Tilly's Trans Tuesdays

TRANS PARENTS (Mother’s Day)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is tough, and I’ve talked about it before and it was awkward, and I think it’s still gonna be awkward. So let’s just dive into the deep end with: TRANS PARENTS (Mother’s Day).

There are two parts of this that seem separate, but are invariably kind of linked together even in terms of being trans: my own parents and being a parent myself. I became a parent before I transitioned, or even realized or understood my own transness.

I’m sure this is very different for every trans person, and every trans parent. And for trans folks who transition before becoming parents, it’s also probably a very different experience. As always, I can only talk about my own experiences and don’t speak for everyone.

For a lot of trans people, relationships with our parents can be fraught. Obviously because a lot of us have parents who do not, and will not, accept us for who we are. My father died when I was very young and he never got to know the real me and who I really am.

I have almost no memories of him, and some of the few I do have are tainted by his death at a very young age, and the awfulness of the lies my mother made me believe about him. It’s a whole complex issue all its own, which you can read about in the trans tuesday on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU (my dad).

Relatedly, wondering what it might be like if I somehow got to show him who I really am, and what I might hope to get out of that, is something my wife Susan and I explored in a short comic in the Color of Always anthology, available now! Which has now become a short film that we wrote and directed, that will be coming to film festivals in 2025/2026!

My mom is an entirely different issue that’s painful in its own way. I’ve mentioned in several of these how my relationship with my mother was… fraught. I went into this a little in the Trans Tuesday on THE PAST, (and why it haunts us).

We did not get along, we did not see eye to eye on basically anything, including some major decisions she made regarding my (much younger) siblings that I strongly disagreed with, and I  made sure my feelings were known.

My mother and her mother were abandoned by my mom’s father when she was very young, and I’m sure that played heavily into how overly controlling and manipulative she became. She wanted to find a way to force everyone to stay near her for her entire life.

And of course that’s not the way it works. We all have our own hopes and desires for our lives and sometimes that takes us away from home. We all have to find our own path, but she was much more interested in picking a path for us and getting mad if we deviated from it at all.

She also had these “roles” she assigned all of us in her head, and deviation from that was also a problem. IE there was “the smart one” and “the sporty one” and on and on, and it led to all sorts of problems. As seems obvious! She was STRIDENTLY anti-gay.

I’m always hesitant to say things like this, because a person’s gender is their own business, but she was my mother and my life at home with her was very rough, and in only one way, I see in her so much of what I saw in myself: gender dysphoria.

I can’t diagnose her with that, obviously, but I see so many of the signs. She hated being thought of as a woman, several times she told me she wished she was a man (it’s a joke! ha ha how silly), she hated ANYTHING associated with femininity…

She hated photos of herself, never wanted to be in them, never felt they looked like her. I’m not saying she was trans (though she might have been)…

But even being a woman who just liked to be “butch” or what have you was so far outside the realm of things she could have ever accepted about herself, what I’m one hundred percent sure of is it made her life awful, and that manifested in a hundred different ways.

ANY deviation from the gender binaries in us kids was met with concern and ridicule and anger. Despite the fact that she herself dressed in the most gender-neutral way she could, every day of her life.

She also hated femininity so much she never really even let my sisters explore it, not while I lived at home with them, anyway. So femininity is bad for all of them, but don’t be a boy, and you are very much girls! There was a lot of cognitive dissonance.

A reminder that the gender binary is just part of our societal FALSE DICHOTOMY that messes us ALL up in countless ways.

I’m telling you all of this so you have the context for this one vital piece of information:

If my mother was alive when I came out as trans (and a gay trans woman at that), she never would have spoken to me again.

She barely spoke to me as it was. She ALREADY poisoned the very idea of me in the minds of my siblings from the moment I moved out, simply because I broke the mold she’d set for me.

She told them outright lies about me, just made shit up, and anything I ever did that broke her idea of the man I was “supposed” to be also got used as fodder against me. She also didn’t like my wife Susan at ALL, because Susan helped me get out of the horrible situation I was in.

My brother told me that once he and I spent the entire day talking to each other in very bad British accents, calling each other by stuffy British women’s names. I have no memory of that, but it definitely sounds like something I would have done. I’m a goof.

But my mother hated it, of course, because we were BOYS. And afterward told my brother that SUSAN was disappointed in us for doing that! Like… what the actual hell? Again, she just made shit up to justify all the feelings she had, and that’s gonna really mess up your kids.

I was not given any room to explore my feelings around gender as a kid. It fucked me up for life. I lived with horrid dysphoria for most of my life because of it. I was MISERABLE, and ALONE, and TRAPPED. FOR LIFE.

If you need a refresher on GENDER DYSPHORIA, see its trans tuesday.

Or on the ways it impacted my ability to even exist in this world, see the Trans Tuesday on CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD when the LACK of dysphoria made life entirely brand new for me.

And if you want to see the hidden ways it muted my life, and kept all that this world has to offer from me, in ways I didn’t even realize and am still discovering, see the Trans Tuesday on FREEING UP MY BRAIN aka LUNCH WITH TILLY.

Can you imagine doing that to your kid? All because you won’t let them try different clothes or hairstyles or ANYTHING outside the false dichotomy of the gender binary, because it makes YOU ~uncomfortable~? Seems like the antithesis of parenting, to me.

I’ve talked to many parents of trans kids who’ve told me these threads have helped them understand their kids, and I ALWAYS make sure to tell him how VITALLY IMPORTANT it is that they’re learning and supporting their kids. I’m so glad some trans kids have parents like that.

It makes a literal world of difference. Something like 80% of trans kids attempt suicide, because dysphoria is awful and they exist in a society (and often in a home life) where they feel trapped with no way out. See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM.

All of that being said, I have NO frame of reference for being a parent myself. ALL MY LIFE I have been fascinated and entirely mystified by friends who… like their parents? That’s a thing that can happen? It’s so alien to me.

To be clear I like my father very much, based on the things I’ve learned about him from his family. But again he was so poisoned in my mind by my mother, just as I have been in my siblings’ minds, that for a very long time I didn’t care about him at all.

Actually I actively hated him for abandoning me, when he actually did nothing of the sort! It was my mother who ripped me away from him and kept him out of my life. But our wonderful son was born before I learned who my father really was.

And even still, I don’t have that first-hand knowledge of what he was like as a parent. So I didn’t at all know how to be a parent once our kid was born. I mean I knew how to care for an infant or a child, my mother had me babysitting all seven of my siblings all the time.

In fact it was partly due to all my experience with kids that Susan and I decided I’d be the stay-at-home-parent while she returned to a day job, and oof did we get blowback on that from her parents. I was THE MAN and SHOULD GET A REAL JOB.

As if raising a kid isn’t a real job or harder than almost anything else, as if a man (which I’m not!) couldn’t do it right, as if a woman couldn’t work and provide for her family. Never mind I had the kid experience. Never mind Susan was making more money than I ever had.

None of that mattered. All they were concerned about was upholding the false dichotomy of the gender binary! How weird it is to be more concerned about THAT than the person with more experience being with the kid and the person with more earning potential making the money?

I didn’t understand it then, I still don’t understand it now. How utterly sexist and reductive and ultimately harmful to women AND men (and non-binary people!).

But though I had plenty of experience with kids, I didn’t know how to be a good PARENT, because it was just so foreign to me. I think I’ve done… okay? I know I’ve messed up at times. Hopefully I’ve been pretty good overall, though that’s for our kid to decide and not me.

Often I just thought about what I’d WISHED my own parents would have done for me in a given situation, and tried to do that, rather than repeat any of what they ACTUALLY did. But I know I’ve made mistakes, we all do. And some of them still pain me.

But we’ve always been supportive of him in every way we could. He tells us he’s a straight boy, and that’s fine, but if he ever discovers he isn’t that’s also fine. We let him explore the things he wants to explore, and be who he wants to be. Even when that’s something we can’t fathom.

He has no interest in creative pursuits, really, which is very weird as Susan and I basically never stop writing and creating! Different things just make him happy, and that’s okay. If he’s happy and safe, what else matters?

One of my absolute favorite things is when I came out to him. We were in the kitchen making dinner together, standing next to each other at the stove. And I was super nervous about it. Now we live in California and kids here actually learn about trans people in health class!

And we’d talked with him about trans people and gay people so he’d know it’s just another way some people are and there’s nothing wrong with it. So coming out to him SHOULD go well, right? But still you just never know.

So I worked up the courage and said hey, I know you’ve learned about trans people in school, and I just want you to know I am one. I’m actually a woman, and I’ll be transitioning. So I’ll be wearing women’s clothes, and will start growing breasts, and I’ll change my name…

And his reply? “…okay.” THAT WAS IT. Like UGH why are we even talking you’re my parent and thus deeply uncool, and I do not at all care if you’re trans or not. It was… well, it was HILARIOUS but also absolutely beautiful and perfect.

He accepted me without question, and even stood up for me to family members in a way that I know was very hard for him. But he did it. And just the thought of it still makes me teary. I have never been prouder of him. He’s such a wonderful kid.

But he doesn’t call me “mom.” To be fair, he doesn’t really call Susan “mom” either. He doesn’t call either of us anything, most of the time. We’ve had talks about it, but I’ve never been able to figure out what I’d LIKE him to call me.

I told him “dad” was still fine. I don’t like it, but it’s what he’s called me his entire life (again, on the rare instances he actually calls me anything), and I know he wouldn’t mean anything awful or be trying to misgender me with it.

But I don’t much like the word, as in our society it implies a male-ness that I’d rather not be associated with. But I also felt for a long, long time like he couldn’t call me “mom.” Part of that is because if that was Susan, how could it also be me?

I’m sure part of it was also my own internalized transphobia not believing that was a word that was “allowed” to apply to me. You can see the Trans Tuesday on that for a much deeper dive on all the ways INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA messes with our heads.

So how does one define motherhood? It’s not just cis women who give birth, because people adopt and can earn the title of “mom” in your life even if they never officially adopted you. And there are surrogates too. But how would our son differentiate between Susan and me?

He’s too old now for Susan to be “mom” and for me to be “mommy” or “mama,” so… what do we do? What do non-binary parents do? I don’t know. Why do our words for parents have to be so horribly gendered? Oh right, the false dichotomy.

And so Mother’s Day is a HORRIBLY complex, weird, and slightly awful day for me. My mother died over a decade ago and we had a fairly terrible relationship. My son doesn’t call me “mom,” I wasn’t sure I felt like a mom. Do I want to be a mom?

I don’t want to be a “dad,” but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a parent. Being our son’s parent has been one of the most wonderful, difficult, challenging, special, beautiful things in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

But is there a word for me and what I am to him? For him to call me? Or refer to me by? It’d be pretty damned weird for him to say something like, “My parent just texted me this terrible meme,” for example. So what do we do?

I have absolutely no idea. As of the writing of this essay, I’ve been out for nearly three years, it’s been over three years into my full transition, it’s been over eight years since my personal transition started. And I still don’t have an answer.

What I do know is I changed my twitter bio from saying I was a “parent,” to saying I am a “mom,” and it made me feel… good. It felt right. He doesn’t have to call me that. If he did it’d be great and wonderful, but also weird and complicated.

For now, calling myself a mom and knowing that I love my kid more than all the stars in the universe and want nothing more than for him to be who HE wants to be, and to be safe, happy, and loved, is enough.

And maybe that’s all it needs to be.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

UPDATE 10/6/23

Today’s my birthday, and while Susan and our kid were singing me happy birthday, without either of us talking to him about it and completely unbidden, he just called me “mom”.

The feeling is literally indescribable. I will never get a better birthday present.

My heart. 💜😭

A TRANS RE-WEDDING

Welcome to #TransTuesday! On March 23, 2024, my wife and I renewed our vows and got married all over again, so we could have one with the real me. It didn’t go to plan, it wasn’t perfect, and it was the best day of my entire life. Let’s dive into A TRANS RE-WEDDING!

A framed sign that says “Tilly & Susan’s Re-Wedding” with an arrow pointing right

This was something I’d thought about not too far into my transition. I didn’t know if it would be possible, and had no frame of reference for what it would be like, but I knew that one of the best days of my life had been entirely marred by my dysphoria, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have a wedding without it muting everything into a painful gray paste.

I have almost no gender dysphoria anymore, though occasionally it pops up in unexpected ways, and I imagine it always will. Maybe it won’t! We can hope. But if you want to see what that struggle was like for me, see the GENDER DYSPHORIA trans tuesday.

And, like, even if you ARE familiar with dysphoria, but you haven’t absorbed my trans tuesday on it, definitely do that first. Because you need to know what I was dealing with.

So our original wedding was… look, I got to marry my best friend and the love of my entire life, and that was THE BEST THING. But it also sucked for a lot of reasons (entirely unrelated to my lovely wife Susan).

For one, I was in a goddamned tux, which I hated, Hated, H A T E D. I always always hated them, because suits of any kind are just about the most man-coded clothing there is. I felt gross and disgusting and it made me want to cry.

You can see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE for a little more on my hate/hate relationship with tuxedoes, suits, and neckties.

But also, the wedding and reception were in two hotel ballrooms across from each other. They were… look, the rooms were ugly as shit. Just absolutely unpleasant to be in. I’m told the food was terrible, but I don’t remember it (I’ve lost a lot of memories from that day due to all the dissociating I did for my entire life, due to the aforementioned dysphoria).

See the trans tuesdays on TRANS GRIEF for a little more on the huge gaps in my memory from the dissociation I had to do to survive my dysphoria.

But also the entire thing wasn’t what WE wanted, it was what everyone else wanted and expected. Not just in terms of weddings of apparent cis and straight people, but of Susan and me specifically. So getting to fix all of those things, too, was super exciting.

We invited all the people we love and care about (and not people we were “expected” to), and while some sadly couldn’t make it for scheduling reasons, as always happens, we got to celebrate OUR love with the people WE love, and that made it even more special.

There were people at our original wedding that I didn’t even KNOW (and I don’t mean as plus-ones, that’s fine, I mean we invited people and I didn’t even know who they were), so even that change was amazing.

I got to wear a fancy dress (It’s officially now the most expensive clothing item I own), and I loved it so much. Susan looked even more beautiful in this dress than she did in her original one, again because this was one SHE liked and not what she was expected to wear.

But it was supposed to be outside in this beautiful courtyard, and Los Angeles (of! all! places!) rained us out.

A photo of a courtyard with a brick patio and white chairs, and round wooden tables turned on their sides. The ground and tables and everything else is wet, as it’s raining.

Thankfully the venue was able to move us into an adjacent ballroom, and we propped doors open on both ends and got a good crossbreeze to make it as covid-safe as possible, but that meant a worry about if it would be safe ENOUGH.

It meant a ton of last-minute decisions, because this is the spot where the ceremony was supposed to happen.

(Photo by Kim Newmoney)

Me in my fuchsia dress, kissing my wife Susan in a purple dress, under a white lattice arch, in front of green mountains and under a very blue but very cloudy sky. The ground is wet.

Look how wet the ground is. Look how cloudy that sky is. We were luckily able to snap some photos outside between bouts of rain, but we couldn’t have the ceremony and reception out there. You can see it was giving me feelings as soon as we’d gotten home.

A BlueSky post I made as soon as we were home from our re-wedding that reads:
We are home

It didn’t go to plan

It didn’t matter

It was the single greatest day of my life

@susanlbridges.bsky.social, you and me babe

Until the world blows up

It meant all the gorgeous flowers we paid a florist to decorate that lattice arch with had to go somewhere else… somehow. But they did a tremendous job making a little ceremony space out of them! (initially the purple ones that matched Susan’s dress and bouquet were to go on the left side of the lattice, where I’d stand, and the pink ones that matched my dress and bouquet would go on the right side of the lattice, where she’d stand).

A large grouping of purple/earth tone flowers on the floor of a ballroom, artfully arranged on the left, across from a large grouping of pink flowers on the right. Behind them in a very large window with a palm tree outside it, and behind that you can see green mountains and the valley behind it.

The DJ had to find a spot to fit into the new ballroom. All the food stations we had paid for had to somehow fit in there too, along with enough tables to seat everyone. And a space to do the ceremony. And a “dance floor,” that there really was no space for. And some of the food was… not what we’d been told it would be, which I’m less than thrilled about.

But like so many things in life, nothing’s perfect, right? I mean, it was and is the most perfect, best day of my life, but stuff still wasn’t exactly the way we wanted it. But then what is?

But it was filled with so much love, and joy, and it was so PERFECTLY US, I can’t be anything but thrilled with it. We even had a bouquet duel, and if that ain’t US I don’t know what is.

My wife Susan and me, in our re-wedding dresses, attacking each other with our bouquets as if they were weapons. (Photo by Kim Newmoney)

Okay Tilly, enough of that, let’s get on with it already. During our original wedding, from what memories I do have… it’s so hard to describe. Here was the most amazing woman in the world, and she was telling the world she loved me so much she wanted to be with me forever. And I was doing the same, and oh my god that was the most amazing thing.

But on top of the tux, I was now being called a “husband” and I’m pretty sure the officiant said to Susan, “do you take this man to be…” and it killed me. IT KILLED ME. It was so INCREDIBLY man-coded in every way, as “traditional” cishet weddings are.

So the best day of my life, to that point, was also completely horrible, and painful, and sent me into a twenty foot hole and covered me over with concrete.

I’ve talked before how PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS can be so tough for trans people, because we never see ourselves in them pre-transition. See that trans tuesday for more.

And if you want to see when, around two and half years into my transition, they suddenly got better when my face changed enough from hormone replacement therapy, see the trans tuesday on PHOTOS 2, aka THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.

I’m to the point now where even photos other people take of me I often like, though not always. But they don’t usually spike my dysphoria, I just think they’re bad photos (and people should honestly only post the good photos of me they take, come on, that’s just science).

And I’m talking about photos here because I think the best way to show you the difference in ME, from original dysphoria wedding to post-transition euphoria wedding…. Is to actually SHOW you. So here we go.

I mentioned in the trans tuesday on PHOTOS how I had a wedding photo on my dresser, and I see it every day of my life, but that’s not ME in it, and it reminds me of our wedding (yay) but also how much pain I was in (boo). Well, here’s the “me” from that photo:

A very sad “man” in a tuxedo, with a plastered-on fake smile and very dead eyes.

Look at those dead eyes. That very obviously super fake smile. And this was the one photo from the entire day I LIKED ENOUGH TO PUT ON DISPLAY. It makes me feel terrible just looking at it. Is that photo fooling anyone? Would ANYONE look at that and say “that guy looks so happy?”

You can see where I cut myself shaving on my chin, because for that day, I shaved closer than I EVER had in my life (to that point). I didn’t want ANY stubble whatsoever anywhere on my face for this day, whereas usually I avoided shaving because the act gave me dysphoria (but so did having facial hair). It’s almost as if, subconsciously, I knew that any stubble or facial hair COMBINED with the tux would be so much dysphoria it’d do me in and I wouldn’t be able to handle it, huh?

I couldn’t have told you it was gender dysphoria at the time, but that’s what all of it was and I literally only made that connection to WHY I shaved so damned ultra-close that day RIGHT NOW. Ha ha, there were no signs, right?

Yes there were, of course there were… thousands. Yes, there’s a trans tuesday on THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE.

Okay so there’s a candid shot of me from our re-wedding that I love. I adore it with all my heart. It’s not the one where I look the prettiest, or super stunning or anything. It’s because I CAN SEE MY JOY. I can see the LIFE AND LIGHT in my eyes. And I’m looking at Susan, the love of my life, right after our first dance after the ceremony. Look at it. LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE.

A very, very happy Tilly, doing something strange with my arms (I have no idea what), but my face is SO full of love and joy it makes me wanna fly. (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)

We danced to ALL I KNOW SO FAR, by P!nk, which may be the most beautiful song ever written (this is my essay, I get to decide so SHUT UP OKAY). And i sang every word of it to her as I looked into her eyes, and did my best not to cry and ruin the expensive makeup I paid a very nice pro makeup artist to come and do for me.

And if you don’t know what P!nk has meant to me and my transition, oh yeah, there’s a trans tuesday about her and FINDING OUR OWN REPRESENTATION (P!nk).

The difference in those two photos blows my entire fluffy mind. That’s how I SHOULD have felt the first time we got married, and now I actually got to, and it was legit the best feeling in the world.

I was so happy, and so free, and so much MYSELF than I was at the first one. Like, I never used to dance. Ever. For anything. At our original wedding I did the first dance with Susan and nothing more, and I had not danced at all in public since. Not even once.

Because I didn’t want attention, I couldn’t stand the thought of people looking at me, seeing the false shell, forcing me to play the part I didn’t know how to play, didn’t want to play, and that wounded me to the core.

And yeah… I danced. Every second that I felt like it, which was often. There’s even photographic proof.

Me dancing, ALONE, at our re-wedding. (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)

Unfortunately, possibly due to there being no actual dance floor, basically nobody else danced at our re-wedding, and certainly nobody else danced with me. It was kinda sad! But I danced anyway.

We told the DJ to only play a custom playlist that I made myself, and it was filled with straight bangers (I was so surprised that a lot of people? Said they loved the music? Without even knowing it was all my doing? That’s so cool!)

If you’d like to see the custom playlist I made, here you go! The DJ asked us to divide it into MUST PLAY and PLAY IF POSSIBLE, and to include at least 140 songs (because they don’t play entire songs and mix between, as DJs do).

Also, look how good I look in this one. C’mon. C’MON! Eeeee!

A shot of me outside the venue, from a little below, waist-up, showing off my dress and matching glasses and flower in my hair and they even match the pink stars in my tattoo! (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)

There’s one other song I want to mention specifically by name, and it relates to my finally feeling free enough to dance in public, but we’ll come back to that in a bit.

One of our dearest life-long friends brought her husband, who we’d only met once before (we live far apart), and he asked her what I was like. She told me that she told him that I was incredibly quiet and reserved, until I really got to know you and would open up, but that took a very long time. And this was midway through our re-wedding, where I’d been dancing and smiling and having the time of my life, in public, in front of everyone I love (and I’m not REMOTELY quiet or “shy” anymore)… so she told me “it seems I was operating on old information.”

A clearer picture of the changes transition has brought to my life you may never find! See the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE and how I’m now not only fine with being noticed and taking up space, I ACTUALLY LIKE IT. I’m done making myself small. For any reason.

If you didn’t know, Susan and I met online writing Star Trek fanfic when we were wee babies, because we are giant nerds and both love Trek the most and we’re writers, and honestly nothing could be more perfect or more us.

And we wanted to reflect that in our re-wedding. So our guestbook was a selection of over a hundred Star Trek postcards, spanning all the shows, people could write messages on and drop in our Subspace Communications box (which was decorated with laminated pics of Star Trek romances!)

A holo-foil box that says “subspace communications” with pictures of Mariner and Jennifer, Picard and Crusher, Dax and Worf, and Picard and Crusher

A holo-foil box with photos of Sisko and Yates, Adira and Gray, Culber and Stamets, Riker and Troi, and Bashir and Garak

A holo-foil box with pictures of Odo and Kira, Seven and Raffi, Miles and Keiko, Burnham and Book, and Torres and Paris

Our wedding favor bags were in the Star Trek division colors, and had Federation insignias on the back! (the inside had typewriter keys turned into magnets that spelled L O V E, italian wedding almonds, and a raffle ticket!)

An instructional plaque in the LCARS design that says:
GUESTBOOK: Please write a message on a postcard, sign it, and place it in the Subspace Communications box.

GUEST FAVORS
Choose your division! Red – Command, Yellow – Operations, Blue – Sciences
One per guest! Save your raffle ticket!

Red, Yellow, and Blue wedding favor bags with a sticker on them of a typewriter with flowers, and the text “thank you for being part of our story, Tilly & Susan”

Red, Yellow, and Blue wedding favor bags closed with a blue “Wax seal” with silver stars on it, resembling the blue and white Federation insignia from Star Trek

All the table centerpieces were made by us, and were small tvs with alien plants coming out the top, and a laminated photo of one Trek tv show crew in the front so it was “displayed” on the tv (we raffled these off to people who attended!). We even wrote ten jokes about plants to put on the back of each of them, because we are bananas masquerading as people.

A small plastic old-style television with a picture of the Next Generation crew on the “screen”, and multicolored alien-looking fake plants sticking out the top.

Do you wanna see the ten jokes we came up with for the backs? Sure you do! They were all in the LCARS style, like the plaque photo above, and opened with:

Sourced from across the Federation, and the deepest corners of the Delta and Gamma Quadrants, this selection of xenoflora includes the-

And then continued to a different joke on the back of each one:

Screaming Foliagmus of Abuemsic IV, which emits a high-frequency screech that renders humanoids unconscious whenever left alone (do not leave unattended).

Kelpien Abyssal Rhodohelix, which routinely opens microportals to feed on subspace particles. Storing near warp cores may result in deconstruction of humanoids and destruction of all life in the universe.

Andorian Dandy Violencia, which expels spores that burrow into a host’s epidermis and gestate, causing Violencia specimens to sprout at the impact site. These specimens may then be removed and potted in carbon-rich soil.

Iconian Leafhaver, which winks out of existence only to reappear elsewhere in the galaxy. It then immediately returns, faster than the eye can see. In fact it just did it now, but you missed it because you were reading this.

Mycelial Netspreader, which is attached to every other instance of itself throughout the galaxy via an interconnected network. Failure to tend to it will result in the death of the entire galaxy-wide being, making you one of history’s greatest monsters.

Vulcan Floating Razorleaf, whose leaves will detach with the slightest breeze and float about. The leaf edges are sharp enough to score tritantium, and if handled carefully, can also be used to give bowl-shaped haircuts (do not handle).

Denobulan Bringer of Darkness, which, when angry, can absorb all light within a 50-foot radius, from ultraviolet to infrared. This effect lasts for 4 – 12875 days, until the SBoD’s mood has improved, and has no known counter (do not anger).

Potent Endrunkifier of Orion, whose odor is known to cause intoxication-like effects in humanoids and felines. Do not inhale while operating heavy machinery or piloting a starship (failure to comply may result in court martial).

Klingon Death Spikiferonicus, known for its sharp and arresting appearance, is a very gentle plant that will sing to its owner if it enjoys your company. (but Klingons would have you believe otherwise, to keep all the singing for themselves).

Here’s another of the centerpieces with my bouquet (left) and Susan’s bouquet (right), along with a photo of my dad, who didn’t get to be part of our original wedding in any way for complicated and bad reasons. See the trans tuesday on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU (my dad).

Two floral bouquets with a Star Trek Prodigy centerpiece between them, and a photo of my dad

We even had Star Trek reflected in our ceremony, oh yes we did, because we used the stunningly beautiful Klingon wedding ceremony from Deep Space Nine as the basis. And that worked out extra well, because that wedding was between Jadzia Dax and Worf, and Dax was so important to me for reasons I didn’t understand as a trans kid (there will be a trans tuesday on her at some point), and also I’m a LOT like her, and Susan is a LOT like Worf, and honestly it couldn’t have been more perfect.

Our officiant was a dear friend of ours named Jenn. Here’s the ceremony, and our vows, which we kept secret from each other and heard for the first time as we spoke them to each other.

JENN: Friends and family, honored guests, Federation citizens, and foolish mortals, I am Lady Jenn, and I thank you for joining us here today. I stand before you as a magnificent human who means the world to Tilly and Susan, and I have to say that out loud because they wrote this and I agreed to say it. So really, that’s on me.

JENN: Before we begin, I would like to remind you that there will be a drawing to determine who gets to take home those very cool and unique centerpieces that Susan and Tilly made. Wow, they really are creative and generous, aren’t they? Gosh. I’m so glad they wrote that for me to say. Your raffle tickets are in your wedding favor bags, hopefully you didn’t eat it along with the almonds.

JENN: I would also like to remind you that you’re all invited to the after-party, from 6 to 10 pm. There will be a food truck with, ostensibly, food, and plenty of booze and non-booze drinks available. But a quick reminder, Romulan Ale is strictly prohibited by the Federation charter, section 99, subsection 3, paragraph 27.

JENN: And now, let us get to the reason we’re here today, to talk of connection, and friendship, and family, and love.

JENN: With fire and steel did the gods forge the Klingon heart. So fiercely did it beat, so loud was the sound, that the gods cried out, ‘On this day we have brought forth the strongest heart in all the heavens. None can stand before it without trembling at its strength.’

JENN: But then the Klingon’s heart weakened, its steady rhythm faltered. And the gods said, ‘Why have you weakened so? We have made you the strongest in all of creation. And the heart said:

SUSAN: I am alone.

JENN: And the gods knew that they had erred. So they went back to their forge and brought forth another heart. And the heart said:

TILLY: If we join together, no force can stop us.

JENN: And the first heart said:

SUSAN: (Susan has asked that I not put her vows in here for the entire world to read, which is absolutely fine, but know they were beautiful and hilarious, they touched my heart AND she got the biggest laugh of the entire thing, which I am very jealous of).

JENN: And the second heart said:

TILLY:
I think I’ve written and re-written this twenty-seven times now, and I still don’t know if I got it right. At first I thought I did, and I was super proud of myself as I’d somehow forgotten what first drafts are actually like. And THEN I thought surely draft five is where it’s at, but then I wondered if it was funny enough.

SHOULD it be funnier? It should probably be funnier. We’re very funny people! As everyone here will confirm because this is our day and that’s the law otherwise you go to wedding jail, sorry I don’t make the rules.

Should there be actual vows in here? I vow to do this and I vow to do that? Gosh I don’t know. This is so hard. I wish I had a writing partner. Oh wait.

And this is what I figured out. This is so difficult to write because even though I’m a writer, I find words inadequate to express the depth of my love for you. But also because I’m writing them alone. And I don’t want to write them alone. I want to write them WITH YOU. I want to BE with you. I want to do EVERYTHING with you, because you are the air that gives me life and lifted me up so I could learn to fly.

So yes, let’s vow! I’m all in on earnestness, and maybe it’ll be good! Anything’s possible.

I vow to be the wife you deserve, which is nothing less than the best in all existence. But that should be fine, right? I AM amazing. No pressure.

I vow to continue to be your best friend, and your writing partner, your laughing, crying, living, breathing, struggling, failing, winning, succeeding, everything partner, every day until the end of time, and then at least a couple weeks beyond that.

But speaking of earnestness, let me really dig in, because when else will I ever get the chance to be uncomfortably vulnerable in front of all the people we love and care about?

I gotta seize the moment to thank you for giving me the space, time, and patience to find myself. You let me experiment, you let me discover, you let me uncover my truth, figure out who I am, become who I’ve always been but never thought I could actually be. And that could never have happened, I could have never happened, without you. I am here, in front of you all, in this amazing dress with THE most fabulous hair looking SO super hot (it’s okay if you’re too intimidated to tell me)… I am HERE, I am HAPPY, I am HOT, and I EXIST because of you.

We promised to keep these vows to a single page, and that’s supremely unfair to me because I don’t know how to shut up. I’m not sure why I’m saying this, except to let me complain about a thing I agreed to. Maybe to relieve some pressure? I should delete this in revisions. Whoops.

Anyway! Here we are, doing our wedding again, all these years later. As the real YOU and the real ME, two super queer and incredibly stunning ladies, doing it the way WE want, with all of the people that WE love, and it is the honor of my life to stand in front of them, and the magnificent and brilliant Lady Jenn, and our fantastic son who we love so much, and YOU, Susan, my princess, to say that you are my light and my warmth and my best friend and my breath and my heart and my life. You are my home. You are my everything.

I will be with you until the world blows up.

And I’ll love you longer than always, and farther than forever.

JENN: And when the two hearts began to beat together, they filled the heavens with a terrible sound. For the first time, the gods knew fear. They tried to flee, but it was too late. The Klingon hearts destroyed the gods who created them and turned the heavens to ashes. To this very day, no one can oppose the beating of two Klingon hearts. Susan, daughter of Italy and Germany of the planet Earth, challenger of repressives and regressives, does your heart beat only for this woman?

SUSAN: Yes.

JENN: And will you swear to join with her and stand with her against all who oppose you?

SUSAN: I swear.

JENN: Tilly, daughter of Wayne and parts unknown, champion of truth and imagination, does your heart beat only for this woman?

TILLY: Yes.

JENN: And do you swear to join with her and stand with her against all who would oppose you?

TILLY: I swear.

JENN: Then let all present here today know that these women are re-married.

JENN: And now there will be smooching!

And folks, if you’ve never heard nearly all of the people you love and care about in the entire world ROAR AND CHEER when you kiss your wife at your real true wedding as your real true self… god damn, there’s nothing else like it.

Also, what I said in my vows was absolutely true. I am who I am, I am ME, I was able to transition, because of the love and support Susan gave me. I talked about that in the trans tuesday on CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT.

I’m going to finally close this out with the one other song I wanted to mention. I talked about how some things went wrong with the day, but truly the only regret I have is this:

As our last song of the day, in which the DJ was to encourage everyone there to get up and dance with us (if able and comfortable), was P!nk’s NEVER GONNA NOT DANCE AGAIN.

Because it’s a song about exactly what I’m feeling. About never NOT dancing again. Because I won’t make myself small, I won’t hide. I’m not miserable, I’m full of love and life and joy and I want to SHARE IT with everyone I love in this world.

But also it’s very much kind of a “death before detransition” song, because it’s about not giving up your own joy to make someone else happy, about not being who someone ELSE wants you to be at the expense of your own joy. Because this is YOUR life, and you have to BE YOU and do what MAKES YOU HAPPY.

And since I first heard it, all I could think of was having a giant dance party to it with all of my friends. And so I wanted that to close out this day, and it would be magical.

But we haven’t thrown any kind of events or parties since our original wedding, and I’d forgotten that… nobody stays the entire time. The DJ had instructions to play it like ten minutes before the end of the reception, and by then… everyone had gone.

It played to an empty ballroom, with just me and Susan and our kid, and the photographer, and the aforementioned lifelong friend who stayed to help us carry things back out to our car.

And as this song I love, that was so important to me, echoed around the empty ballroom, I was so sad none of my friends were there to dance with me.

And so…

The only solution…

Is that we need to have another huge party for our anniversary in five years, and all of our friends will hopefully have read this, and know that WE WILL LISTEN TO THIS SONG EARLY, AND YOU WILL DANCE WITH ME AND IT WILL BE AMAZING.

Susan and me kissing in the ballroom, surrounded by all our guests, who are cheering. Outside the window behind us you can see the dark and gloomy skies.

I never knew a day like this was possible. I never knew someone could feel so good, so human and whole, and loved.

What a difference a life makes.

From a sad shell in a tux to a genuinely happy pretty lady in a dress, holy crap. (right photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)

Let’s do it again in five years, Susan. Every year. Every day. You’re my everything.

I will be with you until the world blows up.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Thank YOU (yes, YOU) for reading this, and all my trans tuesdays. You’re an important part of my life, too. 💜

A closeup photo of the sticker on a blue wedding favor back, with a typewriter and flowers, that says “thank you for being part of our story, Tilly & Susan”

TRANSMEDICALISM (and WPATH version 1)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad concept that plagues the trans community, and you might be surprised to learn where it comes from: TRANSMEDICALISM, and WPATH version 1.

Trans Day of Visibility is coming up, so this is something I wanted to talk about as it’s related to TDoV in ways you might not realize. To begin with, see the trans tuesday on THIS IS NOT FOR YOU aka TRANS DAY OF VISIBILITY (yes, you are enough).

Let me just hit you with this: the REASON so many trans people feel like we might not be trans enough is BECAUSE OF TRANSMEDICALISM. This is what I mean when I say these things are related. Actually, they’re not just related, they’re sisters who share a bedroom.

So what exactly is transmedicalism? In the most GENEROUS of terms, it’s the belief that you cannot be trans if you do not experience GENDER DYSPHORIA.

But as I said in that trans tuesday, you don’t need to have dysphoria to be trans (though perhaps broadening that term to be more inclusive, as I discussed there, would change that). But as dysphoria is presently defined by the cis people in charge of our healthcare…

No, you absolutely DO NOT need to experience dysphoria in that exact way to be transgender. You do not, you Do Not, YOU DO NOT. YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.

But more realistically and truthfully, you will find transmedicalists believe that you’re only trans if you medically transition, and only if you basically get ALL the medical transition.

So, for example, you’re not “really” trans if you don’t have horrid gender dysphoria, go on hormone replacement therapy, and get basically every single gender-confirming surgery that exists.

Do you see the problems with this? I don’t know how you could miss them, they’re visible from orbit. If someone doesn’t want HRT but needs a gender confirmation surgery to feel right, that’s… fine. If someone wants HRT but no surgeries to feel right, that’s… fine.

If someone CAN’T medically transition, due to cost, or an unaccepting or dangerous home life, or for medical reasons… that doesn’t make them any less trans.

If someone chooses not to transition for whatever reason, that doesn’t make them any less trans!

Transitioning is NOT what makes you trans. What makes you trans is an incongruence between your gender and your body, AND THAT IS IT. You do not have to transition to be trans!

And if you stop and think for two seconds about transmedicalist beliefs, you instantly realize there is NO PLACE within it for nonbinary people. You either go from cis man to trans woman, or cis woman to trans man, with EVERY medical intervention possible. The end.

And I’m sorry, but that’s not the way it fucking works. YOU don’t get to tell other people who they are, who they can be, or what they HAVE to do with their bodies. That is EXACTLY WHAT CIS TRANSPHOBES DO TO TRANS PEOPLE!

This is horrid gatekeeping within the trans community, and that’s the LAST thing we need when the false cis binary of society, cis politicians, cis doctors, cis friends and relatives all gatekeep our transness. We can NOT be doing it to ourselves.

And now we’re getting to the heart of the matter, and why I said you’d be surprised at where this came from. Or maybe you won’t be surprised at all, because the answer is:

Cis people.

Let’s have a little history lesson! In the past… and in the not too far off past, mind you… this was the only way to transition. It was the only way cis doctors would LET trans people transition. Because they decided that was the only thing that made us actually transgender.

In 1979, WPATH (the World Professional Association for Transgender Health) was formed to try and standardize care for trans patients. It’s still being used today, with version 8 released in 2022. It’s… getting better. It’s still not perfect. It started off… awful.

I found a copy of the WPATH standards of care version one, from 1979. It’s kinda horrific. WPATH doesn’t have it on their website. And I’d be a bit less mad about it if WPATH just had it on their site for informational and educational purposes.

Just attach a note saying “we no longer agree with the recommendations in this, which were in many ways harmful, and are working to be better.” It took a lot of time and creative digging to find it. I don’t know if it’s intentionally trying to be hidden, but it feels like it.

Anyway, let’s have a look at some choice bits from the very first WPATH standards of care from 1979.

“4.1.1. Principle 1. Hormonal and surgical sex reassign­ment is extensive in its effects, is invasive to the integrity of the human body, has effects and consequences which are not, or are not readily, reversible…

“and may be requested by persons experiencing short-termed delusions or beliefs which may later be changed and reversed.”

Which is basically saying, “what trans people want is a horrible mutilation, and they may be just lying or not really mean it when they say they’re trans!” When you’re starting from this mindset, things aren’t gonna go great.

“4.1.4. …Hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassign­ment on demand (i.e. justified simply because the patient has requested such procedures) is contraindicated. It is herein declared to be professionally improper to conduct, offer, administer or perform hormonal sex reassignment…

“and/or surgical sex-reassignment without careful evaluation of the patient’s reasons for requesting such services and evaluation of the beliefs and attitudes upon which such reasons are based.”

You can’t BELIEVE a trans person! No no no! They can only get care if a cis person deems they need it. HOLY MOLY. To wit, see the trans tuesday on TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM to learn how I had to prove I was trans to a cis woman to get the care I needed.

“4.3.1. …The psychiatric/psychologic recom­mendation for hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassignment should, in part, be based upon an evaluation of how well the patient fits the diagnostic criteria for transsexualism as listed in the DSM-III…”

The DSM referenced is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. That’s right! They thought we all had mental disorders, isn’t that… fun? Let’s look at some of those criteria:

“Persistent wish to be rid of one’s own genitals and to live as a member of the other sex.”

aka “If you don’t want different genitals, you’re not trans!” Do you see the roots of transmedicalism? They’re right in front of you.

“The disturbance has been continuous (not limited to periods of stress) for at least two years.”

Did you only just discover why you felt so bad your whole life? Too bad! Wait two more years to do anything about it. Again see my trans tuesday on the intake exam and how I had to find instances from my life i could use as examples to “prove” my transness.

“Absence of physical intersex or genetic abnormality.”

aka “intersex people go home, we will not help you.”

“4.3.2. …requires that the psychia­trist or psychologist have knowledge, independent of the patient’s verbal claim, that the dysphoria, discomfort, sense of inappropriateness and wish to be rid of one’s own genitals, have existed for at least two years.

“This evidence may be obtained by interview of the patient’s appointed informant (friend or relative) or it may best be obtained by the fact that the psychiatrist or psychologist has personally known the patient for an extended period of time.”

Can’t trust trans people! You can only listen to CIS people you can independently confirm their transness with! AAAUUUUUGH

“The best indicator for hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment is how successfully the patient has been in living-out, full-time, vocationally and avocationally, in all social situations…

“the social role of the genetically other sex and how successful the patient has been in being accepted by others as a member of that genetically other sex.”

How GOOD are they at making you believe they’re the gender they say they are? How well do they conform? Do they not conform to gendered stereotypes? NOT TRANS!

I’m gonna scream. You HAD to uphold the false cis binary, in that if you were assigned male at birth but were a trans woman, to transition you had to be attracted to MEN. In fact, your doctor often had to think you could make an attractive woman before they’d let you!

Much worse but entirely related is that there was a whole lot of sexual abuse happening to those trans women, at the hands of their doctors, with the threat of losing access to medical care if they refused hanging over their heads.

“Genital sex-reassignment shall be preceded by a period of at least 12 months during which time the patient lives full-time in the social role of the genetically other sex.”

You were FORCED to live as your true gender for a year before you were ALLOWED access to the healthcare you needed! Do you understand what that entails, and how difficult and impossible that was for trans people? How dangerous?

Do you realize it wasn’t even living as your true gender for a year, it was living as your cis doctor’s ***IDEA*** idea of your true gender? If you didn’t hit every damned gendered stereotype THEY wanted to see, you couldn’t be you! My blood, it boils.

Do you cis folks reading know how impossible and horrible that would be for YOU to do? Live exactly as someone else dictates you should based on your gender? And if you don’t conform to their personal biases, goodbye any chance of being yourself ever again.

And, oh god this makes me so mad… often the only way forward was to leave your entire life behind, move somewhere new, and go stealth. A stealth trans person is someone who’s not out as trans, who passes for a cis person of their gender, and lets everyone think they’re cis.

This was known as “woodworking,” meaning you “disappear into the woodwork” and aren’t seen as trans, by anyone, ever. You were forced to HIDE YOUR TRANSNESS.

See the trans tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING for more on what passing as cis really means.

Here’s one trans woman’s account of doing that very thing, and how it was expected as the natural outcome, as was compulsory cisgender-passing and compulsory heterosexuality, when she transitioned in the 1980s.

As you can see right there, and as I’ve said a million times, trans visibility is SO IMPORTANT. To see trans joy, to see other trans people out there living their lives, being happy and free, makes us think we can do it too.

And we were forced to hide it. All of it. It was basically that or no transition at all.

Trans people have always existed, despite this and everything else stacked against us. We’re not a fad, we’re not new, we’re not a phase. See the trans tuesday on TRANS HISTORY 1 for more.

But this is part of WHY it can be so hard to spot trans people in history. They didn’t have the terminology, they didn’t have the ability or the safety to be out, and when they DID… so many were FORCED TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD.

And this is where transmedicalism stems from. It was created by those cis doctors as a method of controlling trans people, forcing us into small little boxes that upheld the false cis binary matrix of society. Because open and out trans people prove that binary is a lie.

Trans people who DON’T need every single bit of medical transition prove it’s a lie. Nobinary people prove it’s a lie. Us being out and open helps more of us come out and be free and proves the cis binary is. Not. Real.

So for many trans people who HAD to go through that just to be able to transition, they’ve internalized that transmedicalism. And yeah, that’s INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA. One hundred percent.

Many trans people forced through that bought into it entirely, and told other trans people that was the ONLY way to be trans. And it spread from there, on down the line, to where it’s now a serious problem in the trans community.

It’s caused a split, where transmedicalists call those of us who know gender is more than a false binary TUCUTE, as a way of minimizing the importance of our beliefs, like we’re just some naive children who don’t understand.

And then the tucutes collectively call the transmeds TRUSCUM. But if it’s caused the kind of division where we’re making up nicknames to otherize those with opposing views… who do you think benefits from that?

Transmedicalists think passing is the goal, and if you don’t want to pass you’re either not trans or shouldn’t even bother. They think your gender expression has to conform to the rigid stereotypes of men and women, otherwise you’re not “really” a man or a woman.

And also, let me just say that transmedicalist beliefs are so OBVIOUSLY bullshit because when you boil them down you’re left with… women have vaginas and men have penises.

It’s reducing genders down to nothing more than their genitals, and WHAT ON ACTUAL GREEN EARTH has feminism been fighting against SINCE ITS INCEPTION?? Women, AND men, are MORE than just what is or isn’t between their legs!

It’s so blatantly obvious this is all just another method of control, of upholding the false binary, so that those in power can maintain their power and not have it challenged by the proof that it’s all made up nonsense, and cis men really AREN’T better at everything and more important.

It’s reductive, it’s harmful, it’s not even true! There is more than “man” and “woman”. Gender is a spectrum, with cis men at one end and cis women at the other, and the space between is filled with a million color variations.

As it was so difficult for me to find the horrific WPATH standards of care version 1, I’ve copied the entire text of it and included it at the end of this document.

We have to preserve these things, so we know our history, because it informs our present. We cannot forget what cis doctors put us through, or what it did to us as a community.

We have GOT to stop gatekeeping each other. We have GOT to stop spreading society’s transphobia and doing the work of our own oppression. We have GOT to help each other be whoever we truly are, and not what cis people OR OTHER TRANS PEOPLE want us to be.

YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU’RE OUT OR NOT.

YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU TRANSITION OR NOT.

YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU GET ALL THE MEDICAL TRANSITION, SOME, OR NONE.

YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.

AND YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – If you’d like to enrage yourself with the full text of WPATH soc 1, you can read it here.

To preserve this, should the site linked above get taken down, here is the full text of WPATH standards of care version 1 from 1979

(warning: it will make you want to smash stuff)

1. Introduction

As of the beginning of 1979, an undocumentable estimate of the number of adult Americans hormonally and surgically sex-reassigned ranges from 3,000 to 6,000. Also undocumentable is the estimate that be­tween 30,000 and 60,000 persons, worldwide, consider themselves to be valid candidates for sex-reassignment. As of mid-1978, approximately 460 centers in the Western hemisphere offered surgical sex-reassignment to persons having a multiplicity of behavioral diag­noses applied under a multiplicity of criteria.

In recent decades, the demand for sex-reassignment has increased as have the number and variety of possible psychologic, hormonal and surgical treatments. The rationale upon which such treatments are offered have become more and more complex. Varied philosophies of appropriate care have been suggested by various pro­fessionals identified as experts on the topic of gender identity. However, until the present, no statement on the standard of care to be offered to gender dysphoric patients (sex reassignment applicants) has received official sanction by any identifiable professional group. The present document is designed to fill that void.

1. Statement of Purpose

The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association presents the following as its explicit state­ment on the appropriate standards of care to be offered to applicants for hormonal and surgical sex reassignment.

1. Definitions

3.1 Standard of care. The standards of care, as listed below, are minimal requirements and are not to be con­strued as optimal standards of care. It is recommended that professionals involved in the management of sex-re­assignment cases use the following as minimal criteria for the evaluation of their work. It should be noted that some experts on gender identity recommend that the time parameters listed below should be doubled, or tripled.

3.2 Hormonal sex-reassignment. Hormonal sex-reassign­ment refers to the administration of androgens to geno­typic and Phenotypic females, and the administration of estrogens and/or progesterones to genotypic and phenotypic males, for the purpose of effecting somatic changes in order for the patient to more closely approximate the physical appearance of the genotypically other sex. Hormonal sex-reassignment does not refer to the administra­tion of hormones for the purpose of medical care and/or research conducted for the treatment or study of non-gender dysphoric medical conditions (e.g., aolastic anemia, impotence, cancer, etc.).

3.3 Surgical sex-reassignment. Surgical sex-reassign­ment refers to surgery or the genitalia and/or breasts performed for the Purpose of altering the morphology in order to approximate the physical appearance of the genetically-other sex in persons diagnosed as gender dysphoric. Such surgical procedures as mastectomy, re­duction mammoplasty, augmentation mammopiasty, castration, orchidectomy, penectomy, vaginoplasty, hysterectomy, sal­pingectorsy, vaginectomy, cophorectomy and phalloplasty -­ in the absence of any diagnosable birth defect or other medically defined pathology, except gender dysphoria, are included in this category labeled surgical sex-reassign­ment.

Surgical sex reassignment also refers to any and all other surgical procedures of non-genital or non-breast sites (nose, throat, chin, cheeks, hips, etc.)conducted for the purpose of effecting a more masculine appearance in a genetic female or for the purpose of effecting a more feminine appearance in a genetic male, in the absence of identifiable pathology which would warrant such surgery regardless of the patients genetic sex (facial injuries, hermaphroditism, etc… )

3.4 Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria herein refers to that psychological state whereby a person demonstrates dissatisfaction with their sex of birth and the sex role, as socially defined, which applies to that sex, and who requests ‘hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment. Gender dysphoria, herein, does not refer to cases of infant sex-reassignment or re-announcement nor does it refer to those persons who, although dissatisfied with their geneti­cally and socially defined sex status (i.e., transvestites and transgenderists) usually do not request sex-reassignment. Gender dysphoria, therefore, is the primary working diagnosis applied to any and all persons requesting surgical and hormonal sex-reassignment.

4. Principles and standards

4.1.1. Principle 1. Hormonal and surgical sex reassign­ment is extensive in its effects, is invasive to the integrity of the human body, has effects and consequences which are not, or are not readily, reversible, and may be requested by persons experiencing short-termed delusions or beliefs which may later be changed and reversed.

4.1.2. Principle 2. Hormonal and surgical sex reassignment are procedures requiring medical justification and are not of such minor consequence as to be performed on an elective basis.

4.1.3. Principle 3. Published and unpublished case histories are know in which the decision to undergo hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment was, after the fact, regretted and the final result of such procedures proved to be psychologically dehabilitating to the patients.

4.1.4. Standard 1. Hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassign­ment on demand (i.e. justified simply because the patient has requested such procedures) is contraindicated. It is herein declared to be professionally improper to conduct, offer, administer or perform hormonal sex reassignment and/or surgical sex-reassignment without careful evaluation of the patient’s reasons for requesting such services and evaluation of the beliefs and attitudes upon which such reasons are based.

4.2.1. Principle 4. The analysis or evaluation of reasons, motives, attitudes, purposes, etc., requires skills not usually associated with the -professional training of persons other than psychiatrists and psychologists.

4.2.2. Principle 5. Hormonal and/or surgical sex reassign­ment is performed for the purpose of improving the quality of life as subsequently experienced and such experiences are most properly studied and evaluated by the behavioral scientist (psychiatrist or psychologist).

4.2.3. Principle 6. Hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment are usually offered to persons, in part, because a psychiatric/psychologic diagnosis of transsexualism (see DSM III, proposed, section 302.5X),^lor some related diagnosis, has been made. Such diagnoses are properly made only by psychiatrists or psychologists.

4.2.4. Standard 2. Hormonal and surgical (genital and non-genital) sex-reassignment must be preceded by a firm recommendation for such procedures made by a certified and licensed psychiatrist or psychologist who can justify making such a recommendation by appeal to training or professional experience in dealing with sexual disorders, especially the disorders of gender identity and role.

4.3.1. Principle 7. The psychiatric/psychologic recom­mendation for hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassignment should, in part, be based upon an evaluation of how well the patient fits the diagnostic criteria for transsexualism as listed in the DSM-III (proposed) category 302.5X to wit:^l

1. “Persistent sense of discomfort and inappropriateness about one’s anatomic sex.
2. Persistent wish to be rid of one’s own genitals and to live as a member of the other sex.
3. The disturbance has been continuous (not limited to periods of stress) for at least two years.
4. Absence of physical intersex or genetic abnormality.
5. The disturbance is not symptomatic of another mental disorder, such as Schizophrenia.”

This definition of transsexualism is herein interpreted not to exclude persons who meet the above criteria but who other­wise may, on the basis of their past behavioral histories, be conceptualized and classified as transvestites and/or effeminate male homosexuals or masculine female homosexuals.

4.3.2. Principle 8. The diagnostic evidence for “persistent” (see 4.3.1. A and 4.3.1 B, above) requires that the psychia­trist or psychologist have knowledge, independent of the patient’s verbal claim, that the dysphoria, discomfort, sense of inappropriateness and wish to be rid of one’s own genitals, have existed for at least two years. This evidence may be obtained by interview of the patient’s appointed informant (friend or relative) or it may best be obtained by the fact that the psychiatrist or psychologist has personally known the patient for an extended period of time.

4.3.3. Standard 3. The psychiatrist or psychologist making the recommendation in favor of hormonal and non-genital (surgical) sex-reassignment shall have known the patient in a psychotherapeutic relationship, for at least 3 months prior to making said recommendation. The psychiatrist or psychologist making the recommendation in favor of genital (surgical) sex-reassignment shall have known the patient, in a psychotherapeutic relationship for at least 6 months prior to making said recommendation. That psychiatrist or psychologist should have access to the results of psychometric testing (including IQ testing of the patient) when such testing is clinically indicated.

4.4.1. Principle 9. Hormonal sex-reassignment is both therapeutic and diagnostic in that the patient requesting such therapy either reports satisfaction or dissatisfaction regarding the results of such therapy.

4.4.2. Principle 10. Hormonal sex-reassignment may have some irreversible effects (infertility, hair growth, voice deepening and clitoral enlargement in the female-to-­male patient and infertility and breast growth in the male-­to-female patient) and, therefore, such therapy must be offered only under the guidelines proposed in the present standards.

4.4.3. Principle 11. Hormonal sex-reassignment should precede surgical sex-reassignment as its effects (patient satisfaction or dissatisfaction) may indicate or contra­indicate later surgical sex-reassignment.

4.4.4. Principle 12. The best indicator for hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment is how successfully the patient has been in living-out, full-time, vocationally and avocationally, in all social situations, the social role of the genetically other sex and how successful the patient has been in being accepted by others as a member of that genetically other sex.

4.4.5. Standard 4. The initiation of hormonal sex-reassignment shall be preceded by a period of at least 3 months during which time the patient lives full-time in the social role of the genetically other sex.

4.5.1. Standard 5. Non-genital sex-reassignment (facial, hip, limb, etc.) shall be preceded by a period of at least 6 months during which time the patient lives full-time in the social role of the genetically other sex.

4.6.1. Standard 6. Genital sex-reassignment shall be preceded by a period or at least 12 months during which time the patient lives full-time in the social role of the genetically other sex.

4.7.1. Principle 13. The intersexed patient (with a documented hormonal or genetic abnormality) should first be treated by procedures commonly accepted as appropriate for such medical conditions.

4.7.2. Principle 14. The patient having a psychiatric diagnosis (i.e. , schizophrenia) in addition to a diagnosis of transsexualism should first be treated by procedures commonly accepted as appropriate for such non-transsexual psychiatric diagnoses.

4.7.3. Standard 7. Hormonal and surgical sex-reassign­ment may be made available to intersexed patients and to patients having non-transsexual psychiatric/psychologic diagnoses if the patient and therapist have fulfilled the requirements of the herein listed standards; if the patient can be reasonably expected to be habilitated or rehabilitated, in part, by such hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment procedures; and if all other commonly accepted therapeutic approaches to such intersexed or non-transsexual psychiatrically/psychologically diagnosed patients have been either attempted, or considered for use prior to the decision not to use such alternative therapies. The diagnosis of schizophrenia, therefore, does not necessarily preclude surgical and hormonal sex-reassignment.

4.8.1. Principle 15. Peer review is a commonly accepted procedure in most branches of science and is used pri­marily to ensure maximal efficiency and correctness of scientific decisions and procedures.

4.8.2. Principle 16. Psychiatrists and psychologists must often rely on possibly unreliable or invalid sources of information (patients’ verbal reports or the verbal reports of the patients’ families and friends) in making clinical decisions and in judging whether or not a patient has fulfilled the requirements of the herein listed standards.

4.8.3. Principle 17. Psychiatrists and psychologists, given the burden of deciding who to recommend for hor­monal and surgical sex-reassignment and for whom to refuse such recommendations are subject to extreme social pressure and possible manipulation as to create an atmos­phere in which charges of laxity, favoritism, sexism, financial gain, etc., may be made.

4.8.4. Principle 18. Psychiatrists and psychologists, in deciding to make the recommendation in favor of hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassignment share the moral responsibility for that decision with the physician and/or surgeon who accepts that recommendation.

4.8.5. Principle 19. A plethora of theories exist re­garding the etiology of gender dysphoria and the pur­poses or goals of hormonal and/or surgical sex-reassign­ment such that the psychiatrist or psychologist making the decision to recommend such reassignment for a patient does not enjoy the comfort or security of knowing that his decision would be supported by the majority of his peers.

4.8.6. Standard 8. The psychiatrist or psychologist recommending that a patient applicant receive surgical (genital) sex-reassignment must obtain peer review, in the format of a psychiatrist or psychologist peer who will personally examine the patient applicant, on at least one occasion, and who will, in writing state that he or she concurs with the decision of the original psychiatrist or psychologist. Peer review (a second opinion) is not required for hormonal sex-reassignment nor for non-genital surgical sex-reassignment. At least one of the two behavioral scientists making the favorable recommendation for surgical sex reassignment must be a psychiatrist.

4.9.1. Standard 9. The physician administering or per­forming surgical (genital) sex-reassignment is guilty of professional misconduct if he or she does not receive written recommendations in favor of such procedures from at least two behavioral scientists; at least one of which is a psychiatrist and one of whom has known the patient in a professional relationship for at least 6 months.

4.10.1 Principle 20. The administration of androgens to females and of estrogens and progesterones to males may lead to mild or serious health-threatening complica­tions.

4.10.2 Principle 21. Persons who are in poor physical health, or who have identifiable abnormalities in blood chemistry, may be at above average risk to develop com­plications should they receive hormonal medication.

4.10.3. Standard 10. The physician prescribing hormonal medication to a person for the Purpose of effecting hormonal sex-reassignment must warn the patient of possible negative complications which may arise and that physician should also make available to the patient (or refer the patient to a facility offering) monitoring of relevant blood chemistries and routine physical examinations in­cluding, but not limited to, the measurement of SGPT in person receiving testosterone and the measurement of SGPT, Bilirubin, triglycerides and fasting glucose in persons receiving estrogens.

4.11.1. Principle 22. Genital surgical sex reassignment includes the invasion of, and the alteration of, the genito­urinary tract. Undiagnosed pre-existing genitourinary disorders may complicate later genital surgical sex re­assignment.

4.11.2. Standard 11. Prior to genital surgical sex re­assignment a urological examination should be conducted for the purpose of identifying and perhaps treating ab­normalities of the Benito-urinary tract.

4.12.1. Principle 23. The care and treatment of sex-re­assignment applicants or patients often causes special problems for the professionals offering such care and treatment. These special problems include, but are not limited to, the need for the professional to cooperate with education of the public to justify his or her work, the need to document the case history perhaps more com­pletely than is customary in general patient care, the need to respond to multiple, nonpaying, service applicants and the need to be receptive and responsive to the extra demands for services and assistance often made by sex-reassignment applicants as compared to other patient groups.

4.12.2.        Principle 24. Sex reassignment applicants often have need for post-therapy (psychologic, hormonal and surgical) follow-up care for which they are unable or unwilling to pay.

4.12.3. Principle 25. Sex reassignment applicants often are in a financial status which does not permit them to pay excessive professional fees.

4.12.4. Standard 12. It is unethical for professionals to charge sex-reassignment applicants “whatever the traffic will bear” or excessive fees far beyond the normal fees charged for similar services by the professional. It is permissible to charge sex reassignment applicants for services in advance of the tendering of such services even if such an advance fee arrangement is not typical of the professional’s practice. It is permissible to charge patients, in advance, for expected services such as post-therapy follow-up care and/or counseling. It is unethical to charge patients for services which are essentially research and which services do not directly benefit the patient.

4.13.1. Principle 26. Sex-reassignment applicants often experience social, legal and financial discrimination no known, at present, to be prohibited by federal or state law.

4.13.2. Principle 27. Sex-reassignment applicants often must conduct formal or semi-formal legal proceedings (i.e. in-court appearances against insurance companies or in pursuit of having legal documents changed to reflect their new sexual and genderal status, etc.).

4.13.3. Principle 28. Sex–reassignment applicants, in pursuit of what are assumed to be their civil rights as citizens, are often in need of assistance (in the forms of copies of records, letters of endorsement, court testimony, etc.) from the professionals involved in their case.

4.13.4. Standard 13. It is permissible for a professional to charge only the normal fee for services needed by a patient in pursuit of his or her civil rights. Fees should not be charged for services for which, for other patient groups, such fees are not normally charged.

4.14.1. Principle 29. Hormonal and surgical sex-reassign­ment has been demonstrated to be a rehabilitative, or habilitative, experience for properly selected adult patients.

4.14.2. Principle 30. Hormonal and surgical sex-reassign­ment are procedures which must be requested by, and per­formed only with the agreement of, the patient having informed consent. Sex-reannouncement or sex-reassignment procedures conducted on infantile or early-childhood intersexed patients are common medical practices and are not included in or affected by the present discussion.

4.14.3. Principle 31. Sex–reassignment applicants often, in their pursuit of sex–reassignment, believe that hormonal and surgical sex-reassignment have fewer risks than such procedures are known to have.

4.14.4. Standard 14. Hormonal and surgical sex-reassign­ment may be conducted or administered only to persons ob­taining their legal majority (as defined by state law) or to persons declared by the courts as legal adults (emanci­pated minors).

4.15.1. Standard 15. Hormor.al and surgical sex-reassign­ment may be conducted or administered only after the patient applicant has received full and complete ex­planations, preferably in writing, in words understood by the patient applicant, of all risks inherent in the requested procedures.

4.16.1. Principle 32. Gender dysphoric sex-reassignment   applicants and patients enjoy the same rights to medical privacy as does any other patient group.

4.16.2. Standard 16. The privacy of the medical record of the sex-reassignment patient shall be safeguarded according to procedures in use to safeguard the privacy of any other patient group.

Explication

5.1. Prior to the initiation of hormonal sex reassignment:

5.1.1. The patient must demonstrate that the sense of discomfort with the self and the urge to rid the self of the genitalia and the wish to live in the genetically opposite sex role have existed for at least 2 years.

5.1.2. The patient must be known to a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist for at least 3 months and that psychiatrist or psychologist must endorse the patient’s request for hormone therapy.

5.1.3. The patient must have been successfully living in the genetically other sex role for at least 3 months.

5.1.4. Prospective patients should receive a complete physical examination which includes, but is not limited to, the measurement of SGPT in persons to receive testosterone and the measurement of SGPT, Billirubin, tri­glycerides and fasting glucose in persons to receive estrogens.

5.2. Prior to the initiation of non-genital surgical sex-reassignment.

5.2.1.  See 5.1.1.

5.2.2.  See 5.1.2.

5.2.3. The patient must have been successfully living in the genetically other sex role for at least 6 months.

5.3 Prior to the initiation of genital sex-reassignment (penectomy, orchidectomy, castration, vaginoplasty, mastectomy, hysterectomy, oopho.rectomy, salpingectomy, vaginectomy, phalloplasty).

5.3.1.  See 5.1.1., above

5.3.2. The patient must be known to a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist for at least 6 months and that psychiatrist or psychologist must endorse the patient’s request for genital surgical sex-reassignment.

5.3.3. The patient must be evaluated at least once by a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist other than the psy­chiatrist or psychologist specified in 3.3.2. above and that second psychiatrist or psychologist must endorse the patient’s request for genital sex-reassignment. At least one of the behavioral scientists making the recommendation for genital sex-reassignment must be a psychiatrist.

5.3.4. The patient must have been successfully living in the genetically other sex role for at least one year.

5.3.5. An urological examination should be performed.

5.4. During and after services are provided

5.4.1. The patient’s right to privacy should be honored.

5.4.2. The patient must be charged only appropriate fees and these fees may be levied in advance of services.

¹DSM III (proposed) — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (3rd edition, proposed) Washington, D. C. The American Psychiatric Association, 2nd printing 1/15/78.

Report prepared February 12, 1979

These Standards of Care were accepted by Majority vote by those persons attending the Sixth International Gender Dysphoria Symposium, held in San Diego, California February 21 – 25, 1979.

TRANS TRAUMA 1: THAT OLD DYSPHORIC FEELING

Art by Alexandra Haynak, on Pixabay

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing an unhappy surprise that brought up feelings I thought were far behind me. It kinda wrecked me for a bit. Here’s TRANS TRAUMA 1: THAT OLD DYSPHORIC FEELING.

This is something that’s happened to me a few times, and I want to talk about a couple specific instances of it. Let’s start with the first time I noticed it happening and figured out what it was, the second one will be in next week’s essay on TRANS TRAUMA 2.

A couple years back I hit some kind of milestone and most of my dysphoria faded away. I don’t know exactly why, but I suspect it’s a combination of enough changes from HRT and VOICE therapy where most of what had plagued me my whole life dissipated. See those respective Trans Tuesdays for more info.

You can see what it was like for me to notice this change in real-time, in the Trans Tuesday on PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.

And you can see what the lack of dysphoria did for improving my life in ways I never expected in the Trans Tuesdays on CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD, where I was suddenly able to interact with people in ways I’d never been able to before, and in FREEING UP MY BRAIN (lunch with Tilly), where the mental and emotional energy that were freed up let me experience the world in ways I’d never been able to before.

My dysphoria is still mostly gone. Which is not to say it doesn’t still pop up here and there, because it does, especially if my estrogen dose is off, and when I see the stubble on my face in the mirror every morning.

Maybe it’ll always pop up now and again, I dunno. We don’t get hard answers with these things.  But mostly it leaves me alone, which feels like a miracle.

But what’s weird is that what happened to me, that brought about this essay, had no relation to my dysphoria at all. Or to gender, mine or otherwise. Not directly, anyway.

That’s what made this so surprising, because it was completely disconnected from everything I thought my transness touched. But then transness touches almost every part of our lives, even when we don’t realize it or want it to.

You can see when this happened, as I took to social media to talk about a… difficult evening of feelings. It took me a while to figure out what it was, and to process it enough to talk about.

The important bit there is “feelings I haven’t had since pre-transition.” And yet it’s not dysphoria related! Or so I thought. It’s hard to explain.

Susan and I had just gotten our first animation writing gig, on Monster High. It’s a superb, charming, funny, wonderful show that may just be the most inclusive show on television. We also got to write an hourlong Halloween special for it! You should check it out.

Anyway, it was a great and wonderful experience. And as part of that we got invited to an event for people who work in animation, to celebrate people who’ve worked in the medium for a long time and made wonderful contributions to it. 

Now this wasn’t a personal invite, it was a sort of mass invite to everyone who’d worked for Nickelodeon on shows that featured the people they were honoring. Even still, it was an honor to be invited.

The problem was that as people who’d only just started working in that medium, I felt like there was absolutely no way we belonged at said event. After we’d done a little more, sure! I’d have been delighted to go. I’d definitely go now, with six episodes under our belts.

But we were still in the middle of our first writing for this medium. It wasn’t even finished yet, we were still in revisions. So technically we hadn’t even written a single episode yet.

It made me feel like I’d be some kind of impostor who had no business being there. And this isn’t impostor syndrome, not really. I have total confidence in our work and our ability as writers. We’re really good, and that’s not bragging or anything. We’re professional writers and we’re great at what we do.

This was just an instance of me feeling like we didn’t yet have the right to attend this event. And you may feel differently, I mean we were invited after all. Someone, somewhere thought we could go. But here’s where all the bad pre-transition feelings came up.

The thought of going, and how it would make me feel… like I was out of place, like I was the one person who didn’t fit, like I had absolutely no business being at this place to celebrate people far more experienced than we are…

It made me feel almost EXACTLY like I did at any gathering pre-transition EVEN THOUGH there were no feelings of gender dysphoria!

Because (rightly or wrongly) I felt like I did not belong, like I would be putting on a performance of someone who belonged there, like I would be wearing a costume of someone I’m not, playing a part I didn’t know how to play.

And THAT was so STARTLINGLY, SHOCKINGLY SIMILAR to how gender dysphoria made me feel, always and forever with no escape. Even though the root of the feelings was in an entirely different place!

I was not prepared for that AT ALL. My dysphoria has lessened so much and I’ve felt so much like the real me for so long that I honestly thought, barring my dysphoria getting worse somehow, I’d never have to deal with those feelings ever again.

And yet here they were. And they had nothing at all to do with my gender, or perceived gender, or being trans, but they had EVERYTHING to do with my own sense of IDENTITY and never, ever, EVER again wanting to pretend to be something I’m not.

Because I did that for my entire life pre-transition, and will not and cannot, cannot go back to that. Even just writing about it here is making my chest tighten and my pulse race and I’m getting anxious and scared. Like I’m about to drown.

If you’re not familiar with that metaphor, my very first Trans Tuesday was on GENDER DYSPHORIA, in which I tried to describe what my own gender dysphoria was like. Drowning is a big part of it.

I’m sure it also didn’t help that this event was taking place on my birthday, each of which is a very weird thing for me to experience post-transition and always brings up reminders of the ones spent lost in the sea of dysphoria. See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS BIRTHDAYS.

Once I realized why I was having these old feelings, when simply thinking about going to this event, I was able to get hold of them and work through it. It was still a rough night for me emotionally, because the feelings came from such a complex and convoluted source.

What it made me realize is that my transness will likely continue to touch aspects of my life that seem entirely unrelated, possibly for the rest of my life. 

I mentioned before that I think I knew the reason for that, and here it is: transphobic society.

I wish I had better news for you, but it’s yet again the culprit. Because if I’d been raised in a society and a family and a home that accepted trans people as normal and just how some people are… 

I’d never have spent a lifetime pretending to be cis, trying to be cis, not knowing how to be cis, hating the thought of being a cis man, hating every single moment of not being the real me, feeling like I was eternally drowning and nobody could see me or hear my calls for help.

And if I’d never had those old dysphoric feelings at having to pretend to be someone I’m not, I wouldn’t have felt that way about possibly going to this event. I might still have felt like it was too early in our work in this medium for us to attend…

But it wouldn’t have made me feel like I was back underwater, inside a false shell, pretending to be some fake human being and not who I really am, buried under crushing weight with all the air forced out of me, isolated and alone for eternity. 

Next week we’re going to examine the root cause of this in-depth, so be sure to come back for that as we dig into the reason behind it all.

And please remember, for many trans people who transition as adults, the ramifications of a lifetime of transphobia and dysphoria is something we may never be able to entirely escape from. 

And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about happy aspects of being trans that I was entirely unprepared for, little delightful side-effects that I never could have expected: UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION.

I suspect there are things like this for every trans person out there, though what they are undoubtedly varies. For people who transition as adults, realizing and accepting that we’re  trans requires a lot of introspection and self-examination.

I’ve mentioned many times in these that trans people probably know ourselves better than anyone else on earth, because we HAVE to in order to overcome the gatekeeping, lies, and gaslighting about our own identities that the cis binary matrix of society forces on us.

It’s something that’s maybe never really finished, because life’s a journey of discovery. But those of us who didn’t transition until adulthood, for a variety of reasons, have had to do incredible work to get to where we are.

And you spend so much time focused on that, on trying to figure things out, on trying to accept the truths of who you are, that you don’t always realize every little thing that can come with transitioning. At least I didn’t.

Guy clothes always made my dysphoria worse, and so I couldn’t wait to actually be able to wear women’s clothes. But I didn’t anticipate how much I’d really like wearing skirts and dresses.They make me feel… happy?

See the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE for more on that.

And like, this somehow surprised me. You’d think, okay sure, you wanted to wear those clothes and now you can, so it stands to reason that achieving that goal would bring you joy. But it’s more than that.

I guess it’s like an exterior sign that says… hey. HEY. The outside matches the inside! HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THIS LIKE. When you go your whole life without that, you don’t realize what a change that is.

And this, my friends, is GENDER EUPHORIA. See the trans tuesday on it (and learn how cis people can and do experience it too).

Maybe that’s something I should have seen coming, but I didn’t. Probably because I had zero frame of reference for what it was like. And what’s wild is that gender euphoria can be one of the best ways of discovering that you’re trans or nonbinary. And people who don’t have gender dysphoria can and do still experience gender euphoria!

But for me, I was so buried by my own dysphoria, my desire to transition was to just LESSEN it, to ease the stress and pressure and pain and burden and loneliness and isolation that it put on me. It somehow never even OCCURRED to me that I could be HAPPY and EXCITED and FEEL GOOD about so many things.

I was actively trying to fix the bad, and hoping that would be good, if that makes sense. Dysphoria got so bad all I could think about was escaping it, rather than focusing on what I might be able to feel and achieve without it.

You can read more about GENDER DYSPHORIA and my personal struggle with it in the trans tuesday on that very topic.

But for a lot of trans and nonbinary people, euphoria leads the way, and they transition to seek out more of it. We all have our own paths. And for me, like… it felt too much to even HOPE I could actually be HAPPY in a dress or a skirt, I thought it just WOULDN’T BE MISERABLE, y’know?

So my own euphoria, every damn day just seeing myself in the mirror, from my clothes, from my voice, from my BODY, totally caught me by surprise.

But there are other much smaller things I’d never considered that also blew my mind.

I really, really like pink. I mean I like most pinks (unless they get too salmon-y), but I LOOOOVE me some neon fuchsia with juuuust the right amount of purple in it. Love it. LOVE. IT!

Four photos of bright, neon purply-pink fuchsia things… flowers, a neon sign that says “to the moon and back,” bright bits of plastic, and a woman whose hair is a mix of purple and neon pink fuchsia

Pretty sure I don’t want my hair that color, but I love it nonetheless. I even got a dress as close to that color as I could for our re-wedding, when my wife Susan and I renewed our vows and had a wedding with the real me! It’s not as purply as I would have preferred, but it was fabulous and so very much me.

A shot of me dancing in my pink wedding dress at our re-wedding. The pink is warmer than the purply fuchsia I love the most, but is still super pretty. 🙂

If you missed the trans tuesday on A TRANS RE-WEDDING, please check it out and bask in the joy and love, won’t you?

Okay so at first I thought my love of fuchsia was maybe some weird overcorrection on my part. I was denied female-coded things my whole life, it’s only natural I’d dive into them as far as I could.

And then maybe pull back a bit as I discover what I really like. It’s a common thing that happens for a lot of trans folks because again, it’s all a process. But for me, that’s not what this is.

Because I can remember being a very little kid and LOVING this color, and loving the way it mixed with purple (like in the hair photo) even more.

And I remember telling my mom this during one of those times you ask a kid their favorite color,  because you don’t have a lot to talk about when they’re that age (or you have passive-aggressive midwestern parents who don’t want to talk about REAL things at any point ever, ahem ahem ahem).

And I was told, unequivocally, NO. That was NOT my favorite color. And could not be. Because it was for GIRLS and girls ONLY.

I was not allowed to like a god damned COLOR.

The gendering of our society is so horribly damaging. ESPECIALLY to kids. And if you don’t know just how insidious it is, see the trans tuesday on GENDERED CHILDHOODS and let it open your eyes to just how compulsory being cisgender and heterosexual is in our society.

In any case, little Tilly was told she COULD like purple… as long as it wasn’t too pink. And then little Tilly did some overcorrection of her own and threw herself into purple everything.

It even carried over to candy, where I claimed every grape variety as my favorite. And I mean that’s some delusion, because “grape” candy and drinks are… anything but. They’re so weird! How does anyone like that? It doesn’t taste like grapes! What even IS it?!

And yet I still kinda love it, probably because I formed some association with it being safe in my childhood, and that carries over still today. See, when I told you trans people do so much damned introspection, I wasn’t kidding. 😶

So realizing that now I “could” like this color was revelatory. I mean I certainly could have at any time, even when presenting as a man, because nobody can stop you from liking a color (except your parents when you are *ver smol*, apparently).

But again, our society programs these things into us without us even realizing, and it took me breaking out of those societal “norms” to declare my true gender before I realized I could even declare my true favorite color. Which is pretty fucked up.

For so much more on the ways society worms thoughts into us without our knowledge in MUCH more damaging ways, see the trans tuesdays on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA…

And on INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.

You know what else I wasn’t allowed to like? Matching. Like, in terms of clothes. If I got too matchy my mom would always make some comment and tell me I couldn’t dress like that. I guess matching colors on different pieces of clothing is… somehow… also gendered?!

Beau Brummel fucked us up so bad, friends. I went into more about that in the trans tuesday on gendered clothes linked above, so check it out if you want to hate Beau too.

Anyway! This manifested itself one night when I used a hair tie to put my hair up into a pineapple for bed (if you follow my socials, you’ve no doubt seen my pineapple selfies). I have a big bag of satin scrunchies in all different colors, because I’ve always always loved brightly colored anything.

But there’s so many varieties I could stand there for ten minutes and still not know which one I wanted to use (every decision is potentially life-altering, I guess? Welcome to my brain.) So I generally just grab one without looking.

And as soon as I put my hair up, I noticed that the hair tie I picked just happened to exactly match the color of my pajamas. And… I squealed with glee. What? WHAT?

I was so baffled. WHY DID SOMETHING SO MEANINGLESS BRING ME SO MUCH JOY??? Because it’s another thing that had been kept from me my whole life, and now here it is, for me. Mine. Anytime I want. I can match any hair accessory to my clothes anytime I want!?

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM! (insert your favorite gif of someone cool yelling this, but not the famous one from that movie with the cis straight white man who’s a sexist racist).

In fact, I also love love love matching my glasses to my outfit (and sometimes even my lipstick), and people are always complimenting me on it! Which is, frankly, very cool and the correct thing that you should all be doing more of. 😌

And sometimes I even get all matchy WITH FUCHSIA and good golly dang it makes me so happy.

Me in an off the shoulder long-sleeved black top, with bright pink fuchsia bra straps showing… that match the color of my heart-shaped cat eye glasses and my lipstick.

And now I can also get “girly” gifts! Susan got me a little charm necklace with my name on it (which you can see in almost every single selfie I take). It’s very cute and I adore it.

A circular silver charm pendant hanging on a necklace. Engraved into it is “Tilly”

A lovely friend, after reading a past trans tuesday where I mentioned never getting to be a little girl, or a teen girl, etc. sent me a few gifts.

My Little Ponies! One of them is on my dresser, and there’s a big stuffed Rainbow Dash that sits right next to the bed and it’s the first thing I see every morning when I get up and it makes me smile. Every day.

A purple My Little Pony with a sticker of the pone on it that says her name is Tickle

A large stuffed Rainbow Dash My Little Pony

I don’t know if you can anticipate stuff like that, but it changes everything. Little tiny moments over and over, throughout your life, reminding you of how much better things are now.

Even just hearing someone call me Tilly sends me soaring to the clouds. Susan and I have had some calls and meetings where people start off by saying “hello, ladies” and it makes me want to scream every time (in extreme joy, I assure you), even now four years in to my transition. I hope it never stops.

If you’ve ever done this, by the way, and I continued talking to you like an adult, please realize it took all my self control to not scream OH MY GOD THANK YOU at you over and over again.

And I was even more surprised to discover… my handwriting changed. Not randomly or subconsciously, but because I decided I could change it.

As a kid, I loved the way some girls wrote, where the letters were rounded and flowy and pretty to look at. So I tried to write like that too, and you know exactly where this is going. Someone… my parents, my teachers, my friends, probably all of the above… said NO.

BOYS CAN’T WRITE PRETTY. It’s just so, so tiring, y’all.

So little me overcorrected there too. Fine, if I can’t write pretty, I’m not going to care how I write at all. My printing became rough, and scratchy, small and constrained. And I never gave it another thought my entire life. Until a couple years ago.

I keep a physical planner on my desk to write down all the shit I have to do, because for some reason my brain LOVES analog written lists with dates, but if I try to use a calendar app it’s just another computer program to ignore and it doesn’t work for me. At all.

And because the only real writing I do by hand is in my planners and I was paying attention, I can tell you exactly when this happened and what I was writing/thinking about.

February 3, 2021. I wrote down to email Susan’s and my manager about a new series pitch we’ve been working on, and it looked different from EVERYTHING ELSE up to that point. The letters were more spaced out. Open. Rounded.

It’s probably no surprise that it happened with a note about something creative we were doing, my brain was probably more open to experimenting and, well, being creative with my handwriting because it was already in creative mode.

February 4, 2021, most of everything written down was still the tightly constrained scratch… except for another note about this series pitch and our manager. By Friday February 5, 80% of what I’d written there was in the new open, rounded style.

The following week? ALL of it was in the new style. The messy scratch that looked like it’s waiting to explode is… gone. I could even see how I was experimenting with letters and words day to day, trying to see what I liked.

This was a conscious decision I made because I was looking at the horrible, tightly-wound, edgy, scratchy, messy print and it made me feel… bad.

Maybe because I associate it with the world telling me I was a gender I’m not, maybe because subconsciously I was remembering wanting to print differently and being told I couldn’t, or maybe because you should read my description of it again:

“Horrible, tightly-wound, edgy, scratchy, messy.” “Waiting to explode.” If that’s not a metaphor for how it felt living in the wrong body, thinking I was the wrong gender, for most of my life, I don’t know what is. It’s a very visual representation of the dysphoria I was feeling (again see the trans tuesday on it, linked above, for more).

I was writing like that because that’s how I FELT.

All. The. Time.

But I don’t feel that way anymore! I finally feel OPEN and RELAXED and at PEACE with myself.

All of which is to say that looking at every aspect of your own life, no matter what your gender is, can lead you to important revelations. Even if small, they could change your entire life for the better.

Look inward, examine yourself and your choices and your desires and the things you like and dislike, and discover why, and do what you need to make yourself happier.

I’m worth it, and so are you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com