up to chest, hands on knees, looking to the left with concern
Me in my Sarah Connor costume next to a screenshot of her from The Terminator, in the same pose, with right arm across the chest to hold the left arm, with the left hand up by the face

Because this is where Sarah Connor becomes a badass. 

Where fate stares her in the eye and she says no.

NO.

There is no fate but what we make.

And that’s such a trans affirmation of life. Fate made us trans, but we decide what to do about it. We decide, when it’s safe for us to do so, that we can change everything and live a better life.

Don’t run from fear. Find the courage, no matter how long it takes. You can do it. 

Embrace it. Run toward it. Experience that fear and see what you learn about yourself when you come out the other side.

It might just be a revelation.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


PS – Part 2 is here! (it’s also Confidence, part 3!)

Cis Allyship Trans 101 Trans Life

THE FALSE DICHOTOMY

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something that permeates ALL of our society in all kinds of ways you probably never realized. It’s also part of what took me far too long to untangle in figuring out I was transgender, and that’s: THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.

So what is a false dichotomy? Well a dichotomy is any two things presented as opposites (left and right, up and down). A FALSE dichotomy is a situation where those two options are presented as the ONLY options, or as being mutually exclusive, when that’s not remotely the truth.

It’s like going to your favorite Mexican restaurant and your friend telling you they only have tacos and burritos, maybe because that’s all they like or all they’ve ever tried. But the actual menu has enchiladas and quesadillas and tamales and tostadas and more.

That is, of course, a pretty benign (if culinarily cruel!) example. And this may seem obvious to a lot of you, and it is to me now, but our society LOVES false dichotomies.

Because it’s shorthand, it provides for quick reference, and everything is much easier for you to think about if there’s only two options. But also because our entire society is predicated on the notion of the false cis binary matrix. There is A or Z and nothing in between.

You can see in my thread on TERFs that even biological sex isn’t remotely confined to only two options. Not by a long shot. There’s a lot of great science linked in that thread, so definitely have a look if you missed it.

But today’s post isn’t about sex or gender, at least not on the surface. I’m a woman, so some might see that as part of a binary choice, but I’m a TRANS woman which is certainly not the same as a cis woman. Thus I am outside the cisgender binary matrix of society.

The earliest I can remember society’s preference for false dichotomies happened pretty young, when I was in grade school. And if any place is about trying to put every kid into some neat little box, that’s sadly a lot of our public schools.

So let’s just get it out there: I’m a nerd. I am a giant, shining, sparkling, unrepentant nerd (you may have noticed!). From the first time I understood what science fiction was, I was in IN. LOVE.

I spent my time wrapped in Star Trek and Star Wars and every bit of sci-fi I could find. Fantasy, too. I was DEEP into Dungeons & Dragons and a lot of other tabletop role-playing games (and still am!) and even as a KID, invented my own ttrgps on multiple occasions.

I went to two different high schools, and at the first I was on the competitive chess team and I was pretty damned good. I even have Unbelievable Chess Tournament Stories (I told you I was a nerd). At my second high school, I was on the Academic Team.

THE ACADEMIC TEAM. The very name reeks of nerdiness, damn. If you’re unfamiliar with that, it’s basically schools playing Jeopardy against each other. I was never good enough to make it to the main team rotation, my memory wasn’t good or fast enough, but I loved it anyway.

I love video games and comic books (long before they reached the mainstream cultural saturation they have today) and board games, and if there was anything kids thought of as nerdy, I was probably a big fan.

Now that I’ve painted you a stunning picture of the depth of my geekitude, I’m gonna throw a whole bucket of paint all over it, because: I also loved sports. A LOT. Especially baseball.

Not just in the nerdy aspect, either, which baseball admittedly lends itself to with all of its entirely ludicrous and deep statistical tracking… which is maybe the only part of baseball that hardly interests me. Beyond batting average and ERA, sorry, I just. Don’t. Care.

But the sport itself I LOVED. I played it every summer as a kid in little league and couldn’t wait for it to start up every year. I honestly can’t remember if I was very good or not. I remember a couple amazing plays I made, those stuck with me, but that doesn’t tell you much.

I also played soccer, and this one I know I was pretty good at. I played tennis and volleyball (I LOVED volleyball, maybe the sport I was the best at) and I was on the track and cross country teams.

I was SO DISMAYED to find out my first high school, which was HUGE… did not have a volleyball team. Or rather, they did. FOR GIRLS. But not for boys. That definitely didn’t help my pining to be a girl, by the way! 👀

My second high school had a boy’s volleyball team, I think? I can’t remember now. Because by then I was already giving up on sports, and I’ll tell you why.

I was never, EVER a jock. The jocks never thought I was, and they were all basically jerks so I never wanted to be one anyway. They knew I was into nerdy stuff, because I never hid it, and they made me suffer for it.

So in my first high school, freshman year, I went to baseball tryouts! I was SO EXCITED. I was number 66, we had to have it on our shirts somehow, and I ruined a perfectly good shirt by drawing the number on it in sharpie all fancy-like.

I’d never really been attached to any numbers like a lot of other athletes were, but now maybe I would be! This was MY number! The one that got me into high school baseball and then maybe college baseball and who knows maybe I’d be good enough to go pro someday!

The day of the tryouts came… and it rained. No big deal, they’d just shift it to another day, right? No. Again, the school was HUGE. I don’t know if it was logistical or the baseball program was just run by dickheads, but they went ahead with it… INDOOR.

They moved it into the huge gymnasium. We did stretches and got warmed up, and then… what? What the hell were they going to do? We were in a gym! You can’t play baseball in a high school gym, even a pretty big one.

Well, they lined us up and… hit us some ground balls, and judged us on how well we fielded them.

Now I don’t know about you, but I played baseball on dirt and grass. I was… a kid. I’d never played on an artificial surface before, much less A HARD WOODEN FLOOR THAT NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER PLAY BASEBALL ON (yes, I’m still sensitive about it. apparently.)

So the coach hit the ball, and… I missed it. Entirely. Wasn’t even close. Because I had NO IDEA how a baseball would bounce off a polished wooden floor, and it went a way I didn’t expect.

That was it! Failed that test, off you went. Done. That was my ENTIRE tryout for the team. There were probably hundreds of kids there, I know they had to cut the field down somehow, but COME ON.

To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. The jocks all laughed. They somehow did fine! How? What dark magic did they use to get their ground balls to bounce right toward them while mine skewed left at a 75 degree angle?

Maybe I wasn’t actually good enough to make the team, and that’d be fine, but I never even got to find out. Everyone said it was because I was a nerd and just not cut out for sports… despite my love for them and having played baseball all my life.

And the awful sickening thing is I BELIEVED THEM. Because it wasn’t just the jocks telling me that, was it? SOCIETY says you’re a jock or a nerd (or maybe just someone who’s neither), but nobody is BOTH. That’s not how it works.

I was WELL into adulthood before I got fed up and re-embraced my love of sports right alongside my nerdiness. That happened long before I figured out I was trans, yet it feels like it was a big part of it.

Because I had to get to a point where I believed society was wrong and could go screw itself, and I was going to like whatever I liked. Relatedly, there’s no such thing as a “guilty pleasure.” Don’t believe that crap. Like what you like. Who cares what anyone else thinks!

Unless your guilty pleasure is, like… bigotry or murder. In that case, no, maybe don’t embrace those.

But once you notice false dichotomies, you begin seeing them everywhere. Men are muscular, women are soft! Except no, men can be soft and women can be muscular. I’M a muscular woman! I’ve always dug ladies with muscles, but society isn’t often kind to them, is it?

For more on that, see the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING and all the ways every human does it, and how for me a big part of that was using exercise to reshape my body.

So I bucked the trend there, too. I do the same with my taste in music! Well wait, you can like “real” rock or you can like “fluffy” pop, not both right? Nah, screw that.

I like Journey, The Rolling Stones, Guns ‘n Roses, Fall Out Boy, All Time Low. I LOVE Muse and The Pretty Reckless and AC/DC. But I also like Taylor Swift, Lizzo, Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Carly Rae Jepsen. I LOVE Ariana Grande and The Chicks…

In thinking about it, I’ve wondered if this is also why my favorite artists are P!nk and Queen… because both can ROCK THE HELL OUT, and both can go light and poppy, and both often experiment with all kinds of styles in between.

They defy convention. They won’t be put into neat little boxes. That speaks to me a lot. P!nk specifically, as a woman, has had to deal with a music industry that tried to change her, that didn’t understand her.

She had an extended moment in her recent Beautiful Trauma tour, a video package during an extensive costume change, that covered her talking to her young daughter about this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The first time I saw that bit, in 2018, it was like a jolt that shook me awake. I think it was that concert, and possibly that exact moment, where I first truly felt everything would be okay if I transitioned. There’s a Trans Tuesday all about that coming up.

P!nk’s and Queen’s songs and voices speak to me most, but I don’t think I can discount how important it is to see part of myself reflected in the ways they value their own creative expression, and the way they will be whoever the hell they want to be.

All of this is to say you can like sports AND sci-fi. You can like rock AND pop. You can like buff ladies and soft bois and every type of human in between. You can like leather AND lace. Hot AND cold. Indoors AND outdoors. The sky AND the sea.

Don’t buy into the false dichotomy, it’s all bullshit. Don’t let society tell you who you are or what you can or cannot like.

Be YOU, whoever that might be. Even if that means casting off every single label society has saddled you with, INCLUDING THE GENDER YOU WERE ASSIGNED AT BIRTH.

Rock on, friends. 🤘


Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

me with long curly brown hair and curly bangs, with a pink bow in my hair, in dark eyeliner and light pink lipstick, wearing pink-framed cat-eye glasses and a blue off-the-shoulder top… and I’m throwin’ up the horns!

Trans 101 Trans Life

THE ERASURE OF TRANS MEN

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing a big problem that’s cropped up in our society that you might not have noticed, but it’s high time you did. We’re talking THE ERASURE OF TRANS MEN.

So, hey, obviously trans men exist, and this is a thing you’re aware of. But in so much of the discourse around transness, both good and bad, trans men are left out of the conversation. So let’s discuss the ways they’re left out and why that is.

The most recent and likely biggest way they’ve been left out is in the discussions over abortion rights and Roe falling. Everyone who actually cares about rights and bodily autonomy was outraged, but… almost universally it was about WOMEN.

WOMEN WOMEN WOMEN. Now listen, I am a woman! I love women. We’re just super in every way. BUT NOT ALL WOMEN CAN GET PREGNANT (be they cis or trans), but also SOME TRANS MEN CAN GET PREGNANT AND THIS AFFECTS THEM TOO.

I wrote about this right after Roe fell, in the Trans Tuesday on TRANS RAGE, aka Stop Forgetting About Us.

A reminder that the fight for abortion rights AND the fight for trans rights (and disability rights) are the exact same fight. It all boils down to bodily autonomy, and how everyone deserves it and the EXACT same group of people, led by cishet white men, don’t want us to have it.

There’s a trans tuesday all about BODILY AUTONOMY, and how I never felt like I had it before transitioning, and how that’s all tied in with my tattoo.

Trans men are at the intersection of the fight for abortion rights and trans rights, and if you need a reminder of what TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY is all about (and you absolutely DO if you’re leaving trans men out of the fight for abortion rights), here’s the Trans Tuesday on that.

But trans men are often left out of so, so much more than that. Look at trans rep in the media, such as it is. Paltry in the best of terms, and still often harmful. It’s anecdotal, but see the Trans Tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 for a snapshot of what it’s like.

And you’ll even see right in that, there was a horribly transphobic joke in one show that was one hundred percent based on ignoring the very idea of trans men. They’re forgotten or discarded, often in service of hurting other trans people.

They’re often also completely ignored in a lot of the legislative transphobia making its way through courthouses all across the country. And I don’t mean that those horrid laws don’t affect them, because they ABSOLUTELY do. As much as any trans person.

But their existence is completely forgotten about in the arguments in favor of those bigoted laws… BECAUSE THEY DISPROVE AND DISMANTLE TRANSPHOBIC ARGUMENTS.

These laws are almost wholly focused on trans women and girls, and we’ll get to why in a minute. But let’s look at two of the biggest bigoted issues used to justify legislating and legalizing bigotry against us: trans people in sports, and bathroom bills.

As a basis, you need to know how the entire TRANS SPORTS hullaballoo is COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE on every scientific level. Here’s the Trans Tuesday on it, which will show you how there’s not a lick of science or fact behind it.

But their entire, faulty, bigoted argument is that trans women competing against cis women have an unfair advantage because we may (I stress, MAY) have higher levels of testosterone. I’m not going to re-debunk that here, so DO check out that Trans Tuesday I just linked you to.

But if that WERE the case (it’s not, but even if it were), why do you never hear a PEEP from them about trans men competing against cis men? Especially when many trans men ARE TAKING TESTOSTERONE AS PART OF HRT?

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will clarify again so nobody misconstrues: I do not want trans men to be discriminated against or for these laws to focus more on them, goodness no.

But if the bigots’ argument is that it’s the TESTOSTERONE that gives trans women an unfair advantage, why don’t they ever complain about the people who are actually adding it to their bodies?

Because trans men HAVE been competing against cis men (just like trans women HAVE been competing against cis women) for decades and guessssss what? THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY UNFAIR ADVANTAGE WHATSOEVER.

And if people who are willfully injecting testosterone to make their bodies align with their gender don’t have an unfair advantage, how the entire hell could people who are SUPPRESSING their testosterone have an unfair advantage? Ignoring trans men here is willful ignorance.

In terms of the bathroom bills, all you ever hear about is the “danger” of we trans women being in women’s bathrooms, because society continues to paint us as nothing more than sexual predators who are “men in dresses” and that we only do it to assault women.

Never mind that cis men assault women all the time, right in public, and don’t need to be dressed as women to do it. Never mind that no cis man who wanted to sexually assault women would go through everything we trans women go through just to perpetrate an assault.

Never mind that most sexual assaults happen with someone the victim already knows. Never mind that even the most cursory search of news stories will show you it’s something that NEVER happens, yet trans women are ROUTINELY the victims of sexual assault ourselves.

Have you ever heard ANY of those bigots talk about trans men in men’s bathrooms? Nope. Why? Why would they just ignore that? Why the hell do you think?

Because what their bigoted laws are suggesting is that if you send trans women into men’s bathrooms (where we’re very likely to be assaulted), then you must also send TRANS MEN into women’s bathrooms.

This is who bigots think should be using women’s bathrooms.

Aydian Dowling, the first trans man on the cover of Men’s Health magazine

Laith Ashley, model and actor

Brian Michael Smith, actor

Elliot Fletcher, actor

Do you see? Do you understand? The only reason bigots ignore trans men is because their very existence disproves the ENTIRE line of attack against trans people that is almost exclusively targeted at trans women.

And why is that? Well if you haven’t figured it out already, it’s misogyny. Specifically transmisogyny, but also it’s just the hatred of women in general. Because trans men rejected womanhood to be their true selves, and society is perfectly okay with that.

Well, in general. There’s still definitely a portion of transphobes who think trans men are “confused lesbians” which is complete and utter nonsense but also ignores all the gay trans men and look, how can you not see how transparent this all is?

But misogyny permeates every corner of our society. It’s why “tomboys” are accepted and even celebrated, but a man who’s even slightly effeminate is ridiculed and mocked and often attacked. Masculinity is celebrated, femininity is ridiculed.

And we trans woman, who society “gifted” with manhood, REJECTED IT. We said NAH and threw it away. And in the false cis binary matrix of society, there is no greater threat to rich, able-bodied, cishet white men’s power than rejecting masculinity.

And that trans men want masculinity, but not THAT masculinity, and DON’T wield it like a weapon of oppression as society dictates, and have by and large completely rejected toxic masculinity… also disproves absolutely EVERYTHING society wants you to believe about men.

Trans men aren’t out there assaulting women, CIS men are. And it’s not the victim blaming refrain of how women dress (UGH) because guess what, trans men see the same women. They don’t have impulse control problems. They don’t use their masculinity to hurt others.

Trans men are a shining beacon that disprove absolutely everything the false binary of society wants you to believe. So the only way bigots can perpetrate their hate is by ignoring their existence altogether. But those of us who aren’t bigots MUST do better.

We NEED to be allies to trans men. They’re an important and vital part of this fight, they show us everything beautiful a man can be, and they are our brothers who deserve respect.

And it’s high time we started showing it.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship Trans 101 Trans Life

THE CONSTANT FIGHT

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Today we’re talking about what everyday existence is like for trans people, living in a cis-made world that doesn’t account for our existence, or worse, tries to stop it. Here comes THE CONSTANT FIGHT (of existing while trans).

Does the above gif of the Burly Brawl from Matrix Reloaded confuse you? Stick with me, I’ll explain it in a bit. Truly! I’m not gonna start lyin’ to you now, six years into these essays.

I’m going to begin by talking about a specific issue trans people face, which will open the door to the larger topic.

I think most folks are familiar with the “security theater” we have at airports in the United States, and the way things have gone way off the rails since September 11, 2001. But what you probably don’t know is how much worse it got for trans people.

When you’re going through security at an airport now, one of two things happens. You can go through the scanner, or you can get a security pat down. Sometimes you get both. So what’s the issue?

First let me say there are big ethical concerns with the scanners, they’re discriminatory in a lot of ways against some ethnicities and cultures, and if you’re not familiar with that please do some research. But today I’m just talking about it in relation to us trans people.

Did you know those TSA scanners have different options the operator must select when scanning someone? Male or female. Never mind that nonbinary people exist. Never mind that intersex people exist. Never mind that trans men and women exist. There are even cis people whose bodies don’t conform to what those categories imply. 

Let’s say there’s a trans woman on HRT who has not had bottom surgery, which means they have to tuck in public (see TUCKING AND BINDING for more). She is a woman. Her ID says female. If she’s going through the scanner, based on her appearance, or presentation, or even based on ID, let’s say the operator correctly indicates female.

It scans her, and registers an anomaly at her crotch. Not only is she now possibly out to all the TSA agents present (which brings its own dangers as they may be transphobes), they have to resolve the situation. Two options: pat her down, or flip the switch and indicate to scan male.

This misgenders her. It scans her, and it registers her bra and breasts as an “anomaly,” which is certainly how the bigots in society want you to think about trans people. And the only option they have left to get her through security is a pat down.

So now a stranger is going to manhandle her breasts to be sure she’s not smuggling weapons in her bra, and be sure that they’re “really” breasts, and is going to manhandle her crotch to see what’s down there.

Either way, again, she’s suddenly out as trans to (or registered as trans by) all the TSA employees present, and everyone else in line who are now wondering what the hold up is. 

Knowing the awful violence trans women face, you maybe see extra dangers here. You maybe also see the potential for sexual assault. And we have to go through all of this just because we want to fly somewhere.

And it’s even worse than that. Here’s a story about a trans girl who was ordered to be strip searched when trying to pass through security. She even told them she was trans, but it didn’t make a bit of difference.

Some choice quotes from that article:

“…detected an anomaly on her groin…”

We are not anomalies, we’re human beings.

“They wanted her to take down her pants and underwear for visual inspection.”

No one should have to do that, especially not a kid.

“…(she) has continued to experience symptoms of emotional distress including anxiety, shortness of breath, uncontrollable shaking and nausea when reminded of the incident.”

Yeah, it’s fucking traumatic.

“It’s only a binary option. It’s based basically on the operator’s assumption based on a person’s appearance.”

Do you see how this even hurts cis people? It should be enough that it hurts trans people, but it also hurts everyone else!

Are you a cis lady with broad shoulders? Or a strong jawline? Maybe they’ll just hit that male button. Are you a cis man with a rounded face? Or are you shorter with narrower shoulders? Maybe they’ll hit that female button.

A stranger just gets to take one glance at you and decide if you’re “male or female enough.” Does that not completely enrage you? The gender binary, THE FALSE DICHOTOMY, hurts cis people too. It’s all about policing gender conformity.

“Trans men and trans women and nonbinary people often get flagged because they don’t meet the societally defined definitions of what male and female bodies should look like.” 

Neither do a lot of cis people. Why, it’s almost as if those definitions are part of the problem!

“The stereotypical definition of what should or shouldn’t be on a male or female body is problematic, and it doesn’t reflect the reality of real bodies in society.”

Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrect.

“Nearly one in five transgender travelers have reported being harassed or disrespected by airport security screeners or other airport workers, according to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey.”

Not even just flagged as an “anomaly,” but harassed or disrespected.

“It just felt very invasive because I was a child, and he was an adult, and I didn’t really feel like I had the choice to advocate for not wanting to be touched inappropriately.”

How is it okay to do this to anyone? Especially children?? Why is it okay?!

You can read several trans people’s accounts of dealing with this issue here.

“Transgender travelers are ‘particularly vulnerable to invasive searches at airport checkpoints’ … trans and non-binary people can be forced to discuss their genitals with TSA agents in non-private areas, are sometimes subject to invasive pat-downs by officers they don’t consent to, forced to reveal their genitals to TSA agents, or otherwise humiliated following full-body scans.”

“Ah, but there’s a way around it,” I hear some dense and defensive cis people shout. The TSA Pre-check. Uh huh, sure. But that costs $85. 

And uh… do you know how much transitioning costs? And how trans people often lose employment when coming out? See the 2022 US Trans Survey Report parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 for more on the conditions trans people are living under.

So for our tiny marginalized population, many of whom often experience money problems due to the way our society is set up to shun and punish us… a lot of us aren’t going to be able to afford that. Too bad! Just announce yourself as trans to strangers, and let them touch you.

There’s no easy way out of this for trans people, not until the TSA fixes it. There are some reports the machines may be less “picky” about trans people now, but that’s subjective and unconfirmed. But this has been a problem for like, what, almost twenty years now? More? They still haven’t done anything about it.

“Just go BOYMODE,” the ignorant people cry. Which, one: I shouldn’t have to put on a costume and pretend to be someone I’m not just to not get assaulted, two: would be incredibly painful and bring my GENDER DYSPHORIA flooding back, and three: wouldn’t work anyway because I have boobs the scanner would pick up. 

Can you imagine how horrible this situation is? I have tons of places I’d love to visit someday… people I’d love to see. Oh but wait, in a lot of places my healthcare is now illegal, I’d have to worry that if there was an emergency and I had to go to a hospital they’d stop my HRT and thus medically detransition me, and in 63% of this country the TRANS PANIC “defense” is a legal excuse to inflict violence upon me.

And here’s where it dovetails from one specific bad issue into our topic of the constant fight… because so very much of our society is exactly like this for trans people, to different degrees.

So, what’s that gif from Matrix Reloaded all about? I explain it in my book Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix, so read that if you want more, but the gist is: throughout all the Matrix films, Neo is on a transition journey to his true, real, self-actualized self: Trinity (yes, really). In those films, Agent Smith is the personification of transphobia.

And that Burly Brawl scene in the gif is representative of this exact thing: the constant fight of existing while trans. The section of the book about that scene is routinely the most impactful section when I’ve done readings at bookstores, or on podcasts, and seems to pretty effectively convey the issue to folks. So I’m gonna give you that excerpt.


All right, so let’s talk about the Burly Brawl. Yes it’s spectacular and amazing to watch, yes it’s clever and original and something never seen before and rarely seen since, but that’s all surface-level stuff. 

What you have to understand is this brawl is a manifestation of every damned day of our entire lives existing as an out trans person in this world. Sure you can abstractly understand “life is a constant fight,” but that glosses over it. You don’t really understand.

It’s every time we’re deadnamed, intentional or not.

It’s every time we’re misgendered, intentional or not.

It’s airport security scanners reading us as “anomalies” because we don’t conform to one of two binary buttons the TSA agents have to press so the machine knows what it’s scanning.

It’s the false dichotomy society wants to force everyone into.

It’s states taking away our right to public bathrooms, despite all actual evidence showing trans women in public women’s bathrooms cause no issues whatsoever.

It’s states taking away the rights of trans people to play sports with other people of our same gender, despite actual science being entirely on our side.

It’s states taking away our rights to access the healthcare we need.

It’s cis people being the gatekeepers of that healthcare.

It’s cis people being the gatekeepers of whether or not we’re allowed to legally change our names and gender markers.

It’s the “trans panic defense” that’s still legal in half the United States.

It’s having to present in boymode/girlmode when we go out sometimes so that cis people will leave us alone.

It’s having to count on cis people to include us in movies and television because there aren’t enough trans people behind the scenes who can make that happen on our own (and often that representation is stereotypical, transphobic, or outright harmful… in most media made by cis people we’re often only the butt of a joke or a victim of violence).

It’s people stealing our voices and twisting our words to suit their own ends.

It’s TERFs.

It’s tucking and binding so cis people won’t be uncomfortable with our bodies and possibly decide to assault us.

It’s spending two years and counting in voice therapy to help you gender me correctly in public and on the phone.

It’s my own healthcare provider, who’s covered all of my transition, having no way to denote a trans person in their system… meaning that despite having no uterus, I keep getting reminders to get my regular pap smear, and they likely have already forgotten I’ll need prostate exams.

It’s cis people (rightfully) protesting and becoming activists when Roe fell, and saying that was the start of the fascists coming for everyone… when they came for trans rights first and have been attacking our bodily autonomy for years. We’ve yelled and screamed and begged people to help, and the general cisgender population has… shrugged, and left us to fend for ourselves.

It’s cis people leaving trans men and non-binary people with uteruses entirely out of the abortion discussion, as if they don’t exist and need access to the same reproductive care.

It’s us having to beg cis people to vote for other cis people who will respect our human rights and treat us as equals every single election and still having so much of this country not give a damn.

It’s waking up every day to more news of trans kids being excluded or barred from receiving health care that’s been clearly outlined for them by every major medical association.

It’s the purposeful erasure of trans people from history, despite the fact that we’ve always existed, it just wasn’t safe to be open about it and we didn’t always have the terminology to describe it.

It’s people forgetting or actively denying that LGBTQIA+ people were rounded up by the Nazis in the Holocaust, and when the Allies came to free everyone who was still alive they left the LGBTQIA+ people in the fucking camps.

And keep in mind all of that is compounded for trans women of color, and even more so for Black trans women, all of whom have it much more difficult than I do.

If you’re a cis person and you want to truly feel the weight of this fight and what it’s about, read all (all) the Trans Tuesday essays that reference anything I just mentioned above. 

Then, and only then, will you begin to understand the weight of the Burly Brawl and what’s really happening. 

This is the Burly Brawl. This is what the cis binary status quo has made existence like for trans people. This is the constant fight. And that’s not even all of it! There’s so much more! I’ve only given you a starting point. Do you have some idea now of the magnitude of the dangers and aggression we face? This is the society cis people set up for us, and the Burly Brawl is every day of our lives trying to live within it.

And despite that, we persist. That’s not something we do on a whim! Or for kicks! Or because it’s the hot new trend! And so here is Neo, reaffirming his transness and his decision to transition… realizing what it means, what the world has become for him and for all trans people. This is why he’s afraid. This is why there are walls around his heart. Every one of these Smiths is a misgendering, is a cis gatekeeper of trans healthcare, is a piece of legislation making it impossible for trans kids to exist, is a person assaulting us for who we are, is deadnaming. And so much more.

All at once.

Welcome to being trans in the cis binary matrix.


Every facet of our society fights us everywhere we turn, it never ends, and we can’t change it on our own. Living as a trans person should not be a constant fight!

So, cis people… when will you decide to help put a stop to it?

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


ADDENDUM 6/15/26

I’ve gotten some more information on the airport scanner issue, which has actually been very difficult to find information on. There’s this article, which mentions trans woman Amy Paris working with the Biden administration (and other administrations prior) to make things better for trans people, including the X gender marker on passports (now being rescinded by the Trump administration) and trying to effect change to the airport scanners.

There’s also this report from 2023, from the US Government Accountability Office, which was recommending and pushing for change to the airport scanners.

In July 2023, TSA officials told us that, in June 2023, the agency completed deployment of the algorithm update to its advanced imaging technology machines at about 340 airports. TSA officials stated that they collected data at 20 selected airports from May 2023 through June 2023 during its annual resource planning assessment to verify that the update was working as intended.
TSA reported that preliminary results show that approximately 25 to 27 percent of passengers received a pat-down when using the updated machines at the selected airports. Officials stated that the 2022 assessment found that about 52 percent of passengers received a patdown.

Cutting the number of invasive patdowns in half is great news, but also, according to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics, as of 2024 the United States had 5,176 public airports. I could find no information on if more than the initial 340 airports had received the updated algorithm, which means only 6.6% are confirmed to have been changed. The number may be much higher, but I could not locate any information on that. And the status of these updates, and whether the new algorithm has remained in place under the Trump administration, is unknown.

If only that small percentage of airport scanners have been updated, this obviously remains a huge issue for trans people. If they’ve somehow all been changed, and this one issue (of the scanners, any TSA outing and patdown for trans passengers is still a problem) has gotten better, hooray! If only that would happen for the 16,923 other vectors of oppression and othering we also face. Because the scanners are just one example of a system-wide problem that attacks us from all angles.

Any improvement is good, but one area getting better doesn’t change the overall constant fight that we’re presently under. But it all starts somewhere.

Trans 101 Trans Life

CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN 1: EXPLANATION AND EXAMPLES

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Today’s topic is a very real problem trans women have to deal with. Cis folks, specifically cis men, especially white men, especially heterosexual men, super especially cishet white men, please pay attention. Here comes CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN 1: EXPLANATION AND EXAMPLES.

This is a serious and really important topic, but before we get into it I have a warning for you. In order for you to truly understand what we trans women go through, I’m going to show you what it’s like for us. Every day, everywhere we go, no matter what we do. Especially online, but it happens in person, too. A bit less so, though, because the perpetrators don’t want to out themselves as attracted to trans women (because heaven forbid).

I’m splitting this into two parts, because to accurately hit you with the reality of this, you need to experience the flood, which makes this installment rather long. 

So this week we’re going to talk about what chasers are and what they do, and next week we’re going to talk about the origin of the entire chaser movement, and how people react when you call chasers out.

There will be many horrible, uncomfortable, and sometimes explicit things discussed. 

I’ll be talking about them in a purely non-explicit way, but I’m not censoring the examples themselves (beyond hiding some of the screennames, for reasons I will explain).

This is your official and only warning. Mountains of horribleness follow.

And it’s important for you to get a taste of what it is we go through.

A “chaser” is someone (almost universally cis men, almost universally white) who fetishizes trans women. They flood our DMs and follow us around the internet and generally hound us as objects of desire, while simultaneously not seeing us as people, human beings, or supporting trans rights. Quiiiiiiite the opposite, in fact. They are, often, gigantic transphobes.

Before we go further let me make this clear: I am sex-positive and there is nothing wrong with anyone being attracted to trans women (you should be, we’re awesome). I also support sex workers who are adults who choose that line of work for themselves, where everything is consensual.

But there is a very real issue for trans women where many feel forced into sex work, because it’s one of the only ways our society has said it’s okay for trans women to exist. See the essays on THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS part 1, 2, 3, and 4, to see exactly how many trans people lose homes and jobs after coming out, how many of us live beneath the poverty line (so many), and how many of us have been unhoused (thirty percent!).

With transphobic laws somehow at a new all-time high every year, with discrimination against us legalized in ever more horrible ways, for many trans women sex work is all that’s left open to them to survive. And nobody should be forced into sex work for any reason, much less just to be able to eat!

My point is this is not meant to be a discussion on the merits or drawbacks of porn or sex work. This is about how trans women are routinely fetishized and so many feel forced to lean into that fetishization.

Feeling forced into sex work as the only way to survive and be “accepted” (by certain awful parts of society), and what that does to a person, and how it can only ever be a temporary solution at best (because the patriarchy values youth over age and many will invariably age out of being able to support themselves via sex work), is examined in stunning depth in The Matrix films. Yes, really. It’s what The Merovingian is all about. See my book Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix for more.

I personally know trans ladies who’ve felt forced into sex work because they had no other option. It’s the one thing one very bad portion of our society has decided it’s okay for us to do: exist as nothing more than sex objects for cis white men.

We’re routinely one of the biggest and most popular porn categories. It’s getting marginally better in some places with them actually calling us trans women, but in many we’re not even that. We’re “shemales” or “dickgirls” or “chicks with dicks” or “girlyboys.”

There are so many terms they call us anything other than “trans women” that I’ve not even listed here. It’s remarkable the lengths that have been gone to in order to dehumanize us as nothing more than sex objects, based on our genitalia and gender.

And that’s extra harmful when you realize for a lot of trans women it’s that very external genitalia that is the biggest source of gender dysphoria. Can you imagine being valued only for the part of your body you hate the most?

Some of the terms are actually even more harmful on their own. Trans ladies who can pass as cis (see MISGENDERING AND PASSING) are sometimes called “traps,” as in “you think they’re a cis woman and then when they get naked they’re not! It’s a trap!”

The “trans women are tricksters and deceivers!” trope still pops up in our media a lot, sadly, and it’s still perpetuating this horrible nonsense. See 2025 TRANS REP IN MEDIA parts 1-4 for a particularly egregious example of this from season two of Poker Face.

This all furthers the painting of us as deceptive manipulators and possible sex offenders, and increases the danger and violence we face. But who cares as long as cis white dudes who fetishize us can get their rocks off, right?

So let’s talk about what it’s like being a trans woman on the internet. We’re not even going to talk about the bigotry we have to deal with on top of all this right now (though we will next week, for reasons you may be surprised to learn).

The week I publicly came out as trans, the chasers found me and the DM flood started. They waste no time. Do they seek out newly out trans ladies thinking we’re not numb to it all already? Or that we’re more vulnerable to anyone suddenly using our correct pronouns? You bet they do.

It doesn’t matter what we post or where we post it, if we exist anywhere online the chasers will find us and make themselves known. They hound me in SCRABBLE, where I try to go for some downtime, but can’t even escape them there.

Three messages from a guy that read: Hellp Tripin you look so beautiful. Hello tripindicular. Hello tripin you look so beautiful.

For a while I tried seeing what would happen if I pretended to be a bot. You can see how even that didn’t deter them. Can’t stop because maybe I’m not a bot and am a trans woman they can harass!

Chaser messages me: How are you doing today? My reply: Bravoblue reply017 </1001011>. Chaser: Where are you chatting from? My reply: Tangogreen reply 161 </110001>. Chaser: Where are you chatting from?

These may look innocent to you, but babes, we’re only getting started. I know those guys are chasers because I know chaser behavior, because I cannot ever escape it. I’ve got years of experience to drown in. Keep reading.

I’ll now give you a window into what my DMs, replies, and mentions across social media look like. Most examples will be from Instagram, because the user base there is particularly awful and they have some of the worst controls to moderate your experience. But know that it truly happens everywhere. I mean, they do it in the Scrabble app, so.

I’ve blocked some usernames and handles, but left some others. Again, I’ll discuss why that is later on.

What you’re about to see is like one percent of what I get every single time I post a selfie (which I’m not gonna stop doing just to stop the chasers). You can read about why selfies are actually important for trans people in PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS and PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.

So anytime I post a photo of myself, no matter what it is, or what I am doing in the photo, or the clothes I am wearing, the next time I log in my DM notifications look like this. All of these accounts are strangers:

Responses, all from different accounts with names redacted, reading: how are you cute girl? [five kiss emoji, one tongue emoji], kissable and fuckable, hey hows you, heart eye emoji, hey, hi, hi

Responses, all from different accounts with names redacted, reading: hi, hello sunshine how’re you doing honey, hello, hello beautiful lady good morning, hello, hi

Responses, all from different accounts with names redacted, reading: hello, hey i’m a submissive bottom boy, hello pretty lady how are you doing

And then, multiple times a week, I will log on and discover chasers who’ve found my profile and gone through and liked every photo I have ever posted, often within the same hour, also often within the same minute.

Screenshot of the same user liking multiple photos of mine all within the same minute
Screenshot of the same user liking multiple photos of mine all within the same hour

They don’t even pay attention to what they’re liking because they’re in a blind lust frenzy. Look at this dude:

The same guy who liked dozens of my photos within the same minute, and left replies including: (on a photo of me with my wife) [dna emoji] BFF sisters for life [100 emoji], [ring emjoi] will make a good [bride emoji] wife some day [church emoji], so hot [fire emoji] with black on [black heart emoji]

Still the same guy who liked dozens of my photos within the same minute, and left replies including: (on a transition timeline photo) [heart emoji] the new u, [clap emoji] such an amazing woman [high heel emoji], [heart eye emoji] u be like a goddess [heart emoji], and also a [honey pot emoji] sweet smile [hearts around smiling face emoji], wow [blush emoji] u have such cute eyes [eyes looking emoji]

Do note that on a picture with my lovely wife Susan, in which the caption said we were married and it was our anniversary, he wrote:

[DNA emoji] BFF sisters for life [100 emoji]… and then on another photo commented: [ring emoji] will make a good [bride emoji] wife some day [church emoji].

Creepy as hell, and also not remotely paying attention to what he’s liking as the flop sweat forms on his brow and he imagines I will see his amazing replies and, what… ask to meet up and have sex with him and eventually marry him?? It’s so baffling.

And it’s definitely what they all seem to want. Some of them don’t even try to hide it, and in fact just advertise it right in their usernames. As if it’s somehow going to be a turn on to any living human being, and not as repulsive as thirteen week old cabbage?

Screenshot of an account called “spermanator_aka_wreckless” liking a ton of my photos all within the same minute

Maybe they’re just interested and hoping to get a date, Tilly, what’s wrong with that? Haaaahahaha. Just like the dudes on Scrabble who aren’t even deterred when I act like a bot, they don’t take no for an answer.

I want you to know, for all these following examples where I replied to the chaser: I usually don’t. I specifically replied to these guys to show you what they’re like. Because I know some other cishet white guys out there will claim it was all innocent, or I’m just imagining things.

Yeah sure. So let’s see about that, why don’t we?

Comment from a guy: hmu baby [heart emoji]. Me: nah. Same guy: hmu. Me: what part of “nah” do you not understand?

It’s… constant. And absolutely none of them even have anything original to say.

Sam999_hh says: did you need to see my [two cucumber emoji]. Me: absolutely never.

So let’s take a peek into my actual DMs! Think it gets any better there? As you saw before from just the previews of my DMs, one of their favorite things to do is just say… hi. I guarantee you they’re all chasers, nobody sends a DM to someone they don’t know and says nothing but “hi”.

An account on instagram with 1 follower and zero posts DMs me “hi” seven times in a row 

The “hi” over and over again is a known chaser thing, believe it or not. 

And then there’s the guys who just jump right in without even a hello, presuming I’m going to like what they say and… want more of it? Again, I cannot fathom what they’re hoping is going to happen by sending this to me. I’ve asked many of them but none will ever tell me.

Guy who DM’d me with a reply to a selfie of mine and the message: u make me horny as fuck [hot sweaty emoji] [tongue emoji]

And then there’s the ones who think trans women are here to answer every explicit sex question on their mind. Because, as nothing more than a sex object to them, surely we have the answers and are happy to talk to strangers about sex.

Never mind that I’m not even into dudes and have never, and will never, have sex with one.

Guy with 1 follower and 0 posts DMs me: hii. Can i ask you something? Me: ? Guy: I am a man, i want to try anal sex but i am scared. You think what I should do?
Dm from safcsteve on instagram: If you had a choice would you watch me wank or watch me finger my ass for the first time ever?

And of course, everyone’s least favorite chaser, the dick pic-er.

becausehassan6 on instagram DM’s me a link to a photo.

“How do you know it was a dick pic, Tilly?? It only says it’s a photo, it could be anything!” 

Come on. 

“Why don’t you just report it then??” 

To report it I have to know it’s actually a dick pic. So I looked. Guess what it was? So I reported it.

Do you… do you think it worked?

I’ve got news for you.

Reply from instagram on the dick pic I reported: We didn’t remove becuasehassan6’s account.

This is also your reminder that Meta platforms (Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Threads) have recently changed their terms of service to explicitly allow slurs and hate speech against trans people, while not allowing it for any other group.

And then there’s the scammers. 

Screenshot of a dm I received: Hello i’m in seek of an online sugar baby relationship, let me know if you anyway interested…I mean with a weekly allowance of $2000 no nude [kiss emoji]

If you think these dudes don’t specifically target trans women, who often have no money, I don’t know what to tell you.

One time my birthday selfies brought out a couple chaser varieties I’d not seen before… like this dude here, who I’m not even going to try to unpack.

Guy in my DMs: Hiiiii. Am karthik. From india. How are you. U are looking gorgeous.
Guy: why don’t you try traditional Indian clothes. It will suit you. [then he sends links to three different traditional women’s garments from India]

Annnnnnd then I got what may be one of the creepiest chasers yet.

Guy in my DMs: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm Yesssssssss [tons of kissing and heart eye emoji]
Notifications in my DMs: audio call at 2 am, missed audio call. Audio call at 2 am, missed audio call. Video call at 2 am, missed video call.

“I still think it’s somehow all innocent, Tilly, because I am dim and have bad opinions! Maybe they’re nice guys who just don’t know they’re being creepy! Why don’t you explain and try to educate them?”

Like, that is not my job, but also:

Ediol Vangjeli DMs me: Hi [kiss and fire emoji]. How are you doing? Me: do you always send kisses to strangers on Insta? Guy: Hmm if you don’t want those you can give me back [smile emoji]. Me: have you considered not being a creep to women you don’t know? Guy: why so wild. Okay leaving you alone… looks like i’m disturbing you [shrug emoji]
Me: yeah that’s what sending women you don’t know your opinions on their appearance is: disturbing. Glad you’re learning something today. Guy: fuck you. Me: classy! Guy: i just make a compliment you fucker. Go fuck off. Kill yourself.

And the denial? It runs deeeeeep.

Kevinnn_1_1 on insta DMs me: hello [smile emoji] i have a question so if you can answer great. Me: ? him: you look really good. And you trans or? Me: why are you asking? Guy: just ask [smile emoji] me: are YOU? Guy: nope but i like trans so. Me: oh you’re a chaser no way couldn’t have guessed. Guy: what you mean [laugh emoji] im not chaser lol.

Me: you are a classic chaser jesus at least own it lol. Guy: im not. Haha. anyway you look reall hot [smile emoji]. Me: I AM NOT A CHASER says the chaser man saying all the things chasers say. Guy: okay lol. I just write you. [missed video call] sorry. I didnt want.

I don’t even want to know what the hell this one is about.

Sigma.male2022 on insta DMs me: Hi my lady [lip emoji]. I want to see your swallow my goldfish henry. [two devil emoji]. Put him inside your belly [open hands emoji]. And I give you all you want. [devil emoji]

A good deal of these dudes (on Instagram, anyway) likely would have a harder time finding me if I didn’t tag many of my photos with things like “trans, trans woman, trans girl,” etc. But I don’t want to stop using those tags just to stop harassment that’s not my fault.

Because here’s the thing… those kinds of tags get used by eggs (trans people who don’t know they’re trans yet), and people trying to figure out their own gender, all the time. I was one of them. I never went through someone’s entire profile liking all their photos because I was cognizant of how fucking creepy that is.

But I looked at photos with those tags a lot. Seeing other trans women that had transitioned and were happy and full of joy and life was so important to me. It played some small part in helping me think I could one day attain that, too. 

And I’m not going to take that away from other eggs who need it as much as I did. And this kind of ties right into why most of the above usernames and handles were blocked out. I left them in for the blatant harassers, because if you’re gonna be gross people should know.

But the others? Remember how I said the one and only way a portion of our society makes existing as a trans woman “acceptable” is as nothing more than an object of fetishization? 

That means that a lot of eggs, who’ve been pretending to be cis, find sexualizing and fetishizing trans women is the only way they can see us, learn more about us, and come to terms with their own gender. 

A non-zero number of those chasers are eggs who don’t even know it yet.

If you make it so people can only see trans women when we’re fetishized in porn, then fetishizing us in porn is the only way trans women eggs can see people like themselves.

If that’s the only option, where else are they to go?

Again, see my 2022, 2023, 2024, and 2025 TRANS REP IN MEDIA reports from the past four years to see how nearly non-existent good representation for us in media really is.

And the insidiousness is that then teaches those trans women eggs that being a fetishized sex object is the only way they can exist in society, and it reinforces the horror. It works an implicit bias into them (and also into cis people who only ever know us through that fetishized exposure) that that is all we can be, and all we are.

See IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA if you don’t understand how society does this to all of us, about people from every marginalized community.

Do I wish these eggs would be less creepy about my photos? Fuck yes. 

But I’m not going to block them because this world makes it so incredibly difficult for us to even realize we’re trans, much less transition and self-actualize. My photos could help them, like other trans women’s photos helped me.

It’s an awful line to walk, because I definitely don’t want harassment, and could certainly do without all the worthless trash messages from cis men who are as lovely as gas station hot dogs. But I know there are eggs out there doing the best with what they have and trying to learn… about themselves.

I won’t make it harder on them. It’s way too hard on us all as it is. 

Please come back next week, as we look at the way people react when you call out chasers, and the origin of the entire movement to fetishize and sexualize trans women in our society. It’s gonna sound wild, but I’ve got receipts.

But please, you have to realize it’s fine to be attracted to us, you can and should be! We are hot! And you can’t help who you’re attracted to. 

But you cannot forget that we are human beings first and foremost. 

If you can’t respect us, please fling yourself into the sea forthwith.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Part 2 is here.


ADDENDUM 4/30/26

Literally one day after this was posted, I saw the below on BlueSky. No. Stop. What the hell are you doing. There are so many trans women programmers, if this was a thing we wanted, we would have made it by now.

And he clearly didn’t “know how this lands,” given the way he was absolutely roasted in the comments and quote posts.

Cis men take the “I should not act like I know what’s best for trans women” challenge (impossible).

Because it’s certainly not building an app that functions as Chaser Central.

@getamouraapp.bsky.social posted at 12:24 pm [pacific time] on April 29, 2026: I'm a cis man building a trans-first dating app called Amoura. i know how that lands. Worth saying upfront before any of the rest. The short version of what I'm building below. "A dating app designed for trans women first. Here's what that means."


ADDENDUM 8/4/26

Look at this hot nonsense.

Woman [female symbol emoji] [high heel emoji]

It’s easy to laugh at this, because it’s ridiculous, but there’s something much more sinister underneath it. It’s the same reason so many chasers prey on newly-out trans women: as nonsensical as this is, it’s still validation of my gender. I don’t seek it, need it, or want it from random cis men (on the internet or in meat space), but to a lot of newly out trans girls, anyone simply seeing us for who we are, even pretending to just for their own sexual power bigoted gratification, might get them farther than it otherwise would.

Guys: stop it already, holy shit.

Cis Allyship Trans 101 Trans Life

TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is part 1 of a 2-part series that are some of the most important Trans Tuesdays ever. Cis friends, I need you to read this, share it, talk about it. Here comes TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA.

Before we begin, I want to say that after next week’s essay, Trans Politics 2, Trans Tuesdays will be off for a week. Because that’ll be Nov. 5, 2024, which is election day. And that’s why Trans Politics 1 and 2 are leading right up to it.

But as trans rights, our very right to exist in the US, is up in the air pending the election results, I’m going to spend the day being a nervous, anxious wreck hiding under a blanket. Trans Tuesdays will return on Nov. 12.

Okay, so let’s start with a seemingly innocuous meme that was posted by a family member we’ll call Buddy. It spurred a long, drawn out discussion. It’s so, SO wrong, and harmful, but the very idea of that was something he could not (or would not) grasp. (I added the superimposed red NOPE)

A meme of white text on a black background that reads, “If you are my friend and you support Trump, you are my friend. If you are my friend and you support Biden, you are my friend. If you feel the need to degrade those who feel differently than you… Maybe we are not friends.” And I’ve superimposed a large red “NOPE” over the top of it.

Buddy says he fully supports me and my right to be who I am, and “has no problem” with me. Buuuut y’know what? That’s bullshit.

Since he doesn’t automatically consider candidates with anti-trans policies not worth voting for… he also thinks it’s fine to be friends with people who actively hate me for existing. Buddy doesn’t see why he can’t be friends with both me and the bigots. In his mind, “we can have a difference of opinion, there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Except this isn’t a difference of opinion, is it?

That meme treats “degrading” someone for their support of Trump as the same as degrading trans people for who we are and our very right to exist. Those two things are not the same! Fighting back against someone who wants me dead is not the same as being the person who wants me dead!

One of those is objectively wrong.

My life is literally in danger if Republicans take power, my right to EXIST is apparently up for debate (NO human’s right to exist should ever be up for debate).

That’s not a difference of opinion. 

Favorite pizza toppings or singers or tv shows are a difference of opinion. People who think I should have no rights IS NOT A VALID OPINION.

By continuing to be friends with the bigot, Buddy upholds the system of oppression that harms trans people. 

For more on how if you’re not actively helping trans people (which includes not being friends with transphobes) you are, in fact, part of the systems that oppress us, see my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX. Because those movies have a WHOLE LOT to say about the topic.

If there are no consequences for bigots supporting hate and violence, why would they ever stop doing it? 

When I point this out, Buddy is very mad at me. He supports me (so he says)! How could I be so intolerant of a bigot’s intolerance of ME? Meanwhile he completely misses the point that bigotry SHOULD NEVER BE TOLERATED FOR ANY REASON.

Tolerating bigotry leads only to violence and fascism. Does that remind you of… our state of existence? This is the paradox of tolerance.

“In order to maintain a tolerant society, the society must retain the right to be intolerant of intolerance.”

This image distills it down pretty well.

A meme done as a comic page, of Karl Popper’s “Paradox of Tolerance,” source “THe Open Society and Its Enemies,” Karl R. Popper, from pictoline.com. Panel 1: Should a tolerant society tolerate intolerance? Two people are speaking against nazis, and a nazi skinhead with a torch (ala the Charlottesville march) says, “You want more tolerance? Respect my ideas.” The answer is NO. It’s a paradox, but unlimited tolerance can lead to the extinction of tolerance. Panel 2: When we extend tolerance to those who are openly intolerant… A German man (perhaps Kaiser?) stands next to Hitler and says “let’s give them a chance!” There is a swastika and an image of Hitler saluting at a nazi rally. …the tolerant ones end up being destroyed. AND TOLERANCE WITH THEM. Panel 3: A large foot is kicking Hitler. Any movement that preaches intolerance and persecution MUST BE OUTSIDE THE LAW. There is an image of philosopher Karl Popper shrugging. As paradoxical as it may seem, DEFENDING TOLERANCE… …requires to NOT TOLERATE THE INTOLERANT.

For more on this, see the excellent article, Tolerance is Not a Moral Precept.

A few choice quotes:

“Tolerance is not a moral absolute; it is a peace treaty. Tolerance is a social norm because it allows different people to live side-by-side without being at each other’s throats. It means that we accept that people may be different from us, in their customs, in their behavior, in their dress, in their sex lives, and that if this doesn’t directly affect our lives, it is none of our business. But the model of a peace treaty differs from the model of a moral precept in one simple way: the protection of a peace treaty only extends to those willing to abide by its terms. It is an agreement to live in peace, not an agreement to be peaceful no matter the conduct of others. A peace treaty is not a suicide pact.”

“This is a variation on the old saw that “your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” We often forget (or ignore) that no right is absolute, because one person’s rights can conflict with another’s. This is why freedom of speech doesn’t protect extortion, and the right to bear arms doesn’t license armed robbery. Nor is this limited to rights involving the state; people can interfere with each other’s rights with no government involved, as when people use harassment to suppress other people’s speech. While both sides of that example say they are “exercising their free speech,” one of them is using their speech to prevent the other’s: these are not equivalent. The balance of rights has the structure of a peace treaty.”

Buddy asks how I could ask him to cut a friend or someone he loves out of their life? I didn’t actually ask him to do that, but his choice to NOT do so sends a message to everyone he CLAIMS to support. He will tolerate transphobia. Hating me for existing is not a deal-breaker for him, which sends a message about exactly what he really thinks of me and my human rights.

And that message is: Buddy’s friendship with bigots is more important to him than my right to exist and have equal rights. 

Meanwhile I’m over here wondering why anyone would want to be friends with a bigot. Who wants someone with that kind of hate in their life? Why? Why would you want that person around?

Let me give you another example from another former friend, let’s call him Dominic.

Dominic and I were pretty good friends in high school. I hung out at his house a lot, and I was a couple years older than him and he looked up to me a lot, even though I was a very weird and awkward kid buried in dysphoria.

Dominic and his entire family are Mormon. At the time, as a seemingly cishet white boy who was entirely unaware of the Mormon church’s stance on queer people (who I did not know I was one of), I was unconcerned with his religion.

Not long after my wife and I got married, Dominic sent me a message. And it said that he knew I loved my wife a lot, and the only way I could be assured of being with her forever, after death and in heaven, was if we converted to the LDS church.

Kinda appalling, ain’t it?

That was the last time we talked, I had no interest in being friends with someone who could say something so hurtful and try to convert me (when he knew full well I wasn’t even Christian and had no intentions of ever becoming one).

Earlier this year, Dominic sent me a message, apologizing for what he said and trying to convert me. I was surprised he even remembered, and thanked him for the apology. He wanted to rekindle our friendship (knowing full well that I’m a trans woman), and I asked him if he was still Mormon and supported the LDS church.

Why would I ask? Oh, because the LDS church is not only bigoted toward its queer members, but used its money and influence to try and spread its bigotry by getting marriage equality banned IN CALIFORNIA, when their home state is Utah!

And you’ll note we’re right back to the paradox of tolerance, as quotes from LDS officials in that article whine about being held accountable for spreading their hate, as if that is not only equal to but more damaging than the hate and bigotry they were trying to legislate into law!

Appalling.

But that was 2008, Tilly! Surely the LDS church is more accepting now.

No, I assure you they are fucking not. Especially to their trans members.

“Individuals who have transitioned in any way — whether surgically, medically or socially — cannot work with children, serve as teachers in their congregation or fill any gender-specific assignments, such as president of the women’s Relief Society.”

EXCUSE ME??

“These same church members should use a single-occupancy restroom when available. If unavailable, they can counsel with leaders to find an alternative solution. Examples suggested include people using the restroom that aligns with their assigned sex at birth or one that corresponds to the individual’s “feeling of their inner sense of gender, with a trusted person ensuring that others are not using the restroom at the same time.”

FUCKING WHAT?

“Also unchanged was the instruction that all soul-saving rituals, including baptism and temple rites, must be received according to a person’s assigned sex at birth.

Only those who have not transitioned in any way can be baptized and confirmed, although possible exceptions can be made by the governing First Presidency. Individuals who transition in any way cannot receive the recommend needed to enter the church’s temples, where the faith’s highest ordinances are performed.”

Do I even have to tell you that for some trans Mormons, preventing them from transitioning is a literal death sentence? The LDS church would rather their trans members DIE before they transition.

Laurie Lee Hall said she hadn’t been to church in some time but grew emotional when she thought of the impact these new policies could have on those she knows within the trans community, including young people, who continue to make the church their spiritual home.

“It’s dehumanizing and degrading to have to have a chaperone clear a restroom before you can use it,” she said, explaining that few Latter-day Saint meetinghouses have unisex restrooms — a fact she gleaned during her years designing the buildings.

Hall, author of the forthcoming “Dictates of Conscience: From Mormon High Priest to My New Life as a Woman,” also pointed out that preventing transgender members from working with children and youth puts them in a category with sex offenders.”

So, y’know, maaaaaaaybe you can see why I was concerned that this was an organization he still was a member of, supported, and still gave a 10% tithe on his income to (money that the church has readily demonstrated it will use to spread its bigotry and influence laws, entirely ignoring the supposed separation of church and state).

I’m going to share my response to him, because it’s something more people need to see and understand.

I know we don’t talk much anymore, and we’re both very different people than we were in high school. This is going to get awkward though, because there’s no other way to say this than to say it plainly. If you’re still an LDS member, as presume you are as I know your faith has always been important to you, I don’t see how we can really have any kind of relationship.
Your church holds horrible, harmful views about trans people, filled with factual misinformation, that are tantamount to asking someone to go through a lifetime of torture and pain. The kind of torture and pain that makes trans suicide rates so very high. Some 80% of trans kids contemplate suicide, and over 40% attempt it. And it’s not being trans that causes that, because being trans is no different than being left-handed or having red hair. It’s just a way some people are. It’s the response from highly transphobic society and institutions, including your church, that contribute to how difficult it is just to exist as a trans person in this world. 
If you’re still a member, I cannot in good conscience have a friendship with someone who’d be a member of a group that does not believe people like me deserve equal rights or treatment for our condition that is recognized by literally every major medical association in this country. it’s like telling people with cancer to just live with it and not seek chemo. It’s horrific and unconscionable, and it’s killing people like me all over the world. I’d ask you how you’d feel if the church said left-handed people couldn’t be full members, or campaigned to take away rights of left-handed people. Only, you know, this is much worse, because life with gender dysphoria is a misery and pain you cannot imagine.
If you’re somehow no longer a member of that church, I’d be happy to talk with you further. If you are, however, and they have your support… I’m afraid I just can’t have any kind of relationship with someone who doesn’t believe I deserve equal rights. I deserve better than that. So does everyone. And so I’d ask you to not contact me again, because knowing a high school friend I cherished doesn’t consider me an equal human being in all rights is honestly too painful to bear. I wish you and your family nothing but the best, may safety and happiness and love be in abundance. And I hope you never know what it’s like to have half the country see you as less than human. Be well.

He replied and said he’s watched my journey from afar, “admired my courage” (I shouldn’t have to be courageous to exist! See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS COURAGE for more on that), and stated that he still is a member and supports his church, but also “sees me as a fully equal human being deserving of love, compassion, and peace.”

And I’m sorry, but no.

NO.

You don’t get to say I deserve love, compassion, and peace and that you “see” me as equal while you support and give ten percent of your income to an organization that treats trans people as second-class citizens, discriminates against us, and uses the money YOU give them to try and take our rights away.

YOU CANNOT DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. THEY ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

And so I replied.

Hi   I’m heartened by your reply, and that it shows you to still be the kind, wonderful person I wanted to be friends with. The part I have trouble reconciling is your continued membership in and support of an organization that’s doing so much harm. We don’t share the same spirituality, and I’m not even Christian, but to me that seems to go against everything you actually believe. Continued membership and tithing condones and supports their actions, even if you personally don’t. It’s tacit endorsement of what they’re doing, and the trans lives they’re destroying. I know so many trans people. Trans kids. I *was* a trans kid and didn’t even know it, because my family and society told me that was impossible and shameful and forced me to bury it and caused severe trauma I may never fully recover from. I’ve seen the same struggle in so many other people forced to repress themselves for their entire lives for the same reason.
I see kids with accepting families who have a chance to avoid a lifetime of pain and the ungodly body horror of going through the wrong puberty, and states (with the support of organizations like your church) telling them no, they must suffer. I don’t see how that can be reconciled. People who donate and support those who want to take my rights away aren’t really my friends, because what friend would do that to another? That’s not friendship. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. and I’m not sure how anyone could expect someone to be friends with someone supporting the guy with his boot on my neck. I don’t remember much of my past due to the dissociation that comes from the horrors of gender dysphoria, but I actually do remember the event you mention. If not in specifics, at least in how it made me feel. And I appreciate the apology. Thank you.

I’d hoped perhaps he was working within the church to try and get them to change their policies, but he wasn’t. I hoped I could help him see the harm he’s doing in supporting the people who oppress trans folks. 

I don’t know if I did, he did not respond after that.

Listen, THIS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME. 

You cannot support my right to exist and be who I am AND support the bigots who want trans people to not exist.

Friends don’t do things like that. If someone wants to take my rights away, they are obviously not my friend. And if you give money to that person, tolerate that person, vote for that person, you’re supporting that. 

Further: if you don’t try to STOP them, YOU ARE AIDING THEM.

If YOU remain friends with them, knowing that they want to take my rights away, you are supporting me losing my rights. 

That’s a hard pill to swallow. It means confronting friends and loved ones about the harm they’re doing.

It may mean those relationships are going to change, if you have the INTEGRITY to be an ACTUAL TRANS ALLY. SAYING you support us is wonderful, but without ACTIONS that support us, it’s nothing more than platitudes to make yourself feel better.

See the Trans Tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP (about a much less serious situation, but it illustrates the point very well), which is allyship in name only.

See the Trans Tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP, which is when people who consider themselves “allies” are in fact part of the systems that oppress us and refuse to see it.

See the Trans Tuesday (and the MULTITUDE of Trans Tuesdays linked within) about TRANS RAGE, and how cis people keep forgetting about trans people, and how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING VITAL REAL CIS ALLYSHIP IS.

And for an example of how even the smallest gesture can show you really do have our backs, see PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP aka BE AN ACCOMPLICE.

What will you do to stop this? Do you care? 

Too often, it seems you do not. See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS RAGE 2: CIS APATHY.

Think about what might happen if your MAGA/Trump supporter friends and family lost their friends and family over their horrible support of hatred. Can you think of a stronger message to send that might wake someone up? THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

Please come back next week for TRANS POLITICS 2, and two of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do to make life better for trans people.

And let me close by asking you to again look at that meme that opened the essay.

A meme of white text on a black background that reads, “If you are my friend and you support Trump, you are my friend. If you are my friend and you support Biden, you are my friend. If you feel the need to degrade those who feel differently than you… Maybe we are not friends.” And I’ve superimposed a large red “NOPE” over the top of it.

Do you see it for what it is?

Do you see that it was designed to help make bigots feel better about their bigotry?

Do you see that it was designed to help make friends of bigots feel like it’s okay to be friends with bigots?

But it’s not. 

It can’t be.

Our literal lives are on the line.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Part 2 is here!

Trans 101 Trans Life

THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE (that we’re trans)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re going to take a personal look into my past to look at THE SIGNS THAT WERE ALWAYS THERE EVEN WHEN WE REFUSED TO SEE THEM. There’s no other way to say this than… this is gonna be embarrassing. For me.

Actually it’s making me a little uncomfortable, because I feel like this is going to expose me a little more than I’d like. Expose me as what? A trans woman? OH NO. Obviously this is not a surprise to anyone at this point. I talk about it a lot and am proud to be trans.

And it’s not like I don’t get personal in these. I get detailed about my past in many of them, like you can see in my thread on The Past, and Why it Haunts Us.

And also my thread on Parents Who Will Never Know the Real You, aka My Dad.

There are certainly more, I try to be as open and transparent as possible because I know that can help people. But this is something extra personal that was never intended to be seen by anyone but my amazing wife Susan, but that’s only part of it.

I guess what’s most embarrassing about it is that you’re going to see just how very blind to my own transness I was. And I know that’s not unique to me… in fact, it’s so common there are entire memes about it. See How Do You Know if You’re Trans (Still Cis Tho).

For some background, I’m going to suggest you read the thread on Fear of Embracing Your True Self as I explain in there how very terrified I was of things like makeup… and why. To get the full impact of what you’re about to see, truly… read this first.

Okay enough context, which is probably in some small way me stalling because… well, let’s just get on with it. A while back, Susan made me a scrapbook of things from our life together, and it’s beautiful and sweet and delightful.

Some of what she included were letters and notes I’d written her, and one of them included this:

A photo of part of a note I’d written to my wife, in my horrible, uncomfortable, tight, pre-transition handwriting. It reads: I wanted you to have something to have with you… for those times when I’m not there and you can’t call me, but you need some reassurance and love and hugs and… kisses!

Okay, a brief pause for full disclosure… just seeing my old HANDWRITING gives me dysphoria. It’s as cramped and tight and uncomfortable and awful as I felt all the time pre-transition, and I didn’t expect that to spike my dysphoria! How incredibly weird.

I talked about how my handwriting has changed post-transition, and why, along with a whole host of other things I never anticipated in my thread on Unexpected Bonuses of Transition.

And though I link to this one most often, I never know when new folks are coming in to their first one of these, so if you need more info on Gender Dysphoria.

Okay, right, so… Tilly, what the heck? I hear you. You look at that snippet of a note and think… that’s some uggo handwriting, but what of it? You wanted your wife to know you loved her when you couldn’t be with her and couldn’t talk, what’s wrong with that?

Nothing at all! Except that I cropped out the truly incriminating part. How do you think I was sending her kisses to keep while we were apart? HOW?  👀

A larger snippet of the same note as before, only below the writing there is… a red lipstick kiss mark.

Okay listen-

No, it’s fine, get your laughs out now, go ahead. You’re not laughing at me, it’s okay, because I assure you I’m laughing too.

I couldn’t yet consciously give myself permission to explore, to find myself, to play with gender and see what I really was inside. And so… I found a way… to do that anyway… without even consciously realizing it.

I did a whole thread about finding ways to giving yourself Permission to Experiment and find your true self.

Okay, but as you read in my thread on the Fear of Embracing Your True Self, I HATED lipstick and lip balm (because of the terrifying feelings they gave me, even though I didn’t know that was why). And I’m not kidding about that. Look:

More of that horrid handwriting from the note. It reads: OH MY. THAT WAS REALLY WEIRD. SO MUCH SO I’M NOW WRITING IN CAPS?? That was… minty. WTF? How do you wear that stuff? Blech. Um… yeah.

Siiiiiigh. See, this is why I feel exposed and embarrassed. It’s SO CLEAR TO ME, looking at that, exactly what I was going through, and why I had those feelings. And I’d done it to myself by concocting a “reason” I could put lipstick on when I was home by myself.

I’ve said so, so, SO many times how looking back at my life, there were signs everywhere that I was trans. Signs that I willfully ignored, pretended I didn’t see, pretended they didn’t mean EXACTLY what they actually meant. And this is abso 100% one of them.

I’m not saying if you’re a cis man and you do this one thing that you’re trans, BUT y’know if there’s DOZENS of these, HUNDREDS… maybe you’re not as cis as you think.

Anyway it gets worse (better?), because this is how I closed out the letter:

It’s that same old awful handwriting. It reads: PS – I think I ruined your lipstick. Sorry! At least you know I haven’t been wearing it while you’re at work.

Tilly. Girl.

GIRL.

WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK YOU WERE WEARING YOUR WIFE’S MAKEUP WHILE SHE WAS AT WORK? WHAT A SUUUUUPER RANDOM THING TO THINK PEOPLE MIGHT BE WONDERING ABOUT YOU…

🙄

As you’ve no doubt seen in plenty of my selfies, I now love wearing makeup and lipstick, because I gave myself that permission to explore, pushed through the fear of embracing my true self, and figured out who I really am.

When I said the signs were always there, I did not remember this note. I had no idea it existed. So when Susan found it and put it in that scrapbook, it was an embarrassing and somewhat hilarious slap to the face.

It said “damn RIGHT the signs were always there, just LOOK, you fool!” Yeah yeah, okay, sure. My Morpheus was always there hammering away, trying to break through my shell and get me to see what was really inside. And if you don’t get the reference:
Twitter, Facebook

Push through the fear. Do it scared. Give yourself permission. The signs have always been there… and it’s okay to recognize and accept them. You may be surprised at the joy you find waiting for you on the other side. (lipstick!!)

Me with curly bangs and two curly pigtails held with light blue hair ties, eyeliner, pink-framed glasses, a dark pinkish-purple lipstick in a v-neck top with light blue, dark green, orange, dark red, and pink horizontal stripes.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com