Trans 101

TRANS COURAGE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about something nearly every trans person is intimately familiar with, because we often can’t be who we are without it. And I’m going to tell you a (true!) story to help explain. Let’s dive into: TRANS COURAGE.

This all begins with a childhood story, and you’re going to wonder how it’s related to anything trans, but stick with me. It’ll make sense at the end.

No place has ever felt like home to me unless Susan was there with me, and even still no place has felt like home more than Los Angeles. I think the city itself feels more like home than any of the apartments we’ve actually lived in.

I feel somewhat disassociated from my past and childhood for reasons I’ve talked a bit about before, mostly in my thread on THE PAST and why it haunts those of us who transition as adults.

We also moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I never had too long to get attached to a place. The longest we ever lived somewhere was one house from when I was 8 to 16, so I suppose that’s as close to any kind of feeling of a childhood home that I have.

There was a playground nearby, and I went there with my friends often. But it wasn’t that big and we’d get bored with it fairly quickly, so we’d end up heading out into the fairly big (for a suburb) park that it was part of.

Way at the far end was a very modest lake, which I think was created as part of the subdivision. It took a while to walk there and all the nearby surrounding houses faced away from it, and most had their yards blocked by big fences.

So when you were there it felt kind of like you were in your own little world. There’s a pretty busy street nearby, which present satellite view shows is six lanes wide, so you could always hear the traffic. But it didn’t matter, it felt kind of like our little secret.

Sometimes we’d go fishing there, I guess because my parents bought me a pole and tackle box because it was a thing boys should have? I never really had any interest in fishing, and I made my friends put the worms on the hooks because I was NOT touching them.

You can tell I really loved it, can’t you? We never caught anything, and thinking about how this was an artificial lake, there probably weren’t even any fish in it. I don’t think we’d have known what to do with one if we caught it, anyway. I suspect there’d have been a lot of screaming.

There were always a lot of ducks though, and we’d find tortoises sometimes. We’d “skate” on it in our sneakers in winter when it was frozen over, which… was probably a very bad decision and I may be lucky to still be alive. But that ain’t the half of it.

Because “highly unsafe” basically describes me as a kid. Our neighborhood was relatively new and things were always under construction. In the summers I’d go poking through every construction site on the weekend when nobody was there.

Once I found a house that only had a basement foundation so far, and I jumped down inside it to explore and I had very, very little upper arm strength and couldn’t pull myself back up to get out. It took me over an hour to figure out how to escape that proto-basement.

It occurs to me now that my fascination with exploring buildings that were under construction and nowhere near finished is… probably related to my love of cutaways, blueprints, and technical diagrams. See SEARCHING FOR MEANING (when you’re trans and don’t know it).

Anyway, I never panicked when trapped in that basement (other than worrying I’d be home late). All of this is only to show you what this lake meant to my life back then, and so you understand the general nature of little Tilly’s insatiable curiosity (big Tilly has that too tho).

So the “corner” of this lake had a sewer runoff pipe that led into it. I went all around the lake on google maps street view trying to get an image of it, but due to the aforementioned houses ringing the lake, it’s basically blocked on every side.

So the pic I used before is the closest I could find with a quick image search. There were no rocky ledges in front of it, it just kind of came out of a hillside and dumped rainwater into the lake and its muddy shore.

I’ve always been someone whose imagination runs away with her (works well for being a writer!) and I could NOT stop thinking about what wonders might be deep inside that sewer pipe. I’d try to talk my friends into going in to see all the time, but none of them ever would.

I mean that speaks well of them, I guess. They weren’t imaginative banana clowns like me. But remember I’m the girl who jumped into an unfinished basement with 7’ high walls and no stairs without a single thought as to how I’d get back out.

So one hot summer day I was bored at the playground, and I was alone. My parents always told me to come back if none of my friends were around, but I never did. What a scamp! So I went down to the lake and poked around in the muck a bit.

I could hear the traffic and the ducks, and that weird kind of buzzy hum you get from bugs during midwest summers that I can hear so clearly in my mind, but couldn’t remotely tell you what actually made that sound.

The lake was always mostly still, though you’d get some tiny waves from what little wind could get between the houses or from the huge open field between the lake and the playground.

And I saw the drainage pipe.

And I couldn’t stop looking at it.

And my heart raced.

And you know where this is going.

I peeked around the side and looked in. PIIIIIIITCH. BLACK. When I tell you this gave me only a moment’s hesitation, well… yeah, I was actually kind of terrified, but the curiosity! What was in there? Whatever it was, I’D be the first to know!

I know it was hot and sunny that day, but I guess it must have rained recently because there was water running through the pipe. Not a lot, but enough that I couldn’t just walk in without getting my feet soaked. So (oh god, how did I not die)…

I leapt across the stream on the bottom, hit the side of the pipe with my left foot and shot my right foot out the other way… and I balanced myself with my legs spread wide OVER the stream, my feet at weird awkward angles due to the rounded sides of the pipe.

And then I… well I don’t know what you call it. It wasn’t walking. I’d pull one foot off the wall and shoot it forward to immediately brace it again, and then do the other side, so I could move down the pipe without wading through the water.

And so I went. Just… down into the darkness. It obviously got darker the further in I went. I don’t know where the nearest opening for rainwater to enter was, but it wasn’t close. Sounds got muffled. I couldn’t hear the traffic anymore.

I couldn’t hear the ducks, I couldn’t hear the buzzing insects. All I could hear was the running of the water underneath me, my sneakers as they scuffled along the walls, and my ragged breathing (because I was ding dang TERRIFIED).

Eventually I’d gone so far the opening looked like a pin prick behind me. I couldn’t see ANYTHING, it was just me and the curved concrete walls I could feel through the soles of my shoes and the sound of the water.

And I wasn’t worried about getting hurt, just about getting lost. I’ve always had GREAT spatial acuity. I can SEE shapes in my mind, and how they fit together. I’m GREAT at packing suitcases! Also at remembering convoluted paths through video games, even at that age.

So I was pretty sure I’d be able to find my way out, especially as I’d only gone in a straight line so far, but again: overactive imagination. What if I COULDN’T? What if I was lost down here? How would anyone ever find me?

Nobody would ever even think to LOOK down there. What if I was just stuck alone starving to death in the darkness forever??? What if while I was down there, there was a thunderstorm and water came rushing in and drowned me???

Note I did not think of these things before going in. It’s the basement foundation all over again.

Ah, to be a kid.

I was excited and fascinated and my heart was beating out of my chest. I was finally thinking about turning around when I noticed I could see a little better. There was light up ahead, and the first branch in the pipe.

Well I at least had to see what THAT was about, as I’d not seen or found anything else and that disappointment would not stand. So I continued on until I got to the opening, where it branched off to the right.

There was a weird little sort of lip where the two concrete pipes met, and water was running over it but I could stand on either side of that without too much trouble, which was a good spot to rest my feet.

So I got myself on that somehow and looked down this new avenue. And there was the first drain I’d seen from a street above, sunlight streaming down through the circular overhead grate.

I have no idea how long I had been in the dark, but the light hurt a little the way it cut through the dark like neon. I used my same “walking” shuffling method and went down the new pipe to the opening, and I looked up.

I have no idea where it was within the neighborhood. I have no idea what was up there. To this day I still don’t know. All I saw was bright blue sky.

If I ever go back to that town, I could probably walk around the streets near the lake and find the exact spot, assuming there’s been no major drainage construction in the intervening years. But I’m not sure I want to.

I guess I kind of do, buuuuut then again no, because it feels like that spot would then be somehow less mine, and less special. I dunno. But to see it from the other side of the drain would be… something.

The image of that neon-like shaft of light from above, the ONLY thing I could see in the blackout, has been seared in my brain since that day. I hope I never forget it. It was the first thing I think I’d ever experienced where I realized… this was MINE.

NOBODY else’s. Nobody else had seen this. Maybe nobody else ever would. I don’t know how long I stayed there, but it was a while, because for some reason I loved it and I didn’t want to go.

I suspect eventually the light let me see my watch and I realized I had no idea how long it would take me to get back out and I didn’t want to be late getting home, so I tore myself away and made it safely back out, without even getting my toes wet.

I never went back in, and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’d sated the curiosity. Or maybe the memory was just too special and I didn’t want to have it ruined or overwritten with repeated trips.

So why am I telling you all this? Because going into that sewer, ill-advised as it may have been, took all the courage I could muster. But I wasn’t going to let fear stop me. All through my life, I see myself doing the same, even if it took me a while (or too long!), I faced it.

Look at the post I made the day I got a makeover from a Hollywood makeup artist, which was when I knew that not only could I transition all the way, I HAD to because I finally got my first brief glimpse of the real me.
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1237470565344006144

A tweet I made on March 10, 2020 that reads: today I did something I’d been terrified to do for most of my life (I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s not dangerous so do not worry). And all I can tell you is that we only live once and if you’re wondering if you should do that thing that scaresyou? Fuck yes. Go do it. [purple heart emoji]

I don’t know if part of this came from me somehow seeing DEFENDING YOUR LIFE on tv as a kid, but it had a huge impact on me. We just watched it again last year and I don’t think I’d seen it since, and it was revelatory to discover how it had impacted me.

The Defending Your Life movie poster, showing Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep in white robes, holding hands and looking at each other in front of a billboard with a tram on it. The billboard reads, “Judgment City, just minutes away. Turn left onto the Past Lives Parkway.” The poster tagline reads, “The first true story of what happens after you die.”

The movie’s about this guy who dies and in the afterlife, has to answer for all the decisions he made where he let his fear override his desires, kept him from living the life he wanted and being the person he wanted to be.

The entire story is about facing your fears and not letting them control you, because you never ever know what’s waiting for you on the other side. And to NOT know, or to let those things go, can damage us in complex ways.

If you haven’t seen it, you absolutely should. It’s a warm hug and maybe it’ll change your life, too (I suspect Albert Brooks never thought it’d help a lady embrace her transness years later, but here we are).

Being trans in this world takes courage, EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULDN’T. Being trans should (and is!) just like being left handed or a redhead. It’s just a way some humans are. WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE COURAGEOUS TO SIMPLY EXIST.

But we sadly do, because so much of the world hates us for no good reason. If you (somehow) need the reminder… translegislation.com is tracking 492 anti-trans bills introduced across the United States so far this year!

Nothing I feared in life ever held me back… EXCEPT anything relating to being trans. See the trans tuesday on THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (and Halloween, costumes, and makeup).

You can also see the trans tuesday on HAIR, and how growing it out scared the crap out of me.

And you can see its follow up, HAIR 2, on how going for my first real haircut ALSO scared the crap out of me.

These things, ANYTHING related to my transness, was the drainage pipe at the lake. I saw it. I knew it was there. And I wanted to know what was down in those depths SO badly, but god I was SO scared to look. SO SO SCARED.

And I was afraid enough that I didn’t look inside for… too damned long. But eventually I went in. And it was awkward and terrifying, and I was worried I’d get lost in the blackout.

Until I found that neon shaft of light that explained it all. Hey look, you’re okay. This is why everything’s been so dark and confusing. You’re trans, and that’s OKAY, and you CAN be whoever you want to be, whoever you really are.

Explore that darkness. Find the light inside. Do what scares you. Be who you are.
(and watch DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, it’s great).

Look. Look UP.

Look beyond the grate keeping you in the dark.

It’s open blue sky, girl.

Just waiting for you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

LEGAL NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is LEGALLY CHANGING YOUR NAME AND GENDER MARKER. My experience in California is going to be remarkably different than in other parts of the country/world however, so keep that in mind!

Last Wednesday, May 19, my documents were dropped off at the courthouse to start the legal process of getting my name and gender marker changed. What you probably don’t realize, and I certainly didn’t, is that it’s going to be a very. long. process.

It actually started two days prior on Monday, May 17… though honestly it began even months before that as I looked into what would be required. I read a bunch of information about it, and ended up on the LA Superior Court website trying to figure out how to get started.

But there’s no easy guideline or checklist of things, with links to the right forms and how/where/when to file them. You’re kind of left to your own devices, and even here in California where the process is probably about as friendly as it can get, it was overwhelming.

And here’s where living in Los Angeles gave me a cheat code through this ordeal, because we have the lovely Los Angeles LGBT Center. And they have a Trans Wellness Center, with an expert who will just… help you with your paperwork. FOR FREE.

I thought that was pretty amazing, but it was actually even better than I could have imagined because I answered 10 quick questions on a form, and they just DID ALL THE PAPERWORK FOR ME. Again, FREE OF CHARGE. So 30 minutes later I had everything I needed to get going.

As an aside, just stepping into the Trans Wellness Center was… something. An entire floor of a 20-story building JUST for trans people, staffed by trans people. Friendly and welcoming and I was super at ease as soon as I stepped off the elevator. Such an amazing resource.

Not only was I given all the paperwork I needed, but a packet with step by step instructions about what to do next. Before I get ahead of myself, let’s look at what’s in this paperwork to petition the court for a name and gender marker change.

The first document that’s required was a total surprise to me, though it makes sense. You have to testify that you’re not a sex criminal or a felon trying to evade the law or trying to change your name to evade debts, etc.

Now we get to the actual form for changing the stuff I want changed, though it’s no less intimidating or full of dense legalese that’s hard to make sense of. This document is four pages (five if you count the list of places and methods to file the form).

This is the key portion, with… some redactions.

Both original forms are signed and dated, then you make two copies of each. You put all of those along with a check or money order for the FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLAR COURT FILING FEE and a SASE (legal size) into an envelope and mail it to the courthouse (or drop it off).

There are (here in LA County anyway) fee waiver forms you can fill out if you are unable to pay. I don’t know what’s involved with those, but it’s great they exist.

This Monday I got the original forms back in my SASE, the court keeps both of the copies. The originals are stamped showing they were received by the city clerk, with the court case number (which you can check on the status of online here in LA), and a court date.

The packet of next steps I was given by the Trans Wellness Center said most often you are not called in for the court date, unless the judge who has to approve the order has questions or a problem of some kind.

If you DO have to go in, it’ll be in a joint session with people there to change their names for every other reason as well. The packet says if you’re concerned about privacy you can request to go to the end of the queue, though whether that’s granted or not is up to the court.

This hearing could also be to “correct any deficiencies in your petition,” which the court *may* help you with. Kinda terrifying, though. Also, and here’s the fun part, this court date is weeks away. And anyone who objects has until then to file an objection. (!!!)

I presume this is something that’s done for all petitions to the court? I don’t know as I’ve never done one before, but maybe as a way for the public to voice their objections to things? But it also seems like maaaaaaybe that shouldn’t apply for name/gender marker changes.

Because how would ANYONE have the right to object to who you want to legally be recognized as?!? That’s kind of like saying I CAN change my name and gender marker, but only if all of society is okay with it and gives me permission. Not a great feeling!

If the judge approves the request, it gets signed (and hopefully sent back to me? this part is unclear). I can then request certified copies from the Civil Clerk’s Office. Which cost about FIFTY-FIVE BUCKS EACH.

And this becomes the most important document in your life, because it shows the legal connection between your old name and your new name. I will have to take one (not a copy!) to the Social Security Administration to get their info (and my SS card) changed/updated.

I’ll need to take another copy to the DMV, to prove I am who I say I am, and get an updated driver’s license with the correct name and gender displayed. I’ll need further copies to update a passport and to get my birth certificate changed.

I don’t LEGALLY need to update the birth certificate, but if I don’t, any time I need it for anything I will ALSO need one of these certified copies of the order from the clerk to prove that birth certificate is mine.

I was born in another state, which thankfully has laws in place to allow trans people to change their birth certificates, though not all states allow it. But get this… I can’t do it without A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR SAYING I AM “UNDERGOING TREATMENT” FOR BEING TRANS.

The actual fuck.

If you’re trans but don’t have access to gender-affirming care, or can’t afford it because your insurance won’t cover it (or you don’t have insurance), you’re out of luck I guess. Just to be clear: THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU ARE TRANS EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT MEDICALLY TRANSITIONING.

It says in the packet of info I got that name change proceedings for my birth state are even worse. Get this… GET THIS: You have to PUBLISH NOTICE OF YOUR COURT PETITION IN THE NEWSPAPER. –FOR THREE WEEKS–

And it has to START at least six weeks before the court date, which you don’t even know until after you file the paperwork! What antiquated bullshit nonsense is this? Do you know how fucking dangerous that could be for a trans person?!

And what the fuck business is it of the entire town you live in anyway?! Fucking hell, that’s so damned awful. And this is a state that’s relatively friendly to trans people! Do you see what we’re up against here?

I’m so thankful I’m not trying to change my name there! Part of the packet I have says a “physician’s declaration” is no longer needed in CA to get your gender marker changed… as of September of 2018.

Before that, CA refused to believe you are who you say unless a doctor confirmed your medical transition. It took CALIFORNIA until TWO THOUSAND FUCKING EIGHTEEN to just… believe you actually know who you are. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

California didn’t even drop the utterly ludicrous newspaper announcement requirement until 2014! I JUST 😶

Anyway, after driver’s license, birth certificate, and social security are changed, I’m going to need those official court order copies to change my name on our bank account, and our health insurance, and probably a ton of other places too.

And this is why I figure there are going to be more of these threads, as I suspect all of these hoops I have to jump through are going to uncover a whole host of other things I’ll want to talk about.

I was so excited seeing the paperwork go into the courthouse drop box, and I’m excited to know when the court date is, and to get the paper from the court legally confirming I am who I say I am…

But it feels a little like the joy from that will be somewhat muted, because there’s such a long road ahead of getting the entire world to agree with the court and update their records accordingly.

I suspect the new driver’s license will be the big one, though. Because then I’ll have ID that I can use without outing myself as trans to every person who needs to see it for whatever reason.

It’s weird and kind of awful to have to produce your DL for someone, and it has the wrong name and gender and photo on it. And it doesn’t end there, because then you have to TELL them you’re trans and explain the situation.

And this may surprise you, but that’s weirdly not something a lot of trans folks relish having to talk to strangers about! Oh well. One step at a time, I guess.

Look at the costs involved, and all the hoops to jump through, in a very trans-friendly state and with the LA LGBT Center on my side. And think about how tough it is, and how much more difficult it is for trans people not in CA. It’s tough out here.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

ADDENDUMS:

UPDATE! 7/9/2021

Next step is requesting certified copies from the civil clerk’s office, but my documents say to do that after I have the signed decree. Will it be mailed to me, since I filed via mail and did not go in person? Unclear.

Either way on 7/9/2021 I legally became Tilly. 🥰

UPDATE!  7/19/2021

July 16 I paid for several certified copies of the judge’s decree. Social Security office is closed due to covid, so appropriate form and decree mailed in on July 19.

Expected wait for new SS card normally 5-10 days. Now? 3-4 weeks.

So we wait.

UPDATE! 8/16/2021

New SS card arrived in the mail today, Aug. 16!

Next: upload all my Real ID docs through the DMV website (this is unrelated to any of my changes, just normal requirements).

Once those are approved, I go in with my SS card and judge’s decree and get my new ID as ME!

UPDATE!  8/19/2021

Portrait of a lady who filed name/gender change paperwork with the DMV. It went smooth as hell. Thanks to @susanlbridges for accompanying in case anyone gave me shit, and for capturing this pic of my arm looking great.

Now we wait for the Real ID to arrive!

UPDATE: 9/1/2021

GOT MY NEW REAL ID LICENSE YESTERDAY!

I am torn on the photo. It’s not great, and does make me feel a little dysphoric. I was going to post it side by side with my old one, but not sure I’m comfortable.

So instead just know my real name is on it! 💜 oh and also:

UPDATE: 12/19/2022

I waited years to do this. You don’t use birth certificates very often and I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But finally I sent in the forms and the check to pay for the change/one copy in early October 2022 and nothing happened for two months. I was trying to prepare myself to have to fight for my right to be listed as me on my own birth certificate.

But then on Dec. 15, 2022… the check finally cleared. I almost cried. Why? What the heck? The judge’s order declaring my legal name/gender marker change, my driver’s license, those meant a lot.

But this? it shows the date, time, and location of my birth and it says I WAS ME THE SECOND I WAS BORN.

I did not expect all these feelings.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS?

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about a question a lot of people ask, though usually not directed specifically at me (but sometimes it has been!). It’s that age old question: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE TRANS?

I want to caution you, even more than normal, that *I* can’t tell you if you’re trans. Nobody can do that except for you. I can also only talk about my own experience, but maybe you’ll find something in there that you identify with.

I also want to caution that if you identify with any one (or even half a dozen) of these things, it still might not mean you’re transgender. It’s all part of a greater whole, and any one thing is probably not a signifier on its own.

I debated doing this thread for a while, because again there’s no easy way I can answer someone asking me “am I trans?” But I’ll tell you what tipped the scales in favor of giving this a shot.

I’ve been told by a lot of cisgender folks that my threads (this is number 57!) have helped them better understand what it’s like to be trans in this world, and I truly think that’s wonderful. Hopefully it helps you better relate to the trans people in your life.

Even better is I’ve been told by a number of trans folks, both men and women, that many of my posts have resonated with them and spoke in some way to their experience as well, and that means so much to me.

But the best (THE. BEST.) part is that I’ve been told by a few people that my posts have helped them understand their own gender, or their questions about gender, or even helped crack their egg.

SIDEBAR: “Eggs” are trans folks who don’t know they’re trans yet, and the egg “cracking” is when they realize they are, in fact, transgender. I don’t know who came up with that or when, but the metaphor works on a number of levels.

In any case, the fact that these threads have helped those folks better understand themselves or their feelings or what they’re going through is truly the most amazing thing. It can be so tumultuous and confusing, and if I can help someone through that in any way, well 🥰

When I started hearing that my posts had affected people in that way, I figured talking more about all the signs I saw in myself might be of further benefit to people out there who are questioning. So let’s take a look!

As a kid, I always wanted to hang with the girls. I wasn’t really allowed to, but I always felt like… that made more sense. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t also draw hearts and tie a bow in someone’s hair or like flowers.

Now again, thinking those things are only for girls is patently absurd, as discussed in my post on THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.

I’m going to stop saying “of course liking X doesn’t mean you’re a girl” now, because otherwise I’ll be repeating it with every example I give you. Just know it applies to basically everything I’m going to mention.

I’ve spoken several times about the barrette I found in the street when walking home from school, and how I saved it and would put it in my hair anytime I was home alone.

I never, ever liked boy clothes. I felt uncomfortable in them ALL THE TIME, even if they were otherwise comfortable. See the trans tuesday on CLOTHES and how very gendered they are.

I would watch girls in school (or later, women out in the world) and wonder what it would be like to BE her. How different life would be, what would change, how much better everything would be.

Any time I could get away with anything remotely feminine, I would glom onto it like a lifeline. I think I told the story before how I would take bows from Christmas packages and put them in my hair to “make people laugh.” Ha ha, so funny!

I got very confused when I started dating, which I mentioned in the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.

It was so strange to be attracted to a woman, and want to, y’know kiss ‘em and stuff, but also want to just be around them because that was as close as I could get to femininity in any socially “acceptable” way.

I remember once in school hearing some kid talk about photos of an intersex person they saw, and I was fascinated. It was the first I’d heard of anyone like that existing. I thought… maybe that’s what I am! (I’m not. Not remotely.)

But it was SOMETHING outside the societal cisgender norm and I was so desperately looking for answers.

In the shower as a teen, I would sometimes tuck my junk back between my legs (not in any kind of “official” tuck, because I had no idea what that was), and I’d bend backward as far as I could, then look down at my body.

For more on TUCKING AND BINDING, see its trans tuesday.

Anyway, in so doing, all I could see was the top of my chest. I had no pectorals to speak of, and yet it kiiiiiiiind of looked like maybe I had breasts, and couldn’t see any part of my body below them “just like if I were a woman!,” and it made me happy.

Despite all that, I was TERRIFIED of trying on women’s clothes, or makeup, or growing my hair out. Because subconsciously I knew I’d like it, and if I CONSCIOUSLY knew I liked it, I would have to deal with SHIT I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.

Here’s where I talked a bit about makeup and hair dye in THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (and Halloween).

I hated seeing PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS of myself, always, because they never ever looked like ME. Though I don’t think I could have told you that was why I hated them at the time. I just knew they made me feel uncomfortable.

I remember as a kid reading about a lady having gender confirmation surgery, and my mind exploded, because I didn’t know that was a thing you could do. She lived in San Francisco, that awful liberal hotbed that would allow anything because it was populated with bad people!

Conservative parents in the midwest do a number on you, folks. I thought to myself, well, I could NEVER do that because of how my parents and friends and everyone I knew would react.

…so I’d have to just run away to Frisco where that was accepted, get the surgery, change my name, and leave my entire old life behind. Yep, that’s how I’d do it.

Later on, when I learned more, I’d think that transitioning was something I could never actually do. I would never have the guts to tell people, or to face my friends and family, or the world. Besides, everyone would just see me as a “man in a dress.”

BUT- but if there was a pill I could take, that would just turn me into a cis woman, I mean yeah sure I’d take it. Wouldn’t it be cool to see what that was like?!

Uhhhh then I’d just take a pill to turn back into my old self, yeah, of course! Ha ha. 👀

When Susan and I got married, I was so mad (SO BIG MAD) I had to wear a tux, but she got to wear a dress. Not that I would wear a dress! Oh no, uh, no. I’ll just… get married in jeans and a t-shirt? No? Yeah okay I’ll put on the tux that makes me want to cry, it’s fine.

As a kid I LOVED role-playing games (still do). I would play a girl/woman ANY CHANCE I GOT. Often my gaming group was entirely boys. “Well, we need ‘the girl’ member of the team, every team needs one and only one (movies and tv tell us so), so I’ll take one for the team.”

Same with video games, WELL into adulthood. If you can play as a woman, that is literally the only option for me. I would never ever ever ever ever ever willingly play a man.

Through all of this, through ALL of it, every one of these thoughts would be followed up with “I’m still cis though.” If not in those exact words, before I knew was “cis” was, then in spirit.

“Still cis though” is so common it’s actually a meme that perpetuates through online trans spaces for a reason, it’s something… a LOT of us did when we were eggs. Have a few examples.

One key signifier for a lot of people is recognizing GENDER DYSPHORIA in themselves.

But you don’t need to have gender dysphoria to be trans, despite how common it is among trans folks. I think the best signifier is actually the very thing I talked about in the essay on GENDER EUPHORIA.

If you’re a cis man, and you put on a dress and you feel an intense wave of happiness washing over you… well I dunno what to tell you, cis folks don’t feel that way. Again, that alone doesn’t mean you’re a trans woman. Maybe you’re non-binary and love dresses!

The point is you’ve probably got to try these things if you want to find out for sure, and that requires two things.

GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO EXPLORE GENDER.

And TRANS COURAGE.

Be brave. Be bold. Stare fear in the eye and refuse to blink. Experiment. Listen to what your head and your heart tell you when you do. And if you ever have questions, or just need an ear, my DMs are always open. You can do it! I believe in you!

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! Today we’re covering a big topic that affects so many trans people: HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY. But right up front, you need to know this essay is also about PATIENCE.

To be sure we’re all on the same page right from the start, you do not have to be on (or even want) hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to be trans.

It’s a huge part of medical transition for those of us who want and need it, but not every trans person does. And it’s not wanting HRT or medical transition that makes you trans, it’s how you feel on the inside. 

But for those of us, like me, for whom it’s a huge part of our transitions, what’s it like? Well the difficulty in answering is that hormones affect literally every body differently. Some of us can be on the exact same dose with the exact same delivery method, and have wildly different results.

It’s very often a game of trial and error, and finding what combo of things gives us what we need. There are things hormones can do, and might do, and won’t do, but not everyone’s experience is the same.

Please please keep that in mind. I don’t want you going to another trans person who says they were affected differently, or coming to me saying, “but Jane said X!” Hormones are just wonky like that, because human bodies are… fun?

Also, as I am not an endocrinologist or doctor of any kind, I can’t give you the kind of information they can. For example, there are medical reasons why some people can’t be on HRT, but I don’t know what all of those reasons may be.

I just want you to understand how unique this is to every trans person. We all have our own experiences with it and we’re all on our own journeys. Okay? Okay.

While trans HRT sends a human body through a second puberty, it does not undo the effects of the first, wrong puberty. But physically and emotionally, it absolutely sends you through another one.

HRT consists of two main portions… usually one medication to block the testosterone or estrogen that your body produces, and one medication to introduce the other one into your system. Not everyone is on both, for medical or personal or other reasons. 

A testosterone blocker in an adult trans woman suppresses said hormone in the body. 

This can lead to slower-growing, and/or thinner, and/or less BODY HAIR growth, and can even halt or slow male pattern baldness, and sometimes even cause minor breast growth.

Reducing testosterone in AMAB (assigned male at birth) folks can also lead to a decrease in muscle mass (more on this in a bit), a shrinking of the penis and testicles, and infertility. Though there have been a couple studies that indicate fertility may return if T-blockers are stopped, but that hasn’t been really confirmed yet. (More on the dangers of a lack of medical studies done on trans HRT in a bit.)

And the problem with testosterone, for we trans ladies who transition as adults, is once you go through testosterone-induced puberty… you can’t undo most of those changes. The voice deepens, the shoulders broaden, the jaw becomes more defined, facial hair starts growing, you get taller.

There are some things we can do to try to change or mitigate these things, but not all of them. There’s no way to make your shoulders less broad. You can’t NOT be as tall as you are (mostly… again, more on this later).

I went through three years of gender affirming voice therapy to help me sound less like a cis man and more like me (see the three-part series on TRANS VOICES. It was a ton of hard work I put in on trying to change the way I talk and how I sound.

And if you are a cis woman, imagine how you’d feel if your body did those things, and how much it would feel like your body betrayed you and made the world see you as someone you’re not. And the horror of not being able to stop it as your body keeps making those changes. Really think about how that would make you feel…. watching facial and body hair grow, seeing your jaw and shoulders widen, hearing your voice deepen.

Congratulations! You just got the tiniest experience of GENDER DYSPHORIA. Now imagine it all day long for every day of your life. And you will instantly see why getting trans kids on perfectly safe and reversible puberty blockers before that happens is vital and lifesaving. Again see TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM.

What happens for trans ladies when estrogen is introduced into our bodies? It can also slow/thin body and facial hair growth, and it definitely promotes breast growth (but how much varies wildly). It also shifts the way your body carries fat.

Did you know cis men and women carry fat in different places in their bodies? SCIENCE, BITCHES. So when a trans lady goes on estrogen, it will shift where fat gets stored and carried under the skin and can lead to a softer, rounder appearance. This includes a softening of the skin and facial features, and a softening or rounding of the hips and butt

You can see in my FOUR YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN timeline photo that not only did HRT give me a whole new face, it changed my eye color. Many trans people report that happening, but as far as I know there have been no studies done on why or how that happens.

But this study mentions there are estrogen receptors in the eyes! So it’s not nonsense.

But guess what? You also get emotional changes, because hormones and puberty are fun. The emotional/mood changes also definitely vary from person to person. If someone is getting an injection once a week, the day they take it their body is getting a flood of hormones, and if your dose isn’t high enough to maintain a constant level, the last day or two before an injection can be awful… filled with mood swings and hot flashes (ask me how I know).

I did not at all expect the mental changes that would come with HRT. The calm, the peace, the feeling of wholeness and fullness and of being me that would come with being on the right hormone for my body. “Night and day” doesn’t even begin to describe the difference, it’s like life in my body went from absolute zero to the surface of the sun (complimentary).

And in fact, this was illustrated all too clearly to me when I lost the mental changes HRT had given me. I was initially on estrogen pills, but a couple years into medical transition they just stopped working for me entirely. My estrogen levels plummeted, I was getting almost nothing from them, my testosterone rose (estrogen and testosterone fight each other in the body, when one rises the other usually falls), and life became awful again. I talked about this in detail in TRANSITION SETBACKS.

And what this taught me was how much I need my HRT. Even if I never get another physical benefit from it, the emotional gains and stability it provides me are so much of what keeps my dysphoria at bay. And without it, it felt like my very identity was being stripped away from me. My personality, my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. Not being on it is not an option.

But let’s talk more about those physical changes from estrogen!

Some trans ladies have noticed that after being on HRT for a long time, their feet are a little smaller, maybe they’re not quite as tall. Again, it shifts everything in your body. But not the same way for everyone! I lost half a shoe size pretty early into HRT, and that’s stayed consistent. But alllllso…

I lost an inch and a half in height! A lot of trans women report this happening, possibly just from tendons and muscles shifting, or loss of muscle mass, or who knows. But I’m a little salty about it, I liked being 6’2”! Alas.

Also, my hips have rotated. It hurt like hell when it was happening (slowwwwwly, over many months). It’s something that happens to cis women when they go through puberty, too. And I have evidence, because the measurement across my hips hasn’t changed, but I can’t pull some skirts over my hips like I used to be able to (which is how I figured this out). I talked about that, again, in my FOUR YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.

I’ve also finally seen some butt growth (see that four year retrospective) and a lot more breast growth, and that’s all from switching my estrogen from pills to injections, and also due to taking my progesterone (another hormone I take) sublingually… which basically no doctor will tell you to do, but other trans ladies sure will (see ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE for more).

Also, let me tell you… growing boobs HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER?

I know lots of cis ladies complain about bras, but frankly they were vital for me because they’d act like a shield to protect my boobs from being touched. BY ANYTHING. Getting dressed and my hand brushed one? AGONY.

Rolling over in bed was a nightmare, because I’m a side sleeper so as soon as the side of a boob hit the mattress I’d nearly scream in pain. And it means they’re growing, so yay!

But auuuuuuuuuugh the pain. And again not every trans woman gets the same results (just like cis ladies when they go through puberty). Also there’s no timeframe for when it all happens! 

I saw decent breast growth in a matter of months (if not a ton), but some ladies take years. It took me one thousand days of HRT (mostly with estrogen and progesterone pills) to get to a B cup bra, but then only a few months from there to get to a C cup (with estrogen injections and sublingual progesterone).

One trans lady I know had B cups for ten years and then suddenly they grew to D cups. Why must bodies be this way? Seems inefficient!

I mentioned that loss of muscle mass definitely happened, so let’s talk about that. I’m still kinda buff (in my own estimation) and I love my biceps, but I have to work harder now than I did before to keep them looking the same. In fact, I have to work twice as hard to see the same results as I did before HRT. (All my exercising was one of the first things I did to transition before I could medically or socially transition, see BODY HACKING for more.)

Jars I never once struggled to open before now give me fits. I just can’t do some of the physical things I could before, even with my pretty biceps (they are indeed pretty, I assure you… see that four year retrospective and peep ‘em for yourself).

As to my body changing the way it stores fat, I’ve definitely noticed that too. There’s a spot in my lower abdomen, below my stomach, that has been flat as a wall my entire life. But on cis ladies it’s often softer and rounded there? Do you know what I mean?

Anyway! I’ve got that. And having a face that looks like me is the biggest hit of GENDER EUPHORIA ever! And cis folks, that’s something you can (and likely do) experience, so check out that link. It’s the. Most. Amazing. Feeling. Ever.

And one of the earliest changes I experienced from HRT was my smell! I just smell like a girl now, and did as of a few months in, and that was absolutely wild.

It also cratered my libido for a while, but adding progesterone into my HRT definitely brought that back.

Let me quickly note that for people on masculinizing HRT, the effects they might see are the opposite of what I’ve described for feminizing HRT…  body hair and facial hair growth, a deepening of the voice, facial and body fat redistribution (the opposite of the way transfem folks like me experience it) increased muscle mass, change in body odor, possible hairline recession, and an increased libido.

But as far as the changes from my HRT go, I want more. I want SO MUCH MORE. Yes, good, keep going body! But there’s literally nothing I can do to speed it along. And that’s where patience comes in, because HRT isn’t a switch you flip.

It’s a process, and it’s slow as hell, and it’s just going to do what it’s going to do and at its own pace. And you have no idea what you’re going to get, or when you’ll get it. You have to live with getting incrementally closer to your goal, day by day.

You can see it starting. You can see it getting closer. Almost agonizingly close, after spending so long being so far away. All you want to do is sprint to the finish line. But you can’t, even if you wanted to! You’re stuck crawling like a snail.

There’s no magic shortcut. We’re trapped in bodies that were forced to change against our will (see TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING), and changing them into one that is one we feel at home in can be a painfully slow process. 

And that’s made worse about the issue I briefly touched on before, there being so few medical studies done on trans people, much less run by trans people. This is because we’re such a small percentage of the population we’re not, I dunno, “medically lucrative” enough, I guess, for a lot of studies to be done on us. So there’s a lot we just don’t know, and a lot of doctors operating on thirty-year old information. 

That can lead to problems, like a lot of endocrinologists wanting to keep trans women’s estrogen levels artificially low, based on dangers that occurred with high levels of estrogen from old forms of HRT that are no longer used. It’s not profitable or pressing enough for a lot of them to stay up to date on things, because they treat so few trans patients (comparatively to their cis patients). But when you look at modern data, or let trans doctors lead the way, they often argue that trans women’s estrogen levels are absolutely fine anywhere in the normal cis feminine range.

And these guidelines are mostly all set, in the US, based on WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) standards, and also guidelines of the Endocrine Society. Those standards are occasionally revised, but they are still mostly set by cis people and also have terribly transphobic origins (see TRANSMEDICALISM and WPATH version 1).

As one example, the trans clinic at UCSF recommends a dose of up to 20 mg estradiol valerate for trans women on injections, but WPATH maxes out at half that.

SIDEBAR: there is some indication the UCSF trans clinic website may be down and/or have been removed due to capitulation with fascism. Here’s the archive.org version just in case. Preserve trans science.

And in fact, the UCSF guidelines state that for trans women, “Maintaining estrogen levels in the physiologic range for menstruating non-transgender women minimizes risks and side effects, and makes sense clinically.” 

Multiple studies have shown that for cis women going through puberty, and for adult cis women, their normal estrogen levels can range up to 300 pg/mL (picograms per milliliter). 

But many endocrinologists (a few of my past ones included) pitch a fit when you go over 200. Why? Because with older, more dangerous forms of HRT, going over 200 was exceptionally risky. It’s not so much anymore! But most of them want to stick to WPATH/Endocrine Society guidelines.

When you look at trans doctor-led healthcare, like Folx, they say, “We typically are looking for levels in a range from 50 to 500 pg/mL. … We think people using GAHT [gender-affirming hormone therapy] may need and deserve wider ranges than their cisgender peers. The typical estradiol range for cis women is 100-350 pg/mL. We use a broader range for GAHT.”

So in addition to sometimes having to even fight to access HRT if we’re not in a location with informed consent (where you can say “I understand and consent to this medication”) and we have to prove we are who we say we are just to get a cis doctor to agree to put us on HRT (again, see TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM), we often then have to fight with our doctors about not keeping our estrogen levels artificially low.

And let me remind you that every drug used in hormone replacement therapy was developed for cis people. For cis men dealing with hair loss, for cis women going through menopause, and more. That they’re used to great effect for trans people is wonderful, but is not why they were designed or exist. And this isn’t remotely the only medical stuff that cis people get which trans people use too. Please see CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO to learn all about the myriad other things tons of cis people do and are fine with, but then suddenly balk when trans people want gender affirming care too. Don’t be a hypocrite.

And yes, it’s remarkably safe, and in fact every major medical association approves of hormone replacement therapy for trans folks and trans kids (who only get blockers to prevent the wrong puberty, which can be stopped at any time and then puberty proceeds as normal). Read more here: Medical Association Statements in Support of Health Care for Transgender People and Youth

Every trans and nonbinary person does what we can to try to feel more like our real selves. For many of us that involves HRT. 

And we do it because we must, because it’s better than the alternative.

Every out trans person you meet decided climbing this almost insurmountable hurdle was better than the pain we were living through before. It’s a slog, and it’s tough going, especially if you’re on HRT. But the rewards are worth it. If we’re lucky, gender euphoria waits on the other side!

And for the trans people that aren’t out yet, or can’t be, that want HRT but can’t access it yet… I know how tough it is, but you can do it. I did, and you can too. Don’t give up. Hold on. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll be here to help you along.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

ADDENDUM 5/8/25

I should have mentioned this in the main essay, but HRT also changed the way I experience the way I’m attracted to women, and the way I feel romantic love for my wife.

Someone asked if I could explain it, but I’m not sure I can. I don’t have words to describe how it chanted, but I thought about it for an entire day, and this was the closest I could come up with (and it applies to the change in both how I experience romantic love, and how I am attracted to women).

It’s like… my love for my wife was a freight train barreling through the countryside with blinders on, chasing a single infinite end point.

And now it’s a soft hot air balloon ride on a warm sunny day where the horizon goes on to infinity and I can see the entire world.

Maybe that will make sense to or help someone else out there.

THIS IS NOT FOR YOU (Trans Day of Visibility aka gatekeeping aka you are trans enough)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week is a special for TRANS DAY OF VISIBILITY. And this one is for EVERY TRANS OR NONBINARY PERSON WHO’S NOT OUT YET. And I’m here to tell you YES, YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH.

This topic is also known as THIS IS NOT FOR YOU aka AM I TRANS ENOUGH aka GATEKEEPING. And not just the gatekeeping that that others do that’s directed at us, but also the kind that we do to ourselves.

Trans Day of Visibility is also a little bit of a double-edged sword though, which I’ll talk about shortly. But let’s deal with the gatekeeping first.

I’ve mentioned before how I was fairly sure I was trans for a long time, but I knew I couldn’t transition until a certain date, so I took my time exploring things and figuring myself out. I just talked about that recently in the thread on BODY HACKING.

Despite the fact that I don’t consider my transition to have started until 2015, and despite the fact that it didn’t start socially or medically transitioning until 2020, I was no less trans before then. I’ve been trans my whole life, that’s how it works.

If you’re trans you’ve always been trans and nothing can change that (just like you cisgender folks can probably realize there’s nothing in the world that would make you suddenly not cis). It’s just who you are.

And so for a long time, things like Trans Day of Visibility were really painful for me. Because here is a thing that was SPECIFICALLY FOR ME, and yet it was NOT FOR ME because as far as the world knew I was just a cisgender man.

That was so, so difficult to deal with. I’d see opportunities for trans writers… people who wanted to read us, help us get staffed or get our projects in front of the people who could make them happen, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I had to watch those opportunities dissolve because they were NOT FOR ME, even though they WERE FOR ME! And I really never needed that extra pain on top of all the pain that GENDER DYSPHORIA already brought me.

It’s a special kind of hell seeing a thing meant to help you that you cannot get to. I couldn’t even celebrate pride month, because again as far as the world knew I was just a straight guy. I mean I could have said I was bi, but that felt like lying. It’s ladies for me, thanks.

You can see the Trans Tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER for more on that.

Anyway it got to the point where, in the months before I came out, Susan and I were saying we were a “LGBTQ+ writing team.” Which is true, if suuuuuuuuuuper vague, but it was the best I was comfortable with at the time.

After coming out that got easier, obviously, but a new problem presented itself. And it’s one I’ve heard echoed by a lot of trans people I’ve talked to: AM I TRANS ENOUGH?

I had this… this GUILT, I guess, at calling myself transgender. Even though I CLEARLY AM. Because Trans Person A did X thing, and I didn’t. Trans Person B did Y thing and I don’t want to ever do that.

So am I even “trans enough” to call myself transgender? Am I disrespecting and denigrating the people whose dysphoria is worse than mine? I mean hell, mine never came with the severe depression that so many experience, despite how awful it was for me.

And what’s even worse is that I’ve seen this kind of attitude from some trans people. There are those who say you’re not “really” trans if you don’t get bottom surgery, or if you’re not on hormones, or if you don’t do X, Y, or Z.

I don’t know how much that contributes to the feelings of not being trans enough, for me. I never bought into that bullshit but who knows about all the little ways these things can affect us that we might not even realize.

I’m sure it impacts some others, though. Imagine a trans person just beginning to explore what being trans means to them and wanting to transition, and seeing those things and feeling they wouldn’t be accepted if they didn’t conform to some arbitrary standard.

It’s kinda horrible. I’m a member of a lot of different trans communities and a lot of them are wonderful and affirming and supportive. But in some I see cliques forming, and it saddens me.

And it’s such a complicated thing, because trans people have spent our entire lives feeling excluded, and left out, and like we’re not part of things. So once we get to be included, there’s this feeling of wanting to keep it closed, to keep it safe.

Which is of course SUPER important with the amount of harassment we often face. But think about how those who are excluded feel… you’re accepted into this community, but only so far. You don’t get to be part of ALL of it because someone else hasn’t decided you can be, yet.

And that really sucks, doubly so after never feeling like you belonged or had anyone to talk to about all these weird feelings you were going through, in trying to figure out your gender and whether you wanted to transition or not.

And that can definitely play into (or exacerbate) the feeling of not being trans enough, even if unintentional. And that breaks my heart. I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel that way. We’ve been through enough.

But there’s another aspect of Trans Day of Visibility you may not have realized, the aforementioned double-edged sword. We NEED to be seen as who we really are, and have our rights and autonomy respected. But being more visible puts us more at risk.

Coming out wasn’t an issue of safety for me, at least as far as my immediate home life. And California respects me for who I am. But for so many others it’s dangerous. Even if not in their immediate household, all the states trying to legislate us out of existence is terrifying.

A reminder (though damn, I hope you don’t need to be reminded) that there has been more anti-trans legislation introduced in THREE MONTHS in 2023 than there was in all of last year, which held the previous record. It’s unprecedented and horrific.

The Human Rights campaign is already tracked THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY anti-trans bills introduced across the United States so far this year. IT’S ONLY **MARCH**!

Can you imagine trying to come out under these conditions? Why it almost seems like Republicans want to make it impossible to do so. But news flash: that won’t stop people from being trans. You can’t force people who make you uncomfortable to change their gender, pops.

I’ve been told by multiple people who are questioning/exploring that my Trans Tuesdays have helped them as they explore their own gender, and that makes me so so happy. That’s one of the things I hoped from the start.

So this moment here is for all the people who are questioning, idly or actively. It’s for the ones who aren’t sure if they’re trans enough, or if they can or should come out, or if things meant for trans people are also for them.

Of if they “qualify” because they’re nonbinary or genderfluid or agender. And please listen and believe me when I say:

YOU’RE TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.

NOBODY KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU.

There is no “enough” to being trans. Whether you want every surgery you can get, or only some, or none. Or all the hormone replacement therapy, or only some, or none.

If you can’t come out for any reason, you’re still trans. Whether you only want to transition socially, or can’t (or don’t want to!) transition at all: YOU ARE STILL TRANS IF YOU SAY YOU ARE.

If you want to come out, I believe in you and you CAN do it, when the time is right. If you can’t, that’s okay too. If you’re just questioning and unsure, that is also okay! You’re wonderful and valid and can and should be exactly who you want to be. Who you ARE.

Trans Day of Visibility is for you, too. It’s for ALL of us, out or not, trans man or trans woman or nonbinary or genderfluid or agender or anything else.

I see you. And you are enough.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PART 2 is here!

GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO EXPLORE GENDER

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about a specific thing (literally, a thing) that helped me figure out I was trans: MY WATCH. Though more broadly what we’re really talking about is GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO EXPLORE GENDER.

Righto, so… how the heck does a watch help you figure out you’re trans? Excellent question, and one I’ve asked myself multiple times. To start, we have to go back to how I feel about watches in general.

As a kid, I only wore watches if I was out with friends or roaming the neighborhood and had to be back home by a certain time.

I’d be out doing all kinds of things that, looking back, were horribly dangerous even if I didn’t know that at the time. One of those things I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on TRANS COURAGE.

I was terrified of breaking rules and getting in trouble, but that meant I was always finding loopholes and ways to push the line as far as I could. That doesn’t relate to watches any, I just want you to understand it’s not like I was a little miscreant.

But as a kid watches are kind of cool, right? You can get a Superman one or whatever. For a while I had one with a Yoda hologram on the face! Fun fact: I got that watch by betting my step-dad the Bulls would win their third straight championship. He thought it’d never happen.

Guess I showed him! I can’t actually find it now, and have no idea what happened to it. I have almost nothing in terms of physical items from my childhood though, so I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise. Thankfully the internet knows all. 

A black watch with a hologram of Yoda on the face

But eventually you grow up and the world says you can’t have things like that anymore. Which, of course, is bullshit. But I talked about how long it took me to even realize I could say screw you, I can I can like sci-fi AND sports, in the Trans Tuesday on THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.

I never liked “normal” men’s watches. Not even the cool ones. Well, let me rephrase. I thought some of them were actually remarkably cool, but I never ever wanted to wear one. It’s only now, looking back, I realize that’s because it was a thing for MEN.

Comparable women’s watches I would have loved to get, but wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing so because in our stupid society even WATCHES are GENDERED and how awful is that?

The answer you’re looking for is “very.”

I did have one men’s watch. On our honeymoon to Disney World (uh, we are nerds, you probably noticed) Susan and I got a matching set. I was able to tolerate this internally because Susan had a (smaller, women’s) matching one, and they had Mickey on them.

So in my head, all of that mitigated its “manliness” somewhat, even though it had a really big face and a metal link band and was incredibly heavy, all of which bothered me a lot. Also men can like and wear watches with cartoon characters on them, normalize that already.

So even though I had some wonderful memories associated with it, I still never loved it. Once we got our first smartphones, that was enough to push it off my arm forever.

I can’t find that one to show you a photo now either (way to prepare for this post, excellent job, Tills), and unfortunately googling for “Mickey Mouse watch” isn’t exactly helpful. But the smartphone was the end of my wearing it, and I never looked back.

I believed this was because I always had the time on my phone, right in my pocket, what did I need a watch for? Of course reducing it down to its most utilitarian function isn’t the only reason to get a watch, but it’s what I told myself.

Because all the watches I would have liked to have actually worn were women’s watches, and that made me uncomfortable for reasons I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (Halloween).

But also it wouldn’t have been socially acceptable for me to wear a women’s watch, living in the midwest and appearing to be a cisgender man… and again, screw that noise, but it definitely affected me at the time.

I spent a very long time with just a smartphone, never even thinking about watches at all, other than my self-satisfied, smug “WHO needs a watch anymore?” Ha. Girl, you were so dense.

So a few years back, in the process of catching up on movies we’d missed, we gave Terminator: Genisys a shot. (This post is not about the merits or faults of said movie, so take those somewhere else)

And we’re innocently watching this movie, when suddenly I’m hit like a ton of bricks by Sarah Connor. Why? On the poster and in the movie itself… she has a black leather cuff watch.

A Terminator: Genisys poster showing Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor. On her left wrist is a black leather cuff watch.

If you can’t quite spot it there, here’s a better look at it. She wears it through most of the movie. 

A closeup of the black leather cuff watch from Terminator: Genisys laid flat.

I actually tried to find that exact watch at first, because I loved it so much. And I did… but it was that EXACT watch. From the movie! In a prop auction. I think it went for over a grand, so now you know why I do not have that watch.

Now MY black leather cuff watch isn’t in any way meant as an homage to Sarah Connor, though I do love the character. But that’s not what struck me about it at all. Here was a woman, wearing a watch that didn’t necessarily LOOK like the “typical” gendered women’s watch.

And nobody commented on it, nobody said anything about it at all. In the movie or otherwise. It was just accepted, because it’s a tiny costuming detail and most people probably didn’t even notice. But I sure did.

You also have to understand at this time I was already knee-deep in thinking I was trans and trying to figure it out, so all the confusion and emotions were constantly swirling in my head.

And it occurred to me that I could get a watch like that, and it wouldn’t TECHNICALLY be a women’s watch… but it also wasn’t TECHNICALLY a men’s watch. It was a gender-neutral BADASS WATCH.

I had to have it. I HAD TO. It meant… a ton, and though I didn’t know why at the time, I do now. Because it was giving myself permission to start exploring that side of myself, VISIBLY. PUBLICLY. Even if nobody else knew what it meant.

Which is how the topic comes back around to PERMISSION, because this was one of the first ways I let myself really start to explore who I really was inside. It was a safe way for me to say… maybe I AM transgender, and maybe that’s okay. Let’s find out.

It was Susan who found the good folks at Rockstar Leatherworks when I was having difficulty finding a watch that I liked. She’s super, super great at internet research. Get yourself a Susan, I highly recommend it! (but get your OWN Susan, this one’s mine )

It’s a small company, might be just one guy doing it all himself. They’ve got great customer service and I couldn’t be happier with it, honestly. I love it, I love seeing it on my arm, I even love snapping it on and off. I’m weird.

It doesn’t fit as well as it used to. Leather loosens a bit over time. And I got it before I really committed to all of my running, which I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING.

Incidentally, getting and wearing and being comfortable with and loving the watch is what led directly to getting the women’s running hoodie I mentioned in that Body Hacking post. Incremental baby steps got me through.

Anyway, as I fully committed to my regular runs, I dropped about fifty pounds, getting me away from that dad bod that bugged me so much. But that also contributed to how loose the watch is on my arm now.

I don’t think I’d pick the same design for my watch if I were to design another one now, to get one that fits better, but I can’t really afford to replace it anyway so it’s not something I’ve really explored.

But that’s okay. I’m so, so happy with it and grateful to have it. I love it with all my heart, because it’s a piece of the key that helped me unlock my true self. And that makes it priceless.

Give yourself permission to explore your own self expression, even if you have to do it in incremental baby steps. Find that truer you.

There’s nothing better than becoming that person with the entirety of your heart.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

GENDER EUPHORIA

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re going to talk about something I’ve mentioned in passing a few times, but it’s getting a thread of its own. It’s one of the best things about being trans for me, and it’s also something cis people can maybe experience: GENDER EUPHORIA.

I probably link to the below post more than any other, but if you haven’t seen it yet, be sure you’re familiar with the other side of the coin, GENDER DYSPHORIA.

Again, not all trans people experience gender dysphoria (though the vast majority do, I think), and you need not have gender dysphoria to be trans. But it’s certainly a major signifier.

Gender euphoria is quite literally the exact opposite, it’s a feeling not just of contentment, but absolute, unbridled, utter joy brought about by, of all things, your gender. Which might seem strange, so let’s talk about that a little.

I spent my entire life being told I was a boy/man, and was expected to behave/dress/live accordingly. And that gave me a massive amount of dysphoria, even beyond the physical issues of feeling like I was in the wrong body.

So when I began trying to figure out why I felt that way, and coming to terms with my transness, I started experimenting with doing things that weren’t necessarily even feminine, but were anti-masculine, if that makes any kind of sense.

This involved a lot of things I’ve talked about, like growing out my hair, experimenting with makeup, and changing my clothes. If you missed those, here’s the first trans tuesday on HAIR.

And HAIR 2, when I got my first ever haircut.

And the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.

If you read through those, I think you can spot the parts where they caused gender euphoria (I may have even mentioned it by name, but I haven’t re-read them recently so I don’t remember, give a gal a break.)

And okay, I hear you say, but those ARE “feminine” or “girly” things, at least to some degree. And so I will now direct you to the essay on BODY HACKING, which includes discussion of the first women’s clothes I ever owned.

Again, yes, they were women’s clothes, but you likely wouldn’t know it if they weren’t sold in the women’s section. A running hoodie is a running hoodie. It’s cut a little different from a men’s hoodie, but honestly I don’t think you can tell if you’re not wearing it.

I don’t need to go back and reread talking about that hoodie there, because I will never, ever forget the way it made me feel. I said it “felt like I was FLYING.” And it did, and it still does! Only now basically all my clothes make me feel that way (to varying degrees).

That was the first time I EVER felt gender euphoria, and friends, the only better feeling than gender euphoria is love. And like, yes, I am aware of sex and pizza and the way it feels to clean an itchy ear with a q-tip.

GENDER EUPHORIA IS BETTER THAN ALL OF THEM.

And it feels like flying because, as I mentioned in the dysphoria thread, and multiple other times throughout all these Trans Tuesdays threads, dysphoria feels like a crushing weight that’s just destroying you.

When you remove that weight, you feel weightless. And that applies to almost everything in life. If you’re overloaded with work, clearing it off your plate can sometimes make you feel better than if you’d never had it stressing you in the first place.

If you carry something heavy, set it down and pick up something not as heavy, it feels even lighter than it should. It’s a thing.

It’s part of the reason baseball players put those weighted donuts on their bat while warming up. It makes it feel lighter when you’re actually batting! I played a ton of baseball as a kid, that might be the first time I ever experienced anything like that.

Incidentally, I believe this is why Neo flies in The Matrix franchise, which is something you can learn all about in my book, BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX.

He also has multiple “dress go spinny” moments, which is a phenomena in the trans woman community where, when wearing skirts or dresses, we feel compelled to twirl so we can feel them spin around us. We can see it spinning, we can feel it spinning, it reminds us that it’s there and of all we’ve achieved in getting to be our true selves. It’s total gender euphoria.

What does gender euphoria feel like to trans folks who don’t have dysphoria? I can’t say, I can only speak to my own experiences, and not having dysphoria is certainly not anything I’ve ever been familiar with.

But I suspect it’s much the same. Maybe a bit less intense? But maybe not. When gender euphoria really washes over me, it is POWERFUL. It *really* feels like I’m going to levitate right off the ground.

It’s this amazing confirmation that I AM ME, I am the me I always wanted to be, the me I always was, but now made real and here in the world AS MYSELF and there’s just no feeling like it.

So what gives me gender euphoria? Anyone saying my name gives me a little bit. Literally that’s all it takes! That’s not one of the huge ones that makes me feel like I’m flying, but it does make me tingly.

The knowledge that I’m being seen, after spending my life not, is heady stuff.

When Susan noticed my voice was changing after I’d been in voice therapy for a while, that was a big one.

Several weeks back, in that blessed short time before the delta variant, where it seemed like things were maybe going to turn a corner, we went out to lunch for the first time in like 18 months. We sat outside, and there was distancing.

And when the server brought our food, she set down my plate. Hold on, I need to take a breath, I’m getting light-headed just thinking about it. Hoo.

She set down my food, and said, “For the lady!”

That’s it. THAT IS FUCKING IT. It was the first time a stranger had really done that, just SEEN ME AS ME, and I thought I was gonna explode. Just thinking about it gives me a lot of residual tingles. Kind of astonishing.

I can only speak to this as a person who transitioned as an adult. If you got to transition as a kid in a loving environment that let you explore these things, would you still have it? I think so. Would it still be as intense? No idea.

I think this is something that cis folks out there can (and do) experience, though maybe less intensely. Although I’ve never been cis, so I don’t know! But I’m curious.

I think cis folks probably experience something similar when you… well, I don’t know. It’s more than just having a favorite shirt or something. Do you have a… suit? Dress? Top? Accessory? Something that you KNOW you look FUCKING GREAT in?

Something that makes you feel like FUCK YES THIS IS ME, I AM THIS AMAZING BEAUTIFUL PERSON, AND THE WORLD WILL SEE ME AS SUCH! I look good and I fuckin’ know it, stand back world I’m comin’ through!

That. It’s THAT, *turned up to eleven.* Do you experience that, cis folks? Is it ever so intense that you just have to sit down because you might pass out from the overwhelming feeling that you’re SO VERY YOU, the woman/man you were meant to be?

If not, does that mean… you’re not cis? I don’t know, probably not. But maybe! Try on something different, something from the opposite end of the spectrum (or even something very gender neutral).

See how it makes you feel. Pay attention to everything your head, heart, and body are telling you. Explore, see where it takes you. At the very least, you might find you’re REALLY cis and just love being that way!

Or maybe you’ll HATE the way dressing as a different gender makes you feel, and you’ll get the teeniest tiniest little window into what gender dysphoria is like. Who knows.

Gender euphoria is one of the most amazing and beautiful things about being trans, but even that might not be uniquely ours. I think it’s likely universal. Experiment and find out. Let me know how it goes. 💜

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com