Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is a follow-up to a previous one, and is one (to my surprise!) several people have been asking me about and wanting to see recently so… here we go. HAIR PART 2: aka FIRST HAIRCUT. Of my life!
For much added context, please see my first thread on my HAIR.
And for more added context, please see my thread on the extra difficulty of A PANDEMIC TRANSITION.
All caught up? Great, here we go! (deep breaths, deep breaths) So as I mentioned in the pandemic transition thread, I had an appointment set up with a trans-friendly stylist recommended to me by my lovely, wonderful friend Barbra. And that appointment was two days ago.
SO WHAT HAPPENED? Reader, let me tell you. A week before I started getting really excited, but that so very quickly turned into utter terror. Not because I was worried about the stylist being anti-trans or anything, I trusted the recommendation.
But because I started to realize how much of myself, and my new, growing, developing sense of identity was tied up in my hair. I love how long it is. I love how nutso curly it is. It makes me feel like ME. And I was incredibly afraid of how I was going to feel afterward.
Because what if I hated it? What if the one and only thing about my physical body that I find pure and wonderful all the way through, that brings me basically no dysphoria… changed? What if it gave me MORE dysphoria?
I’ve linked to the essay on GENDER DYSPHORIA what feels like an infinite number of times, but almost everything comes back to that for me, so it’s there if you need a refresher (or if you’re new, hey, hi!).
I’m overcome with fear and sadness just thinking about it, and the appointment’s already in the past! But that’s what dysphoria does to you… you’d do almost anything to lessen it (or I would, anyway), and the thought of it somehow getting worse is utterly devastating.
Yet I had a feeling that if bangs were possible, IF if if, such a big if. But IF they were, it might make my dysphoria better, because such a large part of it for me revolves around my face. And I thought bangs might reshape it just enough to make it better.
Just sitting here typing these thoughts out I can feel my chest tightening and my pulse quickening. It hurts. And it’s already over and I know how it went! It’s such an unbelievably powerful thing, and I don’t have it half as bad as some people do.
In any case, as the day of the appointment got closer and closer, it became really hard to concentrate on or even think about anything else. It occupied almost all of my thoughts. I was so scared of coming out the other side of it closer to who I was before transitioning.
Which is a little nuts on the surface, it’s not like I was going to ask for my old buzz cut back. But I just… I don’t know. I guess my hair has become this symbol to me of the REAL me. It’s the first thing I did to transition, the first (and still only) thing to give me nearly zero dysphoria.
It’s the most ME part of me, if that makes any sense. And so anything that might make it feel less like ME meant moving me back toward the costumed shadow of a human I used to be. And when I tell you that feels like the water’s back to drown me in misery again…
Not only do I not want to go back to the shell that wasn’t me, I can’t. I CANNOT. It feels like it would crush the life out of me. It would crush the ME out of me, and that happened for too long.
I can’t let the me who never got to BE go through that. I won’t. So I was just an emotional wreck. The nerves were really hard to deal with. And yet they were super familiar, because I’ve been there before. A lot.
The first time I put on a dress. The first time I put on makeup. The first time I came out to Susan, to our kid, to my friends, to the world. The first time I stepped outside dressed as ME and not in a very poor “this is what cis guys look and act like, right?” costume.
And knowing the fear seemed insurmountable at those times, and yet I did it anyway, got me through. If I did it then, I could do it now. No, I don’t know what’s going to happen… it could be bad, but it could be GREAT. Let’s find out.
When I told you in the essay about COURAGE how it was a recurring theme in a lot of trans lives, this is part of what I was talking about.
Sometimes the only way to know if things might get better is to risk them possibly getting worse, right? That’s kind of the nature of our existence in a lot of ways, I suppose. For all of us, regardless of if you’re trans or cis.
Every new relationship forms because we open ourselves up to the possibility of it going horribly wrong, because we dare for the potential of it going right and the wonders that lay on the other side of that.
So I went to the appointment. The stylist was lovely and amazing and thought I could, indeed, do bangs. She thought they’d work, and could help reshape my face a bit (which I mentioned I wanted, she didn’t just offer that unbidden, that’d be weird).
We talked over some options, she showed me possibilities, asked tons of questions. She trimmed about three inches off the length, enough to get rid of the dead ends but keep it long enough that it still made me happy.
And I sat there feeling like I was at the top of a mile high drop on a roller coaster as I watched the scissors cut a TON of hair off, right in front of my eyes, to form bangs. I was so scared and probably failed to hide it.
And here we are. I have bangs… and they curl. A lot. Sometimes in weird ways and I have to fight with them to make them look intentional and not like I live in a wind tunnel, and I don’t care. I love them. I can SEE them with my eyes, boinging around up here.
When you spent 90% of your life with a 1/8“ buzz cut, you never see your own hair. But now I ALWAYS see it, and it’s a constant reminder. I’m seeing ME. The real me. She’s here now, and she’s not going anywhere.
Open yourself up to those possibilities, they may just go right. This one did, and it made the lady in the mirror so much closer to the real me I’ve longed to see.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re going to talk about something that I suspect is pretty personal and big for most trans people: HAIR.
I’ve mentioned before how I was pretty sure I was transgender for a long time, years in fact. But I had a hard date where I knew, even if I WAS trans, I wouldn’t start transitioning before then. So I took my time.
And one of the first things I did was decide that I’d grow out my hair. You have to understand what a huge thing this was for me, because… if you weren’t familiar with me pre-transition, I had about a 1/8“ buzz cut for all of my adult life.
It happened not long after I moved out on my own, and I’ll tell you what prompted it. As a kid, I never had much in the way of a hairstyle. When I was little I had bangs and my hair was pretty straight, though I had a few cowlicks that gave me fits.
But when I hit middle school my hair just started growing… up? And out? It was weirdly poofy for reasons I did not know. But hanging flat was not a thing it did anymore. I got made fun of for it a lot (among other things, like my nerdiness and my… “big lips”???)
So now, on top of being miserable in my own body all the time, I had this extra external source of discomfort that people were calling out, which made me even more uncomfortable. When I moved out, I decided to just get it buzzed because it was “easier” and “low maintenance.”
Those things are certainly true, and on top of that for a very long time we were very poor, so buying one pair of clippers and then just buzzing my head again every couple months saved money, so it felt like a win-win-win.
AND SHE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN. For a very long time, anyway. Because I actually quite liked never having to think about it or worry about it, and reader if you’ve been paying attention I bet you know why that is.
I was afraid of what would happen if I grew it out. And, like, what would that be? Literally nothing except how it would make me FEEL, and there you have it. The thought would have made me shrivel.
So it was easier to not examine that, to bury it super deep and pretend it didn’t exist. I just “didn’t have the time” to worry about a hairstyle, “didn’t care” about that shit and why would anyone?
That also ties right in on my pre-transition feelings on clothes and fashion, because again I will remind you all of these things are interconnected and you can’t really separate one aspect from the others. But I can’t talk about them all at once and so, see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.
In order to actually grow my hair out, EVEN WHEN ALREADY SUSPECTING I WAS TRANS, I had to have a “reason.” I had to give myself permission somehow, because doing it just because I might be trans and to see how it made me feel was unacceptable for some reason.
Maybe because this level of self-examination is really difficult? I don’t know. I try to be as kind to myself through all of this as I would be to anyone else, but it just took me SO LONG it really frustrates me.
Anyway, my “excuse” was that my grandfather was bald as a cue ball, and so what if that would happen to me too? And I’d never experienced what having long hair was like, so I’d best grow it out just in case, before I didn’t have the option.
Like, lady, listen. You were trying, but talk about some lame bullshit. But to all the people who knew me when it was growing out and I was presenting as male, and you asked about it getting longer… when I told you that about my grandfather, I wasn’t lying!
I really (partially) believed it at the time. I had to, or I’d have never been able to make that leap. And even still, the fear was so strong… this was as far as I got:
That was it. I… LIKED it, but liking it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE that I made up another excuse about how it wasn’t worth the extra time it took to shampoo/comb/etc. and then I buzzed it all back off again.
And it broke my heart. And that alone was so difficult to deal with. I’d done it to myself, sure, but the bigger issue was being so upset about it was a big indicator to me. And you might not think so, because of course men and non-binary people can have long hair too.
And my hair wasn’t even that long! I mean look at that photo, it was still pretty damned short. But it was enough of an indicator to me of where things were going, and the truth I’d buried, that it was hard to deal with.
It absolutely rocked my world, and the fallout from that took me a long time to get over. I don’t know how long it was before I decided to try growing it out again. It was a while. Might have even been a year or more.
But when I finally worked up the courage to give it another go, that’s basically when I knew. It was the first thing I did to begin transitioning, even though I still wasn’t 100% sure.
I mean in hindsight I WAS sure, I think, but I needed that safety net of saying I didn’t NEED to be sure yet, because I couldn’t do anything permanent until that certain far-off date anyway.
And I remember this one day I was at Costco standing in line for hot dogs (I am predictable, yes, but Costco hot dogs are also impossibly good). And this woman behind me asked about my hair.
At this point it wasn’t even long, per se, maybe just an inch more than in that photo above. But much to my surprise it was coming in… WAVY? What? Why? It’s a mystery. But the hair on the back of my head had this deep wave in it, and she loved it.
She wanted to know if I’d used some product to get that effect, or if it was natural. And uh… nope, it just came in like that? Even though it never used to? I have no explanation.
But the feeling her words gave me was something I’d never really experienced before. And that held true for all of growing it out… the first time it was long enough that I could feel it swaying on the back of my neck was just extraordinary.
The first tiny ponytail I could manage sent. me. to. the. MOON. Every new milestone in length was this burst of joy in my heart. Even now, I’m terrified to even trim it because it means so much to me. Which is weird, it’ll grow back, but feelings aren’t always logical.
I love having it down, but for sleep and exercise I am she of the big floofy high-pony, and I love watching it bounce and flop and sway when I turn my head. Why? I dunno. It’s a super visible sign, to me, that I’m a girl? Maybe?
And it’s so long that when I’m doing push ups, even pulled back in that high ponytail, it flips down over the top of my head and smacks me in the eyes. Which is super annoying and yet somehow also great at the same time.
It’s a little longer than this now, but this is basically what it looks like if I don’t put any product in it (I know the photo’s blurry, I’m sorry, but it’s the one that best shows how tight the curls are and it does not hurt my bicep is bitchin’).
It’s a frizzy mess, and tangles really easily, but I dig how tight the curls are. I didn’t think I would. I never imagined myself with hair like this because as a kid it was straight. I had no frame of reference, but I’ve come to kind of love it. Because it’s mine.
A buncha ladies gave me curly hair tips, but I haven’t really had a chance to try any of those things yet (cue me glaring at the entire world on fire). I hope to have the time soon, though. If you’d like to give me any tips of your own, I’d love to hear them.
Because I have no fuckin’ idea what to do. I have shampoo and conditioner meant for curly hair, which I think are working okay but I have nothing to compare it to so… dunno?
I also think I’d like to try having bangs, but I don’t know if that’d work with the kind of hair I have, or even look weird since it’s so curly. Though the curls seem to form well lower than where bangs would be, so maybe?
I found a trans-friendly hair stylist with her own salon nearby, but (again looks at the entire world on fire). I don’t know when or if she’ll be open again, so once enough people are vaccinated against covid we’ll have to see.
And quick aside, if that’s something you’ve never had to deal with, that’s every aspect of trans life. I can’t just find a hairstylist or salon that seems good, because they might be hostile to trans people and I do not need that in my life. No one does.
I pine for the day I can ask an experienced person if bangs would work on me, and if not, what the hell else I could possibly do with this hair. Because I have no idea.
In the meantime, I’m using Controlled Chaos curl creme, which relaxes the curls a bit but keeps them untangled and manages the frizz, and it smells nice. But it’s $30 for a kind of small tube, so I don’t use it more than a couple times a week.
I think it looks pretty nice with that stuff in it? Anyway I know it’s hard, but try not to be too afraid of digging deep within yourself. Because you maybe might love what you find, and that’s a good thing.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing how wanting, NEEDING to transition to our true selves can provide us with a seemingly infinite wellspring of incentive to accomplish things we never thought we could. We’re talking TRANS MOTIVATION.
Somewhat related to this is the trans tuesday on TRANS COURAGE, which isn’t something any of us should HAVE to have just to be our true selves, but the bottom line is our society doesn’t work that way.
And very very much related is the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING, though perhaps not in the way you think.
When I talked in the essay on body hacking about how exercise helped me get away from the “dad bod” that gave me dysphoria, and how it was an early and “socially acceptable” way for me to begin transition before I could medically or socially transition…
What I want you to understand is that prior to that, I’d tried for years and years and years to exercise regularly. And I’d always fail at keeping it up. And I know this happens to a whole lot of us, trans and cis alike. It can be tough to maintain.
And I’d get busy and feel I just didn’t have the time, or I’d be tired from *gestures vaguely at the entire world* and just not feel like I was up to it. And then what little shape I’d gotten back into I would fall out of.
So whenever I decided I needed to try to get back into it, I had to start all over again as I’d lost whatever small gains I’d achieved the last time I did it. It was a constant cycle of start, progress, stop, regress. Rinse and repeat.
But once I hit upon the idea of doing it to transition, as a key PART of my transition, I stuck with it in ways I never thought I could. I’m not saying I was perfect, none of us are and honestly perfection isn’t something we should even strive for.
Because if you’re trying to be perfect, inevitably you won’t be, and then you feel crushed and guess what, that can lead to stopping and regression. It’s much better to just strive for being good, and to be kind with yourself.
So some days, sure, I would sleep terribly and legit be too tired to exercise, or I’d have a really bad headache that a higher heart rate made worse, and so I’d skip those days. But each time I did, I reminded myself… that’s okay. You haven’t given up, progress won’t be lost.
You’ll get back at it tomorrow. And that’s exactly what I’d do. And on the days when I just really, really didn’t want to exercise for whatever reason, and it was hard to make myself do it… I reminded myself it wasn’t a chore, even if it felt like one.
Because I was doing it FOR ME. This is what I want, to change my body in ways I need, and over time it will get me closer to who I want to be, who I feel is really me. And I’d sigh and get up and exercise. And maybe I’d run slower that day, but I was out there running.
And now that I think about it, this motivation to transition to the real me spurred me in other ways. Again in that body hacking trans tuesday, when I talked about my women’s leggings and hoodie (that became my cape) and how terrified I was to buy them.
All my life I had this pull to walk through women’s clothing sections in stores, because even if I didn’t have the words for it I’ve always known I was trans, even if I couldn’t recognize the signs when they were staring me in the face.
I could never ever bring myself to walk through women’s clothing sections, much less actually look through what was in there, for my entire life. Until I got to the point where I realized I NEEDED to, to get closer to finally being the real me.
And I was still terrified, sure, but I did it anyway (there’s that trans courage again). Because I got to the point where the pain of NOT doing it was worse than the fear that had kept me from doing it for so long.
I noticed a while back the same thing happened for me with voice therapy. see the entire three-part series of trans tuesdays on TRANS VOICES, the first is here.
As I mentioned in those, gender-affirming voice therapy was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. It is SUCH a S L O W process, and it takes so much work, and for a lot of it, it also spiked my dysphoria to hear my own voice played back.
Here’s the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA if you need more info.
And every time I just didn’t feel like I had the energy for it because I was tired, or the time for it because my day was so busy, or the ability to deal with the dysphoria it caused, I reminded myself: I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
I am doing this because *I* want to, because *I* want the changes this can bring if I put in the work and don’t give up. Because *I* want it to help me find my real, true voice, as part of the transition to the real me I’ve always been inside.
And that kept me going through it all, through two years of sessions with my speech-language pathologist and the year of solo practice after… it’s kept me exercising regularly, four times a week on average, for going on nine years.
And I finally figured out just how MUCH this desire to transition, to be the most ME I can be, motivated me, when my HRT faltered. I talked a bit about the reason for this in the trans tuesday on TRANSITION SETBACKS.
The gist of it is that the estrogen I took was in the form of pills, but the pills suddenly stopped working for me (this just happens sometimes), causing all sorts of hormonal imbalance, backsliding my medical transition, and made me feel like I was losing myself mentally.
The correction for this was switching to injections, to get more estrogen back into my system and hopefully have my body react to it the way it should, to get back to the positive changes I wanted (and hopefully get even more of them).
And it’s definitely worked, I’ve NEVER felt better about myself, my transition, or my body than I do now. They’re working WONDERS for me (and have even kickstarted breast growth again, which is Very Exciting, Thank You).
You can see the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE for how it took me a THOUSAND days of medical transition to get to needing a B-cup bra, so the fact that they’re growing again is an absolute delight.
But that meant I had to learn how to give myself shots, so I could do it at home and administer it to myself. It’s not cost or time-feasible to go into a medical office to have them give me a shot every week, and that’s just not a thing they really do long-term.
My entire life, I was always in awe of everyone who had to administer medications to themselves via injection. I was sure that was never ever ever anything I’d be able to do, because needles and me don’t get along very well.
But as part of switching to injections, I went into the doctor’s office so they could instruct me on the proper way to do it. And the nurse sat me down and he explained the entire process, gave me tips, showed me exactly what to do.
And then he handed me the syringe and without even a second’s hesitation I jabbed it into my thigh, depressed the plunger, and then it was done and over. He was entirely shocked, and honestly so was I. He said he’d never seen anyone just immediately DO it like that.
I smiled (under my mask, natch) and without even thinking, told him, “I have a singular motivation.” And I do! Because I NEEDED estrogen back in my system, as much or stronger than it was before.
Because the nightmare I’d gone through without it was UNACCEPTABLE. It was slowly medically destransitioning me, and I absolutely COULD NOT, WOULD NOT EVER GO BACK to feeling that way again. It was so hard to deal with.
So when the alternative was losing my sense of self, my identity, MY body, MY bodily autonomy… there was no way I was going to let that happen. I couldn’t. It felt like someone saying, “inject yourself with this now, or else you’ll die.” So… I just did it.
And that’s the moment I realized just how MUCH I’ve done that I never, EVER thought I’d be able to do… all because I NEEDED to. See the trans tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo) for more on that, and how my body never felt like it was actually MINE until I began transition.
Okay, so I give myself estrogen injections now, but that doesn’t mean I always do it perfect. Sometimes I still hesitate out of fear and don’t get the needle in as far as I should, and some of the estrogen leaks out after.
And I HATE that, and definitely feel it when I don’t get the full dose. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head about it and it takes me fifteen minutes to finally do it. BUT I DO IT. And honestly i never thought I could even be at this point.
I did all of these things because I HAD to. No other choice. I had a singular motivation… to be ME and never go back.
Never underestimate what you’re capable of, friends.
Find YOUR right motivation and you can achieve wonders.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is important, is vital to trans people being seen and treated equally by society, and it’s as important for trans people to understand as it is cis people. Time to root out the darkness within as we combat INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.
So this is kind of tough to talk about, and involves discussing ways we may not be kind to ourselves, or others, even if unintentionally. Please read the whole thing before getting angry about one part without the full context. This is important and we need to talk about it.
This topic is similar, though distinct, from the previous Trans Tuesday where we talked about IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA. You don’t HAVE to read that one first, but it certainly couldn’t hurt.
Internalized transphobia is similar to implicit transphobia. The key distinction, to me, is that implicit biases are toward every marginalized group, but *internalized* biases are toward marginalized groups that we ourselves are part of.
You know transphobia is the hatred of, fear of, discrimination toward trans people. Internalized or implicit transphobia is that exact same thing, but it’s the kind we each have inside of us (yes, ALL of us have it) that we may not be consciously aware of.
And we all have these subconscious biases toward every marginalized community, because that’s how our society works. I’m talking about internalized transphobia only for obvious reasons, but it’s there for every group that faces a vector of marginalization.
And that means this is related to TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY, so see the Trans Tuesday on that if you need more understanding on how we MUST fight every vector of discrimination at once if we ever hope to defeat it (and every marginalized community NEEDS us to).
Because we live within a society run by cisgender, heterosexual white men who established it with themselves at the top of the social hierarchy, simply existing within that system worms their biases into all of us.
My favorite way to illustrate this is to ask you to close your eyes and imagine a doctor. Okay, so… was that doctor an non-disabled cisgender white man? For a vast number of you, the answer is going to be yes.
Why didn’t you picture a woman? Or a Black person? Or a trans person? Or a disabled person? You didn’t consciously choose NOT to think of those people, your brain just excluded them on its own. Why? IMPLICIT BIAS.
Our society tells us those are the people most likely to be doctors, so that’s what we imagine without being consciously aware of it. And our society tells us that because those able-bodied cishet white men are the ones who set it up that way.
So INTERNALIZED BIASES come into play when you imagined that doctor and excluded your own identity from it. I still struggle with this. When I picture a doctor they’re often Black, or a woman, or even in a wheelchair, yes. But they’re almost never trans.
And I would never consciously CHOOSE to exclude trans people from being doctors! But my brain does it anyway, and while it sucks, NOTICING THAT YOU DO THIS IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL. Because you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.
So we HAVE to do the work to find these implicit biases and work to root them out, we owe it to all our fellow humans. Here’s the best example of my own internalized transphobia that I can give you, and I’ve used it before.
Once I was finally publicly out as trans, I hesitated to call myself a lesbian, despite the fact that I’m exclusively attracted to women (and non-binary folks). I talked a bit about this in the Trans Tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.
I don’t consciously hate trans people. In fact I consciously LOVE us. We’re amazing and insightful and free and amazing in all the best ways. And I did, and do, push back against ANYONE who says trans women can’t be lesbians. They absolutely CAN be. Many are.
But when applying that to myself? God, I just couldn’t do it and I didn’t know why. I felt like I wasn’t allowed, or couldn’t, or shouldn’t. But then I realized the only people who shared that view… were bigoted TE*Fs.
If you missed the Trans Tuesday on T*RFs or aren’t familiar with the term, you may want to check that out. Spoiler: they’re awful!
And so that gave me pause. They hate trans people, and I don’t. So why the hell would my thoughts, directed at myself, line up with theirs? That’s horrible!
What I realized is that society tells us lesbians are cis women… who are often just fetishized/sexualized by cis men. Which is something we trans women actually share with every cis lesbian. See the Trans Tuesday on the FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.
Because I was raised in this society, its unwritten, bigoted “rules” get imprinted on me. Not even necessarily on purpose (though some parents sadly do raise their children to hate), but because I just existed within it.
The vast majority of our media, our stories, our culture, has these same biases, and so by experiencing all of that for our entire lives, we absorb it without realizing it. And while overcoming that to stand up for the rights of other trans women was easy…
…when applied to myself it was so, so much harder to realize, much less overcome. I AM a woman, I AM attracted to women, thus I AM a lesbian. Because trans is just another kind of woman you can be.
Disabled women can be lesbians. Black women can be lesbians. Senior women can be lesbians. ANY kind of woman can be a lesbian, and trans is just one kind of woman. Therefore, yes, I’m a lesbian. A trans lesbian. A transbian, if you will (there are actually a lot of us).
I also had the same issue with calling myself a “mom” for a long time, because what does society tell you moms are? People who give birth to children. And I didn’t do that, and our kid HAD a mom in Susan, so how could *I* possibly be a mom?
But of course people can adopt kids and be a mom, or use surrogates or egg donors. And I’d never say those women WEREN’T mothers. But when it came to me… it’s calling myself a “lesbian” all over again. There’s a whole lot more about being a trans parent coming next week.
For cis people, combating your implicit transphobia means examining where your implicit biases against us lie, and working to change them. You must see us as women, men, and non-binary people who are entirely equal to cis folks.
You have to start seeing us as doctors, librarians, astronauts, truck drivers, retail clerks, baristas, lawyers, firefighters, writers, actors, musicians, artists, and everything else under the sun. You have to fight the stereotypes you find yourself leaning toward.
Here’s a good thought experiment, cis friends. Would you go to a trans rally and march with us? (we continually ask, but few ever do). Further… would you, in your everyday life, wear a pin or shirt or carry a bag etc. with the trans pride flag on it to show your support for us?
Does that scare you? Does it make you worry that people who saw you might think YOU were trans, and that thought terrifies or repulses or angers you? That’s some transphobia, friends.
But for trans people, as it’s internalized and about ourselves, it’s much more insidious and can be lurking in all kinds of ways. Here’s some possibilities I just want you to think about, and if you find some that apply to you, try to figure out WHY that is.
Do you feel you’re different from other trans people, or like you don’t belong or aren’t part of the community, or aren’t trans enough? See the Trans Tuesday on THIS IS NOT FOR YOU (Trans Day of Visibility and yes you are trans enough) to help combat this.
Are you ashamed to be trans, or does it make you feel like there’s something wrong with you, and like you shouldn’t be this way and you just want to be “normal”? Do you resent being trans, or feel like it’s some kind of punishment?
Do you wish you weren’t trans? Are you embarrassed to say you’re trans? Would you be embarrassed to be recognized as trans?
Do you feel like (outside of safety reasons) you HAVE to pass as cis to be accepted? Do you feel like you have to conform to gender stereotypes if you want to be accepted? Do you feel like you can’t (or don’t want to) “look trans,” for whatever that means to you?
This isn’t all the different ways a trans person might have internalized transphobia, but these are some big ones. And look, there are all kinds of different reasons someone may feel that way, and I’m gonna be honest, I had to deal with some of those myself.
For a long time before I accepted my transness, I would think (and sometimes even say!) things like “if I could look like that (cis) woman, I’d transition right now.” Ha ha, just kidding.
Uh, hey eggs? Cis guys don’t say that. Okay, good talk.
But feeling like you can’t transition unless you can appear cis and no one would ever know is one hundred percent internalized transphobia. Society has told you men and women look EXACTLY one way, and we all know cis folks who don’t conform to that are punished for it.
A trans person appearing to be cis is “passing,” and a trans person who passes and lives without telling anyone they’re trans is “stealth.” There’s a Trans Tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING if you’d like more info.
The bottom line is that passing is a complicated and complex issue, and we should not judge those that do (or want to) pass, OR judge those who don’t (or don’t want to) pass.
In short and always applicable: less judging, more understanding and compassion.
Some people may feel they can’t “look trans,” for example, for safety reasons. AND THAT IS ALSO TOTALLY VALID, because our society is violently anti-trans. But I want you to realize that even though it’s valid to feel like you can’t “look trans” in order to be safer…
That’s STILL internalized transphobia, because society has told you “looking like you’re trans” makes you a target, and now it’s in your head and you believe looking like what you are is bad or dangerous. And if that’s not transphobia, what the hell is?
For more on internalized transphobia, see my threads on THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS as it’s one of the key themes the movie tackles.
What it all boils down to is that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING TRANS IN ANY WAY, which I feel like everyone reading this far already knows and accepts on a conscious level. But our society spends a lot of time, money, and effort to make us think the opposite subconsciously.
We HAVE to do the work to root out implicit biases, because everyone deserves better.
And we HAVE to do the work to root out our internalized biases, because WE deserve better, too.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something you’re perfectly aware of, because you are a human who was a child that grew up in this society. And if you’ve ever set foot in a clothing or toy store, it couldn’t be more obvious: GENDERED CHILDHOODS.
I am, of course, talking about the ways in which kids, both now and when we were kids ourselves, have every single facet of our society shouting at us that YOU ARE A BOY or YOU ARE A GIRL and BOYS DO X and GIRLS DO Y.
And you’re more aware of it than you know. The most obvious that still affects us as adults, are gendered bathrooms. Girls go here, and boys go there. You DO NOT CROSS THE LINE into the bathroom you’re not allowed in. It’s one of the first things you learn.
I remember once in grade school I was walking back from the bathroom, and I was the only one in the hall, and I’d brought one of those small rubber ultra bouncy-balls to play with at recess. And I was bouncing it in the hall as I went back to class.
And you see where this is going, right? It bounced into the girls’ bathroom and I FROZE. I was TERRIFIED. What do I do?! There aren’t any girls around that I could ask to go get it for me. And I couldn’t find a teacher and ask because then I’d get in trouble for bouncing the ball in the hallway!
Eventually I sprinted in, found the ball, and sprinted back out. And I remember feeling… terrified I’d be punished, but also some weird thrill because I always wanted to know what it looked like (also because, spoiler, I was always a girl and that’s where I should have been going).
I can’t tell you how old I was at the time, I suspect pretty young, but I don’t know. I have no other memories surrounding that moment, for reasons I talked about in the trans tuesdays on TRANS GRIEF (dissociation from dysphoria has made most of my pre-transition life a blank).
Anyway, I don’t know what would have happened if I’d been caught, but in my overly active imagination writer mind, I was sure I’d be expelled and grounded until I was 20. Of course that’s not what would have happened, BUT-
My imagination didn’t come up with that out of nowhere. It was seeded by how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT it was made to me that you ONLY used the bathroom you were told to. Were SUPPOSED TO. Go in the BOYS BATHROOM, you BOY. It was very confusing.
And everyone reading this knows of the “blue is for boys, pink is for girls” nonsense our society flings around. It’s nonsense, and is of course part of THE FALSE DICHOTOMY (see its trans tuesday for more info).
“…a June 1918 article from the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department said, ‘The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls.’
‘The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.’”
The article also says kids of all genders used to wear white dresses until they were 6 or 7, but it calls seeing a boy in one of them “unsettling.” THAT ARTICLE IS FROM 2011, good lord. Who am I kidding, it could have been written today and someone might’ve said the same.
Anyway, not being allowed to like pink ALSO very much contributed to my own gender dysphoria, and was part of why I felt so broken. It’s the societal false dichotomy that’s broken, not trans people, but you certainly feel like the problem must be YOU, because society says so.
I discussed not being ALLOWED to like pink (a color! My mother wouldn’t let me like a COLOR!) when I was a kid, because it was for girls only, in the trans tuesday on UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION… like getting to embrace the color you always loved but weren’t allowed to like.
Now think about toy stores (well, most don’t exist anymore, sadly) or toy sections in department stores like Target. You can INSTANTLY tell how horrifically gendered everything is, right?
The “boy section” has cars and action figures and black and blue and chrome, and the “girl section” is searing neon pink and dolls and dolls and more dolls. And why is it girls get dolls and boys don’t?
Because having a DOLL ostensibly teaches a GIRL how to BE A MOTHER and honestly how is our entire society not fed up with the level of sexism that permeates all of it? I don’t even know where we begin to change it, but that can’t happen until everyone SEES it.
And I know this crap affects cis people too, because even as a kid I knew cis girls who didn’t want to play with dolls or Barbies, or wear dresses. They got called “tomboys” because wanting to be like a boy was admirable and understandable! Who wouldn’t?
But a boy who didn’t want to play with cars or army men, and maybe wanted to wear dresses, got called a fairy and another much more hurtful f-word that you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to repeat here. Because wanting to be like a girl was SHAMEFUL and WRONG.
And if you think that doesn’t all compound upon a young trans girl who feels broken that the world is telling her she’s every single thing that she’s not and contributes to gender dysphoria in a massive way, I think you haven’t been paying attention.
But I actually DID want to play with cars and action figures, but I also wanted to play with Barbies and wear dresses and hang out with girls (much much more than boys) and I can feel, even now, deep in my heart…
My chest is tight remembering how broken and alone it made me feel, every damned day of my life. But this isn’t just about me, or about trans girls, or about trans kids of any gender. It’s about ALL kids.
There is NOTHING WRONG with a cis girl who wants to play with cars and action figures and get dirty, and there is NOTHING WRONG with a cis boy who wants to wear dresses and play with dolls and Barbies and have a tea party.
Yet our society, in general, balks at the idea. Even the more accepted tomboy is treated like a “phase” they’ll grow out of, and not them exploring who they really are. Ah, but now we’re getting to the crux of it, aren’t we?
Our society is INCREDIBLY cisgender heterosexual normative. Conservatives will rail and cry and scream about one gay kiss, never mind there are hetero kisses (and often a lot more sexual content) in all of our media everywhere.
And it’s PUSHED on kids, and if you don’t believe me you clearly don’t know many queer people. A perfect example is Hallmark Christmas movies. It doesn’t matter what you think of them or if you don’t watch them, they’re a big thing during the holidays, right?
Since 2001 Hallmark has made ALMOST 300 CHRISTMAS ROMANCE MOVIES.
The first one to star two women, and have a lesbian kiss, WAS RELEASED IN DECEMBER OF 2023. We watched it! It’s called A Friends and Family Christmas.
It was schmaltzy and saccharine like every other Hallmark Christmas movie, and QUEER PEOPLE DESERVE THOSE TOO.
And before you say “well those aren’t for kids,” let me remind you they are… rated G. Like Disney animated movies. Like all content aimed at kids. Hell, Disney has been making animated movies for kids since Snow White in 1937. How many starred a queer character?
They’re starting to slowly hint at our existence, some 75 YEARS later. Strange World had a gay boy as a main character, and that came out… in 2022. Did he get to kiss his crush, though? You know he didn’t.
HOW MANY DISNEY MOVIES HAVE YOU SEEN WHERE A CIS GUY AND A CIS GAL SMOOCH? Is it all of them??! The Little Mermaid marries Ariel off AT SIXTEEN YEARS OLD AKUGASKGSJKGJHKAGL
But they can’t show gay or lesbian or bi or ace or nonbinary or trans characters, because then kids might think they could be that too! They can’t let boys and girls not conform to gender every second of their lives or they might find out they’re not cisgender heterosexual. It’s UNNATURAL!
My dudes, if you have to force gendering on kids’ bathrooms, clothes, toys, media, behaviors, mannerisms, and preferences JUST to “maintain” cisgender heterosexuality… WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU ABOUT CISGENDER HETEROSEXUALITY?!
Nothing that was the ONLY “real” way to be would need every single facet of society to brainwash kids into thinking that’s all they CAN be. If a cis girl or boy wants to play with things you THINK “should” be for their gender, great! Let them.
And if they want to play with things you think “shouldn’t” be for their gender… GREAT. LET THEM. Kids NEED to explore, to imagine, to discover. The whole point of childhood is to learn, we spend the entire time figuring out who we are. (also get over yourself plz)
When you force a kid into clothes they don’t want, colors they don’t want, toys they don’t want, sports or activities or anything that’s not what THEY want, you are harming them. Trans and cis alike. You’re messing them up in untold ways.
And this isn’t about making them eat a vegetable once in a while, or clean up their room. Don’t get it twisted. You KNOW I’m not saying to cave to a kid’s every whim. There’s a difference, and it’s easily definable, and to say otherwise is disingenuous.
If you’re in any way restricting a kid from exploring something just because it makes YOU uncomfortable, you’re failing at being a parent. You’re supposed to support THEM in what THEY want, not what you want.
I’ve shared things I love with our kid, hoping he’d love them too. Some he does! Some he doesn’t. AND THAT IS OKAY. I’m not going to force him to pretend to like something he doesn’t, or pretend to be someone he’s not. Why on earth would I? Why would anyone?
You help kids be who THEY are, not who YOU want them to be. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s about their happiness, and security, and ability to know and love all the wild, wonderful, different ways a human can be.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something you might not have ever thought about in this exact way. I know I certainly hadn’t. What are we talking about? UNDERWEAR. But honestly, really and truly, what we’re talking about is TRANS FREEDOM.
There are some prerequisites for this topic! I mean you don’t HAVE to read these others first, I can’t FORCE you. I’m not the boss of you. All I’m saying is they’d help. A lot. So definitely check out the Trans Tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.
But also pretty vital to what I’ll be discussing, and something nearly every trans person has to deal with at some point, is the Trans Tuesday on TUCKING AND BINDING.
I’m sure you’re already familiar with the ways underwear is SO incredibly gendered in our society. You really can’t exist in our society without being aware of it, which is kind of odd when you think about it for two seconds.
But also I want to remind you that for me, as a trans woman, I could not so much as think about stepping outside without having to pause and think about my underwear and my junk. Which underwear am I wearing? Am I tucked? Will I get assaulted if not?
Having to stop and think about your undies before going anywhere or doing anything outside your home is a very real thing trans people have to deal with, especially trans women. And if you’re cis, I want you to stop and think for a moment how entirely WEIRD that would be for you.
Tucking was extraordinarily uncomfortable for me for a long time. Physically, I mean, not emotionally (though it definitely is that too, for a lot of trans women). And it was a reminder, every second I was out, that I was trans and had to literally hide part of myself for safety.
I couldn’t ever not feel it, right? Especially when walking, or sitting down, or… well, existing. And that’s a really awful thing to have an actual constant reminder of. Nobody walks around thinking about their genitals every second! But it’s a thing lots of trans women are forced into.
Before we talk more about genitals and underwear, which I know you’re all so excited to read more about, I want to take a small diversion to roughly touch on other ways trans people have our freedoms restricted.
The big one for most of us is GENDER DYSPHORIA, which is oppressive and painful and, for some, completely debilitating. It prevents you from living your life and can make every waking moment a living hell. See the Trans Tuesday on it for more info.
And if you’re cis, you may not understand how that restricts your FREEDOM, so for comparison please see the Trans Tuesday on INTO THE UNKNOWN aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD aka WHAT IS HAPPENING, when I got to experience the world for the first time WITHOUT dysphoria.
And see the Trans Tuesday on FREEING UP MY BRAIN aka LUNCH WITH TILLY for more on how the lack of (or lessening of) dysphoria finally FREED ME UP to experience so much of what I’d been missing.
That’s a lot, I know, but I think you need it. Because what you’ll see in those is how restrictive life with dysphoria is, and all the tangible ways my life improved when my freedom increased due to my dysphoria finally dissipating.
“Oh my god, Tilly, that’s so many past Trans Tuesdays. Are you going to link them ALL?” Okay, listen. LISTEN.
L I S T E N.
I’m trying to show you how INCREDIBLY restrictive our society makes existing as a trans person. I want you to REALLY, REALLY GET IT.
Every day, everywhere we go, everyplace we are, we are constantly caged and locked down by dysphoria and society in so many different ways. Being trans shouldn’t be hard! IT’S ONLY DIFFICULT BECAUSE SOCIETY MAKES IT THAT WAY.
So how the ever-lovin’ heck does this relate to underpants? Okay, let’s bring it back around. Did you notice I’ve been talking about things in the past tense? Good eye! Something’s changed.
If one of the ways I’m restricted is that I always have to think about my junk and my undies, FREEDOM comes into play if and when I no longer have to do that.
I mentioned in the TUCKING/BINDING thread that I’d found Tuck Buddies on Etsy. They make undies for trans women to assist with tucking, and they worked okay. They helped. But I was still tucking.
I didn’t wear them all the time, just when going out. And as I mentioned in the Trans Tuesday on CLOTHES, I already had non-tuck-specific women’s underwear that I wore all the rest of the time. But I’d have to stop and think about which I had on before going out.
Even still, I couldn’t wear my women’s undies or the Tuck Buddies on my runs, which are very much still about maintaining the body I want to have AS PART OF MY TRANSITION, as I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING.
So on my runs, I’d have to wear my old boy undies, under either running tights or biking shorts, with another pair of loose shorts over them to hide everything. And let me tell you, EVERY DAY, having to put boy underwear back on DESTROYED me. Made me feel like absolute trash. Dysphoria everywhere.
And while some trans women tuck for their own benefit, some of us, myself included, do it ONLY so CIS PEOPLE will not harass or assault us. Even still, we get STARED at, and it sucks, and yeah there’s a Trans Tuesday on that too. (don’t do it! It’s bad!)
A while back a few trans lady friends told me about Leo Lines, also a company on Etsy making undies and swimsuits for trans women. These ladies felt they worked a bit better, and though expensive, I gave them a try.
So I got a pair, and the first time I put them on… I could tell they were different. They don’t work for everyone the same, it’s going to depend on the cut you get and your anatomy. But for me? They are M A G I C.
I NO LONGER HAVE TO TUCK! EVER! Mind you I have to, uh, situate things differently than I used to, but it’s not remotely a tuck. I just pull them up and… that’s it.
THAT
IS
IT.
I don’t have to tuck. I don’t have to feel uncomfortable and be thinking about my crotch every second of the day I’m out of our apartment. I don’t have to stop and think about my underwear before leaving to go anywhere!
WHAT KIND OF A SENTENCE EVEN IS THAT? “I don’t have to stop to think about my underwear.” Goodness. Nobody should ever have to do that, yet here we are. And I don’t have to do it anymore! I am FREE.
I immediately ordered several more pairs, and now they’re ALL I wear. And I got to thinking… what if… what if I tried them on my runs? I can’t run while tucked, but I’m NOT tucked, so… it should be doable? Right?
Let’s give it a go.
Readers. Friends. Loved ones. I am here to tell you I CAN EVEN WEAR THEM WHEN RUNNING. I DON’T NEED TO HAVE BIKE SHORTS OR RUNNING TIGHTS OVER THEM!
In the summer, when it’s 85 and above when I’m running, having undies and then spandex bike shorts to tamp things down, and THEN running shorts on top of it was oppressively hot. It was miserable. But I had no choice.
And now… I do. I HAVE OPTIONS. I HAVE
FREEDOM.
I can just wake up in the morning, NOT EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE MY UNDIES MUCH LESS PUT BOY UNDIES ON, pull on my running shorts and sports bra and tank top… and go.
F R E E D O M.
Even this little bit has helped so much. It has FURTHER freed up my brain from having to worry about if I’m tucked “good enough” to be safe, if I have the right underwear on, if I’m going to be miserably uncomfortable all day.
It’s freed me from having to keep, and wear, the very last vestiges of the clothes I was forced into for my entire life. Clothes that made me feel miserable. Clothes that made me feel like I was drowning again. Even if they were under all women’s running clothes.
THEY. ARE. GONE. They weigh me down no longer. And I was so happy to finally be rid of them I took a photo of them in the trash to cherish forever.
A pile of men’s boxer briefs in a trash can.
When the society that we live in restricts trans rights at every turn, when we have to check the bathroom situation of every new place we go to, when we have to worry that every stranger might misgender us or worse…
The smallest things get magnified in importance.
Because they let us say, even if just in one small way, you cannot stop me.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’ve put this one off for actual years because I just didn’t feel able to discuss it. But now I do! Maybe? I dunno, let’s find out together as we talk FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE.
For trans people who transition as adults, figuring out our style is something of a giant puzzle. Well, I presume there are some lucky trans folks who thought their style would be X, they transitioned and tried on X and it was perfect magic happy land.
But it certainly wasn’t that way for me. And I imagine trans kids in welcoming environments who can socially transition at home go through something similar (though depending on how early they know, they may luckily spend most of their lives without this issue).
Every person goes through different phases or eras of style in their life. Our thoughts and opinions and tastes change throughout our lives, so changing the way you want to present yourself and your hair, clothes, shoes, and more are constantly evolving. Makes sense.
But for some of us trans folks who transition as adults, we’re basically starting from scratch. Getting to choose the clothes I actually WANTED for the first time in my life was overwhelming, especially transitioning from traditionally male-flavored clothing to traditionally female-flavored.
The options were just unending. And while women’s clothing has a whole HOST of issues, variety and choice isn’t one of them. But it definitely is for men’s clothing, and if you’d like more info on that see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHING AND TRANS PEOPLE.
So before I began my social transition (which I knew was coming at a certain date, which I’ve talked about before), I spent hours, DAYS probably just browsing women’s clothes online. Trying to find out what I’d want to wear, what was or wasn’t available in my sizes, and so on.
And when I started buying them, I was just throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick. I mean there was stuff I knew I had absolutely no interest in wearing, but there was a lot of stuff I just wasn’t sure about, or was intrigued by. But I had no frame of reference.
So I just got the stuff I liked and hoped all would be well.
All was not well!
I mean it was nothing catastrophic, but I had no idea how difficult it would be.
And one of the big reasons was that I was (still!) having difficulty separating clothes I thought women looked great in from clothes *I* would look great in, or that I WANTED to wear. Which is absolutely 100% part of the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.
You can see right in there that I thought my remarkable affinity for bows was in seeing them on women. Which it is! But also a VERY deep part of that was my own subconscious desires to be the one wearing them.
And also, okay look, women’s clothes are designed with cis women in mind. I think I talked about this a bit back in the trans tuesday on clothes, but I had to buy extra big women’s jeans so that there was, uh, enough room in the crotch for equipment cis ladies don’t have.
Over time and as HRT changed things and my tucking shifted, I was able to size them down to what’s actually appropriate for my waist. If you need a refresher on HRT.
And you can see me talking about the way tucking changed for me in the trans tuesday on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).
But for a long time I… just didn’t have any hips. I have some small ones now, which I talked a bit about in my THREE YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.
But I still don’t really have much of a butt. So my jeans are often a little baggy back there. And skirts! Okay so I got skirts I really like but gueesssssss what? Many cuts and styles are MADE FOR CIS WOMEN WHO HAVE HIPS.
And so, without much in the way of hips to speak of, they looked TERRIBLE on me. They accentuated just how little-to-no hips I had.
But then I learned about A-line skirts and swing dresses, and to the ladies out there (trans or cis) without much in the way of hips, those are built to flare out at the waist and so they make it look like you DO have hips! That was a game-changer.
So I’m going through all these clothes I had, trying to figure out what I liked for ME and not just seeing other women in, and what also looked GOOD on me with my body type and shape. And THEN I had to figure out what style of THOSE things I liked.
There’s a running gag among some folks about how trans women (especially those who are newly out) have ZERO fashion sense or style, but like… THIS IS WHY. We have to figure it all out, and cis women get their whole lives to do that! Give us a break, dang it.
And as I’ve also mentioned many times, I didn’t get to be a little girl, or a teen girl, or even a young adult woman. Does a trans woman’s style go through those phases as we experience all we missed out on? I don’t know! Maybe. This stuff is all complicated to figure out.
And do you know what all of that takes? TIME and MONEY. I’m super busy and I’m not rich, but I still have a lot more than a LOT of trans people. Which is a PRIVILEGE that I talked about in the trans tuesday on that very topic.
I was trying to think of the best way to show you my style evolution over time, and I think one of the best ways is with my glasses. And the easiest spot to show you is in my transition timeline photo I posted with the aforementioned three years out and on HRT retrospective.
My pre-transition through 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023 transition timeline photo
In the pre-transition photo, those are the kind of incredibly understated and bland glasses I had my whole life up until I began my social transition. They track completely with the clothes I was wearing then… mostly utilitarian stuff that was baggy and hid my body.
Anything that would NOT draw attention to myself, anyway, because that was the last thing I wanted. I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.
The glasses in my “day one” and one year/2021 timeline pics are the same… a kind of colorful floral print, but the shape is still very gender-neutral (it’s ASININE that even GLASSES are gendered in our society, but the fact of the matter is they very much are).
And so were my clothes at the time. I mean I had women’s clothes, but a lot of them were less overtly feminine. Or were feminine in subtle ways, or even gender-neutral stuff I just didn’t have the courage to wear before transition.
I had a second set at this time, a subtle cat-eye purple wire frame pair. I ended up not liking the metal, but also they felt… bolder, and so I wore them much less often. I wasn’t yet ready for the extra attention I worried they’d bring. They show up in very few of my selfies.
Me in a pair of metallic purple cat-eye glasses.
At the two year/2022 pic, you can see I’d upgraded to brighter cat-eye glasses (and also have a more feminine top on). At that time I also had a pair of blue and white cat-eye glasses, which you can see here.
My glasses in this photo are larger (than when I began transition, anyway) and have a subtle cat-eye shape, and are a dark blue with white specks.
At my last eye exam my prescription changed, which of course meant it was time for new glasses. And I’d discovered my previous pairs were, SOMEHOW, much more subtle than I wanted. I wanted ones that were BRIGHT, that were FUN, that SCREAMED “TILLY!” to the world.
And so you see my very large iridescent white cat-eye glasses in the 2023 timeline photo, and of course the pair I have that always gets the most comments from everyone in person and in every selfie they appear in… my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.
Me wearing my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.
And that has ONE HUNDO PERCENT been my entire style evolution over time. It’s gotten brighter, more feminine, more form-fitting, but also sometimes it’s sporty (again, like the top I’m wearing in the last photo in the transition timeline).
But I wanted that top to be just a tiiiiitch more feminine, which the lace from my bra peeking out accomplished nicely! It’s all a game of adjustments.
Some of my difficulty was in figuring out if I wanted to be girly or badass, feminine or sporty. And long-time readers? I know you’ve already spotted what happened to me, haven’t you?
Because what I discovered in trying to unravel all of this was that, despite being fully aware of its existence, THE FALSE DICHOTOMY had again ensnared me. See the trans tuesday on it for more info.
Of COURSE I don’t have to be girly OR badass, I don’t have to be feminine OR sporty. I can be ALL OF IT ANY TIME I WANT. Which means I can have these very attention-getting girly boots…
Me wearing a pair of white platform boots that have four buckles up the front, and the center of each buckle is an iridescent metal heart.
But I can ALSO have these boots that are great for kicking someone’s ass in a sci-fi movie!
Me in a pair of chunky black motorcycle boots with four side buckles that truly look like something out of a sci-fi film
And sometimes I can be girly and feminine and badass and sporty all at once!
A shot of my hand showing off bright iridescent nail polish, but also on my hand is a fighting glove, which leads to a bright pink sleeve cuff from my workout top. In the background you can see the bottom of my running shorts over my running tights, and my foot in a running shoe on the pavement.
I know I say this a lot so it’s like a mantra, but maybe it actually should be. There’s no one right way to be trans. There’s no one right way to socially transition. There’s no one right way to medically transition.
There’s no one right way to be a woman, or a man, or nonbinary. There’s no one right way to dress! Your style can literally be ANYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE.
Don’t let society force you into wearing stuff you don’t want to. And it’s okay to figure it out as you go.
As long as you get to where YOU want to be at the end.
ps – why on earth was it so hard for me to realize my clothes could be girly, sporty, badass, and feminine all at once because THAT IS WHAT MY TATTOO IS augh Tilly, come on girl.
My right arm showing my sleeve tattoo: an aged banner with the words LADY VICTORY on it in a kind of scripty font, surrounded by a skull with a pink bow, five pink stars, and many sharp, curving lines.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today I want to talk about something that’s been difficult for me to put a name to. I think I’m going to go with: NO ESCAPE. Here’s a reminder that these are only my personal experiences and I do not speak for all trans people.
Every trans person is unique, every transition is unique, and you’re getting my perspective only. Also I want to clarify, I in no way mean I don’t want to be transgender. I love who I am, more than I ever have (this is why it was so hard to title this post).
What I mean is there is no escape for me of reminders that I’m transgender. There’s so much more to me than just my transness. It’s one (very big and important) part of who I am, but it’s not all there is. I’m a writer, a wife, a parent, a nerd, a gamer, a runner, and on and on.
An example of this is how I simply cannot escape my deadname. If you need a reminder (or don’t yet know) what that means, it was included as part of the trans tuesday on NAMES AND PRONOUNS.
I’m not talking about people calling me by my deadname necessarily (though, hey, please never do that), but the name itself I cannot escape, and probably never will. Like, y’know, how the medication I take is prescribed to me under my deadname.
I haven’t been able to legally change my name yet for global pandemic reasons, and so prescriptions come with my deadname on them, and I see that name on the label every single time I have to take something.
Taking the hormones prescribed to me for HRT isn’t, weirdly, a reminder I’m trans. My brain has relegated it to just another medication I have to take. But seeing my deadname on the label is a big blinking neon sign that says HEY YOU’RE A TRANSGENDER LADY.
Now I’ve had my first covid vaccine shot (team Moderna!), so in May I can start the process to legally change my name and then that will alleviate the problem with the prescription labels, right? Yes.
But that’s far from the only source of this particular annoyance. I get junk mail and spam calls for my deadname, and probably always will. It’s not like I can tell the telemarketers to change my name on all their records.
What’s worse is part of it is almost self-inflicted. I’ve been using email so long, and while yes I have a new email for my new, real name… I have over a decade of saved emails in my old account. Forwarding all of those over is something I don’t have time for.
And even if I did, whenever I might need to refer to one again, there’s the old email address with my deadname in the “to” field and there’s the person who sent the email addressing me by my deadname. There’s literally nothing that can be done about that.
Even after my name is legally changed and we’re ten years down the line, it’s going to be there to remind me. Worse, if you knew me before I came out, you are likely aware my deadname was exactly the same as a very famous actor.
Any time he’s in the news, guess what? So’s my deadname. Anytime he makes a new movie, or I watch one of his old movies… there’s my deadname again. It will chase me for the rest of my life, and there’s no escaping it.
I don’t like it, I didn’t like being called it, I’d HATE being called that now (just don’t!), but it’s actually almost worse how every time it also brings along with it a HEY YOU’RE A TRANSGENDER LADY blaring on a bullhorn.
And of course I’m reminded every time Republicans want to legislate us out of existence, and every time I have to wonder if it’s safe for me to use the women’s bathroom when I’m out in the world. I can’t just EXIST for even a day without constant reminders of my transness.
There’s something you can do about this, though, and I’m going to explain with a dream I had last night. It probably seems unbelievable this happened the night before I made this thread, but I spend all week thinking about what I’m going to write.
So my brain’s turning it all over for days, so I guess last night my subconscious decided to put on a show for today’s post. I didn’t even think it was related at first, but now I’m pretty sure it is.
I couldn’t tell you where I was, it was one of those everywhere-yet-nowhere spaces that only exist in dreams. But I had water splashes all over my body. Not water droplets, but the splashes. Like you know when a water droplet hits something and then splashes upward?
That. But all over, and they were frozen in time. Not icy, just stopped. All of them, right as they splashed, so it almost looked like they were emanating outward from my skin. I don’t know how or why, but those later turned to weird leaf-like plants in the same shape.
I couldn’t get rid of them, and they made me feel terrible. But then Susan and all my friends were there (not gonna list you all, trust if we’re friends I’m pretty sure I saw you there), and each one of them pulled one of the leaf-things off my body.
And finally they were all gone, and I was just myself. I was baffled by this at first, but here’s my interpretation and how it relates to this post… I think this dream was about my dysphoria, that much at least seems clear.
It manifested in the dream as these splashes/leaf-things, weird stuff growing out of my body that made me feel terrible because they weren’t ME. I think they were probably a stand-in for the facial/body hair that so plagues me.
But all of you who care about me were there to help me get through that dysphoria so I could just be myself. I said there was something you could do about this though, and that’s where we tie in.
You start by striving to NOT be the cause of the splashes/leaf-things, and by seeing me and affirming me as who I am. A perfect example of this ties back into my first vaccine shot last week (go Moderna, go Moderna, go! GET VACCINATED YOU DOLTS), and is a lovely note to end on.
We have Kaiser as our health insurance/provider. Quick aside, it’s super great that they’re both because everything is in network and there’s never any unknown costs or hidden surprises! It’s almost like proto universal healthcare, even though we pay for it. Anyway!
We received our shots through them at a very organized facility that got us in and out in no time at all. We had to fill out a short form first with our account numbers and if we were possibly allergic to any of the ingredients in the vaccine, etc.
Well hey, as mentioned earlier, that meant my deadname had to go on this sheet. I mean I have long hair and a pink mask and boobs and a purse etc etc, so I’m obvs not a dude of any flavor, but the legal name is the legal name.
The thing about Kaiser is they have your medical record accessible to all medical professionals who treat you. And there was a nurse or tech here who was taking everyone’s account numbers from their forms and going into their medical records to add in the vaccination.
And then he’s bringing the little proof of vaccination cards to everyone, the ones you see everyone posting a photo with. Only maybe you noticed I didn’t post a photo of mine… because my deadname is on it, so no thank you. But this guy… goodness.
He comes over with the card, but he stops. He doesn’t seem to know what to say. He kneels down so we’re eye to eye (I was sitting in a chair for the 15 minute period where they wait to be sure you don’t have a rare immediate bad reaction).
He doesn’t show me the card. He finally talks, but quietly so no one else will hear. “I saw in your record you go by Tilly.” I smile, but I’m double-masked so who knows if he’s aware. “Is ‘Tilly’ on your driver’s license?”
I tell him no, not yet, sadly. Then he finally reveals the card with my deadname on it. “Is this okay? I don’t think I can change it, but I wanted to be sure you were okay with it.”
Now look, I was about to cry then and I’m about to cry now, from this one simple act of kindness. The vaccination record has to have a legal name on it, I get it. It’s not his fault, it’s covid’s fault I haven’t been able to get it changed yet.
He could have just put my deadname on it and dropped it in my lap and moved on with his day. Worse, he could have come over and asked if that deadname was me because I do not look like the gender of the people who generally have that name.
But he didn’t. He knew there was probably nothing he could do about it, but he checked just to be sure. And he felt bad about having to give me something that I need to have but doesn’t have my real name on it.
He just ripped a handful of those dream leafy-things off my arm. I was seen as myself and understood. And even though my deadname was a reminder, again, that I’m a trans woman, this guy made me feel like I could just exist as me and negated that entirely.
So I thanked him and waited the rest of my fifteen minutes, and then he told me I could go and I thanked him again. And I left feeling like myself, like a person who happens to be trans (and that’s great!), but not some beacon of transness first and foremost, if that makes sense.
I don’t think straight cis men basically ever think about their gender. They don’t have to. The world is set up to affirm that’s who they are at every step (because they’re the ones who set it up that way).
They don’t get reminded a dozen times a day how they’re cisgender. Am I right, straight cis fellas? You just go about your life and don’t really think about it. And I would so, so love to just go about my life and not have to think about how I’m transgender every single day.
So hey, maybe try to be like the amazing nurse/tech guy who made my life better with a simple, easy kindness. Rip some of those weird damned dream splashy/leafy things off my arm, willya? They’re fucking creepy!
Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s my birthday week (it’s true! seems I keep having them every year and thank goodness). Birthdays can be weird for lots of people, but for some trans people like me they’re extra strange. We’re talking TRANS BIRTHDAYS. Plus: a letter to little Tilly!
My first birthday after coming out was strange. It was the first one in my entire life that I got to spend as the real me, except that was much less the real me than I was on the birthday following, or the one this year. So in a way each of them is like an entirely new thing.
They’ve all felt deeply weird. Birthdays have always been a bit odd for me though. They were fine when I was a kid, as they are for many kids. Cake, presents, maybe a party with your friends. Even though the world still seemed wrong and broken.
Looking back, what little of them I can remember are still all tinged with sadness and pain, and they always will be. If you’d like more info, see THE PAST (and why it haunts us).
In my mid-20s birthdays all started to blend together, but I imagine that happens for everyone. I remember 30 feeling a bit different, even though I don’t remember the day itself, but then they all blended together again after.
I couldn’t tell you what I did for any of my birthdays now. They’ve never been that special, I guess. Susan and the kid and I might go out for dinner (not since Pandora’s box started tho) or if it was a weekend, maybe go to Disneyland or something.
Even then, they never meant anything to me. I was getting older, happy to be married to my best friend, loving our amazing kid, loving writing, and that was it. The fact I felt disassociated and disconnected from the world and my own life probably has a lot to do with that.
But birthdays were always just a happy excuse to see people I love and eat food I like and get presents. Beyond that, even as a kid it never felt celebratory to me. What’s to celebrate? It’s just the day I was born, who cares?
Well being an adult and continuing to exist, especially in our present climate, feels heroic. Between covid and maybe half the country wanting to strip my rights away and the actual literal climate, just surviving is a big deal.
And we’re not just surviving. Susan and I are writing our best stuff ever, and we’ve never been happier or more excited by the work we’re doing. And we’re SO EXCITED to tell you what we’ve been working on, as soon as we’re allowed to. It’s all so wonderful.
But I look back and wonder what birthdays would have been like as a kid if I’d been able to be myself. I try to imagine what knowing that I was transgender would have felt like. I just don’t know.
It fills me with pangs of sadness and regret for the childhood I never had, for all the birthdays I could have had that might have meant so much more. What would it be like to be seen and accepted and celebrated for the REAL ME every year of my life? Goodness.
I didn’t get to be a little girl. I didn’t get to be a teen girl. I didn’t even get to be a woman in her 20s. Those are experiences I’ve been robbed of, and can never ever get back because time still stubbornly only moves in one direction because time’s a goddamned jerk.
Transphobic society STEALS YEARS OF LIFE FROM TRANS PEOPLE. There’s no other way to say it, and no softening the pain and damage that causes. I will never EVER get back the childhood, teen years, and young adulthood that should have been mine.
But then I realize that it’s all just a gossamer dream anyway because my home life was such that even if I’d known I was trans, I certainly wouldn’t have been able to explore it or live it. I’d have been forced to hide it and repress it and that’s already what I was doing.
I would have been told I was NOT trans, and they would have attempted to force it out of me. So what’s worse, living with the feeling that the world is somehow wrong and I don’t fit, or living with knowing why and how to fix it but being trapped and kept away from it?
Either way is awful. I’m so envious of trans folks who figured it out young and had supportive families that let them explore and find themselves. I have no idea what that’s like. It’s something ALL OF US should have. It shouldn’t be something we have to hide, a pain we’re forced into.
But I’ve also mentioned in previous Trans Tuesdays that if I HAD known earlier, and even been able to explore it and transition earlier, it would have changed my life in every conceivable way.
And then I might not have ever found my wife, and we might not have our wonderful kid, and I would never trade either of those things. But that doesn’t stop the well of pain that’s like a hole in my heart at wondering what might have been.
And so part of me wishes I was born a cis girl, because how much easier life would be. Not that cis women have it easy, but they have it a damn sight better than us trans women. But I don’t want to BE cis, I just want to exist in a world that accepts me as me from the get-go.
It’s not like I’m ashamed of being trans, or sad about it. Far from it! I’m proud of being trans and who I am. You have no idea the kind of COURAGE it takes for every trans person to exist in this world. It SHOULDN’T take courage, mind you. But it does.
And so this is like every other aspect of being trans, at least for me. It’s complex and nuanced with layers, and there’s no easy answer or even an easy way to explain it.
Since realizing and accepting my transness, and being out and becoming more my true self with every passing day, birthdays have been even more different. Because on each one I’ve been more ME than ever. Especially this year when I’ve hit so many milestones.
Like when photos just stopped spiking my gender dysphoria, which seems to have almost entirely dissipated altogether. See PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.
Or when I discovered that the lessening and dissipating of my dysphoria provided me a freedom that I never had the capacity to experience before. See FREEING UP MY BRAIN (aka lunch with Tilly)
It would make me ludicrously happy, but I’m not used to feeling that way. I actually feel like I want to CELEBRATE, which I guess is what birthday parties are supposed to be all about? Hey! I survived another year in this mess of a world, congrats!
I actually wanted to do a party or something this year, if I could find a good outdoor location to hold one. But I didn’t think of it soon enough and we’ve been far too busy and I just didn’t have time to make it happen. And it completely surprises me how devastatingly sad that makes me.
Next year, if I can remember to plan it early enough, I want to rectify that with my first real birthday hang ever. Are we buds? Are you in LA or willing to travel here? ‘Cause I’d love for you to be there. Celebrating with ME. 💜
It’s all just so discombobulating. I hope that lessens over time, but I suspect it might not. It hasn’t so far. But if I could write a letter to that kid, tell her what was coming… maybe that’s the way to approach it.
Hey kid! I know you feel weird. I know you ALWAYS feel weird. Like you don’t belong, like you don’t fit in the world, like the world is made for everyone but you.
Even when you’re happy, even when you’re with people you love, something’s always off. “Like a splinter in your mind.” Some really smart and talented ladies wrote that line in a movie that’s going to knock you on your ass for reasons you won’t realize until years after.
You’re actually gonna come to be known for talking about those movies, and it’s going to help other people like you, in ways you can’t even imagine. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one who has to walk through it.
Did you know that there’s a reason, when you were six, you were devastated when your friend Chucky’s older sister was having a sleepover with her friends and he got to go because he lived there, but you did not because they thought you were a boy?
And there’s a reason you were more upset about not getting to hang out with the girls at the sleepover than you were about not getting to hang out with Chucky all night. Always wondered why that was, huh? Believe me, I know.
There’s a reason you kept that barrette you found in the street while walking home from school in fourth grade and hid it in your room, and put it in your hair every time you were home alone. You never knew why you did it.
It embarrassed you a bit, even though no one knew. Because “boys didn’t do that.” Why would YOU do that? What the fuck is wrong with you, you freak? I hear you wondering that over and over again and it breaks my heart.
Nothing. NOTHING is wrong with you, you beautiful tortured little child. What’s wrong is your biology, and the way the world treats you based on it. That’s all it is. It doesn’t make you a freak, and it doesn’t mean this world isn’t for you.
It just means you’re a girl. Yes you are. I am. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do you see? Can you imagine? This is you one day. You’ll get here. Don’t give up. It’s going to take fucking forever, but you can’t give up.
Don’t give me that, you are SO a girl. Despite the fact you never believed in god, how many times did you fall asleep literally praying you’d somehow magically wake up as a girl? How many?
It’s okay, I can’t count that high either. But did you know cisgender boys… don’t do that? They don’t. It’s not a thing every boy does. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!
It’s just your brain trying to work shit out. It’s your subconscious telling you something that it’s going to take you a very long time to figure out, but it’s there and it’s the truth and it’s just waiting for you to find it. And so, so much happiness is waiting for you on the other side.
So keep putting that barrette in your hair. Keep looking at girls you have a crush on and finding them almost as cute as their clothes. Keep looking at their hair and wondering what that would be like. BUT DON’T DO IT IN A CREEPY WAY okay good just want to be sure we cover that.
You don’t have the words or the knowledge yet to explain who you are, but that doesn’t change the truth. You know it, you feel it deep in your heart, even though you can’t express it.
I know, because I can feel it too. Even now. Being who I am today, who I’ve always wanted to be, who I AM. Because it’s who you are, and I can still feel inside me now how you felt then.
I know the pain, and the longing, and the sadness, and how nothing at all makes sense because of this one thing, and how that plagues you and won’t give you a moment’s peace. But you’ll get through it, and your future’s gonna be amazing.
Your best friend in the world is going to be your wife! And you’re going to love her more than you thought it was possible to ever love anyone or anything in the entire universe. She’s going to light up your world like you can’t imagine.
You’re also going to have a kid! And being a parent is going to be the toughest, most exhausting, most amazing, most rewarding thing you’ve ever experienced. And you will love that kid in ways you never knew possible.
And you’re a writer! And you’re working on tv shows and comics and you run a scripted podcast production company (I know you don’t know what those are yet, don’t interrupt me, smartass) and that endless imagination is getting put to wondrous use telling stories for others.
And the world won’t be so strange anymore. I mean, it’s still fucked up in a lot of ways don’t get me wrong. But you’ll always fight to make it better, so definitely keep that up. But that splinter in your mind?
You’ll find it, and you’ll rip it out, and you’ll heal, and suddenly the world will make a lot more sense. And you’ll have wonderful people who love you and support you to help you every step of the way. And there’s so much beauty waiting for you. Around you. IN you.
Don’t give up. Keep fighting. YOU’RE A GIRL AND THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.
Let the tears come. Then wipe them away and stay strong.
PS – Your wife & kid are making you tomato risotto ‘cause the future is magic. I know you don’t know what that is, just shut up and trust me. No YOU shut up. No YOU shut up! It’s really great, I mean it. What? No! IT’S LIKE FANCY MAC & CHEESE WITH KETCHUP YOU’LL BE FINE. Jesus.
ADDENDUM: Just had a thought. I felt like that was truly how little me would have responded to this. And OF COURSE IT IS because just look at the FREEING UP MY BRAIN/LUNCH WITH TILLY thread I linked to. I didn’t have the capacity to try many new things/foods! BECAUSE OF MY DYSPHORIA.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is the continuation of last week’s ASK TILLY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING TRANS. You had so many questions that deserved thoughtful answers so it went long. This week: personal changes, HRT, sex, early transition tips, how to know if you’re trans, and more!
If you missed ASK TILLY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING TRANS part 1 last week, or just want a reminder of all the good stuff that was asked about my name, selfies, trans people/stories in media, and dealing with transphobia, def check it out!
–Did you feel like there were things you had to learn or relearn as you transitioned or did it all just come naturally?–
This one’s going to be different for everyone. For me, I had to learn a whole lot of new things. I’d never experimented with makeup before, I didn’t know how to wear a skirt (or even put one on), I had no idea how to take care of my hair, etc.
But even more than that, you notice things you maybe never did before. A lot of women don’t walk the same way men do. Don’t sit or move their hands the same way. Don’t even just stand still with the same posture or position.
And nobody has to change those things if they don’t want to, but if I don’t do that I risk reading more as a man to people and open myself up to misgendering, or even violence. And maybe it makes me feel more “womanly” if I do?
It’s a very weird situation to be forced into. But it’s also partly internal, and some people may change their mannerisms or the ways they walk or sit or stand long before transitioning or even knowing they’re trans.
When I saw the first full-body photos of me once I started transitioning there was a weird disconnect, because I was standing like I used to but looking more like I do now, and I couldn’t figure out why the two didn’t seem to line up. It’s such a strange thing.
I’ve also been in voice therapy for nearly two years, learning how to change my voice so it reads more as a woman to people I’m talking to (likely on a subconscious level that most people don’t even realize). It’s been the absolute most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. Read more in TRANS VOICES.
HRT does nothing for trans ladies’ voices, so it’s a whole lot of understanding the biology and psychology of speech, and then practicing FOREVER to get it to where you want it to be.
So to sum up, yes absolutely. When you change the way the world thinks of you, it changes the way you think of the world, and everything is different. You have to figure out how to fit in it the way you want to, and get it to recognize you the way you want it to.
What in your life has changed the least since transitioning?
What simply makes more sense, or feels more right, to you about your life now?
(Something that’s always been you, but “fits,” (for lack of a better word) now, in a way it didn’t before.)
My home life has basically not changed at all, which I credit my amazing wife Susan and our son with. Especially Susan, who always allowed me to be ME for our entire life together, so a lot of the opening up/finding out who I really am (personality-wise) happened long before transition. https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555295687570440192
What makes more sense and feels more right is the entire world, and my body, and my place in it. All those bad feelings I had and didn’t understand for my entire life now make perfect sense. LIFE makes more sense and feels right, because I’m being the real me.
The one thing that “fits” better, or I guess makes more sense, is my obsession with writing about the nature of reality and memory and characters who are searching for their true identity. It’s not a surprise that I always connected with those things!
It now also makes perfect sense why so much of my past writing involved people switching bodies… always also just so happening to include a gender change. Ha ha ha, nope, I wasn’t subconsciously working through anything at all, why do you ask?
What were the hardest, & most rewarding, moments (if different) at the start of your transition, at six months, one year, two years?
Could you speak to a time you went back to something you loved, & how your experience of it changed, post transition?
(Like your rewatch of Trek.)
Voice has always been the hardest. Though at first, even stepping outside our apartment as my true self was scary as hell and overwhelming. To be honest, even just dressing as myself at home was incredibly difficult and overwhelming at first. All that got easier with time. https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555296793516072960
The most rewarding and unexpected thing has to be recently hitting a point where SO MUCH of my life changed, due to transition, in ways I could never have even expected. Dysphoria affects us in ways we don’t even realize, and when it lessens or dissipates, beautiful things happen.
Or the way dysphoria was occupying SO much of my brain, my time, and my energy that once it was gone I suddenly had the whole world open up to me and found amazing things I never had the capacity to experience before. I did a Trans Tuesday on that – FREEING UP MY BRAIN (aka lunch with Tilly)
Or the COMPLETELY unexpected, and most incredibly joy-inducing thing of photos suddenly giving me… NO dysphoria. At all. I could never have dreamed such a thing was possible. See PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.
My experiences with *everything* changed, watching them for the first time as myself. Anything even remotely connecting to gender hits me entirely differently than it used to. Just like in my life I notice all kinds of things I could never see before. Like the code of the Matrix!
Do you ever forget that you used to answer to a different name or presented differently?
(Or is this just me?)
I don’t forget that I presented differently, or had a different name, because there are so many reminders of that in my life that I’ll likely never be able to get away from. I’m not sure there’s a whole lot I can do about that. https://twitter.com/LibraryGirl/status/1555316169350844416
This may come as a surprise, but I ALSO did a Trans Tuesday about how I’ve really got NO ESCAPE from my deadname or reminders of the false person I used to have to pretend to be. I can’t even escape regular reminders that I’m trans. I don’t get to just be a person.
–How much will HRT affect my sexual functionality?–
I’m going to guess you mean as someone assigned male and birth and then going on estrogen and/or testosterone blockers, to which the answer is: likely a lot. Anytime your testosterone is lowered, it’s going to affect your sexual functionality.
That’s a big side effect of all testosterone blockers (most of which were developed as hair loss drugs for cis men, btw… for them the T blocking is a side-effect, for many trans people it’s the desired effect). But even just going on estrogen alone will lower your T levels.
Firstly, in case this is why you’re asking, it’s very likely that HRT will make you infertile. If you want to be a biological parent of any children in the future, you should work under the assumption that after a while on HRT that will no longer be possible.
Also be prepared for your junk to likely shrink. All of it. On the plus side, that may make tucking easier for you. If anyone out there needs a reminder/primer about TUCKING AND BINDING, here you go!
And it’s also very much a “use it or lose it” situation, because spontaneous erections while you’re sleeping will slow or stop, and if you go too long without exercising the muscle, as it were, it won’t work the same.
But that could actually prove really difficult to do because another known side-effect of adding E and/or lowering T is reduced sex drive. Not everyone on E or T blockers experiences that (and some find their drive increases), but it’s pretty common and probably fairly likely.
Estrogen and Testosterone fight each other in the body, because… I don’t know. But they do. Adding in E will lower your T. To get your E higher, you’ve got to block or lower the T. And getting your E higher is what hopefully gives you the results you want HRT to give you.
Annoyingly, hormones affect everyone differently. You have to find what combo of HRT works best for you, and gets you the results you want while minimizing the side-effects you don’t (like, for you, losing some or all sexual function).
It may be that low levels of E do enough for you that you’re happy with it and can find a balance that also preserves your sexual function. It may be that just a T blocker will get you what you need, or maybe low doses of both.
What’s important is finding an endocrinologist who knows what you want and will help you find the best ways to achieve that, and not try to force their own thoughts about what you *should* do onto you. There is no “should” when it comes to HRT, there’s only what’s right for YOU.
And the good news is hormones work REALLY slowly, so if you start with low doses and see how it goes, you can stop something you don’t like at any time. All the changes happen over a long, long period of time. You have time to adjust, but you also have to be very patient.
–Was there a sense of liberation during sex after transitioning?–
I don’t know that I’d call it liberation. I’ve said many times my dysphoria was mostly related to my face, facial hair, and body hair (and to a lesser extent, my flat chest). For many it’s their secondary sex characteristics and external genitalia.
For those in the latter group, it may well be liberating. For me, it just became BETTER because I didn’t have all that pain and all those walls keeping me from everything good in life. It definitely became an entirely new experience.
I don’t want to get too personal, but HRT also changed what physically feels good to me in terms of sex, which was hugely surprising. I mean your body goes through a lot of changes, but *the way things physically feel* wasn’t something I anticipated changing.
It, uh… also changed orgasms. A LOT. They are an ENTIRELY different experience than before. And having had both kinds of them, I can confidently say MY CIS DUDES you do not know what you’re missing! Cause hoooooooooly shit.
SORRY FOR THE TMI look I’m just trying to help. We’re all adults here! Let’s move on. 😬
Obviously all Trans people are born trans, but some seem to break their life down into “Who I was before transition” and “Who I am after transition” as being two different people. Whilst others reject that and insist that they were always their true gender. Any ideas why?
My way is that I had such a great relationship with my wife, who always allowed me to be myself and explore and experiment with anything I wanted even long before I really suspected I was trans, that transitioning didn’t change who I was inside.
It just allowed me to be MORE me. And yes, I know, I am A LOT™. I’m so glad she loves me and puts up with all my nonsense. I LOVE YOU LADY YOU ARE THE BEST ahem okay moving on.
For most folks, I think dysphoria coupled with unsafe or bad home/work/social environments means that as part of pretending to be the gender society expects them to be, they do things or “like” things that they don’t really want to do, or like, or say, or believe.
You’re pretending to go along with things because that’s what society expects and you’re trying to be that person, and I think for a lot of people that comes with all that baggage. When you free yourself of pretending to be the shell you aren’t, you free yourself of that baggage.
I mean it even kind of happened for me a little, with my love of bows. I’ve always loved them my whole life, but never felt I could really express that in any meaningful way. You’re never going to believe this, and I don’t want to alarm you… but there’s a Trans Tuesday about that too. See SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER (and bows Bows BOWS).
For people who have a LOT of things like that in their life, there’s probably a much clearer delineation and it maybe even feels like two separate people. Even for me, it feels a little like that. There was “that fake guy” before, and now there’s ME. But I’ve always been a woman.
–hi! im really early in my transition (2mo), and coming out over and over again is so intimidating. what is something that helped you when you were first starting to come out to the world around you? also love your content, it has been very helpful in finding words for a lot of things <3–
Aw yay, I’m so glad! That’s why I do these. So yes, coming out is tough because you very much do have to come out again and again and again to everyone who ever knew you under your deadname and who you still talk to or have any kind of relationship with going forward.
There’s your friends and family, sure, but also your doctors and the insurance company and the DMV and the bank and literally ANY company where you want them to change your name on your account. And these people are strangers! And you have to do it So. Many. Times.
Hi AppleTV+, I’m trans! Hi concert tickets I bought last year and are in my old name, I’m trans! Hi oil change guy, I’m trans! It’s so exhausting. Not to mention it can potentially be dangerous as you never know how they’re going to respond.
My suggestion is to not do it all at once, maybe don’t even do more than one at a time. It takes so much energy because you never, ever know if you’re going to be met with hostility or bigotry just for asking for a name change on your cell phone carrier or something.
Space them out. One a week maybe (or at an interval you feel not too stressed out by). Make a list of EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE you need to come out to and prioritize the most important at the top. Go one by one and work your way down. Be patient and kind with yourself! It’s hard!
–This is probably a generic question but, what do you think are good litmus tests for someone who’s trying to figure out if they’re trans or not?–
I think the best way is honestly to put on clothes from the gender you think you might be and pay super close attention to how you FEEL. Go back to your old clothes. How do you feel now? Do it multiple times, on different days. Do a full emotional inventory each time.
There’s a lot more to it, but that’s one good way. Although keep in mind it’s possible you may just be a cis man who likes to wear women’s clothes, or vice versa, and that’s fine! But if it gives you gender euphoria, that’s a pretty clear indicator. But there are also other ways.
If you could take a pill today that would make you the gender you think you might be, and everyone in your life will also have always thought you were that gender and always had been, would you do it? Yes? Hey, I have news for you: you’re trans!
I just can’t believe this keeps coming up somehow (it’s almost like I’ve done a lot of these!?), but I also did a Trans Tuesday specifically about this which may help you further! If you read it and have more questions, please feel free to ask! See HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS?
–How do you tell what gender you are? Anyone can be whatever, so it seems a lot harder to pick a gender than the more concrete stuff, like pronouns and presentation–
First, I’d like to say that “anyone can be whatever” reads as a little dismissive, so try to be careful about your wording. But yes, congratulations on discovering that knowing your own gender is the most difficult part of the process!
Though I also think deciding upon your presentation isn’t as easy as you think. There are a million different ways people of any gender can present, and even two years into my transition I’m still figuring that out (future Trans Tuesday coming on that topic).
But also nobody “picks” a gender in the sense that it’s not really an active choice. Except maybe for some gender-fluid folks? But they can speak to that better than I… though I presume even that’s less about “picking” and more about how they feel at a given time.
Your gender just who you ARE, like straight or gay or red-headed or left-handed. But it’s all internal, so it’s harder to spot. See my answer to the previous question and read my thread on How To Know If You’re Trans and that may help you.
Mostly you have to just be open and honest with yourself, and have the guts to experiment and try different genders on, so to speak, and you should be able to find the one (or more! Or none!) that fits. You may find you’re cis! Or trans! Or non-binary! Or gender-fluid! Or agender!
–What’s the most important thing to remember when starting my transition?–
Be kind and patient with yourself, and know there’s no one “right” way to transition. You can do as much or as little social or medical transition as you want. No amount will make you any more or any less trans.
There’s no such thing as being “trans enough” to transition or to become your true self. You’re trans if you say you are, and you have to do whatever is right for YOU and not anyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And it is NEVER too late.
Thank you for being part of Trans Tuesdays, whether you reply or just read them. I do them for you, for ALL of you, and thank you for coming with me on this journey. Are there 100 more to come? Let’s find out together. Rock on, my friends.
