Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is an important one for those of you out there who have (or will eventually have) transgender people in your life: NAMES AND PRONOUNS.
Again, remember that I do not speak for all trans people or all trans women. These are my own experiences, which probably share larger commonalities with many trans folks, but every trans person’s experience is unique.
Let’s start with pronouns, because it’s something I see a lot of cisgender people struggle with, but it’s really very simple if you approach it the right way. There was some discussion this week of “cis” or “cisgender” being a slur of some kind?
It literally just means when you were born and a doctor looked at your junk and assigned you male/female, and you feel your gender is in keeping with that assessment. That’s it! You have to contort yourself into some kind of pretzel to think that’s somehow denigrating.
Okay so if you were assigned male and identify as a man, people use “he” and “him” and “his” when referring to you. And “she,” “her,” and “hers” if you were assigned female and identify as a woman.
When a transgender person tells you their gender and what their correct pronouns are, those are the ones you should use. Now, in the future, and (IMO) when referring to them in the past, before they transitioned.
Because they’ve *always* been trans, regardless of how they presented or if they even knew at any given time.
See the trans tuesday on REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE where I talked about how being invited into women’s spaces made me feel seen.
Pronouns (and names) are the easiest way to show any transgender (or non-binary) person that you SEE them and accept them. The first time I’ve heard people call me Tilly, or use “she” or “her” when referring to me, it made my heart feel like it would explode. You have no idea.
Small sidebar: Non-binary means someone doesn’t identify as a man or a woman. They could feel like neither, they could feel they’re like a 50/50 or 70/30 mix, they could be gender-fluid and some days feel like a man and others a woman and yet others neither. Or both.
Sidebar con’t: It’s not for me to say if non-binary people are transgender or not. Some may feel they are, some may feel they’re not. Their call. Either way they deserve the same respect all other cisgender and transgender people do. Okay, sidebar over.
If you are a cisgender man, how would you feel if people kept talking about you by saying things like “she’s a friend of mine,” “that belongs to her,” etc. Stop and actually think about the feelings that would evoke in you.
You’d wonder WHY they’d keep doing that when that’s clearly not who you are. And realize transgender people spent our entire lives prior to transitioning having to deal with that, and it feeling wrong and possibly even hurtful, even if no ill will was intended.
Choosing to use the wrong pronouns for us is like smacking us in the face. That’s where this dovetails nicely with names, and I can give you the best and easiest way to understand all of this. I had an English teacher my junior year of high school that I really liked.
Sadly I can’t even remember her name now, but something she said hit me like a ton of bricks and is still with me to this day. We were discussing a reading we’d done, and some kids in the class didn’t understand why she pronounced a character’s name different from everyone else.
And she said she was using the correct pronunciation, because she’d known real people with that name. And here’s what stuck with me all these years. She asked, “What’s the correct way to pronounce someone’s name?”
The answer, quite obviously, is, “However they tell you to.” And that’s what it all boils down to. If you had a wonderful Space Dad from France named Jean-Luc, but you kept calling him “gene luck,” how unbelievably disrespectful would that be?
What about people who may be legally named Elizabeth, but go by Beth or Liz or Lizzy or Lizzie or Betty or Liza or Eli or Bethany? They tell you what they prefer and you just… call them that, don’t you? Of course you do.
I know someone whose legal first name is Roger. His middle name is Richards (with the S!). Everyone, my entire life, has called him… Rick. And it’s what he prefers. So what kind of ass would you have to be to know that and call him anything other than Rick?
And I speak of intention. If you *intentionally* call someone anything other than what they want to be called… well, ever had someone give you a nickname you hated? Ever had them keep calling you that anyway? It’s that, only ten times worse.
So when a transgender person tells you their true name, it’s what you should use. And again, IMO, that means even referring to things they may have done with you in the past, etc. The name you knew them by then wasn’t their real name.
A trans person’s old name is called a deadname, and using it is often painful for them as it reminds them of the feelings (and memories) associated with their dysphoria before transitioning. And that’s not to say they don’t have happy memories with you…
…or that they don’t want those memories. Just realize all of them are complex because you couldn’t SEE them back then, no matter how hard you tried. So deadnaming is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.
But again, for me, it comes down to intent. Are you calling me “Jeffrey” on purpose? Because if so you can fuck off into the sun. Or was it accidental because it takes time to rewire our brains, especially if you knew me by that other name for so long?
I don’t want to hear someone call me that name again, though it’s still going to happen because who knows when I’ll be able to legally change it (thanks covid!). But in an analogy I gave to someone else a few weeks ago, it’s like changing where you keep your keys.
You KNOW they’re in the new spot, but for two months you accidentally keep looking for them in the old spot and it takes time to rewire your brain to remember they’re not there anymore. Names and pronouns are way more important than keys, but still.
We’re all human, and I know it takes time. Just a couple weeks back I accidentally misgendered a good friend of mine. They’re non-binary, and their pronouns are they/them, but I was referring to everyone in the discussion (besides me) and said “gentlemen”.
I didn’t realize I’d done it until later, and I felt HORRIBLE. So you know what I did? I immediately contacted the person in question and apologized and made sure they knew it wasn’t intentional. And that’s literally all I’m personally asking of anyone else.
Slip-ups happen. When they do, just apologize and be sure they know it was accidental. Intent is the key to all of it. You either respect us as people or you don’t, and it’s on you to be sure we know what side of that line you’re on.
If you’re meeting someone for the first time and aren’t sure if they’re trans? Don’t ask! Literally none of your business. They’ll tell you if they want to. And if they do tell you, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ask what their deadname was.
Sure, some trans folks (like me) would be fine telling you. Or, well… if not fine, it wouldn’t necessarily bother me, though it WOULD make me uncomfortable to say. For others it would be genuinely painful. Why take that chance?
What use is that information to you anyway? Absolutely none. Don’t risk it. Respect them as who they tell you they are.
So how do trans people choose their names? A billion different ways. It’s deeply personal for everyone. It could be a family name, or a name of a friend or fictional character that’s important to them, or literally any number of other things.
For me, I always HATED “Jeff” and switched to “Jeffrey” as soon as I moved out of my parents’ house. I thought it was because my mom always called me the former, and so I wanted to get away from that as she and I had a… difficult relationship.
And that was definitely part of it, but the latter felt more “me”. When choosing my true name, I initially thought about Victoria, but that wasn’t right, and then I thought maybe Vicky or Tori, but those weren’t right either.
But those led me to realize I liked the ending “ee” sound, which of course “Jeffrey” has. And then I realized that there WERE things I liked about “Jeffrey”, and maybe I could find a way to keep those while finding something else that fit me.
So the T in Tilly looks kind of like the J (when the J has the bar on top, anyway), but I didn’t want another J name. I don’t like the J for… some reason. The double L in the middle of Tilly looks kind of like the double F in the middle of Jeffrey.
And the end sound is the same. So I used those parameters and Tilly not only fit them, but as soon as I thought of it I tried it out in my head for a few weeks, and that was it. I was sold. It was ME.
So no, I didn’t name myself after the character on Star Trek Discovery (though I do adore her). And no, I didn’t name myself after the clothing story (though I do generally like their stuff). Did those two things put the name in my head, though? Possibly.
And it’s not short for Matilda or anything else. It’s just… Tilly. I’ve often said House of Secrets is the best comic shop in L.A., and they just upped their game… because look what they put in the file with our comics.
I hadn’t even told them yet! I feel SEEN and House of Secrets, I LOVE YOU FOREVER. Also I got my first piece of mail with my new name. Guess what it was? Motherfucking hair bands, woooo! (had no idea I was going to like these so much, but that’s neither here nor there)
I don’t know what it’s like to just feel your name IS you for your entire life. Have you thought about it? Does your name fit? Do you like it? Is it YOU? Would you like something else better?
I’ll tell you this much. It may have been the most empowering moment in my LIFE to choose my own name, and tell everyone what it was. And honestly, I’m really not sure why everyone doesn’t do it, cis and trans and non-binary alike! It’s amazing. Maybe give it some thought.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is a revision and update of a past thread because it seems current events demand it. It keeps coming up again and again, and it’s literally a non-issue. So let’s talk about TRANS PEOPLE IN SPORTS.
Initially I debated whether to even cover this topic, as I’ve not been personally involved in any organized sports since coming out and probably won’t have time for that in the foreseeable future (though I would if I could). But that hasn’t stopped society from going bananas about it.
Also weighing on the side of “maybe not worth talking about?” is that the entire issue is so cut and dry to me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about everyone reading and education and, well… the news once again sort of forced my hand and it seems people don’t know.
A quick Google for info on trans people and sports will turn up a whole host of articles. Lots of them about why we trans women, specifically, shouldn’t be allowed to compete with cis women.
I’d like to quote a few key parts of it, like this: “…only permits swimmers who transitioned before age 12 to compete in women’s events.” You’ll see why I pulled this specific quote out in a few minutes.
“‘It’s what the scientists are saying, that if you transition after the start of puberty, you have an advantage, which is unfair,’ James Pearce, who is the spokesperson for FINA president Husain Al-Musallam, told The Associated Press.”
It’s NOT what scientists are saying at all, but you’ll also see why I pulled this section out in a minute. Because it’s not unfair at all, you disingenuous bigots. This is all such bullshit and it makes me so incredibly mad.
There’s a few reasons, as it’s garbage on multiple levels. I will unpack to show you why. And once you’ve read and understood… I honestly don’t see how anyone could have an issue with it. Well, there’s one reason. We’ll get there.
The biggest complaint is that trans women would have an “unfair advantage” in competing with cis women, because many of us went through male puberty and thus may (MAY!) have higher muscle density, be taller, etc.
So there’s two main reasons this is absolutely untrue. The first of which is if you do an ounce of digging, the people who don’t want trans people competing are the same people trying to take away access to puberty blockers for kids and teens.
They are safe and make no permanent changes and in many cases are life-saving. I talked about that in depth in TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM (hold on to this link, it’ll be important again later, too).
Now if your assertion is that going through male puberty gives trans women an unfair advantage (again, it doesn’t, and that’s BULLSHIT but we’ll get there)… would you not WANT trans kids to have access to care early on that would block said puberty? The kids certainly would!
And yet that doesn’t happen. At all. Just like people yelling the loudest about being “pro-life” weirdly don’t have any interest in increasing access to birth control and sex education. Huh. Why? SUCH A MYSTERY. 🤔
If you WERE truly only concerned about trans women who’d gone through male puberty, you’d be the loudest advocate for life-saving care and puberty blockers for trans kids. But you’re NOT, are you? Does that strike you as odd? It’s so convenient for them!
In an ideal world, every trans kid would be in a supportive, loving home and would have access to the care they need. But of course we don’t live in that world, do we? And even if we DID, some people still won’t discover they’re trans until adulthood. That’s how it goes.
Everyone is different, we all figure it out in different ways and at different times. So what of we who transition as adults? What of trans women like me who went through male puberty and thus have those “advantages” that make competing with cis women “unfair”?
Well! A lot of those “advantages” disappear once you go on hormone replacement therapy. For trans women, testosterone is lowered and/or blocked and estrogen is introduced. Guess what one of the biggest effects of that is?
LOSS OF MUSCLE MASS. I haven’t even been on HRT two years and I already struggle to open jars of jelly for my PB&J that previously never gave me issues. I still do all my push ups before runs, but it’s a struggle to do the same amount that I breezed through before.
I have to work TWICE AS HARD to get close to the same results I got before. And that only goes for strength training! On my runs I’m REGULARLY ninety seconds per mile slower, often even slower than that.
I just CANNOT get close to my pre-transition times. In fact, nearly two years into hormone replacement therapy, I’m still progressively getting S L O W E R. And there’s nothing I can do about it! I’m not trying or pushing any less than before. I just CANNOT DO IT like I used to.
Even so, I’m still pretty buff, and I’m still 6’ ½” (don’t take that half away from me, let me cling to my tall person ledge as long as I can). Guess what the average height of the CIS WOMEN in the WNBA is? SIX DAMNED FEET.
Cis women can be tall! They can also be buff. I mean have you watched the Olympics, oh… EVER? Let me remind you of (CIS!) lady weightlifters. (I’m swooning over their biceps. You will be too, if you know what’s good for you.)
What about someone who loves football and wants to be a lineman, but isn’t a 300+ pound tank of a person? What if someone IS a 300+ pound tank of a person but wants to be a wide receiver?
Don’t people whose bodies just happen to be best built for those positions have an “unfair” advantage? And yet where are the multitude of voices decrying the way that all of professional sports works? WHERE?
My favorite example is Michael Phelps, one of the most dominant swimmers of all time. In his prime he was nearly unbeatable. Do you know WHY that is? HIS BODY PRODUCES HALF THE LACTIC ACID AS AN AVERAGE PERSON.
Lactic acid is what makes your muscles tired. By producing less, he can swim longer and faster without tiring as much. YET ABSOLUTELY NO ONE EVER SAID HE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMPETE WITH OTHER CIS MEN BECAUSE HIS GENETICS GAVE HIM AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
Where was the “fairness” outrage? The article after article of hand-wringing, concern-trolling, “but but but the genetic advantages are unfair” whining? WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
And still no one said… wait, MY body can’t do what his body does, he shouldn’t be allowed to compete with the rest of the men who aren’t like that.
IT’S ALMOST AS IF THOSE WHO ARE GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO BE GOOD AT A SPORT ARE THE PEOPLE WHO EXCEL AT SAID SPORT AND CAN COMPETE AT AN ELITE LEVEL, AND THAT’S LITERALLY HOW ALL OF PRO SPORTS OPERAAAAAATES??
Yes, you have to put in the work and the training and the effort, but all of that will still only get you to a certain point. You can be an astonishingly good basketball player and be 5’ tall, and even then you’d have a hell of a time making it into the NBA.
The entire “unfair advantage” argument holds absolutely zero water, even IF trans women DID have an unfair advantage. In many cases we don’t have an advantage anyway, and if we do, it’s certainly not more than any other cis women genetically predisposed for a sport may have.
Some cis women have elevated levels of testosterone naturally, just because we’re all different and our bodies are amazing and unique and strange. Should they not be allowed to compete now?
What about cis ladies who have broad shoulders or strong jawlines? Who don’t shave their legs? Where the hell do you draw the line? Who gets to do the policing? If you want to say “no uterus, no women’s sports,” then what about ladies who’ve had hysterectomies?
It’s the exact same as the bathroom issue, which I talked a bit about in the trans tuesday on CIS PRIVILEGE.
So saying trans athletes are an issue, when none of those other things are, basically says you think trans people are transitioning just to compete as a different gender to MAYBE have a chance at that “unfair advantage”. The unmitigated gall it takes to even THINK that…
You’re saying someone would upend their lives, live in a society where many people hate you for existing, where medical care can be difficult or impossible to find and you face discrimination at every turn… just to maybe win some sports against cis women?
You’re saying you know more than we do about who we really are. You’re saying you don’t see us as WOMEN. You’re saying you know more than our doctors and therapists and professionals trained in this, who affirm we are who we say we are.
Do you remember what I had to go through to “prove” I’m transgender (go back to that TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM trans tuesday)? And people are doing this en masse to trained professionals? To cheat? At SPORTS??
Am I saying nobody would ever cheat? Of course not. But doping has been an issue in sports since sports have existed. Yet nobody said cis men and women should be banned from sports because some of them abuse steroids, which actually DOES give them an unfair advantage. So weird!
People say if trans women are allowed to compete with cis women, we’d be dominant in everything and cis women would never have a shot. So… where is it? Where are the trans women dominating sports?
Because you can’t clock all of us as trans. Again, how do you even make that determination and who gets to? It’s sexist patriarchal bullshit. Trans women HAVE competed with women, and if we were dominating in any sport you’d fucking know it already!
TRANS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO OPENLY COMPETE IN THE OLYMPICS SINCE 2004. How many of them have medaled?
“Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyone’s scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening.”
“So we need to start from inclusion, period. And as things arise, I have confidence that we can figure it out. But we can’t start at the opposite. That is cruel. And frankly, it’s just disgusting.”
“So, we need to really kind of take a step back and get a grip on what we’re really talking about here because people’s lives are at risk. Kids’ lives are at risk with the rates of suicide, the rates of depression and negative mental health and drug abuse.”
“We’re putting everything through ‘God forbid a trans person be successful in sports.’ Get a grip on reality and take a step back.”
Okay so what’s the reason for all this? Well friends you know as well as I do that it’s TRANSPHOBIA, because it literally can’t be anything else! For every reason I’ve already laid out for you.
This is just another in a long line of new rules and regulations and legislation trying to eliminate trans people from public life. Can’t swim if you transitioned as an adult, state won’t allow you to transition as a kid, then you’re legally barred from public bathrooms and your healthcare. https://twitter.com/CBSNews/status/1539250967979470848
We and our doctors know who we are better than you do. And none of us would choose to go through the UNENDING BULLSHIT the world continually throws at us just so we can beat you in a race… which we’re not even doing anyway.
Recognize this for the hatred it is, and understand that there’s literally nothing more to keeping trans people out of sports than unrepenting, unending bigotry for people who are different and throw the entire cis binary status quo into question.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s Pride month, so that means we’re gonna talk about Target, and Dylan Mulvaney/Bud Light, and the Los Angeles Dodgers, and: RAINBOW CAPITALISM.
If you’re unsure exactly what Rainbow Capitalism is, or why it upsets so many people, this is the thread for you. We have evidence galore! But what it basically amounts to is corporations posting rainbow logos and selling queer merch while otherwise stabbing us in the back.
On the surface, you’d maybe think the rainbow/Pride merch isn’t a bad thing. Any group being catered to by a corporation means they’ve realized there’s money to be made from that group, and that’s worth more to them than the blowback from bigots who will complain. Theoretically.
So in that respect (and that respect ONLY) you can see it as a good thing, or at least a sign that some societal acceptance is changing for the better. No corporation in the 1980s was selling rainbow merch or even claiming to support queer people, right? Progress.
And if that’s ALL that it was, then it wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be just another sign of the rampant commercialization and commodification of EVERYTHING in our capitalist society.
And I admit it’s nice to have merch with the trans flag on it. I have a shirt with the Star Trek delta/trans flag combo that means SO MUCH to me, because it’s OFFICIAL. But it’s more than just blowing smoke because Trek has been actually featuring non-cis characters!
Me with long curly hair and curly bangs, in pink-framed glasses with eyeliner and pink lipstick, in a navy blue t-shirt that has the Star Trek delta on it (the inside of the delta is filled with the trans flag). My left hand is giving the Vulcan live long and prosper salute, and my black leather cuff watch is visible on my left wrist.
I think they could still do more, and I don’t think they’ve always gotten it perfect, but there’s actual, real progress and it means the world to me and a lot of other trans and non-binary folks. And I love my goofy tank top with a cat wearing pride flag sunglasses, as ludicrous as it is.
Me with long curly bangs and long curly hair (I know I always describe it the same but it’s my hair what do you want from me), in blue-framed glasses, in blue eyeshadow and dark eyeliner and red lipstick and red nail polish, in a blue tank top with a white cat head on the front. The cat wears sunglasses and the lenses show the pride flag, which is super weird and is thus great.
But it’s not all fun t-shirts and mugs and socks and pajamas. A lot of the time there’s sadly something much more sinister going on.
A tweet from @AudioJillian (the Tillys Trans Tuesdays podcast sound mixer) that reads: Our station is actually running Price promos! THey say wonderful sentiments like “All means Y’all” and “whatever flag you fly or what color your stripes are.” You know what they don’t say? ANYTHING ABOUT GAY OR QUEER LISTENERS.
And sometimes, a corporation tries to get in on the action without even realizing what they’re doing, or possibly implying, as this ad from Burger King Austria does. Tops and bottoms, huh? Sure.
An add from Burger King Austria showing two Whoppers in front of a rainbow, the one on the left has two top buns and the one on the right has two bottom buns. Text at the top reads “Time to be proud.” and text on the bottom reads “Pride Whopper” but the E in Whopper is replaced with a rainbow flag.
In that article you’ll find mention of some of Burger King’s past treatment of queer employees and issues, and now we’re starting to get to the heart of the matter.
I’ve searched and searched, and while I can find statements from Burger King regarding the death and covid policies, I haven’t been able to find anything from them taking a stand and refuting the bigoted manager who blamed it on HRT.
Maybe it’s out there and I’ve missed it, but if you ARE pro-queer (and even if you just cynically want to be SEEN that way for our delicious queer cash), wouldn’t you BLANKET that statement everywhere, disavowing that manager’s words? It should be easy to find!
Companies will say they support us, then fire us for simply wanting the same respect that every cisgender and heterosexual person at the company gets by default.
Look at all these companies with rainbow logos who supported the politicians who enacted Florida’s “don’t say gay” bigotry. That’s not allyship!
An image showing corporate pride/rainbow logos and how much each company has donated to supporters of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill: Charter Communications ($229000), Draft Kings ($50000), PepsiCo ($35000), AT&T ($102500), Comcast NBCUniversal ($92000), Anheuser-Busch ($35000), Walgreens ($31500), Zillow ($20000), Amazon ($7500). Text reads, “Contributions from 1/1/2020 to 2/15/2022 to bill sponsors, legislators who votes for the bill in committee, Speaker of the Florida House Chris Sprowls, and Governor Ron DeSantis. Source: Florida Campaign Finance.”
It’s so bad you can make jokes about it with notably evil fictional companies.
An image reading- Nobody: Corporations during June: (a collection of logos from evil companies in fiction, in rainbow colors, including, Umbrella Corporation, UAC Union Aerospace, Silver Shamrock Novelties, Skynet, OCP, Shinra Corporation, RR, Lexcorp, inGen, Weyland-Yutani Corp, Mishima Zaibatsu, Abstergo Industries, Black Mesa Research Facility, Aperture Laboratories, Mann Co., SCP Foundation, Mom’s Friendly Robot Company, and Virtucon.
If you want some info on companies with rainbow logos, who claim to support us and want our money, yet will turn around and donate to politicians who are taking our rights away, here you go.
Note the last one on that list is Ulta. I get a lot of makeup and hair products from them, so I’m on their marketing emails (I get too much email but I want the sale notices and discounts, IT’S A REAL DILEMMA).
Anyway, this one I experienced personally. Imagine my utter shock and (pleasant) surprise when this email came in:
A very (VERY) long vertical image showing a marketing email from Ultra for Pride. There are photos of three people of varying races and genders, and images of various makeup products interspersed throughout. Text reads:
With Pride. Whoever you are. Whoever you Love. However you identify. We’re proud to celebrate and spotlight the LGBTQ+ community, this month and beyond. This week, get to know organizations making a difference, and the brands that support them.
The Trevor Project. Creating a safer, more inclusive world through crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ youth, plus critical research and advocacy. Brands that donate: Maybelline, Kiss, OPI, Madison Reed and L.A. Girl.
The Pride Foundation. Building a better, safer, more equitable world through community organizing and student support. Brands that donate: L.A. Girl.
Los Angeles LGBT Center. Caring for the community in Los Angeles and beyond with health and social services, housing, education and advocacy, and more. Brands that donate: NYX Professional Makeup.
Ali Forney Center. Transforming lives by protecting LGBTQ+ youth from homelessness, empowering them with tools to live independently. Brands that donate: L’Oreal.
Triangle Community Center. The leading provider of programs and resources to nurture and support LGBTQ+ residents of Fairfield County. Brands that donate: Eyelure.
G.L.A.A.D. Founded as a protest against defamatory coverage of the community, G.L.A.A.D. works through media to share stories that accelerate acceptance. Brands that donate: Sally Hansen.
The Point Foundation. Empowering LGBTQ+ students to achieve their full academic and leadership potential through financial aid and scholarships. Brands that donate: Scunci.
True Colors United. Striving to end homelessness in the queer community, fueled by the belief that housing in a human right. Brands that donate: Manic Panic.
I know that’s a weird size, but I wanted to include it all. Hopefully you can zoom in to see it. It shows brands that Ulta sells, and which LGBTQIA+ organizations those companies donate to and support. That feels much closer to something real!
Of course you should still do your due diligence and check who else those companies may donate to. Ulta has seemingly donated very little to politicians, and much moreso to democratic ones, but ANY dollars supporting republican PACs isn’t great.
But it’s only $1500 total, came from individuals and not the company itself, and is utterly obliterated by the amount given in support of democratic candidates who are much more likely to support queer causes, so that might be as good as it gets in this world.
And as soon as that happened… the company walked back their support of her to appeal to the bigots who got offended at a trans woman existing. And of course Anheuser-Busch is actually a HUGE donor to the Republicans. So they obviously don’t care about queer people at all.
And even more recently, there was the issue with the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you’re not aware, the team was going to have a Pride night, as many sports teams do. A night to celebrate their queer fans during one of the games. Seems like a good thing, right?
A tweet from the Los Angeles Dodgers that reads: In the spirit of unity, the Los Angeles Dodgers are proud to host our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. This event has become a meaningful tradition, highlighting not only the diversity and resilience within our fanbase, but also the impactful work of extraordinary community groups. This year, as part of a full night of programming, we invited a number of groups to join us. We are now aware that our inclusion of one group in particular – The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – in this year’s Pride Night has been the source of some controversy. Given the strong feelings of people who have been offended by the sisters inclusion in our evening, and in an effort not to distract from the great benefits that we have seen over the years of Pride Night, we are deciding to remove them from this vear’s group of honorees.
So what the hell is going on here? From their own website, here’s who the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are: “The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are a leading-edge Order of queer and trans nuns. We believe all people have a right to express their unique joy and beauty.
“Since our first appearance in San Francisco on Easter Sunday, 1979, the Sisters have devoted ourselves to community service, ministry and outreach to those on the edges, and to promoting human rights, respect for diversity and spiritual enlightenment.
“We use humor and irreverent wit to expose the forces of bigotry, complacency and guilt that chain the human spirit.”
They’re a charitable organization that’s been around for over 40 years, made up up queer people WHO EXPOSE AND LAUGH AT BIGOTRY to make political statements. They were there supporting the community through the AIDS crisis when we were abandoned by everyone else.
In fact, the Dodgers just gave the LA chapter of the Nuns an award for their twenty-seven years of charitable service to the city. AND THEN DISINVITED THEM FROM PRIDE NIGHT WHEN BIGOTS COMPLAINED THAT THE NUNS MAKE FUN OF BIGOTS.
You can visit lasisters.org to learn all about them and their mission of compassion and acceptance for everyone, and how their goal is to support the queer community and spread our joy. You can read their statement on this train wreck there, too.
People like thirsty sycophant MARCO RUBIO, from ultra-fascist Florida, complained that the nuns mocked Catholics with a “lewd imitation” of nuns. And let’s unpack that a little. Because it’s a continuation of the “all queerness is inherently sexual” bullshit the Republicans keep spewing.
“We can’t have a gay kiss in media even though hetero kisses are everywhere! Queer people are pedophiles!” Florida just made it a crime for trans people to use public bathrooms under the guise that all trans women are sex offenders BY DEFAULT. This is that exact same bullshit.
Drag and trans people are seen as inherently sexual and awful simply by existing. Further, IMITATIONS OF NUNS is free speech protected by the first amendment! There’s literally NOTHING wrong with or illegal about it.
But religious bigots get their undies in a bunch every single time they’re called on their bigotry, and those religious bigots who are politicians complained and the Dodgers INSTANTLY folded. Not only that…
They DARED to do it while talking about “unity” and “diversity” and “the impactful work of community groups,” thereby implying that the sisters are the antithesis of all of that. THIS IS THEM SAYING “QUEERNESS IS ONLY OKAY IF THE BIGOTS AGREE WITH IT.”
HEAVEN FORBID WE UPSET THE BIGOTS BY CALLING OUT THEIR BIGOTRY.
As we’ve talked about many times in Trans Tuesdays, there is no “both sides.” You either believe in equality and human rights, or you don’t. The other side of that IS LITERAL BIGOTS AND NAZIS. And the Dodgers said, “well the bigots have some good points…”
Which thereby tells EVERY SINGLE QUEER PERSON that they’re not welcome there. And there you see the Dodgers’ rainbow capitalism laid bare: they only wanted our dollars, they only wanted to APPEAR supportive. In reality, they don’t give two shits about us.
However, after a LOT of outcry, and many big queer organizations pulling out of the Dodgers’ Pride Night in protest, they thankfully reversed course.
A new statement from the LA Dodgers (with rainbow logo! natch) that reads: After much thoughtful feedback from our diverse communities, honest conversations within the Los Angeles Dodgers organization and generous discussions with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers would like to offer our sincerest apologies to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, members of the LGBTQ+ community and their friends and families.
We have asked the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence to take their place on the field at our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. We are pleased to share that they have agreed to receive the gratitude of our collective communities for the lifesaving work that they have done tirelessly for decades.
In the weeks ahead, we will continue to work with our LGBTQ+ partners to better educate ourselves, find ways to strengthen the ties that bind and use our platform to support all of our fans who make up the diversity of the Dodgers family.
Thankfully public pressure got them to reverse that terrible decision, but the ending of the new statement is key. They need to work WITH the queer community on these things, all companies do. You can’t just be reactionary babies every time a bigot throws a fit.
And this wasn’t even SOLELY corporate greed, because their Pride collection featured items from indie queer creators! Which is exactly how it should be, so there’s money going TO queer people and it’s helping people find their work.
But then that merch is pulled, which hurts the very people you’re trying to help (both the creators and those who’d like to purchase the items to support them).
And this is a really tough situation on the surface, because Target wants to (and has an obligation to) protect their employees, especially those who are queer and/or trans. But they also have an obligation to not abandon those marginalized voices they were spotlighting.
In the past they faced backlash over masking policies… and stood firm. In the past they face bigoted backlash for having an inclusive bathroom policy and letting trans people use their true names on nametags, even if it hadn’t been legally changed yet.
And by all accounts I could find, they respected employees’ pronouns. And when the bigots complained about all of that, still they stood firm. They didn’t cave. But now they have. And thus the bigots are emboldened.
If you show them their violence and terrorism works, THEY WILL KEEP DOING IT. You do not cave to this crap, all that does is justify it in the heads of the people who get enraged at rainbow merchandise not targeted at them, like some emotionally stunted babies.
I also want to remind you they are a MEGA CORPORATION WITH MANY RESOURCES. They need to sue the violent bigots into the ground with all their resources, and then guess what? It will STOP, and queer people will be protected. But no, they just caved. And it’s sickening.
But this of course brings us to “is there any ethical consumption in a capitalist society?” To which the answer is probably no and the best we can do is try to minimize the damage with our purchases while trying to effect painfully slow system-wide change.
And I guess the point I’m making is to just know where your dollars are going, but also that corporations CANNOT (well, “should” not, because clearly they CAN) say they support us while donating to people/organizations that want to take our rights away.
This ties in directly with my Trans Tuesday on TRANS POLITICS, wherein I explain how you CANNOT vote for people who want to harm us and claim you are an ally, a friend, or even family. You do not truly love us or care about someone you’d vote to take rights away from.
Oh I hear you say YOU would never vote to take our rights away, but if you vote for politicians who do, I’m sorry to tell you that’s the exact same thing. You might as well be signing trans healthcare bans yourself for all the harm you’re doing.
If you go to Chick-fil-A, you are giving them money they WILL use to hurt us. It doesn’t matter if you donate the same amount you spent to a pro-queer org. They don’t cancel each other out, you’re ENABLING THEIR BIGOTRY AND HELPING THEM HARM US.
If you’re interested, Matrix Resurrections also deals with this somewhat, though also with the erasure/co-opting of trans voices. But that’s not an entirely unrelated topic, because what are these companies doing if not claiming to be with us while not listening to us?
A tweet from Erin Reed, @ErinInTheMorn, that reads: Corporate DEI team: thinking of painting your logo rainbow? DON’T, unless your company has: – Pulled out of a state with anti-trans laws if applicable. – Donated to 0 anti-LGBTQ politicians. – Covers ALL trans healthcare – including FFS/Hair removal/top surgery
Corporations need to NOT support politicians/causes that hurt us, they need to offer full trans healthcare coverage as part of their health insurance package, they need to use their pull to fight for us politically.
Queer people are human beings who deserve equality, not inanimate pawns meant to increase your wealth.
If all you want is our money, and don’t support us getting equal rights?
Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week things are gonna get uncomfortable. Literally. Strap in (a ha, it is to laugh) because we’re talking about: TUCKING AND BINDING.
Cis folks, this one includes activities you can do right in your own home!
Caveat: as a trans woman, binding isn’t something I’ve done or have any experience with. But it’s the other side of the tucking coin.
Okay soooo what the heck are tucking and binding? Very generally, tucking is what some people who were assigned male at birth do to hide the penis and testicles. Binding is what some people who were assigned female at birth do to hide breasts.
Why on earth would we do that? There’s a few reasons, and it can be a combo of them or even something else entirely. Also trans men and women aren’t the only ones who employ these techniques. Many nonbinary, agender, and gender fluid people also do it.
One of the big reasons is GENDER DYSPHORIA. If a trans woman’s secondary sex characteristics make her dysphoria worse, she might want to hide them just so she doesn’t have to see them and be reminded.
Hiding the penis and testicles provides for a more typically (cis) feminine appearance. Even if a trans woman wants bottom surgery to alleviate this issue, the wait is often years long. Tucking may help in the meantime.
Also, maybe you’ve never considered this, but women’s clothes are exclusively designed for cis women. Which means there’s not… room in the crotch. For stuff. Which means when wearing women’s clothes, those of us AMAB are faced with some problems.
It can be really uncomfortable, or even downright painful. On top of that, as the clothing wasn’t designed with room for crotch junk, said crotch junk can show in ways clothes designed for cis men might prevent.
There are even specialty undies to help trans women with this, which you can learn more about in the essay on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).
And lemme just make it clear that if a trans lady wants to show that area off, that’s her business. How many cis men wear pants that are too tight for exactly the same reason? If they get to do it, so do trans women.
But even if a trans woman doesn’t want to tuck, it can also be an issue of safety. And I suspect you can imagine the added danger we’d open ourselves up to in public by being a woman who had visible crotch junk under her pants. It’s a big flashing neon I’m trans sign.
I’m not ashamed of being trans. I love being trans. I don’t hide it. I’ll probably never really be able to pass for a cis woman anyway, which is an entirely different and complicated issue you can learn about in MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
But considering the epidemic of violence against trans people, especially us trans women, anything that can minimize that is a good thing. So tucking is also very much a safety issue. And for more on so many of the hurdles we jump through just to not be harassed or assaulted see the essay on BOYMODE/GIRLMODE.
We shouldn’t have to do that just to make ignorant violent cis people leave us alone. But this is the terrible society we live in.
Okay okay okay, so now you know why we do it, and (roughly) what it is. And I bet you’re wondering… how… does one do that? Remember when I said there was something you could try right in the comfort of your own home? (I should warn you now, there’s nothing “comfortable” about it.)
Guess what I’m going to ask you to do today! 🌟
Listen. There’s not a lot of being trans that cis people can actually experience for themselves. Although… see the essay on GENDER EUPHORIA, because that one you definitely can.
But! Tucking and/or binding is something you can do. And I want you to. Because it will give you a little more insight into some of the things we deal with.
Alright, cis dudes, are you ready? You’re a manly man, nothing to be afraid of! You can do it, I believe in you! Here we go.
Did you know that humans have a little… opening, I guess, for lack of a better word, in the abdomen? It’s called the inguinal canal, and in AMAB folks, it’s basically right under/behind the penis at the top of the scrotum (oh no weird medical crotch terms).
If you gently poke around there you should find it. Here’s where the fun comes in… y’know how your testicles move around in the scrotum? There’s room for them to do that, because they like to party. So let’s party!
Gently push them up into the inguinal canal. I hear your screams from here, but it’ll be fine as long as you’re careful. Spoiler alert: they’ve probably been in there before, like when it’s very cold or at other times when they recede somewhat.
One goes up and in on each side. Then you pull the penis down and back to rest between your butt cheeks. Don’t pull too hard, or too far, or wedge it in there hard or anything. But that’s where it goes.
If anything hurts, you’re doing it wrong. It should be uncomfortable (definitely uncomfortable), but not painful. If it hurts, undo and try again.
Then you pull your underwear and pants back up, and voila! Your junk be hidden. Well… mostly.
But okay, you’ve successfully done your first tuck! Now what? Try walking around. Try bending over. Try sitting down. Now imagine doing that for… an hour. Two hours. Eight hours. All day every day that you have to leave your home, or maybe all day every day if it makes your dysphoria better. Welcome to a tiny portion of the trans woman experience!
Oh and any time you have to pee, guess what? Undo and redo all of it.
Every time.
You may notice things are… popping out. Yep! You have to use things to help hold it all in place… some people use tape (ouch) or sports tape that’s at least meant for skin. Some use a gaffe that goes over the underwear. And again, some use specialty underwear that’s meant to smooth the area over, as discussed in that TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear) essay.
There’s even something called T-tape meant just for this, but I’ve not tried it.
But all of this is to flatten the front appearance and help keep everything tucked away without popping out. Before I had enough tucking undies to use every day, I had to remember to put them on if I was going out, because regular underwear will absolutely not work.
And stop and imagine for a minute if every time you left your home you had to remember to pause and think about what underwear you’re wearing, and then very likely have to go change them just to go to the grocery store. Fun, no?
For cis women to try binding your breasts, you know how a sports bra really flattens out the area? That’s a good start. There are binders made for this specific purpose, but they can be expensive. You can also try doubling up a sports bra to get more compression. But you have to be really careful, because obviously you are restricting your chest, which means if you do it wrong or too tightly you can injure yourself. Either way, it may somewhat restrict your breathing. And this is what trans men and some AFAB nonbinary people have to do every day.
There’s also a flip-side to this. Before HRT made my breasts grow, I wore silicone breast forms in my bra. Why? A couple reasons. One, it lessened my dysphoria. A lot. It made me look, and more importantly feel, like the real me.
Second, I’ve talked a bit about how buying an entire new wardrobe is… expensive. See the Trans Tuesday on PRIVILEGE: TIME AND MONEY.
So if I bought women’s clothes that would only fit me when I had no breasts to speak of, they might not fit me anymore when that changed. And I just cannot afford to replace every item of clothing I own twice (much less the once that I already had to).
This meant that grabbing a $30 pair of fake boobs to drop in my bra was the most economical solution to helping me get clothes that would, hopefully, fit me for a while. Even though we all know women’s clothes don’t last that long. See the essay on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.
I stopped using the breast forms about six months into medical transition, because I didn’t need them anymore. Which made me incredibly happy! But I’m so glad they were there for me early on, because they really helped.
And for those who are AFAB, the corollary to breast forms is what’s called a soft pack, which is a soft silicone penis and testicles they can situate in their underwear. And they do it for all the exact same reasons.
Are there negativeg long-term effects of tucking or binding? There is suspicion that routine tucking could lead to infertility, but no hard data. Folks who use binders regularly may end up with back issues.
Would it surprise you to learn nobody really knows? Because we’re not considered important enough for these things to be studied. Hell, almost all of HRT exists because the drugs were developed for other reasons, for cis people, and then also had applications for trans people.
So if anyone out there in the medical community would like to start specifically studying how these things affect trans folks, or possibly even develop medications actually intended for us first and foremost, that’d be super.
Until then, we’ll keep tucking and binding, and doing the best we can with what we have. Because it’s so much better than the alternative.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re getting into two topics! One is very straightforward and easy, the other is convoluted and complex. But they’re intrinsically related, so we’re gonna talk about them together. Let’s get into MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
Misgendering, quite clearly, is when someone genders another the wrong way. This doesn’t just happen to trans people, mind you! It can happen to cis folks too, especially if they don’t conform to the rigid stereotypes of what women and men “should” look or act or sound like.
In fact, if you check out the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 (in movies/tv) you can see misgendering cis people is often played for laughs. It’s a JOKE, isn’t it FUNNY someone mistook this girl for a boy? O HO HO IT IS TO LAUGH.
Passing is the more complicated issue, but only in terms of talking about it. It’s incredibly easy to understand. If you’re not familiar, it’s when a trans person can “pass” or be seen as a cis person of their gender.
And already you can hopefully see how fraught and delicate that topic is, because you’re talking about the ways other people PERCEIVE us, and that is ALL wrapped up in societal “norms” and implicit biases. See the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more info.
If you’re interested in the science behind misgendering and why it happens, my lovely friend Zoe has an article for you.
I have gotten misgendered a lot. Most trans people have, and that’s ALSO because of the implicit queerphobia (and sexism, and a whole host of other issues) society imprints on us because we are raised inside of it.
We’re led to believe women and men “should” (I stress those quotes) look and behave a certain way, and if someone doesn’t, or “worse” (MEGA stress on those quotes) is read as a gender different than what we are, we get misgendered. I have a fine (horrible) example for you.
I’m at the pharmacy picking up prescriptions. The woman at the register proceeds to call me “sir” six times in the span of five minutes.
In case you’re wondering, so you understand the situation: my hair was down, and is quite long. I’m wearing ladies’ cat eye glasses, a lady-cut leather jacket (unzipped) with visible boobs (in a bra) under my shirt, lady-cut jeans, and a goddamned purse. My mask is light pink.
And the mask covers (what I feel is) the most masculine part of my face, my jawline. And I’ve spent over TWO YEARS in voice therapy to feminize my voice. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO? How are you still choosing to call me “sir”?
I do not believe this cashier was being malicious about it. Actually it’s possible she never even looked at me long enough for it to register, and was replying to me simply based on my voice. Which… again, I’ve been working on for a very long time.
Either way, the result is I was specifically coded the way our society codes women, saying LOOK AT ME: WOMAN. RIGHT HERE. And
it
didn’t
matter
And it just wrecked me for the rest of the day. It actually might have been easier to deal with if it HAD been intentional and malicious, because then, while still awful, you can be like “they’re just a bigot and their opinions are all wrong and don’t matter anyway.”
But no, here was just a person who absolutely did not (or did not care to) see me as the person I am. And I’m doing everything I can to make you SEE ME. Please, see **ME**. I’m right here! Look! This ties right into the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.
Trans people have spent our LIVES not being seen, feeling alone and isolated in our own bodies. We finally discover the truth, get the courage to transition in a society that discriminates against us and often actively harms us…
And we’re still NOT SEEN. It’s just devastating. It made me feel smaller than I ever did when *making* myself small because of my dysphoria. It was worse. So much worse. It made me feel like no matter what I do, maybe the world will never see ME.
And this is where we dovetail with “passing.” No trans person should have to pass to be accepted as themselves in society. We should be able to just be ourselves, whatever our most true self may be, and that should be the end of it.
But our society is deeply flawed (in so many ways), and sadly it just doesn’t work like that. I don’t think I pass, but I also don’t want to. I’m fine if people read me as trans, because I’m SO PROUD to be trans. Truly.
But there’s a safety issue at play, right? Because violence against trans people, especially us trans women, is an epidemic. Cis women have it bad too, don’t misunderstand, but it’s not the same. The danger is definitely heightened when your variety of woman is trans.
So if a trans person can pass as cis, that can help them be more safe and even more accepted by the cis people around them. If they read us as “one of them,” they’re less likely to otherize us or harass us or worse.
I don’t care if I pass. But if I did, I’d get “she” and “her” and “miss” much more often affirming me as who I am. I wouldn’t get discriminated against (for being trans, but still definitely would for being a woman).
If I passed, I wouldn’t get stared at by so many people every time I’m out, where I can see the gears turning in their heads as they try to figure out my gender (as if it’s in any way relevant to them or any of their business).
See the trans tuesday on STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings) for more on what that does to a person.
If I passed, I wouldn’t have my DMs full of chasers popping in to harass me, sexualize me, and then immediately spout transphobic vitriol at me if I don’t respond positively. There’s a whole trans tuesday on CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.
No trans person should HAVE to pass just to be treated like a human being!
And there’s the other side of the coin… where if you feel you need to pass because you can’t or don’t want to “look trans” that’s a BIG problem and is INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA at work. Yep, there’s a trans tuesday on it (natch).
As I’ve mentioned before, part of me does wish I was a cis woman, because it would be so much easier. And because of all the experiences as a young girl that I missed out on. But it’s not being cis that I want, I just want a life that’s not so hard and life experiences I missed.
For more on that, see THE CONSTANT FIGHT for the ways cis people make trans existence a constant and necessary fight for survival (by design).
And see THE PAST AND WHY IT HAUNTS US for how difficult our own pasts can be for trans people who transition as adults.
But I AM proud of being trans. It’s who I am, and it took so much work and self-reflection and fucking courage, and I’m proud as hell of all of it. Every trans person should be. I don’t want to hide it. And I shouldn’t have to.
But I’m not here to judge any trans person who passes. NONE of us should judge any trans person for whether they pass or not, or WANT to pass or not.
Everyone has to decide what’s best for them, and even that can be in flux over time, as we learn and change and grow. And that’s fine. Just let people BE.
Maybe what would help is somehow doing away with “sir” and “miss” and “ma’am” entirely. Do we NEED these gendered words? If the cashier at the pharmacy had simply said “Sorry for the delay” instead of “Sorry for the delay, sir,” it would have been no less respectful.
And I also can’t help but think of all our nonbinary friends, for whom ALL of the above gendered words are going to make them feel like they’re not seen. I mean damn, if they go see a show and it opens with an address of “ladies and gentlemen,” they’re already left out.
I don’t know if there’s an easy answer. There’s probably not. Other than simply ASKING someone their pronouns before you begin a discussion with them.
That’s why people putting their pronouns in their bios on social media is so important, because it normalizes it. It’s an easy show of support from cis allies to say, hey, telling people your pronouns (or asking someone for them) is perfectly fine, we should ALL do it.
So until our society, our language, and our lexicon can come up with some better way of addressing people respectfully without gendering them at all… please just ask.
Because that simple act could be the difference between a trans person feeling seen and affirmed and like they belong in the world, or their entire day being ruined and maybe feeling like nobody in the world will ever really see them.
And just ask people their pronouns! It’s not hard, and could mean the world to someone. Signed, the lady who still sprouts wings and takes flight when someone refers to her with “she” or “her” or “hey you tall buff lady.” 💜
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re gonna talk about something every trans person deals with, though we wish we didn’t have to. So let’s examine TRANSITION SETBACKS.
Because for a while… I almost lost myself.
This is something I subconsciously knew going in, and probably even consciously knew on some level. Few things in life happen in straight lines, with uninterrupted forward progress. So why would transition be any different?
Honestly though, that’s how my transition HAD been going up until the start of this year. And it was elating. I was constantly moving toward being the most ME I’ve ever been. And while it was slow, because transition is a process, it was gradual, constant improvement.
But two things happened around the start of this year that dramatically impacted my transition, and it was really tough for me to deal with. So my hope is by talking about them, I can help some other trans folks out there realize these things are normal.
They SUCK, don’t get me wrong, but they’re also to be expected. Stuff happens, that’s life. And I think if I had been MORE consciously aware of that, they might not have hit me quite as hard as they did.
I felt a bit blindsided, which is my own fault for thinking things would just continually get better forever without interruption. But things had been going SO well and I was feeling SO good the more I became the true me, I guess I stopped thinking about anything going wrong.
I’ve mentioned many times how changing my body pre-transition, away from the “dad bod” I had, was still a very real part of my transition. It allowed me to get closer to ME before I began my social/medical transition. See the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.
But I want you to understand it has been a very real part of transitioning for me. Not as much as hormone replacement therapy, or my hair, or my clothes, but still really important. Even now, years into my transition, I consider it vital.
Because if I stop, it means my body will (in some ways) transition back toward where it was pre-transition. And that’s an awful and frightening thing for me, because I do not want to be associated with that body at all.
Around the start of the new year, I was doing bicep curls after my push-ups. Normal exercising for me, part of the routine I did often. But for some reason, something went wrong in my left bicep.
I don’t know exactly what because I didn’t go to a doctor to get it checked out. It didn’t seem to be anything super serious, it was maybe just a pulled muscle or the like. BUT it meant I had to rest it. For weeks.
I think it took almost a month before it felt basically back to normal, and I could get back to using it to exercise. And guess what? In that time I had lost SO MUCH of my arm and upper body strength. Like SO MUCH.
Because again, I’m fighting HRT at every step. I love love love being on estrogen, but it is not kind to muscle definition. And nearly a month with no activity had seriously depleted my strength. I could barely manage a hundred push-ups in sets of 20.
Now I know some of you are gonna be like “that’s still a lot!” and for some people it certainly is. But it’s a third of what I’d been able to do before (in sets of 30). It was a drastic reduction. And I was EXHAUSTED and totally wiped out from doing those hundred.
And it kinda crushed me. Because although it didn’t change my physical appearance much (my biceps def got smaller, but I dunno if anyone could tell but me), I knew the truth of it was that I’d backslid and thus moved closer to where I was pre-transition.
And it terrified me. It was so hard to deal with, because if there’s a timeline with a slider, with pre-transition me on one end and the 100% true me on the other, I had clearly moved toward the wrong end, however slightly.
It felt like the walls were closing in on me. It felt like the unending sea of dysphoria was there, just behind those walls, and cracks were forming. It was threatening to come in and drown me again.
And you can’t rush muscle healing or strength training. I’m only just NOW getting back to where I was before I got hurt. And it’s been tough to not push myself too hard to try and get back faster, because doing so would likely result in me getting hurt again.
There was literally no way to make it go any faster, which meant I had to just sit inside those cracking walls, feeling the trickle of water begin, and do my best to slowly and methodically patch the cracks before I drowned.
And then, in the middle of dealing with all of that, a MUCH larger setback happened. I mentioned in the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE that I didn’t know there were two kinds of progesterone, and I’d recently switched.
What I didn’t tell you in that trans tuesday is that while the micronized progesterone has absolutely helped with breast growth and developing small but very real hips for me… apparently medroxyprogesterone suppressed testosterone a lot more.
And so when I switched, while I got those great benefits I’ve been wanting for years… my T levels rose. A LOT. And I want to take a second to let you know what that did to me.
My body hair was growing a LOT faster again, and that makes me really dysphoric. There’s a whole trans tuesday about it.
My facial hair ALSO was growing faster, to the point where all of my time-intensive shaving against the grain every morning was no longer leaving my face smooth for an entire day.
But do you want to know the worst part? IT. MESSED. UP. MY. HEAD.
So many people on HRT will tell you how being on the right hormones made their heads feel right, emotionally and physically and in basically any other way you can think of.
And… I could feel it slipping away. I could feel ME slipping away.
My dysphoria was going back up, I was starting to feel angry and confused and trapped and isolated and lonely and broken all over again. It literally felt like the core of who I am, the ME, was being stripped away to be stuffed back inside that box I always kept her in before.
And do you want to know the wildest part? Just from my head and my emotions feeling wrong like they did before, I fell back into some things I always did back when I felt like that all the time WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.
Such as what, Tilly? I’m glad you asked. On multiple occasions, I almost accidentally misgendered myself in my head. THREE YEARS INTO MY SOCIAL TRANSITION! That stopped a few months after I came out when I got used to being the real me.
And now here it was happening again, because I felt like I did back then! And you know what else? I was surprised to discover when I went to the bathroom I WAS PEEING STANDING UP. I have not done that in years, even since before my social transition started!
I didn’t INTEND to do it, it just happened. And I realized midway through what was going on. I didn’t think anything of it at first BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS DID WHEN I FELT THIS HORRIBLE BEFORE. It was definitely not helping my already wounded state!
And then with all of those changes happening, I began to worry that the fat redistribution under the skin would also start changing back, and my face would morph back to that stranger I never recognized in the mirror for my entire life.
The largest part of my gender dysphoria always came from my face. I mean lots of other parts of my body, too, but that was the worst. And so the thought of no longer even being able to SEE MYSELF was terrifying.
It was absolutely DEVASTATING. It WRECKED me entirely. I was an emotional mess for weeks. And I was so, SO mad that in order to get more of the body changes I want (breast growth and hips) I had to sacrifice all the other things I also want.
WHY does it have to be like this? It’s SO UNFAIR. I didn’t ask for this. Why can’t I just BE ME and not have to deal with this? Can you even imagine what it’s like to feel your identity is being stripped from you? Ripped out of your mind and heart, leaving a cold shell behind?
That’s where I was. And my body was getting more dysphoric IN TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAYS at THE EXACT SAME TIME.
But HRT is always about finding the right balance, adjusting as you go, trying to get more of what you need and less of what you don’t. And so I adjusted, and now… I think I’ve found an okay balance. Maybe.
My body hair’s still growing faster than I like, BUT not as bad as before. My facial hair is back to staying gone for a day as long as I keep shaving it really close against the grain, over and over again, every morning.
I’m still seeing the gains I want from the micronized progesterone. I think. I mean hormones are slow but my boobs hurt so I’m pretty sure they’re still growing and I can still see my actual little hips that make me totally euphoric.
But above all, the hormones have adjusted enough that my brain, my thoughts, my personality, my ME is back. I feel like myself again, and I’m so glad because those dark days where I felt almost like I was entirely cut off from the world again were so tough to deal with.
All of which is to remind you again that few things in life are nothing but a straight path of progress. There are going to be twists and turns, ups and downs, and sometimes it’s going to feel like you’re going backward. That’s just the way life works. It’s normal.
But when that happens, PLEASE do not give up. There is still a way forward, even if you can’t see it at the time. It’s hard work, but you can find the path back to where you want to be.
And when it happens, remember you’re not the first person it’s happened to, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If Susan wasn’t there to help me through it, the despair might have eaten me alive.
Reach out to those who care about you when you need it.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic wasn’t one I ever thought I’d do, because I thought it was something everyone was aware of. Turns out: no. Every time it comes up people are surprised and horrified. So let me tell you about TRANS PANIC.
I wish this were something cute like every time I wanted pizza but my favorite pizza place was closed and it upset me. Even “I don’t know if I’ll be able to refill my HRT,” while actually a serious issue, would be a much less sinister description.
Because trans panic, you see, is a (valid and accepted) legal defense people can use in cases of murder, manslaughter, and assault. It generally goes thusly: I thought she was a cis woman but we went to have sex and I saw a penis and I snapped.
Or “this person flirted with me and I found out they were trans and so I panicked and killed them.” You know, normal, healthy stuff.
In the VAST MAJORITY of the United States, this is LEGAL. It is an accepted reason you can use to defend your actions in a court of law.
It’s akin to GAY PANIC, which you’ve probably correctly surmised is the exact same thing but only for gay folks. Also still legal in many places!
So cisgender straight folks out there, stop for a second and think about what that means. Think about how it would make you feel, not just in and of itself, but as LAW supported by the GOVERNMENT.
“I was flirting with this nice lady but I found out she was cisgender so I snapped and killed her. You can’t blame me for that!” And the all-transgender government says, huh, yeah, MAKES SENSE.
How does that make you feel? Do you want to curl up into a ball and hide? Almost like maybe that’s the intent? How about that.
Liiiiiike do you understand the world we’re living in here? Can you imagine what it’s like to be so hated by cisgender people, who control everything and make all the laws, that they say it’s fine if people kill us because the very nature of our existence so upset them?
Let’s get one thing straight: the law is wrong and fucking awful. But if you think transphobes are going to stick to only using it in “sexual situations,” I think our last president has an “infrastructure week” to sell you.
It’s a short hop from “sexual situations” to “flirting” to “she looked at me wrong.” Our entire history shows you the way shit like that has been warped and weaponized against minority populations. To think this time is any different is ludicrous.
There’s a case where a cis man was flirting with women he didn’t know were trans. His friends mocked him for not knowing, and when he later flirted (or maybe just talked?) with another woman he found out was trans… he killed her. Just up and ended her life.
That guy CONFESSED and it still took TWO YEARS to even charge him. He took a plea down to manslaughter, the jury did not consider it a hate crime (?!?) and he was sentenced to twelve whole years. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
The New York Times has an account of this story that’s brutal. I’m not going to link to it because the description of what this disgusting piece of shit man inflicted upon Islan Nettles is… beyond awful. Nobody needs that dropped into their lap without warning.
Note there was no sex! Likely not even any actual flirting (which to be clear would in no way excuse it or make it less awful). It was a brief exchange on a street, and a cis man decided it was time for a trans woman to die. And this was a valid defense in 2015 New York.
Sit with that for a fucking moment.
My beloved California was the first state to ever ban this absolute nonsense, and it still didn’t even happen until TWO THOUSAND FUCKING FOURTEEN.
Which seems unconscionable, yet pales in comparison to all the places in this country where trans panic is STILL ALLOWED as a legal defense. Again, it’s the vast majority of the country.
I’m terrified to travel to any of the states that haven’t banned the trans panic defense. But you know what’s worse? TRANS PEOPLE LIVE IN THOSE STATES. And I’m so, so scared for them and their safety. I’m angry. I’m fucking repulsed. How can anyone justify this?
CONTACT YOUR REPS AND DEMAND THEY BAN IT. ONLY CIS PEOPLE CAN MAKE THIS CHANGE HAPPEN.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week I’m bringing back another old thread with a revision/update, because frankly current events demand it. So buckle up, because we’re talking about: TRANS KIDS (but this also relates to: THE INTAKE EXAM).
I didn’t know I was trans as a kid, even though the signs were all there. So I never got to experience what that’s like, and cannot speak from personal experience. But I do know what it feels like to be a kid and be trans, because trans is something I’ve always been.
Caveat: the intake exam may be called different things and be wildly different depending on the medical system, or part of the country/world a trans person is in. Please do not take my experience as evidence that it’s identical for every trans person.
This is an article I linked to back in early December of 2020. This was a HORRIBLE ruling, and look how much ink the notably-transphobic BBC gives to “getting it wrong” and “detransitioning” with barely a mention to the thoughts of actual trans people: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-55144148
Things have sadly only gotten much, MUCH worse since then, as attacks on trans people, specifically trans kids, have ramped up to an all-time high. Have a look at how bad things are for trans kids in the US RIGHT NOW: https://freedomforallamericans.org/legislative-tracker
Browse through there. DO IT. Look at what Republicans are doing. Banning trans kids from sports. Banning life-saving health care for trans kids. Making it a crime to help a trans kid be happy and comfortable in their own body.
Note “life-saving care” IS NOT FUCKING HYPERBOLE. “Data indicate that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, with suicidality highest among transgender youth.” https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32345113
And it’s not BEING TRANS that makes trans adults and trans kids suicidal, it’s HOW IMPOSSIBLE SOCIETY MAKES IT TO EXIST AS A TRANS PERSON IN THIS WORLD that is responsible for that.
But bigoted old Republicans think they know better than every medical professional. Does that sound familiar? With abortion rights? With COVID? Fucking atrocious.
I feel like I don’t even know where to start with this. It’s horrific, and if you don’t understand why… let’s start with a refresher on GENDER DYSPHORIA, and realize first that many trans kids are going through this, and many have it worse than I do.
So what happens when a kid of any age realizes they’re transgender and wants to transition? It’s obviously a very big decision, and it can be difficult for kids (especially the younger ones) to fully grasp everything that entails and the way life would change.
Bills banning gender-affirming care for trans kids have been scuttled, BY REPUBLICANS, because the wording would have prevented surgeries they want to force on intersex kids, and they absolutely cannot have that. I mean… the fucking hypocrisy of it all.
Transitioning for kids largely involves social transitioning only… wearing clothing that reflects their true gender, name/pronoun changes, things of that nature. But some, probably many, also go on puberty blockers.
When you stop taking the blockers, your body goes right back to making the hormone that was blocked. The puberty that was put on hold is no longer on hold, and happens normally. IT HAS NO PERMANENT EFFECTS WHATSOEVER.
And they have to reach a certain age (early teens I think, but may vary based on where you are) before they can even begin taking blockers, let alone add in the hormones that will help affirm their gender. And the whole point is to GIVE THEM THE TIME to make that decision.
So why not make kids wait to take it until they’re 18? Yeah, let’s talk about that. Because by 18 a lot of the body changes caused by hormones have already happened!
Let’s look at my case, as a trans woman. If I’d known I was trans, and had access to testosterone blockers BEFORE I hit puberty, the blockers would have STOPPED PUBERTY. Temporarily!
For me, guess what that meant? By 18 my shoulders had broadened. My voice had deepened. My jawline had become more pronounced. I got a lot taller. I developed a lot of body hair and facial hair, BOTH OF WHICH are the absolute worst parts of my own gender dysphoria. see the trans tuesday on BODY HAIR.
I mean you’re all familiar with what testosterone does to a body during puberty, you get the drift. If I’d had access to puberty blockers before that happened… think about all the dysphoria I have that could have been avoided. Those bodily changes WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Forcing a trans kid to go through a puberty that antithetical to their gender identity is cruel. It’s torture. It’s forcing their body to change in ways that will make it MORE difficult for them to transition in the future, and will dramatically worsen their dysphoria.
And again, dysphoria often comes with intense depression and anxiety and a lot of other mental health issues, including self-harm and sometimes people feeling like suicide is their only way out.
Imagine kids already on puberty blockers, who’ve socially transitioned. A 14 year old Tilly would’ve had no facial hair, been shorter, had narrower shoulders, a higher voice. She’d be dressing as a girl, and treated as one BECAUSE SHE WOULD *BE* A GIRL in the eyes of everyone.
And suddenly, without any warning or recourse, you take her puberty blockers away “for her own good”.
And now this 14 year old girl gets facial hair and a deep voice and her jaw and shoulders widen and what the FUCK do you think that is going to do to her? How is that helping her?? You’re turning her into the last thing she wants to be.
It’s fucking unconscionable. Especially given that if she discovers she’s not actually trans, she can stop the puberty blockers and experience male puberty without any issues whatsoever! This is so fucking ludicrous I can’t even believe it.
And here’s where we get into the INTAKE EXAM, because I think this is what most cis folks have literally no idea about. Now there are places in this country that have informed consent for trans people… you go in, certify that you consent to the treatment, and you get treated.
Here’s a map of the places that offer informed consent for trans healthcare. Despite how many there may seem to be, realize that out of all the places medical care is provided, it is still a VAST MINORITY. https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1477107291920941060
Okay so if a medical provider does not have informed consent for gender-affirming healthcare, what does that look like? Well let me tell you about what it was like for me. I could have found an informed consent provider, there are several here in Los Angeles.
But they would not have been covered by my insurance. We have Kaiser, and as they are an insurer AND medical provider, you go with them unless they specifically send you somewhere else. And gender affirming care paid for out of pocket is just not feasible for many trans folks.
The first thing that happened when I told my doctor I was transgender and wanted to transition was her referring me to a psychologist. Not because she thought being transgender is a mental illness, but because it’s policy.
A large part of the reason is that mental illness can often accompany gender dysphoria, so of course they want to check for that and be sure you get whatever help you may need on that front. Which is good and I absolutely understand and appreciate that.
But… they also want to “make sure” you’re trans (my words there, not theirs). They wouldn’t even CONSIDER referring me to an endocrinologist to begin HRT until I had my intake exam with the psychologist.
And this psychologist is a specialist in gender and transitioning. She’s my go-to for any other referrals I need for other services related to transitioning. Voice therapy, laser/electrolysis hair removal, and even gender confirmation surgeries.
So how did this very kind and nice lady determine I was trans? We had a very long phone call (because covid), and she had a billion questions to ask me.
And.
I.
Had.
To.
Justify.
My.
Existence.
As.
A.
Woman.
I want you to please sit with that a moment. Have you ever had to convince someone you’re a man or a woman? How would you do that? HOW? Especially when you can’t reduce it to your secondary sexual characteristics.
I mean even outside of being trans, the entire point of feminism is that women (or ANYONE) CANNOT be reduced to nothing but their reproductive organs. We, ALL OF US, are more than the sex junk we were born with.
I had to dig up every memory I could find, in the course of my years of self-examination, where looking back now I can see they were signs of my dysphoria, of my longing to be the girl or woman I knew I was. I had to prove to a total stranger that I AM WHO I SAY I AM.
Does that scare you? It should. It fucking scared me. Because what if I didn’t say the right thing? What if because my dysphoria revolves mostly around my face and my body hair, and not my genitals, she decided I wasn’t “trans enough” to transition?
It’s just terrifying and awful. It’s a nightmare. And I get why it’s important, but it’s also just absolutely horrible to go through. I don’t know how to tell you what it’s like. I can’t find the words for it.
And what you have to understand is the vast majority of trans kids who want puberty blockers, all of those kids already on puberty blockers… they all go through varying versions of this.
And a doctor, a psychologist trained in gender and transitioning, has listened to them and made the medical determination that it’s in the patient’s best interest to be on those puberty blockers. Especially given, AGAIN, they make no permanent changes to the body!
So what right does any government have to interfere in a matter between patients and their doctors? If you’re seeing stark parallels between trans folks and their transition care, and cis women/trans men and their right to choice… yeah, weird huh? Maybe think about why that is.
Every trans kid has ALREADY done more self-examination than I’d bet a whole lot of cis adults do in their entire lives. And I’m so thankful some of them have safe home environments in which to do that, but I know also that many do not. I certainly didn’t.
And don’t give me bullshit about supportive environments, or being exposed to the very idea/existence of trans people, as being “brainwashing” or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Hey cis folks, how much trans acceptance would make YOU suddenly not feel like a man or woman?
Is it zero? Of course it’s fucking zero. It’s not something you decide, it’s something you ARE. No amount of exposure is going to make you cis people suddenly trans, just as no amount of exposure to cis people is going to suddenly make trans people cisgender.
It doesn’t fucking work that way, and you know it. You never decided you were cis, you never decided you were straight or gay. Discover? Sure! Decide? No. These aren’t choices! They’re facts of existence.
Remember my post on WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE? Goes double for trans kids. Triple. Infinite quadruple (I’m making that a thing, everybody start saying it to back me up).
Here’s your reminder that there aren’t enough trans people to effect legislative change on our own. Cis allies, this fight is yours too. IT HAS TO BE, or these kids are going to suffer and many will never make it to adulthood.
See the trans tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP, and don’t let that be you. See the interlinked threads about what real allyship looks like.
And see the trans tuesday on TRANS POLITICS and how vital it is that YOU (yes YOU) help us.
Donate to the charities fighting all this bigoted legislation. Vote for people who believe we deserve equal rights. And there’s something else I’m going to ask you to do, and all it takes is a few minutes of your time.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something that recently surprised me, though it really shouldn’t have. We’re going all in on: THIS IS NOT FOR YOU 2 aka LET TRANS PEOPLE HAVE THINGS.
You’re going to need some context for this. First, please see my original THIS IS NOT FOR YOU trans tuesday, which really was about things that were not for ME (even though technically they were!) before the world knew I was trans, like Trans Day of Visibility.
You may have noticed last week the trailer for the fourth Matrix movie dropped. When this happened, my mega Matrix threads discussing the intentional trans allegory of the movie got shared more. A lot more.
You don’t need to have read them to understand this post, but really you should because it’s an absolute marvel what the Wachowskis accomplished. Those threads got me a book deal and became BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX.
What happened as my Matrix threads got shared around is it started to find people… who could not, would not accept the truth of what the Matrix is (I mean the movie, but honestly it also applies to the matrix of cis binary society the movie was talking about).
I’ve gathered some of the replies to my thread, or my talking to people about the thread, or even from replies to other people who were talking about the movie and its transness. Let’s take a look.
This guy skimmed the beginning of the first thread and the end of the last one, and missed every bit of evidence in between. He, a WHITE CIS MAN, felt he could (and should!) declare to the world what is/is not specific to a gender transition.
Where do you get the idea that you know better than trans people what is or isn’t specific to us? Is it from the society set up by cis straight white men to uphold and confirm their right to… everything? From the moment they’re born? From THE MATRIX??? (not the movie)
The Wachowskis saw you coming twenty years ago, my dude, and called you out right in the movie. “You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”
And of course he then shows his entire ass by calling us “transsexuals.” What an “expert” who’s not at all an “asshole.”
This guy was like “nah there’s a mountain of evidence but this one other thing.” Even if he was right (but he’s not), that wouldn’t… undo every other frame of the movie? Okay bud.
THIS GUY (hoo, deep breaths Tilly) accused the movie made by trans people, about trans people, and confirmed to be about trans people, as APPROPRIATING a trans narrative. How… are some dudes… SO… dense?
Also note his “fuck it, whatever” closing argument. Yeah, fuck it, who cares if people who never get to see themselves in movies like this finally do, why should he care? Literally 99.9% of all media and the entire world is set up to cater to him. Makes no difference.
AND YET the mere thought that this one movie does not in fact cater to him set him off (this wasn’t remotely his only tweet). HOW DARE ANYONE BUT HE GET SOMETHING MADE FOR THEM! We ask so much, you know.
This guy claims to “get it,” and probably thinks of himself as an ally, yet still makes excuses for how it cannot be the thing it so very, very clearly is.
Here’s another great one. The movie’s just claiming representation after the fact to be “woke,” despite the fact it was designed to be exactly what it is over twenty years ago. Yep, checks out.
Again someone who I’m sure thinks of themselves as an ally, yet is quick to point out it’s lots of other things too. Sure! It absolutely is. That doesn’t negate its transness, however. If you remove the trans allegory it wouldn’t be close to the same movie. There’d BE no movie. (the absolute joke this has become with calling world’s-biggest-transphobe JRK “woke,” hoooooo)
It’s important to not leave out some stuff it barely touches on, rather than talk about the one thing that is the blood that beats through every frame of the movie! Don’t forget about that other surface level point that’s not even an allegory!
When told the Wachowskis themselves confirmed their intent that it was a trans allegory, which can be confirmed in less than 60 seconds as YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET, just yell “fake news!” and walk away.
If you read my Matrix threads, you know about the point where I said (cis) people might get angry. The lobby scene, where Trinity and Neo mow down the guards protecting the agents so they can literally get to Morpheus, the subconscious that knows their true self?
I mentioned those guards are the people who are upholding the system that does violence to us and tries to prevent us from being our true selves, and the ones we have to go through to self-actualize. The people leaving these comments are. those. guards.
All of these were cis dudes, which should come as no surprise. So what’s going on here? Why are they so mortally offended, or so unwilling to just admit the truth of the trans allegory?
There’s a couple reasons. Part of it is the same reason the same dudes are offended by ANY minority group getting basically ANYTHING that would have defaulted to white dudes in the past. Lady Ghostbusters? A Black Widow movie? JIMMY OLSEN IS BLACK NOW?
THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE IN STAR TREK? WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS NEW STAR WARS NOT ALL WHITE ALL THE TIME EXCEPT FOR THE ONE TOKEN BLACK PERSON, WE GAVE YOU THAT, ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?
Listen you little gas station hot dogs, it won’t be enough until there are six different franchises with six movies each with casts that are entirely not you. And even then that wouldn’t actually be enough.
When EVERYTHING has been catered to you your entire life, any stride toward equality, equity, and justice feels like oppression to these folks. They feel attacked and on the defensive because not everything centers them anymore.
Which brings me to my next reason I think this is happening, which is that if they loved something for twenty years, and then learned it’s an INTRINSICALLY trans thing… I think they’re supremely worried what that says about them.
My dudes, that doesn’t make you trans. I like tons of stuff that’s 100% made by, and full of, cis people (which is mostly everything that’s out there). Didn’t change the truth of who I am!
Or are they afraid of the way it resonated with them in ways they didn’t quite understand, like it did for me? Certainly possible. I’m not one to say hating a trans thing means you’re an egg who can’t accept the truth, but it’s not unheard of.
Representation is getting better. There are more trans people in media than ever before, and there are more trans stories appearing in media than ever before. And that’s great, but it’s not the end? It’s barely a beginning.
So quick, name twenty trans actors. Ten? Five? Name five trans directors. Name five trans writers. Name five intrinsically trans stories told by trans people that you’re aware of in our pop culture
Do you see what I mean? There are no trans characters in Star Wars. There is ONE trans character in 800 episodes and 13 movies spanning Star Trek, and they’re not even officially mentioned as being trans in-story yet.
There are no trans characters in all of the MCU. There are no trans characters in DC movies, there is ONE across all the CW DC shows (and I love her, somebody let me write for Dreamer plz).
Look at big franchises praised for their inclusion, like Fast & the Furious. ZERO trans characters that I’m aware of (if I’m wrong, somebody let me know!). Can you name any of our major media franchises with even a SINGLE trans character?
Yet we’re here, existing. This world includes us! We can be in all of these stories that aren’t ABOUT being trans, because none of them are ABOUT being cis. Almost any role that calls for a woman or a man could be played by a cis or trans actor! And should be!
And so when you look at the Matrix, one major media thing that IS trans to its core… there’s not even a single trans actor in it. Even the one thing that is allll about us doesn’t feature us, because they couldn’t.
Straight cis white guys, can you imagine not seeing yourself in ANY MCU, DC, Star Wars, Star Trek, ANY of our popular media? EVER? And when a movie is finally made by straight cis white guys ABOUT being a straight cis white guy… no straight cis white guys were in it.
DO YOU SEE HOW LUDICROUS THIS IS?
The point is you can like the Matrix even if you’re not trans. You can like it even outside of the trans allegory. You can like it for any reason you want. Hopefully it helps you understand us better, but you can like it even if not!
But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s for US from start to end. It’s OURS. You can love it, you can enjoy it, you can hate it. But it’s OUR story. It speaks to US more than YOU and you’re gonna have to be okay with that.
After my threads were seen by so many more people last week, I received multiple DMs from people. One trans person said it gave them the courage to finally schedule the top surgery they’d been putting off.
One person told me the threads saved. Their. LIFE. (!!!) You do not get to tell trans people that the ONE piece of major media/pop culture made by trans people about being trans isn’t ours, or isn’t trans, or that we’re wrong (or that the Wachowskis didn’t know their own intent).
It’s okay for us to have the thing that’s made for us. And it’s okay for you to like it, too! Just unclench and try to embrace it already, will you? Maybe you’ll learn something. Free your mind.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today I want to talk about something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but have been able to do ZERO prep for because life has kept me ludicrously busy. So you’re gonna get an off the cuff, stream of consciousness examination of: LETTING GO.
Again I will remind you that I’m speaking of my own experience here, and while there may certainly be commonalities with other trans folks, I do not speak for them and do not claim this is any kind of universal experience. K? K.
I’m not sure what brought this to mind. I only added it to my list of topics to talk about a few weeks ago, so it wasn’t even something that occurred to me at the start. I suppose part of it is being out publicly for a year and the extra introspection that inspired.
To be clear this isn’t any kind of “one year in” retrospective (there will be one! But I’m doing it in a couple weeks and combining it with a “one year on HRT” retrospective). But I guess it made me realize that it hasn’t been everything I expected.
It’s been a lot I didn’t expect, and some I did. Which is not to say I have even an ounce of regret about transitioning, I absolutely do not. But one of the things I had to let go of was my expectations of what transitioning was going to do for me.
And again, it’s been amazing and I’m thrilled with the way things are going. But… I don’t know, it’s difficult to explain. Maybe because I had no time to do any kind of prep for this one. 😬 Or maybe it’s just a tough thing to voice.
One example that might be easier to approach it from is in thinking about my HAIR. I actually did an entire essay on that, and how important it is to me.
I had no idea I had curly hair. When it came in wavy, I was like… well okay, whatever. And then the longer it got the curlier it became. And I did not in any way ever anticipate that would be the case.
So when I thought about transitioning, when I imagined actually getting to be the woman I am inside, that was never part of the picture. As a kid I had mostly straight hair, so I thought that’s what I’d have. The lady inside me, the real me, had long straight hair in my head.
At first I just didn’t know what to think about it. I didn’t know if I even liked it. I thought about maybe straightening it (but I’m glad I didn’t, and now I don’t think I ever will). I just so badly wanted to BE the image in my head, and that’s not what my hair was. At all.
But the longer I sat with it, watched it grow, found the right products to care for it, and then finally got my first real haircut and got my ludicrous, lovely, wonderful, curly bangs… each step I fell more and more in love with it.
Not only just because I now feel it actually fits my personality and style (Do I have a style? Answer unclear.), but it’s MINE. This is MY hair, and I didn’t even know it. MINE MINE MINE. And I adore it. But I couldn’t get to that point without letting go of the expectations I had.
And a lot of transitioning, for me, has been very much like that. In thinking about women’s clothes, I had this idea in my head of what I’d wear. Turns out I don’t like wearing some of that! Or don’t like the way it looks on me.
I still have a lot I’ve not been able to try yet, but it’s been… educational. See the trans tuesday on PRIVILEGE (time and money) on how both time and money can restrict transition in many different ways.
I’m learning so much about who I AM, and even after all the introspection and soul searching it took to discover and accept I’m trans, there’s still more to go. Which I very naively thought I was done with once I accepted I was trans. Ha! I’m a dummy.
But I couldn’t get to where I am now, in a whole bunch of ways, without letting go of the expectations I’d laid out for myself. And I feel like that very much mirrors what happened for me as I discovered, explored, and accepted my own transness.
I was assigned male at birth, and despite NEVER ONCE feeling like a boy or a man, I still believed I was because that’s what society told me and what I was raised to believe.
And even though, EVEN THOUGH, it made me feel awful and miserable and distant and isolated and alone, it was the identity I had. It wasn’t real, but I didn’t know that for a long time.
And I had to LET GO of my preconceived notions of who I was in order to become who I AM and have ALWAYS been.
It also feels this is something that applies to humans across the board, regardless of gender (or lack thereof). We have all these preconceived notions of what our life will be, and how it’s going to go. Carefully laid plans that rarely go the way we think.
Which is not to say you shouldn’t plan for the future (I know I certainly do), and have goals and things you work toward. But nothing’s so cut and dry, directly on-path with no deviations. Life is chaotic and messy and beautiful.
And you have to roll with those punches. You’ve got to examine WHY you want the things you want, WHY you feel the way you feel. It’s the only way to get to the truth about what we want out of ANYTHING.
And do you know what giving yourself that permission takes? COURAGE.
I guess what I’m getting at is it’s great to dream and have goals, but as you work toward them (whatever they may be), don’t be so focused on the preconceived notion of them you miss the slight variation on them that you might like even better.
Or you might hate it! Certainly possible. But you won’t know if you don’t try, and you won’t try things if you don’t push past the fear of the outcome. Or the fear of the outcome being different than you expect.
LET. GO. You might like the reality of what you find on the other side.
