Welcome to Trans Tuesday! It’s time to see how wishing your transness away will never work, and how the first time you encounter the trans community can truly change things. Let’s talk THE IMPERFECT TRANS ALLEGORY OF KPOP DEMON HUNTERS, part 2!
Be a good demon hunter and be sure you’ve read PART 1 first!
15:28 – Mira and Zoey are ecstatic and excited for the first performance of Golden, but look at Rumi. Alone in a dull and lifeless room, worried. Just like Neo in his cubicle in The Matrix (see my super good book, Begin Transmission: The Trans Allegories of The Matrix, for more).
Rumi, singing:
Waited so long to break these walls down
To wake up and feel like me
She knows that locking her truth away is going to kill her inside. She wants to be free to be herself, but doesn’t think she can be. It’s not how she was raised.
She removes her robe, and we see she has the same jagged patterns the demons have. Here, alone, in the mirror she sees her own truth, that her body is not the way she wants it to be (see PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS for more). Only alone can she reveal the truth about herself, that her body is not like everyone else’s. And she’s not happy about it.
Put these patterns all in the past now
And finally live like the girl they all see
No more hiding
I’ll be shining
Like I’m born to be
She sings that as she literally hides her demon patterns under a costume. Our bodies being wrong makes us want to hide them. Pre-transition, many of us wear oversized baggy clothes to hide our bodies, in an attempt to lessen our GENDER DYSPHORIA.
‘Cause we are Hunters, voices strong
And I know I believe
Does she, though? Seems like she’s having some doubts, doesn’t it?
16:23 – During the Golden rehearsal, Rumi’s voice breaks and she can’t continue, right on the “be” in “like I’m born to be.” Subconsciously she knows what she’s doing is wrong.
But the more Rumi thinks about her patterns, the more they grow and take her voice from her. The more you become aware of what’s causing your pain, the harder it becomes to ignore it.
See BOYMODE/GIRLMODE for how, as I eased into existing as my true self, every time I went back the other direction became ever more painful… until it got to the point where I literally could not do it anymore, because it hurt so much.
16:37 – They try the song again, and Rumi’s voice breaks again. At the same spot.
17:11 – Rumi discovers her demon patterns have risen up to her neck.
She’s maybe realizing that were she to actually be her true self, she’d lose her voice. And other than being her mother’s daughter, it’s literally all that anyone values her for. And this is not just her singing voice, but her voice in society… her ability to stand for what she believes in and who she is, and be listened to and respected.
Because society will absolutely strip that from you when you come out as trans. It’s why it’s so important for cis people, who have voices that will be listened to by other cis people who ignore trans people, and for those who have the most voice in our society, cishet white men, to use that voice to help us. Because other cis people will listen to you. See TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA for more.
Rumi, here, was using her voice the way she was taught… to hurt people like herself. But she’s realizing that no matter what she uses her voice for, as a seeming cis person, she’d at least be listened to and believed… and if she can’t tamp down this whole trans thing, she’s going to lose that for good.
The loss of privilege, of power, of societal voice, is something the Matrix films also deal with, via both Neo and The Merovingian. See my book Begin Transmission! Again! I wrote it for youuuuuuu!
17:29 – Rumi runs away, as we see her singing the same song as a child, as Celine brushes her hair… this is Celine making her conform to “girl” expectations.
Young Rumi: “…do Hunters kill all demons?” Celine: “Yes.” Young Rumi: “So everything that has patterns?” She reveals the demon marks she has on one shoulder. Celine forces Rumi’s sleeve back down. Celine: “Cover those up. You only have those because–” Young Rumi: “My dad was a demon?” Celine: “You’re not one of them, Rumi. You’re a Hunter, like your mother was. When the Honmoon is sealed, all demons will be gone from this world. And so will your patterns.”
Remove the ability for trans people to openly exist, and you will no longer have to worry about being trans, Rumi. This is what she was taught for her entire life, and honestly, so many of us were taught that too, even if not explicitly.
It’s every time we laugh at a man in a dress or a boy who likes dolls, or laugh at a woman with a deep voice or a girl with a short haircut.
We are taught to mock, deride, and hate ourselves. And most of us spend our entire lives trying to undo the INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA that society implanted in us.
18:12 – In a short flashback, Zoey and Mira are going to a bathhouse, but Rumi doesn’t want to go… because her demon patterns would be visible. This is very in keeping with trans people being uncomfortable with our pre-transition bodies. Every time I went swimming, I wore a t-shirt, even though boys were expected to be bare-chested. I hated the sight of my flat chest, it spiked my dysphoria. I needed it hidden.
Sadly pools can be very fraught for trans people even after transition, as trans men and nonbinary people who’ve had top surgery and want to go bare-chested will have visible scars (outing them as trans to everyone present), and trans women who’ve not had bottom surgery can have trouble TUCKING in bathing suits.
18:22 – Rumi: “Maybe they’ll understand.” Celine: “No, Rumi. Nothing can change until your patterns are gone.” Celine is literally forcing her to be someone she’s not. Just like every time my own mother made fun of me and punished me for any hint of femininity that I ever dared to show.
Remember that “Celine” traces back to multiple masculine names, including the god of war. There’s a possible read on Celine that she also has hidden demon patterns, or is a self-hating trans man who’s passing on to Rumi the same self-hate that she was taught.
18:37 – Alone on a rooftop, Rumi throws off her coat to just exist as her true self…alone, where no one else can see her. She sings:
No more hiding
I’ll be shining
Like I’m born to be
‘Cause we are Hunters, voices strong
And I know I believe
Her voice breaks again, and she cries. “How am I supposed to fix the world, fix me, when I don’t have my voice? Why now, when I’m so close? Why?” Neo goes through the same thing in The Matrix, and even Barbie in BARBIE goes through a similar moment. Most trans people hit this at some point, pre-self acceptance. Why did this have to happen to me? I didn’t ask to be trans!
Note that on her last “why,” her true/demon voice comes out, and it’s deeper and more intense, even though not every other demon has a voice like that. Huh. It sends pink ripples through the blue Honmoon.
22:23 – Doctor: “You have lots of walls up. So many walls.” Rumi: “I don’t have walls.” Listen, we put those walls up because we’re told we have to, just like Rumi was told to by Celine. Walling our true selves off from the world, and from ourselves, is what we’re often forced to do when we’re not accepted for who we are. And we’ve been trained to do it all our lives, by society and everyone around us, which means sometimes we don’t even consciously know that we put those walls there.
26:00 – Huntrix sees the Saja Boys performing “Soda Pop.” Everyone loves them, even Huntrix themselves, when they think they’re humans.
27:25 – Huntrix sees the demon patterns flash by on the Saja Boys’ arms.
27:41 – They debate if they should kill these demons. Zoey: “It doesn’t look like they’re gonna hurt anyone. In fact, it almost seems like they’re nice demons?” Mira and Rumi together: “Demons are never nice!”
Zoey is the first to say… maybe trans people aren’t really bad? Maybe they’re not the evil we’ve been taught they are? But even as she wrestles with her own truth, Rumi repeats the lie she’s been taught, “demons are never nice.” A trans person’s a trans person, right? Oppress them.
30:12 – Huntrix gets into their battle gear and tries to surprise the Saja Boys while they’re on a game show, but Jinu knows they’re there. But look how even here, Rumi’s covering up so much of herself. No skin showing other than her face.
31:35 – They confront the Saja Boys in a (men’s) bathhouse, which… sure seems pointed. The Saja Boys, despite just running in, are now all in pink, the color of demons. Water demons attack. Huntrix kills a lot of them. Rumi runs after Jinu as more demons break through the Honmoon.
32:36 – During the fight with Jinu, part of Rumi’s costume rips, and Jinu sees her demon patterns. He knows they are the same… demons, aka trans.
Mira and Zoey are getting overwhelmed and call for Rumi, who has one hand covering her exposed demon patterns and doesn’t know what to do. Jinu wraps her in a hug, and when he leaves, there’s a bandage over the ripped part of her costume. Despite having no reason to, he protected her secret and didn’t out her before she was ready, which is a terrible thing that sometimes happens. See to COMING OUT AS TRANS for more.
Remember that “Jinu” means community, and that’s what we do: protect each other. (Yes, this happens a lot in The Matrix too, where the community is represented by a character named Tank (an armored weapon), and later by a heavily defended literal community). My book, Begin Transmission, yadda yadda yadda.
34:04 – Some souls have been taken (from Saja Boys’ new fans) and are delivered to Gwi-Ma.
Let me just remind you that trans people don’t want to “corrupt” anyone, or “turn you trans” (literally impossible!), we just want to be left alone to live our lives, and for your trans kids to grow up into trans adults.
But I see this as societal hate “corrupting” humans (cis people). Cis people’s hatred of us isn’t our fault, it’s theirs. And as we learn later, Gwi-ma whispers his hateful lies into the ears of everyone, which tracks with my read of him as the terrible things society tells us to believe, both about others and ourselves.
And Jinu’s willingly helping him stoke that hate by being ashamed of who he is, and believing he was selfish for transitioning.
It’s a little imperfect, but it kind of works. We’ll have much more to discuss on imperfection when we get to the end.
34:34 – The Honmoon (blue) is breaking down where demons come through (pink). The more trans people in the world, the less of us will be trapped in the closet. Our visibility helps others think they can do it too. I thanked all the trans women (especially writers and creatives) that made me feel I could transition and still have a writing career when I came out, in my book, and every time I’ve been lucky enough to have one of them on the podcast version of Trans Tuesdays.
35:57 – Their plan is to write a new song that exposes the Saja Boys and makes them lose their fans, so they’re sent back to the underworld. They’re going to out them as trans, so they’ll be shunned and lose popularity. Ouch.
36:25 – Rumi is going to try the tonics from the doctor to “fix her,” but it’s just a placebo. It will not address her true problem of losing her voice. It’s akin to “just wear a dress and forget that it makes you feel awful”… or a tuxedo or suit, in my case. It doesn’t actually change or fix anything, it’s just more lies.
38:51 – Rumi meets Jinu, and tries to kill him repeatedly, but he convinces her that he just wants to talk. Jinu: “I could’ve told your friends what you are. But I didn’t, did I? Because they don’t know. I did guess right, a demon girl, who is also a Hunter. Hiding, walking around free in the human world.”
Look at you, pretending to be cis, all the while you’re oppressing trans people like yourself.
Rumi: “Just Hunter, not demon.” Jinu: “Then how’d you get the patterns?” Rumi: “That’s none of your business.” Jinu: “I know what it feels like to have them.” Rumi: “Feel? You’re a demon. Demons don’t feel anything.”
Republicans are still constantly dehumanizing us, trying to get cis people to see us as a threat and a problem and not actual human beings, because then they might empathize with us and care about what happens to us. And then more trans people would feel safe to come out and exist, and the Republicans’ power is further threatened by having the lies of compulsory cisgender heterosexuality exposed.
Jinu: “Is that what you think? That’s all demons do. Feel. Feel our shame, our misery.”
That’s what society wants us to feel, but being trans is nothing to be ashamed of. And if cis people would stop oppressing us, we’d have a whole lot less to be miserable about.
Jinu: “…My family was extremely poor and miserable. …I was desperate. We were starving. Then, I heard him. ‘You can’t do anything for your family. You’re not good enough for them. But I can help you be good enough.’ Overnight, my fate was changed. I was praised for my voice. Even by the king himself. My family and I lived on the palace grounds. Our bellies were finally full, our clothes clean. We were happy. But the patterns, they kept spreading until they consumed me. And I was condemned to the demon world. Prisoner of Gwi-Ma for all eternity. My family lost everything. …Every day since, I’ve been haunted by the memory of failing them.” Gwi-Ma: “You left them. Left them behind. Failed them.”
Jinu’s lying a bit here, because he’s ashamed. Because this is how Gwi-ma, and societal bigotries, want us to feel when we choose to transition.
Don’t mistake that for meaning we should be ashamed to transition. I know Jinu’s past is more complicated, but we’ll discuss that when he reveals the truth.
Jinu looks at the demon patterns on his hand. “These are a constant reminder of my shame. A shame I can never escape.” He touches her, and Rumi’s own patterns appear. Jinu: “Your [patterns] are a reminder too. Of a shame of your own.”
Rumi: “You don’t know me.” Jinu: “You know, you can tell me. I’ll understand. I’m the only one who can.” Rumi: “I’m nothing like you.” Jinu: “Denial, I get it. I was once there too. I’ll be here when you’re done pretending.”
Rumi’s first real encounter with another trans person, with the community, and she can’t open up because she can’t admit that she’s the same. Next time we see the ramifications of that encounter, and how people in your life might react once you’ve self-accepted.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com